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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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Review of Abby  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Shannon Anderson Author Icon-welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Considering that this is a powerful story, the simple title works well. Yet, something more inspired could easily be thought out.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Good beginning - the contrasting scenes and moods were well evoked. For such a short piece though, the beginning was lengthy. I mean that it took us to nearly the end to get a sense of the 'Problem' let alone Conflict and Resolution.

*Flower5* The Setting: The theme has been dealt with endless times before, so the setting had to be good. It was.

*Flower5* The Characters: We got a sense of all the characters. It might have been more effective to have fewer of them, but since the story was of the family unit, it did not jar too much to have all of them there.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Well done. Nothing that stood out as vivid word-painting, but it was adequate and did the job.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A heart-tugging tale of bereavement.

*Flower5* What I liked: It has been done before, but it still tugs at the emotive centers, no questioning that.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Just a couple of points:
"How do I say this? The woman thought. She sat for a few moments while the woman collected her thoughts. " I think 'Abby sat for a few moments', makes it clearer.

And should 'mom' and 'dad' not be capitalized? The terms mother and father might not be, but that's what she calls them, they become proper nouns. No?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Give Me a Reason  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello _welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.


*Flower5* I like the innovative separators, the *Heart* *Heart* *Heart*!

*Flower5* I liked the series of questions becoming an array of poetry.

*Flower5* I liked the inevitable balance and the echo, the final realisation that you might have moved on but if given enough reason or encouragement, you will return.

*Flower5* I would not say this was exemplary, but it stood out and drew attention to itself. Unusual and pleasing. Bravo.

Jyo


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1487191 Unavailable **
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Review of Lakeview  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Flower5* The Title: The title is simple and yet profound. Beautiful.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Keep the first sentence by itself. Stark and bare. Then begin the second para with all the description as rich and poignant contrast.

*Flower5* The Setting: The lake-side and the reminiscent mood are both well re-created.

*Flower5* The Characters: Maybe the characters are deliberately kept in the shadows, this is about feeling not persons.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Good in part, but it would benefit from having shorter sentences. I read somewhere that the golden maximum is eight words! I am not that rigid, but each of your sentences would make a para if you split it up into shorter ones.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A heart-felt tribute. Your intro says it all.

*Flower5* What I liked: You created the mood perfectly.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"The clear blue water and the old, withered tire swing that hung from an old oak that towered over the lake, like a protective guardian was a constant reminder of what I had and what I lost"

The tree could be 'withered', the tire should be 'weathered'. No? Hmm..a swing that hung, how apt! Can't it dangle or sway? Then we have the 'oak towering like a protective guardian' in that same, by now, over-burdened sentence! Then the sense of having wandered a bit as the subjective phrase gets lost! what reminded you of your loss? the tire-swing, the tree, the lake? Sorry, but this sentence exemplifies what I said about long sentences. *Bigsmile*

"We were young, and I was in love, to simply put it" 'to put it simply' is the more common usage.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Ann Ticipation Author Icon_welcome to my world. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

You have a beautiful name, with so much though going into choice of name, can the rest be other than delectable?

*Flower5* The Title: Acceptable, Like 'Ode to a Nightingale'. But "Songs from the bushes" would have topped that, even for Keats! The intro too continues the in the same footsteps, apt but just bland description.

*Flower5* Rhyming: Kind of like a collection of limericks, the same aabba rhyme scheme, yet the word pictures are so vivid they stand out in sheer brilliance and one notices the perfect rhyme scheme only later. Just one query:
"They stay bright in my mind and me enthral" If that is the spelling - no argument, but 'enthrall' looks good to me.

*Flower5* Meter: 'Twas almost a perfect 10-10-5-5-10 in the first verse, only the last line had 11! Some great imagery there, especially in verses 1 and 2. Good job!

*Flower5* Grammar: Not a stringent requirement in poetry - yet...
"Reflect the autumn show love’s stood the test" Would you say a comma was required in there?

