Not too bad for only fifty five words. I do have some suggestions.
With the very first line, I would not put a colon after "color." I would put a period. This is entirely up to you, however. I would also put an exclamation mark after "day." This will add flare.
"Chitchat" is only one word.
It should be "the girl and [me]."
For the last line of your piece, I am not sure if you "feel asleep" or "fell asleep." I think this may have been a typo.
"Feel asleep" makes no sense with the rest of this line.
If you meant "fell asleep," I found that there is still no connection between the salon being slow and the speaker falling asleep. This last line is also worded a bit oddly.
You have a good start to your poem. There are some issues that need to be addressed.
My first suggestion to you would be to correct your punctuation. You have missed periods and missed commas. You also have incorrect punctuation. This is present throughout your poem.
The wording is very odd in the second stanza. I would reword those lines.
The last line of the third stanza seems out of context. You may want to set up more of a premise for this.
Also, with this last line, "Unchartered" should be "Uncharted."
I think that the quotation that starts in the third line in the the fourth stanza should end at the last line of that stanza.
In the last stanza of your poem, the quotation marks should be after the period, not before.
Overall, you have a good poem, but there are too many punctuation errors and the wording was bad in some areas. I did like the rhyme.
You have a good poem here. The rhyme holds your poem together well and helps with the flow. I do have some suggestions for you.
In the first line of the second stanza, you do not need a comma after "turn." You are putting a comma in the middle of an independent clause.
The second line of this stanza needs a period.
These two lines are also quite confusing. The contradict each other. "With the economy struggling, you’re able to turn, / To any employment and pay you might earn." Although the economy is struggling, one can still find any employment and pay? I think these would be limited. This may have just been a typo.
The third stanza, is one long sentence. I would try to make this flow a little more nicely with better wording. (The rhyme does help with the flow.)
I think you should put a semicolon instead of a comma in the second to last line of your poem.
Overall, with the punctuation and the wording you poem didn't flow as well as it should. If you read your poem out lout you should be able to catch the areas that need a little work.
You have a good poem here but it needs more action. You have a lot of description and imagery in your poem but very little action. I know you are describing something but make your poem come alive. Your poem is very static and lifeless. I would suggest adding more verbs.
Also, I think some of the flare is lost because the reader cannot actually see what you are describing. And the only way a reader can fully relate to your poem is the fact that the reader has to know what you are referring to. I am sure I have seen Monet's 'Water Lilies' but I cannot remember what the painting looks like. Thus being said, some of the interaction with your poem is lost. If the reader does not know what you are talking about, the poem loses meaning.
You have a good poem here. I have some suggestions for you.
The first issue I found with your poem is located within the title. "The Whale of aTale." There is no space between "a" and "Tale."
You do not need a comma after the fourth line of the first stanza.
I would not continue the last line of this stanza into the next stanza. This upsets the flow of your poem a little bit. and is a somewhat confusing.
In the third stanza, the fourth line does not need a comma at the end of it.
My last suggestion would be to read your poem out loud. I know the poem is written with a syllabic count but I believe there are some flow issues. I think this is mainly do to the line breaks and the punctuation you have used.
Your poem could be much better. I have found that I could not relate to your poem. This poem was written by the composer for the composer. It is a "therapy" poem. Poetry like this has a wall between the reader and the poem. This is here by default because the poem is not as universal as it should be.
The constant first person perspective is too "I" driven. It's too full of action and not enough reaction. It is as if you are literally talking to yourself and not the reader.
I used to write poetry like this. I found that no matter how much I edited or revised my poem it would never get better. The ratings stayed the same. In some cases the poem got even more messed up. There is not much a composer can do with a writing like this. I finally changed my style. My poetry would not go anywhere if I kept writing like this.
Your poem is good as a stand alone poem, but I felt that I could not dig deep enough into your poem to relate to it.
Your poem is alright. I think you can do much better. Here are a few suggestions. I call poetry with this style and theme "therapy" poetry. I did not coin this term. Poetry like this is written by the composer for the composer. Your poem is not as universal as it should be. The composer is talking about himself or her self. It is almost a biography.
