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201
201
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

This piece gave me a really great impression. The first line hit me with such good imagery that I was prompted to continue reading.

I only found a few things that might require your attention. The lines in red are the exact copy of your work while the ones in blue are my suggestions as to how you may change it. It is totally up to you, though, if you will take any of them or not.

Though you are not sure where you are headed you do know this, you are very aware of where you come from.
Though you are not sure where you are headed, you do know this: you are very aware of where you come from.

It is gone before you have the chance to appreciate the abundant emotions it flings into you mind.
It is gone before you have the chance to appreciate the abundant emotions it flings into your mind.

It takes you but a moment to realize what it is but the word hits you hard and accurately, control.
It takes you but a moment to realize what it is, and then the word hits you hard and accurately: control.

The years pass in the blink of a minds eye.
The years pass in the blink of a mind's eye.

One thing I noticed is that there are several parts where the tense shifted. Maybe you should check that out.

Overall, I had a really good read. I enjoyed your work very much. *Smile*


God bless!
Equilibrium

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202
202
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello there,

Despite the short length of this piece, I liked it very much. Through simple words you managed to give me a great impression.

The colors and the construction of the poem didn't distract me; instead it added something 'extra' to the meaning and message of the piece. Good job.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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203
203
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

It's great that you created an item where you showcase the works of other members in this site; after all, all of us needs a little exposure sometimes! *Bigsmile*

I looked into the links and I found them all fun activities and good reading materials. Finding them all in one place is not only convenient for the writers showcased here but also for other members interested for a good read or a fun activity.

Some Suggestions:
The line

Notice I have broken some off to there own little corner place like: Forums, Groups, Reading, Journals/Blogs, Writing Tips, Advice, In & Out and so on now have a place of there own. I will be doing more as they grow!

may read better like this:

You may notice that I have broken some off to their own little corner place like: Forums, Groups, Reading, Journals/Blogs, Writing Tips, Advice, In & Out and so on, now have a place of there own. I will be doing more as they grow!

*Bullet*The long space after this item ended may also be edited for more convenient reading.

I like the images you added in this piece, especially the one at the bottom. *Smile*


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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204
204
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I liked the descriptions you used in this piece, as well as some of the words. I enjoyed the wordplay and the imagery you presented in the poem.

A few suggestions:
*Bullet*Instead of using a dash, substitute it with an M-dash (ALT0151).
*Bullet*I noticed that you used the dash several times. You may replace it with a semi-colon to prevent the feel of familiarity and repetitiveness for the readers.

Error:
Though I can't see this- the darkness of night envelops me,
I suggest for you to change this line to
Though I can't see this, the darkness of night envelopes me.

My Favorite Part:
And for the first time- perhaps ever-
I am deeply sad,
I am supremely happy,
I am strangely fearful of the future,
And I am greatly relieved of the weight of the past.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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205
205
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very nice piece to read. I like the way you used the words past, present, and future in such a creative manner that it made this item really interesting. The analogy was well explained through your words.

A suggestion:
The sentence
Hope that when you unwrap your "present", that
you get exactly what you are looking for!
may read better like this:
Hope that when you unwrap your "present", you get exactly what you are looking for!


God bless,
Equilibrium
206
206
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece made me look forward to Christmas, even though it wasn't mentioned in the item. I could imagine lights and presents under the tree already. *Bigsmile*

Some suggestions:
*Bullet*Use an M-dash (ALT0151) instead of just a dash.
*Bullet*Put a space before and after the words that sandwich (...)
*Bullet*For a more 'cheery' and holiday effect, you might want to color some of the words (green, blue, yello, etc.), so it will have a greater impression on the readers.
*Bullet*I don't know if you want this to be in poetry form, but I think that this will read better in prose.

Thank you for the nice read. *Smile*


God bless!
Equilibrium

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207
207
Review of Dear Mom  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

I was touched by this piece. The sincerity and love you feel for your mother could clearly be felt through the words you used. I enjoyed reading this.

I only saw a few things you might want to check out:

Losing you is still one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.

I spent two weeks in the hospital going no further than to the lounge ... and then that decision to leave for a little bit!

It was going to be a quick meal then off to get Daddy some clean clothes. Why is it that you left then, barely minutes after I drove off?

I had a nice read. Thank you for sharing this with us.


God bless,
Equilibrium

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208
208
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Green Dragon,

This is an infomative piece, but it is also fun to read. Your little comments sprinkled about the article helps boost the interest of the reader in continuing on, and that said I must tell you that I wasn't the least bit bored with this. It kept my curiousity and my attention until the end.

