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This is my blog about random thoughts and writing. |
Size: 101 Entries
Created: October 11th, 2005 at 6:49am
Modified: June 19th, 2019 at 2:26pm
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This blog is about my current life, struggling with bipolar disorder, also random everyday thoughts and trying to work through writer's block.
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November 3, 2011 at 12:24pm
November 3, 2011 at 12:24pm
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| I used my lightbox for 60 minutes today. I'm going to try to use it everyday, but it will be hard to schedule it with having to go the day program in the morning. I used it during the fall in the past and it helped a little. I saw my psychiatrist today he wants me to take less meds I'm fine the ways things are but i agree bentropine is useless. He wants me to stop klonpin too i guess so but I'm not going to just cold turkey stop it has withdrawal if you suddenly stop it. Then he said about lowering my topamax he's got to be crazy i told him no- I'm bipolar I'd get manic and irritable. I don't see what was wrong with what I was taking. It wasn't that much and everything was fine. I lost my Nook somewhere in th house. I was trying to download Anais Nin diary. I see the allergist today. I've been taking zrtec so long it stopped working. |
November 2, 2011 at 3:43pm
November 2, 2011 at 3:43pm
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| I dressed up for Halloween, I got "bottle of blood" at party city , white grease paint and tube of blood face, and used my black lipstick and eyeshadow. I used too much blood so I was a either a killer, zombie, vampire it didn't matter. B let me put scary makeup on him. He used the fangs I got at party city and put blood on them. I'm going to start using my lightbox. I've been getting tired easily and sort of depressed. I want to get a bigger one the one I have now is getting old anyway. I didn't get to light candles for those who passed because mom dragged me everywhere for at least 8 hours yesterday. |
October 24, 2011 at 5:43pm
October 24, 2011 at 5:43pm
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| Ravens play today so B was very happy. He's like so obsessed with the Ravens. I still don't know what to be for halloween. Last year I wanted to be Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas I had the hair but couldn't fit in the costume (my hair was flaming red and long now my hair is short bleached blonde and I'm thinner I thought I might just wear a white filmy dress and throw fake blood all over me and carry a fake knife and be a murderer or find some reason to have blood all over me to win scariest costume at the program. I'll look up hallowen costumes bloody isn't a good idea. |
October 22, 2011 at 7:46pm
October 22, 2011 at 7:46pm
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My mom is driving me crazy. Ever since I moved back in after losing my section 8 apartment she controls everything I do. I'm 33 i'm too old for this. If she comes up to my room at 4am she acts shocked and says "what are doing up" like I killed someone or commited a crime for staying up late reading or writing or watchng tv. She gives me my night medicine and acts like I'm suposed to just fall over asleep in 2 seconds. She doesn't wants me to take ritalin and doen't give me my 3x a day. She won't let B come over and her excuse for that is our dog would bite him, or the house is a mess. Her and dad really like dad, even Evil Aunt Bonnie likes him, but they won't let him come to hang out with me here for whatever reason I don't know; I've been with him for a year. I stay up all night to get away from my family it crowded here- mom, dad, me, my brother, my evil aunt, 3 dogs, 3 cats, a hermit crab (Dr. Zoidberg- Futurama, I've had for a year ), Samarai (my red Betta I've had for a year also). It seems like I'm never alone except at night. Then I have time alone to write and read freely.
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October 21, 2011 at 10:00pm
October 21, 2011 at 10:00pm
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I' m going to try to write in here more often. But my life is kind of boring. Anyway, I started taking ritalin again, 3x a day. I used to take focalin xr a couple years ago. My mom still controls some of my psych meds and thats one of them andshe's not every good at it- sometimes she doesn't give me all 3 of them because thinks its too close to each other. She needs to talk to my psychiatrist i'm suposed to take 3 not whenever mom feels like it. It keeps me from sleeping all day and focus on writing and reading and I will probably take a college class in Spring. They took me off focalin xr because L was stealing them from me and Iwasn't taking a class. I tried to learn German and learned a little, like numbers, colors, basic conversatons but then stopped because I didn't have to the time to fully devote what it takes to learn a language. Right now I'm reading "What Have You Lost?" a book of poetry about loss. I got a big keyboard for christmas and I've been wanting to use it but there's nowhere to put it where it won't be in the way. My great-uncle used to let me use his.
I'm still reading and doing the exercises from "The Vein Of Gold."
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October 20, 2011 at 5:21pm
October 20, 2011 at 5:21pm
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I havn't wrote in here in so long. I still go to the psychiatric day program. That's where I met my boyfriend "B." He's a good guy, which is good because I've just got rid of L which was an abusive relationship. I write morning pages 3 pages of whatever in the morning first, then write from prompts. I'm starting a short story about growing being abused and becoming an addict, or something like that. I'm reading and doing the exercises in The Vein Of Gold by Julia Cameron. I write in my journal a lot. I see a pain management doctor and found out I have arthritis in my lower back. So at least they can't say I'm making the pain up or being drug seeking. They don't giveme anything for it, but maybe a backbrace if my insurance covers it. I'm only 33 but I think I have arthritis in my hands and legs too. They did a catscan or MRI to prove it in my lower back. I'm getting old I don't know if I'll be able to have babies. Ive been close to B for a year this October. He kept in contact with me even when I was in the hospital for those 4 months last year.
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| I've been writing promts from Book of Days, and my Morning Pages (3 pages of journaling), and Writes and Passages (A month of Writing promts from Artella. I've been reading Charles Simic, Jane Kenyon, Ranier Maria Rilke, Sylvia Plath, C. K. Williams, Charles Bukowski (again). Emily Dickinson. I write my promts from Book of Days in in colored inks and calligraphy pen on a journal with thick handmade paper made in Nepal. I'm on week 12 of the Artists way. When I'm done that I'm going to read the Sound of Paper by Julia Cameron. |
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| I've been reaing Anne Sexton's poems. I'vebeen writing haikus. I've been geting up early butI stay up to watch 2 1/2 Men and Golden Girls. I dread going back to the day program. But Ihave to sooner or later. |
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| Lve been cleaning and i found some poems I lost. I finishhed readingCharles Bukowski now I rereading Anne Sexton. My psychiatrist said to read beforei go to sleep. I takemy ambien and read for 30 minutes then laydown and try to sleep. I also started gettting up really early so its easier to go to sleep. I;m on week 7 of artist way. I found the book of days prompts but i haveto type it because my handwriting is not legible. My morningpages ae scribble and after I write it i cant read it. Its a curse. Sometime wrist braces help make my handwriting better. I never write in cursive anymore. I want a desk in my room. Its full ofstiff. I cleaned and threw alot awaay. I'm sort of a hoarder so it was hard. |
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| Since my illness i havn't been going to my day program for mental illness. I'm supposed to start soon since i'm getting better but i don't really dont want to go back. I have toget up early for it. I usedto spendingmy time at home and going places with my mom or ding ATCs collages andwriting prompts reading. I have no contact with my ex L my ex of the past 7 years I am free of the abusive relationship. Iam doingthe Artist Way again. I am on weeek 6. I do MP 3 pages of free write every day. I am reading bukowski poems now. I lost 25 lb.s during my illness which losing weight is always goood. Iwant to lose more. |
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