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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Today is to be the last Brownie meeting that we ever have. No more Brownies after this. I hope all my girls show up today, as I have all their patches, and their membership stars to pin on them. I know one of my girls for certain isn't going to make it to the bridging ceremony, so I'm giving her all her things today. I don't know about the others though. So far, I'm pretty sure that the rest are coming. There's one that I question, as she's been saying yes to showing up, and then never showing up (which is funny, because I had a different girl like that last year). I want this to go as smoothly as possible. I want to make this as special as I can for them. Them not being there kind of puts a cramp on that. *Sigh.* Only so much I can do about that. I'm wistful about today being the last Brownie meeting ever. I'm bringing my camera to take pictures of the girls, because there will be four of them that are not returning. I will miss all 11 of them immensely, and wish we could all carry on to Juniors, but that's just not possible. I hope they've all made good friends with each other, and they continue to be a part of each others lives. I hope scouting has brought them so many wonderful memories. I know it has for me. Journey as well. I don't expect any gifts or fanfare today, which is fine. I just want to spend it with my girls, taking pictures, eating ice pops, handing out Court of Awards ribbons. I hope that I see most of them at the bridging ceremony on Saturday, where I can give them their Junior things. The weather looks like it's going to be nice and sunny that day, which is what I was hoping for. Quite warm too...I'll need to find a way to cool off. So long Brownies. It was fun. I'm going to miss it, but I look forward to Juniors next year now. We'll see what kind of fun things we can do then! |
| When at the risk of pissing people off and alienating them, I try to be nice. I am very gracious with my parents, but there comes a time when you have to step up, say "Enough is enough", and make decisions for them, and force their hand. This bridging ceremony was one of those moments. Snack for the year was another. I tried, I really did. I gave the benefit of the doubt. If I ask nicely, people will say "Sure Jamie!" and sign up. Ha ha, no. So, when snack sign up came, and hardly anyone signed up, I took it upon myself to SIGN THEM UP. You don't like it? Too bad. I gave you the option to sign up, you didn't do it, so now you have no choice. One of my moms, the one who was kind enough to be the only one to sign up, suggested I force everyone else's hand once more. "Put the sign up sheet on top of the sign out sheet," she suggested. "Don't let them leave until they sign up for something." DING DING DING! She's brilliant! So, that is exactly what I did. I made up a sign up sheet, and forced everyone to scan it and pick at LEAST one thing that they would be willing to bring for the bridging ceremony. Long story short, everything got signed up for. I am quite pleased. The only things I'm not pleased about with the upcoming ceremony are the time crunch that I'm in trying to get the cake and pizza, and the weather looking quite rainy that day.  I'm very disappointed in mother nature for ruining our party. Hopefully we can move some tables around under the pavilion and put the bridge up there. Even better news for my parents, no one needs to drop the bridge back off at my SU money manager's house (where it's kept), as my friend, who has bridging Juniors, is coming to pick the bridge up from me so she can have it on the 15th to do HER bridging ceremony. Works for me!Less stress all around. *Exhales deeply* Ryan's still figuring out what we're doing with his party. One of his friends may or may not make it (which would be totally weird, as his friend has made it to every birthday Ryan's had since he was 7), and he's currently at his other friend's house spending the night this weekend. Hopefully through all the good times he's having, he'll remember to invite his friend. We'll basically see who shows up. He's inviting people here and there, and whoever shows up shows up. That's basically been Ryan's party since 9 years old. Usually his two best friends are there, so it doesn't really make much of a difference for him. (Unlike Journey, who gets devastated when people can't show up to her party. We had that happen twice, once for bad weather, and once because everyone was out of town.) Jen will be in attendance with her two oldest hopefully. We shall see. I was reading about how there's a new elementary school in our close vicinity now, and a lot of kids that are going to our elementary school will now be going to the new elementary school. Though some of Journey's friends will be going new places, a few will be staying with her. I didn't think too much of it to be honest...until I realized that our school is going to be downsizing teacher positions now that we're losing about 250 kids. And then I realized, special ed teachers aren't exempt from that downsizing. And I cried like a baby for an hour. All of the special ed teachers that Journey has worked with...they could move on. They could go to the new school, or a different school. Her speech pathologist, the one she's worked with since Kindergarten, could move on. Her most favorite special ed teacher, the one that helped her through Pre-K and Kindergarten, could be gone. Her current special ed teacher may move to the new school. We don't know. Placements haven't been made for any of these teachers yet, and we don't know if they'll be moving on or not. I sent out an email to all her special ed help, teachers, speech, paras, and pleaded with them to let me know over the summer when they find out if they'll be moving to a different school, or if they'll be staying with us. I'm so scared we'll walk into school next year, and they won't be there anymore. I don't know how Journey will take the news. She was really hoping that the special ed teacher that helped her in Pre-K and Kindergarten would be her special ed teacher again this year, but that may not happen if she's moving to the new school. I love both her and the current special ed teacher that she has, I'm very close with them, and so is Journey. If she were to find out that we're losing some of them, I don't know how she'll take it. I, myself, will be heartbroken. It may be that I'm more devastated about the news than Journey, I'm not sure. I remember when Journey went into first grade, and she got a different teacher than I was hoping for (although a good teacher, the same one that Ryan had), and her now current special ed teacher, who I didn't know anything about, and I found out when we went to open house. I remember going into her old special ed teacher's room, finding out the news, and just sobbing. The start of first grade was not what I wanted. In the end though, I was extremely grateful for her current special ed teacher, and we were definitely blessed to have the first grade teacher Ryan had be the same first grade teacher Journey had. Journey was hardly phased by it the way I was. Perhaps it may prove that way again, I'm not sure. I know she's extremely close with her special ed staff, so it may just happen that she could lose some, and be upset by this news. To make it easier on her, I'm hoping that the special ed staff will email me back this summer when they find out to let me know so I can let Journey know. We'll go about it from there. 8 days left of school. I'm ready, but I'm not. |