A poem should be written with the composer knowing that an audience is going to read this poem from an outsider's perspective. A poem should not be written by the composer for therapeutic reasons. These poems are very self-indulgent and do not allow the reader into them. They are hard to relate to.
I would never start a poem with a question. I have found it to be quite amateur and an easy way to start a poem. These questions do not draw the reader in. It tricks the reader into answer the question and already the reader perceives that this poem will then be hard to follow.
You also use improper punctuation. The question mark in the first stanza should be at the end of the second line.
The first line of the third stanza does not need a comma at the end. Both lines form a complete sentence.
In the fourth stanza, there needs to be a comma after "please."
Some of the imagery you use is quite overdone along with the rhyme. In reading your poem, I could always tell what the next rhyme was going to be. Your rhyme was much too predictable.
I think you can dig deeper. A poem is supposed to have layers like an onion. There is only one layer to this poem.
Once again, I must urge you to watch your punctuation. You have punctuation where it is not needed, and there is improper punctuation where it is needed.
In the second stanza, the fourth line would read better like this, "Echoing all the life in [a] sincere, [and] silent rhyme. " I would most definitely put the word "a" after in.
The rhyme holds your poem together well despite the improper punctuation.
You have a good start to your poem. Here are a few suggestions.
In the first stanza, third line, there is no need for a comma.
In the second stanza, second line, "unbearably" should be "unbearable."
In the third stanza, first line, there is once again no need for a comma.
The second line of this stanza needs a period at the end, not a comma.
In the fourth stanza, fourth line, you need a period at the end. not a comma.
In the second to last line of the last stanza, I believe it would read better like this, "Time to take back, to fight, [to] leave, and [to] try." This way everything is equally distributed.
You ask twelve questions in a thirty line poem. This means that nearly half of your poem is in the form of questions. Asking too many questions distracts the reader. Asking a question makes the reader pause and think at the end of every one of them. I had to pause and think through nearly half of your poem. It makes the reader answer the questions and thus has to find his or her way back to your poem. The meaning of your poem gets lost with all of the asking of questions. I suggest not asking so many questions. A couple is alright but nearly half of a poem is not so good. The poem loses meaning.
Overall, I did like your poem and the imagery you use.
You have a pretty good poem here. I have some suggestions for you.
These three lines of your poem are a fragment and make no sense: "On a cold day, the blow of the candle-- / warmth in the restaurant that is stirred, / loving gaze, in our eyes goes the candle," I would like you to find the subject and verb in this fragment or fragments. There should be a period at the end of these lines also. The next line is a complete sentence.
The second line of the second stanza is also a fragment and makes no sense with the line before it.
In the fourth stanza, the 'O' in "our" should be capitalized.
In the second line of the fourth stanza, I am not sure what is "emanating."
The word "Jessica" should be in quotations.
I would also take out the "Did I?" This makes the poem much more of a relationship between the composer and the poem.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. There are some flow issues and your poem almost reads like a shopping list in some areas.
My second suggestion would be to cut out the repetition. You are saying the same things over and over and over again. Yes, Jesus loves us but you don't need to tell the reader ten times.
The word "fail" is repeated three times within the fourth stanza.
You repeat "mercy" three times within your poem.
In the fifth stanza, the 'Y' in "you" needs to be capitalized.
You need a comma after the first line of the last stanza.
I also think you should put the word "who" between "parent" and "loves."
You need a semicolon after the second line of this stanza.
You are missing other punctuation throughout your poem.
Overall, I think you could have delved deeper emotionally with this poem. I only see one layer. The reader is supposed to peel back the layers of a poem like an onion. This poem only has one layer. It is strictly first person and I found it hard to relate to. Your poem is not only written for you, which is not supposed to be, but also for the reader. The poem by default has to be written for you because it is almost a prayer.
I felt that there was not enough depth or emotion to pull at my emotional chords.
You have a good poem here. I have a few suggestions for you.
In the second stanza, third line, I would take out the "and." I think that this line reads better without this.
I would take out the comma in the first line of your last stanza.
