Hey L.E.,
Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item"  . Here is a review that I hope will help you in some way. 
Title:
I like it. I think it's creative. You picked it well.
Description:
This gives more light to what the story is about, thus, complementing the title. It's interesting enough for people to want to read it.
Grammar/Punctuation:
Here are the things I noticed. The lines in red are the exact copy of your work and the ones in blue are my suggestions as to how it may be improved.
The facility in which I now called home is kept at a teeth chattering, chill bump inducing cold.
The facility in which I now call home is kept at a teeth chattering, chill bump inducing cold.
I omitted the 'ed' in called because it is supposed to be in the present tense.
The cracked and chipped tile covering the concrete flooring offers very little protection from the pulsing chill which burns up through my sock covered feet.
This may confuse the readers. It would be clearer if you change it to something like
The cracked and chipped tiles covering the concrete floor offers very little protection from the pulsing chill that burns up through my sock covered feet.
The bed I sleep on is a twin and way to small for my near seven foot frame.
The bed I sleep on is a twin and way too small for my near seven foot frame.
The pillow barely offers any comfort even bent over double.
The pillow barely offers any comfort even when bent over double.
The walls are covered in thin padding which has faded to a yellowing off-white. The ceiling is chipped and in spots what appears to be Styrofoam, but for all I know it could be asbestos. The lone window is thick, chicken wire reinforced and covered by bars.
The walls are covered in a thin padding which has faded to a yellowing off-white. The ceiling is chipped in spots with what appears to be Styrofoam, but for all I know it could be asbestos. The lone window is thick, the chicken wire reinforced and covered by bars.
Not that I consider myself a danger, but just perchance I can see there point.
Not that I consider myself a danger, but just perchance I can see their point.
My most recent meal of warm milk, fruit cup, soggy peas, and Salisbury steak in half congealed gravy sits half eaten on my desk when I hear them coming down the hall.
My most recent meal of warm milk, fruit cup, soggy peas and Salisbury steak in its half congealed gravy sits half eaten on my desk when I heard them coming down the hall.
It is almost as if I can smell their nervousness and I cannot help but smile.
You can rearrange this sentence so that it would be easier to understand. Here is a way to do it:
I cannot help but smile as their footsteps became louder, their nervousness almost becoming an aroma that I can smell.
The tray door slides open not to retrieve my supper but to slip in shackles. Speaking in slow small words they tell me to put the shackles on my wrists and ankles. Leg shackles are used for my wrists and special modified shackles are for my ankles. The chains that run from wrist to wrist and down to ankles is very heavy. When I move they make sounds like a cartoon ghost.
The tray door slid open, but not to retrieve my supper but to slip in shackles. Speaking in slow, small words they tell me to put the shackles on my wrists and ankles. Leg shackles are used for my wrists and special modified shackles are for my ankles. The chains that run from wrist to wrist and down to the ankles are very heavy. When I move they make sounds like a cartoon ghost.
Shaking he checks the chains.
Shaking, he checks the chains.
It is these sounds which calm me not the muted hues some study says calms me.
It is these sounds that calm me, not the muted hues some study says.
A length of chain is produced from a closet and it is latched to a ring in the floor and to a ring on the chain connecting my wrists together. You have to commend them on their efforts to afford the coming doctors every once of safety. Yet another fallacy. Still I do applaud them like a drooling high forties IQ having idiot. It makes them nervous and I laugh as they quickly leave the room. On the outside I am laughing but the smile is skin deep.
A length of chain is produced from a closet and is latched on to the rings in the floor and on the chain connecting my wrists together. You have to commend them on their efforts to afford the coming doctors every ounce of safety. Yet another fallacy. Still I do applaud them like a drooling high forties IQ-having idiot. It makes them nervous and I laugh as they quickly leave the room. On the outside I am laughing, but the smile is skin deep.
The door opens again and the five person board of doctors enter their faces all showing the same bored expression and condescending smile. These little get together’s always go the same way
The door opens again and the five person board of doctors entered, their faces all showing the same bored expression and condescending smile. These little get-together’s always go the same way.
They sit in the same order as always. Not a single one of them opens my file they just produce little micro recorders.
They sat in the same order as always. Not a single one of them opened my file—they just produced little micro recorders.
Dr. Clark sits at one end tapping her fist into her hand trying valiantly to get her point across. She is talking in that grating sandpaper helium high voice of hers looking as ugly as I have ever seen her. The tan suit she is wearing looks like it was pulled from the defect rack Her peach shirt is ill fitting stretched tighter across her stomach than her chest. Her head seems to merge with her shoulders giving her an appearance like a brown skinned toad. Dark brown moles cover her cheeks and her lips appear stretched and elongated. Also she wears make-up that looks like it was applied by a drunk sailor transvestite.
Dr. Clark sits at one end of the table, tapping her fist into her hand as she tried valiantly to get her point across. She is talking in that grating sandpaper helium high voice of hers, looking as ugly as I have ever seen her. The tan suit she is wearing looks like it had been pulled from the defect rack. Her peach shirt is ill fitting—it stretched tighter across her stomach than her chest. Her head seems to merge with her shoulders, giving her an appearance like a brown skinned toad. Dark brown moles cover her cheeks and her lips appear stretched and elongated. She also wears make-up that looks like it was applied by a drunk sailor transvestite.
If you close your eyes and imagine the perfects momma’s boy his face would appear. Supposedly he is in charge of these meetings, but he rarely is. Too submissive it would seems.
