*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dmt1967/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
1,385 Public Reviews Given
1,387 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
51
51
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


SUGGESTIONS

(A few years back, the year 1999, around springtime,) I dreamed that I was at the house of a wonderful family friend for a visit. Fe, and her family lives in Cebu City, Philippines. (In the spring of 1999, my friend and sponsor, Fe departed this mortal earth.) This is short but, it not only portrays the same information, it also tells the reader who she is and how important she is to you.

(She was strong-willed, and she was fighting for her dear life.) Again, this needs tightening up. (Being a strong-willed woman, she fought hard to stay alive.)

First of all I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your friend. This is an emotional
piece, but it reads like an essay. Putting your feelings down will not only make this life experience less painful but make you heal as well. Believe me, I know. Don't just write about the loss, write about what she was like as a person. I know it was a dream but you can still add her personality and the things you have done in it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I hope this helps and, again, I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing and have a good New Year.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
52
52
Review of Dandelion  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

This is a great plot. I like the dandelion theme as it reminded me of the saying I heard. A weed is just a flower in the wrong place. I thought it was very well written and well thought out. I liked the start hook and thought, phasing it as a question, added to the intrigue and pulled the reader in. I wanted to find out what it was all about. The end hook left nothing unanswered and it was a delightful story to read.

SUGGESTIONS

I have none. It is written to perfection. Usually, I find it hard to get involved with stories as short as this but, with yours, I did not encounter this problem. The plot kept my attention from the first word to the last.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Again, with short stories, I find it hard to engage with the characters but not with yours. I found parents who love their child, a father who wants his child to be happy and a happy, contented little girl. I feel in love with all three characters at once.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a wonderful story and I am so grateful you shared it with us. Thank you for sharing and have a great day.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

This is a good poem and I like the way the poet has used punctuation to direct the reader as to where they want them to stop and pause. This makes the poem, for me, a delight to read.

TONE

The tone is one of praise as well as one of warning. Praise for the earth and all its glory while warning man, if he doesn't stop and think now, there will not be an earth to praise in the future.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any. This poem says everything needed to say and it is a good message.

STYLE

The style suits the theme and structure very well. I think the AABB style poem is a good style to use when talking about this subject as it emphasizes on the last word of each sentence and brings the message home.

TITLE

The title suits the poem and explains what the poem is about.

IMAGE

I think I see someone who respects the planet we reside on.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a great poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The plot was well thought out and I enjoyed it.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Too repetitive. Try to refrain from using the same word so close together as this tends to give the story a jerky feel.

' It wasn’t just our military that did it- all militaries, and even the civilians, viewed humans as (food), and most places, including the civilians of our country, still view humans (as food).' (substance) (that way)

2) This is too telling and too jumbled. The problem, in my opinion, when an inanimate item tells the story is the writer has to make it not only believable but tight as well. This is a very hard thing to do and, for the most part you have got it but sometimes the story rambles and you use more words than is necessary, in my opinion.

(As I said, the unit that my owner was stationed with was lead, in part, by this human- a Private William Jenkins. He was just your typical human, twenty-two years of age, 5 foot 5 inches, 180 pounds, dark hair, dark eyes, 25-30,000 calories worth of meat; not much to look at, except for a quick meal if need be. He was brave, I gave him that much, for a human. Allegedly, he led the unit in a counterattack after an assault had severely weakened the line- though I thought that was something of a lie, as there was no way a human could lead an attack, I’d thought. What could I say; I now realize that Redclaws’s thinking at the time was flawed.) Maybe, (Private William Jenkins, a twenty-two year-old, 5'5", 180 pound, dark hair, dark eyed human, lead my masters platoon.) That is all you need, in my opinion, as the rest of it is not needed and does nothing for the story. We can see his bravery by his actions. We do not need to be told.

Lieutenant Bloodtooth will have her work cut out (for) that one. (with)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

I could see the privates characteristics but no one else's.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This was a good story and very imaginative. Thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

I liked this plot and thought it was very funny. It was well written and very entertaining.

