You have a good start to your poem here. I found it quite difficult to follow. I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion would be to divide up your poem into stanzas. Your poem reads a little heavy. In other words the flow is a bit slow because there is a lot to take it. If you read your poem out loud, you should and will be able to catch this.
There also appears to be some kind of rhyme scheme. However, this is inconsistent and irregular using slant rhyme.
The fourth line is kind of confusing and reads a bit odd. "The travel was hard to sea." As I read this line, I feel as though the meaning is "hard to [see]." I would try to rewrite this. Maybe adding the word "the" before sea.
"Not a soul was here along" kind of reads funny too.
"Far I was to greet the sea." This line is kind of paradoxical and doesn't quite work. There is a distance issue. You were "far" from "greet[ing] the sea." You have to be close to greet something and aren't you already on the sea?
And then you use the word "cottage" two lines after. The picture you are trying to portray is not very clear. I am not really sure what kind of vessel you are in.
"To sleep a dream to envision the sea" is another line that confused me. "To sleep a dream" does not make a whole lot of sense either. Are you dreaming of the sea while on the sea?
The last line of your poem is kind of ambiguous. Why now can you truly see? The imagery you use is good but they don't connect with each other. I would try smoothing out your poem a bit with a little more explanation. Your thoughts with each line have trouble connecting with each other. The lines should be congruent.
You use the word "sea" four times within your short poem. I would recommend trying another word similar to "sea." It becomes a little redundant.
You also have many fragmented sentences. This may be why your flow is a little rough.
Like I said earlier, if you read your poem out loud you will be able to catch the issues you were unable to catch while reading it silently.
With a lot a work you could have a really good poem here. Keep up the effort and keep writing.
You have another good poem here. This one is a bit shorter than the last one. For what you have written it is good. I feel that it is a bit too short for me. I feel as though the poem could be longer and that it was just getting started, and then ended quickly. You set the reader up and then the poem ins. You lure the reader in and then stop. I think that you have just peeled off the first layer of the onion here. There is much more that isn't here that could be written.
I like the repetition. If you use it throughout a longer poem it will help keep the flow.
I felt I needed more and that you leave the reader hanging at the end. The last line gives the reader a little bit of closure. But, I want something that I can hold onto and take with me after I sign off of this site. I want to peel off more layers. Two lines out of the six in your poem repeat each other. This leaves only two that are different. Keep going.
In the third line, you do not need a comma after "change."
I think that you have a pretty good poem here. I like the imagery you use. The poem almost reads like a waltz or even a dark waltz. It has a nice rhythm to it. I do have a few issues that need attention.
My first suggestion, you can take it or leave it, is that your poem consists of many questions. This kind of distracts the reader. A few questions is okay, but you may have a few too many. I found myself getting a little lost with all of the questions. I found myself trying to answer them rather than reading your poem. I kind of lost focus. The one thing that does keep the reader focused is the rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme also helps keep the flow going.
You also have misplaced question marks throughout your poem. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch these errors. They will seem like abruptly ended sentences. You also have a few incomplete sentences due the misplaced question marks.
In the ninth line of your poem, "minds" should have an apostrophe in it.
In the last line "[D]evils" should have an apostrophe.
You should also properly capitalize all of the letters in the title of your poem or not capitalize any of them.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. I think the last line of your poem ties everything up nicely.
You have a good start to your poem here. I like the imagery you use and the figurative language. I did not notice any grammar or punctuation issues.
There is one major problem with your poem. You leave your poem wide open. There is no closure. I feel that the composer has found no closure, so there is no closure in the poem. "The thorns and nettles will be revealed." And then what? Poems contain many layers. I believe you have revealed a couple of these layers within your poem. There is a mood change that occurs about halfway through your poem. However, the poem just kind of ends. I felt I wanted more from this poem. Why do these things occur? Why is there a mood change? The smell of the things around the composer goes from pleasant to smelly. Why is this so? What happened? What happens if "The thorns and nettles" are revealed? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? The reader doesn't know. The reader only knows what the composer writes.
