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Wednesday, May. 8, 2024

12:55am EDT

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Are You Listening???

by Charlie ~

Rated: GC · Book · Emotional · #2181458

A journey of self-improvement - or not.

Sup? I'm Char.
You may know me from timeless classics such as

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#2030442 by Not Available.

and

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I blog for things like

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FORUM

30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS

(13+)
WDC's Longest Running Blog Competition - Hiatus
#1786069 by Fivesixer

FORUM

JAFBG

(XGC)
Because real life isn't always roses and sunshine...
#2094931 by Elisa the Bunny Stik

[Embed For Use By Upgraded+]
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya
They say jump and ya say "how high?"
Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

Show Recent Comments

10 Most Recent Blog Comments:

intuey GoT Survivor!

Jul 22, 2023 at 8:05am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Hey Char, It's been a while since I've touched base with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. The last thing people should say is everyone loses their grandparents eventually, or it will get better with time. It's the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Death sucks, long-lasting illness sucks! Having to decide to let the person go to keep them from suffering REALLY SUCKS! I think the only ones who can understand truly just how much are those who have had to make that decision. My heart breaks for you.

I'm not religious, but I do have a strong faith in God. I call myself spiritual because I don't agree with all the rules and regulations of religion. I do know I will see my family and friends again, and this is a great comfort. I can only imagine how much more painful the death of loved ones is without this belief. But you're right, it can't be faked. But it is a beautiful thing.

Having mental health issues during times like this makes it even harder to go through. I know what you mean about seeing things that aren't there. I'd walk into a room, and say, "Where's Star?" and she would be sitting right in front of me. When I looked, I swear I saw an empty chair. The mind is crazy. It gives new meaning to a mind of its own

Some time has passed since you wrote this. I don't know when you'll see this but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending good energy your way. I hope you're doing better. I look forward to hearing from you.

Aiva Raine

Mar 28, 2023 at 9:40pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'm sorry for your loss. I know they are shitty sounding words that don't even attempt to fill or fix, but they're meant in sincerity.

Having lost several people the best advice I was ever given was when life gets too hard- take it at your own pace. If a day is too much- cope with an hour at a time. If that's too much, take it ten minutes at a time. If that's too much- then you deal with one minute at a time. Work through life and grief at your pace. And don't ever feel guilty because you feel sad. And if you can- find one positive in each chunk of time- even if it's something as little as the beauty of sunlight on a leaf or the softness of your shirt. And ask for help if you need it.

Elle - on hiatus

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:29pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Aw, Charlie, I'm so sorry. It's a shit thing to go through whether it's sudden or not. And just because everyone goes through it, doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't take into account that you were closer to them than your parents. Nobody says 'Oh, everyone loses their parents eventually' do they? Surely not. And that's what's happened here really. I'm actually glad you've got an appointment with a professional tomorrow, because they might be able to help you with getting through that initial devastation.

When my dad lost his mother, he really struggled with his own lack of religion. As you say, there is some comfort in believing they've gone to a better place, been reunited with loved ones, that you'll see them again, and so on. For most of my life, Dad would say 'Religion is a crutch for the weak', but I definitely saw him struggle with the finality of it when he lost his mother, the person he was probably closest to.

My thoughts are with you.

1 Like

~Minja~

Mar 7, 2023 at 3:21pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Crazy stuff, grief. If you want to talk about it, message me always.

1 Like

QPdoll

Mar 7, 2023 at 6:21am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I understand what you mean about wanting to tell your grandmother something. I did the same thing after my grandmother passed. I was at home and the first thing I thought was to call grandma. I picked up the phone and realized that she wouldn't answer. It's so tough losing your grandparents, especially as close as you were. I don't have any magic words, but take care of yourself. It's what they would want.

1 Like

Robert Waltz

Mar 6, 2023 at 10:31pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

Take care of yourself during this difficult time.

1 Like

Anni Pon

Mar 6, 2023 at 9:06pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I know it doesn't help any, but I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine much worse than losing a parent or parental figure. They represent stability and safety, you grew up with them, and you've relied on them for most, if not all, of your life. You're right, the initial devastation will fade and things won't feel so fresh. But, as you know, grief never really goes away. It just becomes a permanent part of you.

It's horrible that you only got a couple days worth of bereavement! That's not even long enough for the shock to wear off enough to START grieving. I hope you have the support of someone else in your life to help you through this dark time. Take it easy on yourself in the mean time, that's all you really can do. Taking care of your physical self, eating and sleeping, is critical. Sleep deprivation and hunger will make things feel a million times worse than they actually are (which, for the record, is already pretty bad).

1 Like

Harlow Flick, Right Fielder

Mar 6, 2023 at 8:56pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

This is such a very human thing, isn't it.

“I think there is nearly an overwhelming sadness to the human predicament.” - Skinny Boy Hill

BOOM! This ain’t no whipped cream pie I’m tossing.

1 Like

Cinn

Feb 20, 2023 at 9:34pm
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I actually pretty much love this one. Nice, man...

Cinn

Feb 19, 2023 at 11:07am
In response to "Invalid Entry"

I'd say that more freedom for participants would attract more people. One obvious example that I've never understood is fiction vs poetry. If it's an activity, not a contest, why not allow people to explore whatever the theme of your activity is with whatever type of writing that want to do?

