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101
101
Review of Cross the Line  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Nati Chick !


*Reading*As I read through your poetry, the main thing I noticed was that you tend to shy away from using figurative language. Now, I know that it might not be your style, but I still suggest for you to try your hand in creating a poem without directly telling the readers what is happening. Let them form their own conclusions and leave some for their imagination.

Now, for this piece, you did pretty well with the punctuation marks. I could see that now, you didn't confine yourself to using only the period. I'm not so sure about the rhyme at the last part, though—I felt the rhyme wasn't effective because there was no rhythm. Try counting the syllables when you write a poem to make an effective flow.


Keep exploring,
Equilibrium

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102
102
Review of I Could Be  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Nati Chick !


*Reading*In an honest opinion, I felt like this poem was just average. Its content was the usual, everyday message one could read—loving someone who doesn't love you back. Now, even if you do have this kind of subject, a writer could still set it apart from the norm by using vivd imagery that the readers could get into. Providing another perspective would also be a good idea; that's what makes the readers remember a certain work.

I can see that you have great potential and the foundation you have laid out was pretty solid, but what you should do is build an equally effective body to your base. You don't need to get ovrly descriptive or anything, but make sure your words flow well together and conveys a hard-hitting message. A writer's ability to grab something everyone is familiar with and making it seem like something new is what makes her great—just keep on creating poems, and I'm sure you'll do great. *Smile*



God bless you,
Equilibrium

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103
103
Review of Into You  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Nati Chick !


*Reading*This poem was very simple, but the message it conveyed was very raw and true. Such as the line I want you, this poem rang out with fresh feelings that I, as the reader, felt and understood.

Again, I suggest you to add punctuation marks and look at rhyme and rhythm. There were some parts that didn't flow quite that good, such as the last verse—I know you could do better.

Favorite Part:
I need you
My heart will make room


Write on!
Equilibrium

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104
104
Review of Sinking  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Nati Chick !


*Reading*I felt like this poem focused a little too much on death. I understand what you were trying to convey, but mentioning death once was enough; no need to use it several times on the poem. Another thing I noticed was that this piece jumped back and forth from being free-verse to rhyming. I suggest you decide which one to write and stick to it; because of the confusion in rhyme, the flow wasn't that smooth.

I found the imagery good, though. Breaking up is just like a sinking ship—you did a good job in creating the main 'aura' here.

Suggestion(s):
*Bullet*Experiment with punctuation marks; do not limit yourself to the period.
*Bullet*Take some time to read the piece aloud and work on rhyme and rhythm.

Favorite Part:
Maybe he will take my lead
But at least I know I tried.


Keep writing!
Equilibrium

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105
105
Review of Illusions of you  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Nati Chick !


*Reading*This was poem was a little sad, and I must say that you conveyed the emotion pretty well. Unfortunately, I think this is one of the poems that could easily be forgotten by the reader. I found some of the wordplay good but there's just something lacking. Maybe more imagery is needed; some of the descriptions were on the cliché side. The first two lines were really good, though—especially the opening line for it started the poem with a strong impression.

Suggestions:
*Bullet*Add more punctuation marks. It would help convey the emotion within the piece; try reading the poem aloud to make it easier for yout o spot what mark should go where.
*Bullet*In the line Just let me into you, I suggest for you to omit just because it made the line sound awkward and wasn't really needed.
*Bullet*In the line Your words they hurt too much, maybe you should omit they or add a comma after words.

Favorite Part:
Illusions of you need to fade
For I am fading fast

*Reading*I am not an expert on rhyme and rhythm, but I found that working within a certain syllabic count makes the flow of the piece better. Why don't you experiment on that area and try to write a poem with that in mind? It would certainly help you hone your skills in poetry writing.


Write on!
Equilibrium

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106
106
Review of Visions of valor  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Nati Chick !


