*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/equinox/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: OFF
945 Public Reviews Given
1,046 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 -4- 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
76
76
Review of Stormy  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Annie !


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is my review of your poem "Stormy" .


Positive Point(s):
*Bullet*You did a good job of connecting the characteristics of a storm to anger.
*Bullet*The wordplay was simple but effective in conveying the right message and emotion.

Suggestion(s):
*Bullet*In the line And out come the flies, consider changing come to came. It will make this line easier to comprehend and less confusing.
*Bullet*You can omit that in the line With every word that I speak.
*Bullet*Take note of the syllable count when writing rhymed poetry for it betters the rhythm and smoothness of flow.
*Cut*These, of course, are only my opinion. Feel free to use any or none of them.

My Favorite Part(s):
Can you the see thunder rolling,
Hear the lightning in my eyes?
and
Let it roll like water?
*Star*The wordplay here is really effective.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
77
77
Review of An Angel Guide  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Annie !


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is my review of your poem "An Angel Guide" .


Positive Point(s):
*Bullet*The message/story was really nice. Angels sent by the Lord do save us when we are in trouble; I have been a witness to that.
*Bullet*The overall flow was fairly good.

Suggestion(s):
*Bullet*A comma after now is needed in the line Careful now my dear.
*Bullet*In the piece, only one of the cars was described (the onewhic blew up). You didn't write about the car of the one saved, therefore making the last verse a little awkward. Consider adding a stanza or two detailing the other car as well.
*Bullet*Take not of the syllable count when writing rhymed poetry for it betters the rhythm and smoothness of flow.
*Cut*These, of course, are only my opinion. Feel free to use any or none of them.

My Favorite Part(s):
Field of icy clover


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
78
78
Review of Paranoia  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello kiyasama!


*Reading*This story is a little scary, especially the ending dialogue. It made my imagination run overtime; it was as if the story still wasn't finished and it is up to the reader to weave an ending. Good job.


Suggestion(s):
*Bullet*These are only my opinion; feel free to take any or none of my suggestions. Hope they help you! *Smile*

...genuine Turkish rugs and Persian silks drapes which lined the walls. silk

*Bullet*Again, use an M-dash (ALT + 0151) instead of a hyphen of n-dash for a parenthetical punctuation. Do not put any space before or after it.

*Bullet*Add a space before and after an ellipis (when sandwiched between two words).

She really had to get out of here now. there

he asked and grinned, showing shark like white teeth in the gloom. Add a hyphen between the underlined words. Look for other sentences with the same error as this.

She thought of telling him to stick his party somewhere the sun doesn’t shine, but decided against it. The underlined word made the sentence confusing; consider replacing it with WHERE.

“I only imagined it that’s all. He couldn’t have possibly…” Add a comma after IMAGINE IT.

Finally having enough of her tantrum, he had gripped her wrists to threaten her gruffly, A period should end this.

“Touch me one more time woman and I swear I’ll kill you.” As I've always said before, punctuation marks is very important in making the sentences clear and easy to comprehend. In this case, this is a little confusing because of lack of commas. Add a comma after TIME and WOMAN.

But what if it’s real! A question mark should replace the exclamation point since you used WHAT, a word denoting a question.

Debra’s cold and resentful, Brenda’s confused and slightly annoyed. Incomplete thought. Add WAS after each of their names.

She was going to have to something about her cheating husband and her best friend. Incomplete thought. Add DO before SOMETHING.

Debra guessed it was love at first sight when she finally saw Richard for the first time. Omit FINALLY. It is not needed and only contradicts the thought of the sentence.

No she wasn’t. Add a comma after NO.

She tried desperately to hold on to consciousness, but the cold sensation and Richard’s still body against her chest, was too much to bear. Remove the comma after CHEST.

She felt her eyes lids being closed by the warm... Eyelids

“Oh your money is no good here, Missus Shipman," Add a comma after OH.

*Reading*A little polishing is needed, but I am sure that with a reread you can edit this piece and create an even better story. I enjoyed reading this.


Keep writing and God bless you!
Maricor

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
79
79
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Annie !


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is my review of your poem "Teach Me to Whisper" .


Positive Point(s):
*Bullet*You did good in presenting effective imagery through the use of colorful wordplay.
*Bullet*The message is simple, but really spoke volumes when I, as the reader, finished reading the piece.
*Bullet*The title is very fitting.
*Bullet*I love how you ended this poem—it was like a door to this woderful world closed slowly, leaving traces of its grandeur. At the same time, another door opened in the reader's mind, allowing her to still see the beauty.

Suggestion(s):
*Bullet*In the line In the still quiet dusk, if you mean the quiet dusk is still, then this is right. But if what you are trying to do is attribute still as another adjective for dusk, then add a comma after still.
*Bullet*A space is lacking after the first comma in the line The spider,this eve,
*Bullet*Again, consider the syllable count.
*Cut*These, of course, are only my opinion. Feel free to use any or none of them.

My Favorite Part(s):
Daisy and Primrose
Lean petal to style.
Dream of great beauty
A lily in the Nile.
*Star*I had a vision of flowers doing ballet when I read this line. *Smile* A pretty picture!


