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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Journey returned from camp a week ago, and you can color me shocked when she opened up about everything that happened there and told us story after story. PS, she was also NOT on her medicine at the time. It seems as though Journey has turned a corner, and is starting to catch up in speech. I find it utterly amazing and thrilling how well she expresses herself now. All our work is showing signs of paying off. We will continue to work so that we can continue to help Journey become the independent young woman she needs to be. All in all though, this summer has been quite a pleasant surprise with her. Just today, we started taking her new medicine, and she told me right away "Mama, it's working, I can tell. My thoughts aren't chasing each other anymore" oh my god, I could've cried when she said that. I have never heard her explain something so succinctly before. I am very much looking forward to our future, with a spark of hope that things will continue on this trajectory. We are currently in the middle of cleaning for the mother of all inspections. This will determine if we have a place to live or not. You better believe I've busted tail on this place, trying to make it as good as possible. Everyone is pitching in, which I'm grateful about, and we're getting things taken care of. Hopefully by Monday, the verdict will be in, and I can either breathe a sigh of relief, or start trying to draw up plans. I am attempting to hold off on a whole host of things until we get word of pass or fail, so we don't have to drag too much with us, or we don't have to spend money we don't have. It has been stressing me out really bad, but, I'm attempting to breathe through it, and I'm continuing to bust tail to keep up. I have pretty much barked at everyone to keep everything clean clean clean from here on out. Not just in attempts to pass on Monday, but to also never allow it to get to this point again. I have decided that from here on out, we will clean up every Sunday. That means cleaning the oven and the stove, swiffering the kitchen and bathroom floor, washing the tub and the sink and counters. Catching up on any extra dishes. Making sure there are no excess papers/wrappers/soda cans, etc. all over the place. All rooms cleaned, and everything put in it's place. If any other inspection from the higher ups or whatever ever comes into play again, we will be ready, and the house will look better than it has before. I never want to go through this again. I never want to live in fear of if we'll continue to have a roof over our heads or not, ever again. other than that, not much else going on. Journey's getting excited for her birthday party, her birthday, and school. This is the first year I've actually bought all the extra things they ask for, like disinfecting wipes, tissues, copy paper, zip top bags, etc. I can't really guarantee that this will happen again next year, especially when I'm having to shop for school supplies from a store for BOTH of them next year (so long school supply kits from elementary school, you'll be missed  ). I hope Journey has a really good year. We found out that her speech pathologist that's been with her since kindergarten isn't there anymore, and she was upset, but she seemed to understand that moving is just part of the job. I think it helped her realize this when she found out that our principal and the school counselor transferred out as well. I've messaged her speech pathologist to see if we can continue to keep in touch and meet up every once in awhile, which she was very pleased to agree with. I'm so glad that we can do that. Also in good news, both her special ed teachers and special ed aides are still at the school, which should make her feel a lot better. I'm not sure which special ed teacher is going to be with her this year (it could be her teacher from last year, which was also her pre-k and kindergarten teacher, or it could be the one that had her from 1st to 3rd grade...either one is fine though. We've had both, and they're both fantastic!), but I think she'll be okay either way. She is very much looking forward to her 5th grade year!I've been holding Bronze Award meetings with my Girl Scout girls that are working to earn the award (the Bronze Award is the highest achievement you can earn as a Girl Scout Junior, and leads you on the path to earning your Silver at Cadette, and your Gold at Senior or Ambassador. Sometimes, we get off topic at the meeting about so much what we're doing with our Bronze project, to more intimate things like moving onto Cadettes, what this year holds, what next year holds, the transition into middle school, etc. Many of my girls are hesitant to take their steps into middle school, so we talked about it. I gave them advice on how the schedules work, and about things like dressing out for gym, how all the grades stick with just each other, things like that. They had many questions, and I answered them as best I could. I want to be there and be a sounding board for the girls as they continue to grow. I know we may lose some along the way, but I am here for any and all girls that continue with our troop. I will always be and ear and a shoulder for them. I will do what I can to help get them where they need to be as they continue to grow. The only experience I've had with girls going through puberty is when I was one going through puberty, and I had to deal with the other girls my age going through it too. Hopefully we can navigate these waters as best as possible for all parties involved. So now, we wait for the future. The immediate future, the upcoming future, and the future waiting to happen as we continue our journey. |
| Hoo mama, we're gonna have a fun teenager on our hands with Journ, I tell ya. Puberty is beginning for my sweet little dolly face, who is growing a little more tough, and a lot less little. This girl has some emotions on her. OMG. Never thought I'd see the day. She is shocking and surprising the hell out of me every day for the last 3 months. This is a child I have never seen before from her-and strangely, it looks a SHIT TON like me. She has started to both come out of her shell, and start believing in herself. This both surprises and thrills me. When she was a baby, she showed shades of this; by the time she hit 3 though, she was very withdrawn, and small. She didn't say much, and mostly agreed with everything, and went with the flow. For a child on the spectrum, I had never seen one adapt to change without totally unhinging. I myself don't adapt to change without totally unhinging. But, I am an extremely emotional person. That being said, it was as if Journey was locked in a cocoon. We would get brief glimpses, and, I guess, I just thought she was always going to be that calm, demure child. Then one day, the real Journey emerged, and Mama said "WHAAAA??' Believe me when I say, I am TOTALLY proud of my daughter, and it's NOT just because she reminds me of me. Oh, and let me also say, Girl Scouts has done her a WORLD of good. (I guess I sorta have to take credit for this though, because I'm the leader, so....) She is becoming brave. She is trying. She wants the opportunities. She wants to prove her mettle. She wants to cast aside the aids, and truly break out. I didn't even know this was in her. I was of the belief that she was just a calm, demure child. I thought wrong. Way wrong. She is forged of me. I thought that she had more of Don's personality, with what she showed when she was 3 on up. When she was a baby, she was a feisty little thing, a tough cookie, a survivor. It seemed like that disappeared once she hit 2 and a half. It's almost as if she hit reverse, and she hid. I wondered what happened to make that change, and then I found out she was autistic, and it made sense. She reverted. I don't know why that tends to happen with autistic kids, but she did. By the time she was 3, she was presenting like a 2 year old. When she was a 2 year old, she was presenting like a 3 year old. See what I mean? What I thought were matching characteristics of her and I were gone. I didn't grieve over it, I just simply let it wash away, and continued on to find the best things to help her. But as she's coming up to ten, it is apparent-she is, straightforward, my daughter. A smaller, younger, and (hopefully!) a little more well adjusted me. How about that! The first time I realized this, is when she said she wanted to go to the Elms overnight field trip on her own. No chaperones. I was kind of taken aback-she's never done ANYTHING without me there. She has always been my "Velcro Baby" as our family friend Katie puts it. She stood up. She put her foot down. She said "I want to go alone". Alrighty then girlfriend, let's pack you up and send you out! And I did. And she did. And she did AMAZINGLY. Seriously, the stories I heard from the other parents that chaperoned (Girl Scout moms of mine-which is one of the reasons I didn't flip out, I knew she was in good hands with people that have known her since she was in kindergarten) and her teacher just blew me away. I was bursting with pride, and I cried at the stories I heard. I couldn't believe how amazingly she handled herself and situations that would normally scare her or upset her. That was her precursor to camp this year, which we'll be dropping her off at for a week tomorrow. All of our family is so scared for her, and afraid of what will happen to her. Me? I KNOW she's got this. She proved it to me already when she went to the overnight field trip. And, even though last entry I lamented how I have robbed her of her independence, she pointed it out to me that she never really thought about asking until just recently. "I guess I wasn't ready till now Mama," she told me sagely. *Sniffle.