I read the description of your poem after I read your poem. (I usually don't read descriptions) When a poem is published, there is never a description of the poem; unless someone is writing an article about the poem. You state that "This is a metaphorical poem, and the hidden meanings can be interpreted in different ways." Your poem is open to too many ways of interpretation because it is so open-ended.
You put a lot of effort into this. But I want more to hang onto. I want to be done and satisfied with your poem when I am done reading it. The last few lines should really wrap up your poem but they fall really short. They do the opposite.
Keep writing. I would be happy to reread and review your poem again if you decide to continue this poem. I like where you are going with it.
You have a good start to your poem here. The subject matter is a bit cliché, however, the word choice makes up for it a bit. I do have a few suggestions for you.
First, I would not put the title of your poem as the first line of your poem.
Second, your punctuation is a bit off. You need to use an ellipsis which is this"..." not this "..". You have commas where they need not be, and you need commas at the end of certain lines.
In the second stanza, I am not sure why the "W" in "was" is capitalized.
You need a "?" at the end of the seventh line of this stanza.
In the ninth line of this stanza "need" should be "needs."
Also, "All she need[s] is escape in a pathless woods" does not make sense. She is "escaping to a pathless woods" or from a "pathless woods?" This line doesn't make sense with the rest of the sentence. (The following line.)
The word "lost" is used four times within your small poem.
You use the verb "will" a lot in the second stanza, too.
Your poem also appears to rhyme but it has an inconsistent rhyme scheme. I am also not sure why the second stanza is much longer than the first stanza. I would stick to a uniform stanza pattern.
You have a few fragmented sentences within your poem, also.
You have a great poem here. I like the diction or word choice that you use. The imagery is phenomenal and through these two things you portray a great picture with great meaning. I do have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion isn't really a suggestion it is more of an observation. Some people may not understand some of your word choice. In other words, your poem may not be understood by all. However, it doesn't have to be. Some may not understand the words "Umlaut" or "Sibyl." This is no problem. I believe that the rest of your poem makes up for this.
My suggestions refer to how your poem is structured. I would suggest making the first letter of each line bold. I never read the descriptions of poems. I read the poem as is. I'll figure out what the poem is about when I read it. I just happened to check the description of the poem after reading it. I would have never have known that your poem is an acrostic. This is kind of a double edged sword. It is awesome that your poem is an acrostic, however, the spacing messes up the flow of your poem. You may want to get rid of the spacing or divide up the stanzas according to the rhyme. I would definitely take out the commas at the end of each stanza. You do not need them. The space between stanzas gives the reader enough of a pause. If you read your poem out loud, you will catch the unnecessary pauses.
I think that your best bet is to just get rid of the commas at the end of each stanza. If you modify the structure according to rhyme, you lose the acrostic. If you keep the acrostic your flow is imperfect. This is a win lose situation. See what other people have to say. Like I said earlier, the commas are not necessary.
Other than these few things, I really enjoyed reading your poem. Keep writing.
You have a good poem here with a touchy subject. I also like how you were able to conform to consistent structure. The imagery you use is very relatable. Well done.
The subject, for me especially, is very touchy and one I usually turn away from. However, you were able to portray of wonderful picture of what "faith" is.
In the last stanza, first line, I believe you need a comma after the word "Faith."
In the last line, you write "working hard with both minds and hands." I believe that "minds" should be "mind." We only have one mind.
"Faith without works is dead."
These are just suggestions. Thank you for sharing.
You have a pretty good poem here. I like the imagery you use. You portray a sense of longing within your poem. I usually don't care for poems about a broken heart. They are everywhere and there really isn't anything really new about them. They are quite cliché.
The imagery of this poem is what holds it together. It is different than some of the "broken heart" poems I have read. They usually very emotional and very personal.