| I'm in rush mode this month. The kids are still in school till the 17th, and Ryan's birthday dinner is on the 20th. I hope he can get his friends told by the time it comes. I contacted K to see if James would be able to make it. I hope he's able to. I'll have Ryan call Rory's house this weekend to ask. I called the place we're going to see if we had to reserve a table, or just come in, and they advised me that we can just come in and sit in the regular seating area, as they don't rent rooms to parties smaller than 20 guests. Considering we'll have AT MOST 13, I don't see us hitting the 20 number any time soon. I hope he enjoys the dinner there with his family and friends. I'll try to make it the best I can for him. Speaking of Ryan and birthdays, his Wii U game pad is having issues. So much for that early birthday gift. We're hoping to send it out to get repaired soon (Nintendo, you ROCK for sending us a prepaid shipping label!), so it's a package we get to look forward to getting back once we send it in. Ryan's anxious to get it back. Silly kid, we haven't even sent it out yet! I hope they can fix it, and send it back in working order soon.Nintendo is a good company though, I know they'll do their very best. Sent out an email last night to all my Brownie parents, letting them know I need some help in planning this bridging ceremony for the girls that we're having on June 13th. I've asked for a specific set of things, and no one has yet to offer up their assistance. I don't know if I'm just being impatient because it hasn't been a full day yet since it was sent out, or if everyone's flummoxed on who gets what, or what the case is. (Edit: Bless her, one of my moms responded just now! Thank goodness! I thought the email went out to outer space!). We don't have a lot of time to get this all planned and put together (hence the reason I sent the email out when I did...and p.s., I also put it on Facebook and through our Brownie website to make sure that EVERYONE saw it.), so I'm anxious on pins and needles waiting for people to respond. *Sigh.* I hope I get more responses soon. I want this to be the best possible bridging experience the girls can have, because some of these girls aren't coming back to my troop, and some of these girls aren't coming back to girl scouting ever. I want to give them a good memory of scouting, so they'll always look back and think how wonderful it was. They deserve to feel special and honored for their accomplishments as Brownies these last two years. I just wish people cared about these things as much as I do. *Sigh.* And yet again, the new developmental pediatrician appointment looms near. My fears and anxiety are NOT at bay about this. Of all the things I'm planning and trying to put together this month, this one is the most stressful of all of them to me. How can I present all this information of my daughter in a one hour appointment that's going to give us the diagnosis we're hoping for? I've failed three times so far to do it. I don't know if I failed Journey, or the doctors failed us, but either way, this was failed. I have no idea how to get the doctor to see what we see. I have a print out of how autism presents differently in girls, and then I have her IEP, and then I have the letter from the autism specialist saying how she came to the decision about Journey's educational diagnosis, and all of her evaluations, and the letter from Kennedy Krieger, and the letter from Dr. V, I really don't want to bring the letter from Kennedy Krieger or Dr. V, because it's more proof from doctors who weren't listening or paying attention that she's just right as rain, when she's NOT. Don's told me to let it go, and it is what it is, and whatever the doctor sees is what we have to contend with, and if she diagnoses Journey with nothing, we'll just try again. I don't WANT to try again. I'm sick of trying. I'm so damn tired of these supposed medical professionals basing their judgements on a whole whopping 15 minute interaction with my daughter. Yes, she's verbal. Yes, she has emotions. Yes, she attempts to be social. Yes, she can communicate her feelings now, thanks to five years of speech therapy. Yes, she tests well. That doesn't mean she's NOT. I can reiterate all the signs that prove to me that she is, and I can already hear the doctor dismissing each one. I'm sick of this roller coaster. And yet, I hear from SO MANY PARENTS that have autistic kids that it's next to impossible to get an educational diagnosis of autism, and that IEP's as full as ours are rare unicorns. Why is it that the school system is so willing to see what's going on with her that the damned medical world will not?! It just baffles me. She will be 9 in August. We have been collectively waiting SIX YEARS for a doctor to give us a better diagnosis of "developmentally delayed and growing out of it by 10". What kind of bullshit is that anyway?! UGH!!! I'm sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't rant about what we may or may not know about what is or isn't going to happen. Just..frustrated. Frazzled. So yes, my anxiety for the month of June is at an all time high. I hate that my anxiety's ebb or flow depends on other people. If I were superwoman, I would pull this all off myself, and everything would be a piece of cake. Unfortunately, that's not the case, so here I sit, riddled in anxiety, and wishing for the end of the month already. *Sigh.* |