SUGGESTIONS

'Detective Casey pulled out his mother's suitcase and stepped on top of it; he was on the case. Daddy's shoes had been glaumed and he couldn't pick up their order of pizza until they were back on his dogs.' I know this is a child's tale, pardon the pun, but this first bit don't make sense. If it were his dads shoes why did they have to go back on the dogs? Also, if he were a baby, why did he pick up the pizza? Maybe, ('Detective Casey pulled out his mother's suitcase and stepped on top of it. Daddy's shoes were missing and they couldn't go and pick up the pizza until he caught the thief.) The next line should follow on from this one. (Casey hopped off the suitcase) and headed toward the Big House to put the screws on Lil' Stinky. (He hopped off)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I love the characters and thought the dialogue was both funny and entertaining.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review of Last Flight  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

I like the direction the poet has given the reader. The commas, semi-colons, and full stops tell the reader when to pause and fade. It is like a script and, although the lines are not the same size, feels very uniformed to me, which I like. It paints a picture and, not only can I feel the words, but see an image as well. I enjoyed reading it and got the feel of witches round a campfire chanting.

TONE

The tone felt spooky to me, which I loved. I thought of Halloween and felt a tingle go down my spine. I did feel a thrill while I read this poem and I love dragons as well. I thought the tone suited the words and the poem.

SUGGESTIONS

I think this poem is perfect just the way it is. I think to change anything would change the tone and that would be disastrous.

STYLE

I like the rhyming style of this poem and think it suits this poem very well. It is not an emotional poem, as in about a particular emotion, but it does stir emotion in me.

TITLE

I can see why you called it this but I am not sure. To be fair, I find titles a nuisance lol. I can never get them right and, when I do think of a great one, it is usually already taken.

IMAGE

As I said, witches around a caldron on a fire. It reminds me of the three witches from Macbeth, or I think it was Macbeth, but I could be wrong.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
57
57
Review of The Young Jester  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

I think the structure really suit this poem. The uniformed lines really make the poem pop and the lack of punctuation gives the reader the freedom to read the poem as they see fit. This theme fitted the structure and it is the best fit I have read in a long time.

TONE

This poem was filled with hope. Every line was uplifting and it made me smile and made my heart soar. The tone was happy and joyous and, with every line, I could feel the glow in my heart growing. I hung on every word and my heart almost burst with joy at the end. I got very emotional reading this poem. In my opinion, a good poet can only inspire that kind of reaction from the reader.

SUGGESTIONS

I think to change anything would be criminal. This poem is perfect just the way it is.

STYLE

I think the rhyming style used is just right for this poem. A few times it switched and this threw me but it still worked, so all good.

TITLE

The title suits the poem. It tells the reader what theme the story will take. It implies it is a story in a poem and the poem tells of a jester who was ill when they were young and wanted to make other ill children feel better. I think this is a great story.

IMAGE

I can see a sick child who, through sheer grit, defied the doctors and lived. He became a jester and travelled around making other children laugh in their darkest hour. His mother came to see him and had joy in her heart that he survived and was giving back.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I really enjoyed this story. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


STRUCTURE

I love the way this song is based on the Christmas song. I thought it was very clever and it reminded me of that queen story where the queens secretary had to write a letter to the Raja of India asking him to stop sending her elephants lol. The song was funny and I loved the structure and foundation of it and thought it really suited the theme.

TONE

The tone was very funny and jovial and suited the theme and structure very well. It did make me chuckle and I liked it better than the original as I found that tedious and boring. Your transition, I thought was great.

SUGGESTIONS

This poem is perfect just the way it is. I did think on the twelve day the character would have a headache lol. All that noise lol. Maybe add, 'on the thirteenth day of Christmas my redneck boyfriend gave to me a headache,' lol. Just a suggestion.

STYLE

I don't think you could mess with the style otherwise it wouldn't sound the same. I liked the style and you kept the beat, which is hard to do with a well known chant like this.