*Reading*I really liked the imagery you presented here; the words you used conveyed all the right emotions the reader must feel in order to get involved with the narrator and the person she was describing. I felt like I, too, was there on the dance floor, watching couples in pastel colors dancing. Good job. *Thumbsup*

I have some suggestions, though. I noticed that most of your sentences were really short; because of that, the flow of thoughts wasn't that good. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty and copied your entire piece in my review, adding my suggestions along with it (the ones in green). I do not claim to be an expert on grammar/punctuation, but I hope that my suggestions would help you. Feel free to use any or none of them.

*Star*


         The mist over your field created a soliloquy in white like some wayward dream. The bittersweet rosebuds blossomed by the violet streams as something in that Gothic moment lingered in the shadow of silence that hung over the field. The dream floated out of sequence to another time—another place where life was easy. The boogie woogie jazz band played as the people danced spiritedly. The man upstairs smiled as he watched his patrons groove to the syncopated rhythm; his joy was multiplied by three, by four, by twenty dancing couples on the floor as they moved to the music. That’s when I saw you, dancing in the center like a square dancer to the boogie woogie music. Judging by the tensed jugular vein tensed and beaded with sweat, one would know you were in your zone. You were feeling not the music of the band but the music inside your head, for there was always music there inside of your head. But too soon, that music faded and left me standing in the isolated field with visions of valor in my head. Too soon, I would awaken and the visions would subside. You would be gone and I would be alone.

*Star*


*Star*Overall, I really liked the story you told. It was a little sad, but it left the reader feeling satisfied nonetheless. This is the kind of story you could build on and expand—but that choice is up to you.

Another suggestion I have is for you to categorize this under Prose.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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107
107
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello LeJenD' Looking Up !


*Reading*I rated this a perfect five stars because I really enjoyed this poem and I found no errors, nor do I have any suggestions on how it can be improved. You did a wonderful job of writing this; thank you very much for sharing this with the community!

The imagery you presented through magnificent wordplay was very satisfying; it made my thoughts wander. You absolutely trapped me inside the poem—and that's really good. *Smile* You involved me.

My Favorite Part(s):
Sweet is the breeze that blows
soft and gentle as a kiss.

And

Serene are the waters
of even the wildest of seas.

*Reading*It was a pleasure reading your work. Write on!


God bless you,
Equilibrium

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108
108
Review of Selfish  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

*Reading*This was an enjoyable piece to read; it makes one think. The way this poem was set-up, though, seemed to refer to a woman in a more ancient time, and I was surprised that you were referring this to your sister. I guess your words just shouldn't be taken that literraly. *Smile*

My Favorite Part:
A girl fed from a silver spoon
Spit it out, and nearly choked

*Bullet*I loved these lines. The imagery and wordplay you used were very effective. Good job. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:
*Bullet*In the line I life she knew could only bring, I think it should be A life she knew could only bring.
*Bullet*The meaning of the line It's set it stone this time wasn't that clear for me. Maybe you could rearrange or rephrase it to produce a clearer meaning.
*Bullet*In the line I knew the day I cryed, the underlined word should be cried.
*Bullet*In the line To live the life thats mine, add an apostrophe in the underlined word to make it that's.
*Bullet*You might want to add punctuation marks. It would convey the emotion of the piece stronger. You could read the poem aloud so you may know more easily what mark should go where.
*Bullet*Not all of the first word in every line need to be capitalized. If you add some punctuation marks, I also suggest for you to lower-case some of them in accordance to the marks.

*Reading*Overall, I liked the imagery you painted and the words you used. Keep writing and don't hesitate to share you work with us in the community.


God bless! *Smile*
Equilibrium

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109
109
Review of Brushstrokes  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello gypsy4evermore !


*Reading*I really liked how you incorporated the different colors into the poem; It painted such a beautiful scene in my mind. I think this piece was creatively done, and I commend you for writing it.

Suggestions:
*Bullet*In the line Soft silver linings, ‘ere greeting our beds, I don't see why 'ere' should be used. It threw me off a little and made the line sound awkward to me, so I suggest for you to just replace it with were. Also, remove the comma. It is not needed.
*Bullet*In the line Pinpricks of light, flicker night’s sky, it would read better like this: Pinpricks of light flicker across the night sky.
*Bullet*I think the last line should be Welcome the sun, farewell to the night.

