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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| Oh Oh I'm gonna have to stop talking about Denny like he ain't listening cause he asked for my screen name on here and I gave it to him! Now he is gonna beable to read all my thoughts, I'm not sure if this is a good thing, cause you know I'm off the chain sometimes, He might see that I'm a FREAK now! Ok, so no more talking about Denny from now on, he just might see it!!!  |
The doctor didn't show up for our appointment!  |
| My home PC appears to be infected with a virus. I now know what it means to see the blue screen of death . I was pissed Friday but I got over it fairly quickly. I may not be blogging since my membership is expected to expire today. I see no point in paying for a membership when I have no access to online except at work. But I’ll be around to check in on you all and eventually back online at home. Happy last day of March 2008 that there will EVER be! Love, Jen |
Everything is good with Mom and Mike. Doctor says the blood clot is bleeding out and this is a good thing. All is well… and they are on the way back home.  I talked to Denny today… |
| I’m trying to get through to our Hotel in Lubbock. Our home away from home… So That I can make reservations for my mother and Mike. They just pulled out of Odessa and called to let me know they are on their way. My mother is exhausted. Mike seems so confused. For a man that was once a control freak, he is now just sitting back and letting my mother take the lead. Whatever she says… goes… That in itself is just weird . I have to call back in 10 minutes since our Guesthouse host is busy attending to others and asked that I do so. I’m not so good today. H ungry A ngry L onely T ired So I’m making myself a BLT, minus the Lettuce and Tomato. I just got out of a cold shower. My body is sore from all the hard labor I did last night. I’m use to sitting at a desk all day. Today my feet are killing me. My lips are so damn chapped that they are bright red. Even my fingers and hands are sore. The CC is a huge event that brings in a lot of money for the non-profit I work for. After I bitched and moaned about it in the first of today’s blog entries then I sat back and thought about how I use to go to work sore like this from dancing the night away at some honky tonk. And I want to bitch and moan and feel mistreated for being sore and tired because I’m helping hungry people. YOU can’t tell me that God isn’t working on my head… I sure wouldn’t think of such a thing as that but you know it’s true. Self-sacrifice is what it’s all about. The more we lose ourselves, the more we will find of our true selves in the end. So I’m angry because my mother and Mike are going through some more crap. I guess I expected them to come home and live a perfect little life after all the bullshit they have been through. I want MIKE to walk me down the aisle the next time I marry. I want them to be together through the golden years of their lives. I especially don’t want them going back through the torture they just got out off. I’m mad because of the assholes that just don’t think about us SERVANTS up at work. When I become boss, I’m going to run shit different. I’m going to treat my people right because that is just cutting off your nose to spite your damn face! These are the people you are trusting with your product, your customers, your mission … and you treat them as such. Just pisses me off… but I’m over it for now. I am lonely as hell. I’d be lonely if I was in a room full of people. Lonely is what you choose. I could be somewhere, I could be around all kinds of people but I’d still be this stick in the mud that I am… I’m just a crying baby… It’s a nice night out and I have my sliding glass door and my window open. I can hear the toddler next door just crying and throwing a fit. That’s how I FEEL! That’s exactly what it sounds like on the inside of me. I’m just at 2 years of recovery, less that that at sobriety and I AM that screaming toddler outside my door. What would we do to satisfy that baby to quiet him? Make sure he is clean and fed. Give him a hug, tell him we love him. Give him something to play with to keep his mind occupied. And if all else fails… we would just let him cry himself to sleep. So be it… Tired… I just took a sleeping pill. I wasn’t going too… I tried to just lay down and fall out but now that Mom and Mike are on the road and all this crap is going on, I can’t sleep. I will be no good for anyone at all if I don’t get some rest. I have bags the size of Dallas under my eyes. I have literally felt like I had a hangover all day long. My BLT minus the L and T is calling my name. I sure wish the Hotel would get with me! Now it's an answering machine... I left message so they should call back, if not I don’t know what the hell to do. I don’t want my mother running all over Lubbock with the heavy construction. She has a hard enough time seeing to drive at night as it is… I guess I’ll have to just have faith in a Power Greater than Myself. Guess That’s what I’ll do… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zykTpmCIekU Bye again… |