I do have some suggestions for you. The first stanza is too personal for me. Too many "Is" in this first stanza. We have all felt this way about a broken heart. I want something different. Something different than all of the other poems I have read. I want the imagery that is similar to the rest of your poem. Less personal, and the kind of imagery the gives he reader something to think about. You repeat "Not a single" three times within the first stanza.
Throughout your poem you leave words out. Especially in the first stanza. The second to last line, "No matter fate takes us farther." I believe you forgot "what" in front of "fate." This line still doesn't make much sense with "what" in there.
You also use incorrect grammar throughout your poem. Take out the "s' in "prohibits" in the third stanza. "Amidst" is misspelled in this same stanza. Proofread before you post. If you read your poem out loud will catch these mistakes. You also have some unnecessary punctuation.
Overall, I did enjoy reading your poem. There is just some tidying up to do.
You have a good poem here. I like the imagery you use. You depict a wonderful picture with your words. I do have a couple suggestions for you.
The way your poem is structured makes flow the flow a little rough. I was told, once, a long time ago that we should never center align our poem. I used to do this all the time for aesthetics. If the poem is ever published, it will be automatically left aligned. I went back through and left aligned everything. This may also be the reason I never change my font or its colors unless it enhances the poem specifically due to its theme.
Also, I think that the words "once" and "now" should be included on the same line as the rest of the sentence. The isolation puts to much emphasis on each word and it messes up the flow of your poem.
There is too much space between each line and the next line. You use short little lines in your poem where I think you should use longer lines to help the flow. The spacing makes your poem too choppy. If you read your poem out loud you should be able to catch this. A poem's meaning should be understood by one readthrough. However, sometimes a poem must be read multiple times to be fully understood.
Your poem should flow evenly for maximum understanding. However, it does not. There are too many breaks and the reader loses focus. The poem slows down greatly about every other line.
I had to look up the word "Sirocco." It fits well with your poem.
This is just my opinion and I enjoyed the subject matter, theme, and the imagery you use.
You have a nice little anecdote here. I like the story you tell. It is very classic and personal. I did see a couple of problems. I think that "60's" should read "'60s." I may be incorrect. Also, with the line, "You see, us paperboys had to buy the papers ourselves," the subject should be "we" not "us." This could just be the style of your writing. The way to figure this out is to read the sentence without the double subject. (I am not sure what the correct grammatical term is for this) "Us had to buy the papers ourselves." This doesn't make sense. "We had to buy the papers ourselves" makes much more sense. You do the same thing later on in your writing. "us paperboys got stuck with the shortage."
You say a lot in just two lines. However, I find this much too short. I feel like this is part of a much greater whole. You leave the reader hanging. Your two lines can stand alone by themselves, but just barely. I want more. I feel like I just get started and then your tiny little poem ends. You leave the reader saying to himself or herself, "and then what?" This would be a good last two lines of a poem about winter. This is jut my suggestion. These lines are well written.
You have a pretty good poem here. It's short and to the point. The title is what drew me to your poem. I really have only one suggestion for you. I found your poem quite spiritual. There is one part in it, however, that I didn't really care for and was a little confusing.
These are the lines which state, "If we work hard, / Very hard." I was expecting your poem to go to the next level but it stepped down a notch. "If we work hard, we give birth to our selves." This part can be interpreted in two ways. "Work" as in going to work and "working" hard at something. Going to "work" is very mundane if that is the meaning. Everyone has to work, everyone has to have a job. If you meant "working hard" at something, then what is it that we/you have to work hard at? We could even work hard at working? This word is kind of ambiguous and could have many meanings all in all.
You have a good poem here. I do have a few suggestions for you. And since you are new, do not take it the wrong with. This is just some constructive criticism and don't let this deter you from writing.
Your poem has an irregular rhyme scheme. This goes both for end rhyme and internal rhyme. Just look at the last word in each of your lines. The internal rhyme is as follows, "but its five times harder when you can see rejection in your own reflection." This isn't the end of the world, however, it does mess up the flow of your poem a little. Your poem starts of a little slow, and then it speeds up, and then it slows down, and then it speeds up faster with the internal rhyme and then it slows down. I would suggest reading your poem out loud to catch this. A writer always wants to maintain the flow of his or her poem.