| So, next month we're headed to a new developmental pediatrician. This one is working at Children's National in Rockville. I still hold out hope that one day, she'll be medically diagnosed, but it always comes with the crushing weight of unsure expectations. I WANT them to see that she is. I WANT them to realize that she shows all the signs, and though it's not classic, it's definitely there. I'm so sick of them comparing her to a boy's classic autism. She's a girl, all girls present differently than boys, and she presents differently than other cases, as she's her own unique case. I don't know if it's more obvious to me now because I'm willing to see it more, or if she's getting those little quirks more outward, or if it's showing because of her age, but I see them, loud and clear. Now it's up to me to try and make another doctor see it. and I'm scared that I won't be able to, and it'll be another wasted appointment with a specialist that will ignore what's facing her. It seems all these specialists we take her to decide there's nothing there and just shoo our concerns aside. I can come as prepared as I want to, and if they decide what constitutes as autism for ALL cases and doesn't see it present in her, then we've just wasted gas, time, energy, money, and everything else. I so badly don't want it to be that way this time. I want this doctor to be different, to listen to our concerns, to see Journey for who she is, and to realize there's no cardboard cutout of what autism is. I'm really worried that this won't be the case though. Yet still, I keep chasing that elusive unicorn developmental pediatrician, the one who will say "Yes, I see it. She is. You know what you're talking about." Somehow, I doubt I'll ever find them. *Sigh.* I've been quite silly lately, as everything I've bought for Ryan's birthday has been given to him over the last few months. Oh well. At least he knows we got him things for it. I had to get him more clothes as well, as he was short shirts and shorts. We're hoping to get his birthday dinner together as well on either Friday the 19th or Saturday the 20th. We also have to save some money to go up to Rockville that next week, on Ryan's actual birthday, to the new developmental pediatrician. It's funny though, I keep giving him everything as it comes in, but yet I'm holding on to everything that's coming in for Journey's birthday. I don't know why. I'm not going to give her any of it at her party. I'll probably make her wait till her actual birthday (the day after) for her gifts from us. I can't really think of a reason, other than I've given him everything else already. I guess nothing will be a secret for him, so I just give it to him as it comes in. He doesn't seem to mind. Maybe he will though when the day comes, and he has nothing to open. Twelve may prove different though, we'll see. School is winding down. Journey no longer has homework this year, and Ryan has field day on Friday (which is actually going to be really interesting, as he'll have been in the sun all day sweating, as soon as he comes home, we're headed to Journey's Star Citizen ceremony, so I'm sure the smell won't be all that pleasant. We shall see though.) What they're going to do with the last 15 days of school, I'm not sure, but if it's homework ending time and field day already, I'm not sure what they have to do in June other than be bored. |
| 19 more days of school. Both the kids and I are looking forward to sleeping in. I'm not looking forward to having to get breakfast and lunch stuff when our grocery money is already stretched to the max. Oh well, part of life I suppose. It's harder now that the kids are getting bigger and eating more. We'll figure out what we can do though. Today is the day that I give my Brownie girls their journals/memory books and pens. I know at least three girls aren't going to be there, so I'll just have to hold onto some journals and pens for them. I have no idea when I'll see them again, and considering there's only 3 more meetings after today, I hope I at least get to see them before the year ends. I'm not sure about what's going on for our bridging ceremony, but I hope I hear something about it soon. I have all these ideas, but nothing I can implement without knowing what's going on at this point. It frustrates me when everything is up in the air. Journey's grade is having a market day at school. They're allowed to bring in things like gently used toys, board games, things they've created, or make a game or provide a service (face painting, nail painting, etc.) for market money (currency for the project). Journey has decided that she's going to open a booth and sell some paintings she has made. As soon as she showed me the sheet about Market Day, she ran upstairs and broke out her paint kit, painting away. She created 25 original works that she will be selling for $2 market dollars each. She will also have a jar filled with a certain amount of candy, and allow people to guess for $1 market dollar how many candies are in the jar, whoever guesses correctly wins the jar. Journey has a leg up on everyone else though, as she's been slinging Girl Scout cookies since she was 5. She told me that she's going to tell all her customers that her savings are going to go towards visiting Cat Island in Japan, just like when cookie customers ask her what the troop is going to do with the money they earn. Although it's suggested she spend the money on other booths at Market Day, she seems to be sure that she wants to save it instead. Though it would be best to spend the market dollars at the market, at least she has the right idea in her heart and head that when you sell something, you use that money to save for something you really want to do/see/have. I'm very impressed with her. She's an excellent sales girl, always has been. Ryan's been having struggles in math class again. He's currently sitting at a C, and he keeps bombing quizzes and tests, as well as homework assignments. I told him if he needs help, he can come to me and I would do my best to help him, but for some reason, he keeps on going on, without any help, and then he misses things he thought he had correctly but didn't. I'm not sure what to do for him at this point. I want him to raise his grade to at least a B in that class before the year ends, but as of this point, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. Though I'm very disappointed, I'm not going to lash out on him about it. I just need him to know that he has to try his best, and pay closer attention, slow down and really make sure he's doing the correct thing. He always seems to be under the impression that he has to speed through everything. The times that he needs to be quick about doing his assignments, he's very slow, and either gets docked points, or doesn't earn points at all, and then when he has time on assignments, he speeds through them, not looking at the directions properly, or misinterpreting the directions or missing a problem he was supposed to do. My biggest suggestion to him is to ask his teacher "How much time do we have on this assignment/test/quiz?" to make sure he's got enough time to do something. If she is telling him, he needs to pay better attention and realize