| I just got a call from my mother. My step dad has been bleeding from his surgery scar non stop all day long. They have had to change his bandages every hour, just a steady stream of blood pouring out. My mother is at her wits end, she's loading up the car and they are going back to Lubbock and checking in with his doctor there at 8AM. I asked her if she needed me to go and she said no. I sure hope everything is ok. Mike says he feels fine. My mother is a nurse and calm natured, for her to be tripping out like this, it makes me trip out because she wouldn't be if she didn't have some serious concerns. I hope everything is ok... |
| The event is over. I stayed sober BUT I feel like I have a hangover. We have busted our ass a week for this event. We don’t get paid for it, we do get a half of a day off from work on Friday . I think we should get paid AND get the half a day off from work. I told her this last year and she responded sarcastically with a voice tone expressing that I had lost my mind. You have to take care of your staff if you want quality hands. We finished breaking down at almost 11 last night, that put us all at home close to midnight and had to clock back in at 7AM this morning. Oh but we got half a day off on Friday … and boss lady posted a thank you note on the bulletin board above the coffeepot. I guess that’s better than nothing is. She can say she thanked us now. She sucks! I’m totally exhausted. Everyone is totally exhausted. How we kept from biting each other’s heads off today is beyond me. Just life I guess… I found this online  . The world gives Jesus a recommendation for whom his top man should be out of the 12 disciples. Sad it is… unfortunately it’s the real world. I’m going to bed long before the sun goes down… like NOW ************************* Thank you for submitting the résumés of the twelve men you have picked for managerial positions in your new organization. All of them have taken our battery of tests. We have run the results through our own computer. After having arranged personality interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant, it is the opinion of our staff that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the enterprise. They have no team concept. Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has no qualities for leadership. The two brothers James and John place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas shows a skeptical attitude that would tend to undermine morale. The Jerusalem Better Business Bureau has blacklisted Matthew. James the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus, definitely has radical leanings, and registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale. One of the candidates however, shows real potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. SO...we recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. Best of luck to you Jesus... ************************ I fit in with Simon Peter... |
| I’m so tired… Just emotionally ZAPPED… We are getting ready for our annual CC event up at work, so maybe that’s whats got me so dog tired. It was a hectic day. Last Thursday was a hectic day. I really work well under pressure so I honestly don’t know if it’s work that is wearing me out. I think right now is just a critical time for me. It was at this event last year that I relapsed again. I don’t think I was sober really because I was popping pills continuously but yet I wasn’t telling no one. I was pleased to hear my boss announce today that NO DRINKING will be allowed by staff during this event. That’s like a side rail for me. I actually fancied the idea of going to a little ol’ dive and drinking a cold one this last Saturday. The THOUGHT actually sat in my mind for almost sixty seconds. That scared the hell out of me. I was listening to 80’s country online and just laying around… before I knew it, I envisioned myself sitting on the barstool listening to those same tunes, staring across the bar at a jar of pickled eggs as I poured a frosty Coors Light longneck down my throat. Doesn’t sound all that bad huh? The thing is… I wouldn't stop at "just A cold beer" hell no, I'd be buying it by the truck load for that little dive would not have enough in stock to satisfy my 14 karat mind. I should really lay off listening to the old country tunes. I have just spent the last hour reading my blog entries a year ago this week. I see some changes within myself but yet I see so much is still the same. A piece of the past: So you guys k now I am an alcoholic. You guys know I like to get high… it don’t matter what does it for me… Men, Whisky or dope… whatever takes me higher. Well… I held tight all day yesterday… Ok, I’m lying. I took a methadone tablet and I liked it… then Evelyn insisted I at least toast ONE glass of wine with her… since we never have. And I did… after several naws… Oh I can’t. I don’t see a point in having just ONE … then I said, OK I’ll do it… and I did it… I also took two loritabs today and an 800 MG Motrin… Wheww hewww… the good shit there NOT… but still I imagine it’s spelled R e l a s p e… But you know what… This is my party and I am not changing my sober date. I will however, pray to the Good God who is with me always to help me stop the craving and stay clean today… and then tomorrow… tomorrow… on and on… I haven’t told my sponsor and as of now, I am not. So what caused me to drink? Peer Pressure! What do you know… but what was the main reason I drank? Cause I WANTED too! Yes I did… I didn’t start until we were tearing down at our Event last night… So… I didn’t