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176
176
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello,

You have a good poem here but there are some issues that need to be addressed. First you repeat words very close to each other such as "pain," "eyes," and "red." The word "her" is repeated eighteen times through out your poem. I suggest coming up with a different word for her. "She" is only used four times.

I am not sure why the third stanza has five lines where the rest of your poem has four lines in each stanza.

In the sixth stanza, the "i" in the second line should be capitalized.

The irregular rhyme scheme makes your poem hard to follow at times. I would suggest reading your poem out loud to see where there are problems with the flow. Having a regular rhyme scheme will help with this.

In the ninth stanza, there should be a comma after "Finally."

I like that there is a twist to your poem. It gives your poem a little extra punch. You should make the twist a little more consistent. They may be due to the fact of the third line in the third stanza. "Towards her I set sail." I would come up with a completely different line as to how you moved toward "her." No one would set sail toward an iceberg. Also, in the sixth stanza, the last line is kind of confusing. "I feel my feet leave the deck with a slip." I understand that you are trying to bring in sailing or boating to your poem. Try to relate these two lines to "her" or the iceberg. Remember we do not know what you know so it is kind of confusing to the reader.

Overall, I liked your poem and your imagery is good. These are my suggestions.

I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.

Tevye T. Garland


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
177
177
Review of Transcendence  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, again.

You have a good poem here but I am unsure of the meaning you are trying to portray. You tell a story with this poem but I feel the ending is unclear. There is a disconnect between the two parts of your poem. You are thirty years old in the first part and then eight years old in the second. This is kind of confusing. So you were eight years old when you first saw this man?

I feel as this poem should be longer or more in depth. You are only scratching the surface. There is a lot more meaning behind this poem than what you are telling the reader. The reader only knows what you tell them.

It appears that the grammar and punctuation are okay. The imagery is good, also.

Overall, I liked it but I feel that there is something missing. Something that the reader can't understand because it isn't told to them.

Tevye T. Garland


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178
178
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

You have a good poem here. It flows well and the rhyme is good. My main issue with the poem is the fact that I cannot be fully let in. The poem is a bit too personal. Hence the name, "April" and "Andre." It is quite universal by the fact that it is a love poem, however, it is not a love poem for everyone because of the names. The imagery you use is great and simple to understand. I also like how you use the passing of the months/seasons in your poem. In other words the development of your poem as I read each stanza.

I am also unsure how "the slaying of dragons" relates to love. It is just kind of thrown in there. There may be a much more relating ending to your poem. I like the imagery with the "dragons" but it does not necessarily fit in to your poem. Are you two going to go off on an adventure to slay dragons? Now that you two are together you have the ability to slay dragons? Now that you are together why are there dragons to slay? The ending is kind of left open for the reader and there is not much closure.

Overall, I did like your poem. The ending just didn't pull at my emotional chords as well as it should have. It rather left me lost and asking questions. I like the imagery in the last stanza but perhaps it is best for a different poem.

Tevye T. Garland


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179
179
Review of The Benign  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

You have a pretty good poem here. I am not really a fan of the short lines. In my opinion poetry with short lines does not flow as well as it should with longer lines. For me the poem is a bit too personal. It's filled with "I's" and "You's." It's kind of hard to relate to. Although, I do relate to it. The poem does not allow me completely in to your world. It's like I am watching from a distance rather than actually being there. The second half of the second stanza is the part I can relate to most because it is impersonal.

I would also make a note below your poem explaining what a "ghazal" is. I had to stop and look up what a "ghazal" was while reading your poem. Your poem loses it's force because the reader has to stop what he or she is doing and look up the word.

In the second to last line of the second stanza of your poem. I would take out one or all of the commas in that line. If you read the stanza out loud, you will be able to see how this line flows. This is up to you.

The last stanza of your poem is kind of ambiguous. You don't really create much of a context for the reader as to who "you" is let alone "how benign you would be." What makes this person benign? It is kind of confusing to the reader. Remember we are not inside your head. We only know what you tell us.

Overall, I do like your poem. I like the imagery you use. I would try to make it longer to draw the reader in more. We only know so much as outsiders. I wish I could feel what you feel and enter your world a little bit more, but as I said we only know what you tell us.

I am coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.

Tevye T. Garland



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
180
180
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I do not necessarily favor Haiku poems because they are so short. I can't get much out of them because they are only three lines and those lines only consist of syllables of 5/7/5. I do however like the imagery you use. It is very "to the point."

I am coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.

