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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| The school year started yesterday, and things seem to be going okay so far. One of the tricks I've learned to getting information out of both kids is to ask specific questions. If you simply ask them "What did you learn in school today?" they'll always default to "I don't know/I don't remember". If you ask them "How was math?" they'll be more likely to respond. I got lots of information out of both of them because of this trick, so I know how they feel about everything so far. Journey seems to be enjoying 4th grade so far, not having problems moving different classes, or anything like that. I'm very happy for her, she's starting to adjust well to these transitions a lot better. Ryan is sincerely excited about his classes, which I'm glad. I told him his math teacher from last year taught him a valuable lesson that I hope he carries with him well into high school. I'm glad he had her for his first year of middle school, as now he knows what's expected of him, and how to process it better. It would've been a rude awakening to get her in 8th grade, after he got used to teachers leaning over. Start with strict boundaries, and then you'll know what you're up against every year after that. Journey ended up getting the secondary teacher that Ryan had when he was in 4th grade as her primary teacher, and the other veteran 4th grade teacher as her secondary teacher. The only concern that I had with her is that, when Ryan was in her class, when I would email her about concerns, she would never respond back. It drove me insane for an entire year, and I was hoping to avoid that same situation this year, but no such luck. I wrote her an email before school asking her to keep the lines of communication open with me all year, as Journey is autistic, and she's the one that works with her the most throughout the day. I'm sure her special ed teacher (we got her old special ed teacher back this year!! We were so thrilled! Not that we don't love the new one, we do, but her old one was with her when she was in pre-k and kindergarten and we grew very attached to her!) will contact me and let me know anything of interest or concern, but her primary teacher is the one that spends the most time with her during the day, and there are things I need to know. She messaged me back and let me know that she will continue to communicate regularly with me (which I was very relieved to hear), and that email is the best way to go (which is good, because email is the best way to communicate with me as well. I don't care to use the phone often). Journey's birthday is coming up pretty quick! We've had a countdown built on a website since the start of the month, and Journey's been watching it count down every day. She's extremely excited for her birthday party at the local froyo shop, which we're thinking will be hosting about 14 kids (Ryan doesn't count, as he's too grown up to get a store sponsored t-shirt and a pack of crayons, he says), and I hope all have a good time. A couple will be late, but I'm sure it will be okay. We weren't given a cut off time as to when the party had to end, so I'm assuming we can be there for a little over an hour or an hour and a half or so. We'll find out on Saturday. |
| I went to my psychiatrist and talked to him about how I've been feeling for awhile now. I told him about how I was diagnosed, and how it didn't make sense that I was still feeling this way. He then asked me to describe a manic episode, so I did. He then threw out other symptoms, none of which I had. "You're not bipolar," he told me. "They made a mistake, so the first thing we need to do is get you off these meds." So now, we are slowly working my way off all these meds.He did prescribe me a different med that will help with the depression, anxiety, and my ADD. He said it could take a couple of months to kick in, but hopefully by that time, I'll be off everything else. It's such a relief to know that it wasn't just me, that it was wrong, and I was going through things still because the diagnosis was wrong. I am not impressed with the original psychiatrist I went to. She screwed up big time. The other four just kind of followed suit. I'm glad this one listened to me though, and he's righting the wrongs that have been done thus far. Relief flooded through me when he listened to me and realized what was going on. I have a doctor that actually listens to me, how about that? It's nice to see that there are doctors out there that still do. Tomorrow is my WDC birthday. I can't believe I've been on here for 13 years now, 9 of those years blogging. I could do more, but I feel this is as productive as I get at this point. Perhaps when I'm feeling better, I'll venture out more. School starts in a week, and I'm really looking forward to it. Still feeling the need to have some alone time from the kids. I love them, I truly do, but I just need to be alone. I need some time to be a grown up and not have to deal with kids. I get a whopping 5 hours and 35 minutes to myself every day. Although to some it sounds like a lot, it's really not a lot at all. Jen said she would be looking to come see me more often during the school year, so I think it's time that we get Ryan a set of house keys. A little bit of freedom for me, and a little bit of responsibility for Ryan, it's a nice trade off so I feel. |
