I saw you had added this item to your portfolio, and enjoyed it very much.
Plot:
Mean kids teasing classmates is a situation familiar to everyone. I thought you presented it in a believable series of events, and even though I suspected what the outcome might be, the final scene had me holding my breath.
I did think her mother's fainting at the end was a little too much, since we don't know when/how she regains consciousness. I also think her mother's collapse would be just as frightening for a young girl, and distracts her (and the reader) from the drama in the water. Could her mother just be screaming, crying, panicked?
Characters: Laila and Maria were haughty and relentless. You contrasted that well with the other students, who had maturity enough to know that the teasing was wrong and often unwarranted, but who were still insulted by it. Laila was changed in a clear way by the events of the story.
Other aspects:
Voice--Your sentence structure was simple enough to be accessible to younger readers, but sophisticated enough to be interesting and not "talking down" to them. That balance is hard to achieve!
Word Choice--I had a few suggestions for phrases that seemed less polished to me.
To her dismay, she saw Mbabwe-->clarify referent so we know it's Laila (not her mother) who sees & is dismayed: To her dismay, Laila saw Mbabwe
Some jumped in the water but where was the little boy?-->relate the clauses more closely, and avoid using 'but' again: Some jumped in the water, searching frantically for the little boy.
I wondered if you might extend your final statement, She had learned that physical beauty is only skin deep. It is the inner self and the true color of courage that matters. Revising the first sentence to She had learned that physical appearance, beautiful or not, is only skin deep. That would take the connotations of the moral beyond Laila's realization that her own beauty was irrelevant to her character, and include her realization that others' lack of beauty (in her opinion) did not reflect inner character, either. It's a fine point of distinction, and implies a slightly different meaning, so please let me know if I'm not clear.
Imagery--Great imagery. I could picture the students and their encounters at school as well as the beach. You used a nice variety of vocabulary in an appropriate range to convey rich images and feelings.
Technical errors: I noted a few very small errors, and I know in the past you've asked me to point them out to you.
wary of their sharp tongue--> use tongues, plural, since they each have one, they don't share one sharp tongue
All, except, Laila-->take out second comma
As she approached the excited people, her feet slowed. What will she see?-->change verb tense to conditional because the character is in the past, wondering about the future from that past point: What would she see?
She saw her father tightly hugging__a wet, squealing, splattering, thoroughly disheveled, but still chattering incessantly__her brother.The descriptive phrase fits awkwardly as worded. Maybe She saw her father tightly hugging her brother--who was wet, squealing, splattering, thoroughly disheveled, but still chattering incessantly.
her over whelming shame-->overwhelming is one word
Overall impressions: This nice, well-written story teaches a moral lesson without being preachy.
Thanks for sharing your work!
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