Tevye T. Garland


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
181
181
Review of Dust  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

You have a good poem here. I do have some suggestions for you. I like the rhyme but it is a bit off in some parts. It seems almost forced in some parts by the way your lines are formed. "Glissading" may not be a word. In the tenth line, " A simple walking stick, dropped beside the road." I am not sure exactly what is "dropped beside the road." Is it the "walking stick/pine cone" or the "traveler?" In the second to last line, "...till a mile on he meets..." the "till" should be "'til." You are shortening "until." A "till" would be something you put money in at a register. In the last line you do not need a comma. You may have put it there for emphasis or flow. Once again these are just suggestions.

I am coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.

Tevye T. Garland


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
182
182
Review of MY FARM  
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have a good poem here. I have some suggestions for you.

In the second stanza, last line, I would put a comma between "moment" and "if." This will help the flow a little bit. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch this.

I would also read you last stanza out loud to see if there are flow issues. I think that the last line does not flow as well as the other lines in that stanza.

The last two lines of your stanza are kind of confusing. Will your "legacy" be filled or fulfilled? And also, will this legacy be fulfilled on "a sunny spot where flowers grow upon a windy hill?" If so, how will this legacy be fulfilled there and not on the farm? Is this where the farm is located?

You use "fill" twice to rhyme with another word. I suggest changing this so it is not so redundant.

Overall, I liked your poem.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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183
183
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have a good start to your poem here. I can see the twist and argument you are trying to make but it is not coming out as clear on paper as you would like. I would try to clarify your thoughts in this poem. Be more precise. I can see where you are with this poem, and I can also see where it could go. I think you just need to develop your ideas more.

I like that your poem rhymes, but the rhyme is inconsistent. The fourth and sixth stanzas have a different rhyme scheme than the rest of your poem. I would make the rhyme scheme uniform throughout your poem.

Some of your rhyme seems forced. This is present within the first stanza. The lines don't flow into each other as well as they should. This goes along with developing your ideas more.

I like the imagery you use but you must compact your ideas to help the flow of your poem. Some of your lines are quite short where others are quite long. If you read your poem out loud you will see that there are some flow issues.

With a little bit of work, I think you will have a good poem. You have the right idea, once again, you just have to develop your ideas more. The word choice in your poem is good, but it could be better. There is a difference between the right word and the almost right word.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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184
184
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a good start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.

There is no need for a period at the end of the last line of the first stanza. You already have an exclamation mark.

In the sixth stanza, third line, "&" should be "and."

In the second to last stanza, fourth line,"12-layer" should be "twelve-layer."

Also in this last stanza, the person will eat the cake and then blow out the candles? I'll let it pass since this is a children's poem.

My last suggestion to you would be to take out about a third of the "Ands" in your poem. The ones that are placed internally within your poem should be alright. I would still read through it to see if the repetition becomes a little redundant. The ones that are very redundant are the "ands" that start your lines. This begins in the sixth stanza and proceeds until the last stanza. They are there for transition, but your poem will read fine without them.

Some of your stanzas are longer than others. (They have more lines.) I will let this pass since the rhyme makes up for this. You are still able to keep the flow even though your stanzas have different line numbers.

You use exclamation marks at the ends of the first three stanzas and you do not use any until the very last stanza where you use two. Why is this?

Despite these things, I liked your poem. Well done.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
185
185
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a nice sonnet here.

In the second stanza, third line, "from remains" sounds a bit odd. You may want to change it to, "from [what] remains" or "from [the] remains" or something like that. There is a difference between the right word and the almost right word.

The couplet at the end, I believe, is a little weak. It is also contradictory. You write, "eternal summer shall revive life" and then "Winter flowers shall bless me as your wife." I figure, these two lines mean almost the same thing. They say the same thing but differently. "Summer" is "eternal" and yet there is still "winter." And, "eternal summer shall revive life" and yet the fruits of "winter will bless you." The summer/winter idea contradicts itself.

Overall, I did like your sonnet. the ending just needs a little bit of polishing up and clarifying.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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186
186
Review of A Unicorn is Born  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a good poem here. The rhyme holds your poem together well.

I am not sure if the alliteration was intentional or not, but I liked it.

Here are some suggestions:

In the second stanza, there is no need for a comma at the end of the second line. A comma is only needed if the dependent clause comes before the independent clause. However, you may have put the comma in to give the reader a pause.

The second to last line of your poem is kind of odd. "... she guarded sleep." I think the last half of this line sounds weird. I would try to find a better word than "guarded." There is a difference between the right word and the almost right word.

Overall, I liked your poem.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
187
187
Review of As You Travel  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a good poem here. I like the internal rhyme along with the end rhyme.

My first suggestion for you would be to change "Sounds" to "sound in the fourth line. I believe this reads better.

I would put a comma at the end of the first line of your poem. This will help the flow and combine the two independent clauses.

In the fourth line, you need a colon not a semicolon. I would then capitalize the "N" in "no." This is an independent clause set off with a colon.

In the fifth line, there is no need for a comma after "see." This chunk, "... the sooner you see the desire that you have to swallow" is a dependent clause. It cannot stand alone. "Please take it from me" is an independent clause. An independent clause has to come after your dependent clause. I would try to change a little bit of the last line of your poem so the dependent clause can flow into it.

Another suggestion is to describe this "motto" you speak of in the first line of your poem. This could be the "make good for those who follow." You could put quotation marks around that phrase and have that be your motto.

Overall, well done.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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188
188
Review of You Still Love Me  
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have a good poem, but I have do have some suggestions for you.

The second stanza would read better like this, "While I was bad, [crying] and [keeping] you awake all night / You still love[d] me." This first line is a fragment. There is no subject. "While I was bad" is a dependent clause and cannot stand alone, as with the second half of this line.

The first line of the sixth stanza will read better like this, "No matter what I have done, will do[,] and say..."

Your conclusion is a little too terse and blunt for me. It does not fit the flow of the rest of your poem. It is only one line whereas the rest of your stanzas are two lines.

An ending to a poem is supposed to tie up the entire poem. The second to last stanza is good. But your last stanza doesn't leave the reader with anything to hold onto. I would suggest making the last stanza much more universal.

Overall, I like your poem.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
189
189
Review of Fear of Flossing  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You have a good poem here. I have some suggestions for you.

In the first stanza, sixth line, I am not sure why your nose "was getting sore."

In the second stanza, the fourth line needs a period at the end of it, not a semicolon. The next line would then be punctuated like this, "[P]lus I always get religious[,]..."

The third line of the last stanza does not need a comma at the end.

The last four lines of your poem are two fragments. There is no subject in either of them. These lines would read better like this,

"[This was] before I grabbed that length of / waxy string with [a] minty scent[,] / before I had my horrible, freakish, / dental floss accident." However the flow is still a bit off. This will take a little bit of work.

Overall, I like your poem. The rhyme holds your poem together well. You just have to fix the punctuation errors and the flow problem within the last stanza.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
190
190
Review of Tatoos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a good poem here. I have some suggestions for you.

This line is a fragment, there is no verb. "Symbols forever on my body." What about the "symbols forever on [your] body?"

With these two lines, "The ink does burn brightly / As I grasp to keep hold more tightly..." What are you "grasping" or "keeping hold" of?

Other than these few things, I liked your poem.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
191
191
Review of White World  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This poem is better than the last one I reviewed. There are many things that need to be addressed.

In the first stanza, sixth line, I would put "and" between "wanted" and "waited for."

There is no subject in this line, "Of a clouded sky; fierce force fighting for a span of time."

For the last line of your first stanza, "Is yet to be seen before it bares broken clouds, the sky be torn."
"Bares" should be "bears."

For the last part of this line, I think it will read better as this, "... the sky [will] be torn."

In the second stanza, I am not sure what the first line means. There is no subject. I do not know what you are referring to.

The fourth line is also quite confusing, I think it should read better like this, "The white is darkened [where] undone dirt doth lurk."

The last section of the second line would read better as this, "... terrible to be let free."

In the second to last line of this stanza, "such" should be "so" or "such a mess is the mess of snow."

In the last line, I would put "been" before "buried."

In the last stanza, the first line needs a comma at the end.

I don't believe you need a comma in the third line.

Also, I believe, the colon in the fourth line should be a semicolon.

I am not sure what you mean by "heart-full" in the fifth line. There also needs to be a comma at the end of this line.

There needs to be a comma at the end of the fifth line,

In the sixth line, "And I pray [for]..."

In the seventh line, "To destroy you[;] you filthy[,] young[,] yearning[,] wretched wonder!"

The second to last line of the third stanza needs a comma at the end. This is a dependent clause.

I like "the end of ends."

In the last stanza, first line, I think that the colon should be a semicolon.

The couplet at the end sums everything up quite well.

Overall, it seems that you have the language, diction, word choice, and the other poetic devices down. You just need to work on your sentence structure and your punctuation. I can see improvement.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
192
192
Review of Destination  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You have another good poem here. As usual, I do have some suggestions for you.

In the second line of each of the first three stanzas, I would put "I" before "Drove."

In the second stanza, "twas" should be "'Twas." There just needs to be an apostrophe before the "T."

In the second to last stanza, the second line would read better as this, "Destination [found] at last, at last!"

Your ending ties up everything nicely.

Overall, nice job.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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193
193
Review of Hunted  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is pretty good. I did notice two things wrong with your entry.

Here are some suggestions: "Sight is limited to lily pads of light on [the] sidewalk..."

In the next line, there needs to be a comma, between "hand" and "but. This sentence is made up of two independent clauses.

Other than those two things, I liked your entry. Good luck!!

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
194
194
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a good poem here. The rhythm and rhyme hold your poem together well. This is also an uncommon theme. In other words, this is something new!!!

My suggestion to you would be to put periods at the end of the first line of the first stanza, first line of the second stanza, the first line of the third stanza, first line of the fourth stanza, and the first line of the fifth stanza. These lines are all independent clauses. I don't think this will mess up the flow too much.

In the fourth stanza, second line, "tis" should have an apostrophe before it, " 'tis."

Overall, well done.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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195
195
Review of Six Hundred Souls  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a good poem here. I like the format of your poem. The 'arrow' is pointing upwards instead of downwards. The repetition gets a little redundant, but it fits your poem.

My only suggestion to you would be to spruce up your conclusion. I was going to tell you to add another line,however, you cannot do this since your poem equals six hundred characters. I think your conclusion is a bit weak due to the fact that it is so personal. I would suggest making it more universal as the rest of your poem is.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
196
196
Review of Vulpes Vulpes  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a good poem here. I have some suggestions for you.

My first suggestion would be to divide the first stanza into two stanzas.
My second suggestion would be to make all of your stanzas the same number of lines.

I would not double space the lines between your poem. The only spaces you need in your poem are the spaces the divide up your stanzas.

In the sixth line of the first stanza, "rabbits" needs an apostrophe, "rabbit's." This is a shortened form of "rabbit is."

The second to last line of your poem needs a comma at the end. I think these last two lines would flow well together.

Overall, I liked your poem. The flow is good and it rhymes well. The story which is told is quite linear.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
197
197
Review of Forsaken  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You have a good poem. I have a few suggestions for you.

In the second stanza, "30" should be "thirty."

In the fourth stanza, you do not need a comma in the first line. You may have put that in there to help the flow. I believe that this is unnecessary.

This is also the case with the fifth stanza.

I like the imagery you use. The flow is good too. I would read your poem out loud just to make sure the flow is consistent. To me it flows well.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
198
198
Review of If I Were. . .  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have some nice children's poetry here. I do have some suggestions for you.

The first poem:

The third line needs a period at the end.
In the last line there needs be be a question mark after "didn't I?"

All four lines rhyme with each other. This is not the case with your other poems.

The second poem:

There are some flow problems with this poem. You put your line breaks in odd places.
The punctuation is a little off also. The first line of that poem does not need a period but a comma.

There needs to be a comma at the end of the third line.

The third poem:

This poem also has some flow issues. Again, it has to do with your line breaks. I would read your poem out loud. If you do this, you should and will be able to catch the flow issues in the second and third poems.

The final poem:

I would put a period at the end of the second line, not a comma.
There needs to be a comma at the end of the third line.
In the fourth line, "dragon's" should be "dragon."

I like the 'artwork' that is included with your poem. It helps the reader visualize what you are writing. I also like that they are children's drawings. This is perfect.

Despite the issues, I liked your poems. The children's drawings were a great idea.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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199
199
Review of Prom Queen  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your poem pretty good. I have suggestions for you.

In the first stanza, second line, I would take out the comma. This line is easier to understand this way.

My second suggestion is for you to read your poem out loud. There are some flow issues with your poem. The stanzas flow alright by themselves, but as for the poem as a whole, the stanzas vary in flow. When you do read your poem out loud, you should and will be able to catch these problems.

"Music" and "thick" do not necessarily rhyme. This messes up the flow a bit.

Overall, I did like your poem.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
200
200
Review of Dew and Sands  
Rated: E | (3.5)
You were doing quite well until your last stanza.

First, I have suggestions for the earlier stanzas.

The second line of the first stanza needs a period at the end instead of a comma. The first two lines are an independent clause.

In the third stanza, I would put a period at the end of the third line instead of a hyphen.

As for the last stanza, first line, "dews" do not melt. Dew is not frozen it is a liquid.

I am not sure what this line means, "Setting for the black of nights." You may want to take out the comma of the previous line and put "and" in.

These four lines are a fragment, "The stars that twinkle and glow, / Eventually burning out; / And the seasons, four in all-- / The birth, renewal and death / And the dews and sands of time." These five lines are all dependent clauses. There is no action taking place.

Overall, I liked your imagery but there were far too many fragments in the last stanza of your poem which made your conclusion weak.

Write until you puke.

Sincerely,

Tevye T. Garland

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