TITLE

Again, you couldn't mess around with this too much.

IMAGE

I can see a very understanding girlfriend lol. Maybe, a very fed up girlfriend lol. Whatever, she must have money and live in a big house to accommodate all the presents lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great song and well written. Thank you for sharing and take care. I hope you are well and your brother is doing well.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


STRUCTURE

I like the way it is written. The two short lines and e third line being longer, gives it a humorous tone. I also like the directional placing of the punctuation. It shows the reader how the poem should be read as in what is a question and when the poet wants the reader to pause and end. The structure suits the theme of the poem.

TONE

The tone is very humorous and the poem had a fun element to it. When reading it one has to smile and, at the moment, there is not too much fun in the world so I appreciate anything that brings a smile to my lips. Thank you for that.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any. This poem is perfect just the way it is.

STYLE

The style suited the poem very well as well. The rhyming style added to the fun factor. Any other style would have effected the tone and made it more serious, in my opinion.

TITLE

Now, here, I'm baffled. It is the freestyle that had my brain go into hyper mode. I had to read it three times before I realised you weren't talking about its style as freestyle can't rhyme, so I have been told. As I am not a poet by nature, I can only go on information received lol. I would have thought 'thankful' would have been a better title. Just an opinion.

IMAGE

I can see a happy-go-lucky character who is happy with her life even though some aspects might not be to their tastes. A good place to be and not a lot of people are.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Take care.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review of Winter Witches  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The plot was good but the end left me wanting more. This is good in a novel or book but, in my opinion, not so disiable in a short story. I felt very dissatisfied and wished it was longer.

SUGGESTIONS

The advisor did as instructed), but a farmer lad had other plans. Upon hearing the news, he knew all was not lost. Slipping into the castle’s kitchens, he made his way past guards and up to the King’s grand chamber.) Words like 'was' and 'had', in my opinion, turn a showing sentence into a telling sentence. A story as short as this, in my view, needs the reader to connect straight away. (. A farmers lad knew the war could be won. He slipped into the castle and the kings' chambers.)

The following week, as harsh gales blew, all knew the winter witches (had awoken.) Farmer folk clad in knightly garb encircled the castle. (When they arrived, the lad was the first to drop.) The King let loose a single tear. Many would follow, but they’d win at last. (steered from their slumber.) (They arrived and killed the lad.)

These are only suggestions and my point of view. Take what you want from the advice and disregard the rest.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENTS

This story was too short for this to happen.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I liked the story but wished it was longer. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review of Wandita  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

This is a good plot. The end hook worked very well as I wanted to find out what happened but the start hook needs work, in my opinion, as it didn't really entice me to read further. It was also very repetitive in places. There were also a lot of little mistakes.

SUGGESTIONS

When can get the Baindoraians to tell us all we need (to know) about their world before we take it over.”

This is too repetitive with the overuse of the word 'it.' The paragraph, in my opinion, is sluggish and jerky due to this.

'Whether it’s a spaceship or something else suddenly grows to twice its size... A few seconds later it shrinks down to original size and changes its appearance to look like Rudith.'

'The dot grew to twice its size and started to move towards Rudith. A gigatic mouth in the front opened and the starship crew saw a sun surrounded by several planets. It engulfs Rudith and transforms itself to resemble the planet.'

His smile gets even bigger as he sees how (nerves) and scared they are getting. (nervous)

“That screaming was coming from (you) fellow Baindoraian. (your)

“I want to know all there is to know about the weapons Baindora has, especially your space weapons. Also want to know about what kind of fighters (that) you have. (delete)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I know this is the first chapter but, in my opinion, the characters didn't jump out at me. You told us the character GorVon was evil but you never showed us.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good story but it does need work, in my opinion, to be a great story. It has a lot of potential. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

This story was different. It is not the kind of story I normally read as I like a bit more of a storyline.