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
80
80
Review of Ode to Joy  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Annie !


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is my review of your poem "Ode to Joy" .


Positive Point(s):
*Bullet*Good use of WritingML.
*Bullet*Since this was written for a contest, I think you did good in abiding by the rules, as well as the use of the prompts.
*Bullet*I love the relaxed, almost playful tone of the piece. It makes this a very easy and comfortable read.

Suggestion(s):
*Bullet*A comma is needed after back to make the following line stand out more, suing its emotional content: Hold me back oh walls of plaster!
*Bullet*In the line Surrender my sweet Almond Joy! if you are telling a person to surrender the sweet Almond Joy, then this is right. But if you are telling the sweet Almond Joy to surrender, add a comma after Surrender. Remember, punctuation marks play a great role in making the meaning of a sentence clear.
*Bullet*Again, consider the syllable count when writing rymed poetry. It will help better the smoothness of the flow.
*Cut*These, of course, are only my opinion. Feel free to use any or none of them.

My Favorite Part(s):
But to yield, what a disaster!
Hold me back oh walls of plaster!
*Star*I like this for the humor you inserted here. I had a very colorful image when I read this particular lines. *Bigsmile*


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
81
81
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello nadjaanderson!


*Reading*I saw a review of your story "Cat's in the Cradle & a Silver Spoon"  in the Public Reviewing Page and was intrigued with the views of the the person who R/Red it. The title also posed a really interesting story behind it, so I decided to check it out.

I'm glad I did. *Smile* This was a little sad, but the emotions you wove into this tale are so real and very raw. It cuts the reader and connects them to the characters; it involves them, which, in my opinion, in one of the most important things a writer should be able to achieve.


Suggestions:
As I was reading this, I noticed a few parts that could be improved. I took the liberty and highlighted them for you along with my suggestions. I hope they would be helpful. Please feel free to use any or none of them. *Smile*

Cat's in the Crade & a Silver Spoon This is the title. I think the underlined word should be CRADLE, and not CRADE.

I’m going to disappoint you. But you knew that already. When you read your short description, you will notice that this was only one sentence divided by a comma. I think that is the best way to write this.

Dad will you be there? Add a comma after DAD. It will make the meaning clearer and flow better.

I see it in the way you sit slumped on the leather sofa in the skimpy clothes that I hate, pretending. This could be edited a bit to make this read better as well as avoid any awkward parts. Here is my suggestion:
I see it in the way you sit slumped on the leather sofa in those skimpy clothes I hate, pretending.

*Bullet*When proofreading, keep a look-out for those sentences having the word that. Some lines don't need them and will still work without it; when you find such parts, omit the said word.

Instead you stare out the window at the perfect green lawn and I look too. As though the answer lies out there, in the world of responsibilities and obligations that I blame for my own parental inadequacies.I think that in these kind of stories where the voice of the narrator is a key aspect in eliciting and delivering emotions, the pace is very important. This part can still be made better; here is my suggestion:
Instead, you stare out the window at the perfect green lawn. I follow your gaze and look, as though the answer lies out there in the world of responsibilities and obligations that I blame for my own parental inadequacies.

It seems the older I get the more I blame time. Add a comma after GET.

That smile you got from your mother. This can be rephrased to better the read:
You have the same smile of your mother.

That silver tongue you get from me. Except that you still have the courage to say the lies to my face. Combining these sentences would better the flow and pace.
That silver tongue you get from me, except you still have the courage to say lies to my face.


*Reading*The ending kept me hanging. Do you plan on expanding this, even for a couple more parapgraphs? Or, you could rephrase the last sentence so it wouldn't seem like all tha things said and done in the story were left hanging. Just a thought. *Smile*

Keep up the good work! Thanks for sharing this with us, ands write on. *Thumbsup*


God bless you,
Maricor

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


82
82
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dr M C Gupta !


*Reading*Having read the poem and some of the reviews you included in this piece, I must say this is one controversial writing. I was extremely intrigued and interested with your views and how you answered the comments of the other reviewers. I think you presented your point well.

I am not an American, nor do I live in the West, so I cannot say this offended me. I am in the South East Asian corner of the world, but I believe I can give you a fair opinion on this matter.

The Poem
I have no complaint about how you wrote this. I think you are becoming an expert in writing poetry with rhyme and meter, looking at how well this piece flowed. I also liked the wordplay you used—direct to the point and simple, yet it spoke volumes.

The only suggestion I have is for you to consider lower-casing some words which began some lines. Not all of them must be capitalized, but it is up to you if you want to make the change or not. *Smile*

My favorite part of the piece were the last two verses. It had a powerful message and grabbed my attention the most.

The Message
I understand how some Westerners may find this insulting. They will take this in a more negative approach since this talks about the West trying subjugate the East. You said some valid points, and I can clearly see the basis for them.

Westerners feel insulted because they feel you are referring to their race as a whole, implying all of them are evil. Is there any way to hint in the poem you are only convicting those people who are doing those damages in the East? I am sure you are not biased in your opinions and also see the other side—those who genuinely try to do good to their fellowmen.

