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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Yesterday, we had the privilege of touring the National Aquarium in Baltimore, thanks in part to my Brownie girls' cookie selling skills. Although all older siblings had to pay full price, the adults were discounted deeply, and the girls themselves were paid for by the troop's money. My girls earned over $1000 selling cookies. Because they did so well, we were able to sign up for two rewards, one of them being the aquarium yesterday, and the other being a spa day at a kids spa that we're going to at the end of May. My girls certainly earned their way to these events! I'm very proud of them! This was the first time that the kids and I have been to the aquarium, and for Don, it's been 20 years. There were plenty of interesting habitats to see, with lots of different fresh water and salt water creatures to look at. We had lunch there (which was slightly pricey), stopped for snacks, and spent a small fortune at the gift shop. It was worth it though, as I don't think we'll ever be able to make it back again. We got special group discounts, making the prices anywhere between $5-$8 cheaper than they would be if we just toured for the day ourselves. Other than tax time, I can't see us being able to afford gas, parking, meals, tickets (nevermind snacks and the gift shop) to get up there again. We made the most of it yesterday. I'm glad Friday's check was a free check, so we were able to spend some money there. We ended up getting some water bottles, Ryan got a seal plush and a lenticular keychain with his name on it, I got a lenticular keychain with my name on it, and Journey got a pink penguin plush she named Puffy, and a beautiful pink dolphin necklace with pink jewels in the dolphin. She took off her other necklace to wear the dolphin necklace instead (and I don't blame her, I would too!). The experience was amazing. I'm not one who finds a lot of interest in staring at fish all day (to be honest, I don't find them very fascinating), but there were so many different exhibits, with all kinds of different things. There were also crabs, and shrimp, octopi, sea turtles, sharks, frogs, cayman, and even an exhibit with birds, tamarinds and a sloth! All in all, a great experience. We missed out on the jellyfish exhibit and the Australian exhibit, but I think we were very tired after all that walking and sight seeing! We left the aquarium at 4 pm, and headed home. We didn't happen to run into any of the other girls and their families, but I hope everyone had a good time. I saw a few families post pictures, so it looks like they enjoyed the experience as well. Tomorrow night, my girls have part of their bridging requirement to fulfill, by visiting with a Junior troop. The troop leader (whom I am friends with), says her girls are very excited to share their experiences as Juniors with my girls. I'm very excited for them to talk to my girls about what being a Junior has been like. Not only is her troop telling my girls about being Juniors, but they've decided to make it an ice cream social for my girls as well, which I'm extremely grateful for! It's going to be quite a memory for my girls to have! We will continue to work on our pets badge, and I'm asking for it to be turned in by this week. We'll be planning on what we'll do next after all our pets badge paperwork has been turned in. I'm hoping to get some notebooks for my girls to make memory books of their Brownie year together! (edit: I did just that.) I hope the rest of the year goes by happily! |
| I did something today with Journey that I never have with Ryan, in all his (almost) 12 years. I let Journey ride her friend's bus to go home with her for an after school play date. I am utterly shocked an amazed that I went through with this. As protective as I am with Ryan, I am a thousand more times protective with Journey. Ryan asked me why I never let him do it, I said because he never had a reason or a time to. When he was friends with Zach, he always went over on the weekends. I know that when he was 8, that was the first time I let him spend the night at someone's house, and I was terrified of it. The initial shock of it wore off of me, and now, Ryan spends the night at Rory's house all the time. (I know his parents really well though. That's why.) I've even allowed Ryan to spend a weekend at Rory's house while we went to Virginia to stay with Jen for the weekend. Shocker, right? I mean, I'm not usually this kind of person. I absolutely do not like asking people to baby sit my kids. I don't want to put a burden on them. Those who offer though, I appreciate. When Don and I spent the weekend at a bed and breakfast in Fredericksburg, the kids stayed the weekend with Jen. I knew they were safe, because I've known Jen and her family forever, and I know Jen treats my kids as her own when she has them. I'm okay with all of this because I know the people well, and I know I can trust them with my child. Ryan's pretty much been dropped off, picked up, or we met up at the park for all his play dates. We've never really had the opportunity for Ryan to ride the bus with his friend to his friend's house after school. In fact, James doesn't even go to the same school, and Ryan's not friends with Zach anymore. I suppose he could ride the bus home with Rory, but I don't know how Rory's parents would feel about that. I don't want to broach the subject, as there's never been a need for Ryan to ride the bus to Rory's house for a play date. Usually, Rory gets permission from his parents, and calls Ryan up on the weekend, and asks him if he'd like to come over for a couple of hours. We agree to the time, Don or I drop him off at Rory's place, and then a few hours later, we go pick him up. When he's invited to James's house, sometimes K comes and picks up Ryan, and