*Star*These are only my suggestions, of course. Feel free to use any or none of them. *Smile*

My Favorite Part:
Peepholes to heaven, as we say goodnight.


Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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110
110
Review of Moonbeams  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello turtlemoon-dohi !

*Reading*First of all, a very warm welcome to you for joining this community. We are a friendly bunch and I hope you'll enjoy your stay in Writing.Com.

Now, about your poem. I must say that I really liked it; even though it was so short, your choice of wordplay made up for the length and captivated me. The flow was smooth without any bumps, the arrangement and construction of the piece making way for a comfortable and easy read. The imagery you put in was also great—all of the descriptions were effective and painted a vivid picture in my mind.

I don't know much about rhyme schemes but I liked how this one flowed. Each line kind of rolled off my tongue with ease—well done.

My only suggestion is for you to not end every line with a period. Experiment with different punctuation marks; for me, the most effective way to add marks is to first read the piece aloud so you may know when to stop, etc. In my opinion, punctuation marks could also help convey the emotion within the poem, so it's very important.

I hope my review helped you in some way. I really enjoyed this piece and hope you continue writing and sharing your pieces with us. God bless!

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111
111
Review of Breaking Away  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Eden !

*Reading*Again, an exceptional piece. I really liked how you arranged the words; it made the flow very smooth and enabled for the reader to have an easy read.

I think you have the creative ability to put certain words together to capture the imagination of the readers; you paint different scenes in each one of your poems but the connection, likeability and wow factor were all there.

Do you know "Invalid Item? You should consider joining; I really like how you write. *Smile*


God bless!
Equilibrium

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112
112
Review of Spirit of You  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Eden !

*Reading*This was nicely done! The message captured me and made me feel for the narrator. There was connection between the piece and the reader, and I think that's one of the factors that made me enjoy reading this so much.

The wordplay was good. Though simple, it had weight and spoke volumes. I even created a whole story in my head as I was reading this; the piece was thought-provoking and let the imagination of its readers fly and explore.

Suggestion:{c}
*Bullet*I noticed that you didn't really use punctuation marks. In my opinion, it's important so the emotion in the poem could be conveyed in the right aura and volume; it also sets the mood especially if the piece is read aloud. Maybe you should read this out loud so you could know what mark should go where easily.

Favorite Part:
I'm crying out
Do you hear me?
I'm sinking
Will you save me?

*Bullet*The flow here was really nice. These were the lines that really stuck to me and caught my attention.



Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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113
113
Review of Shimmering Silver  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Eden !

*Reading*This was a really enjoyable read. I'm glad I decided to look into the Plug Page and r/r something. Alright, here's what I think about this:

Good Points:
*Bullet*The wordplay was really, really good. Your choices really fueled the imagination of the readers and took them into the piece.
*Bullet*I liked the general rhyme scheme you devised. I don't know much about the mechanics of rhyming poems, but I liked how you constructed this.
*Bullet*The flow was smooth; it gave way for an easy and comfortable read.

Suggestions:
*Bullet*In the line Sacred is that which darkness falls?, I don't using using a question mark at the end is a good idea. It didn't present itself as a question but as a statement, and its meaning was a little unclear. You might want to rephrase this.
*Bullet*Add more punctuation marks such as commas, semi-colons, and even an M_dash here and there if you like. I advise you to read this piece aloud so you may know the flow of the words and what emotions each line conveys; that will help you in knowing which mark should go where.

My Favorite Part:
These were hands that held the world
Shaped its mountains, calmed its cold

and

Kiss the silence of the room
Embrace the elegance of its tune

*Bullet*I really liked the aura and mystery you presented here.

*Reading*Keep up the good work! I really liked this poem of yours, and I thank you for sharing it with us. God bless!

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114
114
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello The Shawnshank Redemption !

*Reading*This was a classic tale. I think a lot of people out there could relate to this experience of yours. This was definitely an entertaining read.

