I do not care for poetry that asks so many questions. The poem loses its meaning because the reader is forced to answer these questions rather than focus on the poem itself. Your poem consists entirely of questions so the poem is more about the reader than the actual writing itself. You leave the reader with more questions than answers.
I think that your poem would be much better if you tried to answer these questions rather than asking them. You can include these questions, just rewrite them as a statement.
You start your poem off asking: "What is it?" What is what? You tell me... you are the composer. What is the "it" you are referring to? Don't ask me. I'm reading your poem.
I think that you could have a really great poem by trying to answer these questions. You would really draw the reader in more. There would be much more of an interaction between the reader and the poem/poet if you tried to answer these questions. There would be much more emotion involved. The reader would be reflecting on the poem instead of himself or her self.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have pretty good poem here. The subject matter is kind of a touchy subject for some. But, I 'll let it pass for it is not my poem, but yours. I do have a few suggestions for you.
The rhyme scheme is a bit off in this poem. This is a bit difficult to do because the last line is the same in each stanza. The word "God" is also quite difficult to rhyme.
In the second stanza, first line, I am not sure what the "its" is referring to in this line? The rose will regrow in the same place each year? In the second line, this is just my opinion, but I think the line would read better as follows: "through winter['s] cold and snow..." I would read it out loud and see how it sounds.
The last suggestion is more of an observation. In the last line of each stanza, except the last stanza, you do not capitalize the "B" in "but." I would try to be consistent with this. This may have just been a typo or by error.
Overall, I liked your poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good poem here. I like the subject matter. I have a few suggestions for you.
My greatest suggestion to you would be to work on your punctuation. You have commas where you need periods. You combine complete sentences with commas. You need to put periods at the end of each. I can understand putting a comma at the end of a line to help the flow, but you put commas in the middle of lines where they are not needed.
You also need to put question marks at the end of questions. Your punctuation throughout your poem is inconsistent.
My last suggestion to you would be to add or make a better conclusion. The last or several last lines should really sum up your entire poem. They should really hit home to the reader. I want something to hold onto after I reading a poem. The last line of your poem is really ambiguous. Throughout your poem I was trying to figure out what the "it" or "its" is. The last line of your poem states: "One decade and its all gone." I am still unsure what the "its" is referring to. Your life? Also, "its" should be "it's."
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem.
The rating is my overall opinion. The gift points are for effort. The review is for everything else in between.
I feel like this short poem is part of a longer poem. I think you can go into much more detail behind the meaning of this. You hook the read in by writing "the weight of all the lies are / coming down on me hard." What lies? Explain further. Are they lies from your lover? Are they the lies from life? What kind of lies are they?
The lies are "like a boulder rolled quietly /onto [your] back in the middle of the night." What is the composer doing during the middle of the night? Are they sleeping? Are they walking the streets? Are they walking the streets trying to avoid the lies?
The title of your poem is "exploding." What is exploding? The lies? The composer? The composer's mind?
There is much too left open for the reader. The reader can only understand what the composer gives the reader. I feel as though the composer must delve deeper within himself or herself and write it out.
I get a sense of a wall that was put up and the reader is only allowed to get but a glimpse of what the composer knows.
The rating is my overall opinion of the poem. The gift points are for effort. The review is for everything in between.
I think you have a pretty good start to your poem. I have a few suggestions for you.
I am a little confused by the first four lines of your poem. Why is the composer "waiting, sweating, thinking," and "melting?" And then the composer adds "My future looks bleak." Things are left a little too open.
And then the composer goes on to write "options none." What is this referring to? "Options" in regards to what? I feel the same way about the word "choices." What is "choices" referring to?
"Countdown" to what?
I think that you leave too much open for interpretation with your poem. The reader can only understand what the composer gives him or her. You could have a much deeper poem here, but you have only scratched the surface.
I am not sure why everything is capitalized.
I did like the "Tick tick tick / Countdowns on" for word choice.
The rating is my overall opinion. The gift points are for effort. The review is for everything else in between.
I feel as though this poem reads as a "stream of consciousness" or "an aside." In other words this reads like the composer is deep in thought, but I feel as though the composer is asking too many questions. The poem is about the composer, but I found myself answering too many of the questions. I lost focus and started thinking about myself rather than the poem as a whole.