*Flower5* Poetry Form: I do not know this form, are the verses meant to repeat? Verses 3 & 6 are identical. The repeat of the first line as last was effective, opening and closing so to say.

*Flower5* Poem as a whole: This was beautiful, especially comparing the season to a phase of life.

*Flower5* Remarks: You get a big *Thumbsup**Check2*


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1487191 Unavailable **
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and i will be reviewing this bit of your soul for member-to-Member reviews for October. It a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit.

You call this a Short Story by your item choice, hence I am using that template for the review. However I feel that even if fictional it reads like an experience and is not a classic story (Problem-Conflict-Resolution)- it might better be classed as 'Fiction'.

*Flower5* The Title: Great title, unusual and promises a slice of nature.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Some good narrative. It read like a journal entry and rang true.

*Flower5* The Setting: The picture was a 'plus', but even without, the words drew a vivid picture.

*Flower5* The Characters: The kids were all jumbled together at first, then each became separate from the rest by action or reaction.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: The scenery was described in more detail, but the love for family shone through.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A nice tale with a small lesson within and no happy resolution, like real life!

*Flower5* What I liked: The way it 'rang true'.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Nary a one!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, My name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I will be reviewing your piece for October Member-to-Member reviews. This is a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: A good title, the kind that introduces one of the main characters or incidents and tells a little about the scene of action - in this case a Big Game!

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning was good, we got the picture immediately.

*Flower5* The Setting: Well done, this was a great job of scene setting, be it the game, the club, the group around the empty fireplace, or the poker game. Each scene was brought to life in front of our eyes.

*Flower5* The Characters: Again, another laudable writing effort. I particularly liked the gyrating first-fielder and the reason for his antics! Subtle humour at its best.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Vivid and enthralling, I saw what I had never glimpsed before. Even the men trudging off the field were brought to lige by the description of the rusted and squeaky barrow.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Loved it, exemplary writing! Dr. you are a veritable physician armed with a lexicon of words that heal the weary spirit.

*Flower5* What I liked: What's NOT to like? This was good in every part.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Nary a one, except perhaps to continue to wield this instrument as deftly as a master surgeon his scalpel. I will consult you again for sure.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1388845 Unavailable **
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Birdie Author Icon_welcome to my world. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

THe piece is a tad long for constructive reviewing, I'd suggest splitting up the three components and keeping them separate, unless you have no room in your port. i will review just the first part here.
*Flower5* The Title: Is there a title? This is pretty confusing. You are choosing not to use a powerful tool to draw people into your story.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The introduction will be unnecessary if you split things up and let the reader find out where the story is going. Now even this beginning has typos like non-capitalization of 'megan' or 'im' instead of 'him', 'eachother' for 'each other' - etc. etc.. Beginnings must be impeccable. I'd suggest a thorough proof-reading.

*Flower5* The Setting: I really could not make out that the setting was an orphanage/adoption center from your piece, it was the intro that clued me in.

*Flower5* The Characters: The description of Jackson and Megan at the beginning, one as narrator and another as best friend, is good. The narrative style and POV go hand-in-hand.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: I would have liked a little more description of the little brother, but the action is fast and one doesn't actually notice the loss.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: The first part was better than whatever I skimmed of the other two, I'm sorry to say I had lost interest by the middle of the second part, the whole thing is too error-ridden to sustain interest. This could easily be fixed with a good edit, do consider it. I do not know where the story is going, but if the promise in the beginning is sustained, you have something good here.

*Flower5* What I liked: unusual setting, and definitely promising beginning.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Some visual appeal could be added with the use of one line spacing between paragraphs.

Do take care of typos/errors:

"Description beofre story begins" Even your intro had a typo, it is 'before'.

"“You guys           C’ mon TC just had to get his little sister" Extra space there.

"Then he breaks down again into a pile of tears" Awkward metaphor, how does one 'pile' tears? "Flood" is trite but a more fitting metaphor, 'cataract of tears' or 'raining tears' might do too!