| I was talking to my friend about how my depression works, pondering why my meds don’t fix it. “We’ve tinkered with just about everything,” I admitted. I have moments of joy, but there’s always this underlying depression, this dark currant that runs through me. I am constantly fatigued. I’m always drained. Doing the simplest tasks are impossible to me, like taking a shower, or taking out the trash. I use all my energy to make dinner that night, and feel wasted by the time I’m done. I always feel sad, alone, misunderstood, and am riddled with anxiety. Just a few weeks ago, I had a full blown panic attack without having any triggers, and I’m supposedly on medication to take care of that. It seems as though nothing is working. I don’t seem to have to worry about getting into a high state, because there are times energy will come to me, and I feel good, but there’s always that underlying currant of depression that tells me I’m not good enough, I’ll never be happy like this again, people are better off without me, and then, after a week of feeling energized and good, I’m back down in the trenches again. It sounds bipolar to me…but then again, what do I know of bipolar? Because to be very candid with you, I was only diagnosed that because I didn’t react to a certain ADHD medication. Yes, I’ve been carrying a bipolar diagnosis around this whole time, without actually getting a proper testing for it. It all started when I told my practitioner that I can be very hyper, easily distracted, my mind races a mile a minute, I talk fast, I don’t stay on task, or when I do, I never fully finish the task at hand. I have a very short attention span, which is why I don’t think I could ever take up something like knitting or needlepoint, and I’m dead terrible at editing my writing. I also find that I get overwhelmed easily, and shut down when it all becomes too much. Then I go into hiding, and then I spiral down to depression. (it always comes back to depression.) She said it sounded like I could be ADD, but she wanted to refer me to a therapist who could be sure. So I took her referral, contacted my insurance, and attempted to see who I could find. I found Bill, and to this day, I feel he is the best therapist I’ve ever had. He had me fill out a questionnaire, then he asked me a ton of questions, and tossed out different scenarios to see how I’d react. I told him how I was when I was small up until I went into high school-my friends and teachers always described me as spazzy, easily distracted, rambunctious, unable to keep on topic, and being random. (When depression doesn’t have firm grip on me, I am still very much these things. Have been all my life.) He then suggested that yes, I am ADD. I told my practitioner, who felt uneasy about giving me a prescription, but gave me one since I was diagnosed. Adderall became my godsend. Everything fell into place when I took it. My mind started functioning all together, as one giant set of cogs, none of them getting caught on something, or spinning out of place. I felt at ease, I could do things like wash dishes and vacuum the floor without getting overwhelmed. I was productive. Anxiety didn’t get in my way…I felt at peace. My thoughts could focus on one thing at a time, and do it with relative ease. That month that I had Adderall was probably the best month of my entire adult life. When that prescription ended, my practitioner suggested I go to a psychiatrist to get another prescription of it, as she felt it wasn’t her place. Again, I called my insurance and looked into places that had a psychiatrist that would take my insurance. I found a place, and decided to go there. I gave the psychiatrist my story, told her how well Adderall had worked for me, and that I would like to go back on it again. She refused. She told me that if I were truly ADD, that she would give me a week’s worth of Concerta, and if it calmed me the way that Adderall did, then I was truly ADD, and she would start prescribing me Concerta from then on out. I went home with the Concerta, and had a horrible time. All the medication did to me was exacerbate my ADD symptoms, making me a wreck and worse off than I was before. I came back to her after that week and told her what the findings were. As soon as she heard this, she told me “You’re not ADD, you’re bipolar.” And attempted to prescribe me Abilify, which I read up on and was terrified of taking. I stopped seeing her, and went to a new psychiatrist, who basically took on my case, and my diagnosis…without retesting me. He just went by her word that I was indeed bipolar. The same thing happened with the next two successive psychiatrists. Followed along with the bipolar diagnosis. When I told my friend of this, she was