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An evolution in years |
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blank mind, empty thoughts, hollow ramblings "Some nights when it rains I dig out your old pictures and dance with memories sour now with age I wish I could let go and just walk out of this prison this shrine that I have build around my pain" - The Dreaming "I've always been good at helping everyone but myself." - me "God you were so beautiful, 'til I looked in your eyes" - The Dreaming |
| "However I got a long message back and it was kinda funny cuz it made me realize that SHE GETS IT! She understands why I can't be in touch with her anymore more then I myself understand it. So that thought both warms me and yet gives me a kinda chill." Kebeth's journal. *sigh* I understand why it's good for him. I just don't like it. |
| As if it's not bad enough that I'm trying not to email him or talk to him or any of that. Why couldn't he just hold to his promise not to talk to me?? My response: (in the review of Ch. 3 (Multitude) : " So she cuts and she slices slivers of blood fall to the floor over the years slashes turn into scars hiding the cuts that hurt far more I hope this isn't real it isn't healthy" ) I've been trying to figure out which one of these to put my reply in. This one seems fitting. You compared what I feel for Jackson to what I felt for Anthony. Truth of the matter - I would be dead right now if not for Jackson. In the two years since about midway through sophmore year, I had returned to my habit of slicing, burning, and generally finding ways of hurting myself. So yes, this poem is based in reality. Mid August, I was a hair-bredth away from just picking a direction and driving. When I reached the end of my tank of gas, I was going to find a quiet place and wait until nightfall. At which point I would slit my wrists. I would be dead before anyone could find me, and that would have been fine with me. Jackson is the one who saved me from this. It may sound cliche and like my typical bullshit, but you know what? I stopped listening to what others thought of Jackson and I's realationship a while back. No one knew me well enough to notice that I've changed. And that's fine by me. Actually, it doesn't surprise me much, since I basically was a manipulative bitch from hell. On August 5th Jackson sat down and listened to me. And I'm not talking my usual bullshit theraputic listening skills - he listened and responded and was the first person to actually NOTICE that I was suicidal. He reassured me, and that's what kept me hanging on. You bitch at me about not knowing you were acting. *short laugh* Don't you think I knew? I was willing to accept it, in return for the fact that I could at least pretend we were still friends. The fact of the matter now is that none of this matters. I told you that night that I would leave you alone. I have. I've hated every second of it, but it's what you need so I walked away. I left what was the only friend I had that actually knew me, and had known me for longer than 3 years. I left the one friendship behind that meant more to me than any other (with the possible exceptions of my friendships with Pam and Gaite, but those don't really get classified as friendships in my mind - they're family). For years, you were the focal point of what was good in my life. When that came crumbling down, so did everything else. Oh well. The fact is - I saw that you needed me to leave, I saw that you would be happier for it, so I left. Your deciding to review "Slivers" didn't help me in the least. If you were looking for a way to hurt me, great job. The only thing that has kept me somewhat ok up until this point is the fact that I don't have to be tempted to communicate with you. I don't have to sit there and read things you've written to me, and have to respond. I walked away, thinking that you wouldn't even bother to try to pull me back, even if it was for you to say goodbye yet again, and that's what enabled me to walk away. Don't pull me back again, Cody. You've said goodbye. You've said it countless times, and all you're ever going to do is say it again. I know you want me out of your life - now prove it. Take the strength upon yourself to actually walk away like you say you want to. Hell like you NEED to. And for the record - you don't need to bribe me to see your portfolio. I check it every few days, since that is my one connection to you. If you want to make it private, or whatever, so be it. That's your choice. But anything that goes on there, I see within days. So no more bribes, no more emails, let me sit and watch from a distance, because that's all I CAN do. Cody - I just want you to be happy. And it is bringing me large amounts of joy to see that this is happening for you now. I want you to continue being happy, and I realized that night that what you needed for that was for me to get the fuck away from your life. So - Merry Christmas. Your present? Your life without me. Goodbye Cody. I will leave you alone, I won't contact you. My portfolio will always be there for you to read, but just read it. No more reviews. I will do the same thing - I'm just reading, and keeping my thoughts to myself. Slivers is, and will continue to be, my Cathartic poem. ~~Sarah |