that he only has so much time. It's frustrating. As much as I want to help him and be there to interpret for him, I can't. He has to take on the responsibility and do it on his own; I can only watch and hope he does okay. I'm not going to beat him up for it, kids need to learn to deal with failure and disappointment. He needs to learn that he has to put in all his effort to earn his grades, his teachers aren't just going to give them to him like they used to. This class has been instrumental to teaching him life lessons that he needs to learn, and for that, I'm grateful. I just hope he learns from them and carries onto next year the things he's learned. Don's birthday is on Friday, and he's taken the day off that day. I'm quite pleased at his timing, as Journey has a recorder concert that I'd like him to be there for as well. After school, we'll be heading to the instrument repair shop, as Ryan's clarinet has lost a pad on one of the bottom keys. I heard it's going to cost somewhere around $35 to fix, and could take up to two weeks to get back. Though I'm not thrilled with this prognosis, there's not a lot I can do about it. They're really the only repair shop in the county, so I have to grin and bear it. We'll then be heading out to dinner for Don's birthday, and then Saturday, sweet Saturday, we'll finally be getting the boys haircuts after months of waiting. Speaking of attendance of school activities, Journey was chosen to be Star Citizen of the Month for her class this month. They're holding the celebration on the 29th, which Don was able to get off that afternoon to come watch. I'm so very proud of her. This is the first time since first grade that she's gotten it. Her teacher loves her, and I love her teacher! I'm going to miss her greatly when Journey goes off to fourth grade. That Saturday is our Girl Scout spa day that we earned from our cookie sales, I hope all the girls that said they can come will be in attendance. Bailey won't be there that day, which I'm bummed about, because she might not be in our troop next year, and I'm going to miss her immensely, but I hope to see her at the last two meetings of the year, and again at the bridging ceremony. I've got to start getting things together for that... All in all, it looks to be a productive and interesting last bit of the month. |
| I feel like an absolute terrible mother. Journey's been doing normal ASD things...well, normal for her anyway. Watching Aristocats a million times, talking in kitty talk...stuff she's always done. The reason I'm a horrible mother? I've been trying to get her to stop doing these things. I know, I'm terrible. I feel absolutely awful about it now that I look at it. It's what everyone else wants her to do too. They all want her to stop watching Aristocats a million times. They all want her to stop talking in kitty talk. They all want her to stop quoting movie lines, or making purring noises when she's happy. And when I say they, I mean EVERYBODY. Friends, teachers, speech therapists, family members...everyone. I feel bad, because I was one of them too. I wanted her to stop doing the weird things she was doing. Why does she have to greet someone with a meow and a sniff? Can't she tell they think she's weird? And I know, it all stems from the best of intentions. We want her to be liked, not made fun of, not picked on, for being this way. We want her to have some semblance of conformity so she can integrate with the other kids, and they won't have to point out her flaws, or revel in teasing her over her odd behaviors. When Ryan tried to get her to stop watching Aristocats, she melted down. I had to hold her and talk quietly to her and after I told Ryan to lay off her, and let her watch it, she was okay again. Who are we to take it from her? This is her comfort, this is what helps her when she's had a bad day, or what keeps her engaged, this is something structured, something familiar. We all know ASD kids crave routine. This is no different. Once I realized this, I got over her watching it over and over again, and just let her get on with it. It's her necessity, and who am I to take it away from her? Last night, we were at Ryan's Spring band concert, and she was meowing and purring and responding to questions in meows. Her usual kitty talk. Two little kids were staring at her, and I faltered. I asked her to please stop kitty talking and use her normal voice. Quietly, she slid down the chair, tears in her eyes, and tried to hide. I felt so horrible after that. Just because some kids were staring, I was asking my daughter to stop doing what makes her her, doing what she feels comfortable with, doing what helps her cope in situations she can't control. I was taking this away from her. I looked at her, crumpled with tears in her eyes, and my heart broke. I hugged her quickly to me, and told her "I'm so sorry baby, I didn't mean to hurt you. I know you need to kitty talk right now. If you need to, you do it okay? I don't care what anyone else says." She nodded and responded in a meow. The rest of the night, she was more relived, and willing to pay attention to the concert. And just like that, it came to me. Why should I have to ask Journey to conform to the world? Why can't the world just be tolerating to Journey? If she had trouble walking, would I make her walk just to fit in with the other kids, or would I allow her the walker or the wheelchair, her comfort? It's just like any other special need. I wouldn't take away what she needs in order to thrive in the world just to suit some people that barely know her, why would I do it now? Why do I have to alter her to fit society's needs, when her needs have to be put on a backburner, and she has to suffer the consequences? It's not right, and it's not fair. Though it pains me so much to think that she may become the butt of someone's joke, I don't want to change her. Talking about cats makes her comfortable. I don't care that people don't want to hear about different kinds of cats, or what she would name her cats if she had them. I don't care if they don't want to hear about Hello Kitty and all the new places that Hello Kitty places are popping up. I don't care that she watches Aristocats over and over and over again. I don't care that she meows and sniffs. I just don't. It's comforting to her, it's familiar to her. It's routine for her. She has friends right now that understand. They may think it's a little strange, but they stand by her. There may be a time when no one stands with her, and she's left for herself, and I will be pissed that day, but I will stand in her corner and fight for what is right for her. Why should I change my daughter for you to make YOU feel more comfortable? She needs to feel comfortable too. That's her right, and as her mother, I'm going to do anything in my power to allow her to be comfortable. And so it begins. Kids already are starting to notice the difference. I don't know if it's because it's more pronounced now, or if it's because she's doing it more, or if it's because the kids are starting to get older and she's still doing it, but they're noticing. They haven't said anything yet thank God, but they're noticing. I don't want her to get picked on...but I don't want to force her to conform. |