* My daughter is growing up. She's beginning to leave childhood behind. She and I attempt to out-surprise one another. Examples, I'll offer her an actual kitchen knife to cut her own food. She'll do her own laundry for camp. I give her more opportunities to help with dinner. She takes her own shower. (I still sit in there to remind her of all the steps...though I doubt she needs reminding. I think she just likes to have me in there for company though.) She will attempt to brush her own hair, and put it back in a ponytail. Skills I never really thought of giving her a chance on (which is my own fault, but again, she said she wasn't ready yet either), she proves to me she can do her very best. My heart is BURSTING with pride for her. She is becoming more independent. She's seeking out more opportunities. She's becoming a leader. She speaks out now. She raises her hand. She uses her voice. She is strong, and she won't back down. These are all skills I've possessed since I was a tiny tot. As my family can attest to you, Jamie is synonymous with "Bossy Mama". My mother had FITS with me, because in MY mind, no one told me what to do but ME. I took calculated risks, I weighed the options. I listened with my head and my heart. Yes, sometimes I made mistakes, but I learned from them, I grew from them. I will still make mistakes until the day I die-that's what defines being human. But, if you learn from those mistakes, you GROW. Journey is taking chances. She wants to GROW. I could not be any more proud of her if I tried. Her personality is starting to flesh out. She's showing much more emotions lately than she ever has before. For some reason, I always believed she was more bottled up (I mean, she is still in a way....she holds in things and only tells certain people....but, that is also a characteristic I possess.), but that seems to not be the case. We have actually seen her become frustrated, annoyed, upset, ecstatic...things we don't usually see from her. It's as though a faucet has just been turned on, the tap of her emotions. (This is mostly why I believe she's starting on her puberty journey right now, because of how emotional she's been lately) I haven't seen her get worked up about something and say something about it that matches the scenario EVER!! Let me give you an example. Journey was playing Paper Mario on the Wii U this afternoon, and she loves to take pieces of food that she buys from the store to the Grandma Toad, who then makes it into a food for her. She loves loves loves having Grandma Toad make different foods. Ryan decided to put his two cents in and let her know that some of the things she's purchasing to make food are actually things she can use against her enemies, and how she shouldn't waste money like that. She got SUPER annoyed with him, tossed the controller aside, and went and hid in her sleeping bag. Ryan got up to go to the bathroom, and Journey hollered out "UGH! I can't wait till I get dropped off at camp tomorrow!" I was so shocked that those words actually came out of my daughters mouth that I cried out an incredulous "Journey!' She quickly apologized and hid in her sleeping bag. I told her it was okay though, she had a right to be frustrated. She gave me a grin, and went back to her sleeping bag. I mean, WOW. Who would've thought, my sweet girl, who has ALWAYS idolized her big brother and hung on his every word, would get so frustrated and annoyed with him putting his two cents in and being a know it all, that she would say something like that! Shocked the hell outta me! My kids are now at the age of understanding that even though they love each other, they don't always have to agree with each other. Puberty is sure to be a fun time in the house now.  So, I guess this is it right now. I have met someone new, who's not really new, but is. (Does that make any sense?) I cannot wait to continue on this (ugh, for lack of a better word) journey, with Journey. I have a feeling many more interesting days are ahead.... |
| Just last week, I began giving Journey a knife (not a butter knife, but an actual kitchen knife) to cut her own meat at dinner time. As proud of an accomplishment as that is, the fact that I JUST NOW, when she's 2 months shy of being 10, decided to do that for her, says a lot. Not a lot of good things about me, so I feel anyway. Parenting the two can be similar sometimes, but also be drastically different. Ryan hands me the tools; I basically just supply him with the leeway. Right now, we have a good trust system going on, which I hope neither of us abuses as he gets older. He has always shown he is capable, and willing. He just basically needed my permission and for me to let go, and let him keep moving forward. Like I said yesterday, he's a great kid. Got a good head on his shoulders, and a very good heart. I trust him when he says he's got this. I'm always waiting in the background just in case though. Journey is a whole other animal though. In a way, I'm to blame, because I've made it the way it is for the most part. She's very unsure of herself, and her steps. It's not because I second guess her, it's more because I haven't really given her the opportunity to make those decisions. I always choose the path, and then give her options A-C to pick. Well, that might have worked when she was smaller, but it's doing a great disservice to her now. For that, I am truly sorry. There are two reasons why Journey has been coddled so much. #1 is because she is the baby of the family. Because she's the youngest, and also the smallest statured in the house, we tend to look at her as smaller, younger. Part of this, I believe, is because we don't want to let go yet. We want her to stay little, and not grow up just yet. Part of it is also because she's always been complacent with how things are, and has never really said one way or the other how she'd prefer it. I guess though, because she didn't speak up, we never really asked. Faulty thinking on my part. Ryan has always been forthcoming and up front; Journey sits back and thinks on it a bit. Also, because she's unsure of herself, and she's insecure, she wants to please everyone else with her answer. She doesn't want to make a mistake, she doesn't want to fail. She wants things perfect, and sadly, sometimes they can't be. This, again, is partly my fault, because I feel like, in order for her to make those kind of thoughts reality, she needed me to set things up so she could knock it out of the park. I never allowed her to set it up herself and try. I've failed my daughter. But I digress...#2 is because of her autism. She presents younger because of the developmental disability itself. She's not quite as mature as her neurotypical counterparts. The biggest problem with this, however, is that NOW she's aware of that, and she knows. And it literally breaks my heart . Journey is a very interesting case. There is so much she hides from everyone, including me. She wants to put on this face that everything is fine and she's okay, and everything is just great....when in reality, she's falling apart. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to get her to open up to me, and talk to me, so I can help her through this. So, in a way, she's shutting me out, trying to do this herself. This, however is not one of those things that I want her to work on all on her own. I mean, cutting meat for dinner by herself, yeah, I should've let her do that ages ago. She never asked for the knife, and I never thought to ask her, but when I broke one out and said "Here Journ, you can cut your own meat now", the look on her face was like I had just given her the keys to her very own house, and I almost cried. That, that is what I've stolen from her all this time that I've been coddling her. I stole her chance to gain independence, and grow. She never asked, and I never asked her, so we just complacently went through things the way they had been going for a long time. I am now reaping what I sowed, and for that, I am so truly sorry. Just last year, in 4th grade, she realized that her special ed teacher and her aide were there for HER, and only occasionally helped out the other kids. She became aware that she was in special ed. She became aware that most of the kids in her class are not. I didn't necessarily hide this information from her, but I also didn't present it to her outright. I told her that her special ed teachers were there to help her, and that her speech pathologist was working to help her talk about her feelings more, but I never was blunt and said "You're in special education. Most of the other kids in your class are not." I didn't want to do that to her. In the end though, she found out on her own, and she hates it. She hates that she's one of the only kids in the class that needs extra help. She hates that she struggles, and requires the extra help. She hates having to need the help in the first place. I had to find this out from her speech pathologist, who invited her to lunch just to talk. Whenever her speech pathologist went in to do speech with her and some peers, Journey would clam up and not talk at all. She wanted her speech pathologist to leave, and let her try on her own. In a sense, she wants to be independent, but at the same time, she doesn't know how, because we've never really let her try. So now, it is up to me to let her try. I've been holding her back too long now. It's time I let her grow. I will always be here for her. Always. I will go with her, side by side at first, and then as she continues on, I'll let her go ahead, and I'll stay back a little farther behind...just in case. |
| Hopefully this shows up.... Anywho. Hi. Yeah, haven't been here since May. Part of it is just not caring, the other part is...well, I would say nothing to talk about, but that's a total lie. It's mostly not caring. Okay, it's ALL not caring. I just don't give a crap. I should though. Whatevs Bob. I'm here now, so I can type it all out, and I know it's here if I ever come back. I should, I really should. I never used to be this bad...but I digress. Sooo, lots of things have happened. My son has become a teenager. My dad came for a visit. Journey's going to sleep away Girl Scout camp. Wow, the bluntness of this all kinda has me wanting to leave it at that. Once upon a time I was a story teller. I guess I just don't want to type all this out anymore. I dunno. Maybe waxing poetic isn't my thing anymore...lemme try though... Okay, so Ryan turned 13 in June. It's funny, because when he was first born, I told my parents (mostly joking) that I would raise him until he was 11, and then he would their "problem". Well, two years have passed, and I am now officially the mother of a teenager. I love this kid something fierce. All joking aside, I wouldn't send him anywhere-he's the best! Everyone has told me since he was 10 and has kept telling me still "Just wait till he gets older. Just wait till puberty hits. Just wait for the teenage hormones", and both he and I are like, seriously?! We've been going through puberty for three years now. (Still going through it! HOLY CRAP can this kid grow fast!) He's a fantastic kid, has a great head on his shoulders. I'm quite proud of him. He does not sass (I'm hoping he never does), he's very respectful to Don and I, and he's a very good kid with a very good heart .I love him to pieces. I wouldn't trade him for anything! This is all new territory for us though-I've never even helped raise a kid to this stage before, so I don't even know what to expect. I was lamenting on Facebook about how, when you're a new mother, everyone is there with tons of advice and suggestions, and you're just inundated with it, but when they become teenagers, and you have millions of questions, no one's around. Everyone says babies are expensive...they lied. They TOTALLY lied. I get it, diapers and formula cost a lot...but you know what else costs a lot? Trying to outfit a growing kid in puberty with clothes that actually fit. He went from a men's size small in 3 months to a men's size medium, and then he was in a size medium for about a month before he went to a men's size large. Fun fact: adult clothes are EXPENSIVE. Which is why I rarely buy any for myself! Also, shoes. OMG, shoes. He went from a size 5.5 to an 8 in a span of 7 months. We've gone through three pairs of shoes already. We will be purchasing pair #4 on Friday. God only knows if they'll fit him by the time school starts. *prays* No one warned me about this though. No one told me "yeah, once they hit puberty, they'll start outgrowing clothes in a matter of weeks to months. Buy them very little at this time, because they'll end up outgrowing it in no time." No one told me to buy very little shoes because they'll wear them for three weeks and then need a new pair. No one warned me how much they eat. OMG. We used to be able to swing going out to dinner every once in awhile, before Ryan turned 12. Then he started ordering off the adult menu. It costs A LOT more to order 3 adult meals and 1 kids meal than it does to get 2 adult and 2 kid meals. No one warned me about that though. No one warned me just how much they can sleep! Ryan, always my early bird, has been sleeping in this summer till 11:30 am. SERIOUSLY. I never thought I'd see the day! And showers!! Showers all the time! I swear to you, when he was 11, 12, we had to literally drag him in there and toss him in the shower. Now, he showers on a constant basis. I don't know why. And he takes FOREVER. Must be a teen thing, because when I asked about this to all my friends that have teens, they confirmed this to be true for them too. He's taller than me now. I knew it was only a matter of time; I'm super short. I can't imagine how much bigger he's going to be in the next 3 years...good lord. We'll see though. All of this info would've been fabulous to have been armed with when he hit 12, so...if there's anyone out there that wonders what it's like to be going through puberty with a kid, read this. Here's some advice for you. I can tell Journey's growing right now too-she's eating everything in sight. They say 5th grade is around the time when girls start stretching out and getting taller than their boy counterparts. I saw it play out that way for the most part when Ryan was in 5th grade; I wonder how true it will be with Journey. To be truthful, I'm not sure which way she'll go-Don's side of the family has some very short statured people, like his aunt who is 4'10, and his cousin, who is the same size...but his mom was also around 5'4. 5'5, which is much taller than me. She's got Don's build, and Don was a lanky guy when he was a teenager. She could stay little, or she could grow willowy, I'm not sure. Guess we'll be finding out for the next 4 years, or even longer. On a similar topic, this is the year that I will cry myself stupid. Both kids are "graduating" from their schools in June. Journey will be promoted from 5th grade and elementary school life to middle school. Ryan will be promoted from 8th grade and middle school life to high school. OMG, I'm going to have a high schooler and a middle schooler. I can remember the days when I had a newborn and a 3 year old. It's documented, right here. For the last almost 10 and a half years, I've been blogging and documenting my life as a mother. Crazy shit right there. But, as one of the last entries I wrote in here, nostalgia has it's place. You can look back for a little bit, but you've gotta keep moving forward. Future's too uncertain, too many variables. Past has already happened, can't fix or change it. Live in the present, and keep moving forward. (In a sense, I look at this as "survival mode". I've been in it for a long time now. Not sure if it's because that's what motherhood does to you, or if it's because that's when I finally realized I was an adult, or what the case is. But yeah, there it is in a nutshell.) And now for other topics. My dad came out in June to visit, and we had a really great time. He fell in love with Dixon (but who doesn't? He's so stinking adorable!! Like, seriously, you guys have totally missed out [because of me, I know!] the newfound love affair I have with my cat. We had to get more acquainted when we first started this journey, but now, he is very affectionate to me, and I love him to bitty pieces. Best cat I ever had.), and likewise, Dixon fell in love with him. Dixon is of the belief that, if you walk in the door, that means you're a friend. But first, he has to vigorously sniff you to make sure you're good. We were all so happy to have my dad here. I missed him a lot, and I love him dearly. It was so good to spend time with