Nice piece of writing. I noticed a couple of typo's but not much more.
he was now become frantic. is what I read but it doesn't flow. Did you mean 'he was now becoming frantic.'
There was one more higher up in the piece too.
I like the way you had your character remain cool until the end. The thought process was right it would have been something done at a hazing with the coffin in a room. I like how fast you managed to get the tone of the piece to change so fast when he realised that it was real.
You also left a lot of question. Who were the group who buried him? How did they take him unaware?
I very much like what you have done here. Reporting on the Boston Tea Party like you were writing a newspaper article.
You did this very well I could hear the words as if they were being reported on the television too. By that I mean the way in which you structured your sentences.
The first line of your piece could be headline read out by the anchor man on the local news program.
Minds are wonderful things for most of us. They let us dream and imagine fantastic things. They enable to craft writing that can spellbind others.
Then there are those whose minds are damaged or who do not think like the rest of society. They see only dark things and fearful thoughts fill their waking hours. For these people life can be a burden.
The latter is a sad fact but as science progresses and medicines get better we are making in roads on some of these issues.
Your writing is pretty accurate we all have doubts on occasion, we all have the ability to change and influence others through our actions and our actions are controlled by our minds.
Wow, I may not have reviewed your work very well and I apologise for this but in one way it has done its job. It has made me think and collate my thought s on the mind and how it works within us, for good or bad.
For this reason I say you have wrote a great piece because why else do we write unless it is to influence or stimulate others?
I am English! I am proud to be English. I know i am part of the UK or Great Britain, i know and accept that, i am also proud of that fact.
I think we see the same thing but from different sides of the fence. If i fill a form in, in some instances it will offer the option for Scottish, Welsh or Irish, then British very rarely does it offer the option for English.
I can understand the frustration you must feel to be labelled British when abroad because it annoys the pants off me too.
As a nation the UK or Great Britain ARE great, we fight well as a nation, we are a stubborn nation, but like you say we are a nation of multiple countries.
We are all very loyal to our local areas too. I think this is something that is bred into us, it is in our DNA.
As a nation we are very much a mongrel race, we have had a lot of settlers over the centuries add there DNA to that of the native peoples.
So i respect your right to be called Sottish and Welsh, and I Fiercely want to be recognised as English, but if it ever came down to it we would stand side by side to defend our United Kingdom.
Or that has been the case for a long time now. I hope it will carry on.
I agree with your sentiments here. Not about the Beatles i have never been a massive fan but i will listen to them, but with the whole remixing thing.
If a band wants something reworked they should be the ones to do it. i do not mean remix i mean rework and reklease as a complete new entity. The sounds on vinyl are what makes those songs great to their fans. That sound is is integral to who and what they are. This is only my opinion.
There seems to be a trend now to remix most back catologues i have always asked this question, is it the band releasing this remixed cd or is it the record company trying to make more money from the same songs in a new format? So cashing in on a trend for the sake of profit not out of any true love of the music.
Nice little story, the only thing bothering me was why did they think he had killed the lady 'Karen'.
You have plenty of scope to take this further. Many different conspiracy plots can be woven from this. You have a prince a staged murder. Ooh so much you could do.
I noticed one spelling mistake 'Karen calmy reached out her left hand.' Other than that I will not comment on grammar as it is my weak spot.
Love, what is it? A very good question one that means different things to different people.
I think it changes as the relationship changes.
Not the feeling but the way it is expressed.
I have been with my wife a long time now and we still love each other but it is not the passion filled tearing each others clothes off type of thing which is what it was when we first met. I do not mean the lust phase of a relationship I mean the 'we need to be together and feel each other close' phase
To us love is showing respect to each other, not taking each other for granted, helping each other, those little unexplained gifts or actions that do not mean anything to others.
It is hard to explain. Passion wains but true love endures in our everyday interactions.
Nobody deserves to be shown the disrespect of someone who cheats, a cheater doesn't love, never has loved or they wouldn't feel the need to love.
Sorry for intruding my thoughts. Back to your writing.
A lot of passion shared within your sentences, I feel that you have been hurt by someone and deep down it came as no surprise.
You wrote very well if this is the case as sometimes when our emotions take over our words can just run away from us. Whereas yours told us something.
Different. I cannot decide whether this was written from a child's point of view or an adult's. If it was a child then well done, the use of 'big machine with wires, and squiggly lines' fit this idea very well.
It shows that all gaps can be bridged, you just have to find some common ground.
This something I think we can all relate to. I had a similar experience when I started work. Suddenly instead of being around guys my own age I was working with guys my dads age.
Those first few days were awkward, the only conversation really about the job we were doing but then over time you start to build up a relationship and it stops feeling funny calling some Jim who only two months previously you would have called Mr Smith.
I will not lie I struggled a bit to follow all the changes but saying that it is a well written piece.
You have dialogue that works, some nice descriptive phrases. It would probably start to fit together better if I read it through again, which I will do.
The grammar in the piece I will not comment on as I do not know enough myself.
A good story, a bit different. There is ample scope to turn this into something more.
You could tell the story from the body jumpers view point, they could be anything, alien, spy, government experiment. The only restriction is your imagination.
I cannot tell you much about the grammar as I need to improve in that area myself. From a story point of view though it works, it flows, and it kept me hooked.
This is a million miles away from what I would normally read. Well done I enjoyed this piece.
Nice little tale of rebirth and triumph against the elements or adversity. it gave me a smile as I finished reading it.
I cannot really comment on the grammar and such because this is an area I need to improve on myself.
Although short I felt that you told a nice story, enough detail to give us a bit of history as to why they were out in the cold. A brief history of the Phoenix and how they rarely they issue offspring.
Nice story, i did notice a few spelling mistakes or as i sometimes do my mind runs in front and the writing does not keep up.
You have plenty of scope for building this up into something bigger. Maybe they meet again or you recount Emicarn's life story.
Certainly enjoyable, i cannot comment on the grammar oe constructioon as mine leaves a lot to be desired. If i was you i would maybe read through your story, put right the few spellings mistakes and then take it further. Maybe build the young bravos part of the story upo a bit. Build the tension that sort of thing.
Very nice. I always struggle with these short stories. You managed to fit a good plot with a beginning middle and end with a nice twist at the end with the other aliens being totally ruthless and the first aliens admitting that the earth had been lied to but now wanted to help.
In this day and age with all the conspiracy theories this is the sort of story that is just believable enough for us to actually get engrossed in the story line and then instead of just accepting it as a piece of fiction, we actually walk away thinking 'I wonder if this could happen?'
Again well done nice piece. I cannot comment on structure and grammar as I need to improve greatly myself.
Nikola Tesla a true genius. I do not know that much about the man himself only I heard that he had a lot of ideas stolen.
He managed to prove electricity could be used by what we now call wireless capability. He did this by lighting light bulbs that were spread around his experiment area.
His truly must have been a unique way of looking at the world his mind truly awe inspiring.
You wrote well in my opinion I am not really qualified to comment on construction or grammar as it is an area I struggle with myself.
I enjoyed this. I was thinking your character was a person who was having to hide out in the desert for maybe some mob related or crime reason. Or even a post nuclear world.
I like the bit at the end about the voice coming out of nowhere.
I will not comment on the grammar or construction as this is an area that i have a problem with, so rather than deliver a technical breakdown I have just explained how it made me feel and what I liked.
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