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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I am FULL of pride right now, for all the amazing things that are going on! Firstly, Ryan made All County Honor Band this year. The last time he made it was when he was in 5th grade. This time around, he's outdone himself-he earned 1st chair out of the entire county. To say I'm bursting would be an understatement. 1st chair is a HUGE accomplishment, and I am beside myself! My son, my amazing, talented son, is 1st chair out of the entire All County Honor Band. To top that off, the principal of his middle school hand wrote a postcard to him to congratulate him on all his accomplishments for All County Honor Band. When I saw in the mail today, I burst into tears. He deserves every accolade he gets. He's amazing! Secondly, my lovely little Journey has not only earned her safety patrol pin for being safety patrol for the elementary school for first quarter, but she also earned star student for the month of October!! I cried when she brought home the invitation to the ceremony. I am so very proud of her, she's such a model citizen in her school. She's an amazing girl, and she exudes responsibility. I couldn't be more proud of her if I tried. I cannot wait to go to her ceremony on Friday and watch her receive her certificate! I will have my camera in hand and take a few shots! Lastly, my Bronze Award girls, all nine of them, worked together to put on what was basically their Bronze Award event, Girl Scout 101. Oh my goodness, I am SO FREAKING PROUD of them!! The stations were fantastic, and things went so smoothly, my girls handled everything with class and grace, and outdid themselves on all that they prepared and all they did. It was a smashing success, and I am literally brought to tears on just how well they did, and what they've accomplished. They worked so hard for this, and they deserve everything they've earned. We have a Bronze Award meeting on Wednesday, where we will discuss our next steps to what we're going to do. A lot needs to be talked about, and we have plenty of options, so we'll make decisions, take votes, and see where we're going from here. My heart is bursting!! |
| As usual, things have been happening on my time away from here. Sometimes it's too much to blog about, sometimes it's too personal to blog about, sometimes it's just batshit crazy to blog about, and other times, it's just..nothing great to blog about. I know, I know, I should be blogging all this so I can look back and remember. I know. I guess, some things I just want to forget. Had a bit of a dark period there for a little while. My meds never let me stay down for very long though. Even when I'm not feeling 100%, I still find a way to throw it back on my shoulders and trudge through it. I don't have time to be down. However, Don has reminded me that I do need to take time to feel what I'm feeling, and try to work through it. Nothing ever gets resolved when I just shove it all down inside me and keep going. Unfortunately, that's what I've been doing for the last 12 years. It's what I'm used to. My perspective always changes from one week to the next, so I don't really stand still and drown in anything. Truly though, this is survival mode at its finest. Because of revealing my true feelings to my therapist and her telling me that I was throwing a pity party for myself and looking for the wrong kind of attention, I have decided I'm not going back to her. Truthfully, this has been a long time coming. I have never really felt comfortable with her, and only give her information from the tip of the iceberg. The reason I have stayed with her this far is because she was the only one in my general area that took my insurance. I regret the time I have wasted there, but at the same time, I have come to learn to rely on myself and Don more. No one will ever be Therapist Bill, and I've come to realize that. I'm not expecting that everyone BE Therapist Bill-but at least some semblance of him and his caring, listening nature. My now ex-therapist was more critical of me than she was a shoulder to lean on. I guess I stayed because I was so fearful of what I would do without a therapist. At this point though, her brand of help isn't doing me any good, and I'm not going to waste any more time, energy and money on her. I'm done. I will continue to seek a new therapist, but for the time being, I think I'll be okay without one. I'm kind of glad about how many badges we were able to put on last year, because it seems as though we won't be able to put on too many this year. I'm still having a hard time with this "every other week or less" deal, but, if it's the only way to keep my girls with me, I'll do it, and I'll do what I can. The Bronze Award stuff has been very time consuming and all encompassing right now. Saturday is our fundraising event, Girl Scout 101. We've got 21 Daisies and Brownies registered. I'm not entirely sure I've prepared the girls for this as well as I hoped I would, and that makes me quite nervous, but I think they'll be okay, we've got some back up from a Cadette troop, and we still have tomorrow's Bronze meeting and Friday's meeting to work on things and get everything together for Saturday. This is what we've been working on, all summer. I'm going to do my best to stand back, let the girls do their thing, and just wander around and take pictures. They've got this...I think. I think they do. I'm pretty sure they do. Just in case though, we'll practice tomorrow and Friday. After Girl Scout 101 is over, it's then time for us to turn our attention to our Bronze project, which is creating sleep inspired baby bundles for low income families. I've been doing some research (which is bad, because I'm not supposed to do the research, the girls are. Not to say that the girls haven't been doing research-they have. I guess I just got a little excited and had some extra time and decided to look some things up? I'll show them what I saw, and let them poke around and see if they can find better. I'm only aiding, not doing for them, I promise!), and with the extra we earned from Girl Scout 101, and from our Fall Product fundraiser, we've earned just about enough to help 25-30 families. It's not much, both in terms of helping, and in terms of what all the bundles consist of, or at least the girls don't think it is, but every little bit helps, and if we can put the word out there, that's what matters the most, right? We'll discuss it more after Girl Scout 101 on Saturday. So much to talk about. I think, if anyone who's going through Bronze Award projects next year wants some advice, I will be sure to let them know just how time consuming it all is. As of Girl Scout 101, 7 of my 9 girls will have earned more than enough hours to complete the Bronze. If Girl Scout 101 WAS the Bronze project, 8 of my 9 would be earning it on Saturday. I am so proud of them for all the work they've put into this, and all that they're accomplishing. They've done fantastically. Also, my other suggestion would be to really make sure all the girls in the troop complete the Journey together, so that way they can ALL work on the Bronze, because having to split time and resources and money and such is such a pain! |