WHAT WORKED

The last three chapters were really good. It was full of action and I really felt myself drawn into the story. The main character was fun and I liked that also.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

The story told rather than showed and, I thought, it needed more of a story. There is so much more you could add. I thought it didn't live up to its potential.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

A start hook, in my opinion, should draw a reader in and make them want to read the rest. Yours was okay but it didn't really grab me.

PLOT

I liked the initial plot but thought you could have done more with it.

SUGGESTIONS

1) Try to refrain from using 'was' as this is a passive word and makes the sentence jerky, in my opinion.

"CAROLE!!!!!” Bellowed Melanie as she came storming into the small accounting office (that Carole was working in.) (Carol worked in.)

(This body language was a sign of her opinion of the way Melanie ran the business.) (To Carole it was one thing to run a by the book, tight ship organisation but it was quite another to run it with an almost Draconian rule, after all Melanie had fired employees in the past just for one misplaced handling of the equipment that was delivered or even more bizarrely for not washing their hands.) (delete) You showed what Carol thought, you don't have to tell the reader as well. (it is one thing to make rules but to run it like a concentration camp and fire people for mundane acts...) Using this inner thought process, in my opinion, makes the reader feel your character more and also makes a telling paragraph into a showing one.

As the thought passed through her mind she noticed (that) it wasn’t a star at all, it was actually a meteorite and not only that she also saw (that) it was heading into the area close to her car. (delete) Words like 'that' are not usually needed. It doesn't change the meaning of the sentence by opting them out.

CHAPTER 2

While she was showering Carole wondered if it was really her lucky day or if the wish she (had made had anyway) influenced her discovery of this strange lump of goo. And then something twigged in Carole’s mind. (made) Words like 'had' are also telling words and not needed. They don't change the meaning by not putting them in.

CHAPTER 5

(Carole looked around and felt like she died and gone to cake heaven.) This would also be better, in my opinion if it was a thought. This, in my opinion, is very telling otherwise. (Carole shivered and her whole body wobbled as she gazed around the cake shop. I've died and gone to cake heaven. )

FINAL THOUGHTS

This has a lot of potential. It just needs a bit of work, in my opinion. Also, if you added a bit more to the storyline, you have a sequel in the making as you have left it open. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review of Wee (Wee) Stairs  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

The structure suited the theme of the poem. The poet used the directional aids very well. It started with a sentence about a statement. The question followed. I liked the interactive nature of this poem. It was like you were talking directly to the reader and asking them the question. Then you went on to tell the reader how hard it was. I really liked this structure.

TONE

The tone was very humorous and funny. It was also very cute and relatable. Anyone who has owned a dog from a puppy or has taken a recue dog in who is not potty trained can relate to your words and laugh with you.

SUGGESTIONS

If I was being critical I would say the last word seemed a bit forced but otherwise I wouldn't change anything.

STYLE

This rhyming style really suits the poem and I thought it added to the humor.

TITLE

I thought the style really suited the title and the title really suited the theme.

IMAGE

I can see a dog looking innocent and saying it wasn't me with their eyes lol. I can see a big puddle near the dog and the dogs expression saying, how did that get there? See, experience.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Thank you for sharing and stay safe.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review of BACK TO SCHOOL  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

I like the storyline and the end hook.

SUGGESTIONS

For a start hook, in my opinion, this is too long. Most of the information is not needed as it does not help set the scene, and most of it does not improve the stories flow. A start hook, in my opinion, should be direct. It is your first encounter with the reader and you must get it right. It reminds me of fishing. The fish are more likely to stay on the line for a juicy worm than a old bit of bread.

'It was a crisp Autumn morning for the children of Meadowlark Middle School to begin the new school year... Except for a small group of about 10 children who are huddled around one young man, Ritchie, Ritchie had something some of the kids had never seen before and only heard about.'