Overall
This was a very thought-provoking read. It was a pleasure to be able to read and comment on this piece. Keep writing!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
A review from a debater in "Invalid Item" 
83
83
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello kiyasama!


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is the review of "Money Can Buy You Love" .

Positive Point(s):
*Bullet*You have a very catchy title and decsription—cleverly picked!
*Bullet*I really liked the easy flow of the narration. It made me feel comfortable, as if a close friend of mine was telling me the story.
*Bullet*The plot was really good. I didn't know for sure what you planned to happen, but in the end I got a smile out of the whole story. It was sweet, a little silly, but a very lovable one. *Smile*
*Bullet*I commend you for writing a realistic piece with realistic characters.
*Bullet*I liked how this was not the usual, mushy, lovey-dovey romance story. I always hate it when things get overly dramatic or sweet to the extent that it becomes worthy of an OH PLEASE! comment. *Wink* Good job!
*Bullet*The humor you injected was very effective.

Negative Point(s):
*Bullet*None, really, except the minor grammatical/punctuation errors I spotted while I was reading. Look below for my suggestions and comments for them.

Grammar/Punctuation/Narration/Suggestion(s):
I took the liberty and highlighted parts which I felt needed your attention. I hope you don't mind, but I added my own revisions and suggestions along with it. I am not an expert on grammar and/or punctuation but I hope my suggestions help you. Please feel free to use any or none of them. *Smile*

*Star*


Why, I just bought some for $393.56 – not cheap considering gas prices these days. Replace the n-dash with an M-dash (ALT + 0151) and do not put any space before or after it. The n-dash is used for numerical ranges (e.g. 3-4 years) while the m-dash is used as a form of parenthetical punctuation. Also, add a comma after CHEAP because the flow of the sentence would be better.

You see, I’m one of those people that you could call rational. Refrain from using the word THAT often. Most of the time, it's not really needed in the sentence just like this one. Of course, some still need it, but be careful and do not overuse it.

I do not consider myself beautiful – gorgeous perhaps. See my explanation for my first highlighted sentence. This time, the comma should be after GORGEOUS.

“What good would that do, when I can’t even see the paintings I’m showing to prospective buyers?” Remove the comma here. It is not needed and only halts the thought and makes the sentence slightly awkward.

A good bath/shower in the morning, light foundation and lip gloss and I’m all set to go. You used AND twice here. Maybe if you omit one, the line would flow smoother.
A good bath/shower in the morning, light foundation, some lip gloss, and then I’m all set to go.

You should see all the men that who wants a piece of you and yet you turn them away with that scowl on your face. I made these revisions because the sentence didn't read that smoothly and was a little awkward.

We had planned a showing for this weekend, of a young budding artist by the name of Larry Polk. Again, it read a little awkwardly. Here is my suggestion as to how you may rephrase this:
We had planned a showing that weekend for a young budding artist by the name of Larry Polk.

Not quite the artistic name but his work was good. Exceptionally good. This part sounded a little flat. A little punctuation here and a small addition there would be good.
Not quite the artistic name, but his work was good. Exceptionally good, actually.

As soon as his samples showed up on our desk, Greg and I knew we had to showcase him this week. The problem here is that you refer to the past as THIS WEEK, whereas it should be THAT WEEK because it already happened.

ran blindly, my hair unraveling from its knot to fall into my face in thick black clumps while my somewhat expensive dress suit was soaked. Maybe add a comma after THICK? It may read better.

“Is everything all right, ma’am?” he asked and that brought me crashing right back to earth. Ma’am? I’m only twenty-five for crying out loud! Commas are needed after ASKED and TWENTY-FIVE. It makes the meaning of the sentence clearer.

“Listen, whoever you are. We’re not accepting amateurs today, all right? Come next week when we have open auditions for artists and you can send in your portfolio. Until then, bye.”
“…and good luck,” I added as an afterthought. I should at least send him off nicely. I think this would read better if you didn't separate this in two paragraphs. Here is my revision:
“Listen, whoever you are. We’re not accepting amateurs today, all right? Come next week when we have open auditions for artists and you can send in your portfolio. Until then, bye ... and good luck,” I added as an afterthought. I should at least send him off nicely.

“I’m...Larry Polk?” he said with undeniable amusement in his tone. “I was the one that sent my portfolio by mail because I couldn’t afford…” When using ellipses which is sandwiched between two words (like in the sentence above), always add a space before and after it. Also, THAT should be replaced by WHO in the phrase ...THE ONE THAT SENT MY PORTFOLIO... Remember, you are referring to a person and not an obeject here.

I would not consider myself a true art connoisseur, but there’s no denying that my father’s job as a museum curator and my mother’s dabble into the art field influenced my life greatly.

I studied diligently and learned to differentiate between true artists and those who only mocked the genre. The word is not needed. It only makes the thought redundant.

I thought we had wooed him completely and now he was willing to go to another gallery? This is confusing because you didn't use correct punctuation marks and wordplay. Here is my revision:
I thought we had wooed him completely, but now he was willing to go to another gallery?