also drops him off, or sometimes we meet at the park, and let Ryan and James hang out while K and I talk for awhile. This, this is a whole new animal though. My friend Melissa (who is also many other things to me as well, like my go to mom for Girl Scouts, etc.) has four kids, including her daughter Grace, who is in Journey's class. Journey and Grace have been very good friends since they were in Pre-K together at 4 and 5. Considering they're 8 and 9 now, that's a pretty good time of friendship I'd say. I've known Melissa for just as long, so we're very comfortable with each other. I've brought Journey by Melissa and Grace's house for many play dates, and when Melissa has her pool open, she usually invites all the girls from the troop to come over and swim during the first part of the summer. Needless to say, I'm very well versed on Melissa's house! We've been discussing getting the girls together for a play date for awhile. Because Melissa has four kids (two teenagers and two elementary school age kids), the kids have a million different things going on, so it's hard to schedule some time for them to have play dates. Every weekend, there's always something going on that she has to go somewhere or do something, so we've had to hold off on a play date for months now. Finally, Melissa shot me the idea of having Journey ride the bus home with Grace to go to Grace's house for a play date after school. Now, I don't have the car (Don's at work with it), but Melissa lives just 8 minutes up the road from me. She's almost right next to the middle school, and yes, the middle school is kinda close to us (not as close as the elementary school, which is literally all of 2 blocks away from us, which is why we walk there most days.). So I know I'm not too far from her, and I know that if there is an emergency, Melissa would be quick to bring her home, or take her to the hospital (which is a 15 minute walk away from my house) and let me know. So, within the span of say, 5 minutes, I weighed the options. Grace has been dying to have Journey over since December, and we've never found the time or way to do it, what with all the activities the kids have, and Girl Scout things taking up weekends as well. It's definitely hard to fit in a play date when there are so many things going on. Today was actually a good day to do it, because the two younger kids don't have any activities planned for this afternoon (but they do tomorrow). I know Melissa really well. I've known Grace's family for forever, and I know that Melissa would take the utmost care of Journey while she was out of my presence. So, I nodded my head and agreed to it. I wrote a note to the school secretaries and an email to their teacher to let them all know that Journey would be riding the bus home with Grace to Grace's house after school. I won't lie to you though, I was worried about how she would handle it. The good part of it was, Grace and her little sister were on the bus with her, so it's not like she was riding alone and didn't know where to get off. Melissa was there at the bus stop to receive them, and they went into the house to start their play date. Melissa called me to let me know that Journey made it okay, and what they were currently up to, and that she would give her a snack. I almost cried, how grateful I was that she called me to let me know. I was going to call her, but decided that I didn't want to come off as a helicopter parent (although I'm pretty sure most of the people that know me and my kids know that I am.), so I didn't call. (That, and I also accidentally deleted her phone number off the caller ID, shit! That's okay though, cause when she called to tell me that Journey made it okay and what they were doing, I saved her home number in the caller directory!). I'm so glad she called me and told me though, she must know me better than I thought she did! I called Don, who is having quite a day himself (and it's not over, as he has soccer practice to run tonight, and Ryan better kick it into high gear to get his soccer gear on) to remind him to pick up Journey after work, which he almost forgot about. I would've been very upset with him. I will let her part ways with me for only little amounts of time, but not longer than that. (I don't think I could handle it if she ever went to Girl Scout sleep away camp. Oh my God. I'd probably cry.) But, the biggest cause into this was, in fact, when she went to Girl Scout day camp a couple of years ago. I let her ride on a school bus with other girls she barely knew, all the way to a camp in Charlotte Hall which I had NO IDEA where it was (I would've been up shit creek if they called me to tell me she had an emergency and they needed me to come pick her up) for an entire week, without me. When she was 6. So yeah, if I was willing to let her do that at 6, I didn't see any reason to say no to letting her ride the bus with Grace to Grace's house. Don will be getting off work in about 6 minutes, and then it's a decent commute to get here home to us. He will be picking up Journey from Grace's house on his way home from work, and then he'll head here to change into his coaching clothes for the soccer team. I cannot wait to hear what Journey has to say about riding the bus with Grace, and what she did at Grace's house, and the kind of snack she had. I'm very excited for her! Melissa advised me that this is probably the best way to do a play date, because the family's schedule is crazy busy, so any time the girls have to themselves at home is precious. Journey always loves going to Grace's house (especially seeing all 7 of her cats!), and Grace loves having Journey over, and Melissa is very happy to let Journey come over and hang out for awhile. So, even though I was a little nervous and apprehensive at first, I think I'm cool with this happening for quite some time, as long as it's good with Melissa and Grace.  |
