Hello deev23 !
First of all, thank you for posting your work in "Invalid Item" . I hope my review would be welcomed and could help you in some way.
Plot:
I don't think there was really a plot in this item since this seemed more like a tribute to your dog. This touched on how you got Ruff, the times you spent together and how he left you, so I think you did pretty well in laying out the right sequence of events to write about.
Narration:
The thing I noticed about your writing is that you 'told' us what happened and rarely 'showed' us the events. There were parts where you intruded in the narration by adding comments, and that halted my train of thought for a few seconds. I suggest for you to avoid using the 'be' adverb or just adverbs itself for it makes up a telling story.
Readers' Connection:
I really didn't feel that much connected to you or the puppy as I was reading the piece. Yes, I could picture the two of you and the times you spent together, but I really wasn't affected by the events that took place. Always make your readers feel for you—by using descriptiove words, you could make that happen.
Grammar/Punctuation/Suggestions:
I took the liberty to highlight some things I noticed in your work which I think could be improved. I am not an expert on grammar/punctuation, but I did my best to point some errors relating to the. Since these are only my opinions, you may or may not use any of them. (The ones in red are the exact copy of your work. The lines in green are my explanations/thoughts while the ones in blue are the revision of the words in red.)
On 19 October 2002 a 5-month old puppy came home with me from the SPCA – a white & tan Maltese cross Jack Russell terrier. A week or two before I had been volunteering one Saturday at the kennels when this little dog captured my heart. The minute I picked him up and he put his head on my shoulder I knew he was the one.
On the 19th of October 2002, a 5-month old puppy came home with me from the SPCA—a white & tan Maltese cross Jack Russell terrier. A week or two before I had been volunteering one Saturday at the kennels when this little dog captured my heart; the minute I picked him up and he put his head on my shoulder, I knew he was the one.
I added the commas to make the paragraph flow better. I also replaced the dash with an M-dash (ALT + 0151); notice that I didn't put any space before or after it.
Sitting around my boyfriend’s living room with some friends the first night he came home, one after another shouting potential names.
Sitting around my boyfriend’s living room with some friends the first night he came home, one shout after another suggested potential names.
“Zeus!” “No, he doesn’t look like Zeus!” “Champagne!” I was leaning towards “Marmalade”. “Popcorn,” shouted someone else. Were we thinking of food names because we were having supper? Sitting at a beachside coffee shop one Sunday morning the nameless puppy let out an attempt at a ferocious bark “…rrruuufff…”. We named him Ruff. And so began a most special relationship between Ruff and I.
I felt that the thoughts in this paragraph were cluttered and disorganized. It also distracted me a little from what the narrator was saying. You could rearrange/replace/add onto the sentences a bit to produce a clearer meaning, like this:
{c:blue]“Zeus!” “No, he doesn’t look like Zeus!” “Champagne!” It was an entertaining debate, but I was leaning towards “Marmalade”. “Popcorn!” someone else shouted. Were we thinking of food names because we were having supper?
Sitting at a beachside coffee shop one Sunday morning, the nameless puppy let out an attempt at a ferocious bark. “…rrruuufff…”. We named him Ruff because of it, and so began a most special relationship between the two of us.
It was evident right from the start that this was a highly intelligent dog.
It was evident right from the start that he was a highly intelligent dog.
'This' should be replaced with 'he' since the dog had always been referred to as the latter.
It took him 3 or 4 lessons to learn that. I was impressed by how quickly he learnt and how obedient he was.
These two sentences are halting. The thought was stopped, and then continued, creating a distracting, slightly rough read. When you read back and you felt like the sentences are too short, you should combine them.
It took him 3 or 4 lessons to learn that, and I was impressed by how quickly he followed instructions and how obedient he was.
My housemate didn’t much appreciate her clothing ending up in the dirt and although I reprimanded him about it, I couldn’t help finding it amusing.
My housemate didn’t much appreciate her clothing ending up in the dirt, and although I reprimanded him about it, I couldn’t help finding it amusing.
As this was on a Saturday and I was unable to fetch him before 12h00, Ruff had no alternative but to spend the night at the kennels.
I think it should be '12:00' and not '12h00'.
However, the owners of the house always leave the driveway gates in front open and this was a problem.
It should be 'left' (in the past tense). I think adding 'the' between 'in' and 'front' would also be a good idea.
Always put a comma before writing a reference to a person. For example: As I looked to my left, he inadvertently crashed his elbow to my ribs.
I would suggest for you to write On August 16, 2002... instead of On 16 August 2002.... You could also use On the 16th of August, 2002....
It was nice to read a story like this. Animals could get really attached to us, but as far as I could see you're doing well in coping with the loss of Ruff. I liked how you ended the piece, too—it was in a good note and tied the piece off perfectly.
Keep writing and God bless!
Equilibrium
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