'The brown and golden leaves lay lifeless on the ground as the children of Meadow Middle School began their new year. The playground buzzed like chickens in a coop during feeding time. The girls flounced around in their poodle skirts and matching ear muffs while the boys kicked a rubber football, sneaked behind the bike shed for a quick ciggi they pinched off their a old man under the watchful eye of the girls.
A small group of children huddled around a tall, lanky lad. They stared at the object in his hands.

"So, what do you think?" Richie muttered as he held the thing in his grip.'

A few places you are missing spacing and the sentences do not make sense.

"Oh it's so pretty,()"Becky (followed in). (space) (cooed)

"Very well"Mr Robinson concluded spun on his heels and (went pacing off) towards the school.(marched)

I would also put a single or double space between paragraphs otherwise the words tend to run together and makes it difficult to read.

Try to refrain from using words like 'was' 'had' and 'that' as this gives the story a tendency towards telling rather than showing.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I didn't get anything. A short story, in my opinion, is really hard. Characters develop over time, which a writer doesn't really have in a short story. There are tools to combat this, though. Showing the personality of a character by dialogue or inner thought is a good one. If you know what a character thinks, the reader can get to know their traits' pretty quickly.

FINAL THOUGHT

This is a good first draft. All it needs is a little work. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

The plot was good on the whole. It just needs a bit of work on the hooks. A start hook is meant to draw us in and make us invest in reading the story. A end hook in a novel makes us want to read the next chapter and usually ends on a cliffhanger. In a story, it is supposed to answer the questions and leave the reader contented. I always think it should leave the reader wanting more as this keeps the door open to use the characters again lol.

SUGGESTIONS

1) The first thing is it was hard to read due to the closeness of the lines. They ran into each other and, in the end, all the words just blurred. I would suggest a space between lines and a double space between paragraphs.

2) It was very repetitive. Try to refrain from overusing words.

3) Information should be given very sparingly. The beginning sounded more like an essay than a story. Readers, in my opinion, tend to get bored when reading fiction if there are too many technical insights, especially in the start hook. They like to get into a story right away, in my experience. Don't mistake setting with information.

4) It was very telling. Try to refrain from using words like 'had' 'was' 'then' as these are very telling words. Also, don't tell us how the characters feel; show us.

5) corrections

It took() maximum () two to three days to reach the place. (a) (of)

Once they reached the place, they would first take () bath in the sacred river Shanmuga. (a)

Vanessa could not (tell) no, and she was forced to accept Bala’s help. (say)

With a brimming smile, he replied() her message with love. (to)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The female character didn't grow but the male character did. I saw him change, from a lazy, selfish man, into a caring, loving one. Well done on that score. The dialogue was also very good.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a good story. With a little work it could be a great story. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

I liked the storyline a lot and found it really well written. I liked the hooks but thought the start hook needed more pulling power.

SUGGESTIONS

Their relationship (had always been as smooth and easy as) undisturbed lake water on a lazy summer day. In my opinion, this is very telling. Someone told me words like 'had' 'was' and 'then' are very telling works and, if possible, should only be used in dialogue. (, usually smooth and easy like an)

And yet, here they were, (arguing for the third time this week. And it was getting heated.) Again, telling. (having another heated argument.) In my opinion, this is all the explanation it needs.

“Why not?” (He did not raise his voice, but there was an edge to his simple question that made her bristle.) Again, tell don't show. (, he muttered with an edge to his tone or a clipped tone.)

(When she) took her eyes off the road to cut a glance at him, (she saw that he was staring, eyes wide.) This is escalating quickly, (she thought). (She) (with eyes wide he stared at her.) If italics are around a sentence it is seen as thought, hence, you don't need to tell the reader it is a thought. (delete)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I liked the female character as she sounds like fun. It is hard to keep a secret from friends and I like the way she handled it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great story and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

The structure suited the poem. The fact that there was no or little punctuation and the lines were different lengths seemed to help the theme of the poem. I thought the structure really suited the poem.

