Your poem is good. I do have a few suggestions for you.
First off, I would take out the first line of your poem. I do not like the repetition within your first stanza. This line is fine throughout the rest of your poem. Just add an extra line so your stanzas are even.
Secondly, I do not like your title. I feel that it doesn't work as well as it should in connection with your poem. A title and its poem are hand in hand. The title says something about the poem as the poem says something about the title. I don't think the title fits your poem.
You have a good poem here. Some things need to be addressed.
In the third stanza, last line, "Should he, should he" should be written like this: "Should he? Should he?"
In the fourth stanza, fourth line, it should be "Can he? Can he?"
This is just my opinion but in the fifth stanza, ninth line, "Do it, do it" should have exclamation marks after them.
In the last stanza, second to last line, "One is missing, the symbol." The "symbol" is kind of ambiguous and out of place. What meaning are you trying to portray by "the symbol." You mention a "symbol" which is draped over the coffin. Is that the same symbol?
You repeat the word "he" about twelve times within your poem. I would take some of these out of your poem. The use of so many "he's" is quite redundant.
You have a good poem here. I have some suggestions for you.
Some of your lines don't rhyme exactly. I would stick to one single rhyming pattern. The slant rhyme messes up the flow of your poem.
This line is kind of confusing, "But those who feel they’re getting any"
You also use a lot of "and's" in your poem. I would suggest taking some of these out or finding another conjunction. All of the "and's" becomes a little redundant after a while.
In the first line of the first stanza, there is a typo, the line should read, "Warmth wraps it[s] arms about me, warning off the winter chill[.]"
In the second line of the same stanza, "it's" should be "its."
The next line should read like this, "Burdens drift away[.] [T]he rocking rhythm calms my inner soul."
The fourth line, "[L]eaning back in my seat I smile in my own piece of heaven."
In the second stanza, first line, "liter" should be "litter."
Second line should read, "The captain[']s seat is taken[.] [M]y happy husband fills his role."
In the third line, "victims" should be "victim's" There should also be a comma after fate. The next line is a dependent clause.
I am not going to fix every little punctuation error for you. Proofread before you post. Copy and paste your poem into a word processor. If you don't have one, read your poem out loud. You will catch things you missed while reading your poem silently.
"Tell tale" should be "telltale."
You have a good poem here, but because of the numerous punctuation errors which occur in just about every line I will be giving you a low rating. Proofread before you post!!!!!!
I like the internal rhyme of this prose. I believe this is prose because it is not necessarily organized like a poem. Your piece consists of longer flowing lines. It is almost Whitman-like. However, Whitman's prose do not rhyme. Yours rhymes internally and irregularly at the end.
I like how you rotate the internal rhyme. My only suggestion to you would be to make the end rhyme constant.
The combination of the internal rhyme and the imagery make this a good poem.
Your poem is pretty good. I like the imagery you use. Your poem is very sonnet-like. I do have a few suggestions for you. I would suggest not eliminating words to stick to a meter or rhythm.
These lines would read much better like this, "Allow me [to] take a knee before thee" and "Allow me [to] gently press my lip" and so on and so forth.
In the first stanza, third line, the line should read, "I’d fail to but say ‘[I] adore thee’." You may also want to flip flop "to" and "but" so it read, "I'd fail but to say..." This is entirely up to you. Another suggestion would be to put a comma after "I'd fail." You may want to clean up that line a little bit.
I am not entirely sure what this line means: "and threaten virtues to devour." I can sense what you are trying to say but the wording is a little different.
The last line of your poem sums up your entire poem. Well done. This line is very poetic.
Your poem reminds me of medieval and Renaissance poetry. Not many people can write like this and I think it is a dying style. Poetry from these periods are very romantic and when someone takes away the style of this type of poem, it loses the ability to pull at the emotional chords of the reader.
You have a great start. I am not sure if the first line is supposed to be indented. Your poem is quite abstract. You just need to keep going with it. Give the reader more to hang onto. Develop your ideas into a longer unraveling poem. What may seem to not work with your poem may actually work if you develop a theme and your ideas more.
You have a good start to your poem. There are many things that need to be addressed.
First off, your poem has an irregular rhyme scheme.
I'm not sure what this line means, "People go about from one day to the"
Refine your poem. Take out the fluff.
If you read your poem out loud you should be able to catch what I am saying.
You repeat derivatives of "die" and "lie."
Your poem is quite long. I think you can make it shorter without losing meaning.
Some of your lines are very short, and some of them are long. I think you can make the shorter lines into longer lines.
A poem that contains longer lines usually has lines that unravel. I think that you are putting too much emphasis on these shorter lines. Make them into longer lines. This is what punctuation is for.
Overall, I did like your poem but it was too long winded and the construction through me off.
I think your poem is pretty good. It's short and to the point. I think the organization of your poem throws the read off a little. I would not put spaces between your lines and I would divide your poem up into two stanzas. I usually don't care for shorter poems with shorter lines because they usually do not pack a punch like the poems which are longer and have unraveling lines. Yours I'm okay with. It has a beginning, middle, and an end.
You have a good poem here, but there are some things that need to be addressed.
In the third stanza, the third line should read, "Sometimes [it] is hard to find it."
In the second stanza, "storm" is singular. But in the third stanza "storms" is plural. I would stick to having them both be singular or both be plural. This is incongruent.
In the fourth stanza, "thunders" should be "thunder's."
In the fifth stanza, I think you should put an "It" in the beginning of the line. The line is kind of ambiguous and it is difficult to figure out what you are referring to.
Overall, I liked your poem. I love the imagery you use. I have a thing for poems about the sea or seafarers.
You have a good poem here. I saw only a few problems.
Some of the wording is off in your poem. I knew this was to keep the flow. Here is one line:
"Its so important our children to teach." This line kind of throws off the reader a bit.
For most of the first lines of each stanza there needs to be a comma, not a period. I would suggest reading your poem out loud. You will catch where there needs to be a comma and where there needs to be a period.
My last suggestion would be to keep the poem completely original. I would take out the last stanza of your poem and write your own conclusion that ties up everything in your poem. Or, you can keep this two lines, and add another two lines for your own conclusion.
You have a great start to your poem but there are a few things that need to be addresses.
First off, your rhyme scheme is off. The first stanza has a different rhyme scheme than the rest of your poem. This should be an easy fix. This is the original:
"A bird with feathers of shining gold
perched upon a branch,
It stood there watching, noble and bold,
and sung a melody."
It would read better like this:
"Perched upon a branch,
A bird with feathers of shining gold
It stood there watching,
Singing a melody, noble and bold."
Or something like that. I will not change your words.
In the second stanza, there should be a comma after "memories."
In the third stanza I would not repeat the word "bold."
My last suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. The rhyme holds your poem together well. (Except for the first stanza.) There are some flow issues in your poem. If you read your poem out loud you will catch these issues. This will help even out the flow of your poem.
I like the imagery you use. These are two great lines, "I remember what the bird is called-- / though it hasn't any name."
If you take my suggestions into consideration, I think you will have a great poem.
You have a good start to your poem. I like the imagery you use. However, your poem needs to be longer. You just started to draw the reader in, and then your poem ended. I want more. I want more emotion and more to hang onto. I feel like this is only a portion of a longer poem. Everything you need for a good poem is here, but there is not enough there to fully pull at the emotional chords of the reader. I feel as though you have stopped short. There is not enough there for the reader to fully understand the "Portrait of a Woman."
You have an interesting poem here. I feel as though I have not read one with this theme before. I have read a lot of poetry like this but none with your theme.
I would suggest reading your poem out loud. There are some flow issues. All that is necessary for this is the placement of a few commas and periods. You will see this when you read your poem out loud.
In the second stanza, you need a comma after the first line.
In the last stanza, "Haunted, cursed, it all boils down to" sounds odd. This line would sound much better if you took out the "to."
I like how terse your poem is. Straight and to the point. I can sense the tension in "fight" or "flight" mode with this poem. I do have a few suggestions for you. I would put a space between "Fight/Flight" and the rest of your poem. I would also make those words bold. This will make the organization of your poem a little better, I believe. Also, in the first stanza of your poem, in the last line, "vistory" should be "victory." This may have been just a typo.
Your poem is pretty good. I like the imagery you use. Your poem is quite short, however. I would suggest making it longer. With the shortness of your poem you kind of leave the reader hanging and want more. Your poem just starts to pick up and then it ends. I like the last two lines of your poem, but I think much more can be said before that. With the diction you use, you have a great start to your poem.
You have a good start to your poem here. I think that there are some things that need to be clarified. Here are the lines:
"Holding on from knee to knee and toe to toe."
"a knee reaches for the ground"
I'm not sure what these lines mean.
"Eyes are still glaring at the exit." I did not know that the person's eyes were already "glaring at the exit."
You repeat the word "start" six times within your poem. I would suggest finding a word in likeness of meaning for that word.
Finally, your poem has an irregular rhyme scheme. I would suggest sticking to a regular rhyme scheme. The first and last stanzas have a different rhyme pattern than the middle three stanzas.
You have a good start to your poem. There is a lot of work that needs to be done. I like the imagery you use, but a lot of it seems out of context. Put it into context. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that you are writing in the first person. I would suggest making your poem more formal, thus making your poem more universal. Instead of your poem being I...I...I... it will make your poem more related to everyone. You repeat the word "I" about fifteen times within your poem.
I would also recommend reading your poem out loud. There are some significant flow issues with your poem. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these issues.
You have a good start to your poem here. The rhyme holds your poem together quite well but some of it seems forced. I like the imagery you use.
The last lines of the first and third stanzas need a little work. The flow is off in them along with the rhyme. I think that the rhyme seems off in these lines because the flow is off.
In the first stanza you may want to change the last line to read like this, "Miraculously, He [would] soon [be] done." The "H" in "he" should also be capitalized.
In the third stanza you may want to change the line to read, "I leave it to you, to [for]ever revere." This makes the flow a little better.
In the fourth stanza, I don't know if this was a typo or not, but "devote" would read better and rhyme better as "devout."
In the last stanza, the last line would flow better and give the reader a fiercer punch if the line read like this, "We love to adore and [then] to destroy." This is entirely up to you if you want to change this.
I would strongly recommend taking the previous suggestions into consideration. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these flow issues. The flow with the last lines of the first and third stanza do not seem up to par with the rest of the lines.
Well done. I do have one suggestion for you. The repetition you use is placed irregularly within your poem. In the second stanza, I would separate the repetition from the stanza and keep it as is. I would then add two more lines to the seventh stanza. This is just a suggestion.
You have a good start to your poem here. I like the imagery you use. I did see a few problems, however. In the third stanza, last line, "moulded" should be "molded." In the fourth stanza, last line, "flew" should be "flown." I am also not sure why all of your stanzas are four lines long but of the fourth one. I would also suggest reading your poem out loud. There are some flow issues. Reading your poem out loud will also allow you to catch things you missed while reading your poem silently.
There is way too much repetition in your poem. Your poem actually consists of eight lines instead of sixteen. You ask way too many questions in your poem. This distracts the reader. Your poem is half meat half fluff. I would suggest taking out at least one of the lines that repeats itself in each stanza.
Your poem is pretty good but I think that the words you use to rhyme are a bit cliched and forced at times. I could tell what the next line was going to be just by the rhyme of the word before it. The content of your poem is good, but I think you just need to work on your word choice. I like rhyme because it is an easy way to hold a poem together. However, there is a point where the rhyming can dumb down a poem. It lets the reader know what is going to happen before it happens. You want to keep the reader guessing on what is going to come next.
Your poem is pretty good. I think it reads more like prose though with the longer lines.
I don't think you need to repeat the first line of your poem in the last of the first stanza. You repeat this again in the last line of the second stanza.
The problems I see are with the content of your poem and with the organization. I think your poem would be much better if you went more into "hate" than repeating what you have already said. There is no problem with your theme. The more meat you have in a poem, the more you leave the reader with something to hang onto. The reader only gets a portion of the meaning of the word hate. Then you go into what you are going to do. I don't feel there is enough leading up to this.
Your poem is quite good. I really have only one suggestion for you and that is to take out the "(For all the mothers)." Or at least put it in the beginning of your poem. It seems out of place there. I like how you organized your poem.
Sincerely,
Tevye T. Garland
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