get wasted but with the wine on top of the pills I took… Wheeww… In this entry, First I started to lie about the pill I had taken. Then I put the blame on Evelyn for me drinking. Then I decided I was going to recover from this relapse alone. Claiming this was my party and I was going to do it my way. Had clearly decided to not come clean to my sponsor. Instead of putting the blame of my relapse on the FACT that I’m I have the malady of alcoholism, instead I blamed it on peer pressure. Then I used God as my justification. I’ll just come clean with God. Sure God is either everything or He is nothing… BUT Faith without works is completely dead. It wasn’t until April of 2007 that I actually got a dry date and held on to it for at least 90 days. During this writing I was still barely making it to the thirty day mark. I wasn’t even honest in my writing. I sure wasn’t honest with anyone in the real world. Well Thank God I’m not there anymore! You know one thing I noticed about my old writings, I always talking about masturbating. Gosh! How embarrassing…  Well… I’m going to bed. This next writing I wrote this weekend. It is my first drink and first drug experience. I’m going to build into the last rounds before realizing I needed recovery, so this is just a mere beginning… as it is titled. ******* “You better get me high or I just might tell Mom what I know!” An eleven-year-old version of me stood outside my brothers closed bedroom door. Holding my ear tight on the door, hoping to hear a glimpse of the good time I was so sure to be missing out on. “Dude. She’s ELEVEN years old!” I heard my brother say. “We don’t need no shit from your folks. She said she’s going to tell. I’m letting her in. She’ll make us laugh.” The bedroom door opened and my brother’s friend took my hand, welcoming me into the smoke filled bedroom. I smoked a joint with my brother and three of his longhaired running buddies for the first time that day. I liked it. I liked it a lot. Not only did the high make me feel different, just hanging out with the longhaired older stoner dudes was a high in itself. I was now… Cool … I smoked Marijuana continuously from 1988 until 2005. There may have been brief periods that I didn’t smoke it for whatever reason, BUT those periods were brief indeed. I was thirteen years old when I had my first drink. Again, I was with big brother and his friends. We were at the park along with many other partiers that stood around his first car, a little 1978 red Toyota Corolla. My brother was snorting cocaine in the backseat. I was sitting on the hood of his car drinking Vodka and orange juice out of a red plastic cup. Two of the older guys (even older then my brother) were interested in my 13-year-old body thus ensured that my plastic cup did not run dry. Those two guys were my brothers Cocaine connects. I remember one of them kept spreading my legs apart on the hood and would wrap them around him as he stood next to the car that I sat on. He lit my cigarettes for me, kept my drinks coming, and even told me I was pretty. The boys at school never said I was pretty. I told dude I wanted to sniff that stuff my brother was sniffing. He reached in his pocket, pulled out a baggy, dipped his long pinkie nail in it and then held his finger to my nose, told me to sniff. I did. There it is… my first bump of cola. He proceeded to lay me out a line on the hood of the car when my brother approached. Demanded that he get away from me. “Dude she’s THIRTEEN Years old!” My brother ran that guy off and reprimanded me, saying “You can drink but you can’t snort! You can smoke weed but if I find out your snorting powder I will kick your ass!” I was mad at my brother for running off that guy. HE LIKED ME DAMN IT! and I got so wasted that night that I head butted the car, busted my head open and I threw up all over my brother’s girlfriend. With blood pouring from my head and puke all around me, I remember begging my brother for another drink. Just one more! |
| I stayed in bed most of Good Friday. I wasn’t feeling well. A feeling of sorrow and sickness seemed to hover over my home, body and emotions. Maybe like an unconscious weeping. My spirit grieved in a way that my conscious mind couldn’t comprehend. Can you even fathom the pain that Christ endured on the cross? I can’t bare the thought of it. I can’t watch movies that show His suffering in the final hours of His life. I have yet to see “The Passion” and I won’t. I can’t handle it. I love watching and learning about His life, but when it comes to His death, I have to turn off the television. I love Him so much. I’m eternally grateful for what He did but I can’t watch the suffering He went through for mankind… for me . Well… I can’t watch suffering of anyone really. That’s the very reason that I chose not to follow my mother’s footsteps into the nursing field. I cry over road killed animals. I almost lost my sanity when I saw my stepfather lying lifeless in a hospital bed. So if you’re able to witness Christ’s last hours on Earth, don’t think that I’m saying you just don’t love Him as much as I do, cause the truth is, I’m a wuss when it comes to blood and guts. Though, I especially can’t watch Christ’s sufferings because I know He is getting what I deserved, He died so that we could live. It touches so deep … It’s a cry from the heart of my heart and it hurts too much. I don't