| I have many theories, and one of them is called the potential stupidity factor. basically it states that every human has the potential to be stupid to a certain degree. Now then, I have recently decided that something at my school makes everyone live up to this potential - not a good thing. First complaint - I have got to stop hanging out with sophmores. They have no clue what "friendship" is about, and as such cannot be trusted for more than 3 minutes at a time. What kind of idiot leaves the backpack that they've been asked to keep an eye on until I get back sitting alone in the middle of the cafeteria at the beginning of lunch because "I thought you would be there pretty quickly after I left". Second - In general, people are idiots. They will just. stop. walking. in the middle of the hall. It's not like they stop to talk to friends, or anything logical like that. They just simply stop and stand there looking like the idiots they are. People are stupid. I'm sick of them. I am ready for school to be over for the semester. BUT NO! there has to be finals first. FUCK *the end* |
| Thank god I'm quitting choir next semester. I don't understand her obssession with blaming the alto's for everything, when nearly 90% of the time it's the damn sorprano's fucking up. The only person she cut from our only song? Had it. She's just picking on her because she has some sort of fucked up agenda. She does nothing but bitch at the Alto's and then chooses her soloists from the sorpranos... soloists that make a dignified, beautiful church song turn into britney spears pop music. I don't get it. If she's so blatantly obsessed with sorprano's, and only sorprano's, then why doesn't she just teach voice for sorpranos. I hate her. I hate that she's made me hate choir. and she has. I hate going to the class now, and it's her damn fault. Why can't she just treat everyone equally like Mr. Arnett did? Why can't she just deal with the fact that every section is going to screw up from time to time, and that no one section is perfect? Why can't she face the fact that not everyone learns music the same way, not everyone feels the same dedication to her choir as 1% of the choir does. What made her think that our only class is choir? What about those things called "Core Curriculum"? She actually forced more than one student to miss a Calculus test for a rehersal in which they did NOTHING?! Who made her the most important thing in the school? the most important person? |
| Well, today would be the first day in my life that I have activly cut class. I called myself in today, and I've spent the day at the library working on a paper that was due today, that I was too busy/depressed/annoyed by/etc. to do earlier. So instead of admitting that I'm a procrastinating loser, I decided to become one of those losers who cuts class and uses the time to make up the stuff she procrastinated on. *wow* So anyway, it's the first time I've done something like this and I'm so damned positive that I'm going to get caught. *shite* In other news... I'm basically still unable to type much about anything else. My brain isn't communicating with me again, other than to discuss random theories that have nothing to do with what's actually going on up there. I have so far determined that techno music is the only genre that has music for every mood (upbeat and depressed), and that christmas music is the solution to everything. But that has nothing to do with how I am, and what I'm doing and why I feel like shit all the time. So then why can't I actually communicate how I feel? It's not for lack of wanting to, it's just that now, as always, I don't have the ability to put my thoughts into words. I never have the words I need to express my brain's thoughts and stuff that goes on up there. And alot is going on up there. It goes beyond just losing a friend. It goes beyond seeing a friendship that had lasted 7 years go down the drain. It's just this sinking depression that I know the only solution for is Jackson, and that solution is 1028 miles away, and 2 weeks from getting any closer. The day after I 'lost' Cody I had to restrain myself from crying on multiple occasions. I would put my head down to silence the pounding in my skull, and I would just come so close to crying... and not because I had 'lost' Cody - but because I would put my head down and wish SO MUCH to feel Jackson's hands just comfortingly move to my shoulder... and they wouldn't, and I'd remember that he's still 1028 miles away, and that just plain SUCKS. *grumble* |
| "I mean, God, if they call getting high and fucking around with people a life, then they are really pathetic." I don't know where the start of this journal is. I don't know where the end of the entry begins, and I don't really care. I'm so fucking sick of everyone's shit. "jc3skippy85 (9:10:12 PM): how long does it take for a large hicky take to go away faie28 (9:10:16 PM): I have two major essays due tomorrow, finals, another two major projects due this week, two choir concerts, and another essay due next week. jc3skippy85 (9:10:16 PM): ?? faie28 (9:10:25 PM): My god. WHO GIVES A SHIT?!" "faie28 (9:12:30 PM): deal with it. For Christ's sake, your parents don't care. They won't care. They'll get all riteous for a while, but you're a fucking teenager, they expect this. jc3skippy85 (9:12:54 PM): ya i gues you are right faie28 (9:13:04 PM): The sooner you break the "my parent's aren't supposed to know I have hormones" block, the better. They don't care. faie28 (9:13:14 PM): Remember - They've BEEN THERE. " *SIGH* People suck. |
