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226
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Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey raraa,

I found this to be a thought-provoking piece. You have your points, and you explained them well, and for that alone I give you creadit. There are also facts included in this piece that gives credibility and makes the readers stop and think as they consider your points. For that, I'll give this piece a four-star rating.

Keep writing and God bless!
_Equilibrium

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227
Review of Rating Inflation!  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Firedrake,

This is a really informative and helpful piece to all the members in this site. I do agree with you one hundred percent, and I do have my own dilemmas when rating a piece. Thank you for sharing your thoughts; by doing so you shed light on mine. *Smile*

Keep writing and God bless!
_Equilibrium

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228
Review of Torchwalk  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello again, *Smile*

I enjoyed reading this. The way that you told a story through this poem is done quite effectively. I love the way you described your 'Torchwalk'. *Bigsmile*

Favorite Part:
Our walk brings us to a castle,
I light my torch, Maria has some tea…


God bless!
_Equilibrium

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Review of I Think I Do  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there,

This is a really sweet poem in a kind of subtle way. I like the way the line I think I do Keeps getting repeated on every verse.

The message is really sweet, and the flow smooth, making it very easy to read.

Favorite Part:
Meshed, mumbled, bumbled, and jumbled.
And I think I do.

and the last verse. You tied it up nicely in the end. *Smile*


Keep writing and God bless!
_Equilibrium

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230
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello StephB,

I like your use of words in this piece, especially the reference to the colors. I only noticed a few things:

of the changing leave I’m used to
*Bullet*By the word 'leave' do you mean to desert, or as in a leaf? If it's the latter, you have to add 's' and make it 'leaves'.

And then for six months will nothing be born
You may rearrange this certain line so it wouldn't seem like a sentence. It can be like this:
And then for six months nothing will be born

Suggestion/s:
Add in some punctuation marks. It will put emphasis on the lines you want the readers to take more notice of, or for just a better read.
Also, use an M-dash (ALT0151) instead of just a dash. Do not put any space before or after it.

Favorite Part:
Trees turn from green to yellow and gold
And ever so wildly


Keep writing and God bless!
_Equilibrium

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231
231
Review of Under the Bed  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there,

Cool poem ... like the other members who commented on this piece, this also made me remember my terrors as a child. This is one of those poems that just makes you want to look back and remember those times when you were scared to dangle your feet over the side of the bed. *Smile*

God bless!
_Equilibrium

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Review of The Admirer  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello crosshair,

Great poem! The words you used really sunk deep in my heart. The imagery in the piece is well portrayed. I could see the words come to life in my mind ... this poem was a journey of one's love.

Favorite Part:
I am the locked door that knows the secrets of your heart
I am the hunter that stalks through the forest,
in search of the danger that follows your footsteps

This is a breath of fresh air. Thank you for sharing this with us. *Smile*


God bless!

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Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello there,

It took quite some time, but here’s the review you requested in "Invalid Item" .

Title:
I thought the title was very descriptive and creative. I like it.

Plot:
Honestly, at first it didn’t hold much of my attention. But as I neared the end of the excerpt, interest was already building inside me. The sudden reference to why she left her old job was the spark that ignited my curiosity, and made me want to know what would happen next.

Character/s:
The lead character, Cassandra, don’t seem to act her age. For me, she comes across as someone younger. Her actions and her thoughts suggest so, and I was surprised to know that she is already in her fifties. Maybe you should inject more ‘maturity’ in her role.

Setting:
You built a pretty good setting in this story. I have no problems with it.

Errors:
I found some sentences and lines that you might want to take a look at. I added in my suggestions as to how you may change it, but it is totally up to you if you want to take them or not.


Glancing over at the three elderly ladies, Cassandra could immediately distinguish the early stages of Alzheimers in the one woman. She had that confused look in her eyes even though the other woman was calmly trying to explain who she probabaly was.
Glancing over at the three elderly ladies, Cassandra could immediately distinguish the early stages of Alzheimer’s in the one woman. She had that confused look in her eyes even though the other woman was calmly trying to explain who she probably was.

The other woman shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, with a stuptified expression on her face.
}c:blue} The other woman shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, with a stultified expression on her face.