| I've been waiting for this day since the day she was able to decide what she liked and didn't like. I knew it was coming, I just wasn't sure how I was going to approach it. Young girls usually look for someone to emulate, and though I wanted to be that figure for her, I also wanted her to like what she likes, and be okay with that. Young girls have it tough. They want to like what they like, and be interested in what they're interested in, but they also feel like they have to conform, and fit in with the crowd of other girls. "Oh, you like green? You're weird", or "Why do you always wear skirts?" Girls can be very judgmental, and it's exhausting on girls. They all just want to fit in, and be liked, so they try to conform, and it's a real shame that they do. I'm trying to teach my Brownie girls to stand out, and not be ashamed of what they're interested in, or be embarrassed by what they like. It's their life, they can enjoy whatever it is that they're into (within reason of course). Journey has never been one to conform to the standards of other girls. She definitely dances to the beat of her own drum, and for that, I'm very proud of her. However, she tries to emulate me as much as possible, and though I'm flattered, I get concerned. She and I have different likes and dislikes on some things, and though we are very alike for the most part, some things are what makes us stand out. The other night, we were digging through her closet to decide which of her 31 dresses she wanted to wear to school the next day. Journey absolutely ADORES dresses, and I'm perfectly fine with this. I'm so fine with it, that I buy her dresses all the time. This year, 31 of them. (I went a little overboard on the clothes and shoe shopping...). However, I am not a big fan of dresses for myself. I feel very uncomfortable in a dress or skirt. I've been that way since I was 7 years old. My mom would always try to put me in a dress, and I hated them. I begged her to just let me wear pants, or shorts. She finally caved when I was 8, and let me go on with my pants and shorts. I was very grateful for it. Don't get me wrong, I wore a dress to my graduation, and I wore a dress to prom, and I wore a dress for my wedding, but those were on my terms, my decision, and on an occasion I deemed appropriate. If I wear a dress, it will be on my terms, and to be honest, I'm not a very big fan, so it's very rare that I wear one. Journey, whom I am always surprised by what she takes in and deduces, asked me about it as we picked a dress out for her that night. "Mama, why don't you wear dresses?" I panicked. How could I answer this, without making her feel ashamed of her own preferences, and seeing that, even though she wants so bad to be like me, there's parts of me that she's not? If I could make it so she never felt ashamed of her own preferences, i would do it in a heartbeat. There are so many things like this that crush the self esteem of young girls. I didn't want her thinking she was wrong for liking dresses. It's part of who she is. I tried to think of what I could tell her, as she looked at me expectantly for an answer. "Well, to be honest Journ, I don't really like to wear dresses." I tried to leave it like that. "Why not?" She asked. "Well, to me, they're a little uncomfortable. I like pants and shorts much better. That's just me though. You can love dresses though! I think you look great in dresses and skirts!" She beamed at me. "I do love dresses," She proclaimed. "I'm glad to hear it," I felt relieved. A couple of nights later, we started talking about a similar topic, and how, again, we both preferred different things. "That's what makes you special Journey," I advised her. "You like what you like, okay? That makes you you!" "And that makes you you too Mama!" She proclaimed. We hugged on that. So, a couple of days ago, I got an idea to take an old journal of mine, and start writing things in it, the differences between Journey and I, and the likes that are the same. I wanted to do this to show her that, even though some things we like are different than each other, we're still a part of one another, and we will always be bonded no matter what. I wanted her to see that there was no need to be ashamed that she liked what she liked, and that, even though we like something different, that doesn't make her any less like me. We just prefer different things, and there's nothing wrong with that. I scrawled the title "Different and Alike, by Journey and Mama". There are pages in there that say things like "Journey likes dresses, Mama likes pants", and "Both Journey and Mama are left handed". "Journey likes snow, Mama likes rain", "Journey likes pink, Mama likes blue", "Both Journey and Mama love cats", and "Both Journey and Mama love cooking". Every day, she comes home, and she thinks about something we either like differently, or alike, and writes it down for me to put in the book. I hope this has empowered her to realize that even though she likes something different, there's nothing wrong with that, and that's just what makes her who she is. Journey and Mama, always. |