| Music affects mood. Techno music affects and fits every mood. If you are in a low place, the bass can provide the comfort you need, whilst the treble pulls your spirit up (not to mention the beat). That might explain my mood shifts. The more I listen to Techno on the new station I found, the happier/cheerier I get. The longer I am away from it, the further back down I slide. So then the question becomes - is the mood change real, or does the affected mood (happy) just substitute as a way for me to avoid any further pain? Do I use that music to sooth myself for a small while, pushing the pain away, and possibly take longer to deal with said pain, or do I just sit myself down with my CD book and put my depressing music in it, and thus finish my 'mourning' period as soon as possible? hm. |
| This journal is private now. That means I should be able to type without worrying what people will think of it, and not worry about people seeing it. Not having to worry about him reading it. The other entertaining thing is that I don't have to worry about editing names anymore. So that makes it, I guess, a little more honest. Cody is no longer "Kebeth". Jackson no longer "Corvvs". These anonymous names that become so connected to the person, self made alter-identites that acutally allow us to be more open than we normally would be. Who is "kgirlfae"? Is she actually connected to Sarah, a part of Sarah, or an independant being that doesn't actually have anything to do with me, other than speak with my voice and my past, but with none of the liability? What about my other alter-egos? "Delana"... She is the one who can be wryly ironic, dry humoured, and decieves everyone into believing she is the one thing she isn't, or, more accuratly, she represents the real me - the part of me that no one else sees, that no one else can believe is actually real. She represents me when you cut down to the core, whereas Kgirlfae is the mask that she used to wear. I sat in my room last night, candles and incense burning. I wasn't expecting to be able to actually cry. Usually I spend three days in a numb transitional state while I process what happened. I don't know if the fact that I spent over half an hour slowly crying means that I've processed losing Cody, or that it's just so painful that I can't sit in that stage of numbful bliss. He's gone. I'm walking away, letting go. |
| With Pam: " It's what's best for him. It's what he wants. He's happy and I'm not helping. So I'm out of his life now. " With Jackson: "I'm starting to slide into that pseudo-destructive mode, so I'm taking it out on my old poetry and short stories." "It's what always happens. I can't get mad at everyone without getting mad at myself" "Watching an 8 year long friendship fall to dust because of the fact that I was a bitch. Knowing that he's right. Knowing that he has every right to hate me and it's my fault" " I knew the cody thing was going to hell" "This is a pattern that I'm really familiar with. I'll slice apart my stories.com portfolio instead of my arms this time, but in about 20 minutes I'll hit that super-numb part where everything is good and I can sit in a dark room listening to stabbing westward. In 3 days I'll be able to cry about it." |
| Well, my other journal isn't working. Damn me being a free member over there who apparently has to suffer because they're having hardwear problems. I guess... I really need to blog, type, get my thoughts on the screen so I can get them out of my head... but that never really works. Well, it does, but then I get bitched at because I'm supposedly a hypocrite for sharing my thoughts with the world at large, instead of keeping them private and to myself. I don't know... I guess the real reason I was never able to keep a "secret diary" is that I don't see the point of writing unless someone else is going to read it. And the fact of the matter is, no one is going to bother reading my online journal unless they know me and check up on it, or they want to get to know me. In either case, they go out of their way to read it, and it's not like I'm asking complete strangers to interfere with my life. And usually the friends that read it are the ones I would go to anyway to try to sort most of what I actually write about out. So I don't see how that makes me hypocritical. I'm not one of those people who bitches about thier life and how everyone sucks and that everyone should pity them. Well, no one does that directly, but I never write in here specifically looking for pity, hell, I hate being pitied. I hate it. I think it's the stupidest emotion ever created. I hate pity. As for everything else, and why I'm blogging here... Or hell, why I'm blogging at all.. Friends can really suck. Having friends can really suck. They hurt you, they try to hurt you, they go out of their way sometimes to hurt you. Why? And the hard part this time is wondering whether I should continue trying to be friends... or just give the fuck up. I mean, Corvvs would probably be very happy if I gave up, but this particular friend has been a good friend for something like 7 years now, and with the exception of maybe 1 year of that he's been a damn good friend, so it'd be hard on me... But at the same time, it seems to be exactly what he wants - for me to tell him to fuck off. So why don't I?? No clue. None whatsoever. He's a good friend, and that's all. And that's been debatable for the past year and I still call him one of my only good friends. *hangs head* I quit. I'm just going to lock myself in my room, in the dark, listening to "Blurry" and "Crawlin" until Corvvs comes home from Texas. Kgirlfae ~ Wanting   |
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