| So, today is Mother's Day. I have three people to thank that I get to celebrate this holiday as a mother, and that would be none other than my husband (who helped me make the children hehehe), and the children that I grew, birthed and am raising that helped make me a mother. Today, I'm going to ask the kids some questions, and see what they have to say about me, and Mother's Day. Shall we? Here we go! What's your favorite thing about me being your mom? Ryan: Just having you as my mom. Me: No one understands you better? Ryan: Hmmmmm, I guess? Journey: *Hugs me* This. Me: The hugs? Journey: Yes, and the kisses! Who would you pick to be your mom for the day if you could? Ryan: I wouldn't go with anyone besides you. (He's so sweet!) Journey: Just you! What's your favorite memory of you and me together? Ryan: Ummmm, I can't remember anything (this kid's memory SUCKS.) Me: how about I tell you about a memory I have of you and me? Ryan: Okay. Me: I remember when you were little, and we used to watch "Snow" (Family Feud) together, and we used to play picnic with your plastic food. Journey: The time we had a tea party with Ryan's Lightning McQueen table. (I told her I blogged about it.) Really? What would you change about me? Ryan: Well, you're strict, but that helped raise us good so....Me: what about being hard on you for your grades? Ryan: Yeah, let's go with that! (Then we had a deep discussion about why I'm hard on them about their grades.) Journey: Nuttin'. What's something you want me to do as you get older? Ryan: Be less aggressive...is that the right term? Journey: Be here for me. What are you looking forward to us doing in the future? Ryan: More sarcasm! Me: Really? What else? Ryan: *blank stare* Me: What about getting to drive? Ryan: Oh yeah, that's true. Journey: Taking care of our future cat! Me: Dixon is our future cat! Journey: Oh! Then learning how to drive. What's one thing you wish for me as your mom? Ryan: A long, happy life. Me: You're so sweet! Journey: Ummmm... Me: To go with you to Cat Island? Journey: YES!!! WE MUST GO TO CAT ISLAND! What's something you've always wanted to tell me? Ryan: *Hugs me* That I love you, from the bottom of my heart. Journey: That I will love you forever! And that, my friends, is truly the best reason I could ever become a mother for. My children, every day, give me a chance to grow to be a better mother than the one I was today. I will fail sometimes. I will make mistakes. But I hope my kids will forgive me and know that I would do whatever I could for them. I will always be there for them, and I will always be their biggest supporter. From me to all you moms out there, Happy Mother's Day! |
| Sometimes, if you're not around Journey long, you can't really tell that she's autistic. She doesn't have a whole lot of repetitive behaviors that you would notice that well (she picks at her bracelet, and puts lip balm on all the time, but it seems like a normal thing a little girl would do), and though she gasps in between words, she will hold a 5 minute conversation with you, and even look you in the face at first! So yeah, regular people can't really tell all that well. At most, they think she's a quirky little girl, and I'm fine with that. I don't go around parading that she's autistic, but at the same time, if someone notices something and asks, I will confirm it for them. To those of us around her though, we know. We can tell. They say there's "classic" symptoms of autism, but I personally feel that each case is unique and different in its own way. Some symptoms, many kids have, some other symptoms, some kids don't. There's no right or wrong way to be autistic. Here are some of the ways you can tell that she is:  She is completely obsessed with only three movies. God help me if those three movies are removed from Netflix. We watch the Aristocats, Emperor's New Groove and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 on a very consistent basis. Currently, she's on her loop of the Aristocats. She's been watching this movie up to six times a day, every day, for the last month. How long will this last? I don't know. One day she could wake up and decide it's time for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 again, and go on a tear watching that one instead. Either way, if she's watching a movie, it's GOT to be one of those three. Otherwise, she's not having it. Ryan tempted the fates today to see if she would stop watching the Aristocats, and she almost broke down over it. He told her to watch something different, and she almost tried...until he said it couldn't be Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, or Emperor's New Groove. She about lost it there, crying out "Mom said I can watch it! Mom said! I want to watch it! I need to watch it, okay?" I told Ryan to lay off her, and he did, and she went back to watching. Bedtime routine, ALWAYS consistent. Some things she has allowed to change, but some things must always remain the same. She's okay now if Don or I don't brush her teeth; we let her do it instead. She's almost 9, it's about time she learned how to do it. I had to wait until her fine motor skills were stronger before I could let her try. She's getting by. She'll get better as time progresses. She was over the moon about the opportunity to do it for herself though-she never wants to miss out proving she can do something she's always wanted to try. When we give her permission to do something like make blueberry muffins with very little help from me, or letting her wash dishes, or letting her brush her own teeth, she gets very excited. Also, we've moved away from doing Hello Kitty Cafe with Candy Hello Kitty. She had me play that with her from the time she was 4 till just three months ago. I don't know why she decided to end it, but she did, and I'm okay with that. We sit and talk now, which I find nice. Everything else though, all the same. We've got to make the bed the same way every night. She has to have the same four blankets, a sheet and her comforter on her, every night. (Quick insert-she needs this many blankets not because she's cold [although she does get cold very easily], she needs them for the weight. The feeling of being weighed down while she sleeps is comforting and