" He cries out and one of his hands nail a security guard in the mouth" It is one of his hands, hence 'nails' not 'nail'.

Just a representative selection, there are many more...

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of How I Wish  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello poetical Author Icon_welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: Good title and effective use as refrain. Your intro says "Sometimes you can't re-write the past...", I rather thought one could never re-write the past? Or did Omar Khayyam have it all wrong? Y'know "The moving finger writes and having writ moves on...yadda yadda"?

*Flower5* The Mood: Introspection, regret and an understanding that came too late.

*Flower5* The Rhyme and Rhythm: You choose to eschew these devices, yet the line arrangement with the staggered lengths is strangely pleasing. It speaks of random thoughts, scattered - yet one leading into another. Apt, considering the subject.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: It 'worked'; especially with the philosophical ending.

*Flower5* What I liked: The natural thoughts, very easy progression from regret to analysis and conclusion.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Mmm...maybe one place where either punctuation or some word change would be required.
"How I wish you could
Understand how truly sorry
I am that
You and I,
Could get past the issues we had." Either change that to 'couldn't' or place a comma after 'I am' and place a 'I wish that' after that?

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
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Review of The Serene Child  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello mom2belalia_welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*Flower5* The Title: You kids are killing me. I took like forever to learn how to post an item with appropriate item choices, rating and genres properly done. Yet you two day old infants are showing me how to do it effortlessly from birth! Kudos. Yet, the title, that could be improved. Not that it is not fitting, yet it lacks the uniques signature that would proclaim that a piece worth the reading lay within.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Your piece is powerful for its imagery and you get going from word one. Good job.

*Flower5* The Setting: Easy to picture, whether it is the natural refuge or the contrast of the world left behind.

*Flower5* The Characters: You take an unattractive character and make us feel sympathy for her, that takes some doing.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Vivid and they give this piece a strong rich flavour.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A little vignette, a glimpse of one rich character or mood. The work is a delicate water-colour, not a flamboyant oil painting. Attractive.

*Flower5* What I liked: Unusual description of something not attractive at all, but yet saved from the ugly by the inspired way of describing it.
" Her teeth are overlapping, thus she smiles shyly with her lips pulled taunt over the rough terrain in her mouth"

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just that one-line spacing between paragraphs would add to the visual appeal and make this easy to read. It was a pleasure to meet you, glorious!


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
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Review of Sacrifice  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Gypsy ♥ Wind Author Icon_welcome to WDC. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. What a pretty colour for the title - seasonal pumpkin orange with hints if black - great!

*Flower5* The Title: Again, good! It could have many shades of meaning so I dived in, eager to see where you were going!

*Flower5* The Arrangement: Centering and quatrains, both are attractive and eye-catching. If you had one verse less, with the last verse a couplet you'd have one of the variations of a sonnet.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: A simple choice, it is not necessarily an easy one however - aabb.

*Flower5* The Meter/Rhythm: 'Twas too much to expect of the lass; there is no sign of this. Alas! Syllable counts can restrain some writers, it can equally stimulate others. TO go with it or not is the poet's right to decide.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some word associations are good, some seem more random. For e.g.
Good: *Check3* "Encrypted tombs burst open at night"
Too trite: "Begging for mercy with one last breath"

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: It seems written for the effect, not spontaneous, the prompt words are bunched so close together, the rest seems thrown up around it. Yet it does live up to the mood.

*Flower5* What I liked: The opening line was good, creating just the right atmosphere. "October brings forth decadent beasts"

*Flower5* Suggestions:

Some 'huh' moments:
"A victim's demise falls close to death" Are not 'demise' and 'death' synonyms?

"Ghoulish preditors" predators?


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1431092 Unavailable **
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Review of Autumn Night  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: This is an apt title.

*Flower5* The Form: I think if you remove that title "Autumn Night" from the body of the poem, it fits seamlessly into the classic 5-7-5 format.

