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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| People really should know better than to try this with me. I already have one entry in here in regards to this subject. But,thanks to the stories.com system, I can easily copy/paste the review and my reply. Fun! Kgirlfae ~ Wanting   In your review for "The crazy crazy life of the fae" you said: I find the entrance entilted "Conformity" quite amusing because you are bitching about yourself! You have just described yourself in every minute detail and yet you tear these people down. Does the term HYPOCRIT mean anything to you?! :::breathe in breathe out::: Hopefully this has been a reality check for you, have a s***ty day! In response to your review, Kgirlfae Loves Corvvs (3) View kgirlfae's Portfolio! Email User: kgirlfaeAdd kgirlfae To My Authors sends: Actually, I don't bitch about my life anymore. I have a great life, which is for the most part, why I stopped using my journal on stories.com and began "blogging" on an independant server - for two reasons - 1) Now only a select few people can actually read it, and they are the few I trust to not misread anything I write, and 2) I needed to get away from the negativity of this journal. Oddly, I must note the hipocracy that is found in your review. You try to call attention to what you feel about my writing, and yet you refuse to allow yourself to be named. By remaining anonymous I immediatly assume that you don't know me, or, more accuratly, that you "know" me in person, but actually know very little about me, my life, my feelings, or anything about me. There is one other possibility here - you don't actually know me, but you know of me. There are quite a few more people like this now, as my beloved lives in another state, and some of his friends are bias assholes who don't believe that anyone other than them can be happy, and that if they are not happy, then no one is allowed to be. Now, in direct reply to your insulting of my entry "conformity". I actually was griping about people who wear shirts that say specific things, and think they are "cool" or to be precise "Uncooly cool" to wear them. I don't wear these shirts. I actually revel in the fact that I have friends, that I'm happy, and that the people around me are honest enough to at least show their face if they want to critisize me. This also leads me to believe that you are not one of my friends. My friends would know me well enough to understand that I wouldn't care if they came right out and insulted me. Actually, I don't call it "insulting" I think of it as exactly what it is - critisizm of an aspect of my personality, which I then try to change. You clearly have no grasp of this, as your 'review' is blatantly intended to be offensive, and does not, within itself, act as a 'review' but more a place for you to personally vent your emotions, which I find INCREDIBALLY hypocritical, as you are basically doing what you are critisizing me for - you are being offensive, rude, and cruel for the fact that you think it will make you "cool". You are precisely the person this post was aimed at, and perhaps that is why you reacted to it so adversly - you know and understand that it is true. And personally, I have been having a shitty day. Thanks for the curse there. Personally, I'm confident that the laws of Karma will make this come back to you, and I plan on staying out of their way - Have a great day. Hopefully this email has been enlightening, however I fear that in the smallness of your mind, you probably have either deleted this before you read it, or you will read it and discount it. Either way, Have a nice life. |
| I did this on my other online journal, and it kindof startled me, as it really reflects my thoughts for the past year. On that journal it was a way of my summing up for the year proceeding when I started writing in it, for this journal, I just think it's cool, and I figured, since I had it all typed out, I'd post it in here to save people the time of reading back entries. 11/23/01 - "I hate the numbness. Yet I embrace it." 12/12/01 - "The gods really ARE mocking me!!!" 12/09/01 - "I just bloody love my life. Can I trade you?" 12/20/01 - ""I guess it's time to face the truth / And admit my past mistakes / Come to terms with all that's wrong with me / And all the things I'll never be" ~-~ Stabbing Westward 12/27/02 - "Lessons to be learned, Life to be lived, Pain to be had." 1/5/02 - "life is strange that way, nothing ever ever goes as planed - it usually goes the exact opposite way. The gods are mocking me." 1/15/02 - "'Have you had your power poop today?'" - My former Euro History Teacher 2/7/02 - "*Smile smile smile*" 2/11/02 - "*sigh* *pulls out spork... goes on murderous rampage*" 2/12/02 - "Don't you just love how you have to put aside your own problems just to help others with thiers, thus adding to your own?" 2/13/02 - "ICK GRARGH PLURGH" 2/19/02 - "I hate Febuary." 2/23/02 - "Life is still icky, but I can rest assured that It'll be getting better soon...." 3/17/02 - "Thank you to all of my Foundation Stones" 3/20/02 - "t's been an odd year and a half... Great... here goes the next one..." 3/27/02 - "Damn, yet another person has accused me of manipulating them. Wait a second... do I care? Answer: NO" 3/29/02 - "I am always entertained by the idiocy of others." 3/30/02 - "Damn, I just went blank again." 4/14/02 - "My dad wants me to become an optimist, my grades suck, I'm going to fail IB Math Methods, and I'm just having a miserable time in my classes. I'm getting more and more depressed about life in general and I'm sick of felling like an idiot." 4/16/02 - "Yes. I'm strange. But that's me. Grumble grumble grumble." 4/30/02 - "Well, let's hear it for the traditional formal dance of Highschool! Whoohoo!" 5/7/02 - "In just over 5 hours, I will be done with all of my spanish classes FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!" 5/9/02 - "Here I am complaining that there's no good, new music out, and HELLO! Diorama is right there and I MISSED IT!?!?!" 6/11/02 - "No more hell, no more IB, no more stinking advanced classes that make me feel like a bleeding idiot." 6/13/02 - "Damn it all to hell." 6/15/02 - "I really hate myself for the most part. And I reflect that hate onto anyone but myself. I will never take the fall unless I have to, never take the blame if I can push it off onto somone else." 6/24/02 - "It's like playing tetris with my life right now. I hate it." 6/30/02 - "Fuck everything" 7/1/02 - "Too bad that happiness is overrated." 7/2/02 - "These are the moments when I don't want to sleep, because my dreams are so much better than life..." 7/2/02 - "I'm sure those out there who have been on that side of my personality would very openly say that it's not a plesant place to be. I have a temper. I have a very very hot temper. I love revenge." 7/4/02 - "I just can't face him. It hurts too much" 7/7/02 - "According to him, I've never actually cared about anyone. According to him, I just use guys as toys, and I was never really in love with him." 7/7/02 - "Damnit damnit damnit damnit all to hell." 7/8/02 - "We are so afraid of disorder we make it into a God" - Bruce Cockburn, 'Gospel of Bondage' 7/12/02 - "meh." 7/21/02 - "I'm doing really well." 7/23/02 - "98% of guys may suck, but 99.9999999995% of girls are worse." 7/25/02 - "I am so bleedin' sick of my friends. I've got a plan of action, until then, just leave me the fuck alone. I'll let you know when I want to talk." 8/9/02 - "I just had the best 3 days of my life" 8/18/02 - "I'm just too damned happy these days" 9/27/02 - "People piss me off. Well, most people, that is." |
| Wow, so it's been quiet in here... I was walking down the halls of my school today, when I noticed someone wearing at tee-shirt that said "I have friends... you just can't see them." Well, my mind immediatly started to wonder when having something that used to be considered a psycosis(seeing things/people that don't exist, aka, delusions) started to be considered not only NORMAL but FUN. It's the non-conforming conformists that have made this so. Things that normally wouldn't have been considred cool, are now cool... it is now popular to pretend to be unpopular and unwanted. It has become fun to pretend as though no one likes you, when, in fact, by being so damned negative, you are gaining friends. So what does this teach us? It teaches us that we need to be negative assholes about everything around us to be popular. We need to critizize everything to the point of nausea, because clearly nothing can go right, or be right about the world. HEAVENS FORBID we actually think positivly about anything. Everything is doomed to failure from the start, so why should we try? People piss me off. Well, most people, that is. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Well, this week has been interesting. I thought the height of my week would having to go to the doctor on Monday, thinking I had appendicitis. Well, I don't, but I did end up out of school for two days. Thinking that that would be the highlight of my week, I got to school Wednesday and found out that two students at our school had been killed in a car crash the night before. I didn't know them, but many of my friends did. So life around my school has become rather bleak. I'm doing my best to keep everyone happy, but that is made more difficult by my being an empath. It's odd, because the one thing that makes it so I can really help people is the thing that is making it so I can't help - I'm getting so bogged down in the negative emotions that I'm starting to become rather depressed myself. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| I really don't know how else to put things in words than what I have already said, so here it goes: "I'm just too damned happy these days" "I love you, and I can't get my mind around the idea of not loving you." "I think I'm becoming optimistic, it scares me" "I always believed in soulmates, just that I was one of the few who didn't have one. Or had one who had died at birth or something. And then I found you." "I believe that this is true love, and I am far beyond innocent, especially in these matters. I have thought myself in love three times before, but it is nothing compared to this. Nothing." "You're lucky I trust you. You're one of three people, and the other two are like family to me, so I only trust them so far... Add in how much I trust you... " "I trusted you more than any ever before in my life after, what, four days? That I consider amazing." "The pratical part of me hopes, the part of me that is half prophet knows." "So many times I have found myself trying to explain how this all happened. The closest I can come is "Well, it just, kind of did." " "It doesn't help that when I'm mediating, I look up in half trance, and the candlelight off your pictures make it look like they're moving... " "It's hard to keep the paranoid thoughts out, for both of us. We're not exactly used to life being this good." And that's just from tonight... *sigh* Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Ok, well, I considered putting my second journal in here, but all in all, I don't feel like it. Honestly, I don't feel like looking at that aspect of my past again, and, as I just had the best 3 days of my life, I don't want to dwell on the problems of the past. As such, I'm just going to go back to writing in here. Unfortunatly for those of you out there who read this regularly, I tend to post much less when I am happy. I prefer to vent when I am upset, because when I'm happy I like to be out adding to my happiness. So life is really really good right now, so... yeah. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| I'm creating a private journal. I don't want to risk saying something out here in public these next few weeks... as I am trying to journal myself though a tough decision. Whenever things work themselves out, I'll add the private journal's entries over here, and delete the other journal... but for now... It's gonna be quiet. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| Why the hell does everyone assume they understand this situation better than me? Why does everyone assume they can tell me what my choice should be, when they don't even know half of the situation? I'm fucking sick of people telling me that "If you don't do it this way, I'm not going to be able to deal with you anymore". Well, It's kinda fucking hard to do that when I've got 4 different bleedin' people telling me 4 different courses of action, half of which I can't do because, well, the guy DOESN'T have the internet right now, and NO, I'm not gonna write a letter to a guy who lives across the street from me, since we're a PO box kinda town. and NO, just forgeting about him is not an option - he lives across the street from me, and that pretty much means that I have to face at least his house every day, and I'd rather keep him as a friend than nothing else. And YES, I bleedin' know what I'm going to do, and NO, I'm not going to tell you, because, well, I think the guy deserves to know first, and I'm really not into letting every bleedin' person on the planet know what I'm going to do before I do it. I'm sick of dealing with the dramatics that are tied to this, I'm sick of dealing with people who didn't even really know me when this whole thing happened, telling me what I should do, based off of what limited sumaries I've given them. Well, you know what? You can't judge from the outside here - first, the people I talked to when it was going on really aren't talking to me now, with the exception of one, and the people that are trying to help me only know my limited side of it - the side that I'll give everyone. And to top it off, I'm sick of people blaming me for all sorts of things because I refuse to tell them what I'm going to do. I'm sick of them telling me that they are "going to bed now, because they're sick of my b/s". Well, you know what? It's not bullshit. I just DON'T FUCKING SEE WHERE IT IS YOUR BUSINESS. SO back the fuck off. Why is that so hard to understand? I can't talk to anyone online anymore without them asking "so... what are you going to do? have you decided yet?" I'll have 5 friends online, and 4 of them start a conversation with that. The other one, well, she doesn't know about it, since I decided to NOT fill her in when I noticed the trend everyone else was following. I am so bleedin' sick of my friends. I've got a plan of action, until then, just leave me the fuck alone. I'll let you know when I want to talk. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| So, I am at a crossroads in my life... for once the fates are not pushing me into a decision. Two paths - one, would involve some action, the other, just sitting on my ass as I watch the one person I love pass me by. Now, the choice is this: Do I actually sit down, and tell him exactly how I fell, to the letter. Do I spill all my guts, and let him know everything... OR Do I just let him think what I've already said through... and not say any more... and if he comes around in his own time, tell him more? Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
| You know... 98% of guys just plain suck in one way or another. I really am sick of them. I'm sick of trying, sick of making an effort, only to be shot down when I finally spill my guts. The other 2% either make way too good of friends, or are gay, or both (as gay guys make great friends). But it hurts. It hurts when I finally realize what I want, and then realize "wait, I already fucked that chance up a while ago". or "He'll never really forgive me for what I did, so why should I try?" It figures: I finally decide to start listening to my heart over my head, and my parents, and it's already too damn late by over a year. 98% of guys may suck, but 99.9999999995% of girls are worse. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting |
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