The last line of your poem is kind of fuzzy, "or my spine -- at which point, to Hell, I'd belong." This is mainly in the last half of this line. "at which point, to Hell, I'd belong." Why would you belong in Hell? I think that there is a missed connection between your last stanza and your second to last stanza. You change contexts between these two stanzas.
I like the internal rhyme in your poem along with the end rhyme.
You have a good poem here, but there are some things that need to be addressed.
In the second line of the first stanza there needs to be a period at the end.
In the last line of the stanza, I am not sure why you capitalized the "R" in "reminds." You do not do this in the rest of your poem. Also, this last line should read like this, "[r]eminds me [that] I'm cherished; [N]ever forgotten[.]"
In the fourth stanza, there should be no forward slash after "Forget." Proofread before you post. The next lines should be as follows: "[C]hase them away and[,] / Let goodness and mercy fill your heart today."
In the fifth stanza, there should be no comma after the second line.
The last line of your poem should have a period at the end.
Overall, I liked your poem but the incorrect punctuation made your poem a little difficult to follow.
You have a good poem here. However, I have many suggestions for you.
In the third stanza, fourth line, I think "no one" sounds better than "none."
These two lines are kind of confusing, One day they captured a mouse named Luke, / Full of vengeance for his murdered wife." I am not sure who the second line is referring to.
These two lines have a couple issues with them. "As he sailed the ship to a watery grave, / And we charged on up to the top."
First off, these two lines are an incomplete sentence. The line should read, "As he sailed the ship to a water grave, / [W]e charged on up to the top." However, the ship sailed to a watery grave and yet you the characters still charged on top of it. The ship sank, yet you can still climb onto it? There is a verb disagreement. The line would read better like this: "Sailing the ship to a watery grave..."
These lines make no sense. This three lines together are a fragment.
As for the stanzas that repeat:
"No quarter given and none taken,
Friend and foe alike died that day,
But we would not rest,
Until Mossflower was free."
There needs to be a period at the end of the second line.
"Forming an alliance with some traveling players, / And a young lady named Rose, / Who was searching for her brother." The punctuation is also incorrect.
The second to last line of this stanza does not need a comma.
In the seventh stanza, there needs to be a semicolon at the end of the second line. Not a comma. I would also not repeat "place."
The second line should read, "A place that [had] once been ruled by a cruel wildcat."
The fourth line does not need a comma and the fifth line needs a comma.
This is a fragment and makes no sense, "A place that once been ruled by a cruel wildcat, / Until Martin came along, / And slew her in single combat.
In the eigth line of this stanza, "Matthias" is misspelled.
The ninth line does not need a comma.
In the ninth stanza, there does not need to be a comma after the first line.
The eighth line needs a period.
The second to last line of this stanza does not need a comma.
Overall you do have a good poem, but the terrible punctuation mistakes really threw me off. These punctuation issues also messed up the flow of your poem. I would suggest reading your poem out loud. You will be able to catch these errors. I would strongly recommend you fix these.
I am also not an admirer of fan fiction or fan poetry. I suppose it takes creativity for an original poem and also for an unoriginal poem.
You may want to check the spelling of the names here also. You have one misspelled name for sure. (Matthias) I am unfamiliar with the other names so in their instance I cannot help you.
I have a few suggests. The first one is to read your poem out loud a couple of times to make the flow absolutely perfect. It is near perfect, but not quite.
My second suggestion is a mere observation. You use no punctuation through out your poem until the very end of your poem. Taking out that period would make your poem more uniform. This, again, is just a mere observation.
I would have to congratulate you on writing a good poem with a dark theme. I have read many dark poems and they often become so dark that they lose their poetic value. This is not the case with your poem. I like the imagery and the rhyme holds your poem together well.
You have a good start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.
My first suggestion is to not make the title of your poem the first line of your poem along with repeating the same line again later. I am also not sure why the words of the first line are capitalized whereas the words in the line later in your poem are not.
In the third line of the first stanza, there is a space after "feelings" and before the comma. This may have just been a typo.
The rhyme in the last two lines of the first stanza may have been unintentional but the rhyme scheme does not fit the rest of your poem. Also "kind" and "mankind" rhyme. Along with "blind." In the fifth stanza, "win" and "within" also rhyme. If you are going to have a rhyming poem, I would stick to a uniform rhyming pattern.