In the fourth to last line of your poem. I believe you mean "objection" rather than "abjection."
Abjection: a low or downcast state : degradation
Objection: a reason or argument presented in opposition
a feeling or expression of disapproval
This may have just been a mistake or typo.
I also noticed that you only capitalize some of your "Is". I would either capitalize all of them or not capitalize all of them. One or the other, not both. Stay consistent.
With this line, the point of view changes: "but its five times harder when you can see rejection in your own reflection." The point of view changes from first person, which is what your poem is written in, to second person. The composer is talking about himself or herself, and then switches to talk about the reader.
One more thing, I noticed that your poem reads like a rap. I do not have a problem with this but some of the classical traditionalist authors on here may have a problem with it. Watch out for that and don't take it to heart.
Overall, these are just suggestions and I did like your poem. It's like an old school rap in a way, which I like.
You have a good poem here. I like the subject matter. I do, have some suggestions for you for a bit of tidying up.
In these lines, "As a country dies / And children die because of.." you repeat the word "die." I would change one of them to something else without completely changing the meaning.
With this line, "You jail them in your jails", the word "jail" is repeated.
I believe this line should be written as follows, "Burn their schools and home[s]."
Your comma usage throughout your poem is inconsistent along with the punctuation after the last lines of your poem. Some of this is necessary due to the type of line, however some of your punctuation is incorrect.
The lines "Feeling powerless at times / When there is no power" are saying the same thing just in different words. It's a bit redundant. The second line loses meaning. In other words it gets a little soft.
These are all the suggestions I have for you. I really like the second line of your poem: "Lifted out of the ashes and into a river of hope." I like the imagery. It fits your poem very well.
Thank you for sharing your poem. Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. I do, however have some suggestions for you.
First off, I like the subject matter of your poem. There are some areas of your poem that are difficult to understand due to flow issues. I would read your poem out loud and you will be able to catch these issues.
In some instances, your wording is a little off. The first stanza is a good example of this.
"Perverted branches
Grab at my clothes
Handfuls of hair
To keep for their own"
I like the "perverted branches / grab at my clothes." The "handfuls of hair / To keep for their own" is kind of confusing. Where do the "handfuls of hair" come from? The "perverted branches / grab at my clothes" not the composer's "hair."
The second stanza is also confusing for the same reason. The composer does not explain "that sound" or where it comes from, or even what it is. Also, what is "gaining"? You refer to a lot of things in this stanza but the reader gets lost trying to figure it out.
This is a common theme throughout your poem. I understand that the composer is describing what he or she sees. I think that the poem would read better if it was more universal. The poem is much too personal. In other words, take out the words "me", "my", and "I". This is just my personal opinion.
The imagery you use is good. As I said early, I liked the subject matter of your poem, but your poem does need some polishing up and clarity. It is very confusing stanza by stanza and as a whole.
You have a pretty decent poem here. I have some suggestions for you. My first suggestion would be to make your poem more concise. It is kind of vague and I am never really sure what you are referring to with your lines. You ask questions and give commands. With this, the poem loses meaning. There is not much description in your poem.
You repeat "Same old story told" six times within your poem. It is also your title. I am not sure what this "same old story told" is. Because it is your title, the poem should explain what it is. After I read your poem, I still had no idea what it was. There is also other repetition within your poem. This becomes a little tedious and redundant. Your poem needs more imagery and less repetition. You are only scratching the surface with what this poem could be.
Poetry like this falls into what I like to call "therapy poetry." It is very personal and is written in the first person. You repeat the word "I" ten times within your poem. This type of poetry also makes use of a lot of questions and commands. If the composer asks a lot of questions, the reader will more often than not get distracted by answering them. As with the commands, the composer is trying to control something he or she can absolutely cannot. The reader understands this by what the composer says in the other lines of the poem.