grounding to her.) Same CD has to be playing, every night. We almost had a scare last week, because her CD player was acting up, not reading the CD. I thought the CD was kaput, and I told her so, and she just lost it. She was sobbing uncontrollably, begging me to fix it. "I have to have it Mama, I need it" she kept saying over and over. I messed around with the player a little, and got it to work again. Crisis averted. I decided to try and make another CD with the same songs on it for her in case the original one goes out, but for some reason, that CD player wouldn't read the new disk. Again, we'll deal with this problem when it comes to it. God help me if that CD player ever breaks down.She also requires her lights-her nightlight that stays on all through the night, and the string of garden lights that Jen bought her that I strung up in her room against her walls. Thank God for Jen and those lights. It was seriously a real bitch trying to get her to go to bed before she got those lights. Ever since then, it's been a lot easier to get her into her room, turn out the big light, and let her lay in bed. The obsessive bracelet picking/lip balm putting on. We don't notice this as often, because she's been doing it for ages, but every once in awhile, when we meet with someone we don't really see all that often, they'll watch, and they'll see it. It's not a big deal, but I'm sure from their eyes it's kinda...interesting. Social cues. We're working hard on this still. We're into year 5 getting this worked on. She's come such a long way though! It used to be, if you introduced yourself, or tried to talk to her, she'd look and then dart her eyes away very quickly, and not say a word. We've worked very hard with her to get her to hold a 5 minute conversation with you, and look at you while you talk. It took a LOT of training. Every once in awhile, she won't look at you, or she'll be short with answers, but mostly, she'll make eye contact at least once, hold a 5 minute conversation. Extending it farther than that doesn't happen all that often, but at least she gives you that. It's better than nothing. I'm thrilled with it! If she knows you, she'll open up a little bit more with some prompting, but things come in spurts. Sometimes she doesn't have much to say, and other times she's a fountain of information. It all depends on the day and who you are I suppose. Her cat/Hello Kitty obsession. Everything must be kitties or Hello Kitty. She wanted a kitten birthday party this year, but I told her we were having it at Sweet Frog instead. She reluctantly agreed. Not to say that she doesn't like Sweet Frog; on the contrary, she loves it. She just really wanted a kitten birthday party. I just decided not to go that route this year. Everything is kitty related or Hello Kitty related though. Everything she owns is pretty much in those two realms. I don't begrudge her, It's her thing, and I'm fine with that. Most people don't know about it unless they ask her questions about it, or she's got more than one thing that's Hello Kitty/kitty on or with her. Lack of sleep. It takes Journey FOREVER to get to sleep. We go to bed late as it is, and around 11:30 pm, we can hear her talking, her lights still on, and smell the dry erase markers while she's drawing pictures. Trust me when I say, this is an amazing feat to get her to stay in her room and be quiet. She used to sit in bed crying her eyes out, waiting for one of us to come see her and lay with her. She wouldn't fall asleep, but she needed someone there. She'd get out of bed constantly, looking for someone. We finally got her to stay in bed these last couple of years. I told her as long as she doesn't get out of bed, and she stays quiet, she can stay up for however long she needs to. She was pleased to hear this agreement, and has been doing well with it ever since. She's always had trouble sleeping her whole life, since she was a baby, so I'm worried that all this lack of sleep is messing with her, but she seems to be fine by morning. Maybe she just requires less sleep than everyone else. Most autism parents are quick to jump to the melatonin, but because she doesn't seem affected by it, and because our system seems to work, I'm not going to bother with it. Unless she's really insomniac to the point where it's causing problems, then I'll let her deal her way naturally. Wandering away from play. To this day, she still wanders away from playing with friends. Her friends have learned to accept it and go along with it. Sometimes, they'll follow her and keep trying to engage her. Sometimes they're successful. Sometimes not. It all depends on how Journey's feeling that day. As much as we try to get her to understand that you can stay playing with your friends for the whole time of recess, she still just wanders off, finding something else to do. She's getting better about being in the classroom though and holding conversations. She's very familiar with everyone, and feels comfortable in the classroom, so she's more willing to reciprocate conversation for a small stretch of time. Sometimes though, Journey just likes it in her own little world. She's even that way here at home. Ryan could be in the middle of a game with her, and she'll just get up and walk off. Not to offend Ryan, but she's just that way. Ryan's used to it though. Been that way most of her life. She prefers her own company for the most part. I'll catch her playing in her room with her door closed a lot. Other routines. Homework is always the same four assignments (she chose this; her teacher merely suggested what she could do, and she chose the ones she wanted. She always does them all the same. And always in the same order.), the same three websites, and the same half hour a day for multiplication cards. She is NOT a happy camper if any of these are missed. We cannot go anywhere until she has her homework finished. (Ryan on the other hand couldn't care less. I make sure that he does care though, or electronics are off the table.) Always the same. Always need to be done. Each one is given a specific day, and if we try to talk her into doing something else that day, she has a fit. Always the same snacks or meals. Journey isn't picky, per se, but she does have a certain amount of what she'll allow in her mouth and what she won't. Her snacks are no different. Each day, she gets to choose from a Nature Valley granola bar, a Quaker chewy granola bar, Lance snack crackers (only the cheese kind, no others), Teddy Grahams (only cinnamon, no others) breadstick Handi-snacks, and bananas. We tried to introduce apples into her diet, but she'll only eat them if they're sliced, without the peel, and if they're red apples. Otherwise, no go. She's very particular. Most ASD kids, I've heard, are