| Report cards came yesterday, and once more, I have two honor roll students. I'm extremely proud and impressed. Ryan, I was surprised about, because he has all B's and one A, whereas Journey has three B's and two A's. I told Ryan that I wanted him to try his best to get all A's this coming quarter, and to really push himself to be his best. He said he would try. I told Journey too that now that she's shown me that she can get A's and B's, I look forward to seeing mostly A's and B's on her report cards from here on out. I know it's going to be tough, and I know she's not great shakes at math, but I know I can count on her to do her very best and try really hard. When I had a conference with her teachers and speech pathologist, they informed that that I should look forward to grades ranging in A to C for Journey, which I can handle, but that also means that she's quite bright, and I should expect good things from her. The bar has been set, and now I'm looking forward to helping her get to that point. It's testing season over here, and as much as I disagree with standardized testing, I have no choice but to have the kids go through it. I advised both Journey and Ryan that this test cannot tell them how wonderful of human beings they are, how smart they are in different ways, how creative they are, how caring they are, how loving they are, and give the full picture of who they are. This test can only say that what they've been taught in class has been retained. That's it. I don't really care for the results, and I'm hoping that they don't hold the results against my kids. All that matters to me is that my kids grow up good citizens with caring hearts and helping hands. This test does not guarantee that they will grow up rich and successful, but there are other ways to measure success than just riches. I want my kids to be happy and healthy. A standardized test can't do that. It is what it is though, and I just have to grin and bear it. So far, the rooms have been staying clean. I keep on top of the kids every night to make sure their rooms are picked up before they go to bed. I'm happy to report that it's working so far. I kind of lost motivation to de-clutter the drawers, printer and desk so far. Cleaning is a social time for me, and I'm much better at doing so when I have people helping me. Even though the kids didn't help deep clean, they were still in there with me putting trash in trash bags and putting toys and books in boxes. When I'm the only one that's doing all the trash/store, I get bored, and want to quit. Don hasn't been home on a weekend during the time that I've been cleaning, as he's had many other things to do, so I can't ask him for help. Today, he and Ryan are out to a DC United game. It's just Journey and me at home, and Journey is quite preoccupied with her own things, so here I sit, writing a blog.  It's kind of nice to see Spring here now. Hopefully at some point we'll go out in it. I'd love a play date for the kids. We met up with Ryan's best friend the other day at the park, and I got to talk to my friend K once more. It was nice. I'd love to see more people some time soon. |
Easter is here, but it doesn't really matter to us. It's basically just another Sunday in our house now that the kids have outgrown the Easter Bunny. I don't make a fuss to try and get them Easter stuff for baskets anymore, and we don't dye eggs anymore because I'm the only person in the house that eats hard boiled eggs, and I'd really rather not have to work through a dozen hard boiled eggs for a week.  They don't hunt them either, because again, the Easter Bunny no longer exists. We're not the religious type, so there's really no bearing on this holiday for us to be honest. The fun got drained out of it when the kids said "There's no Easter Bunny".I followed through with my promise and began to clean the house this Spring Break. We started in the living room (which is starting to look like a disaster again, ugh), and then I decided to get Ryan and Journey in on the action, by cleaning their rooms. To be totally truthful with you, I did most of the cleaning in their rooms. Journey helped by trying on clothes, seeing what fit and what didn't, putting the clothes into each proper bag or on her bed (one bag for donation, one bag for Jen's daughter, and on the bed for the clothes that fit her), picking up all her stuffed animals, putting bracelets and necklaces in her Hello kitty tote bag, handing me the things I asked for, and throwing trash in the trash bag. Other than that, I busted ass cleaning that room. I was in there for four days, from 12 noon to 6 pm, and then again after dinner till 10 pm when I put them to bed. Seriously, her room was that much of a wreck that it needed 4 days of deep cleaning. I'm happy to report that her room is now in tip-top shape, and all my hard work paid off. Here's hoping she keeps it clean now. I told her that in order to keep it clean, she needs to put away everything she stopped playing with, and at the end of the night, a half hour before bed time, it's time to pick up and tidy her room, so it's nice and clean before bed. Ryan requires babysitting, as he gets easily distracted while cleaning up. I thought that since he's almost 12, he would be more able to clean his room without my supervision, but apparently not. I think he's like me, he gets overwhelmed and shuts down, not sure where to start or what to do. He's done good so far when I go in and give him direction. His room is almost clean, and after this blog, I will be going into his room to get everything else cleaned up. Now that the bug has hit me, I'm hoping it stays around awhile, so I can get the desk, the printer, and the drawers near the stairs cleaned off and organized. I'd very much like that. I've been very motivated lately, and I hope I stay that way. Off for now, the rooms are calling me. Luckily for all of us, dinner is in the crock pot, so when 6:30 rolls around, we'll be good to go. The kids have tomorrow off as well, so one more day to enjoy the kids being home, and then it's back to reality. Only 2 more months of this to go... |