I am not sure if this was intentional, but the poem is missing a few commas here and there. This is the same with periods.
I also think you can take out the ellipses in your poem without it losing its meaning. The space between your lines leaves enough room for the reader to pause.
In the fourth stanza, the sentence beginning with "And sometimes..." is a fragment. There is no subject.
"Somethings" in the sixth stanza should be two words. The last line does not need a comma in it, either.
Overall, this poem was a little better than your last one. The rating is my overall opinion. The gift points are for effort. The review is for everything else in between.
You have a pretty good poem here. It tells of everyday human life and the repetition and the mundane that most of us go through each and every day. Unfortunately, your poem also kind of reads like this. I would suggest adding for figurative language or poetic devices to spice it up a bit.
I like the meaning behind your poem. "Live the life you want to live." However, your poem is lacking the "fire" that it needs to prove this point. You state the "plainness" of life quite clearly. But, what else is out there? I would add some things to help convince people to live the life they want to live.
"Your life is your life. You can do anything in this world if you just put your mind to it."
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. The rating is my overall opinion. The gift points are for effort. The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have an alright start to a much longer piece. I have a few suggestions for you.
In the first line I believe you need "the" after "from."
In the second line you need the word "a" after "to."
In the third line, "founded" should be "found."
In the last line, I don't believe you need a comma after "me."
Once again, my suggestion to you would be to proofread before you post. Read your poem out loud and you will be able to catch your mistakes. I also think that you need to make your poem longer to draw the reader in more. I believe that you only have peeled off the first layer. Poems are supposed to have layers. You have only made it through the first one.
The rating is my overall opinion. The gift points are for effort. My review is for everything else in between.
I think this is a very rough first draft of a poem. I understand the meaning, however, the missing words, the grammatical errors, and the lack of punctuation makes this meaning difficult to understand. You also have some conflicting tenses within your poem. I have several suggestions for you.
First, I would not write "Hi Rain." With this introduction I feel as though you are writing a letter to "Rain." If this was your intention, I would make it more formal, "Hello, Rain." I believe you also need a comma between the two words.
In the first line, you write "you know me for the quite long time." I believe you mean, "You have known me for quite a long time."
In the third line of your poem, "but I never got the change to feel you," "Change" should be "chance."
In the fourth line, you are forgetting the word "as" after "just." This regularly occurs throughout your poem.
You have many run-on sentences within your poem. This is definitely the case with lines seven through nine. You have multiple sentences all jammed together.
Overall, my best suggestion to you would be to proofread before you post. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch the issues with your poem. The rating is my overall opinion. The gift points are for effort and the review is for everything else in between.
You have a good start to your poem. I would recommend proofreading before you post. If you read your poem out loud, you should be able to catch the words you missed in your poem. What does "every day to same old thing" mean? The word "everyday" needs a space between the two words. In this context, it is a two word, word. You need to put the word "the" between "to" and "same."
"and it gets boring like my life is / on repeat" is a very confusing two lines. A little punctuation will help the reader decipher this.
"the same s*** continues and no one / is fixing it..." It is your poem and your life. From what I can tell you need to fix your poem.
You need to use proper grammar, punctuation, and capitalization in your poem.
In the second to last line of your poem, the first "when" should be "went."
You misspelled the word "separate" in the last line of your poem.
My rating is my overall opinion of your poem. The gift points are for effort and my review is for everything else in between.
I enjoyed reading your piece. I really have only one suggestion for you. Proofread before you post. I am going to be blunt because it is needed; especially for a piece with such a subject matter as this. What does your title, "As a women" mean? You have misspelled the word "woman" which just so happens to be the touchy subject of your piece. Even in your last line you wrote, "I would be intimidated by a hard working women too." "Women" is the plural of "woman." Even in your description you misspell "woman." That is three in a row. I am sorry, but you make yourself look like a fool. Because of this misspelling, your whole point is lost. You have unfortunately lost your credibility.
You also have some grammatical issues within your piece.
The rating is my overall opinion of your piece and the gift points are for effort. The review is for everything else in between.
You have a nice start to your poem. I like the imagery you use but I feel that it doesn't flow from line to line. Your poem is full descriptive words but there is no action connecting them. Your poem is full of incomplete sentences. You have two verbs in your entire poem. One of these may even be a gerund. "Staining" and "lift." A gerund is an adjective that looks like a verb.