extremely picky. I've kinda worked that out of her a bit (she eats just about everything I make, sans maybe three dinners), but sometimes, she can be. She's very particular in restaurants. She will order the same things from each restaurant we frequent, and she knows their menu back and forth, but still only picks the same one or two things off the menu. We finally, after 7 years, got her to order and eat a cheeseburger from Bob Evans. I was so thrilled the night she did it, I about did a cartwheel in the middle of the restaurant. Sometimes, after a few years, she gives us a victory like that. It's nice. Sensory issues. To this day, Journey cannot tolerate the sounds of the air siren next to our house, or the sound of sirens on ambulances, fire trucks and police vehicles if they are close in the vicinity. She still gets shaken up at school with the sound of the fire drill (she's usually in tears over it, and has to be guided out by a teacher). The cacophony of the cafeteria and the gym bother her, but she works hard to go through eating lunch and gym time. To this day, she can't tolerate the sound of lawn mowers, leaf blowers, vacuum cleaners, and hair dryers. We had to get rid of our hair dryer for this very reason. I only vacuum when she's at school. Summers are brutal, with our carpet covered in crumbs, because she's so terrified of that sound, and I don't want to put her into a set of sobbing uncontrollably. Surprisingly, she is handling the sound of school recorders quite well in her music class (at least, this is what her music teacher tells me anyway), although when any of my girls play a recorder during our Brownie meetings, she freaks out. Perhaps the girls are just playing too hard, I'm not sure. Her recorder concert is going to be May 22nd, and I'm curious to see how she's going to react to all those recorders going off at the same time with the whole 3rd grade. I'll be paying very close attention, and if she freaks out, I'll grab her and take her out to the hall so she can compose herself and get away from the noise that's bothering her. Sight and smell are also catalysts, but they don't nearly play as big a role as sound does. She's terrified of bright flashes, so if there's a flash going off on the camera, chances are, you're not going to get a shot of her looking at you. We took her to a Japanese steakhouse a couple of months ago, and that was the first time she had a meltdown in I'm not sure how long. Everything overwhelmed and assaulted her, the bright flash of the fire, the loud chopping and sizzle, the call of the man who ran the hibachi grill, the smell of the food, it was all just too much for her. She was sobbing into my chest while the show went on. I was so stupid to sit there, instead of taking her away from there and giving her some relief. She was already gone over the whole experience, that when it came time to try the food, thus the taste and texture of the food was just too much. We boxed it up, and left. I promised her that I would never take her back there, and she hugged me and thanked me. Ironically, her big 3rd grade field trip is to the same Japanese steak house that we took her to, so when the permission slips came around, I informed her teacher that she would not be going, and gave her the back story about why. Her teacher, God love her, is an expert with special needs kids, and knew that the best thing to do for her that day was allow her to stay behind and watch a movie in another classroom while they went on the field trip. These are mostly the things that are made up of how she is. These are the signs, and although you may not see them right away, or you may not notice them, they are there, and they stand as a reminder that yes, she is on the spectrum. |
| Body shaming is not just an ideal, it's a culture. It's one we've all been duped into thinking is correct. Every woman is to strive for a size 2 waist. Every man needs to be the sturdy 32 inch waist. This is the standard. Everyone should try to meet that standard, right? To be aesthetically pleasing, you need to be thin, everyone says. Fat people, they're not happy people. They're miserable people. And you don't want to be miserable, right? So be thin! And keep striving to be thin, all of your life! And never settle for anything less! I call bullshit on this. So someone explain to me why bodies come in all different shapes and sizes, if we're all meant to be size 2 or a 32 inch waist? For some, that goal is totally unattainable. Our bodies are simply made in different ways. Each gains muscle in a different way. Each stores fat in a different way. Everyone's metabolism works different. I know, I used to be that way when I was younger. I was a teenager that said "I'm so fat". My body has always been thicker; the smallest size I've ever been is a size 9. When I was a size 9, I felt like a cow, and then, as my size went up, I felt worse. Why? Why did my body have to be so pudgy? Why did I have to have such large breasts? Why were my thighs so thick? The horrors!! I would never be as pretty as the other thinner girls! I would never be as aesthetically pleasing. How would I ever find a date?! Here and now, I'm over it. And no, it's not because "I already have the husband, so I don't have to try as hard". (Trust me, I've heard that one.) I'm over it because, I'm fine with who I am. And I know, I'm fat. And I know, it's going to piss a lot of people off. "Who does she think she is?! Look at how fat she is! How can she be happy? Doesn't she know her husband would leave her if she doesn't lose the weight? Doesn't she realize the last baby she had was 9 years ago?! The NERVE of that woman!" And you know what? I just don't care what anyone says. At all. I don't. I'm over being judged for my weight. Look, I get it. I should look to lose more weight so I can get healthier. But here's the thing, the more meds I use to try and regulate, the fatter I get, and the fatter I get, the more meds I have to use to regulate. It's a vicious cycle. So you know what? FUCK IT. If I lose weight, I lose weight, if I don't, not a big deal. I'm not going to be any more or less miserable or happy being one way or the other. I just AM. My body is because it has a slow metabolism, because it's thick to begin with, and because I've grown and birthed two children. So why should I beat myself up that I don't look like the mom down the street who has flat abs and gave birth to four? Her body is different than mine. Big deal. I'm sure she has insecurities of her own to deal with. My best friend posts things from a Facebook group called "The Body Is Not An Apology" all the time, and it's so...liberating. You mean, I can be me and still look this way? OH MY GOD! It's a miracle! So, I’ve taken it upon