*Flower5* The Kireji and the Kigo: These are devices to be used, I think you have achieved both. The last line is the philosophical part, the first two the imagery, so the 'cut' occurs at the end of line two. The season is autumn, so that is the 'kigo'.

*Flower5* The Haiku as a Whole: *Check4* *Thumbsup*

*Flower5* What I liked: Difficult form, well mastered.

*Flower5* Suggestions: nary a one.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1385798 Unavailable **
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Review of Trick or Treat  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: Good, it has layers like Shrek's onion! Delicious.

*Flower5* The Item: Oh, this is for W. D. Wilcox's "Dialogue 500" right? I must drop in there, this is the second phone conversation gem I have come across. Was that a prompt?

*Flower5* The Dialogue: Snappy, smart and inventive.

*Flower5* The Characters: Naturally - only two. It takes two to make a conversation and if Jack had realized that earlier, he might have been happier.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Unusual haunting.

*Flower5* What I liked: The resolution. But I did not quite 'get' the reason she was so sure the phantasm could not reach her. I'd have been scared silly!

*Flower5* Suggestions: None, it an inspired bit. To get meaning over using only dialogue is really difficult. the exemplary job of a master word-smith.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of The First Pizza  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* Cute! Original! And Inspired

*Flower5* Might not exactly be politically correct, but 'twas quite amusing. Amusingly simple and simply amusing. I quite agree about the pupils being lesser than the Master, naturally.

*Flower5* Only one little question - is it not Caesar? You spell it Ceaser, loke one who ceases to exist. Or was that Spell-check's devious thinking.

*Flower5* Oh, one more thing: In "he just lifted the pizza higher out of the peoples reach." is no apostrophe required there?

*Flower5* Thanks for the chuckle.

Jyo


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1385798 Unavailable **
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Review of Santa  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: OK, I mean that -just OK. You could raise the bar by calling it "Santa declares Bankruptcy"

*Flower5* The Beginning: You call it a short story in item choice and then arrange it strangley like verse. What gives? Beginnings must set themselves up to be flawless - baseball is not spelled 'baceball'. And do kids call themselves that - the plumber's kid? Wouldn't it be more natural for him to use his surname? He could add, do you need any broken taps fixing, my Dad is a 'plummer'. It is OK for Joey to mis-pronounce the word, the narrator can't, and Santa shouldn't.

*Flower5* The Setting: Why does the kid roam the pier alone? Why does he think the guy is Santa? Is he bearded and white-haired? Surely he doesn't have on fur-trimmed red suit and pointy hat?

*Flower5* The Characters: It's cute when Joey says 'trycle', not so when Santa does it.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Why aren't there any? It is a story?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Nice touch, the wry comment at the end. Poor joey is not getting a 'trycle' from wither Dad or Santa this X'mas!

*Flower5* What I liked:

*Flower5* Suggestions: Too many errors for such a short piece: Other than those already mentioned -
" "But... your Santa" 'you're' not 'your'.

I'd add a qualifying remark to the intro "Christmas in America"; 'in these depressing times', or 'these times of depression/recession'.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1385798 Unavailable **
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: Good title. This piece see-sawed wildly between the sublime and the mundane. The title was the former.

*Flower5* The Beginning: First line effective. Rest of the para full of confusing and conflicting description.
"In stepped Alicia, dressed in a smart blue suit and tie with a skirt cut at just below knee-length, accentuated with black open-toed high heels and two earrings, both shaped like an ankh, dangling from her ears. Her hair was raven-black, curly, and free from any kind of tie down to her shoulders. Her eyes were the green of a watercress leaf." There is no need to give us her name right now, it is revealed in the end in full detail. Suit and tie -with a skirt; wrong order there. Then, 'cut below knee length', just the length would do, unless you mean literally 'cut' by a pair of scissors or hacked? Last the hair 'Her hair was raven-black, curly, and free from any kind of tie down to her shoulders' If it was down to her shoulders, it was free from any kind of tie. 'Her raven black hair exploded in curls down to her shoulders' makes a more effective description!