"The chaos of splintered / beak and wing. / Through liberated shards Of broken / glass." What about it? There is no action taking place here. "The crimson drip, /
upon tainted feather." What about the "feather?" And then we have "staining crinkled bow." Here is your first action verb, possibly.
I would strongly suggest putting more action into your poem. Like I said earlier, your imagery is great, but it cannot entirely hold up your poem. You need some action.
The rating is my overall opinion. The gift points are for effort. My review is for everything else in between.
I am here to review another one of your poems. You have a good start to your poem. There are a few things that need to be addressed.
First off, you may need a comma after "ago" in the first line of your poem. I am having difficulty understanding the second line of your poem. "for contentment, the sea always brought to me." Reading this line apart from the rest of your poem, I found that it cannot stand alone. But, the first line of your poem doesn't really flow well into this line either. I am trying to cut and piece together what you are trying to portray but it doesn't make much sense. I think some of the words in these two lines need a bit of rearranging.
In the third line, you are referring to a poem title, "Annabel Lee." "Annabel Lee" either needs to be in quotation marks or italicized. In the second to last line of this stanza you are referring to the person, Annabel Lee, so there is no need for quotation marks or italics.
I also think you need to work on your punctuation a bit at the ends of your lines in this stanza.
For the second stanza, the third line is the first part of a compound sentence; but it has no subject. I am specifically referring to the "left my beach' part of this line. It is a bit confusing.
In the fourth line, I am not sure what "features" is referring to.
I believe you need a comma after "Earth," and I think you need to capitalize the "E" in Earth.
Another observation is that your poem has an irregular rhyme scheme. The last words of your poem in the first stanza all rhyme with each other. The second stanza has a rhyme scheme of a,a,b,b,b,b,b. The rhyme scheme in the first stanza gets a little redundant. I would try to change both of the stanzas to fit a congruent rhyme scheme without losing the poem's meaning.
You also use the word "sea" a lot within your poem. This occurs mainly in the first stanza. I would try to find a different word for "sea.' You only use this word once in the second stanza.
I think the last two lines of your poem sum up everything nicely.
Overall, your poem needs some work, but you have a great start on it. The rating is my overall opinion of your poem and the gift points are for effort. The review is for everything else in between.
I had to look up what a diamond poem is. I don't really have too much suggestions for you other than nice job sticking to the structure of a diamond poem. My only suggestions would be to not make the font smaller/bigger as you continue with your poem. Also, to make your poem longer, I think you can add another diamond poem after this one that also describes berries. For me, this kind of poem is just too short. I like something I can hold onto by the end of the poem. This one seems to leave the reader hanging.
You have a good start to your poem here. I like the imagery you use, but there are some things that need a bit of sorting out.
First off, I am a little confused by the seventh line. "Ocean, become the rain and ocean again." How can the ocean "become the rain?" This imagery needs a bit of explaining. What happened to the ocean where it is no longer the ocean?
Second, the composer states, "My feet move in increments here." What kind of increments? Small increments, fast increments, heavy increments, light increments? They may even move in fluffy increments? An increment is just a way of measuring something.
"Whatever I do with them." What is the "them" referring to? Your "feet" or "heart beats?"
Your "heart beats too normally" and yet "significantly" does not coincide with the next two lines. I think that a "pang" would be painful causing some kind of change in heartbeat.
I also think that you can strengthen the conclusion of your poem. You leave your poem quite open-ended. The last line does not hit home and tie everything up as well as it should.
Overall, I liked your poem. It just needs some clarity and a bit of polishing up. The rating is my overall opinion and the gift points are for effort. The review is for everything else in between.
I believe this is a nice start to a much longer poem. I feel as though you have not gone in depth enough with your poem for the reader to latch onto. I need something to hold onto after I am done reading a poem. I have some further suggestions for you.
First, I am not sure why everything is capitalized. It's kind of up in my face. A poem is supposed to be soft and delicate.
I never read the description of a poem until after I read the poem. If this poem is ever published there will be no description included. That being said, I am not sure who the "she" is until the last line of your poem.
In the second line of your poem. "wing" should be "wings" unless the bird only has one wing. And if the bird only has one wing, she is unable to fly. If she is unable to fly, this defeats the purpose of your poem.
