Last week in the poetry newsletter John Ashen used a formulaic example of writing poetry. Since all the formulaes I know are applicable to the use and installation of electrical components, his example seemed doable but barely. I shall have to try it myself in fact I think I did once and the darned thing got published. Anyway the point of these observations are two-fold. First I am announcing I am back. Yep packed my bags and headed to do war.
Second I thought I would once again ask you your secret. You seem to have become the king of the storoem. Can I ask a special favor? Let me see some more of your works. All types.
Suggestions
I have no suggestions. You have written this at your normal level of expertise. Thanks for sharing it.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
It is rare for a poem to touch on the soul of life. Losing a loved one is hard and if it is what some call true love then it can even become impossible. For the heart that loves so strongly the breaking goes beyond mere mental anguish. The heart that holds so much love becomes like our dear Lord's heart and breaks physically.
I think this poem caught a moment when a soul decided it could not carry on without love.
In any case it is written in your normal flawless manner.
It is always a pleasure to read your work. You have a nice touch with your grammar skills and general knowledge of writing shining through. Hence you rarely do anything but a great job. When I first came to writing.com some helpful soul told me that writing was never perfected. It was abandoned. I tend to disagree. I think writing in its many forms can be perfected. This poem is as close of an example as I can find.
Your use of simile and metaphor are superb examples of their use. The subject of the poem is touching and I would think, an emotion we all feel from time to time. You captured it and presented it artfully to your readers. All-in-all I would say possibly this is a perfect poem.
Suggestions
Add a graphic..perhaps a fallen statue.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Before I begin to review your work I would like to tell you how happy I am that you are here at writing.com. I have been here for about a year and a little bit. It is a wonderful site where writers share their works and help each other learn new skills or hone their existing skills. There are some truly wonderful and friendly people here. If you should have any questions concerning how the site works please don’t hesitate to ask me or anybody else. As I said this is a friendly site.
Now about your work:
WOW! I loved this story. The inclusion of the Indian was very creative and added a mystical flavor to the work that both interested me and provided a good avenue for the healing. This story works. As with any work there are problems, yours are very minor. So I hope you wont be offended by the comments.
Suggestions
Punctuation: I would suggest you buddy up with somebody reliable on the site and maybe have them check your work for punctuation errors.
Grammar: Here again there are no major mistakes but one or two at most.
I truly loved the way you worked this story. Well done!
hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Long time no see. Anyway as I read your latest work I was again pleased with the skill you display each time you place an item for review. I swear you have got VOICES in your head. Fortunately they do not direct you to do horrible things. I found in this work on or two spots I might have used another word. as and example, where you had his sins weighed heavily on his heart. It is a good way of saying it, but I somehow balked at the usage. Maybe it is just overused? Not sure.
Anyway you did a marvelous job as usual and I thank you for all patientence with my rambling.
PS: I without permission added an acknowledgement to barefoot...for all your help editting. I hope you do not mind.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Before I begin to review your work I would like to welcome you to writing.com. I have been here for about a year and a little bit. It is a wonderful site where writers share their works and help each other learn new skills or hone their existing skills. There are some truly wonderful and friendly people here. If you should have any questions concerning how the site works please don’t hesitate to ask me or anybody else. As I said this is a friendly site.
Now about your work:
As I was just explaining to another member this morning. I love poetry. Its simple form and frugality of words make it easy on the eyes. Your poem has a definite form. It paints a good image the reader can connect with and does so with a minimum of words. I think your poem goes beyond that a bit in that it expresses desire - another great emotion for poetry. Overall I liked your work, it does however have problems. Please remember that this is merely my opinion and that my comments are not meant to hurt you. They are meant to give you feed back and offer suggestions.
Suggestions
Rhyming: Your rhyme scheme is off in several places the word combinations that don't seem to work to me are:
face and caress
Step and trip - these are weak rhymes
day and ways - the plural ends the rhyme
I use the rhyming ditionary online to look up my rhymes before I try to use them. I look for a word that fits the natural flow of the poem so it will not seem forced. I do this when I get stuck or am unsure if I have an actual rhyme.