utterly shocked. “You know, some doctors only work for certain brands,” she explained. “They get payouts for prescribing certain things. I can’t believe she wouldn’t let you go back on Adderall, when it was proved that it did something for you.” And that’s when the thought came to me. What if she was wrong? What if all these psychiatrists have been wrong? What if I’m NOT bipolar, but just ADD and depressive and anxious? How would I even go about getting tested for that? And the biggest, most terrible thought came to me. What if, all this time, I’ve been taking meds for something I don’t even have? They haven’t had a chance to do studies on how taking anti-psychotics for long term effect you. I’ve been taking anti-psychotics for almost 8 years now. That’s a long time. Yes, it has helped some. I don’t get as riled up as I used to, and I’m not spazzy or hyper anymore. You know what I am? Always anxious and depressed. We’ve tried upping my anti-psychotic. We’ve tried upping my mood stabilizer. We’ve attempted to only allow my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant to go up just a bit. Nothing is working. I’m still depressed. I’m still lethargic. I’m still apathetic. I’m still highly anxious…even more so now than I ever was before. What’s wrong with me? Tuesday, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. It was originally to look into getting me on another anti-depressant, as mine does not seem to be working, but I’m thinking now, it may be about seeing if I really am bipolar after all. I hope, with all my heart, we get to the bottom of this, we find meds that work with me (I know that Adderall did, and I wish like hell I could go back on that), and I can lead a better, happier, more meaningful and fulfilling life. |
| Total breakthrough communication tonight between Don and I tonight. I was talking to him about how I felt more calm and at ease when he was home. Something about him being around me brings me peace. I also explained that if I needed a reprieve, I knew he had my back, and would field all questions and requests for me while I went upstairs and had a chill out session. "You could do that during the day too," he quipped. No, no I can't, I assured him. Journey will always be up there five minutes later to ask me if she can do something or have something or eat something. He explained that she asks because she wants to please me, and make sure she won't get into trouble. Wait, what?! I didn't teach her to be like that! At least, I don't think I did...I'm very outspoken and independent. Have been all my life, that's why my mother and I don't get along very well. Did I condition my daughter to bend backwards to please someone? God, I hope not. Otherwise, I've totally just screwed up my kid. So I decided to try a little discussion tonight and see where that gets us. I called her down from upstairs to come talk with me. "Hey you, how come you always ask me if you can do something or have something?" I asked her. She shrugged. "I don't know." "Is it because you're afraid of getting in trouble if you don't?" I niggled. "Yes," she confessed. I looked at her, straight in the face, and told her "As long as it's nothing that can hurt you or someone else, or put anyone in danger, you can do what makes you happy. You don't need to ask me if it's okay to color, or watch a video, or play with something. You don't need to ask if you can have a snack if you're hungry, or if you can have something to drink if you're thirsty. You're a big girl now, you're almost nine. Listen to what you need, and do what you need to do to get that need met. You can make your own choices and decisions now, because you're a big girl. I trust you to do this. I know you'll do what's right and what's best for you, okay?" She nodded, nearly in tears. "Do you think you can do that?" I asked her. "I'm not sure, " She answered, "It sounds hard." I thought for a moment. From the moment she went into school, she's been all about trying to please the authority figures, and trying to stay out of trouble, to be good and follow the rules and not get hurt. And while I'm glad that she likes to follow the rules, sometimes I worry that someone is going to take advantage of her because of it. Someone might assert their authority on her, and use it to their advantage and take advantage of her. I don't want that. I want her to grow to be a strong, independent, confident young woman. I want her to be able to say no, to walk away, to give her opinion and thought and not worry about what others say. I'm not saying for her to go crazy and be bossy like I am, but for her to stand up and take no shit from others. There's no way to please EVERYONE, so worry about pleasing yourself first, and then those that matter to you. But even then, you don't have to always please those that matter to you either. This kind of goes along with what I'm going through right now; I need to please myself and be happy with me before I can go and be happy for everyone else. While I need to replenish my stock, my daughter needs to learn to build her reserve, now at nine. "Tell you what," I said after careful consideration, "I will give you five 'Mama can I's for all of Thursday. That's all you get, just five. After that, you're not allowed to ask me for anything else." She stared at me in disbelief. "But....how do I know that I can?" She asked. "Do you need to ask me? Remember what I said, as long as it's not dangerous to you or others, you don't need to ask. You just can." "But Mama, that sounds really hard!" She exclaimed. "Well, let's try it, okay? It's time we get you out of your comfort zone, and allow you to express some freedom. You're a big girl now, you can do this. We'll try it out on Thursday, alright?" She nodded. Not ten minutes later, she came downstairs and said "Mama, I'm going to have an apple juice, okay?" I nodded and said "That's fine," I said. Then I heard her whisper "Yes!" So, it may seem like she just turned the question around a bit to make a statement question, but it's a start. We'll see what happens on Thursday, shall we? |
| You ever see the movie "Office Space"? The part where Peter goes to the hypnotist with his soon to be ex-girlfriend, and the hypnotist tries to hypnotize him, and ends up having a heart attack before he can close out the session while Peter is still in a trance? And you know how Peter is still in his "I-don't-give-a-fuck" mode after that? Yeah, I totally went there. I had a major breakdown. Always putting myself 2nd. Always doing for everyone for everything. Being trapped in this godforsaken house. LOSING MY MIND. (Okay, mostly losing my shit.) I just lost it. Who am I? How did I get here? Why am I stuck like this? So I broke it down to Don one night. He gets to go out and have fun on weekends sometimes. I get jack shit diddly nada. So I decided, from here on out, to keep my levels from going super mega depressed, I need the car at LEAST once a week, and I need at LEAST an hour of attention from Don every day. No Facebook, no Twitter, no kids. Nothing. Him and me. We can watch a movie, or go for a walk, or some shit. Anything that just gets me and him paying attention to one another. And then I broke down again and talked with a good friend, who is eerily able to point out the ways in which her life was very similar to mine a few years ago. She told me to take time out for myself, find stuff that I'm interested in, do something for ME. For awhile there, I floundered, scared and tethered to the spot of "What are my kids going to do without me?" I am going to take her advice. When I have the car, I'm going to go to the library, or I'm going to go window shopping, or I'm just going to get the fuck out of here. I NEED out. I need out bad. And as I was sitting here talking to her, it occurred to me. I never really got the chance to find out who I am, or what I'm about, before I ended up getting pregnant and getting married. Don and I didn't really get much couples time together. Don't get me wrong, we're super compatible, but we don't get much time together. It sucks. So, who am I? What am I about? I have no fucking clue. It's something I'd like to find out though. And then I came to the realization that my kids, my precious, adorable, fantastic, wonderful, loving, giving children....are life suckers. They have basically sucked the life force out of me. From the moment I got pregnant 13 years ago, my whole life thus far has been "Take care of (insert husband, child or pet)". EVERY GODDAMN DAY. Every day. And I try. I really try to be the best wife and mother I can be. Don't get me wrong, I would do ANYTHING for my kids. I'd take a bullet for them. I'd stand in front of a train for them. I'd jump off a cliff for them. But it can't ALWAYS be about them. It just can't. 12 years into this gig, and I FINALLY get it. It has to be about me sometimes. I know that sounds SUPER selfish, but I mean, fuckin' eh, I have to build myself up before I can take on them again, you know? I'm totally depleted. I'm wasted. I'm hallow. I need to build myself again from the inside out. So I'm going to start searching for myself. Do a new little bit of soul searching, and find out what I'm into. See if I can't get myself into something, and just let go. I'm sick of being mom. I'm sick of being GS leader. I just want some me time. I am truly fucking happy that we've cut meetings down from once every week to once every other week. Hallelujah. I don't think I could keep doing the every week thing anymore. So, I had this conversation with my friends today. It went a little something like this: Me: so, i've come to a realization.... Bestie #1: Wassat Me: Don and i didn't really get a chance to find ourselves or what we're interested and good at before i got pregnant and we got married... so i'm thinking, when the kids finally move out, we're getting the fuck outta here, and we'll go do shit we wanna do. i'm going to have an amazing midlife crisis Bestie #2: Lmao! That's awesome! Me:even if i wait till the little one is 21, i'll only be 46 when that happens i'll take up all kindsa fun crazy shit Bestie #1: Yes! Me: the kinda bummer about this though... i'm only 34. i have to wait 12 more years. and thank the gods i can't have anymore kids. i do NOT wanna do this shit again. i wanna see the light at the end of the tunnel, and run naked and free. Bestie #1: Wooo! Nekkid time! Me: exactly!! there's gotta be more to life than kids...and i'd like to find that out. And I would. I seriously would. I wanna know more about me. I wanna know what makes me happy. Sure, my kids make me happy, but I can't pin all my happiness on them. It's not healthy, and it doesn't work that way. I've spent 12 years putting in all my effort to raising my kids and making the best of what we have in life for them. They're growing up now, becoming more independent. It's time I find out more about me. So, I'm sitting here talking to my friends online (which is sadly the only way we can communicate. One's in FL, I'm in MD, one's in MN, one's in CO and one's in WA. Shitty.), and the kids. OMG, the kids. Driving me nuts. "What's that?!" you say? "Hark, are you...are you...sick of your own kids? Your perfect, adorable, sweet little cherubs?" Uhhhh, yeah. I know, TOTAL SHOCKER. Me. The one that throws EVERYTHING into mothering, the one that would do ANYTHING for her kids, the one that tries to make it all happen, the one who does everything, is finally sick of her kids. Don't get me wrong. My kids are AWESOME, okay? I know a lot of people whose kids are little assholes. It should TOTALLY, DEFINITELY be those moms that are sick of their kids. I mean, my kids are GREAT kids, how can I be sick of them? I DUNNO DUDE!! I JUST AM!!! I'm tired of them being here all day, needing me, or needing me to do something, anything, everything, for them. I'm sick of being asked "Mom, can I have this?" "Mama, is it okay if I.." I'm half tempted to just stand up and yell "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!! I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT OR DON'T DO IT!! IT DOESN'T MATTER!" I'm so tired. So so very tired. somewhat small(ish), younger people just...suck the life out of me. I've been giving and giving and giving until I can't give anymore. I'm like Peter now, I just don't give a shit. I don't. I wouldn't bat an eye if one of them set the house on fire. I'm so past the point of caring, it's phenomenal that I'm keeping them from starving, boredom and clean...ish. Meh, whatevs. For the first time EVER, like since I became a mother, I am actually looking forward to sending them off to school and having some alone time. I know, I know, I'm probably going to regret it and say "But I'm so lonely now!" Wah wah wah. I'll figure some shit out. Journal till my hands bleed. Need to find out more of what I'm all about. Only way to do that is try things, get out, and ramble a lot. That's how I used to find things out about myself. |
| So we were at Journey's friend Grace's house on Wednesday, swimming in their pool. Well, the kids swam, Melissa and I sat and talked. It was so nice to be out and talking and relaxing and having the kids playing and having fun. It's a real bummer that I don't have my own car, as I'm sure there would be more spontaneous play dates for us if I did. We were invited to stay for dinner, so we did. I'm extremely appreciative of that. Melissa is a fantastic person, and Grace is one of Journey's very best friends. They've known each other since they were in pre-k together. While they were swimming, Grace's little sister kept bringing out all the cats that they own so we could see them, and they were beautiful and adorable. Journey lamented that she wished Grace could see Dixon. "I don't see why not," I said. Honestly? Our house is as clean as it's been in awhile, and I really don't mind the fact that she would be coming in to a lot of clutter. Melissa's house is lived in as well, so I feel quite comfortable with having Grace here. (I would love for Ryan to have James over, but he might be a little weirded out by the clutter...) Anyway, I offered to have Grace come over some time soon, possibly this weekend. Grace and Journey were very excited about this prospect. Melissa also suggested that Journey could come spend the night at their house. Journey was very excited for that as well! We left afterwards, agreeing to call each other about it and discuss it in greater lengths. Today Melissa called and said she would like to have Journey come spend the night at their house tomorrow. I agreed with it, and we discussed time and events. They have plans tomorrow in the day, so when they come back from what they're doing, she'll give me a call and let me know when is best to drop Journey by. I let Journey know what was going on, and she danced around the room! So exciting! Her very first sleepover! So how am I, you ask. I'm pretty sure, if you read my old blog, you will remember a post about Ryan being around this age, going to his first sleepover event. I was a wreck that night. A total wreck. But, I made it through, and Ryan slept over that night, and he had a good time, and that's all that mattered. Nowadays, when his friend Rory calls, they usually take Ryan for the night as well, and we're great with it. It's always that initial time. This will be the first time I let my baby girl go. I've known Melissa and Grace for years-very personally. I knew the people that Ryan was staying with well, but not as well as I know Melissa and Grace. I trust them, with my whole heart trust them, to take care of Journey, keep her safe, and watch over her throughout the night. Other than Jen, or if Don's Aunt Gina was living here, there is NO ONE else I would trust to leave Journey overnight with. I am very protective of her, and always looking out for her and her best interests. I know her needs are a bit different than Ryan's, but I also know that she's become a lot more self reliant, and more able to handle tasks than she was, say a year ago. She will let them know if there's something she doesn't like, or want, or she's not comfortable with. I know that if I tell her she can call me any time she's there and I'll talk to her, she will if she needs to. She's getting more sure of her self, so I feel more comfortable letting her do this. I will miss her. I will miss her a lot. And I will wonder how she's doing. I will hope that she's being good, and be kind, and helping out and listening well. I will let everyone know that if there are any problems or hiccups, to just call, and I'll come. I must begin to let go though. Having gone through this with Ryan, I'm getting better about it with Journey. I still hold tightly to her sometimes, because she seems so much younger and smaller than Ryan was at this age, but I know that the only way to help her is to let her grow, and keep letting her try things on her own. I will ALWAYS be here for her, always. Just like I am with Ryan. In a way, Ryan has paved these roads for Journey, to make it easier on her route to growing up. I hope my sweet girl has a good time. I hope it's everything she's dreamed it would be. I'll be a little wistful dropping her off, but I can't wait to see her the next day and hear all the wonderful things she got to see and do while she was there. |
| Thankfully, the school websites have been updated. I now have more of an idea of what we're going into. We don't know Ryan's full schedule yet, or who his teachers are, or if he got into accelerated classes again or not, but I do know that we don't have to go to open house until 9:30 am (which certainly beats the 8 am that we had to be there last year), and that Ryan will have a normal eating schedule where he can eat lunch at noon instead of 10:30 in the morning. It seems to me that 6th grade gets the short end of the middle school stick. Glad we're past that and moving on...although in 2 years we'll be back in that boat again. Let's focus on now though instead of two years from now. ANYWHO... Saw on the elementary school website that since we're down to about 550 students, we're also down to 20 teachers. Only two grades have 4 teachers each in them. In 4th grade, there are only three teachers-two veterans, and one that's been there for the last two years. When I wrote to the principal to request a specific type of teacher, I asked for a seasoned teacher that knew the ins and outs of IEPs well, and communicated with me consistently. Seeing as there are only three teachers, I think I know who Journey might have gotten. We'll see when we can get into HAC again. Same for Ryan. So far, Journey has 8 guests coming to her birthday party. That's far less than the 15 I paid for, but who knows who's going to show up without RSVPing. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. If more end up showing up, we'll pay for them at that time. I already got one "no", which is totally understandable, and I'm fine with. Being told a straight answer is better than guessing if people are going to show up or not without any notification of any kind. Looking to going back to my psychiatrist and possibly getting a new antidepressant. The one I'm on currently seems to be no longer working. I have an underlying depression issue, which seems to be causing me a lot of fatigue, and has stopped helping me with my anxiety. Friday, I was driving to pick up Don from work because I had the car that day, and as I was driving on the road that takes us there, I had a full blown panic attack. It was terrible. I held on to drive as best I could, but by the time I made it to pick up Don, I bolted out of the car and ran to the bathroom inside his work to try and get a grip on the panic attack. Unfortunately, that didn't work. I sat in the passenger seat, attempting to breathe through a clinched stomach, trembling, a stiff jaw, a golf ball in my throat making it impossible to swallow, heart palpitations, and rapid breathing. It took me a few to calm down and move past the panic attack, and when I did, I felt wrung out, like a dish rag, and limp. To this day, I still don't know what triggered it. I've gone over the scenario a million times in my head, and it seems like nothing was out of the ordinary. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't nervous, I wasn't anxious, I wasn't tired, I wasn't scared...it just suddenly jumped out at me. I'm kind of worried that it will happen again, and this time, I won't be able to do anything during it. I don't want to become incapacitated, so hopefully we can switch me out prescriptions to get me on something better that's actually going to help me. |
| I've been attempting to talk to all my parents about moving the meetings to another day, time and frequency. The two moms that offered to help with the second adult thing are helped me decide that it would be easier to hold meetings every other Friday from 6-7:30 pm. Wednesdays after school are no longer feasible. The good part is, one of the moms I thought would be unable to do this, actually agrees with it and is willing to try it. So right now, I have four out of seven. I just need to let the other three families know, and we'll get this ball rolling. I know that it might be possible that some of them are not happy with this, but this is the way we have to go now, since no one will really be available to do Wednesdays after school. We are now starting to rack in the play dates! Starting today, Journey's going to be seeing her very best friend, then Wednesday we're going over to swim at another friends' place, Thursday Ryan is going over James' house, and Friday Journey has a play date with one of her good friends that will be going to a different school this coming year. I guess everyone just gets busy those first few weeks, or goes out and visits somewhere. People are starting to get back in town now, so they're able to meet up again. Sent out Journey's birthday party invitation. So far, only got confirmation for 7 kids. I paid for 15. I was going to pay for more if need be, but I've only had 5 RSVPs. The cool thing is, I can see who's seen the invitation, and I know who's said yes, and who's just been viewing. So far, all but four invites have been seen. I sent it out a month early, just in case, but hopefully we'll hear back from some folks before the day of the party. It never hurts to have it out there early and let everyone know. Other than that, not much else going on. Next week is hopefully a busy week; we'll see how it goes. |
| Back on my old blog, I wrote an entry called "Out with the old, in with who knows", in which I lamented how fast kids grow. It was a very poignant piece in my opinion; one of my very best entries in that blog. I'm not here to outdo that piece by any means, but I do want to share some things that made me realize how fast time is moving. So, I read an article about how through the span of childhood, there are numerous firsts, but also numerous lasts. It really got me to thinking. The last time Ryan was in a toddler bed to the first time he moved into his room with his big bed....that was 7 years ago. Just like that, he's been in that room for 7 years now. Journey's been in her room for 7 years now. She was switched from a toddler bed to a big bed almost 4 years ago. And the saying holds true; the days are long, but the years are short. Time tends to blend in from one day to the next; when breaks are here, I'm caught unaware of what day it is, and what I need to do within that day. Sometimes it feels like that day is never going to end. And sometimes, the week rushes by, and the next thing I know, it's time to go back to school. Or it's Halloween. Or it's Thanksgiving. Christmas is here. New Years sneaked up on us. And then it starts all over again. The calendar changes so fast, and it's just a mess of days, weeks and months, all blending in and flying by. Every day I look at Ryan these days, it seems I see a growing young man, no longer the traces of toddler and childhood, but the signs of a teenaged boy, growing older and more mature by the day. He shot up 4 inches last summer, and another 2 so far this summer. He's almost the same height as me. His face is longer, his voice is changing, his body is growing. He eats more now. He sleeps more now. His feet grew two sizes. I look at his face, and I no longer see the sweet little 6 year old that started 1st grade so excitedly, but a growing young man, who will soon be reaching new heights, both figuratively and literally. I want to cry. I want to cry for all the losses I have, all the lasts that Ryan and I had, that I seemed not to realize were going to be lasts. But there are also new firsts. The first time I teach him how to cook a grilled cheese sandwich on the stove. The first time I show him how to load a washing machine to do his own laundry. Those are now the firsts we look forward to. I took him upstairs the other day so we could discuss Christmas. I told him how, by next month, I'll be starting Christmas shopping, as I do every year. He asked why I started so early, so I explained it to him. Now that he knows these things, he's more privy to the information of how things run in the house. It's then that I got teary eyed. "Ryan, I'm sorry that your childhood is over. I'm sorry that I couldn't make it last longer. But now that we're at this stage, it's time that I teach you to be independent. I hope you