| Sometimes, my kids do something totally amazing that just surprises the hell outta me and makes me smile. So, yesterday, on this very blog, I was lamenting how puberty is making my kids super sassy towards each other, and it was driving me nuts. For the last 9 years, Ryan and Journey have been very amicable, nary any bad blood between them. Then Journey started puberty, and Ryan's currently in the middle of puberty, and two kids with super strong emotions at the same time is kind of...whoa nelly. It's an interesting white water rapid adventure, let's put it that way, shall we? Last night, at dinner, Ryan asked if we could go talk after dinner was over. I always say yes when they want to talk. (Truth be told, I would rather sit and talk and hang out with them than be online, watch tv, or anything else. Connecting with the people I love is far more important to me than anything else in this world.) We headed upstairs right after dinner, and Ryan began to pour his heart out. Ryan is very logical, and realistic. Journey is very imaginative and idealistic. Hence, they clash. The funny thing is, Ryan gets it from me, and Journey gets it from Don. (Sort of. I'm the imaginative one, so she gets that part from me, but her unwavering belief in her ideas and assurance that it will happen one day is what drives Ryan nuts, and that's the part she gets from Don.) Don and I have found a way to temper this with each other. In the last 15 years, he has shown me that there's nothing wrong in having dreams and thinking about achieving them. In the last 15 years, I've shown him that sometimes things don't always work out the way you hope, but sometimes that's a good thing. He fills the hope balloons for me (which I very rarely carry around), and sometimes I have to pop a few of the massive amounts of hope balloons he has, to kind of temper him down and bring him more towards reality. We have learned to work harmoniously through this. Yes, sometimes I drive him crazy, and yes, sometimes he drives me crazy, but we know that in the end, we're just trying to help each other. The kids, however, are still really new to this. To Journey, this hope that she has inside her, with her wild imagination, is what gets her through the day. When days are hard for her (and many times they are), the things that get her through are her ideas of becoming cat class president, or building a cat wars star ship, talking to her imaginary Eevee, or her other Pokemon, like Blake and Linda, her Meowstics (more Pokemon). It makes her happy, makes her smile, and gets her through the day, even when it's been a terribly shitty one. I commend her for this, and in this way, I am superbly grateful that she has the imagination and the hopefulness that she does. Ryan, however doesn't really understand this, and all he sees is the front of it, the pie in the sky expectations and ideas, and he doesn't understand how someone can think silly things like this would be a reality. There's no logical sense to it. In this case, he's not thinking with empathy or emotions, he's only thinking with logic and reason. So, as we sat, Ryan began to explain to me how it drives him crazy that she does this, and he feels like such a jerk when he shoots her down, but he doesn't understand, and it bothers him, so he just blurts out what he's saying. He came to me for suggestions and tips on how to curb this, how to stop stomping on her dreams, and not let it bother him so much. We sat and discussed it for awhile, and I gave him a few coping mechanisms to try to see if it would help. He was very upset with himself for feeling this way, and was beating himself up pretty hard. I did what I could to console him, helped him wade through his feelings and emotions so we could find a way to feel better. And then it hit me. Ryan is very emotionally mature. I was absolutely blown away by this. I mean, he still has a way to go, especially towards thinking with empathy, but I mean, how many 13 year olds do you know that would ask for assistance on an emotional problem that they're having and try to find productive ways to alter their mistakes and behaviors? Middle schoolers are jerks. They don't care about anyone else, they only care about themselves, and they will do whatever they can to make themselves feel better. I'm not saying they're horrible people (okay, sometimes they ARE, but...) this is par for the course with this age and stage for kids. It's like toddlerhood version 2.0; they revert back to being jerky little toddlers who only care and think about themselves. This is pretty much due to hormones. Because of puberty, they're not thinking straight. I guarantee you a class of kindergartners are way more empathetic towards their fellow student than a class of 7th graders are. This stage is full of hard transitions; everything is growing and changing, mentally, physically, emotionally. It's not an easy time for these kids (which is really why I think that out of all the amazing superhero teachers out there [teachers are the most amazing people! They deserve all the credit in the world!], middle school teachers really are the unsung heroes of the teaching profession world. Elementary teachers have it kind of easy. High school teachers, some of them actually become very chummy with their students. Middle schoolers hate EVERYTHING, including themselves. Trying to rope in a class of middle schoolers to do anything deserves a medal, immediately.), so they say and do stupid things to try and cope. They have enormous pride streaks also, and are fearful to admit that they're wrong. Ryan not only admitted he wasn't doing his sister any favors, but also asked my help to find a way to make it a little better and a little smoother. This is high school level thinking. I have never in