Watch out for your tenses in the irst part of your tale here, you seem to jump from past to present to future without finishing the story in the same tense.
I enjoyed the piece it gave me an insight into you as a person. I would have however liked to have seen more development here, what are these things that others expected of you, what things did they want for you, where have you failed and how. Also I would have liked to have seen a more positive side of the dam story, for example the dam will break unless something is done about the cracks.
One typo I noticed int he piece -
"hope the my future will be bright." - that my
Overall this is a great insight into you as a person and how you have become and continue to grow as YOU.
This is a wonderful idea, I love to review so this caught my eye immediately.
Always on the look out for a forum in which to find a plethora of items to review and this will definately give that medium in which to do so and get rewards.
The rewards are great and not only encourages participants to accept the reviewing challenge but will giuve a platform for getting better at reviewing.
I am a firm believer that the more reviews you do the better your own writing will be.
I am would love to be a part of this group!
Reviewers Club.
I couldnt quite get to grips with the rhyme scheme here, it is too forced, over done and a little childlike. It doesnt give the edge I would hope for in a piece on this subject. Also in parts the actual rhyme itself is rather weak e.g
"Advancing towards me with swords drawn
Demanding I face where I am wrong."
For a poem of this length I would have opted for at least a rhyme of acbd or bd as it infringes on the actual message of the poem.
This poem is so long and so hard to read because of the rhyme scheme giving a tedious feel that I found it really difficult to read the poem in its entirety, it really did feel like hard work and some of the poem was forgotten before I had reached half way down and I found myself having to re-read to remember what I had read in the beginning.
Have a look too at the rhythm here, in some parts it flows rather raggedly, offbeat and these stick out like sore thumbs. For the main part it is smooth flowing and gently rolls on, but watch for those off the track lines that just don't feel right.
I would have cut this in half even smaller into a quarter, it feels repetitive and confusing in parts. Leave room for subtlety, you do not always have to point every detail out, in fact a lot more can be said in what you don't say.
I know I have given what maybe construed as negative points, but this is personal opinion only and I only give my advice where I think it will help the author write better. That said there are some nice touches here, you have some great imagery here. My advice is to write from the gut, when you think to yourself "what else do I need to say here" or "how will I end this" stop, you may have already written too much. Also try reading aloud, I always read my works out aloud to find the natural rhythm and sound and feel of the poem/song/piece, when you need to take a breath this is where your poem should pause, when you gut tells you this is not rteading like I want it to read, then you need to stop and re-evaluate, edit, re-read.
Some nice touches and good touches, but needs a lot of work to really make an impact.
The language is old fashioned, the beat off key, the imagery wild and untamed, and yet this all adds to beautifying this poem with a strange radiance that compells me to read on and re -read.
I found myself spellbound by the sheer drama. This poem is mystifying and rare, a joy to read. Some wonderful and exotic imagery here. I almost wanted it to rhyme however, as if that natural rhythm created here begged for it.
Often we get reviews that we feel did not do our work justice becuase the reviewer sint't a great fan of the genre we write in. This can be so frustrating. Here you can not only recieve an excellent review but also the chance to read some great pieces in your own genre. This is a great chance for your members to grow by learning from each other.
I have fallen in love with this poem. Deep, scarred, emotional and if not a little twist of gothic.
I love the line -
"Still bleed and ooze,
Blistering my hideous skin" - fantastic
The imagery here is just breathtaking. Black and haunting.
I found no typos here but have a look at some of the punctuation, e.g
"I open my eyes to the darkness
My dreams wasted." commar after darkness
"Blistering my hideous skin
Cold to the touch," I would insert a commar after skin.
Also I would have had the mid-section as one long sentence broken by commars and not full stop so that the reader can feel the build up, and adds to the feel of the poem, almost panicky, realising what is inside. Instead statements, this would read as if you were realising yourself, coming to terms almost with what is within yourself, tryign to overcome those demons and realising ther shock of it all.
Overall this is a great poem, I read it and connected instantly, it reads a little like some of my own darker works.
I loved this story, it reminded me so very much of the ongoing tale of sion and sian a tale my dad would make up every night, telling me and my brother our night time tale before we went to sleep. He never did finish the story. Maybe one day I will!
Charming as ever, you have the gift of captivating children of all ages.
Repetition is important for developing children, getting them to memorise words and phrases help them learn vocabulary, recognise sounds and shapes as well as having fun, with this one they will be learning without even knowing they will be having so much fun. I imagine a classroom and all of the children crying out and laughing repeating the rhymes as they go along.
I loved the piece you showcase here, I am sure there are many more advice tips you would love to share with us, I know there are many people waiting to read them. As authors we all understand the need for such articles to help us establish, help us gain a better insight and help us develop as writers.
For those of us wanting to try out different styles and for those of us who just want to know that we are on the right track pieces advice pages are more than welcomed they are embraced.
I cannot wait to learn the other tricks of the trade you will put in this folder.
This is great help to all authors not just the new but for the established ones too.
It is always important to be able to recognise and learn from new techniques as well as the knowledge we already know. Some authors may only write from one POV as a rule but I feel it is important to know the rules of writing them from all perspectives.
Great helpful advice. Set out in an easy to understand guide, seperated neatly and concisely, saying exactly what is needed without over flowering the piece.
The examples used were perfect. This is a great piece one every author should read and grasp.
This reminds me of the vivid and horrible dreams I have been having of late, they too have had snakes in them, more prominently rats.
Good use of imagery here, I would have liked to have seen a more fliuid flow however which would have illustrated the dream like state in a more visual manner.
I love the line
"this deception feels so right" - powerful image.
This is a big bundle of love, devotion, heartbreak, sorrow, deceit, affection, suffering, pain, joy, tribute, all the wonderful things that go hand in hand with families.
Some wonderful pieces here, and such a variety buckets, from essays, to poetry. Good mixture!
Graceful and elgant writing, I feel you write with such adoration and pride that flows out through your poetry.
I have read so many poems talking of death and the sting and pain that follows. Here I find grace and peace. A calm serene that takes away all the pain in the realisation that you mother is departed to a place of serenity as last. Sad but oh so very beautiful.
I love the diversity of styles here, but most of all I love the descriptivenes of each item, the emotion that flows through them, I love the way everything is visualised sometimes subtly other times so vibrant and colourful that it almost pierces the heart. Some beautiful works here.
Reviewathon reviewer.
Wow. This poem is full of passion that grips from the start.
This is the power of love! I felt the energy of the poem, felt the onrush of emotion, the bell ringing sound that thunders out as you write. This left me breathless, the fast pace forcing me onwards. I felt as if you made love to the page before you.
Another happy jig along poem, I can almost see the glazed over coca-cola eyes.
I love the almost sing-along rhyme scheme, I really got into the beat of it as I read it aloud, but then stuttered and struggled with the last but one verse where the rhyme schemes completely shuts down. Was this done purposely?
I love the happy contented tone here.
Reviewathon reviewer
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