him. We didn't get to do too much, but I'm glad for the time we had with him. I'm looking forward to maybe buying him another ticket out here next year if he'd like to come back and he has the time. My Junior troop is growing and changing. I have 12 girls right now (which is actually what I asked our interim membership specialist to cap my total off to), and only one of them is new. 11 of my 14 from last year are continuing again. Juniors is usually around the time where the social aspect of it starts to quiet down, and more serious matters start taking place. I have 3 girls that are currently working on a journey so they can start working towards the Bronze Award once they complete the journey. I have 7 girls who are currently invested with hours accrued towards the Bronze Award. We've been meeting throughout the summer so far to try and figure out what our project is going to be, and how we're going to implement and fund it. We're still in the works of things right now. I've scheduled the meetings to be 2 hours each, because when the girls get together, they talk a lot, and they get side tracked easily. I have to constantly get them back on the rails (reminding them of what they just said, asking them if they remember the question they just asked, asking their opinion, etc.) I have decided to take what the girls refer to as "The Shusher" with me, so we can keep things on topic better. (The other thing I have that they renamed is the pick sticks with their names on them, or as they like to refer to them as "The Sticks of Doom". If I haven't told you lately, my girls are HILARIOUS! The 7 that are currently accruing hours for the Bronze are currently my longest tenured girls [sans one], and, when I sit with them and we talk about the Bronze and all that we're doing and going to do, I know, in my heart, that these 7 girls are FOR SURE my next year's Cadette crew. Don't yet know about the other 4 I have, but I know for sure these 7 are with me. They're going to make amazing Cadettes too!) Other than that, not much else going on. Last year, I was going crazy having the kids home with me all day. I don't know why I was so upset and unhinged about it. This year, we're all good. It's smooth, like gravy (at least MY gravy anyway, no lumps!), and we're having a great time. I will miss when they're back in school, but it will be welcome to have some alone time again. |
| I have done myself a great disservice by not coming in here and blogging when important things happen. Now I have to catch everyone up and try to remember these things. Back in November, Ryan was selected to play in the Tri-County Honor Band. This blows All County out of the water. This means, out of Charles, St.Mary's and Calvert counties, he was one of the BEST 7th graders playing, and he was chosen for that honor band. He was the ONLY 7th grader out of his ENTIRE SCHOOL that made it. There are no words to describe just how amazing this is, and how proud of him I am. He started playing the clarinet in 4th grade, just as something to do to spend time with his once then friend. He's become PHENOMENAL at it now. The funny thing is, he has NEVER needed lessons to play. He just picked it up and ran with it. I cannot believe how much talent this kid has flowing out of him. He's amazing. He's had two solos in his school band concerts this year; one for "Final Countdown", and one for "Domino". It makes my heart BURST every time he stands up for an ovation when he plays the solo. I don't think it could be put into words how proud of him I am. I mean, I'm proud of him for being him too, and for getting good grades, and for being a great kid, but this music business is BIG stuff, so I'm super extra proud of that too! The same night Ryan had his final school band concert for the year, Journey went, without Don and me, to an overnight field trip to our school's environmental center, which is on part of a beach. When talk of this field trip first came up, I asked her if she wanted me or Don to go with her. She said, if possible, she'd like to go by herself. This was big news, as she doesn't really care to do things by herself (or, at least she didn't at that time), and would prefer that one of us stay with her. Straight out of the water, she said she wanted to go alone, with just her friends and her teacher and some chaperones. I knew it was a safe environment, and I knew she'd be looked after, so I was okay with it. I also signed her up for a week at sleep away Girl Scout camp this year. I've been offering to do it for years now. I signed her up for day camp a few years back, but she never really wanted to return. I thought, since she didn't really care for day camp, and the thought of being away from home without us would upset her, that she wouldn't want to try the sleep away camp. This year, I offered it, and she decided to go for it. The overnight field trip was our test to see how she would do without us being there. I am pleasantly surprised to say, my daughter is SO brave. I was told by another parent who was chaperoning how the kids and adults were doing a night walk around the area, and how they were asked not to use flashlights. Journey is terrified of the dark, but with her friends, she braved it and walked around and did what the activity asked. She was brave enough to go by herself on this field trip, and partake in every activity they had. That's true bravery. I cannot be more proud of her for accomplishing this. She really went out of her comfort zone and did something new. Hopefully, this is a pre-cursor to how she's going to do at sleep away Girl Scout camp this summer. Other than that, not much else to report. I need to remember to come in here and update about happenings more often. |
| So, I read this article on a mommy blog site that talked about how upcoming graduating seniors are getting to walk the halls of their former elementary and middle schools, donned in cap and gown, before they graduate. I sobbed for awhile about how great of an idea it is, and just how sentimental it would all be. I then imagined it happening for each of my children, and I got a big kick of nostalgia, right in the face. Let me put this out to you. Some people are CRAZY about babies. Like, some women, if they could get pregnant and have babies for years, they totally would. And you know what? More power to them! If you're able to and you want to, go right on ahead. But, I also know that many of these women want to continue having babies because they love the baby stage so much, and miss it so terribly when it's over. When I was much younger (and blissfully unaware of how next to impossible it would be for me to even conceive), I dreamt of having two boys and two girls. It was so idyllic to me, four kids, two of each gender. I plotted names and all kinds of things. Just two years later, I would be told how "impossible" it was for me to conceive children. I was crushed. I continued on with my idyllic dream, and kept those eight names, just in case. Flash forward to when the two lines appeared on the pregnancy test for Ryan, I was so elated that I was actually able to conceive (and hoped with all my being that I would be able to hold for full term), that I went into pregnancy with a reverence. And then, all the bad pregnancy symptoms came in. Every stinking ailment and symptom that pregnancies could get, I got. Migraines, nose bleeds, charlie horses, all day every day sickness and nausea, just to name a few. And then, on top of that, I ended up being diagnosed gestational diabetic. I went into labor with Ryan on June 24th, got put on the EVIL drug Pitocin for most of the day the 25th, attempted to push him out vaginally only for him to get stuck in my pelvis and retrobirth after 5 hours of struggling with that, and ended up with an emergency c-section to get him out. I'm pretty sure someone up there was laughing hysterically at me throughout the pregnancy. "Oh, you want pregnancy? I'll give you pregnancy...WITH EVERYTHING ELSE!!" In the end, it didn't matter though. Ryan was here, safe and whole, and I fell in love. Flash forward two and half years later, the same two lines appeared yet again, showing that I miraculously conceived once more, even after I was told that my son was a one in a million shot, and that my soon to be daughter would be a one in five million shot. Pregnancy this time around was not nearly as hard on me in the ways of symptoms, nausea, etc. It was hard on my body though, because I was a full blown diabetic at that point. The strain my pregnancy with Journey took on my heart, my liver, my kidneys, was so hard. The first six months were ideal; no nausea, no charlie horses, no nose bleeds, no migraines, not really much of anything to complain about. From month seven on though, it was on like Donkey Kong. My precious little daughter absolutely