my life seen a 13 year old display this kind of awareness and humility. Hell, even I didn't display this kind of awareness and humility until I was in my 20's! I started laughing after Ryan and I talked it out, and he asked what I was laughing about, so I explained to him how advanced he is. He immediately told me he no longer thinks he's advanced, but when I explained this to him, I told him how yes, this is advanced thinking. He actually couldn't help but grin. I was glad I could help make him feel better about himself as well. I have also decided to stop telling Journey that when she does something or says something or thinks something the way that I do, that she's just like me. I'm extremely frightened that this will cause her to resent me, and she will hate being like me. I know she wants to be an individual and feel special to just be her, so I'm going to continue that route. I worry every day that puberty is going to bring the chain back around again, and I would really rather not re-live that. Not to say that I will wither my position to make her feel better-you know me, I'm a follow the rules kind of girl, and stern is my middle name-but at the same time, I'm not going to bring up all the time how she's so much like me (even though she TOTALLY is. I swear I have successfully cloned myself.), and make her feel like I'm choking her self-identity. I guess, I was just so amazed to finally meet someone who thought, acted and felt the way I do so much, that I just had to marvel at it. I will keep it to myself though. |
| So, there hasn't been anything that's really eventful that's happened, but in the emotions and feelings department for me, it's been pretty intense. I've been kinda stressed about things with Girl Scouts (which is basically what I've thrown myself into the last 5 years since I can't seem to get a job), and it's really eating at me. I decided to drop being a co-organizer because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I feel like an utter failure because of having to bail, but, I overstepped my limit, and in order not to shut down and close off EVERYTHING, I had to drop it. I've been assured that I did the right thing for me, and things will be okay, but no one is a harder critic to me than myself. I also implemented some behavior policies that I'd like for my girls to try out...and I feel like I'm getting a little backlash from two of them. I *think* I know what the problem is, and I'd like to talk to them about it, both separately. The part that sucks is, I won't get a chance until the 21st. We were supposed to have a meeting this Friday, but the school is holding a fall carnival (they do every year), so the school won't be able to accommodate a meeting that night, and I'm pretty sure all the girls want to go to their very last fall carnival. I'm waiting and trying so hard to be patient about talking to these two girls, and I feel like if I don't do it soon, something's going to happen where they want to stop coming, and I don't want that to happen. It stresses me out to no end. I know that I should just live and let live-if people don't want to be a certain way, then I should just say "that's your decision", and if they leave, they leave, I know. I know I know I know, I should do this. I was cool with this happening at the end of last year. I don't know why I'm taking it so hard this year now. My anxiety has been off the charts these last few days, and I swear I felt like I was going into a depressive episode, but I think it was just a shut down day in order to save myself. I hate being a roller coaster of emotions sometimes. It's a real pain in the ass, and very exhausting. Sometimes I think I'm more trouble than I'm worth. Anyway... We had a parent teacher conference yesterday for Journey, and I heard nothing but good things. I went basically to talk to the teacher about being open to communication (she hasn't really messaged me about anything yet, so I'm left to assume that things are going swimmingly...her 2nd teacher on the other hand messages me about nearly EVERYTHING. He's the mecca of communicating teachers-I don't think we've had one like this since her kindergarten teacher or pre-k teacher), and also about things like recovery from tests. Journey and tests just do not work. I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses for her, but seriously, tests just send her anxiety sky rocketing, and she gets so stressed out she can't focus. She does poorly on some tests mostly for this fact. I'm torn between feeling like I'm asking them to coddle her and feeling like they're only setting her up for failure, because this isn't helping her learn anything. It's a fine line to walk, especially with an IEP in place. We should be getting an IEP meeting date coming up soon-usually we do her annual in November. I think I'll talk to them about more test accommodations, and see what we can do. She already gets extra time and she can leave to test by herself. Trust me, these two things are extremely helpful-but they don't always do it. They do for county assessments and state assessments, but I haven't really heard if they do this for things like just a regular math or science test. I suppose I could ask Journ herself, but I can't guarantee I'll get a straight answer. I think sometimes I confuse her more when I ask these kinds of questions than if I just directly ask a teacher. She is such a wealth of information though! Oh goodness, when I think back to where she was 6 years ago, she's like a totally different girl. She amazes me every day. I think I'm annoying her though by commenting about how many times she says, does, thinks like me. I don't know if she considers that a good thing or not. I think truly, she just wants to be herself, and no one else. I don't blame her for that in the least bit. I don't mean to put that kind of undue pressure on her or make it seem like her life is already cut out for her, because it's not. I guess I just can't help it when she says or does something so like me, that I just blurt out "Oh my god, I said/did/think that too!" I will try to cool it with the similarities though. I don't want her ending up resenting me. Now that both the kids are going through puberty, there is so much sass and aggression. They've started bickering, which they've pretty much NEVER done before until now. I knew it was only a matter of time, and so far, there's just been some sandpaper moments, nothing that has lit a real fire, but they definitely get on each other's nerves. They're