*Flower5* The Setting: Why call the occupants of the bar 'examples of humanity'? Let her distance herself by action not a statement of being non-human.

*Flower5* The Characters: Some bits are delicious, "You witch" - "You bet!", effective and chilling retort.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Like I said before - confusing: The retort to 'What's your sign?' was superb, a great Put-me-down. Yet it has a little later:
"said Alicia, suddenly adopting a more charming tone of voice and a small smile" OK, she had a bright idea, but a 'more charming' tone than the put down she just delivered - it needs to be a lot more alluring than that! Just a slight smile won't do it. How about"... she leaned forward to whisper in a seductive intimacy quite unlike her caustic comment a moment ago."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Good, on the whole. The balance works out slightly on the plus side, for the funny quips.

*Flower5* What I liked: The snide remarks. The intro was good too.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"Then the sign started to light up *Check3* an unnatural glow," I think the word 'with' is required here at the check mark.
"She then stood and walked over the bar, sitting before it" redundant description, she couldn't very well sit behind it! How about "perching with ease upon the high stool vacant."

Not fond of the mean curse that included the early death of his children. The other two were 'wicked' but personal, this one was too much retribution for the small crime of trying to 'pick up' a woman in a bar.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1385798 Unavailable **
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: Keep that title stuff for your intro and try for another title. How about "Giving to the Needy"

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning was adequate where it needed to be exemplary. Setting yourself up to be the 'worst' of anything requires as much effort as being the 'Best'. It is no excuse for shoddy work. The first thing that struck me was, tall enough to bump his head on a paneled ceiling? Boy, that's gigantic! Not a very vampirish feature.

*Flower5* The Setting: You had a good opportunity for comedy in the dazed incomprehension of the lab or blood bank worker. The vampire strolled past "taking care to run his hands across microscopes, test tubes, and yards of documents on his way." Why was he touching documents? Throwing avaricious eyes at the gleaming rows of test tubes and vials - OK. Documents? Why?

*Flower5* The Characters: Now, I just did a bit of Googling for vampires and came up with enough facts to have queries about your vampire; with his innocence about sources of blood, he is 'new', yet if his needs are to be met 'weekly', he is past 250 years old. You could have him murmur, 'too bad I didn't stumble upon this mother-lode in my infancy, a couple of centuries ago'! And the officious assistant could perhaps lecture him about when laboratories/blood banks started.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Now vampires don't have flame-throwing as one of their abilities do they, super-human strength - that is described. It is best to stick to the folk-lore or explain deviation.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A germ of a good story, it needs tightening.

*Flower5* What I liked: There's humour there, a rich vein - just waiting to be tapped. But it wouldn't be the Worst story ever written about vampires then!

*Flower5* Suggestions:
" I had become nervous and annoyed and all to aware of how small my little lab room was" 'too aware'

"handing it to the smiling undead buffon." 'buffoon', and he wasn't doing much buffoon-ing was he?

Why is the health care worker asking for preferences as though he is a bar attendant. Make the vampire ask for it instead, another humorous touch!

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The title was a marvel of suggestion, the quote was interpreted in a literal and figurative sense.

*Flower5* I am sorry for the heartfelt loss depicted. I hope the Lord can bring solace to all bereaved and grieving souls.

*Flower5* I would hesitate to wound by critiquing this heart-felt tribute. But you need to look at it and polish out the errors.

*Flower5* "wrote in year 9"? In the year '99? Or 9years ago? Or at the age of 9? The intro is not clear.

*Flower5* A little matter of capitalization - "I'm tired, and i've seen enough trees today"

*Flower5* Not entirely happy with the personalization of the brakes and the steering; but the tale must be told as the author feels it.