HATED being inside my womb at that point, and would FURIOUSLY kick me on a CONSTANT basis. Because she was so active in the womb, she caused my uterus to contract on a frequent heavy level. I was told that these were "Braxton-Hicks" contractions, because they didn't dilate me into full blown labor, but I beg to differ, because, from what I've read, Braxton-Hicks contractions are pretty mild, and are irregular. Mine were NOT. I was steadily contracting HARD contractions from month seven on, until I went into labor with her the morning of the 23rd. We had to work swiftly to get me to the OR before I ended up actually attempting to push her out because she was coming fast and furious. With all of this between the two pregnancies, I asked that my ob/gyn give me a tubal ligation while she was in there. My dream for four had died away after I realized how hard pregnancy was to my body. Instead, I was left grateful and blessed with two, a girl and a boy. I have NEVER regretted the tubal ligation. It brings me a GREAT peace of mind to know, my body will NEVER have to strain again to carry an unborn child. I know, to some people, this sounds callous and cruel, but, I would rather be broken and be here for my kids and husband, than be gone, leaving my family with just a new life to take care of, and no mother or wife to help. The tubal ligation 99.9% guarantees me that I won't have to go through the stages of pregnancy ever again, and I am very grateful for that. And now, we come to terms with this information. I love my kids. I have loved my kids from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I love my kids with every breath I take, with every fiber of my being. I have enjoyed EVERY stage of their lives so far. There is no one stage that I enjoyed more than the other. So, I don't look back very far very often to reminisce. I'm quite pleased with where we are right now, and I look forward to the future. I enjoy watching them grow, and growing with them. So, we come back to the topic, women who love babies because they're babies. Look, I get it. They're cute, they're tiny, they're portable, they're fun, and, in the end, they're TOTALLY worth it. But, I DO NOT wish to have a time machine to go back to that time. There is not a day in me when I look at Ryan and think "Oh my goodness, I remember when he was three. I wish I could do it all again." No thank you. Not that I didn't love him at three, but we were there, we had our moments, we had our fun, and now it's time to move on. I respect each time frame of my children's lives. I do not wish to go backwards and "keep them tiny". Do I look back on the times we had, and remember when they were small fondly? Of course I do! Do I wish to re-live it or do it all over again? NO. Never again. Because I lived through these stages, I can appreciate what they offered, both good and bad. Because I can appreciate the stages, I appreciate moving forward through each stage into the future. Every evening, when it's Mama Ryan time, I learn just a little bit more of what makes my son himself, the things he hears, sees, does, listens to, thinks about. I have been studying him from the moment he was placed into my arms in the hospital, up to this point and the seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc. left I have with him. Perhaps it's just me. I don't care to look back at the past, or see what made what happen. Things progress organically, and I'm a big believer in the butterfly effect. If you alter anything of the past, it will change the future. Why would I want to change what I have now? I am perfectly content where I am right now. I'm enjoying what I have right now, and I look forward to the future. We are putting in years of work, from the moment they're born, until the end of our time here, so why bother wanting to do it all over again? Why want to re-live that? You already lived it! Wasn't it amazing/glorious/horrible/upsetting/fun/uplifting/downtroddening/overly-emotional/heart-bursting/heartbreaking enough? And, it's not like it stops at just one stage! It continues! Every day! So, instead of being so sad for the past, and wishing so bad you could have it back, why not look at what you have now, what you've created, what you've built up until this point, and cherish it and tend to it every day as it continues to grow? I can understand nostalgia, I really can. Today, I just realized that, after this month, and next year, the only reason we will ever have to grace the walls of LES is to continue holding our Girl Scout meetings there. My children will never again attend LES. I would be a liar if I said I didn't feel a moment of amazement and a little nostalgia. But, I am proud of my children, and I know they're making their ways to be fine young adults, and soon (probably too soon), fine men and women. I guess, my reasoning behind all of this is to just appreciate what you have, while you have it. To appreciate where you've been, where you're at now, and where you'll be soon. It all goes by too fast. Don't wish yourself back to that past. The past is over. Don't wish away your present. Don't wish away your future. Live each day to it's fullest, and enjoy every step of the ride, no matter how high, or how low. Without the lows, we would never know how high the highs are. Without the dark, we would never know the brightness of the light. |
| There is something I've just recently found out that I would like to share with you all. Please, let me introduce myself properly. Hello. My name is Jamie. I'm a 35 year old female. I have Asperger's, and I also suffer from anxiety and depression. I have two lovely children. One of them is neuro-typical, and the other is on the autism spectrum, just like me. Thank you for letting me introduce myself. Perhaps you're shocked. How can this be? How is it that I never knew? Well, all I can do is give you my thoughts as to why, and what was done to diagnose me. I have always been different, from everyone in my family. My parents labeled me (semi-jokingly) as the black sheep of the family. Although I share characteristics with them, I have always been kind of different. I didn't seem to fit. When I was very small, I would have (what I now know to be) meltdowns. Many times, they were triggered over "too much". I felt too much, I was too confused, I couldn't understand, the situation was very overwhelming...so, I'd melt down. Please let me explain to you-when I was 3, I had a very good understanding of who I was, who my parents were, who my toddler brother was, and that I was alive. I was VERY conscious of my whereabouts and being. People find this miraculous for some reason, I don't see how. As humans, we're all capable of remembering things; some just do it earlier than others I suppose. So, when I melted down, it wasn't your "typical toddler throwing a fit because of the wrong sippy cup" situation. I was merely overwhelmed with what to do with all the information that was coming at me, or all the emotions that I was feeling that I had no idea how to reign in and control at the time. My mom, bless her, thought I was just throwing a fit, so she'd take me upstairs, soak a washcloth in cold water, put it on my face and rub it around and tell me to calm down. She called it a Spanish word, "Ravia". I THINK it means "a fit", but I'm not entirely sure. But yes, when I was three, four, five, six years old, I would do this, and every time, that is what my mom would do. Now, I'm not saying what she did was wrong. In essence, it worked; the cold would shock me, and I would attempt to breathe through being rubbed down, and finally, after my meltdown was over, I would go to my room, and fall asleep. It was all very exhausting. She did the best she could with what she knew, and for that, I'm very thankful. It helped, in a sense. To this very day, when I feel myself fraying at the ends, and my emotional bank is full, and I let out a long cry, I soak a washcloth in cold water and touch it all around my face, and especially my puffy eyes, where I've been crying. It's soothing to me now. All throughout school, I never seemed to fit in properly. I was bullied mercilessly from the time I started first grade, until my freshman year of high school. Junior high was the worst for me, as it was plain as day that I stuck out, and I tried so very hard to fit in and have no one notice me. People would use comments like "spastic", "weird" "idiot", and then, on the other side, "arrogant" "rude" "blunt" "uppity". Everyone had a label for me, and it was maddening. I tried so hard to hide through all of it, just for some peace. Ever since I was 4, I have had a very extensive vocabulary. By the time I hit junior high, I decided to water down how I spoke, and attempt to talk like "a normal person" (which many kids accused me of NOT doing.) No matter