Plot and content: I liked the parallel between her physical swimming strength and the inner strength it has given her to overcome her fear. You incorporated her history and important aspects of her character in your story. However, I felt like the plot had already happened and the reader is joining the story after it's over since you start with She had finally swum in the ocean and then fill in her history. I do like the sense of courage and confidence she has going forward.
Technical errors: Break this into two sentences after "pool." She was a strong swimmer from her time in the pool, now twenty years later, she found inner strength too.
Overall: This is a nice 55-word story that shows how taking control of your fears can make you stronger.
Please reserve all corrections until judging is complete. Thanks for entering! Join us again.
Plot and content: This story has a strong plot. The shift from an ordinary day to a life-changing one was effective. I also liked the glimpse of the future that the last line gives. Some of the phrasing was a bit choppy, which I know can happen when you're counting each word!
Technical errors: No errors.
Overall: This was a very good example of a 55-word story, concise but with some good descriptive details of the crash.
Please reserve all corrections until judging is complete. Thanks for entering! Join us again.
Plot and content: The plot is clear; you actually told a story, and managed to have a little fun with the title's double meaning. Your characters and setting are believable--the nervous girl and the boy surprised by her revelation of pregnancy. I liked your descriptive verb choices such as clenched, quivered, and shouted. His final line gave me pause, though, and didn't clearly tell me that he was going to step up to his responsibility, just that he was going to talk to her.
Technical errors: No errors.
Overall: This is a good example of a 55-word story.
Please reserve all corrections until judging is complete. Thanks for entering! Join us again.
This was a beautiful story that captures the true spirit of giving for the joy of giving. I liked the characters and how they related to each other. I enjoyed Nona's tale of her childhood Christmases, and how that inspired Jason to think of others, though his childhood was presumably more privileged. She told her story without bitterness, and it was easy to follow the tale-within-a-tale
I did note a couple of shifts to present tense in the 2nd paragraph that are out of place.
Very interesting explanation of the various techniques, with great examples. I hadn't thought about them in this way before, and I appreciate your sharing your knowledge. You've shown how the same plot could be stylized for different effects and even different genres.
And I agree--I don't like the author's voice method either!
Very entertaining! She sounds like quite a character, and the family dynamics seem ripe fodder for writing more stories.
I only wish this had been a little longer--a little more description of what happened, what she looks like (though the image of her in McDonald's "eating hamburgers and petting little kids on the head with greasy fingers while their parents smiled uncomfortably" is hysterical), and so on.
This was a nice, touching story that illustrated how we find all kinds of excuses to withdraw from the world, and how hard making a real connection can be.
Rob was a very sympathetic character in spite of his lies, and I was glad he found a friend in the end.
It did take me a second to realize he was flashing back to the first funeral (after he comes home from Sally's and falls asleep). The transition there wasn't as clear to me.
This is a very entertaining look at both marriage and "home." I really enjoyed your narrative style, the philosophical debate with yourself over the ethics of the hunt, and the wavering over whether the mouse was really an adversary or not. The part imagining yourself hiding your family in someone's basement was delightful.
My absolute favorite part, however, was the glimpse of your groundhog-killing wife's colder side. Hilarious! (And a woman after my own heart...)
You told a lighthearted, but not silly tale. I really enjoyed it! Thanks for sharing!
This is a nice start to what looks to be an interesting story.
I found the spelling of 'hunnie' and 'hun' rather than 'honey/hon' odd. It's not a big deal, but it distracted me from the flow of the piece.
This juxtaposition didn't fit: Gina tried so hard not to trip, and to her dismay kept her poise. I would have expected her to be dismayed if she HAD tripped, and relieved if she had kept her poise.
Keep writing! I look forward to reading the rest of the chapters. Thanks for sharing.
I enjoyed the oddball characters and the voice of the main character as she tells about living with them. You formed a nice picture of this family.
A few word choices seemed out of place--such as maim, sagely, cacophony. To me, they just didn't seem to fit the narrator.