not entirely empathetic or open to listening to someone else's ideas just yet (yeah, they're my kids. Stubborn as the day is long), but with little nudges here and there from me, they're getting there. Gahhhh, tweens and teens are so hard. I don't remember toddlerhood being this difficult. Perhaps I've been romanticizing it because of how long ago it was, and the edges are all soft and fuzzy, and maybe it's also because they were so much smaller and cuter, so they were easier to forgive. I dunno. But sometimes...sometimes I want to lock myself in a room and just hide. I love them, but helpful suggestions sometimes just seem to get snarky "I know!"s and eye rolls. Trust me, I love my kids at every stage, since they were newborns, and I'll never stop loving or enjoying them. There will be days though when I just don't want to deal with them. For the most part though, my kids are fantastic. I just wish they'd listen more. It's like, once they hit 11, your voice no longer registers with them. They've successfully tuned you out. Aggravating. |
| We had two new girls join our troop this year. They both transferred out from other troops and into ours, so they've been Girl Scouts for awhile now. According to both their moms, this is the most active troop their daughter's have been in, which I'm so proud to hear! We do lots of things throughout the year, and I like to keep it moving and us doing stuff a lot of the time. It just makes it more fun in my opinion. We went on our camping trip last weekend, and it was AMAZING. Oh my goodness, I've never had more fun with my girls than that weekend. We did so many things, and had so much fun. I know the girls that wanted to attend but couldn't were sad, especially when the girls went on and on about how much fun it was! However, one of the new moms has let me know that she is going to sign up for camp qualification so that we can go on our own from now on! So much fun! I know my girls are going to love it! I'm so happy that I could do this for them! And our camping/event coordinator that put this up for us is the best! I'm extremely grateful for what she did for us. We also got to do some archery, which was put on by another troop leader, and we had so much fun doing that! Some of my girls, it was their first time doing it, and for some of them, they were naturals! It's so amazing to watch them grow! We're still working on our Bronze Award. Funny thing is, our workshop, Girl Scout 101, would be considered a Bronze Award project. If I had known that, I would've said that this is what we're doing! If this baby bundle thing doesn't come to fruition, I'll be sure to give the girls who worked GS 101 their Bronze for all the work they put in. They've done amazing. I'm so proud of them. Also speaking of Girl Scouts, Journey just took her pictures for her Junior year! They look fantastic! We had the same photographer as we always do, and she always does amazing work. I learned a sad thing though, that the studio will no longer be archiving the photos taken from years previous, so I won't be able to make that amazing Girl Scout collage I wanted to. This upsets me to no end, but there's literally nothing I can do about it.  Oh well. |
| School is rolling right along, and so are the months. September is already half over, and I am super shocked about this. I shouldn't be though. Time passes so quickly, it seems as though all I have to do is blink, and another month, another season, has started. Friday night, I am taking part of my troop camping. We have a wonderful camp and event coordinator that is setting up and facilitating this for us; we are lacking a campout certified person in order for my troop to go camping on a regular basis, so this will be the first time ever we've camped as a troop. I really hope they have a great time! I'm very excited for this, and I know that many of them are too. I took some of them shopping for the trip, and they were very excited to shop for it. They were a little crazy, but that's because of the excitement I believe. I'm so happy we get to do this. For some of them, this will be their first camping experience altogether. I live to see their smiles. Journey and I are becoming even closer than we were before, which I actually find amazing, considering how close we've been all this time. Relief and happiness floods through me as I think back to my fear, and realize it's not been made to fruition. Me and my girl are very strong together. I am so lucky to get to grow and keep going with her. She means the world to me. Ryan and I are doing well as well. I feel I don't really get to talk to him as much as I would like to though. With both kids, we've stopped doing the Mama time before bed. They now just go straight to bed. It's almost kind of sad, but I also know this is just part of them growing up. Soon, in our house, we won't have a believer in either the Tooth Fairy or Santa. I do admit, it was fun to play while I had a chance. A part of me is relieved that it will be over; now I don't have to work so hard to pretend anymore. But, another part of me is sad; the innocence of childhood has left our household. My kids are growing up, getting older. I still stand by my ideals that I look forward to the kids as they grow, and don't wish to go back to when they were babies, and I do NOT want anymore kids. Ever again. I'm quite happy and enthralled with the two I have, thank you very much. Also, my troop girls are very much like daughters to me, so I have filled any quotas of need in that department! Some of my girls are putting on a workshop for the younger Girl Scouts about how to be a Girl Scout. We've been working really hard on this, and I am quite proud of them. We still have to practice quite a bit, but I think they'll do great. We had some questions on the venue, and we were working towards certain places, but some issues cropped up. I'm happy to say that everything's been taken care of. We have a venue, and it looks like everything is ready to go. I'm super excited for my girls, and to see how this goes. We're trying to garner as much interest as possible, seeing that we're only putting this one for the two younger levels of Girl Scouts. I hope with all my heart that it's a success. My girls deserve that, for all the work they have put in. Journey is scheduled for her Girl Scout pictures this Sunday. It's been 3 years since we've taken them last time. I'm actually kind of glad that we waited this long to take these ones though-her vest is filled to the brim with so many patches and badges. Juniors has been an amazing level for her, and I'm so happy and proud. Other than that, not much else going on. School work continues, soccer continues, Girl Scouts continue... |