TONE

The tone was very questioning. A statement was made and the poem consisted of unpacking the statement. I thought the tone gelled very well with the structure and the theme.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't really have any. The poem was very well written and, although I never felt any emotion, I don't really think it was that kind of poem. I think this was more a thinking and speculate poem rather than an emotional one. It made me ponder.

STYLE

This, to me, sounded like a Sonnet. It made the statement and then argued the case for and against. The style suited the poem very well and I liked reading it very much.

TITLE

The title also suited the poem. It told the reader the theme without giving the underline plot of the poem away. It left just enough out there to make the reader want to carry on reading.

IMAGE

I can see a house with flames erupting from the foundations but, again, this isn't really a poem with an image. It is how one interrupts and sees it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

I like the nearly uniformed lines and the lack of punctuation as it gives the poem a frantic feel. With your words, you have painted a scene and created something special. I do think each verse should begin with a capital letter but that is preference and takes nothing away from your writing or the foundation of this poem.

TONE

The tone is one of joy, then dread, and finally relief. The tone tells the story. It is a tool in which the poet uses to move the story along. I thought the theme and structure and tone gel rather well together.

SUGGESTIONS

I almost caught her thought I (had now) have a need for some healing salve (DELETE) This doesn't make sense.

STYLE

The style fits the poem very well as well and I enjoyed it. The style fitted around the theme very well.

TITLE

The title gave the reader enough information but not too much. The reader knew what the poem was about but not too much that they didn't want to read the poem.

IMAGE

I see a cat Christmas present. The recipient is overjoyed until they cannot find them. They frantically search for the missing cat and relief washes over them when they eventually find their pet.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
69
69
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I think some parts were very well written. I also thought the storyline was good and the characters were realistic.

WHAT WORKED

Your fight scenes worked really well and I was captivated by them.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

You told more than you showed and in some scenes words were overused.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

I think your opening hook worked. It did want me to continue reading. I just thought it could have been tighter.

PLOT

I loved the plot and thought, as first chapters go, it was a good one.

SUGGESTIONS

"They don't seem like regular wolves, neither," (his neighbor had said.) "They're more aggressive these days. Some say they've gotten bigger. Just be careful." (He remembered his neighbor's comment,) Put this action tag before the dialogue. This way, in my opinion, you are showing rather than telling the reader what your main character remembered.

He surveyed the wide trees on either side of the narrow road(, first one side, then the other.) Not today, he pleaded. He hadn't slept well the past couple of weeks, due in part to recurring nightmares. (.) In my opinion, there is no need to elaborate this point. If you want to emphasis this point maybe say, (He glanced left and right as he surveyed the trees.)

(The snow crunched next to his wagon and he started, dropping the bow and yanking free the (knife) that hung from his belt.

Raising his long curved (knife,) he looked to the voice in time to see a man leap onto the seat and throw a fist. (Branston) shouted as his nose cracked, and a hand grabbed the collar of his shirt from behind. He was dragged twisting and clawing out of the wagon seat, his bow snapping under his weight and his knife lost in his thrashing.

(Branston's) heart sank. He thought the man was saving him!)

In my opinion, this whole section can be written as one paragraph. The way it is written here, in my opinion, is very repetitive. (Knife and 'Branston') are overused. Maybe, (The snow crunched under the weight of his body as he dropped the bow and yanked free his long, curved knife from his belt sheath. Someone spoke to the left of him. He raised his weapon and turned and heard his nose crack as it made contact with a huge fist. A man appeared out of nowhere and dragged him out of the wagon seat. Branston twisted and clawed at the man's face but knew, in his weakened state, he couldn't fight this brute.)

"What was that?" Faldashir's eyes darted around, searching for the rider, his mouth (was open and he stared out that) the spot where the man had been only a moment before. (open as he starred at...)

"Well?" Faldashir roared(, and then he looked at the horse, who was on its side screeching and trying to stand. He shot the creature in the exposed chest, and the squealing stopped.) He rounded on Branston. "Where did he go?" (. He lowered his eyes and gazed at the the injured animal on the ice, shook his head, and shot him in the chest. )

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great start. Just needs a little work, in my opinion. Thank you for sharing and take care.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
70
70
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

The structure suited the poem. I like the little to no punctuation as it gave the poem a runaway kind of feel when reading it. It also made it feasible for the reader to put there own spin on the poem as well. I like the way the lines and verses were different sizes and the way the whole poem looked was pleasing to the eye as well.

TONE

The tone was very abrupt and dramatic except for the first line which, in my opinion, seemed a bit off. I thought the tone suited the poem very well and liked the way it flowed and the dips and dives of the poem. This was very well done.

SUGGESTIONS

The orchards (had) yielded their treasure (DELETE)

STYLE

The Blank verse style suited the poem as well. I think any other style would have taken away the dramatic effect this poem has and which it suits so well.

TITLE

The title suits the poem very well. It gives the reader insight into the theme of the poem without telling them too much so they don't need to read the poem.

IMAGE

I can see trees with brown leaves swaying in the wind and falling to the ground.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review of Child to teen  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

STRUCTURE

The structure is sound. I really enjoyed the way it was written. The way it flows suited the poem as well and the fact that there was only a question mark at the end gave the poem a runaway feel like thoughts have. It felt like it was written raw from the poets thoughts. It also gave us an insight into the topic of the poem and the poets feelings which I thought was great.

TONE

T he tone was humorous and exasperating all at the same time. This is rare and I loved it. Usually poems like this only have one tone which is nice but a true poet can make the reader feel happy and sad, in my opinion. They should be able to mold the emotional status of the reader with a few words, which you have done very professionally here.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have any. To change anything would be bad, in my opinion.

STYLE

The style suited the poem very well, in my opinion. The rhyming made it emotional. It added to the humor aspect of it.

TITLE

Again, the title suited the poem. It told the reader what to expect without giving too much away. Very good title.

IMAGE

I see a baby in a brown suit with a briefcase lol. I hope he is better. My child was like that but now he is a nice young lad lol.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great poem and thank you for sharing. Stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
72
72
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

I think the plot is very thought out and it was a story I could get my teeth into. In my opinion, the start hook let it down. I nearly moved on to another of your pieces because of it which would have been a great shame as, once I got into it, I really enjoyed the story. Another thing is, I wouldn't have put the chapters together. It was very long and, I have found, the reviewers on here like them short and sweet.

SUGGESTIONS

1) The start hook was very telling. It pulled me in, however. Maybe, cut it down or 'Rocart, Wingsongs Clan leader landed near the winding river and folded his wings. He landed on a large outcrop of rocks which overlooked a large valley where his people, the Fyrsouls lived. He groaned as his old legs creaked. He needed to decide who his successor would be before he died. He took a step and moaned at the pain he felt in his thousand-year-old bones. His eldest daughter, Wind Essence, seemed the more likely candidate but his son, Jagged Peak, showed promise as well. His strength would be an assert to the people, if he only listened to the advice of his elders.' This, in my opinion, gives the reader the information they need to read and understand the story. You are introducing the main characters.


Try to refrain from using words like 'was' 'had' and 'then' as they are all telling words and, in my opinion, if the sentence is moved around a little, nine times out of ten they are not needed.

He entered his (cave) and lumbered to his favorite wide area of sand and lay down. Tumbling Rock would bring his food this evening. Wingsong could no longer hunt because his eyesight had been fading for many years.

He awakened late in the morning, smelled blood, and smiled. Breakfast was here. After breakfast, he flew across the valley to Wind's (cave) and found it empty. He ambled to a neighboring cave and said, Snowborn, have you seen Wind?

Let me know when she returns, and he flew back to his (cave).

Try not to use the word 'cave' in close proximity of each other. You have done this with a few words. Maybe, use dwelling or home... Being repetitive makes the story jerky, in my opinion.

Where do (your) get your fresh water? (you)

It (was if) the young Fyrsouls had vanished into thin air. (seemed)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I didn't see much of this and couldn't get a feel of the character telling the story. I can only tell you what I like. I like a character I can relate to. The voice I can hear and it was difficult distinguishing that voice from the rest.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I hope this was helpful and, if you want me to read other chapters, just ask. You might have to wait a little while though as I have three books I promised to read last year and haven't got around to doing them yet lol.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
73
73
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

I thought this was a very good storyline and loved both the end hook and the start hook.

SUGGESTIONS

Walter Anderson stepped inside, out of the wind and the cold. He brushed flakes of snow from the shoulders of his overcoat, pulled leather gloves from gnarled, arthritic hands. As he turned to close and lock (his) door, his eyes fell upon the miniature Christmas village he displayed for the season instead of a tree. He paused. (THE) If you use the first 'his', it makes the sentence sound repetitive, in my opinion.

(It had, that is, until about a week ago- until the business with Snowflake had started...) This sentence is very repetitive and rambles, in my opinion. (Until about a week ago, when the business with Snowflake started.)

People in their late seventies, Walter (had) learned, have to be careful about what they say. (DELETE) In my opinion, this adds nothing to the sentence and, by removing it, the meaning of the sentence doesn't change.

Walter (like that idea.) “I like that idea.” (nodded.) In my opinion, this is also repetitive.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Your main character grew before my eyes. I liked finding out about him. Through your words, the reader knew he was kind, did the right thing, and helpful.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Great short story and thank you for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
74
74
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

T his is a great story and I enjoyed reading it. I thought the end and beginning hooks were great as well.

SUGGESTIONS

In the distance, dark clouds (had) gathered. (DELETE) There is no reason for this word to be there. By taking it out the meaning is still the same. In my opinion, words like 'had' 'was' and 'then' give the story a very telling vibe.

She shivered, opened her backpack, (then) removed her sweater(; thankfully, she'd come prepared.) As daylight faded away, she gathered sticks from the ground (and) piled them up(. She) took some newspaper from the backpack and wedged it in amongst the sticks. (and) (.) (,) This paragraph is too repetitive. There are too many 'she' words. This, in my opinion, makes the story sound jerky. One way to get rid of this is use commas and make the actions into lists. This, in my opinion, makes the story more puncy as well.

(As soon as she) saw the moon, (she) lit the newspaper(. She) placed the container of mud in the midst of the sticks and waited.(She) (,)

The fire (was going strong, and the mud was starting to bubble. It was time.) Again, in my opinion words like 'was give the story a telling feel. Don't tell readers how strong the fire is, show them. (crackled, flames shot sky-high, and the mud bubbled with the heat.)

She (returned to her backpack. After she gathered it, she) walked back toward Danville. (She was curious as to what she might find as well as a bit fearful.) As she walked along, she listened to the birds. (picked up her backpack and) Show her emotions. (Her heart beat against her chest, her hands trembled: did it work?)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

The main character grew as the story carried on. We could feel her desperation within the story.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a well thought out story as it shows what bulling can do to a child. The desperation and sheer unhappiness it causes. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
75
75
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

PLOT

I like this story line and think it is a very heartwarming story. I liked how it built up and the whole story was very well written. You gave a voice to the people we see day in and day out but ignore. I liked the insight into the man. We think most people who busk are homeless but most are just out of work musicians who do work, not what everyone will see as work, but it is hard all the same.

SUGGESTIONS

Thin outer gloves over my (knit) ones provide some protection from the biting winter wind on the street above. (knitted)

After several hours my hat only contains five quarters more than (with what I started.) This is very muddled. (I started with)

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Usually, in short stories, I find it hard to find the voice but not this one. The main characters voice was really clear in this one. We also saw a few characteristics and a character growth as the story unfolded. He was god fearing, generous, and kind. I liked him a lot and could feel empathy for his plight.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This is a well written story. It needs a bit of touching up here and there but the heart of it has a sound beat. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
423 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 17 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dmt1967/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3