With what little imagery you did use, I liked your poem.
I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
You have a pretty good poem here. I do like the imagery you use. I have some suggestions for you.
In some areas you use a question mark after a question and in some areas you do not. I would stick to a consistent use of punctuation.
The imagery you use is good but your poem is kind of confusing. In other words I am not sure what is the main message you are trying to portray. Your poem is titled "Rúntur and Ragnarök." I am not sure who or what this is. I know it has something to do with the Norse people or mythology. You may want to put a note after your poem as to who or what this is. I would hate to have to look it up. This is the last thing a reader wants to do. This should be explained through out your poem. I believe you fail to do this.
You also incorporate "zen" into your poem. This also could kind of confuse the reader.
In the eighth stanza you say, "The darkness seems lightless and dark /
Am I about to die?" The imagery here does not make any sense. "Dark" is dark. You describe "the darkness" as "dark." This is kind of redundant.
I am also not sure where this "snake" comes from?
I am also not sure where "toy houses" comes from?
These are just suggestions.
I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
I really like this poem. I like the imagery that you use. You really paint a vivid picture with your words. The flow is very good in this poem, also. I only have one suggestion for you. In the first stanza, third line, I don't think you need a colon after "Illinois." You may have just put it in to help with the flow.
I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
I know this is just kind of stream of consciousness but this is something every aspiring writer or every writer knows. Those "book makers" you speak of are "publishers." In the third line, the last part should read "We [are] striving [toward] it!" However, you never quite mention what you are striving towards. Getting published? Becoming a better writer? In the last line, I am not sure what is supposed to be before the "?" It appears to me as a box. Proofread before you post.
I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
You have a good poem here. The flow is good and so is the imagery. I do have some comments on your poem.
Sometimes work doesn't "truly pay the bills." Yes, we work to pay bills, but sometimes it is insufficient. Also, work doesn't always "instill a sense of purpose." Yes, we have a job to do, but there is much more to life than work.
In the second stanza, second line, I don't think you need the comma. You may have inserted it to help the flow.
In the fourth stanza, first line, I am not sure "sick" is the correct word. You may want to put it in quotations to give it a different meaning. "Sick" means that the composer isn't actually too sick to work, the composer just doesn't want to go into work. "Tired" may also be a good word.
The last line of your poem is also kind of ambiguous, "Oh, how or where do I begin" with what? "How or where do [you] begin" with solving "each dilemma?" "How or where do [you] begin" having to come into work with a "smirk" each day and having to push through?
And in my opinion the "How or where do I begin" is the message your poem tells to the reader. So in other words, you have already begun. You have already told the reader what your thoughts are about having to work and why you have to work and how you feel about going to work.
Overall, I did like your poem.
I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
You start your poem off fairly strong but then it falls apart as your poem goes on.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. There are some flow issues and you will be able to catch them. You will also be able to catch the spots where punctuation is not needed.
I have an issues with the last line of the third stanza and the first line of the fourth stanza. "But wait, then suddenly I hear. / I hear the soft note of the dripping rain." I would not repeat the word "hear." Also, I think with the "But wait" you are telling the reader to "wait" instead of the composer actually waiting. What am I supposed to wait for? The action is being done to the composer not the reader. I like the first line of the fourth stanza so I would change the last line of the third stanza.
"As I sit here" is repeated in the fourth stanza. I would take this out and put something else in. Something like "[Here I lie]longing to slumber" sounds better or something along the lines of that.
In the last stanza, "As I lay in my bed." "Lay" should be "lie." Lay means to put down. "I lay the book on the table." However, if you change the third line of the fourth stanza you will need to change this line also.