If you close your eyes and imagine the perfect momma’s boy, his face would appear. Supposedly he is in charge of these meetings, but he rarely is. Too submissive, it seems.
The doctors freeze and look at me with shock painted on the faces of one and all.
The doctors froze and looked at me with shock painted on the faces of one and all.
“While you are discussing the merits, or lack there of, from our little get together today. Perhaps you should also banter about the ramifications of everything you know about me, or my case as it were, being a complete fallacy.” I clear my throat again softly, “But before you continue, could I trouble you for a glass of water. I have rarely found the occasion for speech lately and my throat is somewhat dry and scratchy.”
“While you are discussing the merits, or lack there of, from our little get together today, perhaps you should also banter about the ramifications of everything you know about me, or my case as it were, being a complete fallacy.” I clear my throat again softly. “But before you continue, could I trouble you for a glass of water? I have rarely found the occasion for speech lately and my throat is somewhat dry and scratchy.”
You see you seem to have us at a disadvantage here.
You see, you seem to have us at a disadvantage here.
They sit growing nervous before me as I take a deep breath and let it out slowly between clinched teeth
Is it really supposed to be 'clinched' teeth, or 'clenched' teeth?
Tears of fear rim her eyes and I cannot help but wonder if she is strong enough for this and if she is not, how far I can push her before she breaks.
Tears of fear rim her eyes and I cannot help but wonder if she is strong enough for this and if she is not, how far I can push her before she breaks.
The momma’s boy clears his throat trying to regain some form of control over the proceedings. “Now Eddye was that really necessary?”
The momma’s boy clears his throat, trying to regain some form of control over the proceedings. “Now, Eddye. Was that really necessary?”
Dr. Lee smiles to me.
Dr. Lee smiles at me.
he says softly and I get the feeling that he is saying as more of a benefit for his fellow doctors than for me.
He says softly, making me get the feeling that he said it more for the benefit of his fellow doctors than for me.
An orderly enters with my water and the tray is brought near my chair. He is quick to pour a glass of water and retreat. The first glass goes down freezing my throat.
An elderly enters with my water and the tray is brought near my chair. He is quick to pour a glass of water and retreat. The first glass goes down, freezing my throat.
They are so nervous—the five of them; the toad, the professor, the milksop, the intellectual, and the beauty queen.
They are so nervous the five of them; the toad, the professor, the milksop, the intellectual, and the beauty queen.
What is it I cannot discern, for he has done nothing different from the other doctors at the table save offer comfort to a frightened colleague?
What is it I cannot discern, for he has done nothing different from the other doctors at the table save offer comfort to a frightened colleague.
They look at each other more than a little confused. Dr. Effers sits back in his chair, pipe clinched tight between his perfect teeth. I do not like the look in his eyes. I try to think back to when he comforted Dr. Sisken did his eyes have the same look then. Did they hold the same comfort that his body offered?
They look at each other, more than a little confused. Dr. Effers sits back in his chair, pipe clinched (clenched?) tight between his perfect teeth. I do not like the look in his eyes so I tried to think back to when he comforted Dr. Sisken. Did his eyes have the same look then? Did they hold the same comfort that his body offered?
Pulling my hand back I rub my thumb and fingers together spreading the moisture from the sweating glass.
Pulling my hand back I rub my thumb and fingers together, spreading the moisture from the sweating glass.
Divide the sentences correctly, either with a comma or other punctuations.
Kids are poisoned by video games, MTV, internet pornography into a pasty-faced stupor of ignorance.
Kids are poisoned by video games, MTV and internet pornography into a pasty-faced stupor of ignorance.
They wouldn’t know a book if you beat them in the face with it until every bone shattered. They talk in a broken slang filled language that they barely understand.
They wouldn’t know a book if you beat them in the face with it until every bone is shattered. They talk in a broken slang-filled language that they barely understand.
The backs of their shorts offer advertisements like the side of the Good-Year blimp at the Super Bowl. Sweet Meat. Nice Ride, Pretty Girl, Baby Love,
The backs of their shorts offer advertisements like the side of the Good-Year blimp at the Super Bowl. Sweet Meat. Nice Ride, Pretty Girl, Baby Love.
“Tell me Dr. Effers would you be Jubal to my Valentine Micheal Smith. Or Maria, would you be Chastity to my Tender Branson?”
“Tell me Dr. Effers. Would you be Jubal to my Valentine Micheal Smith? Or Maria, would you be Chastity to my Tender Branson?”
So if religion could be used to rule the world who could it not be used to destroy it?
So if religion could be used to rule the world, why could it not be used to destroy it?
Dr. Clark asks her voice tinged with anger.
Dr. Clark asks, her voice tinged with anger.
“I killed her.” I say barely audible.
This statement would be more effective if you change it like this:
Silence filled the room for a moment. Then I spoke, my words barely audible.
"I killed her."
I look at them and unfocus my eyes and I get the reaction I want.
I look at them and unfocus my eyes, then I get the reaction I want.
Dr. Clark leans forward shaking her head violently.
Dr. Clark leans forward, shaking her head violently.
Content:
I like this story. It has real good potential. Continue builiding this—it may be grand.
Part I liked best:
The thoughts of the patient. It's quite amusing.
Suggestion/s:
 Divide your sentences properly to make it clearer and easier to understand. If you need some more help with this just e-mail me or post in the forum again.
Overall Impression:
I enjoyed reading this. It's interesting and can make the readers think.
Write on!
God bless,
_Equilibrium
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