The second line of your poem cannot stand alone. With the colon at the end, it seems to the reader than you are going to make a statement. I would make this line part of the second stanza. I would leave out the ellipses too. This line is intended to be emphasized, but it is not emphasizing anything. You are biting off more than you can chew.
You do not need a comma at the end of the second line of the third stanza.
I would make the last line of your poem part of the second to last stanza. You are putting too much emphasis on things that do not need emphasis. The last couple lines of a poem are the conclusion so they should pack a punch. Emphasis is only needed when the words aren't very strong and need strength or to completely isolate an idea. With your poem, you do not need this. Because it is the last line of your poem it does not need strength, emphasis, or isolation.
I would also read your poem out loud. There are some flow issues. The punctuation and the lack of a uniform rhyme scheme are partially responsible for this.
You have a nice poem here, but it will be much better with a little polishing.
In your first stanza, there are some flow issues. This is mainly within the first two lines. Your first two lines are enjambed. I would not do this. The first few lines of a poem set up the premise for the rest of your poem. After these two lines, I wanted to stop reading. I felt that the rest of your poem was going to be choppy like these two lines.
In the same stanza, the third to the last line should have a period at the end. The next line should read "[They] [s]aid, “Good luck!”
I am also not sure who the "they" is you are referring to in this stanza.
In the third stanza, I would not repeat "rinse." It is a rather small stanza and I think you can write a longer stanza with this theme. "Recycle, renew, reuse" or something like that. The repetition becomes a little redundant with such a short stanza. (It is only one line whereas the rest of your stanzas are at least five lines).
In the fourth stanza, I am unsure what the four letter words are that you are referring to. Love, like, hate, crap, hurt, pain, life, time? It could be any of these or anything that is four letters. Love is quite obvious, but I am unsure about the others.
In the fifth stanza, ninth line, there should be commas after "Water", "Music", "Sky" etcetera. I believe you can leave the one after "Trees" for more emphasis on "The Color Blue."
With the last line of your poem, I am not sure what or who "them" is referring too. I would change "them" to "these" so the reader knows you are referring to the things listed two lines above. I believe this is what you are referring too.
Lastly, I would recommend reading your poem out loud. There are some flow issues. This is mainly due to improper punctuation. You have to watch where you place your punctuation. It can have dire effects on your poem. Some punctuation is also needed.
Overall, despite the poem's complications, I like your poem.
There is really not much to this poem. You tell the reader exactly what he or she needs to know and nothing else. A poem is supposed to have layers like an onion. The reader would then be able to peel off the layers one by one. Your poem is so terse that I felt unsatisfied at the end. I wanted more than what you had presented to me. There is practically no depth to your poem. Your poem reads like a shopping list.
I would suggest writing with longer lines. Lines that unravel and thus the layers of the onion are peeled off. This will bring more interaction with the reader and your poem. With that, the reader's emotional chords will be struck. I found that you have only given me the top layer of a much deeper poem.
I have read many poems like this before. For me they hold almost no merit because they are all very very similar. Yours fits in with the rest of them. I used to write poetry like this, but I found that they never went anywhere. I would revise and revise and revise and the ratings stayed the same. They are a 'popcorn poem.' There is nothing that really stands out with this poem. The only thing that I found had quality was the last line of your poem.
My suggestion to you would be to expand your horizons. Go more into detail and make your poem more universal. Poetry written in the first person, with my experience, is usually not very good. If it is good it usually rhymes and contains a lot of poetic devices. Poetry with your theme and style has been overdone and I find it to be quite pedestrian.
Make this your own poem. What makes this poem different from all of the others? Make it different. Make it unique among the thousands of other poems out there like this.
You have a decent start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.
My first suggestion would be to read your poem out loud or have someone read it out loud to you. There are some significant flow issues with your poem. This is mainly due to the fact that a lot of your lines are enjambed.
I had to look up what "Keratinous" meant. My suggestion to you would be to for a context for what this word means. There is nothing worse than having to stop half way through a poem to look up a word. And then, try to find where you left off.
The seventh line does not need a comma after it.
The fifteenth line needs a semicolon after it. The difference between a comma and a semicolon is that a semicolon acts as a conjunction. Or, you can leave the comma and just put in a conjunction.
The second to last line does not need a comma either.
Overall, with a bit of polishing up you will have a good poem. I do like the imagery you use.
You have a good start to your poem here. There are some things that need to be addressed.
In the first stanza, you set up a context with your first line. (From the strangers' perspective) Then, the second line sets up another context. ("Your eyes") This is now from a different perspective. I suppose an unintended second person. I am guessing you are not referring to the reader. I would set up one context and then go with it. The second line of your poem fits the context of the rest of your poem. Everything is linear after this line. Change the first line to fit the context of the rest of our poem.
In the second stanza, the ellipses should be at the end of the fourth line not at the beginning of the last line. This may have been for emphasis but I would suggest putting "Move" in the fourth line. This will make your poem more uniform considering your poem consists of four line stanzas except for the last one.
In the third stanza, "Hands, here, there." I would change this to read as follows, "Hands[.] [H]ere, there."
You use a lot of punctuation in your poem. You have commas and periods in places they don't need to be and vice versa. I would go through your poem and put in the proper punctation. This will help the flow a little better.
In the sixth stanza, third line, there should be a comma in "night's."
Once again, your last two lines would read better like this, "She wakes up[.] / Alone."
I did like the ending to your poem. I think, however, that with a few more poetic devices, besides your imagery, you will have a much better poem. Your poem read too much like a shopping list. There was not enough detail to pull at my emotional chords.
In the fourth stanza, first line, the line would read better like this, "[It may be] a strong earthquake..."
In the second line of this stanza, "were" should be "we're" or "we are" or even "we were."
In the seventh stanza, there should be a period at the end of the first line not a period.
The two lines in the eighth stanza don't exactly rhyme.
In the tenth stanza, there needs to be no punctuation at the end of the first line.
In the last line of your poem, "Mother [N}ature" needs to be capitalized.
Your conclusion is alright. There is a difference between the right word and the almost right word. I am not entirely sure is "dare" is the right word. There are other possibilities:
"Mother Nature is not one to [care]."
"Mother Nature is not one to [play fair]"
"Mother Nature is a [feral mare]."
You have a good poem here. I did see one reoccurring problem.
In the first line of your poem, the second line of the second stanza, third line of the third stanza, and the fourth line of the fourth stanza, "distance" should be "distant."
Other than that, the rhyme holds your poem together well and the flow is good. I am not sure why you highlighted certain words within your poem. I would chose a more neutral color like navy blue. The purple or magenta hurts my eyes a little bit. Or maybe I have just been on Writing.Com for far too long today.
As for you poem, your wording is good, your imagery is good, but your poem is just much too long. I think this poem would read easier as prose or a prose/poem. I would include long flowing lines and then real short lines for a nice punch. The single words you could put as a list. Here is what it would look like:
"From a plane, high above, here it comes.
Death
Dismemberment
Obliteration
Disintegration
All the same, shockwave central
I knew the risk, easily I played the game
I fought the battle [and] brought war to this place
Give em hell is my way
I’m not afraid, and if I was
No difference would be made
I cannot run
I cannot not hide
All I can do is stand here and die
Technology is on the enemy’s side
Precision like a surgeon’s blade
We are all warriors here
The choice has always been abundantly clear
Lay down our weapons and live
Hold on tight and die
I can see the jet
Banking left
Screaming away
Its deadly cargo escaped..."
This is just my suggestion. It is always nice to place with the organization of your poem just to smooth out the flow and make things not so long winded. It may look messy, what I have done, but you may never know until one reads it. This also adds a bit of style to your poem instead of the simple lines.
Overall, I liked your poem is was just a little too long.
I would have to say I like this. It's creative. I've read maybe one instructional poem before. I've always wanted to make a recipe into a poem or even read a recipe in the form of a poem. The bold words in your poem are almost a fast reading of directions. Thank you for posting this. This may have given me the inspiration to try that recipe/poem idea again.
Write and write and write until you puke.
Sincerely,
Tevye T. Garland
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eyeswideshut/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 1:44am on May 07, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "