Deep fealings here. I could not imagine how it would feel to be blind. To never see my children or watch a sunset. We take these things for granted.
I like the way you have written this, it feels like a matter of fact style. Not depressed or self pity but acceptance and a longing to experience one thing.
I thought your character was having a hard time then you hit us with the cancer. Nice touch from the stories point of view but i couldn't help feeling 'boy this guy needs a break.'
The light at the end was a nice touch, he got to see what he always longed to see.
Different spin on the usual vampire story. I enjoyed this, although still dark it was not so gory as some that we read.
Not blood thirsty but you let us know how Winston was going to be rejuvenated.
Your 'Thwak' line made me laugh, a little bit of humour it felt like.
Obviously this is a small piece of writing if you developed it further you could turn it into anything. Maybe go into a bit more detail on why he was late, was he stalking another vampire who had moved into the area? or was he fighting a werewolf pack similar type of tale like the underworld series. Lots of different directions.
Sad ending but from your point of view it could be like a door opening. You have plenty of scope to take this further. Delve back into the past of the twins, discover some family secret or intrigue the sister was involved in. This could be anything from drug smuggler to modern day slave trade, or even secret agent.
Your story flowed nicely along its timeline.
Grammar I am not very good with so no comment on that.
The shock at the end of your piece was nicely done, a good twist.
Let me know if you do build this into something bigger
This made me smile and gave me a nice feeling when i read the last couple of lines.
Luckily, i personally have not suffered with depression, but i have friends and family who have. It is not a nice thing to witness never mind to live through.
Your dialogue worked well it helped tell the story. It also helped with the uplifting feeling at the end.
The parts of your story that i would call the adrk phase were well done. You painted a bleak picture and i could sense your characters pain.
Those last three lines, although only a very small part of a bigger whole are the bits that to me had the most impact. It was the halleluah moment. Bleakness lifted, darkness banished.
I will pour my soul into a piece and when i start iv'e got ideas and plots falling out of my pockets. Then it happens i will hit the wall. Sometimes i walk away and leave ir for a while then when i come back and read a peice through it kick starts my imagination again. I sometimes feel the same after i have finished a piec, i will want to write but my fuel reserve is gone. I find in these moments that i watch a film or take a few days away or read something. Anything other that write sort of recharges my batteries. I keep a pen and pad handy and any ideas or stimuli i note down and pretty soon my idea cup runeth over again.
It is never easy though.
If nothing else even with the small item you are putting pen to paper.
I liked the way you used space as a way to describe her search for answers.
You left us asking questions though. Who was her companion? What was the answer she was searching for?
You could take it further if you turned the question into something of great importance like the combination to a bomb that had been planted or the cure to a disease that was ravaging the land. Or even something like what was she going to do with her life.
What bit of dialogue you used did work she gave the impression of being lost in thought which your dialogue nailed to be honest.
I liked the dialogue you used it worked well and fit the scenes you were describing perfectly. The resigned but slightly rude way in which the girl spoke to her father, down to the honest confession of the father about his dislike of Ryan. It all felt right and believable.
You delivered details of the story through the dialogue letting us know why they were not talking properly and even details about the fathers business.
I like the way your story flows, the frustration of not feeling up to the job then the procrastinating then the flash of inspiration.
I think we all have days like the one you have described. If I try to enter a competition I get the same thing, blank. Yet whilst at work I get ideas on top of ideas.
I liked the last two lines they worked nicely too, the moment of the breakthrough.
A nice twist at the end when it became known that you were referring to the Sun and the Earth.
I think I picked up on a couple of typo's where the words did not quite flow for me. 'It's not that he was never been in a relationship. He was.' That last line I think it would flow better with the word 'HAD' instead of 'WAS'.
That is just my opinion so that does not mean that I am right just that is what I feel.
I like the way you worded the story not revealing who your characters were until the end.
You managed to say so much so little actually said.
In those opening sentences you managed to let us know he had nearly been in an accident and that the road conditions were poor, and he had survived the ordeal.
Hmm, Unfortunately most of us have experienced something similar or we know someone who has.
Breaking up with someone for whatever reason is hard. It is emotionally and physically draining. It sucks up all of our will to do anything, to get involved with socialising, to being pleasant with others. There are a few things it can lead us to do unfortunately most of them negative.
Forgiveness true forgiveness is hard, to forgive and not to throw the incident back into their face during an argument is hard. Genuine forgiveness is very hard to find.
I liked your writing, a lot of pain, a lot of emotion evident. Even though the word count was so, so, small you managed to get a backstory in there for information.
hi, I enjoyed your descriptive phrases that you used, very nice.
I was starting to feel sad for your main character right up until the last line when you had the door knocked. Then I felt a bit of a surge of joy for her. A sort of hope renewed.
The story flowed nicely and the ending was great, a little bit of joy at the end of what was turning into a miserable evening.
Grammar, I'm a bit of a numpty I am afraid so I will not comment. I did however enjoy reading your piece. Well done.
This made me chuckle when I read the last line. I like the idea of a vengeful turkey and chicken.
I enjoyed the dialogue you used, it worked well between your characters.
For such a small word count you still managed to get the story to flow. It had a start, the initial bargaining between the two. Then you had the middle where the chicken spoiled the turkey's plan, then the end where they identified butterball turkey.
You describe3d the main characters feelings quite well, I got the impression that he was reigned to his fate until they bought his son in. Then his mood changed, fear for someone else other than himself.
I like the end where the son actually killed the lion and won his freedom, right at the last minute the main character knew his son was safe.
I cannot comment on the grammar of the piece as it is my weak area.
I think that your story flowed well and you added a nice twist when you added the son to the mix.
I like the way you got fox to help but still managed to keep the identity of what most people think of foxes, tricky, sneaky, and cunning.
It is a story we can draw comparisons to with tribes in the Amazon where the tribes are dispossessed and the modern world catches up to them.
You could take it further, not sure how much further. Maybe have the rodents start a colony then have the Cobra family try to get revenge and have mamma mouse lead the fight against them.
I like the way you described the day that worked well.
Same with the mural the description although short did the job and got us filling the blanks in with our own imagination.
I think i noticed a couple of typo's that you may want to look at. 'wore a suit jacked..'and 'She puled..'
To me it seems like the bosses name changed halfway through from 'Evelyn to Sara' unless i have mis-read it.
I like the slight tension as she rings the buzzer.
Are you going to take it further? Maybe have the graffilt artist a serial risque portrait painter without the knowlwedge of his victims. Or maybe have the boss hunt him down to make him pay for painting her. Have the artist paint every woman in the office so it is someone they all know.
Lots of plot ideas. I think you may have the seed of something longer here. Although i pointed those issues they are only small little things.
The story flowed nicely from start to finish, it made me staart asking questions so you obviously engaged me with your writing.
I was struggling to read towards the end my eyes were full of water, right on the edge of tears. The only reason I managed to resist is because I'm a big butch biker sat at my office desk at lunch time. It was close though.
The dialogue flowed nicely it fit the scene perfectly. Nice emotion portrayed. You would need a heart of stone not to be affected by this.
For me you have succeeded as an author with this, you affected me at an emotional level.
I cannot comment on the grammar as it is my weak spot.
I enjoyed the dialogue between the main characters, that seemed to flow naturally between them.
The ending was a nice twist. So without going into great detail you not only let us know she survived but they actually did turn her into a weapon who could regenerate herself.
Grammar is my weakness so I will not comment.
I did enjoy reading this. Do you plan on taking it further? Maybe turning her into an assassin using her hands as weapons.
I enjoyed the bit of humour you used at the beginning of the piece it worked well.
I am not too keen on the subject material but that is a personal thing.
Your descriptive phrases worked well. At the beginning you did not go into lots of detail about the appearance of the church you told us enough to trigger our minds into painting a church. The fact that you said you were waist deep in water on a balcony was enough for us to include that in our vision. Nice technique, saves on the word count but gets the job done.
I would imagine if we were to ask someone about their religious ceremonies and practices from other countries we would find them strange. That helped to remind me that we are all different.
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