The transition between these two sentences was not explained well enough for me to justify 'therefore': You always have to yell to get him to hear anything you have to say. Therefore, I decided to ask my grandpa about Dad’s childhood.
I wonder where her dad will try to move next! Thanks for sharing.
I really did like this! It's moody and creepy. I could almost feel the cold of the snow and sympathy toward the vampire in his disdain for the humans that mar everything he admires.
The ending was just enough of a twist to be satisfying without being cliched.
Your writing was succinct but descriptive, with a nice style and no errors.
You painted a picture of a girl acting out of desperation, entering a new kind of sales job to pay the rent. The scene was set well, but I found the ending a little abrupt. Does she do it anyway?
I think the rating should be changed to "18+" in keeping with the guidelines found in "Content Rating System (CRS)" due to implied prostitution and use of the f-word.
You were able to tell a lot in a few words. Thanks for sharing your work!
This is a very well-told medical drama involving an ill child and the adoptive parents who love her. You balanced the medical details with the human emotion well.
In a few sentences, I thought some of your wording was redundant, for example in these:
"The house, if one can give it a personality, was preternaturally silent."
"I approached the main door and let myself in, using the set of keys I had with me."
I also wished that you had delved into *why* her parents didn't want to tell her the truth about her illness--was it a cultural norm to keep such things from children? Did they want to spare her grief after she'd already endured losing her parents? Were they in denial? I think that missing piece would have added a rich dimension to the tale.
I was very moved by your poem. Not only is the subject very gripping, but you also conveyed your emotions so clearly. Each question leads to another as you try to find an answer to the one a survivor always asks: Why?
Your phrases were clear and succinct, and each word was filled with meaning. The death of a child is a subject that predisposes one to ranting simply because it is such an overwhelming insult to the soul. You managed to distill the experience into a poem that conveys the grief experience in a way readers can absorb, rather than blasting them with every thought you had like giving a drink from a firehose.
I particularly liked the ending, and your insight that the ordeal has cost you not only a child but also your faith, and how that exacerbates your loneliness.
You put a lot of thought into this. It drew a strong picture of your father and how he did the best he could for those he loved, even though he kept so many secrets. Your narrative was easy to follow, and you related some difficult issues with insight instead of bitterness.
Throughout the piece, you used certain constructions that weakened the emotional impact of what you were saying:
--hesitant wording (I think I was most stunned, I think I almost choked, I think now that Dad’s gone)
--passive sentence constructions (I had been delivered the news, he’d been divorced)
--"empty" subjects (There was more, It killed my father to see V)
The structure of your story is great, and its content is very moving; I think it would have a greater impact if sentences such as these were stronger, more focused, and didn't dilute the emotion. ["I almost choked on my pancake...I definitely choked when I heard that." "Seeing Viola like that tortured my father."]
Also, 'insure' should be replaced with 'ensure.'
Please let me know if these comments have been helpful to you. Thank you for sharing your work!
Your story is full of emotion and it's clear how much Ben means to you. I enjoyed reading about how you met, and the anecdotes of the adventures you've had together. However, a number of places in the narrative lost focus--paragraph 2, for example--which distracted me from your theme.
I think if you you revisited those areas where you weren't as direct, and polished them a little, your story would have a stronger effect on your readers.
This is a lovely story that really illustrates how much we can take a loved one for granted--and how we are still loved in spite of it.
I thought you did a nice job of showing Fawad's remorse, and making his change-of-heart believable. You have again used an excellent vocabulary while still keeping the story simple and direct.
You might change the phrasing of His complete lack of activity and his parents’ displeasure had made Fawad very low spirited to 'His complete lack of activity and his parents' displeasure had lowered Fawad's spirits.' I think taking out the passive construction increases the emotional salience.
The 'LIFE WAS PURE HELL!' comment also seemed out of place to me. You had already described quite adeptly his misery; saying it as well seemed redundant.
Also, be sure to capitalize 'Grandpa' when it is used as his name, for example when Fawad speaks to him in the 3rd paragraph.
Keep writing, and thanks for sharing your work!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cleverquill/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 8:04am on May 14, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