*Flower5* Effective and poignant, that's all I can say.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Breach  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.
Hello there young 'un, welcome to WDC. If ever I had to agree about an item being an 'Other' 'twould be here. However we even have 55 word stories as genre on-site; try and work this into a Flash fiction piece of 55/100 or 33 words!

*Flower5* The Title: Good one, but was the breach the focus of the story?

*Flower5* The Beginning: Again adequate, but rather spoilt by the typo in the second line:
"His man were all gone" 'men' surely?

*Flower5* The Setting: Yes, the setting of combat is achieved.

*Flower5* The Characters: The focus is one character and the action fast-paced enough that just a glimpse is enough.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: This is what is lacking, either not clear enough, or not vivid.
"He checked both corners before he hopped over the large piece of and hugged his body up to a metal car frame." Both corners of what? hopped over a large piece of what? And "hugged his body up to" was rather vague in action.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: A good 'twist' here, make it more suspenseful.

*Flower5* What I liked: The ending was worthy of flash fiction.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
"As he turned he saw three men all point a gun towards him" 'All point their guns' right? Not just one gun? This requires a little tautening and some good tense description. Try for a second look. The nucleus is good.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of November  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: Great title. A one word mood description.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Loved the list in the beginning, which shows desperation, distraction and pathetic impermanence of life!

*Flower5* The Setting: Created by that incongruous list. Superb!

*Flower5* The Characters: I like the terse dialogue, the lack of explanation the comfort with each other, it made the end inevitable and so fitting.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Not much of 'em, but the fast paced narrative did not require much. Yet there are one-line worlds created:
"The crowds of yellow cabs and hooded strangers began to slip, to fade, to disappear into empty countryside."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I do not know what the problem was, but it looms large, the conflict is clear but not defined, only the resolution is clear. Yet the whole is satisfying. Good job.

*Flower5* What I liked: All of it.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Nary a one. Write On! I reserve that final half-star for an unknown something that I am sure you can find it in your heart to add, either to this or subsequent efforts.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: Why is the title a description of the contest or prompt requirement? The title should be the 'hook' to entice a reader within, the intro should enhance the effect of the title or completely contrast it. The bit about the FF can be noted along with the word count. Try for something like 'A Bus-ride at Night'.

*Flower5* The Beginning: You give away the ending at the very beginning. 'I have had this dark recurring dream' - creates the same atmosphere and lets us wait for the end - until the end! In flash fiction it is hard enough to create suspense, without defusing the bomb before it is set!

*Flower5* The Setting: This is well done. No extra time wasted, but the aura is created.

*Flower5* The Characters: Kept down to the minimum, crucial in short pieces.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some sublime bits: "" The violet irises flashed oddly

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Good one. Taut and well paved.

*Flower5* What I liked: What a fantasy! The kind of things you youngsters come up with, I wanted to meet a nice 'well-settled' boy with 'prospects' and a 'sense of humour'(trouble was he was looking for his soul mate!)

*Flower5* Suggestions: BTW, could one meet a V'pire other than 'personally'? Vicariously just wouldn't 'cut' it for vampires! (Pun unintended)


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of Layover  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: Wow! This is one item I liked from start to finish, it was the title that goosed me at the start.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Heart-pounding and yet avoids the usual cliches! Bravo

*Flower5* The Setting: Exemplary! I could see every bit of it.

*Flower5* The Characters: The reactions, the actions, the inter-actions - all good.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: This was the best part. My fave line:
"my entire body felt like it was being dragged at tremendous speeds from one side of a football stadium to the other in about .08 seconds."

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It had just a problem, no resolution as such, and there was an overflowing and vivid beginning that was the end, which ended where it began! Why did I like it so much? Because it made me feel, deeply at that.

*Flower5* What I liked: The depth of feeling that showed. Kudos on a bit of writing that makes me determined to have a peek into your port, sometime soon.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Nary a one my friend, I cannot find anything to fault. There might be typos sure, or a missing commas or two, I cannot bring myself to comment on the those in the light of the pleasure (can I say pleasure?-reading pleasure?) I got from perusing this.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of I love you  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

The intro is where I would imagine a title is added to or complemented, the comments about why one writes or how one feels can come on a review request page or within the item itself.