I've actually written for countless contests/activities over the years but never entered... because they inspired me, but I don't fit within the guidelines. Max rating too low, items required (book entries only over here), no poetry accepted, etc.

I know well why people restrict writers' freedom, but they're also restricting the number of participants they'll get. I still just take the inspiration where I can get it.

September 6, 2020 at 10:35am

#992546

I'm not sensitive, you're sensitive.

"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Reflect on the last week. Write about something you did really well last week and something you could have done better.

"JAFBG" Prompt: Tell us about something/someone that fucked you off this week.

This is going to turn into a rant, so you've been forewarned.

In the last week, I've participated in a couple different birthday activities. I've done 30 reviews so far, and I think they've all been pretty good reviews. I think I did 30-ish reviews in all of last year so I'm killing it this year, by comparison. I'm planning to do 10 newbie reviews today and then that'll probably be it for me for birthday celebration.

I guess that's what I did well in the last week. Now for what I've done poorly...

My anxiety has completely reignited in the last few days. I think people who don't deal with anxiety, or don't deal with it frequently, maybe don't know how all-encompassing it actually is. There's so much more than just the straightforward feeling of being anxious.

There are the physical symptoms, for one thing. The headaches, nausea, racing heart, chest pains, body aches, muscle tension... all of which make you feel more anxious.

There are the interpersonal symptoms, which are some of my worst mental health symptoms, probably because I have a personality disorder layered on top of the anxiety.

I just get very... prickly(?) when I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety. I'm very quick to get upset or get angry. I'll give you two examples from this week.

So, this guy I know who I'm friends with and also not friends with messaged me and was like, "Oh, I have something to tell you, it's not a big deal at all, but don't get angry ok?" And just already being anxious and prickly, I instantly got angry. I was like why the fuck are you bringing up something that's 'not a big deal at all' if you know it's going to piss me off? If it's not a big fucking deal, then don't bring it up to me.

Of course, that little meltdown pissed him off and he was like, "Well, I just won't talk to you then!" So we haven't talked in a few days, which I'm not all that broken up about, but it's just an example of how prickly you can get when you're dealing with anxiety and other issues. The smallest thing can quickly spiral.

Then, example number two. Here's the setup for this one. My grandfather's birthday is in mid-September and mine is in mid-December. When I was a kid, I hated my birthday being super close to Christmas, I wished it was in October because that was my favorite month and then I'd actually get a birthday that was separate from Christmas.

Well, I complained to my grandparents about this and my grandfather was like, "You should celebrate your birthday with me in September!" Everyone else in our immediate family (literally everyone) was born from January-June. So I was like, hey, that's the closest other birthday to my birthday, we should do it.

I think my parents were all for this arrangement because it meant not having to dish out gifts for my birthday as they were trying to get gifts for everyone else too. So as a family, we've celebrate mine and my grandfather's birthday together pretty much always and then I've always celebrated with my friends in mid-December for my actual birthday.

With that setup out of the way, my grandfather called me yesterday and was like, "Hey, so, I don't want to celebrate my birthday with you anymore."

I was like, that's cool, but we've celebrated together for over 20 years, minus years I was away from the family. Seems a little weird that he would want to stop now that he's like eighty.

But I couldn't really get him to tell me why he wanted to stop celebrating together. I was making light of it like, "You want your special day to yourself?" and he was laughing about it. But then he's like, "I actually don't want to go to Thanksgiving or Christmas either. I don't want to be around your dad."

That set off this whole-ass conversation that I didn't want to have, so I cut it super short and I was just like, "Do what you wanna do, but don't worry about the birthday thing." It's really not a big deal, just one of those weird family traditions that neither of us probably have cared about for years and were doing for the other person.

These two incidents are just microcosms of my entire week where I've felt like I've done something wrong or pissed someone off. I just feel super prickly- emotionally and physically sensitive to everything.

I try really hard to anticipate what other people want from me, but it's like, extremely fucking difficult to do. Even on WDC, it can be hard. Like, I get a review response and I'm like, shit, I pissed someone off. Or I have a conversation with someone and I see them say something related elsewhere on the site and I'm like, shit, I pissed them off.

Those little "conflicts" which aren't really conflicts, more just like shit that happens, really suck when you're going through a heightened anxiety cycle. Kira will be like, "Are you paying attention to what I'm saying?" And I'm like, well, fuck, my hands are shaking, my heart is racing, my thoughts are racing... I'm doing the best I fucking can to pay attention to what you're saying with every part of my body feeling like an electrical current is running through it.

When I get like this, I get this attitude going like I'm just not gonna respond to anyone. Like, I'm just not going to answer my phone, not gonna answer my messages, just gonna go total no contact with the world. Even if it's a nice message or something, can't offended or annoy someone if you don't respond, right?

But of course... wrong. Because if you don't respond then it's like, "Why are you ignoring me? I saw you read my message. You had to have checked your phone in the past 3 days. I see that you're online."

So, I dunno. I guess to loop back around to the prompt, the thing I did poorly in the last week was maintaining my composure with people. Or, well, that's not true. I maintained my composure with people and then I went and privately beat myself up because I'm prickly over everything.

I also never got my anxiety med situation sorted out because I've been dealing with a lot between pain/surgery and work. Feels super overwhelming to me. So, this week I'll hopefully either be able to calm myself down through various therapy and self-care techniques I've learned over the years, or I'll unplug completely from everyone/everything and give that a spin.

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