| Dixon has quite the little personality on him! We have so many stories of things he's done, or is currently doing. He is such a smart little guy! I've NEVER, in my 35 years of existence, ever met a cat as smart as Dixon. And I have met MANY cats. Owned (or been owned!) by quite a few as well. Dixon is an extremely special case; not like any I've ever seen. So, I've decided to come here and write about Dixon, and all the things he does! This is not an exhaustive list, just a few of the things I can think of or remember at this point off the top of my head. If there are any more, I'll try to come back and write more down. #1-Don and I have been named. I am known as Meowlel. Don is known as Rowel. I shit you not, our cat has named us. I know that these are our names, because Dixon will call them to our faces, and throughout the house. Whenever Dixon needs his litter box rolled, he'll call out "Meowlel! Meowlel!". If I don't answer or come roll his box immediately, he will come looking for me, put his paw on my leg and say "Meowlel?" I will then go do his bidding LOL. Make no mistake, this is not to be confused with a "litter cry", he uses this name for me for MANY things, such as when he wants me to open the closet door (I'll get to that soon!), when he wants me to turn the bathtub tap on, when he wants me to come lay down so he can take a nap on my knees, when he wants me to feed him, etc. I know this name is specifically for me, as he uses it to greet me, and he will call it out looking for me when everyone is home but I'm not. Likewise, Dixon does the same to Don, aka Rowel. When Don goes to soccer games or concerts, Dixon will sit by the door and call "Rowel! Rowel! Rowel!" for Don to come home. In the middle of the night, he will wake Don up with a headbutt and jump on his chest and say "Rowel!" as if to say, "I'm awake, come play with me!". Many times, if I'm not here to do his bidding, he will call Rowel (Don) to come do it. My best friend says she thinks he named us because we're the alphas of the house. The kids are not named, but when we refer to Journey as "his girl" or "small kitten", he knows EXACTLY who we're talking about, and he'll rush to Journey's side. Ryan is pretty much here for the scenery, and a naptime buddy.  #2-He seriously understands A LOT of English. No joke, the words "chicken", "pork chop", "meat" and "treat" are not throw away words to use in this house. He will march into the kitchen and meow at the fridge for you to get out said meat and treats since you've so aptly spoke about them. He also knows his name quite well. It's not just intonation either; we have said Dixon in a myriad of ways, and he responds to it every time. For the first year of his life, I don't know if he had a name, or if he had been adopted before or what, but, ever since we started calling him Dixon from the time we adopted him and brought him home, he has always responded to it. Also, it is SUPER eerie when we're speaking about someone or something, and he'll either go to that person, or that place, or that thing, and stay with it. When it's just me and Don in the mornings on the weekends, we'll ask Dixon "Where's your girl? Where's small kitten? Is she still sleeping? Go find small kitten!" No joke, he will trot upstairs and sit by her door until it opens. When someone is upset, he understands, and he'll sit with them. When we talk about something in the kitchen, he'll dart into there. It is almost terrifying knowing just how much English he actually understands! #3-He sits and plays fetch. When we first got Dixon, we learned that Dixon knows the command "Sit". We brought out a bag of treats, and, without thinking, we commanded "Sit!", and so, he sat. On my word!! He does this EVERY time we give him treats. It takes A LOT of his willpower to do it (he wants that piece of raw chicken so so bad, and he's literally attempting to scale the counter to get it, but if you tell him "Sit!", he'll drop, sit on his butt, and wait patiently for you to give him the piece of chicken!). Never in my life have I ever seen a cat follow the command "Sit". It just astounds and amazes me every time! Likewise, he also loves to play fetch! Like most cats, he gets quite active at night. He'll go downstairs to his toy bucket (I'll also get to this a little later!), pick out a toy mouse, and bring it back upstairs. From that point, he'll high tail it into our room, jump on the bed, on top of us, drop the mouse at our legs, and headbutt us until we wake up to play fetch. In our grogginess, we will toss the mouse out into the hallway, where he'll jump off the bed and tear across the room to fetch the mouse. Once he finds it, he eagerly jumps back on the bed to drop the mouse to you, so you can throw it once more. He doesn't do this ALL the time, but he does it quite often! #4-ALMOST everyone that comes to the door is a friend. Most cats run and hide when someone knocks on the door. Dixon actually runs TO the door, to see who it is. When that person enters the house, he will then furiously sniff you and check you out. If you're kind enough to offer a hand, he'll sniff it, and then he'll allow you to pet him. Some people he's super attached to right away (our friend and old maintenance worker for our apartment complex was one of his favorite people. As soon as he'd come to the door to come fix something, Dixon would rub on him and follow him all over the house. Our friend even joked that he was going to buy Dixon a little tool belt and have him roam the complex with him, doing jobs!), but with the case of our new maintenance worker, he will let you know you're in the wrong house real quick. Dixon pretty much LOVES everyone he comes into contact with, EXCEPT so far the new maintenance guy. When Don's Aunt Gina came, Dixon loved her so much. When my dad came out this summer, Dixon adored him. Dixon is very much a people cat, he loves all kinds of people! #5-He is quite lonely and monophobic. Unlike other cats, Dixon is not one for solitude. He will begrudgingly take it from time to time, but he much prefers company. We always joke that if I had a job, our companion cat would need a companion cat. He likes that I'm home with him, and enjoys that I'm around. He loves it more when all 4 of us are home at the same time. A full house is a happy house in Dixon's opinion! I remember the first time we left him home for a few hours by himself; most cats, when getting left home alone, get angry, or do naughty things because you left them. Dixon will sit in the window and wait until he sees us, then runs to the door to greet us all and give us rubs and headbutts. I'm never seen a cat get so grateful to see his family before! He has (so far) not done naughty things while we're out, he just waits for us to come home, which leads me to my next post... #6-He recognizes our car. Dead serious. He knows what Roz looks like, and what her headlights look like. He will sit in the living room windowsill and watch cars pull in and out all day (this is his favorite show actually), but once he sees our maroon Roz, he darts to the door and waits for whichever one of us just pulled in to come through the door. #7-He has a better concept of time than the rest of us in the house. I tend to lose track of time quite easily and quite often. Without a clock in my face, I couldn't tell you if it's been minutes or hours to be honest. Dixon wakes us up every morning between 4:30 am and 5 am, very excited and ready to start his day. It takes a little coercing from Rowel to come lay down and relax until the sun comes up. I'll be on the computer doing my thing, and Dixon either wake up, or be awake, and run to the door around 2 pm, when Ryan's due home from school. How he knows this is the time, I will never know. He also does the same when Don is due to come home. (He doesn't do it when Journey's on her way home, only because he sees Ryan go out the door to pick her up from the bus stop in front of the street). Also, when it's around 4-6 pm and I walk into the kitchen, Dixon will come running in and meow, looking for a treat or some meat since I'm about to make dinner. Again, amazing concept of time. I didn't even know cats could keep time like this!! #8-He has some amazing skills. My cat did a pull up on the back door window frame to try and get a fly. Seriously, I don't think any of us in the house could do that! Chin up, maybe. Pull up? Don't think so! Dixon does Parkour on his free time to catch flies in the house. Dixon can also scale counter tops and cabinets to try and get to his bag of treats. He attempted three times this week; only twice was he successful. The third time, we had already moved the bag of treats to a higher, harder to reach cabinet. So far, *knock on wood*, he hasn't attempted it again since the third time and he found out that they're not there anymore. He's quite wily! #9-He's a bit quirky. Dixon loves all our closets, but his favorite one is our downstairs coat closet. We tease him and call him the cat version of Doctor Who, and the coat closet is his TARDIS. He'll sit by the closet door, and call for Don or me to open the door. Once the door is open, he'll hop inside, and meow for us to close the door. We then close the door, and he'll sit inside there for anywhere between 2-10 minutes, doing whatever it is Dixon does. He'll then meow at the door, to which we'll open it. He'll peek outside the door, and then hop out. Now, I've seen cats do this to doors that lead to the outside, but I've never seen a cat do it to an indoor door. We also keep all his cat toys in a bucket in the kitchen. Whenever it strikes his fancy, he'll stand on his hind feet and dig through the bucket to find a toy of interest, and drag it out to play. And HERE'S the kicker-he knows how to put it away. No joke! I've watched him carry a mouse from upstairs that we played fetch with the night before, in his mouth and into the kitchen where he then drops it back into the bucket. Now if only he could teach Ryan how to pick up after himself... #10-He makes interesting noises. Dixon snores...and, cats can do that. But, Dixon also wheezes, both when he's stressed, and when he's very content. Sometimes it's hard to tell, but chances are, if his eyes are closed and he's breathing slowly, he's content. If he's breathing hard, then he's probably stressed. He also hums somehow...I can't explain it! Our favorite noise that he makes is his chirrup. He greets us that way a lot, it's so adorable! Again, the list is not exhaustive, and I will continue to add more when given the chance and if I remember! I hope you all enjoyed learning a little bit more about Dixon! *Edited to add: cheese is one of his favorite snacks as well, so you can't say the word "cheese" without him running to you at full speed. He is also our protector, especially for Journey! When there's a bug in the house (fly, wasp, whatever), he will hunt it down, kill it and eat it. I'm happy to say we become a household free of flies very quickly because of this! He likes to sit in the living room windowsill during the night, and watch over us from any evil cars with headlights that come our way. He stands guard on Journey all the time. During the 4th of July, people were setting off fireworks in the neighborhood. Normally, the noises scare cats. Well, the noises actually scared Journey most (sensitive ears, autism), so Dixon ran to her side and kept a lookout for her the whole time. He is the protector of the house, and he does his best to guard us and protect us. (However, we joke that if someone were to break into the house, he'd probably roll on his back and show them his belly after sniffing them furiously, because he just made a new friend!) |
| It's so funny, when I read the title of this blog, in my head, I sing it to the tune of Meghan Trainor's "All About That Bass"..."It's all about the Journey, 'bout the Journey, No Mama..." However, both blogs and several entries prove this little diddy in my head wrong. Well, I am here to prove it wrong once more, and discuss my corner of the world at this time. Anywho...so, after we were threatened with the inspection to end all inspections, and blessedly, thankfully passed, I have been riding everyone in the house HARD about keeping the place clean and presentable. I'm not a slacker either, as I'm also very hard on myself to keep the house clean. It is not without it's merits however; this house has never looked better (sans unvacuumed carpets, but I digress...), and I'm quite proud. This leads me to ponder the whys of it all though. This fire seems to be burning strong, when after so many attempts previously to do this very same thing always petered out after a week or two. Suddenly, I'm able to continue running this full speed ahead, keeping on top of it, keeping everyone else on top of it. Inspection was 20 days ago, and yet here I am, cleaning and making sure everyone else is keeping it up as well, day after day. This is the proper way to do it; they way it should have always been done. Once upon a time, I used to be just like this... And then depression hit. I drowned in it all. I couldn't cope. I couldn't keep up. Being in a dirty house depressed me more-but attempting to drag myself out of the pit of despair to clean the pit that was my house just wasn't feasible. No one in the house cared if it was dirty or clean, the dishes, the rooms, the laundry, the carpets, the appliances, myself... All I could do was crawl in a hole and hide. Caring about it hurt too much, because I couldn't fix it. No one wanted to help me fix it, and since I couldn't do it myself like I wanted to, like I knew I had to in order to lead them into doing it as well, I stopped caring. At one point, I pretty much stopped caring about almost everything actually. I knew I was in the throes of depression for awhile. Quite awhile to be honest. And, as always, how it arrived was a mystery. The fact that I've been on psych meds for years now almost didn't seem to matter. Depression came, made itself at home, and paraded around all over my house, beating me over and over again. I tried to ride out the waves as best I could. I really tried. Some days I could cope; others, I kept Journey home from school and with me, to keep me from losing myself on the edge of sanity. At one point last year, her teacher became very concerned and sent an email about why Journey was missing so much school. I began to feel ashamed. What am I doing to my daughter? What am I doing to myself? I don't know how or when, but at some point last year, I made a turning point. Late nights were no longer a thing. Waking up in the morning to get Journey and I ready was a simple task again. Taking a shower became more manageable. I could start to do more repetitive tasks and keep up with it. Girl Scout meetings didn't pose such a challenge anymore. I somehow found a way out of the torrential downpours of sorrow and the swirling, drowning undercurrents in the sea of depression. I'm not exactly sure how long I've been out of depression right now; I'm willing to look back and re-read entries to see, however, as you can see, I've done myself a great disservice and didn't continually write all the time to pinpoint this revelation. Not here, not ANYWHERE. However, that being said, I welcome this new energy and can do attitude with open arms. I've missed being this way for so long. There weren't any particular med changes or doses per se-the only things I've really done differently is upkeep my insulin intake every day, and take my daily dosage of vitamin d. I'd been neglecting those two things (for lack of want or lack of money or both) off and on for quite awhile. Just last spring I decided to start taking things more seriously, and follow the directions of my care practitioner. So far, I'm glad I did. I feel good. I haven't been able to say that in a very long time, but I do. I feel good. While I enjoy my time here in the sun, I will keep checking up with myself to make sure we stay on a good path. I'm not a fool; I've dealt with depression, heavy depression, my entire life. As said before, I'm not sure what brings it, and I'm not sure how long it will stay, and I'm not sure when it will leave. I will continue my upkeep with my meds, and, for as long as it will let me, I will hope to continue with the same fire in me to keep up on things, and keep people accountable to help me keep up with things. I've been to the point where I needed help so badly, but was drowning, and just could not get the words out. Now I can, and I'm going to use my voice to keep asking for help when needed for as long as I can. I pray I can stave off the storms for awhile. I know it doesn't always work that way, but, with the last few months into the sun, I feel a bit better about my prognosis. |
| Yesterday, my baby turned 10 years old. Double digits, and god, I feel so old! I have a 13 year old and a 10 year old. Time flies. Ten years doesn't seem all that long ago, but really, it was. We took my sweet girl out to Olive Garden, as is tradition. The wait staff was amazing-one girl told her her dress was beautiful (as Journey always dresses up for special occasions!), to which Journey replied thank you, and it was her birthday. Right away, the waitress put a plan in motion for the wait staff to come sing her happy birthday, and they gave her a free small dessert. She was overt he moon about it! All in all, it seemed to be a good day. We went to Ryan's 8th grade open house, then came home and had lunch, then went out to Journey's open house, where we talked with almost all her teachers again (her original pre-k teacher has retired, her 3rd grade teacher has moved schools, and her second 4th grade teacher has also moved schools. We miss them terribly!). Everyone will definitely miss her when we leave LES at the end of this year. They've been such a fantastic school and the best foundation for both our kids to grow from. This school is the reason why we stayed her instead of moving somewhere else. The staff is truly the best. I am going to miss this school when Journey leaves at the end of the year. I'll ask and see if we can continue meetings even after my girls have been promoted at the school. If not, perhaps I need to move meetings to the library. Either way, we'll get it figured out when the time comes. Anywho, after dinner, we went grocery shopping, which Journey loves (she is definitely my kid!), and then we headed out to a local eatery to get some ice cream, which really was amazing. Journey says all in all she had a spectacular day, and it was the best birthday ever. She's such a doll, and I love her so much. I am so grateful to get to be her mom. Today is the first day of school. I had a horrible time sleeping last night, but I'm awake now. I got to see Ryan off to his first day of 8th grade. In just a few, I'm going to be waking Journey up to see her off on her first day of 5th grade. It was so funny, I was talking to all her teachers that are still there, and I told them about how it's our last year. "We'll come visit you after the promotion ceremony," I told them, "We can cry together. I'll bring the tissues!" they laughed and told me they would be crying, because they are going to miss her so much. I can totally understand. This is a big year for both of the kids. I hope they have a fantastic year, and I hope it's everything they could make of it. |
| Summer is coming to a end soon, and with it, Journey's birthday and school approach. We have 5 more days until our school's online grading system opens up and tells us both Ryan and Journey's schedules and teachers, and 6 more days until Journey's birthday party. We don't have that many guests coming this year, but I've learned to let it go (I'll talk more about this later), and I think we'll be fine this year. All in all, less money we have to spend. Journey has asked for a roller skating party at the local roller rink. She's been holding onto this idea since her good friend Olivia (who is also in our girl scout troop) had her birthday party there. Another two of her friends (Natalie and Brya) also had their birthday parties there. It's a very popular venue apparently! Journey enjoys skating for a little while, but after about 45 minutes, she calls it done. However, you have to rent the rink for at least 2 hours, so she'll probably be sitting around for awhile, which is what she's done at all 3 other parties. It is what it is. I think she mostly chose it because she likes to skate, even if only for a little bit, and because she knows her friends like it too, so she does it for them as well. It's funny, because people always say "Oh, you have a birthday in the summer! You're so lucky, you can have a party anywhere!", but, with everything, there are always drawbacks, and no one season is better than another unfortunately. With summer, we have to deal with ridiculous heat if we're outside, along with a host of creatures that have decided to invite themselves, and though ideas of playing in water always sound appealing, when you don't live at a place that has a neighborhood pool, or allows things like inflatable water slides, those aren't options you have available to you. Another drawback is trying to get guests to come. With summer, there are always people on vacation, out of town, visiting family, etc., so it's very hard to make a guest list that will actually be in attendance. This has been the crux of my party planning for many years for both kids now. A lot of times, we don't have a lot guests. That used to upset me to no end; over the years, I've realized that I have very little control over all of these situations and scenarios, so I just need to roll with it. If I make a big deal out of it, the kids do too. If we just keep moving forward, they don't worry about it, and neither should I. (And yes, we also have to worry about weather also! I recall Journey's 6th birthday where we were in the middle of a hurricane/tropical storm warning. Her party got rained out twice. In the end, we let it go. I cried myself stupid [the need for control to things I have no control over], but Journey didn't mind in the least bit.) I don't know how (maybe the fact that I've been through numerous parties now with very low attendance, or bad weather/heat advisory situations, etc.), but I have learned to just roll with it and not stress about it so much. If people show up, they show up. If the weather acts up, there's nothing I can do about it. In the end, I tried, and that's really all that matters. They saw the effort, and whatever happens at that point, it's all in how they make it. I've taken to creating online invitations now, cutting out the middle man of handing them out personally to each child you want to have attend. The online invitations give a much better option of information, they show you who's going to attend in a list, and just generally work better. This has also helped me greatly in the stress relief department. As far as school, teachers and schedules are concerned, I already know that Ryan has been placed in both accelerated (which, now that he's in 8th grade, is being called AP...yes, just like high school, which is what they're preparing him for at this point) math and language arts, as his teachers told him that they were putting him there after last year. (He's very lucky he got in to AP language arts actually...his teacher felt his work ethic didn't quite match up with his work or potential, and she felt by putting him in AP this year, he'd rise up to the challenge and do his very best. I am eternally thankful to his accelerated language arts teacher from last year for doing this, but I'm also not happy that Ryan didn't earn this by himself. Rest assured, I will be cutting off video game and tablet time to make sure he works on his studies.) I believe this also means he gets to take a foreign language this year. He asked to go into Spanish, but his back up is French just in case. I am eager to see what his schedule looks like, and how his 8th grade year is going to play out. I have advised him I'm going to give him plenty of reminders (I know-life doesn't give you reminders, but at this time, he tends to slack off when not being watched closely. I'm trying my best to make sure he doesn't do that, and starts holding himself accountable. He didn't do that very well last year, which means he needs a little training and help in that department this year), and keep up with him constantly. This is his last year of middle school, and I really hope that he can make it his best. As for Journey, we are also eager to see what 5th grade holds. She has her heart sent on a certain teacher, but I'm trying to temper it down a bit by telling her we don't know what the future holds. There are currently three 5th grade teachers, only one she's familiar with. One is one of the ones that Ryan had when he was in elementary school, and the other is a brand new teacher. I'm also hoping that she has some friends with her in class, like she did last year. I really hope her 5th grade year is going to be a fantastic year for her. It's her last hurrah, and then middle school awaits by next June. I hope she makes it a good one. I hope she has the help she needs also to make it a good one. The final summer Bronze Award meeting is on Tuesday. This will be the last time I meet with my girls this summer, before school starts.Our next meeting will be a troop meeting for the entire troop, on September 2nd. This will be an informative troop meeting that we'll talk about our upcoming camping trip on September 16th. This should be really interesting! I look forward to seeing my girls all the time. I love spending time with them. Well, that's all in these parts for now. We'll see how the week goes (fast or slow, good or bad), and then it all starts again. |
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