I noticed some thing you might want to look into, though. The lines in red are the exact copy of your work while the ones in blu/green are my comments and suggestions on how you may change them. But of course, it's totally up to you if you will take them or not.

I pointed his direction and supplied the text book answer, flight North West 28 from Thailand to New York.
To who was the character referring to at the line I pointed his direction?
I pointed his direction and supplied the text book answer: flight North West 28 from Thailand to New York.

But the requirements to move such a large number of dogs was daunting to say the least; international animal transportation requirements, shots, chips, health certificates and the list goes on.
There is noting wrong with this sentence, but I feel that it would read better like this:
But the requirements to move such a large number of dogs was daunting to say the least—international animal transportation requirements, shots, chips, health certificates ... the list goes on.

First things first, is your pet in good enough shape to travel?
First things first: is your pet in good enough shape to travel?

Here is what happened to me when I was unable to confirm my return flight with North West in Bangkok Thailand.
Here is what happened to me when I was unable to confirm my return flight with North West in Bangkok, Thailand.

This apparently had been a requirement with an enforcement date of two years prior, no where to be found on paper or on electrons.
This apparently had been a requirement with an enforcement date of two years prior, nowhere to be found on paper or on electrons.

Here is the trick, find someone toting around an extra wide trolly and hire him.
Here is the trick: find someone toting around an extra wide trolly and hire him.

Meekly walking up to the man with the cart I told him I needed three of those carts, he smiled and within minutes had what I needed.
I meekly walked up to the man with the cart I told him I needed three of them; he smiled and within minutes had what I needed.

I thought a dollar per piece of luggage was a great deal, that's what the sign on the side of the cart stated. I now know I should have asked before hiring them. The spokeman for the three came up to me at the end asking for $80.
I thought a dollar per piece of luggage was a great deal; after all, that's what the sign on the side of the cart stated. But now I know that I should have asked before hiring them, for when the spokeman for the three came up to me at the end, he asked for $80.

Now that your precious cargo is checked into the airline, if he is with you on the flight there is no more worries, he will be with you till you reach your end destination.
Now that your precious cargo is checked into the airline, if he is with you on the flight there is no more worries; he will be with you till you reach your end destination.

All 13 animals were exemplary upon hitting the ground, despite the 13 hr flight none of the dogs had deposited in their kennel.
All 13 animals were exemplary upon hitting the ground, and despite the 13 hr flight, none of the dogs had deposited in their kennel.

I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing and God bless!


Equilibrium

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209
209
Review of The Bird  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey,

Again, I immensely enjoyed this piece. It is ironic, and the way you wrote it was effective in getting a reaction from the readers. (I smiled when I finished reading this. *Smile*)

I like the way you repeated some of the words, like tweet-tweet, bang-bang and yum-yum.

The flow was smooth. Thank you for the nice read.


Keep writing and God bless!

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210
210
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a really fun and enjoyable piece to read. It made me smile. *Smile*

The way you told and presented your dog was entertaining and amusing (in a good way, of course). My family have a cat who is similar, that is why I can relate to this.

I like the pictures at the bottom. They enhance and add something extra to this essay.


God bless!
E

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211
211
Review of Rainbow  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Shelly, *Smile*

This is a heartwarming, inspirational story. The analogy fits, and I like your conclusion: It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow.

Here are some things i noticed in thsi item. The ones in red are the exact copy of your work and the ones in blue are my suggestions as to how you may change them. It is totally up to you if you will take them or not. *Smile*

We may not always know why the rain comes or why some days it may be in the form of a gentle afternoon shower and at other times it hits us with the full force of a hurricane.
We may not always know why the rain comes, or why some days it may be in the form of a gentle afternoon shower while at other times it hits us with the full force of a hurricane.

Let me tell you about the hurricane that lasted for a year and a half. Then I will tell you about the warm sunshine that was sprinkled throughout.
Let me tell you about the hurricane that lasted for a year and a half, and then I will tell you about the warm sunshine that was sprinkled throughout.

As I sat down at the computer and lit a candle. Hearing the dryer buzz in the other room I scooped Katie up into my arms and carried her into the kitchen where I began to fold laundry.
As I sat down at the computer and lit a candle, I heard the dryer buzz in the other room, so I scooped Katie up into my arms and carried her into the kitchen where I began to fold the laundry.

Sitting on the end of my bed was four year old Michaela, wide eyed with her arms open, and her mouth open completely unable to move.
Sitting on the end of my bed was four year old Michaela, wide eyed with her arms and mouth open, completely unable to move.