what I did, I was ridiculed. However, it never really seemed to phase me that much when they said it to me. I know this sounds weird, but this is the standard on how I operate, to this day: if someone has a problem with me, and they tell it to my face, I will do what I can to fix that problem. I will teach myself to do better, and attempt to do what's considered "normal". However, if someone has a problem with me, and they refuse to tell me why, I literally sit there and agonize for long periods of time as to what I've done to offend them so badly. My need for the knowledge of what's wrong is as strong as my need to try and fix it. This has always been who I am, to this very day; this is the core of my being. I attempt to help, and fix. That is all I want to do, help and fix. Many times, my help turns into hindrance, because my brain and my mouth don't cooperate in sync. I say things wrong, or I do something I think is okay, which is actually not okay. Social norms don't really make any sense to me. Why can't I tell a group of moms I'm wearing a nursing bra? Why can't I announce that I have to go to the bathroom? Passive aggressiveness angers me, I don't know what to make of it. Are they mad? Do they not care? Have I offended them in some way? I am only left to assume I've done or said something wrong (typical Jamie), and then feel hapless when I'm unable to fix it. Thus, the crux of my life. But I digress. So, there are many things that are telltale signs of an autism spectrum disorder that I've been dealing with my entire life. The meltdowns, the not fitting in, the social awkwardness, extensive vocabulary, more comfortable dealing with adults when I was younger (I find dealing with adults now that I'm older and am an adult is a lot like trying to breathe underwater. It's proven very hard to find people who say what they mean and mean what they say.), my stimming (yes, I stim. I stim verbally by reading aloud everything that I read, by repeating things to myself over and over again [Don actually thinks these are cute...he's very strange!]. I also stim physically. I shake my leg when I'm in anxious/nervous/stressful situations, and when I'm speaking about things that make me anxious or stressed out, I will fidget with my fingers, or any object I can find. Currently, my fidget toy are two mini pens attached to each other by the cap. I enjoy spinning them when I'm talking about something that can be hard to talk through.) my need for routine, my abhorrence of change (and this isn't just that "fear of the unknown" thing either. When someone or something changes, I fear that I have lost that thing or person FOREVER. I cannot rationalize how things will continue to go if something changes. I just don't have that capability. I lost my best friend in 6th grade because of it, and I almost lost one of my best friends from high school because of it.), my somewhat concrete and rigid thinking, my sensory issues,oh my, the list is exhausting already. Many of these traits (not ALL, but a good amount) were handed down to Journey. When she was three, she had what's called echolalia. This means, she would repeat back to us the things she heard-it was her language, it's how she expressed herself. She didn't know the right words to say. This is why we put her in speech therapy, so she could learn the right words. There were a lot of other things that seemed kind of "off" as well, which is why I attempted to investigate it further. The most truthful saying about autism is "When you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism". Her autism is different in mine in some ways, but very similar in others. The differences stuck out to me, which made me investigate further with many doctors. The similarities....well, I just thought that I somehow passed my hang ups on my daughter. When she was 7 and diagnosed by an autism specialist through the school district, I was shocked, but I also knew this to be true. Many of the things she did, that I read up on, corresponded to autism. It was then at that point, when it was turned over to me and shown that "these characteristics are what lead us to believe this diagnosis", I began to wonder if either she was misleading them because they were things I did (with a much deeper perseverance than her), and, since I wasn't autistic (so I thought at the time), then she wasn't either. I began to fear that I had mislead her doctors. My only saving grace that kept me from overthinking this was that they did extensive evaluations on her, to prove that she was. That's logical. Her evaluations led us to her truth; she is on the autism spectrum. And then my thoughts turned to me. "What does this mean for me then?" I wondered. Extremely anxious, I spoke with my psychiatrist about this possibility. My psychiatrist sat and listened to me, explained that at my age, there's really no reason to get a diagnosis one way or the other since there's really no available therapies as an adult on the spectrum. I let him know that it was for my peace of mind, as I have many coping mechanisms in place, since I was very small, that have gotten me to this point thus far. He agreed, that, for my peace of mind, he would refer me to someone who could do evaluations. I was then evaluated. I was also told to bring them to my therapist. My therapist read through them, looked at me and said "I thought you knew." She knew. Seven years of working with me, and she knew. I was fearful to bring it up to her when I came to realize that I needed to be evaluated for my own peace of mind, because I thought she'd poo-poo me and tell me I was making things up. And so, here we are. I am liberated. I am free to be me. In freeing Journey, I have freed myself. One of my very best friends, whom I told when I found out, asked me how I felt about it. I gave her five words. "Relieved. Absolved (of guilt). Understanding. Free. Validated." |
Since Journey was very small, we've always had some sort of routine bedtime activity. When she was 2 and 3, it was read a favorite story to Kiki Meow. When she turned 4, it was Sundae, when she turned 5 up into the first few months of 7, it turned in to Hello Kitty Cafe. After that, we just kind of hung out and talked. By the time she was 8, it turned into shadow puppet theater. It has now evolved into Beanie Boo Puppet Theater. (I'm sure some of you are asking, what in the world is a Beanie Boo? Well, according to Google [who knows everything, I might add!], "Beanie Boos by Ty were introduced in June 2009. They are similar to Beanie Babies but they have larger eyes and bigger heads. They come in many different animal styles. Beanie Boos was first sold in the United Kingdom." So Scarlett  , you might already have an idea of these little creatures from Angel.) Journey is on a mission to collect every single Beanie Boo cat and cat type. She currently has 28 of them, 1 being a bigger sized version of a smaller one, and 4 being duplicates of other small ones. Now that I've gotten some of you flabbergasted, I will continue...Journey is so enamored with her Beanie Boos, that she decided she was going to use them for her shadow puppet theater instead of her actual hands, thus Beanie Boo puppet theater was born. The thing that amazes me most about this is how Journey can create environments with just a few shows she's watched, or just a few times of being somewhere. She really tries her best to re-create that atmosphere, and it amazes me every time. She tries to find as many props and stage equipment from just what she has in her room as possible, and brings it to my room to set the "stage" (my bed) up. (Just to let you all know, we're currently in the middle of the Chinchilla Tournament. I will explain this shortly.) Currently, Journey houses all her Beanie Boo cats in a large Amazon.com box. This is the Beanie Boo mansion, and it currently resides in my bedroom so she doesn't have to lift the large box and drag it between her room and mine every night while Beanie Boo puppet theater is going on. She grabs her two Pillow Pets (a bee that she got for Christmas when she was 3, and a Hello Kitty that she got for her 7th birthday from her good friend Olivia), and a heart shaped pillow that she was given by a very good family friend. She also grabs her blanket that she was given this year for Christmas, which is the stage curtain. She takes the pillows and creates seating for all the crowd that comes to watch the show (which is many of the stuffed animals on her bed, any leftover Beanie Boo cats in the box, and myself). She then props her camp flashlight up on Don's pillow that's been brought to the middle of the bed so the flashlight can shine against the wall, and we start the show. So, this is how the show has gone the last few nights we've been playing it. Her cat Anabelle is the announcer. She's the