“I mean, I’m a bit low on cash at the moment and the place I’m staying in – well the landlady says I’ve got to pay her this afternoon or she’s kicking me out.” I think using an ellipsis would be better than a dash, since it seemed to me like the dialogue was trailing off.

That’s the only problem right? Add a comma after PROBLEM. It clears the message of the sentence up.

*Bullet*Be careful not to use the M-dash too much. It calls too much attention to itself so you should only use it when needed, or when you want to stress something.

*Star*


*Reading*I honestly enjoyed this story immensely. The ending wasn't what I expected, but you finished it perfectly. *Bigsmile* You left just enough space for the readers to form their own conclusions but also gave us an idea of what is likely to happen.

Your characters are all very lovable and I think you could expand this. I just can't get enough of Becky and Larry! Grey was also a very intriguing and colorful character.

Congratulations on writing such an excellent piece of short story. Keep up the good work! *Bigsmile*


Keep writing and God bless,
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
84
84
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello confusedkitten !


*Reading*I found your item on the Plug Page and thought I would welcome you to the community, as well as congratulate you for posting your first item in your port. *Bigsmile*

I liked the wordplay of this poem. It's very descriptive and ignited my imagination—I loved how you took one thing and presented it to me in different ways. Good job. *Thumbsup* That's the positive.

The negative aspect of this piece is that some of the lines were too long. There's still this certain beat that kept it, but I also felt this reads more like prose. You ended a thought in each line and with a period, and I guess that's what made this read a little flatly.

My suggestion is for you to try and use different punctuation marks. It helps in creating different moods for the poem. It also tells the reader when to stop, pause, or continue. It's very effective in conveying the message in a level where it has more impact.

There's no problem if your piece doesn't rhyme—this is a free-verse. You captured the 'chaos' in this piece well. *Smile*

My Favorite Part:
Beautiful chaos.
I’m amidst a deadly work or art.
*Bullet*This reminds me that I have another suggestion to make. I aboslutely love these two lines, but I think the line that in the I’m amidst a deadly work or art. the word OR before ART should be replaced with OF. It will be more effective that way.

*Reading*Keep writing, sweetie! I enjoyed reading your work, and I hope you will continue sharing more of your pieces with this community. God bless you! *Bigsmile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
85
85
Review of One Word  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello cherry !


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is the review of "One Word" .

Positive Point(s):
*Bullet*Great description. It's really intriguing and immediately got me interested to read the piece. You gave me, as a would-be reader, an idea of what the story is about without giving anything away. Good job.
*Bullet*There is a moral for this story, as well as a warning.

Negative Point(s):
*Bullet*You didn't develop the emotions. They were 'outburst' so I wasn't able to connect with the characters and 'feel' for them.
*Bullet*There were grammar/punctuation errors.

Grammar/Punctuation/Narration/Suggestion(s):
I took the liberty and highlighted parts which I felt needed your attention. I hope you don't mind, but I added my own revisions and suggestions along with it. I am not an expert on grammar and/or punctuation but I hope my suggestions help you. Please feel free to use any or none of them. *Smile*

*Star*


Slowly rising from the bed she made her way to the bathroom. You could add a comma after BED or rephrase this. My suggestions is below.
She slowly rose from the bed and made her way to the bathroom.

She feared what she was about to discover, she didn’t want to look at it but she had to know. Replace the comma with a semi-colon.

*Bullet*I noticed that you lack commas in several parts. Like in the sentence Reaching for the thin stick she took a deep breath., you need to add a comma after STICK. It's a good idea to reread a piece (if possible, out loud) so you may spot sentences which need breaks. I will not highlight any more sentence like this; I trust that with a good reread you will be able to spot them.

Her hand started to tremble as she stared at it, she was afraid the news would be this but she did not know how to handle it. Separate this with a period. Also, I recommend some word changes:
Her hand started to tremble as she stared at it. She was afraid the result would be as she expected, but she did not know how to handle it.

Sarah had once been Jamie’s friend but now she would rather that Jamie was dead. I find this a little extreme. Consider using another word than DEAD.

*Bullet*Some of your sentences are too long and needs to be separated. For example, the part Raising her eyes she stared at her surroundings, she was standing in front of a second hand shop. needs to have a comma after EYES and the comma after SURROUNDINGS replaced with a period. There are other sentences like this but I also trust that with my example, you should be able to spot them.

The shop sign hanging loosely over the door, making a squeaking sound as the wind gently brushed past it, the windows covered in a thin layer of dirt. Replace HANGING with HUNG. Replace the comma after PAST IT with a period.

In the darkened shop she could see furniture that some people might class as antiques but looked as thought they would collapse with one touch, old clothes that went out of style at least fifty years before and shelves full of old trinkets that someone had once found valuable. This read a little awkwardly. Here is my suggestion as to how you may revise this:
She could see furniture in the darkened shop which some people might class as antiques but looked as though they would collapse with one touch. There were also old clothes that went out of style at least fifty years before and shelves full of old trinkets someone had once found valuable.

She was just reading the book, but all around her the scenery was changing.

The pages of the diary dissolved in front of her eyes, now she could swear she was standing in a medieval town square, people had gathered and all watching and yelling at one girl. This is an example of how the utilization of punctuation marks can affect the flow of the sentence. Throughout the piece, I find that you try to squeeze a lot of descriptions and thoughts in one sentence. It takes the imagery out because of the constriction/restriction, so take your time and arrange the sentences. I will not highlight any more parts like this as well.
The pages of the diary dissolved in front of her eyes. She blinked, and she was now standing in a medieval town square. All around her, people stood yelling as they watched one girl.

*Bullet*Watch out for misspelled words.

*Bullet*The sudden dropping of the name BRIGITTA is a negative. Some readers may be confused as to who she is; I suggest for you to write HER NAME IS BRIGITTA after describing the pregnant woman.

Should I give them the satisfaction and just tell them what they want to hear, perhaps they are right. Replace the comma after HEAR with a question mark.

*Bullet*Watch out for shifts in the tense.

*Bullet*There was a part in your story where Brigitta was being interrogated and puched into a 'coffin-like box'. I think you are referring to a form of torture in the medieval times called the IRON MAIDEN, but I must tell you that once a person is put inside and the lid closed, the person will die immediately because there will be no room for movement.

*Bullet*You tend to repeat the same words in succeeding sentences. Avoid that; it's redundant.

*Star*


*Reading*You have a good idea behind this. All you need to do is fix the narration and polish the piece. This extends an important message to people, especially to parents and teenagers, so I urge you to edit this piece because I know this has the potential to become a really great story.


Keep writing and God bless,
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
86
86
Review of Her Last Duty  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello kiyasama!


*Reading*I've been deeply moved by this story. It's no lie that tears actually welled up in my eyes when I read the last line—it was so sad, and yet so happy ... it's one of mixed emotions, and I congratulate you for writing such an effective piece and being able to play with the emotions of your characters.

I only have two suggestions:

*Bullet*Consider omitting -- echo incessantly in my tired mind. and replacing the dash in How I bled in my solitude, listening to your harsh words -- with a period. I felt that this is the only part which is a little awkward.
*Bullet*As I have suggested before, use the M-dash instead of the n-dash (the one you are using now).

*Reading*Beautiful piece, Kiya. Very moving, with great use of imagery and good play of emotions. Thank you for sharing this with us.

God bless you *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
87
87
Review of Gray Rain  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello kiyasama!


*Reading*What an interesting poem! By using WritingML, you immediately intrigued me. I also liked the mystery that seems to shroud this piece. This aura was brought on by your use of descriptive words.

The color grey is very apt to the message in this piece. Kind fo dreary, mysterious, etc. Good job.

Suggestions:
*Bullet*In the line Lightening flashes, thunder rolls, consider changing the word lightening to just lighting, because the meaning of the former is to 'give of flashes of light', and since you akready used 'flashes', then I think the latter would be more apt.
*Bullet*In the line Down it pours like a painter’s rage -- no end in sight, replace the two dashes you made with one M-dash. It has the ASCII code of ALT + 0151; it's longer than an m-dash (the one you used). Also, do not put any space before or after it.


Write on!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
88
88
Review of The Caged Bird  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello kiyasama!


*Reading*I liked some of the wordplay in this piece. You also told a story, and felt connected with the character you presented.

But again, I felt that as I continued to read, it became more like prose than poetry because of the following reasons:

*Bullet*Some lines were too long.
*Bullet*Some desriptions were too literal for my taste. (This is more like a personal preference)
*Bullet*The thought is continuous during several lines (no breaks).

My suggestion is for you to shorten some of the lines, especially those ones in the latter part of the poem. Because of its length, it read a little awkwardly. Also, try not to carry over one thought of a line into the next one too many times.

But overall, I enjoyed reading this piece. Thank you for sharing it with us. *Smile*


God bless you!

Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
89
89
Review of Adversity  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello kiyasama!


*Reading*You have a good idea behind this poem. You conveyed a story considered by many (if not all) as a cliché, but managed to make it into something new. You did it through good word choices. The main example of that is the last verse, which also happens to be my favorite part of the whole piece. *Smile*

Suggestions:
*Bullet*In the second line of the last verse, consider changing the color yellow with grey, for it matches 'white' more.
*Bullet*The reason why I didn't rate this higher is because of how you wrote each verse like one sentence (without breaks) except the last verse. Consider breaking the thoughts in each line because the way it is now made me read this like prose.


Keep writing!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
90
90
Review of Pain  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Ashley Campos !


*Reading*I enjoyed myself reading your poem. It was very entertaining. At first, I wasn't sure what it was about, but I soon realized what subject you are heading to. I especially liked how you took something considered by most as a cliché (running in a race), took it, and then turned it into something new. Good job. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:
*Bullet*Seeing seconds tick away like your energy. - I felt that this was a good line, except that it sort of lost its effectiveness because it was too long. The words 'like your energy' took it away; they weren't really needed in the line and it would be a good idea to omit them. Remember—sometimes, less is more.
*Bullet*And the Pain is momentarily. Consider rephrasing this a bit to make it read better, as well as end the poem in such a way as to leave a resounding image in the readers' mind. Here is my suggestion:
And the Pain is but momentary.

My Favorite Part:
Here’s the white line,
Feel the surge of Hermes rush through your veins
And know that the cheering is for you.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
91
91
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello edmond530 !


*Reading*This is a powerful poem. You definitely conveyed the message you wanted us to read and know about, and I commend you for writing a poem with this as a subject matter.

When I read the last line of the first verse, I was really surprised. I had no idea you were going to tackle these kind of issues, but that made it more effective in my opinion. It was like the words suddenly jumped out of the screen and hit me—it was really good how it came to life.

I liked the rhyme scheme you devised in the first, second, and last stanza. The third, fourth, and fith verses didn't have the same effective rhyme scheme, though; consider using different words to end some lines so the rhythm would still be kept, as well as the rhyme.

My favorite part, as you might have already guessed, was the first stanza. It was a very effective opening, and I liked the wordplay there.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Keep writing and God bless!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
92
92
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Chinese Democracy !


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is the review of your item "Full House, Empty Tummy" .

Positive Point(s):
*Bullet*Some parts were funny, and made me smile.
*Bullet*I must say that this is an original idea. I mean, a toothpaste being the source of all evil? Oh, wait ... there's the water as well. *Laugh*
*Bullet*I really like how you opened the story with a different character.
*Bullet*The descriptions in the first scene was good and made me paint a vivid picture of the scene.

Negative Point(s):
*Bullet*Some parts went by too quickly. There were no definite partition of one scene from another (in the part of the Olsen Twins' story).
*Bullet*I don't know if this is a negative, but the main story is a little absurd. *Laugh* Some of the parts were just so over-the-top, but I guess some people will appreciate this. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation/Narration/Suggestion(s):
*Bullet*When using ellipses (...) and it is sandwiched between two words, always add a space before and after it.
*Bullet*There were only minor errors, such as placing a comma where it is not needed, or vice versa. A casual reader has a good chance of not catching it, but all the same, a reread would be good.
*Bullet*Instead of using capital words to stress a dialogue/ word(s)/thought, italicize it instead. You can know how to do this on the site by clicking the Site Tools pull-down menu at the left corner of the computer screen and choosing WRITINGML help. I think it's under the basic tags.

*Reading*This could definitely be made better by paying more attention to scene division. You could also develop the plot more so as not to appear 'too much' and 'surreal'. If that is what you are going for, though, then be my guest and not change a thing. *Smile*


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
93
93
Review of Tommy's Rainbow  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello kiyasama!


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is the review of your item "Tommy's Rainbow" .

Positive Point(s):
*Bullet*I like the subtlety of how you inderted the information about the status of living Tommy and his family has. It makes the readers understand the characters and get into the story fully.
*Bullet*The imagery is excellent! I really enjoyed reading your descriptions about the forest, the surroundings, the Man at the End of the Rainbow and the fairies. All painted such a wonderful picture in my mind that I found myself smiling as I read it. *Smile*
*Bullet*Tommy is the typical child. I believe that you painted a realistic lead character.
*Bullet*The image at the top immediately interests the readers and add something 'extra' to the story.

Negative Point(s):
*Bullet*The only downside I found (and it's not really that major) was the way the story was started. The opening dialogue was effective, but I felt that you hurried the narration a little in the first paragraph. I know this is a children's story but I would have liked a little descriptionof Tommy yawning at first, or something to that effect.

Grammar/Punctuation/Narration/Suggestion(s):
*Bullet*I am no expert when it comes to grammar and punctuation, but I did my best in looking for things/parts that might need some attention or could become better. Please use any or none of my suggestions; I hope they help you. *Smile*

*Star*


“Wake up, Tommy! It’s time to get your breakfast before it gets cold!” - I think the word 'eat' would be better instead of 'get' (It's time to get/eat your breakfast...)

The sky was as blue as the ocean that Tommy sometimes saw in picture books (he had never been to the ocean before and longed to go someday), the clouds extra fluffy and white as snow. - Consider inserting the comma after 'books' and not after the words enclosed in the parentheses; it would be better, in fact, if you remove the parentheses all together and reposition the thought inside it. Or, you could also remove it since it doesn't seem to have any relevance to the story. This is what I mean:
The sky was as blue as the ocean that Tommy sometimes saw in picture books, the clouds extra fluffy and white as snow. He had never been to the ocean before and longed to go someday. - This could be omitted.

Where was the stray black dog, who Tommy had secretly named ‘Spot’ because of the small white spot on its nose, the one who always walked with him to school? - I omitted the comma and added a few words because it makes the thought more complete, as well as the sentence easier to read.

A lonely tear slid down his cheek as he thought of her warm smile, her hugs and her kisses.

*Bullet*When using ellipses (and it is sandwiched between two words), always put a space before and after it. For example: “Hey … how did you know my name? Where am I?” Tommy asked quickly.

*Bullet*Refrain from using 'and' as the starting word for a sentence. It connects thoughts and should be inserted between phrases/sentences.

He heard a familiar sound and jumped out of bed, and then ran to the window to peer outside in excitement.

*Bullet*This really doesn't count, but I thought I'd point out that you misspelled niece in the note you added at the bottom of the story.

*Star*


*Reading*This is a really entertaining and enjoyable story. But most importantly, it has a lesson. I commend you for writing such an effective piece for children. Thank you for bringing this to my forum and sharing it with us!

Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
94
94
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello kiyasama!


*Reading*This is indeed a very yummy collection! Each image looks very tempting; I love the way how those cakes are captured in film! I especially liked the one with the baby—that was really cute.

The introduction was also inviting, and that might urge WDC members to buy from this collection. I don't have a need for cNotes right now, but I will add this to my favorites for future use. *Smile*


Keep up the good work and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
95
95
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Zach!


*Reading*I was just browsing your port and I noticed that you added a new item, so I thought that I might as well check it out and review.

I liked this. Kind of sad, but really good. The last two lines ended the poem really well; if this can be translated audibly, you finished the poem with a 'bang' (for the lack of a better word *Bigsmile*).

My favorite part of the poem is the second line. I liked the wordplay there.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium
96
96
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Tyronte !


*Reading*Thank you for posting in "Invalid Item" . Here is the review of your short story "Cariza: Last Full Moon" 

Grammar/Punctuation/Narration:
*Bullet*There were grammatical/punctuation errors. I took the liberty and copied down parts of your original story, adding my own revisions/suggestions; I hope you don't mind. Please use any or none of them. *Smile*

*Star*


It's approaching 11:00 pm. - This opening sentence is flat. Try to use imagery that will hook the readers when starting a story, for that will determine whether they will or will not read on. Also, you used the present tense here, when it the next sentence you used the past tense. Avoid shifting. Here is my suggestion:
The sky was blanketed by darkness when the clock stuck eleven that night.

Cariza knew it was almost that time.

This wasn't even a mission.; It was a personal vendetta.

It's the way of her people to defeat their enemies in battle fair without any help. - This line seemed too dramatic. Consider rephrasing.

Cariza would either enjoy a glorious victory or a defeat, the latter including an and most likely, an honorable, slow, and painful, death.

"If I lose tonight, she'll probable saw my head off" Cariza mumbled. - There was no period after the dialogue, and the word 'probably' was misspelled.

Bow, arrows, quiver, ax, the special spear that Penny gave her, her twin knives, hair pins, face paint, and last but not least, her new costume. Cariza went to the window and dropped it to the ground two stories below two stories.

Now, there was something she wanted to do before she snuck off. Although a voice in her head said I it was a bad idea. Angelina already hated her guts. - I'm sorry, but it seems like you're trying too hard to make this sound serious, when the narration/dialogue make it seem like child's play. Also, this is a little confusing. Who is Angelina? I am under the impression that the character here is Cariza. Another thing: you don't give us enough information. Don't dump the info, but tell the readers the basics—enough for them to know what's going on.

*Bullet*I will not point out every shifting tense I find; I trust that with a reread, you can edit them yourself.

Cariza closed the slide-door closed and locked it.

*Bullet*Pay attention to punctuation marks, especially commas and semi-colons. They help in making the sentences clear.

At times like these Cariza felt so depressed. It seemed like every time she'll get something figured out and then she'll try to express it to someone but she can't. It frustrated her. - Aren't they suppose to be doing something more important? Romantic tensions here are misplaced; it's better if you write this later. Also, you need to look at this sentence and figure out what part needs a punctuation mark and what needs to be omitted.

*Bullet*You drop names without giving enough character information, and when you do, it's like I'm reading a dossier. Refrain on that. Your job is to make the readers care about your characters, so don't merely 'tell' us who they are—'show' us.

He was making her hot just by staring at her like that. -Alright, this is just too immature. I'm sorry for the wording and I don't mean to offend, but there are certain ways you can express this without it sounding like it was straight out of a teenage novel. Why don't you describe the emotions stirring inside Cariza with more than one word? That will let the reader inside her mind and heart and will make her character effective.

*Bullet*I'm confused again. After making the impression that this is more of an adventure story, you turn and write a romantic one. Of course, you can merge the two genres, but you should know when to pursue the other in the right timing.

So she decided to head it off right then before she got herself seriously hurt again. - What do you mean by the colored words?

*Bullet*It was a little shocking to read their sudden decalrations of love. There is no background information. Work on making it realistic.

Cariza wiped a tear off her eye of a tear but acted, acting like she had something in her eye lashes. She stood there for a minuet staring at them for a minute, not knowing what to say till finally she faked a yawn and said, "Um tThanks for the jeans. I'm going to bed."

*Bullet*You didn't do a good job of ending the first scene. Again, you jumped from talking about emotional attachments to their task at hand, which can confuse the readers.

*Bullet*Who is Xyn? Again, no proper character intriduction or history.

*Bullet*Watch out for misspelled words.

"Ah shoot, now where'd she go?" I whispered to myself. - Sudden change in the POV. Stick to only one, which in this case is third person.

*Bullet*The narration of the action scenes aren't effective. The way you detailed the action sequences are a little robotic, kind of like this: She kicked me in the shin. I fall. She charge after me again. These are not your words, but I just want to tell you how it presents itself. Also, since you narrated this using first person, most of the details aren't effectively conveyed, using informal and even casual language.

*Bullet*In action scenes, dialogue isn't an option. You can't do both at the same time unless the action is over. If a fight is still going on, do not insert dialogue.

*I didn't point out every error I noticed, whether it be in the grammar area or a punctuation err. I did that because I also want you to try and spot them yourself.*

*Star*


Suggestions:
*Bullet*Reread this, pick out the errors and edit. Polish, polish, polish!
*Bullet*When using ellipses and it's sandwiched between two words, always put a space before and after it.
*Bullet*Italicize the characters' thoughts; it will distinct them from narration and dialogue.
*Bullet*Build effective characters. To tell you the truth, I don't even know who Xyn is, or her connection to Augma. What is Augma, anyway? Why are the characters even together? The main problem of this story is that it lacks directive—you didn't tell me, as the reader, what is really going on. That includes background information.

*Reading*I can tell that you have a fairly good idea for this story. You just need to work on narration; remember, show us, and not merely tell.



Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
97
97
Review of CANDLELIGHTS  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello spybill !


*Reading*I really enjoyed reading this poem. I love the sight of a burning candle in the dark, throwing its countenance all over the room. You did great in the field of wordplay and flow, for the former was effective and the latter smooth and easy.

My Favorite Part:
Reflection in eyes like fire in a mirror

*Reading*You conveyed a beautiful message as well; you did a good job in writing this. The only suggestion I have for you is nto about the poem, though, but how it was presented: you might want to delete all the extra space after the poem because it's really not necessary.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
98
98
Review of Crimson Tears  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Andante !


*Reading*This was a really nice poem; I enjoyed reading it. The picture you presented was vivid. I have a few suggestions, though:

*Bullet*When using ellipses and it is sandwiched between words, always put a space before and after it.
*Bullet*Try not to overuse the exclamtion point; it attracts great attention and it is not advisable to always use it.

My Favorite Part:
to fear enmeshed with last breath's hiss
and grief entwined with Death's chill kiss,


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
99
99
Review of A Mountain View  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Sage !


*Reading*What a cleverly written and arranged piece! At first glance, I was immediately awed by your presentation; the WritingML you used was just right—not too much or too little.

On my first reading, I was still so fixated on the shape of the poem that I didn't internalize the message, but on the second reading I was even more awed by your wordplay. I was touched deeply by the message; it even made my mind wander into the mountains you wrote and conjure up a whole different story. *Smile* You wrote powerful words here, Sage!

I love the imagery, the wordplay, the rhythm and the rhyme. I know, I'm gushing, but this piece is certainly well-deserved to be a winner. *Bigsmile*

Favorite Part:
On this mountain where man lived,
Of good and bad with lives to give,

*Reading*I have no suggestions for you ... in my opinion, this piece is as perfect as it is. The beauty of this poem is its subtleness; it lurks around the reader's mind for a moment before shocking her with all the truth it holds. Thank you for sharing this with us! You did a very good job in writing this. God bless. *Smile*


All the best,
Equilibrium

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"Invalid Item" 
100
100
Review of Dying  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Nati Chick !


*Reading*Yes! This is what I'm talking about! I absolutely loved the words you chose, the flow and the imagery you presented. This not only let my mind come up with different perceptions, but made my imagination work. Using angels in works like these can sometimes seem ordinary and even a cliché, but you actually too it and made it into something new. I'm proud of you! *Bigsmile*

A few suggestions:
*Bullet*Darnkess swallows all around
Darkness, not darnkess.
*Bullet*In the crowd one life is lost.
Adding a comma after crowd would be a good idea because it would pace the flow better. Also, I don't think this should end with a period because the next line seemed to continue the thought.
*Bullet*This world, this life an empty space.
Either add a comma or insert is after life.
*Bullet*Shallow, Shallow deep and dark.
I know you want to emphasize the word shallow, but it doesn't really sound too well. Maybe you could replace it with another word; here's my suggestion: Shallow lies, deep and dark. There's also a contradiction here. Shallow and dark are the opposites, so you might want to think about that as well.
*Bullet*My world, my face will leave no mark.
Add a comma after face.
*Bullet*Faces live and die for green
I am not really sure what you meant here. Does the color green stood for something?
*Bullet*Hurry quick get out of here,
Add commas after hurry and quick and omit the comma at the end.
*Bullet*Life, life above the head
This has the same case as the line with the word shallow.
*Bullet*Alone and cold the angel lead.
Add a comma after cold. Also, I think that the rhyming would be better if the last word was led.

My Favorite Part:
Darkness swallows all around,
Never there to hear the sound.

*Reading*Keep up the good work.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


338 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 14 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/equinox/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4