| There is a song, by the band Linkin Park, that's called "Shadow of the Day". It's a very melancholy kind of song, and it talks about suicide. Ryan was in the room as I was downloading it to my iTunes, and it was playing. He was listening to the lyrics, and I sort of butted in, and told him "I like the song, but I don't like what the song conveys." "Why's that?" He asked. I paused for a moment. Should I delve into this topic with my soon to be 12 year old? Is it too early to start talking about suicide? No. It's not. "This song talks about how saying goodbye is the only way, and there are no simple solutions. The truth of it is, yes, there are no simple solutions, but you shouldn't use a permanent solution to a temporary problem, do you know what I mean?" He looked me in the eyes, and nodded. He understood. I hugged him close, and then I started crying, tears flowing down my face. "Ryan, please...if you ever feel that way, if you ever feel that no one loves you, or you're worthless, that the world would be better off without you, or that you have nothing to give, if you feel like nothing you do is right, or that people hate you, or that you'd rather die, please, come talk to me. I know how it feels. I know what it's like to believe that of yourself. Solutions may not be simple, but talking about this is helpful, it helps to have a person who gets it to talk to. Even if you can't talk to me right away, even if the words aren't there, write it out. Put everything to paper first, and then, when you feel like you've put it together enough, come to me, and tell me. I can help you. I've been there before, I know how it feels" He stood and stared at me, and my tear stained face, with silence. Finally, after what seemed like a thousand seconds, he quietly asked me, "How do you know?" It was finally time to let my secret out. "Ryan, I have bi-polar disorder. This means I switch from being excited and hyper and active and slightly aggressive when I'm up, to being really down and low when I'm depressed. I get depressed. It's happened to me since I was a young adult. I've lived with it for ages. Believe me when I say, I know how it feels." "Is that why you take so many pills?" He asked. "That's part of the reason. The other part is that I'm diabetic." I went on to explain to him how it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, and it doesn't mean that you can't function in normal life, especially when you're on a good medication and therapeutic regimen. I told him how I felt that my mom was never diagnosed, and how hard it was on us as a family. To this day, my mom refuses to believe that the behaviors she go through mimic a mental health issue, but that's for her to decide. When I was diagnosed, I made the choice to get therapy and find a medication regimen, so I could try to semblance some sort of normal, and try not to swing too far to the left or right with the family. I never wanted to be out of control, which is why I take my meds religiously, journal, and talk to my therapist once a month. "Will I be bi-polar too?" He asked. "It's hard to say," I answered truthfully. "There's a possibility that it's hereditary, but there's a chance you won't be affected by it at all." I informed him. He nodded. "Can I ask you a favor?" I asked. "Sure," he replied. "Please don't tell anyone. It's no one's business unless I make it their business. Mental illness is looked down on a lot in the public eye, and I don't want people questioning if I'm competent enough to be a parent, a Girl Scout leader, etcetra". He nodded. Unfortunately, I hate that it's this way. I hate that people have such stigmatized beliefs and feelings over mental illness, that it makes you have to hide who you are, and what you have. I'm scared to death to tell my Girl Scout parents, for the fear that they'll take their girls away from me. I don't make it widely known, because I'm afraid people will question my sanity, and put limitations on me. I don't want that, and I don't need their judgement. And yes, I'm sure some people could surprise me and be totally understanding and happy that I shared with them, but I'm too afraid of the worst right now. I also don't make it widely known that I'm blind in my left eye, but that's because it's never really limited me. Doctors told my parents that I would have a really hard time walking, that I would never be able to ride a bike, swim, drive a car, etc. And I proved them wrong. I do all that and more. I'm proving right now that I don't have many limitations being bi-polar either, but they don't know that I am, so they don't place limitations on me. This was a really tough conversation for me today, talking with Ryan. I hate saying this, because it shouldn't be true, but making him aware of this...it felt like I was admitting that I'm broken. I'm not as good as normal parents. I have to take meds and talk with a therapist to remain balanced. But then I also see that, choosing the path I've taken, I've decided to do what I can to make a better experience out of it. I'm taking care of the problem, and I'm making myself better. I guess, in a way, I'm doing some judging too-by thinking that other people have it so much easier or more "normal" than me. Maybe some do, maybe some don't. There are people everywhere that face battles I don't know about. In being scared of being judged, I've done judging myself, grading everyone as better than me, thinking they're perfectly fine. It's so hard. Maybe some day soon, I'll come out from hiding and tell everyone. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to let everyone know, and maybe they won't think less of me. It's all I can hope for...but right now, I'm not strong enough. |