*Flower5* The Title: I wonder how many items on site have the same or similar titles? ( I counted three with ditto, four similar and one was even written on the very same day in a site-search.!) The 'hook' is always baited with something appealing, for the wily fish it has to be a 'lure' and not just a worm!

*Flower5* The Rhyming: Couplets are always attractive, and the first two have a nice rhyme, what happens in the third? 'Controllable' and 'abandoned' - no assonance, no alliteration, what's going on?

*Flower5* The Meter: It is always the choice to eschew this if you want, but Boy! Are the lines of varying length. take couplet four, you have 10 and 25 syllables in the two lines. Then the ending syllables do not rhyme, tho' assonance works here. Even I'm confused!

"in my mind which is thouroughly confused
saying that i can believe one of your sweet lies, i want so badly to think that you'd love me soon"
It is fine to not rhyme, or not use arrangement or meter, but it must be consistent in its non-conformity! Some later rhymes too are undecided about rhyme like 'still/feel' and 'words/burdens' and love/enough' as rhyming pairs.

*Flower5* The Devices: I like the use of lower case 'i' to signify the loss of identity felt. That is what it signifies?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some bits are graphic, excellent use of words:
"when i try to love you i always fail
you wrapped me in so fast that i couldn't set sail" I could immediately see a love that bound and choked response.

*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: I couldn't appreciate it until I sat back and read it for just the feel. That part was good. So I am ambivalent, it is definitely a cut above the ordinary, yet it fails to set a consistent mark.

*Flower5* What I liked: The opening couplet was great, worth the read just to have read those two lines.
"love is a word that is way too strong
to be used the way we used it wrong"

*Flower5* Suggestions: Just take a second look at it and see if you are happy with it as it is. If you are, ignore me. Your writing seems assured enough, and God knows there is room for all styles.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of That Ugly Boy.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: This part struck me right away as a powerful draw. But I expected something that would be attractive to at least the narrator. I mean this is one repulsive guy. It just did not seem believable!

*Flower5* The Beginning: Why is this termed a 'chapter'? Is it going to be part of a longer item? Then this itself would be the beginning. I thought writing-wise the work was done - the setting created, as was the mood. It just wasn't gripping enough to have so much profanity ( normal teens-speak it may be)raising the item rating, for so little result. I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep on reading about this inexplicable 'love' for so long.

*Flower5* The Setting: Simple sentences that create an image -well done.

*Flower5* The Characters: As above. some sentences were at least acceptable in making one feel drawn to the character. "In the dead of night she would think of him. His swaying hair as he walked by. The smell of simple soap and beer." Others merely repulsed, I do not know which effect you were intending to 'use'.
"He's teeth a slight yellow. A missing tooth. Disgusting, really" Sure you don't mean 'His teeth'? Then make it "He has teeth of a slight yellow'.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Like I said, the narrator is a hopeless love-struck loser, the hero is a repulsive loser. Why do those other girls cluster around him then? Are they bigger losers? Then he can't really be a loser? Forget it, I'm getting lost here! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: This could be made into a good story from the POV of a teen (or is it tween? One doesn't know)

*Flower5* What I liked: You take the story from an unusual viewpoint, what makes a person 'attractive'? That said, it needs to be developed so that we can understand that.

*Flower5* Suggestions:
Some confusing sentences:
"other girls, in much lower ranks then her of course, would crowd him" 'Other girls would crowd him, not one was of higher rank to her of course.'(what rank are we talking about here - some kind of Queen Bee stakes?)

" Look at what your doing to me." 'you're' or 'you are'

You need to give this piece another quick check for typos and grammar mistakes, at least.

Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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Review of The Black Rose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hullo there young 'un. Welcome to WDC, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the Power Reviewers for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

Now I see you term this to be a short story so I am going to use that template to review it.

*Flower5* The Title: This was good, gave us a hint of the contrast something dark and beautiful, and it names something central to the story. So far, so good.

*Flower5* The Beginning: All good stories must have at least a beginning, a middle and an end. There must be a conflict and a resolution - not necessarily a 'happy one. You do fine on all those counts.. However the one paragraph format you choose jumbles them all up. Try for paras, with one line spaces between them. Also take a good look at the opening lines - "She was the nicest person he had ever met" Too tame for this dark romance. 'There was something about her that tugged at his heart, even as his mind found her inscrutable and mysterious'; something on those lines - in your own words. Make it 'different'.

*Flower5* The Setting: Extremely detailed, but something in me was protesting. a rose bush with so many differently coloured blooms? Were they grafted? A black rose that is described again and again as white? Something jarred. Try a gardening magazine to pick up better ways to describe a rosebush.

*Flower5* The Characters: The guy does funny things, he has a pocket knife to trim off thorns, but he 'rips up' the bloom?
" He rips it up, takes a pocketknife from his pocket and proceeds to cut the thorns off the thing of beauty" Please make the actions 'fit' the character, either he rips it up uncaring of the thorns, or he uses the knife to neatly cut off the bloom in the first place!

*Flower5* The Descriptions: These too were awkward in their placement. I found picturing the things described wearying, the detail was too much and in the wrong order. For e.g.:
"He picks up a white one, careful not to get stabbed by the thorns that occupied the outside" 'He chose a white one, with thick waxen petals; gripping the prickly stem with care to avoid the long thorns.' Same idea, but I think the picture becomes quieter and clearer, if you 'get' what I mean?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Interesting to say the least. Eerie too.

*Flower5* What I liked: You had something unusual to say in the way of romance, I'd say you could make this into a fine tale. But things rush on faster than a space shuttle, they are 'to be married soon' in the opening, married by the middle and she was pregnant long before the end! Back up a little and draw things out.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I have made 'em all, at various points. I have only this to add, if at all you re-write or alter, I would be glad to be invited back to re-rate.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1385798 Unavailable **
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. for October. Please accept this review in the spirit in which it is made - a gesture of friendliness.

*Flower5* The Title: Is the book in the name of the character? That does work sometimes, think of David Copperfield. But, it would not be my favourite choice for a title; I thought 'Great Expectations' was a sublime choice, apt, and layered with meaning.

*Flower5* The Beginning: Nothing could be that messy - that was my first thought. It almost put me off from going further into the story. Yet the description was good. The place for the shower stall and toilet was unusual to say the least - the kitchen! I'm sure never eating in that house!

*Flower5* The Setting: This was done in adequate detail, yet it needed to create some empathy. I can't quite put my finger on it, except to say if this was the main character; you have gone a long way here to making her difficult to like.

*Flower5* The Characters: You keep to the judicious minimum; more would have over-burdened a short piece. The two are sketched out in sufficient detail and played out against each other. Good job.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Again this is sufficient; it just does rise to sublime. For e.g.:
"Already painfully skinny and pale to begin with, Dillon’s skin had turned an almost deathly white" We get a clear picture, but the word choices are all 'expected' and trite. Try 'as white as the underbelly of a frog' or 'as skinny as the lead in a skeleton band' or whatever catches your fancy - make it stand out. Go for gross, or comedy as a reliever of the built-up tension.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Now, you'd be surprised how much I liked it. I bother to tell you what I think because I think there is a nugget, no a boulder, of gold in there. Just needs some dynamiting to get it out! *Bigsmile*

*Flower5* What I liked: The hint of futuristic and fantasy tale, delicious combination, some mystery thrown in too. Good.

*Flower5* Suggestions: I think I have already made my points; I won't belabour them.


Any comments are made as an individual opinion. Please sip what you find sweet and discard what you think is sour.
Jyo

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
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