Then for some reason I realized that my van was in the drive way and thought “Oh no, with my van in the drive way they won’t be able to get to the house.”
Then for some reason I realized that my van was in the drive way and thought, “Oh no, with my van in the drive way they won’t be able to get to the house.”

Then the next wave hit, I had to move out of my friend’s house into a hotel room.
Then another wave hit and I had to move out of my friend’s house into a hotel room.

In a dizzying whirl as the car spun uncontrollably, children screaming, objects flying, with metal screeching as we bounced off of the cement wall.
In a dizzying whirl as the car spun uncontrollably, the children screamed, the objects flew, and the metal screeched as we bounced off of the cement wall.

I kicked open my door fell out of the car and crawled to the back door.
I kicked my door open, fell out of the car and crawled to the back door.

Katie was in shock, Michaela had a strange grin on her face and blood pouring out of her mouth, and Victoria was sobbing uncontrollably.
Katie was in shock, Michaela had a strange grin on her face and had blood pouring out of her mouth, while Victoria was sobbing uncontrollably.

Between moving back into my home, trying to find Benjamin, getting certified to do childcare and dealing with an on again/off again relationship with a boyfriend I stayed busy.
Between moving back into my home, trying to find Benjamin, getting certified to do childcare and dealing with an on again/off again relationship with a boyfriend, I stayed busy.

I felt like I might be able to pick myself up like had done with all of the other tragedies in my life. But as I looked around at the aftermath of this horrible storm all that was left of my house was a foundation.
I felt like I might be able to pick myself up like I had done with all of the other tragedies in my life, but as I looked around at the aftermath of this horrible storm all that was left of my house was a foundation.

I vacillated between being angry, fearful, bitter, shocked, guilty, and total disbelief.
I vacillated between disbelief, being angry, fearful, bitter, shocked, and guilty.

I also noticed that some of your sentences are too short. I suggest for you to combine some of them to make the flow better.

I'm glad that you survived the trials of that year. God bless! *Smile*


Keep writing,
Equilibrium

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212
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Review of Simple Pleasures  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello there, *Smile*

This is a great in and out. There are many simple pleasures one can have indeed, and this item made me realize mine. *Smile*

Thank you for thinking up of this idea and sharing it with the WDC community.


God bless!
Equilibrium

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213
213
Review of my first item  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey The Insomniac ,

This piece is really amusing. It was very entertaining and the absurdity of all that happened in this story were funny. It made me smile. *Smile*

I didn't give this a higher rating, though, because of some of the grammar/punctuation issues. There are some parts that needs commas, for example. Another thing is that some of the sentences seemed too abrubt and short; try combining them for a smoother flow. I will rewrite the first paragraph to show you what I mean:

Today started out poorly. I woke up on time but I was tired from fighting robots the night before, so, like a genious would, I went back to sleep. I woke up 25 minutes late for my bus. That really did not bug me that much, though. I hate going on the bus; it's a small one and someone usually farts. Plus, there's the whole wild-alligator-attacking-us thing, but the fart thing is worse because it is smelly and made of fire. I feel bad for the kid who lets them go, though.

I had fun reading this. *Smile*


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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Review of Emotional Reading  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Taknakhan ,

*Balloon1* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Balloon1*

I stumbled upon your work on the Newbies Work page and immediately decided to read this piece because of its description. It seemed interesting enough, and here are my thoughts for your reading enjoyment. *Bigsmile*

Title:
In my opinion, the title doesn't give justice to its body. I fail to see its large connection to the message of the poem, since the latter talks about an anigmatic person. I suggest for you to change it to something that could immediately grab the reader's attention—be craetive, and step out into the game of word play! *Smile*

Message:
Well put out in words. I like the arrangement and the whole, general flow of the piece. The rhyme scheme is also very satisfying and effective both when read aloud and mentally.

Error:
Only found one:

That hides the page’s crease

If this is in singular form, then it's correct; but if it's in plural form (that's my impression), this line should be like this:

That hides the pages' crease

Favorite Part/s:
The shifting prose of your eyes
and
I tried to make my path through the mind
But the one blocking my path was you.

Overall Impression:
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you for the nice read. *Smile*


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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215
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Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Jazz, *Smile*

This is a clever, well-written piece. Despite its short length, it's words spoke volumes to me and achieved the goal of being heard. The rhyme scheme was also well-arranged and the flow smooth.

I think the explanation at the bottom was a good idea. The question you presented at its end also caught my attention and made a great impression on me.

This is an item that deserves it pretty awardicon. *Bigsmile*


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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216
216
Review of The Ways of Life  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello S.M. Wellington ,

The arrangement of this piece is more of like those of a prose than a poem. I suggest that you divide the lines that are too long.

There are some typo's in this:

or can those whose mids broden beyond make others see?
or can those whose minds broaden beyond make others see?

Remember sweet friend thought the road be rough, and the storm tough; it was not about fairness but rather you dare to try agian.
Remember sweet friend though the road be rough, and the storm tough; it was not about fairness but rather you dare to try again.

Fear not fate for she is never wrong;fairness be nothing but foolishness and detrmination be all that is great.
Fear not fate for she is never wrong; fairness be nothing but foolishness and determination be all that is great.

The opening word OH seemed inapropriate, mostly because it was all capitalized.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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217
217
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a fun, enjoyable folder. The items included here are all well-written with good rhymes and great messages. Some I found educational and can help kids in knowing the right manners. *Smile*

The only suggestion I have is for you to put a space before and after the words that sandwich (...). I noticed that in many items you didn't do that. *Smile*

I had great fun stopping by your port. Keep writing and God bless!


Equilibrium
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Review of Purple Pea Stew  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey,

This is another fun poem. *Smile* Some of the words are really funny and they sound real good. *Laugh* My favorite part are the last four lines, since I found the rhymes quite irresistable there. This is a great poem for children and adults who love this kind of genre.

Have a great day!


Equilibrium
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219
Review of Bisenfrath Bath  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there,

I took your suggestion and visited this folder. *Smile* This is a fun poem to read! I love the middle parts and the way they rhyme. They brought a smile to my face. *Bigsmile*

Now I'm off to check out the other items included in this folder.


God bless!
Equilibrium

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220
220
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello W.D.

This story kept me reading and wondering how it would end. It was certainly a story I enjoyed reading, for it kept me interested. The part where the candies rained down on her as she tried to open the door was my favorite. Great imagery there. *Bigsmile*

There were parts where I felt like a comma should be placed, but I think that it is more to my personal preference than anything else. But I just thought I'd mention it anyway.

The ending was a little creepy, since I like stories that end in a happy, comforting note. But this one was certainly written well, so it kind of does make up for it. *Smile*


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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221
221
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Steve,

I think this is a great idea. This can give exposure to budding writers out there who deserves it, as well as to potential critics.

Suggestions:
I suggest for you to insert a colon or a comma after the word 'stop' in the title, which would make it Next Stop: Hollywood reviewers wanted or Next Stop, Hollywood reviewers wanted. Also, do not put any space before or after an M-dash.

These are just my opinions/suggestions; you may or may not take them. *Smile*


God bless!
Equilibrium

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222
222
Review of Being a Pilot  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece is interesting, but I think that in some parts it gets a little tight-necked and stiff in flow. I suggest for you to write in a lighter manner and with less formality.

The part I lked best in this piece was the paragraph about a pilot looking forward to come home. I could picture it vividly in my mind. The other thing I liked is the way you endid this with your advise to the aspiring pilots. It was a sentence full of good wordplay. *Smile*

I hope that in the future I would read a much lighter work of yours that deals less with the facts and more from imagery. *Bigsmile*


God bless!
_Equilibrium

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223
223
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there,

I found this piece to be educational. I enjoy reading occasional pieces like this to widen my knowledge, and you achieved the goal of bringing more information to my knowledge bank. *Smile*

I really don't know anything much about Hussein of Jordan (besides what you tell in this article), but he seemed to be a very effective leader in his time. I get the impression that this is a little bit of tribute to his rule, and I think this is a fairly interesting piece. It held my attention.


Keep writing and God bless!
_Equilibrium

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224
224
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Well, you certainly made your point in this piece. I found the explanations well thought-out and presented with many facts backing it up. This is a subject you obviously know a lot of, and the information included in this article makes this piece acceptable and believeable.

The only thing I noticed is that some of the punctuation marks were inappropriate, though I think that most of them are typo's; some missing commas and such.

Well, I'm still off to read the rest of your port! *Bigsmile*


God bless,
_Equilibrium

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225
225
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello again,

Again, this editorial provided some cold, hard facts that gave credibility to this piece. There were also some interesting parts that the common citizen would want to know. However, there are also some parts that I found a little too focused on statistics. I just think that this piece would be much better if it has more heart. Of course you need facts, but there should also be some lighter side.

One more thing I noticed is your utilization of the dash. I suggest for you to use an M-dash all the way (ALT0151).

Those are just my opinions. I hope you won't take any offense in them. *Smile*


God bless!
_Equilibrium

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