one that calls out "Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome to (it used to be "Beanie Boo puppet theater") Round (whatever number) of the Chinchilla Tournament!" and then in a very speedy voice, explains that she's Anabelle, she's the announcer for the night, the popcorn and drinks are free, and she will now take your ticket. Once you hand Anabelle your ticket, the "curtain" (Journey's blanket) drops, and you can see the cats on stage, ready to begin the scene. Right now, we're on round 4, part 2 of the Chinchilla Tournament. Basically, the Rose Queens (Beanie Boo cats Willow and Glamour [who is actually a leopard]) and the two Rose Kings (a large lynx named Buckwheat and a small black and white cat named Pepper) have decided to join the Chinchilla Tournament. They receive some highly trained chinchillas (which are actually Beanie Boos cats Muffin, Katy, Tauri and Pellie) which they either work together with to impress judges, or compete against to earn points. I'm going to go out on a very short limb here and guess that the tournament was created after something she watched on Pokemon (which she watches obsessively). There is quite a lot of hilarity in this show, as she uses a lot of quippy one liners throughout her cast I'm not quite sure where she gets them (possibly a few Disney Channel shows, also, again, the Pokemon cartoons). One night, during round 2 of the Chinchilla Tournament, the cats were poised against the chinchillas in a gymnastics battle. As good of gymnasts as the cats were, the chinchillas were that much better. Pepper (voiced by the talented Journey) quipped "Holy cow! These chinchillas are highly trained!" I rolled onto the bed, laughing hysterically. I am highly amused by Journey-likewise, is highly amused by me. This makes us very compatible and great company. It never ceases to amaze me the games and activities she comes up with for us during our "Mama Journey time". I'm a big fan of being involved in whatever new games she creates! |
| I've been coming to a lot of realizations lately, acknowledging and understanding my truths. I have become more free to be myself now more than I ever have. It's almost an awakening if you will. (More about this at another time though. I'd like to touch on my further explorations at a later time.) In essence, I'm attempting to parent my kids in a way that I hope will be helpful to them. They are born of me, but they aren't exactly like me, so my parenting can be hit or miss sometimes, but I liken it to "How would I like this to be handled if I were a kid?". I know, it sounds much worse than what I actually mean, but I can't seem to find the right words to explain it. Let me give you tonight's scenario however, and maybe that will explain it better. So, Don and I were downstairs, watching some hockey, and Journey was upstairs, getting ready to brush her teeth and get ready for bed. She called down to me, in tears, about her loose tooth (side note: this tooth has been loose for awhile; it even cracked down the center in two. When I called our dental office about it, I was told that that meant the tooth was hallow at this point, and the two shells of what once was will become loose and come out very soon. I headed their advice, and have kept a close watch.) I ran upstairs to find her crying in the bathroom. "Mama, I'm scared!" she wailed. I held her close to me, patted her back and told her "It's alright to be scared. There's nothing wrong with being scared. Tell me what you're scared about." "Mama, I'm scared when my tooth comes out, it's going to hurt!" I hugged her close, I sat down on the toilet seat cover, and brought her close to me. "I'm going to be truthful with you," I started. She looked at me. "It might hurt....but it also might not hurt." At first she looked shocked, then annoyed, then confused. "Let's be scientists," I told her. "They do something called make a hypotheses. Do you know what that is?" She shook her head. "A hypotheses is when a scientist makes a guess at what's going to happen, after they've done experiments to see which results come back. You've had loose teeth before, right?" She nodded. "Okay, well, did those teeth hurt when they came out?" "Not really," she admitted. "Okay, then my hypotheses is that your tooth probably won't hurt all that much if we get it out," I surmised. She nodded, but looked hesitant. "Mama, I'm still scared," she whispered, fear tracing her face. "It's okay to be scared," I assured her. "I will be here with you the whole time, okay? I'm here for you, no matter what. What can we do now?" "I guess I can try to brush it," she wavered. She stopped herself from grabbing the brush, tears running down her face. "Let's try something, okay? How about, we make it into steps, okay? The first step is to close your eyes. The second step is to take a deep breath. The third step is to breathe it all out. The last step is to put the toothbrush in your mouth. Do you think we can try that?" She nodded. "Step one," I murmured. She closed her eyes. "Step two", I continued. She took a deep inhale. "Step three!" I said with a small excitement, and paused. She exhaled, took one look at the toothbrush and nearly broke down again. "Okay, that's okay," I assured her. "If you know you're not ready to brush your tooth out, let's try something else instead, okay?" "Mama, I know that sometimes when I swish water in my mouth and spit, the tooth comes out!" She exclaimed. "Yes!" I cried. "Let's try that!" So we began filling up the cup, swishing and spitting. "One more time Mama," Journey would chant. We would refill the cup just a bit more. "I can feel it Mama, it's coming loose!" We tried for a few minutes. Finally, after the last swish, she told me "I don't think it's going to come out." "No worries my love, it will come out when it's ready, okay? No rush! Perhaps it just needs to get a little bit looser, that's all." I assured her. She gave me a smile, hugged me and said "Thank you Mama, I love you." My hope in sharing this is not really to brag about my parenting skills (as I'm sure, there are people out there that would read this, roll their eyes and say I'm coddling her), but to bring light to helping children with anxiety. I myself have always been extremely anxious. Many times in my life I've been told I'm over-reacting, or that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. My belief though, that I've begun to embrace is, my feelings, your feelings, our feelings are valid. Journey's fear? It's valid. It's keeping her from doing something as simple as brushing her teeth. What do you do with fear? You educate yourself about it, so you won't be as afraid anymore. I offered her the hypotheses to let her know that, more than likely, it won't hurt. Though that helped some, it still did not squall her fear. I gave her a few tips to try and cope with the fear-work with it, if you will. They were helpful, but they didn't quite get her there. So, I decided to ask her what she thought we could do to help ease the fear. In the end, she was most comfortable with swishing and spitting out the water, and though in the end, it did not bring out the loose tooth, it calmed and comforted her. I don't know if she will remember this night, but I think she just might. Tonight, I attempted to give my daughter what I have finally learned to give myself. I validated her feelings. I did not belittle her, talk down to her, or make her feel less. I let her know, fear is a valid feeling for what she was going through, and it was perfectly fine to feel it. I assured her I would be there to help her, and I would always support her. I would always root for her. I tried to teach her to educate herself about her fear, reach back and use her experiences to try and gain a better grasp at what she's battling, so she'll have a better idea of how she can tackle it. I gave her some coping mechanisms, having her try to close her eyes, take a deep breath, let it all out, and try the task. We attempted this about 4 times, and it seemed less and less each time, but it was always the last step that was just one step too much to bear. I allowed her to think of alternative ways of how we could tackle the problem, and she had a fantastic idea that she should be very proud of! We attempted it a few times, but it was just a no go. I attempted to let her know that, although the ending didn't happen the way we thought it would, there's no shame in that. I can understand that it may be a bit of a let down, but we did our best. Perhaps it just wasn't time yet. I assured her that we can continue to try until it comes out. There will be more opportunities. I also hugged her tight, and let her know how proud of her I was that she was willing to try all this, and be brave. She didn't think she was being brave, but really, she was. I attempted to show her that, admitting her fears, educating herself about them, attempting ways to find a solution, thinking outside of the box for other solutions, and trying those solutions, DESPITE the outcome not being what you would hoped it would be, THAT, is bravery my friends. Bravery is not always running to the forefront and yelling "FOR COUNTRY!", bravery is not always standing up to the big bully and threatening to take them down David vs. Goliath style. Sometimes bravery is quiet, and you move through it a little hesitantly, step by step, to try and eliminate your fear. It may not always eradicate it, but nevertheless, it was so very brave to try. My hope is, even if she forgets what happened tonight, even if it was a blip on her radar in the road map of life, my hope is that the lessons themselves stuck out enough for her to carry them with her, whether I'm here with her or not. We will keep trying though. |