know how I survived In this cold and empty world For all this time I only know that I'm alive Because you love me In 1995, Tommy and I married. On July 2,1998 I cheated on my husband with his co-worker. I wasn’t a believer at this time. I wasn’t an unbeliever either. I was more agnostic, I suppose. I knew there was a God of some kind, I was also certain that THAT God wasn’t doing a thing for me. Tommy and I had a precious love. We had attended school together for most of our childhood and later became high school sweethearts. We moved in with each other at the age of 16, married at 18. Tommy came from a poor family. I came from a middle class family. Tommy was neglected. I was given too much. When he hooked up with me, the benefit of material wealth came with me. At 16 years old, I drove a new car. I wore name brand clothes. I had cash on me at all times. I was a spoiled little brat. He had worked for everything he had, still didn’t have much, for his mother would take his money claiming it had to pay the home bills. Everything I had, had been given to me. I had no appreciation for the dollar. My mother gave my brother and I anything and everything she could in hopes of making up for our abusive and emotionally unavailable father. My mother was is naïve, trusting, and unworldly passive. She describes herself even, as an Ostrich with his head buried in the sand. My mother and father are complete opposites. One of my first poems written at the age of 8 compared their differences to day and night. Back when I was in rehab and my father traveled from Ft Worth to visit me, He laughed and joked, saying he knew I wouldn’t get to far… “Just look at the conflicting genes you were given”; in essence comparing them to God and Satan. Though I don’t believe evil dwells in my blood, because I choose life. I do think he had a point. When I recall what I've been through There's some things That I wish I didn't do but NOW I do the things I do Because you love me My brother is atheist. The last time we spoke of spiritual matters, his exact words, “I don’t want to hear about some saved silliness.” When I was a child, I believed there was something, as I stated early, and I remember having debates at a very young age with my brother. He spoke of how selfish this God is to want everyone to bow down to Him. I don’t know if I was fighting for my beliefs or if I was just fighting for the sake of arguing with my brother, but it never failed, Each time big brother outwitted me. I left feeling angry and thinking maybe brother was right. Maybe there is no God. He would say, “Give me ONE good reason to believe in THIS God.” All I could say was “You have to believe in something.” I knew nothing about Christ. I wasn’t forced to attend church and didn’t most of my childhood. I didn’t know why Jesus hung on the cross until I was 22 years old. I would ask my mother about God; she would hurriedly tell me that He created the world, as she rushed off to clock in for a twelve-hour shift at the hospital. Somewhere I heard that God is like a Father. I don’t remember who told me that for the first time but I do remember thinking… If God is anything like my Father, I want nothing at all to do with him. That was that… if God is like my dad… then I’d just assume he not be an active part of my life. My childlike faith was destroyed and I didn’t think about God again for many years to come. And now that you're in my life I'm so glad I'm alive 'Cause you showed me the way And I know now how good it can be Because You love me My ex husband spoke some about his faith in the beginning. I remember just rolling my eyes. There was a Christian song that he liked and wanted me to hear. This was when we were just dating. I listened to the song and then tore him to shreds for believing in such make believe . I don’t remember my exact words but to this day I remember the look on his face. It was a look of shock and hurt. He never brought God up again to me. We later married and began our lifestyle of drink and drug. Instead of starting out building, we actually started out tearing down. I was a mixed up, headstrong kid that hooked up with a mixed up, neglected most of his life, kid. My Uncle Bud gave me my first bible as a wedding gift. It stayed in the bookcase for the first three years of our marriage, never opened, not once. I worked at a gas station full time and I was attending cosmetology school part time. Tommy worked as a machinist at a place where the boss man would pass the joint from machinist to machinist as they worked. All his co-workers and their wives would come to our home on the weekend and party. We lived in what we named the “the cabin”. It was a beautiful three-bedroom home made to resemble that of a cabin, even though it sat in the heart of the city. There was a tire swing in the front yard and our dog, Jake. I had just turned 21 years old, Tommy was six months older than I was, so his days of being my ‘guardian’ were over, so he would joke and say. There were four couples that would come to our home every weekend to drink and get high and one single guy, we nicknamed him… Quinby. Quinby was on probation for a DWI and so my husband would go and pick him up for a weekend partying. Tommy would drink so hard and fast most weekends that he would be passed out before midnight. The couples would make their way home, leaving Quinby