You have some fragment sentences in your poem. This means that some of your lines lack the subject/verb combo. Sometimes you can get away with this, but your poem is much too short for this.
My last suggestion would be to make your poem longer and add some figurative language. Simile and metaphor is easy. I would start with that. You can look up other poetic devices via the internet. Maybe some rhyme or alliteration.
Overall, I believe you just scratched the surface with this poem. I could not dive in. I want to peel off the layers like an onion. I barely pulled off the first layer.These are just suggestions. If you rewrite your poem, I would be happy to reread and review it.
You poem is quite mediocre. Your capitalization is inconsistent and I feel as though I was reading someone who was just talking and not writing an actual poem. I do not need to be harsh, just blunt, where bluntness is required.
Your imagery is kind of mundane or ordinary. I would like to suggest adding literary devices or figurative language. Include something as simple as simile or metaphor. I would look up different kinds of literary devices on the internet.
Your poem is very emotional, but it does not draw the reader in. It is simply a spilling a feelings. There are no poetic devices included in your poem. This is just a writing of emotions. Your poem is written in the first person point of view which makes it difficult to draw the reader in. Give your poem voice. Give me something to think about. The reader only knows what the composer gives to him or her.
I am not sure why the first letters of "Self-Deprecating" are capitalized.
Overall, this poem needs a lot of work. Give the reader something to hold onto when they are done reading.
I would be happy to reread and review your poem is you decide to make some changes.
You have a good start to your poem here. I like the story it tells. You would have a wonderful poem if it weren't for the punctuation and grammatical issues.
In the first stanza, first line, the "I" in imagination does not need to be capitalized. In the second line of this stanza, "drifts" should be "drift." In the third line of this stanza, "lay" should be "lie." "Lay" means to put or set down. In the last line of this stanza, "whip" should be "whipped." It's "whipped cream" not "whip cream."
In the second stanza, the second line needs a question mark at the end. You are "wondering." You are asking a question in thought. The rhyme scheme in this stanza is different than the rhyme scheme of the rest of your stanzas. The rhyme scheme of this stanza is a,a,b,a. The rhyme scheme of your other stanzas is a,b,c,b. I would change "Mars" to a different planet. I am not sure what a "keeper's Jar" is.
In the third stanza, the first two lines are a run-on sentence divided up with an unnecessary comma. If you read these two lines out loud you will be able to catch this. This part of the line is missing an action verb, "all the stars dancing with me." I'd put a semicolon at the end of the third line rather than a comma. There will give the reader more of a pause and help connect the dependent clause that follows.
In the fourth stanza, you don't not need a apostrophe in "star's." There is no ownership being portrayed. You also do not need a comma at the end of the first line. The second line is a fragment. For the last line of your poem, I would take out the comma and put in "to enjoy." This will make it read better.
One last thing. Read your poem out loud. If you do this, you will be able to catch the grammatical and punctuation errors you missed while reading it silently.
You have a great poem here that needs a lot of tidying up. The rating is for my overall opinion of the poem and the gift points are for the effort. My review is for everything in between.
I usually do not care for poems that ask so many questions because the reader loses focus. However, I will make an exception for this one because it is in the form of a prayer. This is by default, personal, and there is not much that can be changed about that.
I have a few other observations. I am a little confused by this line. "For the Lord I was created." You were created "for Him" or by "Him?" If "for Him," were you created to do His work? How were you created "for Him?"
In the second to last line, you do not need a comma after "Why."
I would also try to make the rhyme consistence throughout your poem. The irregular rhyme scheme messes up the flow a bit.
I like this poem better than the last one. There is a dark theme to this poem, too. This is not a bad thing, just an observation. You use some good imagery in this poem, also. I have a few suggestions for you.
The ninth line through the eleventh line is one entire sentence. I would try to make this shorter. It gets a little long-winded. I found myself losing my breath while reading this line.
Again, I would read your poem out loud to catch some flow issues.
This is all I have to say about your poem.
Keep writing and let the emotions flow. Good writing comes with practice.
You have a pretty good poem. The imagery you use is pretty good. The poem is a little bit too emotional for me. I have read many, many poems about a broken heart. They all seem to blend together now. None of them really stand out. I believe this is because the topic has been literally beaten to death in writing. You do, however, do a fairly decent job of portraying this theme. Your poem is not all the same as every other broken-heart poem.