had a wonderful childhood. I hope you have lots of fond memories. I hope it was magical, and I hope you look back on it with lots of smiles, happiness, and enjoyment. Now it's time I teach you how to do for yourself, because soon, you're going to move away, and you'll need to know how to do these things. I must teach you before you leave. That's what the teenage years are all about." I explained. He nodded. Journey will be 9 in 31 days. in about a month and a year, I will have a double digits daughter. I know I need to live in the now, and I need to embrace all that's happening right now, which is what I'm trying to do best right now. But I know that the time is going to fly by, and the next thing I know, it's August 2016, and my beautiful daughter will be turning 10. Journey only has this coming year and next year to be in elementary school. Ryan only has this year and next year to be in middle school. The thought of having a high schooler absolutely terrifies me, but we're going to be there soon. As my kids grow and age, I watch all the last traces of infanthood, toddlerhood, childhood, just melt away. Journey's been vocal with language now for 2 years. Not for an instance do I take this time for granted. I'm thrilled we're in this phase now, and though I miss the times when they were little, I'm also grateful to be where we are now, in this moment. They're independent, but they still look to me to help them. Soon, they'll be doing for themselves, and I'll long for the days when I could do it for them. They call times like these, the sweet spot. They're just old enough to do many normal things themselves (brush their teeth, take a shower, put on clothes, put on shoes, make their beds, clean up their messes, get a snack, use the microwave, make their own breakfast, etc.), but still young enough that your opinion matters, and they still look for your guidance This makes my mom heart swell with pride and joy. I don't know when this time will end; I don't know when it will become a last time, so I cherish every moment we have in this sweet spot. As much as I miss when they were small, I look forward to this time, and I look forward to the years ahead. There's no way to stop them from coming, so I might as well try to enjoy them as they come. |
| Found out I'm losing one of my 8 girls. I'm saddened by it, but there's nothing I can do about it. Her mom and I tried to make arrangements about it back at the bridging ceremony, but she just decided a few days ago that she didn't want to do it. Not much I can say or do at this point, but be disappointed and sad. We'll carry on with 7 girls though; that's all we can do. At least now I can turn in some of these already bought badges and get different ones instead. Dixon has been avoiding me of late, and I'm not sure why. I go to pet him, and he runs away. I'm the only one he's doing this to. I don't know if I've offended him somehow, or if he just doesn't like me, or if he's just being a flippant cat. All cats are different, and he's acting different than any other cat I've had in my lifetime, and I had 3 other cats. One hated me, and the other two couldn't get enough of me. I guess Dixon's just a finicky creature. It does kind of hurt my feelings, because I do all kinds of things for this cat, and he doesn't even seem to want me to pet him. Don says not to take it personally, but when you're me, you don't know how to take anything BUT personally. Getting Ryan his all new school supplies seems to have gotten him excited for the prospect of school. I remember when I was school aged and used to think the same thing. He wants desperately for his summer break to continue, but at the same time he wants school to start again to use his new school supplies. "What have you done to me?!" he laments jokingly. In some ways, he is my kid. Most other ways, he's Don's. It's nice to see the parts of me shine through sometimes. Journey is very much my child-she even copies phrases I say! She picked up my phrase "I'm half tempted to ask for...", which Don almost found maddening. I just laughed. She certainly is my mini me! Ryan has completed his homework, thank goodness. I'm considering letting him write it out in Word, and have Don print it out, but I don't know if that's necessary. Now I'd like him to keep practicing on IXL, and practicing his clarinet. We're going to try and get him the new clarinet book from the music store (if we can remember which book it is), and I have a few other things to purchase, like dress shoes for him, so this check has many dividers in it as well. It's not a problem though; we're getting everything taken care of, and that's all that matters. Ryan's been invited to Jen's daughter's birthday party...hopefully we can afford to go. I can't afford to get her the Justice card I was going to get her for her birthday until Friday, so she may have to get it in the mail instead of at her party if we can afford to go. Either that or we can take out a $20 and just give that to her. I'll see what I can do. |
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