myself to remove the words “skinny”, “fat”, “pudgy” “rail thin” out of my vocabulary. When I discuss bodies with my kids, I tell them that theirs are growing big and strong. Food is not a taboo subject in my house. I try to keep the snacks as healthy as I can, and although I don’t condone eating snacks all day long (for both Journey and Ryan), I’ve explained to both of them that they should eat to fuel their bodies, until they feel they’ve eaten enough, and then they should stop. I try to set a good example, and make it so I don’t gorge myself, but also I don’t starve myself. “Food is fuel”, I explained to them. It can be delicious fuel. But they need to eat when they’re hungry, because their bodies are still growing. I’ve been working on body appreciation with Journey since she was tiny, because I don’t want her to fall into that trap, believing that she has to be a size 0 her whole life in order to be anything in this world. She may gain weight. She may have kids, she may get stretch marks, or she may have something physically happen to her, like I did when I dislocated my knee cap and took three tendons with it, thus inhibiting my mobility. Don’t get me wrong, I still walk. Every weekday I still walk. Does it pain me to do it? Yes. Do I do it anyway? You betcha. Exercise is important to maintaining a healthy body. I’ve told that to both my kids. Being active keeps your body healthy. Eating keeps your body healthy. Sleeping keeps your body healthy. Am I going to deny them a brownie or a chocolate chip cookie every once in awhile? NO! They’re allowed treats! In fact, if you shun treats, that makes them even more tempting, and could lead to gorging on them when given the chance. Like I said, nothing about eating is taboo in my house. I don’t want or need my kids to get an eating disorder just because I limit their food intake, or I force them on some sort of Paleo diet. Do I limit their fat and sugar intake? Yes, but I don’t stop them from completely having any of it. Journey has only known her body as healthy and strong. One time, Don made the mistake right in front of me of calling Journey a “skinny mini”, to which Journey replied indignantly “I am not! I’m healthy and strong!” I couldn’t have been more proud of her. That’s all she needs to know, that her body is healthy and strong. Ryan was lamenting a couple of nights ago about how he was soft in the middle. I told him not to concern himself with it. “Bodies change as they grow,” I advised him. “Sometimes they’re a little thick, sometimes they thin out. It’s going to happen to you often, fluctuating between the two. You’re a growing boy. You get exercise playing soccer and being in gym at school and playing at recess every day. You walk every day. Sometimes you’ll be a little softer in the middle, sometimes you won’t. It just depends on how your body is growing. Don’t make a big deal out of it, and if someone says something to you, tell them to mind their own business.” I want to give my kids the gift of loving their bodies. Of not being afraid of it, and not listening to what anyone else says about it or them. Bodies are amazing things. They can do all sorts of things, like walk, run, jump, climb, lift, carry, hug, etc. Bodies are nothing to be ashamed of. I’m trying to teach them this at home so they’ll carry it with them as they grow older and leave my house. I’ve come to peace with my body. I don’t hate it. Journey and I were talking one night, and I asked her what her favorite thing her body could do was. “Jumping”, she told me. “Mama, what’s your favorite thing about your body?” I smiled and told her “Growing and birthing two kids in my body. That’s an amazing thing for a body to do, you know?” She giggled, and we said good night. And that, that’s no more than I can ask for. Every body is different. There are many different bodies in this world. Why not love the one you have? It’s all you’ve got in this life. Life is too short to be lamenting over your thighs, or your waist, or your arms. Too short, too long, too fat, too wide, too scarred, too anything. Does it really matter? Our bodies are merely shells of who we really are anyway. Does my body say that I’m any less caring and kind than I already am? Does it say that I don’t love with my whole heart? I don’t think so. And I feel as if, If I look past what I used to believe were the horrors of my body, then other people will too. MOST people don’t make a big deal over the size of your body unless you give them the ammunition to do so. If you love yourself and love those around you, they’ll look past whatever hang ups you have, and love you for who you are. |
| Don's and my 12th wedding anniversary is on Monday, so to celebrate the occasion, I asked Don to take a few days off work so we could spend some time with each other (he took Thursday, Friday and Monday off), and tonight we're going out to dinner to celebrate. It's not a fancy affair this time (no Red Lobster for us tonight), but it's a nice thing to get out and have dinner together and not have to drag the kids with us. We have a friend looking after the kids tonight, and it will be nice just to spend dinner together, him and me. Maybe we'll walk around somewhere, burn dinner off. I'm running out of ideas for my girls and the meetings lately. We've just earned two badges in a matter of four weeks, and I can't possibly think of any more badges that we can do with the little time we have, or that we can afford now that I've bought my girls all journals and fancy pens. I'm glad I could get them the gifts though. I know it's not very original (as it's the same gift I got them last year), but one of my girls lamented that she wished the troop could make memory books of the last two years, so I thought it would be a good opportunity. Plus, I've been letting them use my most prized pens to write in the Daisy memory books, and I figured they would love their very own. However, it did cost a good chunk of money to get these, so it didn't leave us a whole lot to spend on anything else. That's okay though, because you're supposed to spend all your money on the girls, so spend all the money on the girls, I did. We still have to iron out the details on the bridging ceremony in June. We're looking into a particular park that rarely gets used, but I haven't heard any information on it just yet. I hope to get more information when May comes. We also still have the bridging requirement to meet with the Daisies on May 18th, and have our spa day at the kids spa on May 30th. Lots to sill look forward to. Hopefully my journals for the girls come in soon. I hate having to wait for things. I'm so impatient. Off for now, going to get ready to go out tonight. |
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