Meter: Your meter varies greatly throughout your poem you will find I think you have some words that are useless additives to your meaning. My example:
The heat from the sun beats down on my face,
Oh, what a gentle caress.
the words: from the sun beats down
are in direct opposition to the thought os agentle caress. I would re-word this to soften the effect of the sun and shorten the line. Something like this.
The suns warmth touches my face,
Oh what a gentle caress.
It doesn't solve the rhyme problem but it bring the meter closer.
I would be pleased to offer you a full edit of your poem with explanations if you would like. I will do so privately upon your request.
Understand I like your poem.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Mom, not sure this is strickly legal me doing a review for something I helped write, well perhaps my participation level is low enough it will be okay.
As with all of your works, this is a technical marvel. To look for technical errors is almost ludricous.
What I especially liked about this poem was you ability to catch the essence of a relationship and capture it in poetry. I being and engineer can not help but notice the sphere and cube. While they are fundementally different shapes it is a good practice to not be repetitious with your analogies and since they are both capable of having volume and therefore containing some quantitative measure of liquid, solid, or is this case relations, It is very appropriate.
Thank you for using my words. Sorry if I goofed this up I was medicated.
Hugs and love
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Before I begin to review your work I would like to welcome you to writing.com. I have been here for about a year and a little bit. It is a wonderful site where writers share their works and help each other learn new skills or hone their existing skills. There are some truly wonderful and friendly people here. If you should have any questions concerning how the site works please don’t hesitate to ask me or anybody else. As I said this is a friendly site.
Now about your work:
I suffer from anxiety attacks. Boy and howdy so your work speaks to me on that level if none other. I really liked the way you worked out the poem. The single word lines and then explosion of feeling. It is very appropriate. I do however have some problems with your work that I will discuss below.
Suggestions
Okay now for the stuff I think you could work with to make your poem better. Of course this is just my opinion and is worth just about as much as I get paid to write it. Hmmm that sounds bad but it really isn't.
First you have a problem with rhyme. Though you don't seem to be trying to rhyme you still do it. It just needs to be consistent. Also you started this poem with a measured beat and seemed to lean toward a consistent rhythm. I think with your permission I will show you what I mean:
Your Poem
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Wound up like a clock.
Tension is in the air,
need to be elsewhere.
Energy needs to be released,
will someone help me please?
Not enough air...
doesn't anyone care?
Hands shaking like a leaf...
will someone give me relief?
Not enough room...
please come soon.
(My comments)
Below is a revised version with what I see as corrections:
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Wound up like a clock.
Tension is in the air,
Need to be elsewhere.
Energy needs release,
Someone help me please.
Not enough air...
Does anyone care?
Hands shaking like a leaf...
Can I somehow get relief?
Not enough room...
They sound my doom.
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
I hope my somments do not offend you. They are not meant to do that. They were supposed to show you that you have written an inspiring poem that I like very much.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Before I begin to review your work I would like to welcome you to writing.com. I have been here for about a year and a little bit. It is a wonderful site where writers share there works and help each other learn new skills or hone there existing skills. There are some truly wonderful and friendly people here. If you should have any questions concerning how the site works please don’t hesitate to ask.
Now about your work: I am a poetry nut, not claiming to know everything about it but just saying I love the way words play with each other or start fights with each other. In your poem you make some technical errors that cost you as a poet. Your punctuation is odd and strictly speaking you rhyming and or not rhyming causes me to wonder.
So you may say...why bother reading my poem? The answer is poetry speaks to the soul and your title was enough to attract my attention. If you will indulge me a moment I would ask you a question and give you some examples. WHat is a fiery sea? Does it refer to the angry motion or the color? Notice if you will that your last stanza is almost entirely about the sea. How does this relate to the title?
Now with your permission I would like to try my hand at your poem. Perhaps it will help you to figure out what drew me to read it.
Suggestions
First Stanza
Life - in all its colours.
Life loses its true meaning.
Without,
The clouds that bear rain.
The howling wind that does reign.
And the fiery seas are not vain.
(My comments)
This would be my way of handling the title as pertains to first stanza.
Life - In All Its Colours.
Life loses its meaning without:
The white puffy clouds that bring shade.
The crsytal breeze odors does shout.
Against fiery sunset sea displayed.
I guess to each is their own understanding. I would never tell you how to write so please accept my comments merely as those of a friend who wants you to see your own potential.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
There are things in life that we tend to ignore or that escapes our attention to the extent that time slips from our grasp. Just as God allows us to become comfortable with ourselves we discover time is up. Yet that is just this life. The next holds great promise.
Your imagery and vocabulary are combined in an expertly concise manner which enhances the effect for the reader.
You wrote a well constructed and beautifully executed work of love.
Suggestions
None: Don't mess with perfection.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Before I begin to review your work I would like to welcome you to writing.com. I have been here for about a year and a little bit. It is a wonderful site where writers share there works and help each other learn new skills or hone there existing skills. There are some truly wonderful and friendly people here. If you should have any questions concerning how the site works please don’t hesitate to ask.
Now about your work:
It is written with emotion and feeling. You capture what sounds like a budding relationship that has overcome the boundary of trust. This much is apparent and is very very right about your work. Here are a few suggestions and problems:
Suggestions
Poetry is all about using a few words to convey the feelings or meaning of some event in your life. Some of your lines are rather long and need some work with the grammar.
Punctuation: You pretty much skipped it but I can't you need to use it to tell the reader HOW to read your poem; slow, fast, pausing here, give them directions and they will get the full impact of your work.
Capitalization:It is a normally accepted practice to capitalize the first letter of each line. You could also use it for emphasis.
Word usage: When you write you should take time to make sure the word your using is the word you intended. My example is your word sense, I think you meant since.
Below you will find your poem with some corrections and comments:
First Stanza
I walk along through ghosts
when I first ran into you you stubbed my toe
You have been real to me ever sense
Eventhough love didn't first exist
(My comments)
I like the first line, I take it to mean that people typically don't seem real to you, that they are mere ghosts of real people.
The second line is awkwardly worded and could use a little work making it read smoothly.
The third line has the famous sense word in it and needs repair.
The fourth line has a spacing problem and is a little awkward.
Okay this is how your poem would look if I wrote it:
I walk along through ghosts.
When I first ran into you, I stubbed my toe,
You have been real to me ever since.
Even though love at first didn't exist
I hope my ramblings and efforts have not offended you. They were not meant to. They were meant only to tell you that you have an inspiring mind and with a little practice would be a great poet. If you would like a full review, please feel free to write me. I will try to help.
Hope to see more soon
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
I can remember the days when I was a little girl. I loved to read, everything and everything. My brother read sci fi so I did too. My mom read mysterys and so I read mysterys. My dad read occult and self help so I read that. I got to read classics because my grandmother insisted. Then occasionally I got to read anything I want. I would go buy a book used one or venture to the library at scool and get one.
What I read had the ability to make me laugh, cry, have nightmares, and lose all track of time. This is a short piece with an interesting perspective. It held me as well as anything else I have read. I thought it was great.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
SIGH here we go again, you have completely taken all of the little platitudes I could possible use and squashed them flat. I thought this a good one the last line pretty much summing up life. You can't go through it without getting some gray on you. The real question is do you even try to wash it off.
Great thought provoking writing
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Excuse me while I wash my face..okay thanks. This is just not fair game. I understand the need to write something effective but please not something so devasting. I think even though you said that it was unusual for a patient to go this route you touched on a pattern that holds true. It is realistic and well written. Good Job.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
This was great, having experienced the feeling of being on a tropical island I can tell you that the picture you painted was very realistic. I remember best of all the louvers and sitting beside them with an effect better than the best airconditioning.
Great writing.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Just another example of a style you master with ease. You really must have a computer that helps you write these. No thats not fair you're just very very good at this. Keep up the good work.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Okay I don't see the problem that someone else must because I think you have a five here. It flows very smoothly, does not have any particular blunders, and leaves the reader with a good feelings. Great Job.
Suggestions
Not a one...I thought it just another example of your wonderful work.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
One thing a writer or poet can do that indicates their mastery of the art is too write something that pulls the reader into it and while they are in the world created by the author learn something they did not know about the writer or poet. Though I knew much of what you have written it still captured for me once again in words that warmed the page who you are...or at least a little piece of who you are.
I have already teased you with this but I shall do so for the benefit of those that read this wonderful poem. I wanna know who you are cuddling with under that quilt. And um does Robert know???? Sorry if my teasing makes you blush, I certainly hope it doesn't anger you. I can honestly say it made me smile...
Suggestions
No suggestions, I loved this poem for its simple beauty and celebration of one of lifes simplest pleasures.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Before we chat about your poem let me add my welcome to Writing.com to those that have come before me. I have been here a little more than a year and I love this site. In my humble opinion it ought to be winning awards for igenuity.
Though I am not fond of this form of poetry I found yours full of feelings of hope for mankind. The problem I see with what you have done is that until the last stanza you did not capitalize the first letter of each line then in the last you capitalized them.
Wow...
Sorry I have nothing better to add hope you keep writing and sharing.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Before I chat with you about your poem allow me to welcome you to Writing.com. I have been here for just over a year and think I have found the best site on the web. I would encourage you to ask questions and get involved. As you do get involved if some question does come up please feel free to ask me.
Now about your poem, I thought it short and to the point. A few things I noticed, you use contractions in your poetry, not good or bad, though I would not over use them. I typically capitalize the first letter of each line. (not a must but accepted)
Suggestions
None it was a good read.
Thanks for sharing
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Good things come in small packages and so it is true. This was a short piece that held love and emotion for a dog lovers dogs. It's execution seemed flawless to me and you seemed right at home writing about your fuarbabies. Wonderful clean job.
Suggestions
None...
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
As you probably know I love to fiddle with poetry others write. Not that mine is any better than there, but more so because I found something inspiring in their work. Sometimes it is pure beauty and others it is merely a line that seemed off and I could not let it pass. Yours are quite inspiring.
I like the imagery of this work it spoke to me of the beauty I have seen in God's great creation.
Suggestions
What I found difficult in your poem was the meter was constantly changing. This isn't bad it was more just distracting.
May I play for a second? Your first stanza...
The birds take flight
in the softness of light,
brought by the morning sun
nature's beauty has begun.
and now....a blonde creation:
The birds with cacaphony of sound take flight
in the softness of dawn's mystic, hazy light.
Infused with rose color by the morning sun,
nature's beautiful coronation has begun.
I hope my playing hasn't offended.
Thanks for sharing
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
So true and so clearly written I congratulate you on capturing the sometimes jhopeless side of loving another. You have no choice but to love them no matter how much the hurt you. Though you may not be able to stand their presence you certainly never forget them nor get used to them not being around.
Suggestions
Your meter goes back and forth throughout this poem seemingly with randomness. I wonder if it is possible to write a poem so that it creates music from its words? Silly huh.
You have great skill thanks for sharing it.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
This is not one of my favorite of your works. You picked on a subject I wish for every day. Guess I don't see it as that much of an interruption yet. I also thought your rhyming a bit off for you. What I did like very much was the candid point of view about life. I wonder though, is it just me or this couple was simply not ready for a baby?
Suggestions
Maybe revising the last line would solve any rhyming I was not totally happy with. I have a poem posted right now that I don't care for my solution to the rhyming. So sometimes I guess it is just preception.
Thanks for sharing and writing, you do both very well.
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Okay me giving you anything but a five is to say the least unusual. I liked the work indeed thought it quite good, but for me it read more like prose than poetry. Now the disclaimer, what do I know about poetry? Especially free verse.
Suggestions
No suggestions...but would love to see one of your more classical versions of poetic prowess.
Thanks for sharing
Hugs
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Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
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