| So, in our girl scout troop, we're doing many different things. Currently at this time, we're doing something called a "Journey" (yes, when we say "Girl Scout Journey", all the girls giggle and point to Journey. We find it quite amusing!) in which I have asked the girls to go out and interview five women within the community about their profession, and other certain questions about the profession. I've also asked them to take a picture or two of that particular woman, because at the end of it all, I'm going to use the interviews and the pictures to create a picture book from Shutterfly that encases all of these photos and interviews as our "Take Action Project". The book will then be moving throughout the community so the women who are in the book can see what we've put in it. Of course, because Journey is in our troop, Journey is doing the work she's supposed to in order to earn these awards. She has done four interviews so far, and is hoping to get her fifth on Monday. We have a back up just in case she doesn't, but either way, number five will come. I looked back at the interviews she did (I attended all of them, because, hello, 9 year old girl here. I don't feel comfortable leaving her with a stranger for an hour to do an interview.), and even though I attended them all, I did NOT interject myself in any way. I was merely a bystander. I will not do Journey's work for her. She is quite capable, and so I leave her to it. In some of the interviews, I realized that she was being talked down to. Now, these people that she interviewed aren't truthfully absolute strangers...they're people that both Don and I know personally. Journey may not know them personally, but they know about her, they know she's our daughter, and we've given them a heads up that she would like to do an interview with them for a girl scout project. I know people mean well, and I know that they're trying to speak friendly with her. I'm not upset about being friendly with her, I'm upset with how they talk to her. They tend to raise their voices to a higher octave, and simplify questions and make assumptions. It angers me. I could understand it if she was six. I would look away, I wouldn't think much of it at all. But she'll be turning ten by summer's end, and there are very few people that don't talk to her like she's six. She is bright. She is smart. She is strong. She is capable. Please don't think it amazing that Journey can hold an interview with you. Just because she has autism spectrum disorder does not mean that she doesn't understand. She's quite sharp actually, and she's not given much credit. And I mean, okay, I can sort of understand, because some of these people have known her since she was doing echolalia at three, and had a hard time communicating, but at the same time, I keep everyone abreast of Journey's accomplishments and how she grows. I'm not saying she's mastered pragmatic speech yet by any means, but she understands social situations much better than I do! I'm going to assume that it's because, since she was very small, we have been working with her, and the school has been working with her, and the social skills groups have been working with her, to help her get to the point to where she is today. If you saw her when she was four, and if you were to meet her again today, you wouldn't even know it was the same child. That's how far she's come. But yet people still feel the need to talk to her like she's six, like she doesn't have the capability to understand more interesting and complex things. Sure, there are things she's not quite sure of, but if that's the case, why don't you ask her to see if she knows or understands instead of discounting her abilities and assuming you know what she knows or doesn't know? Many people are smarter in certain areas, and have limited knowledge of other things, that's just how the world is. All people are like that, regardless of their abilities. It just angers, hurts and upsets me when people assume they know what's best for her, or what she understands, or how she's able to communicate. ASK HER. TALK TO HER. She's quite capable of telling you how she feels, what she understands, asking for clarification if she doesn't, and so forth. And again, at the interviews, I had people that would try to pull me in to speak for her, and I wouldn't. Why? Why do they treat her like this? She's not dumb. She understands. Just because she has ASD does NOT make her any less capable! So, also, right now, many of our troop girls are friends both in the troop and out of the troop. Journey is friends with many of these girls as well. They go to school together, they attend girl scouts together, they get invited to each others' birthday parties, etc. Lately, many of the girls within the troop have been having sleepovers at each other's houses. Journey had a sleepover at her friend Grace's last summer, and she really seemed to enjoy it. However, we haven't gotten around to discussing another opportunity with Grace. Journey is also friends with another girl in the troop, and noticed how there are other girls going to her house all the time. She admitted that she would like to go to her house and try a sleepover there as well. She then went to the girl and told her "I would like to sleep over at your house", and because I'm worried about social faux pas myself, I decided to reach out to the mom and let her know what was going on before her daughter came home and told her how Journey just invited herself over. I emailed the mom (very nice person, I like her a lot! She's very friendly and helpful!) and explained the situation, and apologizing if it seemed like Journey just kind of invited herself over without being asked first. The mom said it was fine, and said she would love to host Journey sometime, she was just very unsure of how comfortable and willing Journey would be. I sent her back an email letting her know that Journey was quite laid back, and very easy to handle. She doesn't really require any special attention, or any real extra accommodations, so if she was willing to host her, we would be happy to let her go enjoy her time with her friend. Now. I'm not upset about how I was asked to explain how to make it a better experience for Journey. In all honesty, I appreciate that she asked that, and I'm happy to inform her. I'd be happy to inform any of the parents in our troop, to be honest. I just feel kind of sad that everyone just assumes that with her ASD label, things have to be just so for her to even consider being in that environment. She is much more tolerable than people think. In fact, she's more tolerable than I am, and that's saying something! I started crying as I was thinking about all of this. It upsets me, because I want them to be able to talk to her, to see her, to know her, to understand her. And though I'm happy being a vehicle to give awareness and understanding and hopefully acceptance, I feel that it's time to give that task to Journey. I know, because I'm her mom. But she knows better, because she is herself, and Journey knows what works best for Journey. I am her advocate, her strong shoulder, because I am her mom. But Journey can also be her own advocate as well, if you allow her to be. She is quite capable of making many decisions, and figuring out how to do things. I know the ASD label is scary or unfamiliar to some people. I get it. But at the same time, if you don't understand something, wouldn't you ask for clarification to better understand? Why not ask the source herself? Please, don't discount Journey. Don't discount her capabilities, or her understanding. If you have a chance or the time, talk to her. Get to know her better. Talk to her like she's a 10 year old girl. Treat her like she's the age she actually is. You may come back surprised, but I promise you, you will not come back disappointed. |
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