As she was copying the names and phone numbers, she had the distinct feeling of being watched. An uncomfortable feeling.
As she was copying the names and phone numbers, she had the distinct feeling of being watched, and it was an uncomfortable feeling.

"All finished?", she asked, taking the application and perusing it. "Thank you, Cassandra.", she said, smiling at her.
The commas between the dialogues and the word ‘she’ isn’t needed. I think it’s just a typo.

Cassie smiled, rolling over on her back, she answered "Good Morning, Poop! And that's Ms. Hart, if you don't mind!"
Cassie smiled, rolling over on her back. "Good Morning, Poop! And that's Ms. Hart, if you don't mind!"

They could sometimes appear from nowhere behind her and if they were in an angry state of mind, she could get cornered. And then get the living s*** beat out of her.
They could sometimes appear from nowhere behind her and if they were in an angry state of mind, she could get cornered and then get the living s*** beat out of her.

So the turn over in that branch of geriatric care, unlike skilled, was pretty slow. And finding a job in one of them was rare.
So the turn over in that branch of geriatric care, unlike skilled, was pretty slow, and finding a job in one of them was rare.

She looked at her caller ID and recognized the number from one of facilities she had gone to the day before.
She looked at her caller ID and recognized the number from one of the facilities she had gone to the day before.

"Ms. Hart? could you hold for one second, please?"
"Ms. Hart? Could you hold for one second, please?"

Looking in the mirror, Cassie thought, Good Grief! Looks like I was caught in another wind storm. and ran her fingers through her hair.
Looking in the mirror, Cassie thought, Good Grief! Looks like I was caught in another wind storm. She ran her fingers through her hair.

. Now it was an habitual action everymorning to turn on her blow dryer when she walked into the bathroom.
. Now it was a habitual action every morning to turn on her blow dryer when she walked into the bathroom.

Cassie laughed, So I spent too much time smiling the past fifty years.
Cassie laughed. So I spent too much time smiling the past fifty years.

… the directors felt intimidated by one wearing a three pice suit.
… the directors felt intimidated by one wearing a three piece suit.

Her mind wandered to the scene from yesterday and she smiled thinking about the two women who sat gossiping about the stranger in the lobby.
Her mind wandered to the scene from yesterday and she smiled, thinking about the two women who sat gossiping about the stranger in the lobby.

That woman had been in a wheel chair, too. And she had the same sour look on her face the day they wheeled her out and helped her into the sqad car. Cassie shuddered. And then she screamed, as the cold water hit her body and brought her back to the present.
That woman had been in a wheel chair, too, and she had the same sour look on her face the day they wheeled her out and helped her into the squad car. Cassie shuddered, and then she screamed as the cold water hit her body and brought her back to the present.


Suggestion/s:
Put a space before and after the words that sandwich (…)

Overall Impression:
It started off slow, but the interest and the twist in the story comes later and the readers would want to know more because of it. You already have a good foundation, and it can produce a good finished story or novella. Keep developing your ideas and keep writing.


God bless!

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234
234
Review of God, Who Are You?  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

This poem is by far the most 'regal' piece I've read in your port. This poem seem to hold authority, and the words are very 'established', if you know what I mean.

Favorite Part:
an extension of every life force,
everything in existence-
what was then, is now,

and

From one source we came,
and to one source we shall return.

Error:
I am not sure if this was intended, but I think the word 'globule' in the third line should be 'globe'.


God bless!

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235
235
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello intuey,

Another great poem! I thoroughly enjoyed this one since I am a Christian and loves God with all of my *Heart*.

Favorite Part:
It's by his stripes I'm healed,
By my beliefs, my fate He sealed.

and

I'm truly blessed by you my Lord,
for being both my shield and sword.

Suggestion:
Capitalize 'His' in the first line of the third verse. I think that it was just a typo, since in the whole length of the piece you capitalized the words referring to God.

Overall Impression:
The flow was smooth, the rhymes well-placed. The message is very light and effectively relayed in the piece.


God bless!

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236
236
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again *Smile*

I definitely like the words used in this piece. The imagery you presented was powerful, and it made me apreciate nature more. The words depicted how beautiful the world can be, even from the sight of a single raindrop.

Favorite Part:
Uncut roses dance happily, while
Pulsating daisies enjoy their cleansing shower.

Suggestion/s:
I noticed at the top of the page, it is stated that the piece is an Acrostic for Staring up at the Rainbow when the title and the acrostic is really an Acrostic for Staring up at the Raindrops.
Also, I suggest for you to vhange the word 'falling' in the last line of the forst verse, since in the line before that the word was already used. Maybe you can change it to 'cascading' or something like that.

Overall Impression:
I enjoyed reading this piece. The fact that this is an acrostic, I must say that you did a very good job in selecting the right words to fit the form.


Keep writing and God bless!

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237
Review of The Song of Hope  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello *Smile*

Your folder for poems seemed very interesting so I decided to stay here for a while and scout your works. I must say that once I started clicking and reading, I wasn't disappointed. *Bigsmile*

So here is my comment on this piece:

Title:
It already says a lot says a lot, and gives the readers a hint that the piece will have its share of inspirational message. I wouldn't mind on soaking up on some, so i decided to check this out. (and if you're wondering, it was kind of inspiring *Delight*)

The Body:
The rhyme scheme was very appealing and it made the flow smooth. The choice of words were also good, resulting in an effective wordplay.

Favorite Part:
The fire of hope may flicker,
but the flame will never die,
blanketing the menaces with feathers,
carrying them on toward the sky.

Overall Impression:
A very nice read. *Bigsmile*


Keep writing and God bless!

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238
238
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello there intuey,

You did a very good job in writing this piece. It exudes this aura that just pulls in the readers and keep them reading.

What I liked:
The imagery was the aspect I liked best. You paint a vivid picture of a haunted house with a sprawling, unkept ground, and I just loved the way you captured it.

Favorite Line/s:
The second and last verses are the ones that caught my attention the most. On the second stanza, I could clearly see the words come to life, and on the last verse it was a clean way to wrap things up.

Overall Impression:
A well-written piece that definitely deserves the awardicon it has. *Smile*


Keep writing and God bless!

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239
239
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey there! *Smile*

I read a great review of this item on the Public Reviewing Page, and I thought that I might as well check it out since the reviewer gave such a high rating and made many praise. As it turns out, I am not disappointed.

I totally agree with the reviewer that you wrote the two poems very well. The descriptions you used were impressive, and the utilization of the promt was creatively taken and done. The word play was very satisfying, and it dances in the minds of the readers.

As for the flow, I have no complaints. It was very smooth and the two poems are easily read.

Thank you for sharing your work with us. Indeed, you are a good writer. *Bigsmile*


God bless!

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240
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sid Falcon,

I like the title of this piece ... it is what reeled me into reading the poem in the first place.

The body is also well-written. The words you used brought vivid images in my mind, and the way you arranged them resulted in a smooth flow. It is very easy to read.

Favorite Part:
Bringing a rose, a poem, a cold kiss,
Bits and pieces from the shattered past,

Thank you for sharing this piece with us. Keep writing and God bless.
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241
241
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey L.E.,

This is a good follow-up to the other chapters. The way this was written I wasn't really sure what to or what not to believe to the main character's stories. It was really effective the way you presented his mind.

Here are some things I noticed. Agin, I hope it will help you. *Smile*


The door opens and the doctor’s enter.
The door opens and the doctors enter.
'doctors' should be plural.

It would seem that it is almost time too real in my fish.
This statement is a little confusing. I wasn't sure what the character means by it, and in my opinion this would be better if rephrased for clearer understanding.

Dr. Carl shifts nervously in his chair fumbling at his neck as if his tie is too tight.
This would read better if you add a comma after the word 'chair'.

I notice my hands are rubbing against themselves. So I stop.
I notice that my hands are rubbing against themselves, so I stop.
This is a suggested way of how you can rephrase the sentence for a better read.

There is water and coffee on the way if you would like to wait until they arrive that would be quite all right.
There is water and coffee on the way if you would like to wait until they arrive—that would be quite all right.
I added in an M-dash. It has an ASCII code of ALT0151

Before you mistake this as kindness I do not mean the attacked of Dr. Carl, I mean my losing control of my emotions.
Before you mistake this as kindness, I do not mean the attacked of Dr. Carl, but my losing control of my emotions.

My parents who beat me when I cried at the thought of being watched by my abuser.
I felt that this is a sentence you could omit or rephrase so it wouldn't be confusing. It presents two different perspectives, and it needs to be clearer so the readers could undertsand more easily.

“When school started I knew that I was different. While the other kids were sticking gum in each others
hair and snacking on crayons dipped in paste, I was watching them. It made me angry. While I was reading through letter book, after letter book and daydreaming, my classmates were struggling to circle the right objects that begin with the letter f and learning that T was for tooth.”
“When school started I knew that I was different. While the other kids were sticking gum in each others' hair and snacking on crayons dipped in paste, I was watching them. It made me angry. While I was reading through letter book after letter book and daydreaming, my classmates were struggling to circle the right objects that begin with the letter f and learning that T was for tooth.”

The door opens and a cart is wheeled in, as Dr. Lee stated with my beverages.
The door opens and a cart is wheeled in with my beverages, just as Dr. Lee stated earlier.
A suggested reorganization of the sentence.

They lived with five of my mother ten brothers and sisters.
They lived with five of my mother's ten brothers and sisters.

Asa always I watch them as I sip.
As always I watch them as I sip.
A typo on the word 'As'.

She screamed right up until the moment before she died. At that last moment she smiled, nodded, said ok and drifted off into death.
The two lines contradict one another. On the first sentence it is said that she screamed at the last moment of her life, and then on the second line it is stated that she 'drifted off into death', which seemed pretty peaceful.

It was a nice warm summer day, just as she liked, when she died.
The word 'died' seemed overused because the paragraph this sentence was in already used the word. Maybe you can cahnge it to 'passed away' or another synonym.

Thinking back on it I agree, he was never the same after Gram died.
Thinking back on it I agree; he was never the same after Gram died.

His shoes were still impeccably shined As he smoked his Camels his lips held a faint bluish tint.
His shoes were still impeccably shined and as he smoked his Camels his lips held a faint bluish tint.

Sometimes I think he was the only one whoever did.
Sometimes I think he was the only one who ever did.

The funny thing is I remember everything leading up to the deaths of my grandparents, I don’t remember the funerals themselves.
The funny thing is that even though I remember everything leading up to the deaths of my grandparents, I don’t remember the funerals themselves.

Again, mine eyes have moistened over.
Again, my eyes have moistened over.

My uncle was ten years older than and he became my only friend.
My uncle was ten years older than me and he became my only friend.

Well, she was a year younger, but who was I to complain.
Well, she was a year younger, but who was I to complain?

People are more worried about the perceptions others have of them then being true to themselves.
People are more worried about the perceptions others have of them than being true to themselves.

“His name was Peter Anson. I think that will be enough for today. I would like to be returned to my room now.”
I thought the main character stayed in his room because of the last meeting he had with the doctors. This was a little confusing for me.


I'll be sure to read the next chapter. Keep writing!


God bless,

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242
Review of Running from Fear  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello NT,

I like the way this poem tells a story. It was told well and the ending was the line that caught my attention. I suppose that the readers are the one who is supposed to conclude on the meaning of this piece, and I must say that you made me think. *Smile*

Suggestion:
Add some punctuation marks. It will give more feeling and emphasis on the poem. Read this piece aloud so you may know much easier what mark should go where.

Keep writing and God bless.


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Review of One and Another  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Ash,

I enjoyed this piece immensely. It is very emotional and I like the way you portrayed the feelings. The title also works for me—I found it cleverly picked.

Favorite Part:
The first and last verse. *Bigsmile*

Keep writing and God bless!

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244
Review of Stone of Vonlet  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Amy,

What an intriguing start! You got my attention the moment I read the first line. You exuded mystery and a magical aura, and it was effective for me.

There are some things I noticed, though. I found the sentences too short, like the first four lines. I suggest for you to connect some of them, so the reader wouldn't feel like the story halts, then goes again. You can do it like this:

Half her face was hidden behind the hood of her cloak. The one visible amber-colored eye glared mercilessly at him as her lips set in a thin, hard line. Several small wounds and the accompanying blood marred one cheek.

You can add more descriptions there and thus lengthen the sentences. I would have enjoyed this more if it has more vivid descriptions.

The following are lines that are quite confusing. I provided my suggestions (the blue/green ones) as to how you may change it, but it is up to yoy if you will take them or not.

If anything, it enhanced it drawing his eyes to her unnatural ones.
If anything, it drawed his eyes more to her unnatural ones.

The only thing that could draw his eyes away from hers was the clear glowing stone hanging about her neck on a string of leather.
This is not confusing, but the word draw seemed overused to me since you already mentioned it in the previous sentence. You can replace it with the word take so it wouldn't seem redundant.

It gave great powers to any who wore and like all great things it had its vices.
It gave great powers to any who wore it, and like all great things had its vices.

In the Stone misits seemed to swirl and eddy catching the light every now and then.
The word 'mist' is misspelled, and the name 'Eddy' wasn't capitalized. You might want also want to pay more attention on tenses. Stick to one; that is, I think past tense is the way to go in this piece. This line can be cahnged to
In the Stone mists seemed to swirl and Eddy caught the light every now and then.

I think you have a great foundation here. It's really interesting and I'm curious as to what should follow this.

Keep writing and God bless!


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Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Bluetooth,

This is a sweet song ... I like the overall message, and the sincerity is there in the lyrics.

Suggestion:
In the title, make 'my self' as one word.

Part I liked best:
The first verse. It was a good start.

Keep writing.


God bless,
_Equilibrium

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246
246
Review of Piano Praise  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello go0danplenty,

I really enjoyed this piece. I love the words you used, and how you made them fit so well together as if they flow in one river of beautiful imagery. I didn't find it boring but well-written.

What I liked:
As I have stated before, I love the way you used the words. The descriptions are great.

Favorite Part:
And still, in the only place it ever belonged, the piano rested, catching rays of sunshine in the morning, gathering swirling dust motes in the evening, and reflecting evanescent moonlight in the night.
Pretty, pretty finish! *Smile*

Overall Impression:
This is definitely worth the read and deserves a high rating.

Keep writing.


God bless,
_Equilibrium

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Review of Confused  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello notonlywild,

This poem is really dark in my opinion—the opening line established that for me. Though the last part kind of eased the aura, I felt that more could be added into this to create a more descriptive and effective poem. It can also be lightened up more; i.e., start out the poem on the dark side but end it in a much lighter note.

Anyway, that's justa suggestion. *Smile*


Keep writing and God bless!
_Equilibrium

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248
248
Review of Always a Stranger  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello YBNORMAL2,

This poem is a little on the dark side and yet it seems to have this light air surrounding it, making it not as dark as it is.

My thoughts:
The message is a little on the cliché side at the start, but it eases into it's own uniqueness as the poem goes on.

What I liked:
The rhyme scheme you created fit well. It made the flow smooth and the poem very easy to read.

Part I liked best:
I don't know what to do
I don't understand
I look at you

Suggestion/s:
Add in some punctuation marks. It can enhance the poem and emphasize its points. Read it aloud so you can tell easier what mark should go where.
About the line I close my hand, I felt that it wasn't really necessary to put it there. It kind of distracted me a bit. Maybe you could omit it or just place it somewhere else in the poem. It's just a personal preference, though, and you have every right to not take my suggestions. *Smile*

Overall Impression:
A nice read.

Keep writing.


God bless,
_Equilibrium

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249
249
Review of Forgotten  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello there Quaddy,

I like the arrangement of this poem. I found the flow smooth and without any bumps that would distract the readers. The words you used also worked for me; they were well picked.

Part I liked best:
Tossed into the winds of change and posterity, though here I stand before you.
Shouting.

Keep writing.


God bless,
_Equilibrium

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250
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello there nc,

I think you can expand this into a larger work 0151maybe a novel or a novella. I can see the potential in this short story.

Some things I noticed:
It should be T-shirt instead of tshirt, and the line A dark-haired girl stepped into the office gently pulling the door shut. will be more effective if you put a comma befor 'gently' and after 'office'.

Suggestion:
The reference to the babies that needs to be fed didn't work well with the whole aura of the story. It sounded kind of extreme and a line out of some soap-opera. It will be better if you change it.

Overall Impression:
This is a fun piece to read. *Smile*


God bless,
_Equilibrium

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