| Spring is in the air...except for today, being 36 degrees. Absolutely chilly. It says it's going to rain tonight. Don is going to the DC United game, and he's probably going to get soaked to the bone and sick again. Good thing he still has medicine leftover from last time. Today we would've started off our trip to Ocean City. We would be in the car right now, on our way to the hotel. I'm super bummed that we're not going this year, but we don't want to leave Dixon behind just yet. He's only been at our house for a little over a month; that's not enough time to leave him in a kennel for over a week and bring him back. Besides, we wouldn't have been able to afford that anyway. Next year, we're hoping that Dixon is more acclimated to the household, and is more willing to go to a kennel for the week that we'll be spending in Ocean City. Most of our Ocean City funds this year were spent to make Dixon more comfortable, and to get him up to date at the vet. We're mostly staying home and cleaning this spring break. It's not fun, but it needs to be done. I'd rather be in Ocean City, but it is what it is, and we'll just make the best of it. Don's decided to work all through the break. I'm kinda bummed about that as well. I wish I could see him every day, but he feels it's more productive to go to work and get things done there since we're at home for spring break this year. I can sort of see his point. I asked him to take a few days off near our wedding anniversary at the end of April; he says he'll do what he can. I hope he does. I'd like to spend some time with him. I've attempted to set up play dates with the kids' friends during spring break. One of them won't be here, as they'll be traveling, and the other needs to work their schedule out to see if we can meet up. I can understand. Break means lots of people are busy, traveling, or doing things they don't normally get to do. I don't begrudge them. Ryan's soccer is about to start up. Don is coach once again, which I'm glad about. Ryan's excited for the season to start, and looks forward to practice. (I think he's dying to break in his new cleats to be honest!) I hope he enjoys this time. The season goes into early June. Other than that, not much going on. I may get on here to avoid cleaning if possible! |
| Journey has been attempting things that are a bit out of her comfort zone lately. Her teacher and I are unsure the reason behind this new bravery, but I'm very proud of her for trying. She's attempting to finish times tables in regular time, instead of extended. She's trying as hard as she can. We've been practicing flash cards of multiplication for a few weeks now, and every day she tries harder and harder to do it at a decent time. Her teacher is willing to give her extended time, because we know that sometimes it takes a few minutes for her brain to warm up and get ready to go, but she insists that she can do it without it. I applaud her for trying. I know it can't be easy, but she doesn't want to limit herself. The same goes for her spelling words. She's been picking more challenging ones the last couple of weeks. She may not get all the answers right on her spelling test, but she's trying really hard. She doesn't want to limit herself here either, and I think she wants to prove that she can do hard words like anyone else in her class. She wants to do the best she can, and she won't hold herself back to what her IEP expectations are. She wants to push herself. I'm extremely proud of her for this. Some kids don't know that they have limits, and they stay within their comfort zone. Some kids know that they have limits in place, and are scared to reach out of their comfort zone. Journey seems to be aware that there are limits, but she wants to push them, and be limitless. I say, more power to her. She doesn't have to let the IEP limit how much she learns or where her pushing point is. She wants to find it herself. She may or may not make it, but it's the fact that she's trying that impresses me. I say, good for her! Some kids don't think to push those limits of expectation. She has her heart set on it. We held a meeting on Monday about how she's doing so far in 3rd grade. Her teacher and her special ed, speech therapist and special ed aides are very supportive of her. We discussed how she takes a little while to do things, and how we need to find a way to give her that time to finish things. Journey's pace has always been slow and steady, and there is nothing that can speed her up. Believe me, I've tried. Her teachers have tried. It's just the speed that she goes at. Once she gets on a roll, she's very hard to take off task, and she keeps rolling through it. There are times when the teacher has to tell her it's time to move on to another activity. She understands, but she'd rather have more time to complete the activity. I know that's not going to be the case as she gets to middle and high school, but maybe she can learn to up her pace a little as she gets older, or maybe they can work to put something in place to give her a little more time if she needs it as she gets older. Either way, it's good to know that her teachers and aides know that she's this way, and are helping her along. We also discussed her reading fluency, and how it's sitting kind of stagnant right now. They think that there's something going on with her speech that's causing her to be marked lower and take her time with it, and I agreed with it. Ever since she began talking more, she seems to have these spasms in her voice while she's talking. Sometimes, right in the middle of talking, she'll pause and take a deep breath, as though she's ran out of air. Sometimes she does a breath stutter while saying a word. "Ask" can turn into "aa-aa-sk" or "an-nn-d" instead of "and". I told the speech therapist I thought it was because her mind was working faster than her mouth, and the speech teacher agreed that could be the case. She also suggested it could be spasmodic dysphonia, a vocal tremor. I'm going to bring it up to her developmental pediatrician in June, and see what they think. We know that it's affecting her fluency tests. The reason that the testers aren't more concerned about it is because her accuracy is pin point. She gets a 64% on the fluency of her words, but her accuracy is 100%. They wanted to be sure I knew about this and if it was something she's done for awhile, so the tests wouldn't punish her for it since it's a normal occurrence. They also talked to me about needing to verbally prompt her to go to the next step when it's a 3 step process. She kind of forgets that there are two more pieces to the process unless the teacher says "Okay, first part done, now what do we do?". She stops for a minute and goes "Oh yeah! We need to do this now!" and goes to the next piece. Sometimes, they aren't sure if, when she's left to her own devices to remember these things, if she forgets, or if she's stuck and unsure of what to do, or what the case is. Most times, she just needs that prompting to remind her that there are other steps. Her teacher told me that it's not that she gets confused and doesn't know what to do next most of the time, it's that she seems to truly forget that there are two other processes to the final answer, and just needs to be prompted to go to the second and third piece. They're working on trying to get her to realize this on her own, without the prompting. Hopefully, she'll get there in the end. If not, it will be something they'll work on again next year as well. So far, her supports this year seem to be good and well in place. Next year, she may need more support, or less support, and we'll need to see that as she keeps going with her IEP. her IEP is up for renewal next year, so we'll update it and see where she needs to be then. She certainly seems to be growing and learning to branch out! The more we work with her, the better she gets. We'll keep working away. |
| In one week, Don and I celebrate our 14th anniversary of the day we got together. It has been an amazing ride, with lots of ups and downs, twists and tumbles. We've both grown and learned so much from ourselves, and each other, that we're very strong, and committed to doing the best for one another. It wasn't always this way, but we've done our best to get through our trials, and work towards common ground. When we moved to Maryland, that began the strongest bond of ours and our marriage, and togetherness. We're not perfect by any means, but we understand each other, we communicate daily, and we care enough about each other to sacrifice time and duty to be there for one another. I fully support him, and he fully supports me. We're very lucky though. Not many other couples can say they're as on solid footing as we are. We've had so many things going against us, things that cause other couples in our shoes to split. We married very young, which is a recipe for divorce in the first place. We weren't expected to make it out alive past the 5 year mark. We did have some rough times during those first 5 years, but it's been better ever since. Another thing is, we're poor. Many couples have a lot of issues when it comes to money, and lack thereof. Don not only supports me for staying home with the kids right now, he actually suggested it and told me I should implement it. He doesn't blame me for us being poor. He doesn't sit there and say "Well, why don't you get a job now?" or "You're the reason we're in this mess". I appreciate every single day that he has a good, steady job, that he's been at for 9 years now, and the money that it brings in to our family. My job, since I'm currently not working, is to budget our money, and do the best with what we've got. He's extremely grateful that i do this for our family, and I really do do the best I can. I don't mean to brag or anything, but I'm pretty skilled at making our dollars stretch. Don acknowledges that, and he doesn't berate me for it, he praises me for it. I'm so grateful to him and his job, and I'm extremely proud of him. We defied odds yet again. Another thing so many couples have trouble with in their marriage is special needs parenting. I go on blogs and read about families that are torn apart because of their special needs child. Sometimes it's because one parent doesn't believe that the child is special needs. Sometimes it's because most of the time there's a parent that devotes most of their time to that special needs child. The stress of raising a special needs child is very real. I can understand how it tears families apart. Special needs parenting, or having it in our family, is not something that tears us apart, but brings us together. We are stronger because of it. At first, when I saw Journey's delays, and we started talking about what could be going on with her, I was upset. I was sad. I was hurting. Don saw it in her too though. He saw that she was a little different, and he loved her all the more for it. I admit, I struggled to realize that parenting her would only be as hard as I made it on myself. Don not only accepted that she was autistic, he loved her all the more for it. I was jealous at first of him, because why couldn't I look at it the same way as him? I was more worried about her, and what a diagnosis would mean. I took examples from Don, and learned to stop fearing for her, and start working for her. I became her very best advocate. I went in, ready to pounce to get everything she needed. There was fantastic news for us though, and we've made it through all of this because of it. We were so lucky, and so blessed, that our insurance covers going to a developmental pediatrician. It covers her therapies, her speech and her occupational. All we need is for it to be in network, and for a referral from her pediatrician, either the developmental one, or her regular one. Though Dr. V didn't give us her diagnosis, he did sign off for all her therapies, which made getting her in to speech and OT that much easier. We never had to fight the insurance company. We never had to fight doctors. And the school, oh my goodness, the school! The special ed team turned itself inside out for us, with just us asking. She has two special ed teachers that have done everything they can, and fought to get her so much, and she gets so much on her IEP. We've never had to fight the school to give her anything. We never had to turn in a doctor diagnosis to get her the services she needs. Our school has done everything they can to make Journey's school experience that much better and richer. I'm so appreciative of them all, so much. If I could afford to take all those ladies out on a cruise to an island, I totally would. They are amazing. For the rest of Journey's school career, I will uphold every other school to the standards that she got at LES. Because we've been so lucky that all of this happened for us with little to no hassle, we haven't had any arguments or any straining issues. Journey's autism hasn't cost us thousands of dollars. We are in a financial strain, but it's not because of Journey, and we are managing our finances quite well. All in all, Don and I just make an excellent team. We understand each other. We get how we tick, and we work to bring strength to that, instead of trying to tear each other down for it. We fully support each other. I am here for him as much as I can be, for as long as I can be. I know that he's the same for me. I wish we could teach a class to help other couples be as strong as we are, but i honestly think it's more our personalities than it is anything else. We're very flexible, and understanding. We talk to each other to get on the same page, and we plan what we need to do to get to the next stage. I don't know that you can teach that. You can say it, you can suggest it, but I don't know that you can put it into place unless you practice it. This is just how we've always been. I look forward to many more years with Don by my side. We make an excellent team. |
| Cookie season (for my troop anyway) has come and gone. Almost all cookies we got were bought, and the money has come in. If council decided to take the whole amount that we owe out today, we'd still be left with $1100. $114 of it was already in our account, but that's what my girls earned, $1000 for the cookie sale. I'm very thrilled and impressed! My girls went out there with an intent to sell, and they did it. Our first booth, we sold 104 boxes of cookies. Our second booth, we sold 74 boxes of cookies. Our third booth, we sold 99 boxes of cookies. Our fourth and final booth, we sold 95. 372 boxes of cookies sold. I am extremely impressed with my girls. They worked super hard at the booths, and did everything they could to get customers to buy. I had one girl who didn't even have a chance to sell to her family (no one wanted to buy), but she did a booth, and her mom got a few extras, and she earned her theme patch for it! I was thrilled for her! Journey was up to 295 boxes of cookies sold, so I bought a few more boxes to bring her to 300. This year, she'll get a 300+ bar. The last two years, she's gotten a 200+ bar. I have another girl who only needed one more box bought from her, and she would earn her goal achiever patch. Her mom bought one more box to make that happen. My girls are getting patches all over the place! This year, I had 5 girls who sold over 100 boxes of cookies. FIVE. Last year, I only had three. I'm so very proud of them! Because they worked so hard and earned all that money, we decided to take a field trip with the money we earned. I gave them three options: the aquarium, the science center, or the spa. Most of them voted for the aquarium, so I'm going to call the aquarium on Monday and speak with someone about booking a weekend day to go. I did the numbers, and told the girls that because we earned so much money, we were able to do the spa as well as the aquarium. The room got so loud with all the screaming and cheering that Journey had a meltdown and hid under her chair, crying her eyes out. I was glad to make them that happy, but I was also sad for Journey. I know how noise effects her so deeply. The girls calmed down after that, and I did some joint compression on Journey to get her to relax and calm down. I'm glad that I could give them something to be excited about though! Spring-like weather has been coming around, and I must admit, it's been quite nice to be out of freezing temps. The troops that are selling this weekend and next are a lot luckier than my girls were! We sold while the weather was in the 30's, they're selling now that the weather is in the 50's. 20 degrees definitely makes a difference! (Although, I think that my girls selling in 30 degree weather is actually what helped boost our sales totals.) Life is still moseying on. Dixon has grown very attached to all of us, and now bounds up to the top of the recliner by the door to greet us as soon as we come in. He is my napping buddy, as if I'm still tired in the morning from lack of sleep the night before, I'll go take in some shut eye for a couple of hours, and he's never far behind me, sleeping on the pillow beside me. When we go to bed at night, Dixon lays between Don and I, his head resting on either of our pillows, his paws splayed out, laying stretched out lengthwise. It's annoyingly adorable. Sometimes I wish we could just sleep without Dixon between us, but for the most part, I don't mind it. This kitty is very spoiled! We adore him. He only gets in trouble when he gets on the table, counters, or in the toilet. Otherwise, he's free to roam about. I'm hoping to get Don to take a few vacation days during a week in April (possibly our anniversary week), so it can be just him and me. Since we're not going to Ocean City this year, I thought maybe he could take a little time to be with me while the kids are still in school. Hopefully we won't be bored this spring break, but we have nothing to do and nowhere to go, with very little money to spend. We'll see what we can't come up with. Maybe we'll do a cleaning marathon, and get rid of all the crap that's in the house. I'm not very motivated to do it, but I figure if I get everyone else helping too, maybe we'll all work together to get it done. One can hope and dream. |
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