and I alone with our liquor drenched minds. It was July 2, 1998 when Quinby helped bring me to my knees for the first time in my life. I believe in things unseen I believe in the message of a dream And I believe in what you are Because you love me I didn’t tell anyone what had happened for the first year. I lived alone with my misery and I was so guilt ridden. Finally I dusted off that bible that Uncle Bud had given me and I looked for scriptures about adultery. I wasn’t a Christian. The Holy Spirit was not in me, so every time I read a scripture I felt condemned. I read somewhere about how the adulterous woman will surely burn in hell. I slammed the book shut and wept. I had no reason to live, but no reason to kill myself for IF there was a God; I was going to burn in this fiery hell for eternity. I had no reason to live and no reason to die. I knew nothing about forgiveness. I spent the next year of my life running scared from everything. I would not believe in God for the idea that if I did believe he existed, then I would have to believe that I was going to hell, for I knew nothing about Jesus Christ. All I knew was that God is like a Father… if that be the case, then God was way disgusted with me. I fell headfirst into addiction. It was the most miserable time of my life. I remember hiding my nakedness from my husband because I felt he would see Quinby all over me. I pushed Tommy away for I knew when the truth came out, he was going to leave and never come back. I stopped caring about everything… Tommy, our marriage… and myself… This was the worst time of my life up to that point and this is exactly the time that God started tugging at my heart. I wrestled with God, though I knew not that it was He I was wrestling with. I would slam His Word shut, curse him like the devil would, only to be drawn back to His Word again and again. Not long after I learned of why Jesus hung on the cross. I’m not sure when exactly it happened. I do remember flipping through the TV stations as I smoked a joint one early morning and Joyce Meyers caught my eye. She was speaking about salvation and the love of Christ. I watched her show as I smoked myself high. I remember thinking she sounded like a man but she looked like a woman. She no doubt caught my attention with the words she was speaking but it was almost a year after learning who Jesus was, watching her on television and wrestling with God through His Word, when I finally got down on my knees and prayed the sinners prayer. **************************** "Heavenly Father, have mercy on me, a sinner. I believe in you and that your word is true. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the living God and that he died on the cross so that I may now have forgiveness for my sins and eternal life. I know that without you in my heart my life is meaningless. I believe in my heart that you, Lord God, raised Him from the dead. Jesus forgive me, for every sin I have ever committed or done in my heart, Lord Jesus forgive me and come into my heart as my personal Lord and Savior today. I need you to be my Father and my friend. I give you my life and ask you to take full control from this moment on; I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ." Amen. *************************** That day my name was written in the book of life, by Christ’s own hand. Did my life miraculously get better? No. In fact, I got A LOT worse. But little by little, faith to faith, glory to glory, from that day to this one… the seed of Christ has grown. Salvation is free but Victory takes action. I didn’t get that in the beginning and I spent quite a bit of time walking around in the wilderness even as a born again believer. I did eventually confess to my husband about what I had done. After a brief split up, he decided to try forgiveness. We were together for another year but our marriage ultimately failed. Though, I do not speak lightly about the pain I inflicted on my husband through my adulterous actions. I do believe God used what Satan intended for harm… and he made it good. Of course, I can’t speak from my ex-husbands point of view… but chances are had that not happened, I would have never found Christ. With all my heart and all my soul I'm loving you and I never will let go And every day I'll let it show Because you love me Because you love me Because YOU love little ol’ me ~ Jo Dee Messina Jesus paid the price for me. Jesus died an agonizing death so I don’t have too. Jesus faced that fiery pit of Hell here on Earth so that all that come to him can have everlasting life. But Hold up… Jesus isn’t dead… He has RISEN… He is ALIVE! So…Why call it Good Friday? Because if he hadn’t died for us, then we could not truly live. We are confessing the Christian hope that NO tragedy can overwhelm God’s love and grace. We love him, because he first loved us. ~ 1 John 4:19 |
| I can't believe that it is after 5pm already! This day has flown by. I have stories to tell ...Three homeless men, 30 troubled teens doing community service, a live version of Judas tossing kisses through the office, nerve wrecking concerns of parasitic underwear... I will spare you the details. I need a nap... a three day nap... This is the singer I think looks like you bugzy is baaaccck!!   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjLXkispJXo |
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