As a I was reading, I noticed some things that might require your attention. I took the liberty and also added my own suggestions as to how you may change it, though it's totally up to you if you want to take any of them or not. I do not profess to be an expert on grammar or punctuation but I hope that my suggestions would help even for a little bit. *Smile*

*Star*


Our scout troop would take monthly camping trips. Some of them were longer than others and this particular trip was going to be a three-night campout.
*Bullet*My suggestion is to merge the two sentences by replacing the period with a semi-colon.

We were going to be heading up north to a beautiful area called Sedona, Arizona and I was incredibly excited to go.
*Bullet*Remove be and replace heading with head.

The scout meeting before the trip, which I believe was on Wednesday, myself and a few other friends of mine were all huddled in some corner before the meeting had begun.
*Bullet*This was a little repetitive (before the meeting). You might want to rephrase this a bit.

“I wish someone would bring some porn on the trip,” the thicker, brown hair boy said.
*Bullet*brown-haired, not brown hair.

“Yeah…he keeps it behind his bed.”
*Bullet*You used an ellipsis here. When sandwiched between two words, always put a space before and after it.

“You wouldn’t be able to bring it with you, would you?” I nodded.
*Bullet*I was a little confused here. Was the dialogue was said by one of the other boys? If so, then I recommend for I nodded to be in a different paragraph. I also had the impression that it was supposed to be would and not wouldn't ... am I right?

It was about seven in the evening and as the caravan of cars, trucks, and vans made their way out of the parking lot I idly stroked the blue waterproof cover of my backpack.
*Bullet*Add a comma after evening and lot.

Near one in the morning we eventually find our way to where the camp was.
It was nearly one in the morning when we finally found our way to where the camp was.

Sitting back down into my bed I then realized that my two other friends and myself were sleeping in a good foot and a half of water.
*Bullet*Add a comma after bed.

I grabbed the magazines and shoved them into my sleeping bag, and rolling it up I began to wake my friends one by one.
*Bullet*The underlined words were a little awkward. You might want to rephrase it to something like:
I grabbed the magazines and shoved them into my sleeping bag, and as I rolled it up, I began to wake my friends one by one.

Within fifteen minutes the whole camp had been broken down and after we dumped our bags and other devices into the larger trailer that carried most of the bulk behind the Scout Master’s pickup truck, we were gone.
*Bullet*This seemed a little long to me. This could be devided to create a better flow:
Within fifteen minutes the whole camp had been broken down. After we dumped our bags and other devices into the larger trailer that carried most of the bulk behind the Scout Master’s pickup truck, we were gone.

Opening the back gate of the SUV she shoved my stuff into it and then got in the driver’s side.
*Bullet*Add a comma after SUV.

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about some adult magazines, would you?” I gulped.
*Bullet*I suggest for you to move I gulped to a new paragraph, with the dialogue “No, of course not.” following it.

“Oh no!” I had thought. In my haste to get out of the campsite tying up my sleeping bag had completely slipped my mind. I merely put the magazines in and then rolled the sleeping back, most likely thinking that I would retrieve it myself.
*Bullet*Since Oh no is only a thought, italicizing it would suffice; no need to enclose it in quotation marks. Also, add a comma after campsite.

I would deny that I had anything to do with it until I was safely at home and away from my Scout Master. I would then admit to my mother that I had been responsible for it, and that I had stolen it from my older brother, who was angrier about it than either of my parents.
I denied that I had anything to do with it until I was safely at home and away from my Scout Master. I then admitted to my mother that I was responsible for it, and that I had stolen it from my older brother who was angrier about it than either of my parents.

In taking responsibility for my actions I was forced to sit in the front row, all the way to the left, right in front of the Scout Master as he lectured us about sullying ourselves with such trash.
*Bullet*Add a comma after actions.

It worked out alright in the end though.
*Bullet*Add a comma after end.

With that single moment of idiocy I single handedly guaranteed myself a spot in history for my scout troop. As the years passed newer members would come into the troop and I would hear...
*Bullet*Add a comma after idiocy and passed.

*Star*


*Reading*Overall, this was an enjoyable read with a valuable lesson at the end. Thank you for sharing this with us!


Keep writing and God bless,
Equilibrium

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115
115
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello!

I enjoyed reading this article. I think making your characters believable affects how your readers will like the whole story/novel. It can also influence them to read more, or stop after a few pages.

This piece is well-written and captured the important points a writer needs to know when creating a character(s). All of them are helpful and anyone can try using them, no matter what age or gender a person is.

Thank you for sharing this article with us; we all need a little reminder now and then of what it takes to create a truly great story. *Smile*

May God bless you!

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116
116
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again!

I was immediately drawn to this this folder of yours, for I always grab the chance to learn more about writing. Just as what the rating of this piece suggested, this article was most helpful and clearly explained the different POV's writers use, how it can be used, and when it must be used. You did a great job of detailing the most important points of the different POV's and I commend you on that.

Keep writing and God bless!

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117
117
Review of Dangerous Beauty  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello there!

*Reading*What a great poem ... I really enjoyed reading it. At first, I was intrigued by the title and description; it was beckoning me to open this item and read and I'm glad I heeded to its call. I rated it five stars because it was a great read from the first word to the last and you brought me into the 'dangerous beauty'of nature. *Bigsmile*

Part I Liked Best:
Morning dawned upon
frost covered fileds.

*Bullet*You immediately provided a good impression with your opening line.

This was indeed an enjoyable read. Keep writing;you have the talent. *Smile*


God bless,
Equilibrium

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118
118
Review of The Setting Sun  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

*Reading*This was a really interesting piece to read. You started it off great; you immediately captured my attention with your words and kept it.


*Gift1*Plot:
*Bullet*I do not know if you can say that this piece had a plot, but nevertheless, I enjoyed the story you told.

*Gift1*Reader's Connection:
*Bullet*I felt connected with the little girl. I saw what she went through in my mind's eye and I related to some of her experiences ... it was like watching a flashback of your own life.


*Gift1*Imagery:
*Bullet*You did very well in this area. The words you used to describe the scenes were very vibid and made it real easy for mr to picture it.


*Gift1*Setting:
*Bullet*I liked how you picked a park as the setting. It just seemed like the perfect place to just sit down and talk, or maybe look back in the past and reflect. Well done.


*Gift1*Grammar/Punctuation/Suggestions:
*Bullet*I took the liberty to list down some of the things I noticed in your piece. I hope you didn't mind that I also added my own suggestions. Feel free to use any or none of them—the decision is yours. *Smile*

Her blond pigtails bob up and down as she speaks, the words stumbling over one another like dominoes, as she excitedly tries to get them out.
Remove the second comma.

Her skin is pale and soft, and her cheeks were rosy with a light dusting of freckles across them and splattered also on her nose.

She is wearing a pale blue T-shirt, with a small yellowish stain at the bottom, and cut off jean shorts.
Remove the first comma.

We sit on a bench at the park, as she playfully kicks the dirt beneath us.
Remove the comma.
*Bullet*I found other sentences like this. My suggestion is for you to read your piece aloud and make note of its flow; most of the lines didn't need commas seperating them mainly because the though was continuous.

*Bullet*When using ellipses (...), al ways put a spce before and after it.



*Reading*The part which had a really great impact on me was when the woman looked back at her companion only to see that she has turned into a child again. I actually felt shudders, for it was like seeing yourself for the first time and realizing everything that has happened to you meant so much more than what you intially thought.

Overall, you did a really good job writing this. I salute you for taking the time to write a part of your life story and share it with us. Keep writing!


God bless,
Equilibrium

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119
119
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello deev23 !

*Reading*First of all, thank you for posting your work in "Invalid Item. I hope my review would be welcomed and could help you in some way.


Plot:
*Bullet*I don't think there was really a plot in this item since this seemed more like a tribute to your dog. This touched on how you got Ruff, the times you spent together and how he left you, so I think you did pretty well in laying out the right sequence of events to write about.


Narration:
*Bullet*The thing I noticed about your writing is that you 'told' us what happened and rarely 'showed' us the events. There were parts where you intruded in the narration by adding comments, and that halted my train of thought for a few seconds. I suggest for you to avoid using the 'be' adverb or just adverbs itself for it makes up a telling story.


Readers' Connection:
*Bullet*I really didn't feel that much connected to you or the puppy as I was reading the piece. Yes, I could picture the two of you and the times you spent together, but I really wasn't affected by the events that took place. Always make your readers feel for you—by using descriptiove words, you could make that happen.


Grammar/Punctuation/Suggestions:
*Bullet*I took the liberty to highlight some things I noticed in your work which I think could be improved. I am not an expert on grammar/punctuation, but I did my best to point some errors relating to the. Since these are only my opinions, you may or may not use any of them. *Smile* (The ones in red are the exact copy of your work. The lines in green are my explanations/thoughts while the ones in blue are the revision of the words in red.)

On 19 October 2002 a 5-month old puppy came home with me from the SPCA – a white & tan Maltese cross Jack Russell terrier. A week or two before I had been volunteering one Saturday at the kennels when this little dog captured my heart. The minute I picked him up and he put his head on my shoulder I knew he was the one.
On the 19th of October 2002, a 5-month old puppy came home with me from the SPCA—a white & tan Maltese cross Jack Russell terrier. A week or two before I had been volunteering one Saturday at the kennels when this little dog captured my heart; the minute I picked him up and he put his head on my shoulder, I knew he was the one.
I added the commas to make the paragraph flow better. I also replaced the dash with an M-dash (ALT + 0151); notice that I didn't put any space before or after it.

Sitting around my boyfriend’s living room with some friends the first night he came home, one after another shouting potential names.
Sitting around my boyfriend’s living room with some friends the first night he came home, one shout after another suggested potential names.

“Zeus!” “No, he doesn’t look like Zeus!” “Champagne!” I was leaning towards “Marmalade”. “Popcorn,” shouted someone else. Were we thinking of food names because we were having supper? Sitting at a beachside coffee shop one Sunday morning the nameless puppy let out an attempt at a ferocious bark “…rrruuufff…”. We named him Ruff. And so began a most special relationship between Ruff and I.
I felt that the thoughts in this paragraph were cluttered and disorganized. It also distracted me a little from what the narrator was saying. You could rearrange/replace/add onto the sentences a bit to produce a clearer meaning, like this:
{c:blue]“Zeus!” “No, he doesn’t look like Zeus!” “Champagne!” It was an entertaining debate, but I was leaning towards “Marmalade”. “Popcorn!” someone else shouted. Were we thinking of food names because we were having supper?

Sitting at a beachside coffee shop one Sunday morning, the nameless puppy let out an attempt at a ferocious bark. “…rrruuufff…”. We named him Ruff because of it, and so began a most special relationship between the two of us.

It was evident right from the start that this was a highly intelligent dog.
It was evident right from the start that he was a highly intelligent dog.
'This' should be replaced with 'he' since the dog had always been referred to as the latter.

It took him 3 or 4 lessons to learn that. I was impressed by how quickly he learnt and how obedient he was.
These two sentences are halting. The thought was stopped, and then continued, creating a distracting, slightly rough read. When you read back and you felt like the sentences are too short, you should combine them.
It took him 3 or 4 lessons to learn that, and I was impressed by how quickly he followed instructions and how obedient he was.

My housemate didn’t much appreciate her clothing ending up in the dirt and although I reprimanded him about it, I couldn’t help finding it amusing.
My housemate didn’t much appreciate her clothing ending up in the dirt, and although I reprimanded him about it, I couldn’t help finding it amusing.

As this was on a Saturday and I was unable to fetch him before 12h00, Ruff had no alternative but to spend the night at the kennels.
I think it should be '12:00' and not '12h00'.

However, the owners of the house always leave the driveway gates in front open and this was a problem.
It should be 'left' (in the past tense). I think adding 'the' between 'in' and 'front' would also be a good idea.

*Bullet*Always put a comma before writing a reference to a person. For example: As I looked to my left, he inadvertently crashed his elbow to my ribs.
*Bullet*I would suggest for you to write On August 16, 2002... instead of On 16 August 2002.... You could also use On the 16th of August, 2002....



*Reading*It was nice to read a story like this. Animals could get really attached to us, but as far as I could see you're doing well in coping with the loss of Ruff. I liked how you ended the piece, too—it was in a good note and tied the piece off perfectly.



Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium

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Review of Golden  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello!

*Reading*I must say that this was indeed well-written, with so much detail included in such a short amount of space. I must be honest, though, that I didn't fully 'get' what the story is trying to imply. I have an idea as to what it was about, but not entirely sure that I'm right.

A suggestion:
In the line "Love of my life, love of my life,”, I suggest for you to replace the second comma with an ellipsis. It would inject more emotion into the dialogue.

I congratulate you on the pretty awardicon this item is attached to. *Smile* Keep up the good work!

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Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello flogamocker !

*Reading*I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, so I gladly give it a perfect rating. You made me smile through your humorous words. *Smile*

I liked how you took the words and juggled them so well in their lines. The wordplay was very effective, resulting in a smooth flow. It was a very easy and enjoyable read.

My favorite part:
The butcher,
the baker,
the hot-coffee-maker,
the prurient-priest youthful-innocence-taker.

*Reading*I congratulate you on wriitng such a well-written poem. God bless!

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Review by Equilibrium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello J. A. Buxton !

*Reading*This was a really well-written piece; the wordplay and imagery youused within the story was very effective to the point that I felt there with the character, watching her eat the chocolates.

I only found a couple of lines that could be improved. I took the liberty to list them down for you with my suggestions; feel free to use any or none of them. *Smile*

Ready now for the next candy, she decided to try the one near the center of the box.
It would read better as Now ready for...

She sat on the chair beside the table simply staring at the two remaining candies.
The sentence would flow better like this:
She sat on the chair beside the table, simply staring at the two remaining candies.
or
She sat on the chair beside the table and simply stared at the two remaining candies.

*Star*I was left wanting for more after I finished reading the piece. For one, the word written in the note wasn't revealed and I was left wondering about it. To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea what it was, and would love to know. *Smile*

The image at the top was an added attraction to the piece, and as a reader, I could say that it was a plus factor for it added to the color and imagery in the piece.


Keep writing!
Equilibrium

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Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Redtowrite !

*Reading*The overall message of this piece was really valuable and makes one think of how he/she lives her/his life. I especially liked how you put everything into perspective in the ened, for it was simply put yet it still spoke volumes.

I think this could be made better, though. There were a parts that seemed a little rushed, such as when the narrator explained how she and Donnie met. The potential of storytelling wasn't expanded at its best, and I hope you could work on that.

Overall, this was a thought-provoking story. Thank you for sharing it with us. *Smile*

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Review of My Baby  
Review by Equilibrium
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello kiyasama!

*Reading*This is a wonderful piece! I found it a very enjoyable read, and you're right—just in time for Valentine's Day. *Heart*

*Smile*What I liked most about this was the way you arranged and constructed it. The flow was smooth because of your wise choice of words; they fit together really good and enables the readers to connect with the piece. My favorite lines are:
Eyes that burn and sear through my soul,
Seeing all that words could never say.


*Frown*I rated this a perfect five because I couldn't find any fault in it. Good job!

*Star*The image at the top was an added bonus to this poem. It was simple but creatively done, and a perfect partner to the piece. Congratulations on having this published! *Bigsmile*


Keep writing!
Equilibrium

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Review by Equilibrium
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey,

I think it's a great idea to do a glossary. Not everyone have knowledge about the mlitary, so this will certainly be helpful when it comes to understanding certain terms.

The outline of this piece is neat and easy on the eyes. The meaning of the terms are also clear.

You did a good job in listing down these terms. Keep writing!

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