Also, with the last stanza, I am not sure why you decided to add an extra line. This also messes up your rhyme scheme. The entire poem is about the composer until the fourth line of the stanza. The composer tells the reader to "Listen to the rain!" and then the poem, with the last line, goes back to the first person, the composer. I am not sure why you did this. All of these things mess up the ending to your poem. The ending of the poem should tie up everything before it. Your ending is quite bumpy. I would completely take out "Listen to the rain!" You portray this message throughout your poem. The reader understands this by what you tell the reader. "The rain will always ease [the composer's pain" so maybe I should start listening to the rain. See what I mean?
Overall, I did like your poem. It just needs some work.
I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
You have a good poem here. I have some suggestions for you. Well mainly one. The message you are trying to portray to the reader is kind of ambiguous. You start off strong with the first three stanzas and then you kind of throw a monkey wrench into the poem with the last two stanzas. I sense a yearning or a longing in the first three stanzas. The first three stanzas are very personal because the word "I" is used. You wish for something to happen.
Once the reader gets a third of the way through the fourth stanza the motive changes along with the mood. The composer no longer is wishing or longing for something but ordering "a being" to do something. "Believe in our possibilities." The poem is very soft up until this point. At this point in the poem, the composer is saying "do this." The sense of longing becomes earnestness.
I feel as though that the composer knows that the events are beyond his or her control in the first three stanzas. "Somewhere down the road, / or around the bend, /I will see you." No matter what the composer does, it is not up to him or her whether they see this "you."
With the last two stanzas, the composer takes control of the event. He or she is now trying to control the event. If this "you" "Believe[s] in our possibilities" or "Watch[es] for me in the skies, / swim[s] the waters, approach[es] high peaks,/ and trek[s]winding paths in the trees" the composer will finally meet this "being." The composer has taken control of what he or she could not control in the first three stanzas. There is uncertainty in the first three stanzas because the composer has no control over the events. There is certainty in the last two stanzas because the composer feels as though now in control of meeting this "being." I hope this makes sense.
Because of this, I feel as though there is a disconnection between the first three stanzas of your poem and the last two. It becomes a little foggy. The meaning and the force behind the poem becomes a little diminished. It doesn't pack as good of a punch at the end because of this. Thus the ending is not as strong as I would like.
You also have an extra space between the last two stanzas.
Overall, I did like your poem. The imagery is great.
I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
You have a good poem here. I have a few suggestions for you.
The first suggestion: I believe "achoo", and "a splart" may need to be in quotation marks or italics. This may represent onomatopoeia. I could be wrong on this. I would do some research.
The second one, "intrusion" and "chin" along with "busy" and "silently" don't necessarily rhyme. I will let this slide since the rest of your poem rhymes quite nicely.
The third one. Since there is so much dialogue I would try to divide your poem up into stanzas. You could literally divide your poem in half or you could do two or four line stanzas depending on how the dialogue lines up. This will just give the reader some time to breath and let everything soak in.
You have a great poem here. The rhyme helps with the flow. And the flow is good. My only suggestion would be to smooth out the flow in the last two lines of your poem. If you read the last stanza out loud you will catch this flow issue. You may have to change the second line to "This Jack O'Lantern's spooky glances..." or something like that. Then you would also need to modify the last line to fit the flow.
This is just my suggestion.
I am coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
You poem is okay. It is quite short and I think there is much more you can do with it. I would suggest making it longer. Go into more detail. I believe because of the shortness it fails to draw the reader in. I feel like this should be the opening stanza to a longer poem. You just begin to pull at the emotional chords of the reader and then it ends.
I do like the imagery you use. The rhyme scheme is way off. I would stick to a uniform rhyme scheme. You use end rhyme but you also kind of you internal rhyme but it is located in different lines. If you do make the poem longer you could stick to this form of rhyme however it would be quite difficult to follow through.
Overall, I think there could be much more to this poem. It is short and to the point but it doesn't leave the reader with much to hold onto by the end. The poem abruptly ends and thus it leaves the reader unsatisfied.
If you decide to make any modifications, I will be happy to reread and re-review your poem.
I am just coming back from a three year drought. I hope to see you around.
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