In the seventh line, you need a comma after "And yet."
The eighth line reads kind of odd.
I would read your poem out loud to fix the flow issues. The first two thirds of your poem flows fairly well due to the combination of short and long lines. The last third of your poem contains only longer lines. This kind of messes up the flow.
The theme is quite deplorable (not the poem). There is an overwhelming theme of "begging on hands and knees."
I like this poem better than your last one. It holds together much better.
I do have a few suggestions for this poem, too. I am not sure who the "they" and "their" is you are referring to. I never read the descriptions of a poem. Sometimes when I am done when there is something ambiguous about the poem. If anyone's poem is ever published, there will never be a description of the poem unless there is an article being written about the poem. So who is the "they?" According to the description, it is family or those close to us. A reader only knows what the composer gives them. I take the poem (and title) as is. No description.
Four stanzas have four lines and one stanza has three lines. I am not sure why this occurs.
There is no rhyme in the fourth stanza because it is missing its last line. This really bogs down the flow of your poem. It almost comes to a full stop with the ellipsis.
The last stanza of your poem is quite accusatory."You could not truly see." I would try to reword this last line. I think it is a bit too aggressive. A poem should be soft. You are letting the reader into your world; not trying to push the reader into your world. The composer is trying too hard to make the reader feel what he or she feels. Let the reader feel what he or she feels. We can only understand what the composer gives to us. Remember, there is a difference between the right word and the almost right word.
Overall, I liked the imagery you use and the repetition helps your poem.
You have a good start to your poem. I like the figurative language you use such as "roundness to angles." I do have some suggestions for you.
Your poem contains many fragmented sentences starting with the first two lines of your poem. These means that many of your lines lack the subject/verb combo. There is no verb in the first two lines of your poem. "Ebbing" and "flowing" are adjectives. They describe "memories."
The second stanza is pretty good but it still needs some smoothing out.
The first two lines of the third stanza is very descriptive. However, there is not much action. The third line is written in command form. "Talk to the angels." Why should I talk to the angels? I feel as though you are telling the reader to "talk to the angels." I like the imagery in the fourth line of this stanza.
With the fourth stanza, first line, you do not need a comma at the end. You are dividing up a complete sentence that takes up two lines. I think that the last line of your poem reads better if you take out the "and."
Structurally, your poem needs some work. My first observation before reading your poem is that your first three stanzas consist of four lines each, while your last stanza contains five lines. I am not sure why this is.
Also, your poem contains an irregular rhyme scheme. Your first and second stanzas do not rhyme. The third stanzas rhyme scheme is a,b,a,b. Your last stanza has a rhyme scheme that is different from the third stanza. a,b,b,c,c. I would try to commit to a regular rhyme scheme that is consistent throughout you poem. This will help with the flow of your poem.
The flow of the first two stanzas of your poem is slower than the rest because there is no rhyme scheme. Then the flow of the stanza picks up because there is a rhyme scheme and then it quickens even more in the last stanza because there are even more lines that rhyme.
I would suggest reading your poem out loud. You should be able to catch errors you did not find by reading it silently.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. However, there are many things that need to be polished up.
You have a pretty good start to your poem here. I like the message you a trying to portray in your poem. There are some things I would like to address.
You start your poem off with a lot of questions. Questions, if used properly, can really help a poem or piece of writing. Too many questions, however, can really distract the reader. The reader is left answering the questions rather than reading the poem. I would try reducing the amount of questions or combining some of them to keep the flow of your poem moving.
You also have a few missing commas throughout our poem.
There are many fragmented sentences within your poem.
You need to capitalize the "I" in the seventh line of the second stanza.
In the third stanza, third line, "Lay" should be "Lie." "Lay" means to set or put down.
The last stanza of your poem is alright. I think that the meaning and the words you use is kind of cliche and is used over and over again. I think that you could find other words with the same meaning that pack more of a punch. The last stanza or few lines of a poem should really tie up the poem. I found yours to be kind of soft and doesn't really leave me anything to really hold onto. I want something that I can really take with me.
I would suggest reading your poem out loud. You will be able to catch many of the errors you couldn't catch while reading your poem silently.
Overall, I did like reading your poem, But, through some editing and polishing up, you could have a much better poem.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.32 seconds at 6:52pm on May 07, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "