I think you have a poem here with room for much improvement. The imagery is kind of confusing. I would also not start out with the title of your poem. I can kind of see where you are trying to go with your poem, but the words are just not there. I think that you need to develop your thoughts a little better. Don't post a poem before it is ready. I have done this numerous times. It doesn't work out for the composer or the reader. We both end up losing out.
I am not really sure of the connection between "hurricanes" and "shin[ing]." Like I stated earlier, I can see where you are trying to go, you just have to get there.
The second line of the fourth stanza doesn't make sense to me. "Break away but back better."
I do not believe that the last line of your poem should be the last line of your poem. The imagery is okay but it doesn't really sum up your poem very well at all. I want something I can hold onto and take with me. This line would be good if there was a much more solid conclusion after.
What I would do is sit down and try to reform my thoughts. I would write out my thoughts and then go back and add some figurative language and clear imagery. This will draw the reader in. It will give the reader something to relate to. The reader can only understand what the composer gives them. Your poem is very subjective. You will be amazed at how much more linear and poetic your poem will become if you try to clarify, organize, and explain your thoughts a little better.
You also need to take away the space before the comma in the first line of the third stanza.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I am here to read and review another one of your poems. I have one suggestion for you. Make your poem longer. I think that this is a good start to a much longer piece. Because your poem is so short, there is not much for the reader to grasp and hold onto. Your poem ends much too quickly. I felt I was just starting to peel off the layers and then it ends. Explain further. A poem should unravel. Yours starts to do that and then abruptly stops. I feel as though there is so much that the composer is not telling. The poem is unfinished in my opinion.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have okay start to your poem. I like some of the imagery you use. The genre of Romance/Love for poetry puts a bad taste in my mouth. This is especially the case on this website. I have read many, many poems with this genre on this website and the subject matter has practically been beaten to death. It is very difficult to find a poem of this genre that sticks out or holds my attention. This being said, I have some suggestions for you.
Some of the imagery you use is new, while some of it has been used and used again in different styles and different words. The fourth line of the first stanza is a good example of this.
The second line of the second stanza does not make sense. "Then placed over top mine inflaming sadness." There are some typos and a missing comma in this line.
You have a few fragmented sentences within your poem along with some missing and misplaced commas. You have some unneeded periods. I would suggest reading your poem out loud. This will help you catch the typos and sentence fragments.
The title of your poem is a fragmented sentence. "Rainy Nights In Idle..." In "idle" what? The word "Idle" is used as an adjective but describes nothing. Did you mean "Idleness?"
Overall, I suggest giving the reader something completely new. Your imagery is good but it could be better. I want you to really pull at my emotional cords. Let me feel what the composer feels. I can only understand what the composer gives me. So far I got some pretty good imagery wrapped around some mediocre imagery. I want something that I can hold onto and take with me after I am done reading your poem. Answer these questions: What makes your poem (situation) stick out from the rest of the Romance/Love genre (broken heart) poems? What makes yours different? When you find the answer, put it into your poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think that you have a pretty good poem here. I like the subject of it also. The rhyme helps the flow. I do have a few suggestions for you which are more observations than anything.
My first suggestion, in the last line of your poem, you write, "It's time for us to take a stand..." I am not sure who the "us" is you are referring to. Are you referring to the church goers, or are you referring to "us" the reader? Or just people in general?
You may need a question mark at the end of the second line of the seventh stanza. I am not sure whether you are asking a question or giving a command.
I would also suggest reading your poem out loud. The flow throughout your poem, as a whole, is inconsistent. If you read your poem out loud you should and will be able to catch this.
Although I do find that after reading my poem so many times, over and over again, I am more apt to miss things. So it may be wise to have someone read the poem out loud to you.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a fairly decent start to your poem. I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud. The flow is a bit choppy. When you read your poem out loud you will see where you need to make your line breaks. It is best to take things one chunk at a time writing in free verse. This way the reader can get a break and absorb what he or she is reading.
This part of your poem is inconsistent. These lines don't agree with each other. "...it pierces my skin leaving little / holes in my body where the light / cuts through me like a knife." So the light leaves "holes" and "cuts?" "Pierce[ing]" leaves "holes" and "cut[tting]" leaves slashes or gashes. Each is referring to "light," but it appears, as I have read it, that you are referring to two different things; which is the same thing, "light." This figurative language is incongruent.
In the sixth line, where is "there?" The reader does not know where "there" is? There is no mention in your poem as to the location.
The last two lines of your poem do not make much sense either. I do not understand the imagery. The last line is an incomplete sentence.
You have some grammatical errors.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a good poem here, but it is much too long. I think that if you cut your poem in half, and maybe even into a quarter of its length the reader will still get the same meaning. I think that you have to due some massive trimming to this poem.
Your poem is so long that the reader doesn't even have time to catch his or her breath. Dividing it up into stanzas would help, but it is still so long-winded. You say the same thing just differently throughout our poem. I think that you could cut your poem down to four or five stanzas containing four to six lines.
The rhyming in your poem helps the flow a little but the rhyme scheme is also quite irregular. The flow jumps around a lot.
Condense your thoughts into a simple, easy to read and easy to follow poem.
You also have a few typos.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think that you could have a good poem here, but there are major disconnects within your poem. The stanzas and the almost subheadings are completely disjointed. The only thing that really makes sense is the first stanza of your poem. The first two lines are the only thing that makes sense to me.
The second stanza makes some sense but when included with the rest of your poem, it loses its meaning. "Happiness... / I hate." This makes a bit of sense. "I hate", "you hate", "we hate." What does "hate" have to do with anything? What do you "hate?" Everything?
You put two of the words "hate" in bold and not the third one? I am assuming you missed this one. I am not sure what the rest of the bold words have to do with your poem? "Love", "bliss", "joy" and so on. There is nothing more written after "peace."
There are numerous repetitions of words and phrases or variations of them written throughout your poem. This is quite redundant.
The imagery you use is good, but there is such a minuscule amount of it that the reader can't really even dig into your poem. There just isn't much to hold onto with this piece.
I think you just need to dig deeper within yourself to find the right words.
Explain things. The reader only knows what the composer gives them.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you could have a really good poem here. With some smoothing out and some tidying up, I think you could really make this work. I like the imagery you use and the rhyme does fairly well in most areas. I have some suggestions for you.
First off, I think you should completely take out the first eight lines of your poem. They are not very poetic where the rest of your poem is. These lines don't rhyme like the rest of your poem either. The first eight lines of your poem may dissuade the reader from reading any further. Beginning with the ninth line, this is where your poem actually starts to get pretty good. The first eight lines are quite mediocre.
Another suggestion would be to divide your poem into stanzas. It is quite long-winded. You need to give the reader a break from reading once in a while. I found myself getting a bit short of breath here and there throughout your poem. However, since your poem rhymes, it helps.
As for the rhyme scheme I would try to stick to one consistent rhyme scheme.
Towards the end of your poem, or the tenth to last line you write: "What beat did you have to fight?" I think that you meant "beast" instead of "beat."
You repeat "he's coming" five times within your poem. I would suggest taking many of them out and leaving only the one or maybe two that matter the most.
Another observation is that you keep referring to this "thing" as a "he." And then the reader finds out at the end of your poem, this thing is a "she." I would try to change this so the reader doesn't actually know the gender. Or, you could just say "she" instead of "he."
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. It just needs a bit of tidying up to be a much better poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
Your poem is quite ordinary. There also seems to be a lack of connection between your stanzas. Each stanza is very isolated. A stanza is supposed to be its own separate entity. However, each line is supposed to flow into each other contextually.
Your poem is also very, very personal. I found it difficult to relate to because it is so subjective. I think that if you add some figurative language and other poetic devices, the reader will be drawn in more. Your poem doesn't really pull at me because it mainly consists of commands and speech.
The subject matter has been written about for thousands of years. It is difficult to find anything new with this subject matter these days. It is even more difficult to write something new with this subject matter. What makes you feel different than anyone else in a similar situation? What makes this poem stand out from the rest? Put some imagery into your poem that no one has ever seen before. Everything that you have stated in your poem has been stated before for centuries just in different words. I want something new, something I've never seen before.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I think you have a good start to your poem. There is a bit of smoothing out and clarification that needs to be taken care of. There are some areas of your poem that are quite confusing. I couldn't understand some of the imagery you use. I have some suggestions and observations for you.
The first stanza contains fragmented lines. What appears to be verbs are actually gerunds. The first two lines of your poem are an incomplete sentence. "The broken threads of broken dreams / and deserted hopes." What about them? This is the subject of a sentence. Where is the predicate? You literally state something and then tell nothing about it. What is it doing? There is no action in these first two lines. If you read these three words, what would you get from them? "Threads, dreams, hopes." What about them? It's like reading a shopping list.
I am also not sure what the last line of this stanza means or what it is referring to: "and like the rain."
The second stanza finally gets voice and a point of view. You switch from no point of view in the first stanza to first person point of view in the second stanza. The imagery in this stanza is inconsistent. You write: "the tears run from my eyes / down my cheeks" and then go onto write "and flake off my lashes." How do the "tears run down [your] cheeks" and then move up to your "lashes?" I never knew tears could climb upward. And "yesterday[']s skin" is kind of odd imagery. You also need an apostrophe in "yesterdays."
The imagery in your third stanza is a bit odd too. "Broken threads" of what? In the next stanza, you go on to describe a little bit more of what these "broken threads" are. But you are just restating what you said in the first line of your poem.
From the second stanza to the fourth stanza you switch points of view. You go from the singular first person (I) to no point of view (fragment) and then to the first person plural (we/our).
The imagery in the fifth stanza is unclear, also. With "As we find" I feel as though I am about to find something, "we miss" only to miss finding something. This stanza seems to rhyme.
The sixth stanza is a repetition of the third stanza.
The seventh stanza is your first complete sentence. It is just barely a complete sentence. It also rhymes for some weird reason. But, the rhyme scheme doesn't match that of the fifth stanza.
In the eighth stanza, you repeat: "and the beat goes on..."
The ninth stanza is not even a question. But, for some reason, you put a question mark at the end.
And then the last two stanzas are repeats again. I think that you can come up with something much more original to sum up your entire poem. The last few lines are the punchline. They are supposed to really wrap up the entire poem and give the reader something to hold onto. Yours do not. They are something that has been stated over and over again throughout your poem. It gets a little redundant and boring.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a good poem here. I only have a few suggestions for you. You have a very descriptive poem. I like how descriptive your poem is. It fits the title fairly well. Your poem speaks very softly and natural. I would, however, add a bit more action into your poem. You have many sentence fragments.
My second suggestion would be to read your poem out loud. There are some flow issues. Your poem kind of reads like a shopping list; especially with all of the descriptive words. When you do this, you should and will be able to catch this. Or maybe even have someone read it out loud to you.
I would switch around the first two lines of your poem and see how that sounds to you.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a nice start to your poem. I have some suggestions for you.
The first stanza is kind of paradoxical. It is in disagreement with itself. You write: "Breaking free from all that I've chained myself to / You have left me here / But I've chosen to stay." What you are saying is that you have "broken free" but then you "chose to stay." You are "free" but "not free." I would try to clarify this as to not confuse the reader.
The second stanza starts off with a question. This question is very subjective and I cannot answer it for you. I would try to reword this these two lines. There is a disconnect between the composer and the reader. I cannot answer this question because it has nothing to do with the reader. The reader is unable to relate to these lines because they are so personal.
The second two lines of this stanza is a fragment. There is no subject/verb combo. What about these two lines? There is no action within these lines.
I think you have a pretty good start to your poem. I have a few suggestions for you.
My first suggestion to you would be to proofread before you post. Some of your "Is" are not capitalized and you have a few missing and misplaced commas. In some lines you need periods instead of commas. You also need to put spaces between some of your words. There are many typos throughout your poem. I am also not sure why there is such a large space right before your poem.
Much of your wording is off in your poem. One instance is this: "...our faces covered in hood." This line would read better if you put an "s" after "hood." In other words you are making the word plural.
Because of the wording, the second stanza of your poem does not make much sense. The rhyme here also seems to be forced.
In the third stanza, second line, you give away what is about to happen in your poem. You lay everything out for the reader. You kind of ruin the intrigue of your poem. You give a 'spoiler' for lack of a better word.
In the fourth stanza you write that you were "not to walk free" but in the last stanza "no one saw [you] flee / As [you] ran from the marked tree." The storyline here is a bit inconsistent.
The above issues are consistent throughout your poem. The rhyme seems forced in just about every stanza. Each line should individually flow nicely into each other. The rhyming words don't match up to the story you are trying to tell. I would write out the story first and then write it in the form of a rhyming poem. This way your thoughts are already written out and you can concentrate on the rhyme.
Most importantly of all: Proofread before you post.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a fairly decent start to your poem. I usually do not care for poetry that asks so many questions. With so many of these in your poem, the reader is left with more questions than answers. The reader is forced to think about himself or herself rather than the actual poem itself. The meaning is lost because the poem is supposed to be about the poem. Not the reader. Of course, the reader is supposed to be able to relate to the poem. There is kind of a reverse interaction with the poem.
The reader is kind of inversely forced to relate to the poem. The reader is forced to answer questions about himself or herself and not actually delving into the poem itself. The poem is based off of what the reader feels and thinks rather than what the composer feels and thinks.
Instead of asking these questions, I thank that you should answer them. This will make your poem much more poetic. The poem will also be about the composer and it will draw the reader in more. The reader will be able to relate and draw out his or her own feelings from what you have written. They will not be forced to stop after each stanza to answer your question.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
The last time I reviewed one of your poems, I was left with more questions than answers. I like this poem much better than your last one. I have a few suggestions for you.
In the first line of the first stanza, I am not sure "startle" is the right word. The word "startle" means: cause to feel sudden shock or alarm. For as peaceful as your poem is, "startle" is kind of a "jumpy" word.
Your poem unravels nicely in the first few stanzas with the flow and as I continued my reading it starts to tighten up. I would suggest reading your poem out loud. When you do this you will see what I am referring to. The rhyme is good and helps the flow. However, the line lengths keep getting shorter and shorter as your poem goes on.
Overall, this is much better than the last one I read and just needs a bit of polishing up and smoothing out.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I have a strong inkling that many who read this, or try to read this, do not know French. I am one of those people. I copy an pasted this phrase into google translate. It was unable to translate the word "dordant." However, the rest of the phrase was quite lovely and poetic.
I feel like this could be a start to something really good. However, it is in French. Maybe you could do both French and English. I would try to keep going with it.
Also, part of me thinks this is just a test or a joke.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
The first line of your poem states: "I look towards the light of the night." What is "the light of the night?" I feel as though you are going to go into detail of what this is but you don't. You describe what it gives, the characteristics of it and what it does , but not what it actually is. I would try to describe what it actually is if you do not intend to mention what it is.
I think you need to unravel more. Start in one place with your poem and then slowly move to another by the end of your poem. You go from start to finish way too quickly. Allow the reader into your poem. Draw them in with flowing lines. Allow the reader to gracefully settle onto each line. Give the reader exactly what he or she needs to fully understand what they are reading and then at the end (The last two lines or so) really give them something to hold onto and think about.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
And once again, you have a great title, but fall through with your poem. I think that you just need to sit down and reform your thoughts for clarity. You mislead your reader. I think that you have an idea in your head and then when you put pen to paper it doesn't come out exactly as you mean to. It is "lost in translation" for lack of a better explanation. Do not worry. This is okay. This happens to all of us. You just have to practice. Write, write, write. That is why there is this website.
I think that you need to explain each line a bit more. You need a bit of more clarity. Remember, the reader can only understand what the composer gives them. We do not know the backstory or where your poem comes from. Only the composer knows this. So, it may make sense in your head, but it is a bit confusing to the reader.
You need to make this poem a bit more musical or poetic because of the title. I am expecting a bit more "magic" so to speak. I like the imagery you use once again, but it doesn't flow together well. I feel like your poem was written by "stream of consciousness." Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. There is a disconnect between your lines through lack of context. I think that you should sit down and write the whole story. Then, put it into the form of poetry. Note: You can keep the poem you have, just add to it.
Once again, you have the title as the last line of your poem. There is something much better waiting to be put in place of this last line.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
The subject matter here has been written about and rewritten about. It is difficult to find one that stands out nowadays. It is even more difficult to write one that stands out. I tend to stay away from writing about this subject matter.
I like the imagery you use, but your poem just doesn't stand out to me. Don't worry your poem is not the only one. It is among many others. Poetry like this follows the same standard. It is very personal and very subjective. These poems contain much of the same dark imagery. Example: "I fade." And it is most often repeated numerous times through out the poem. One common thing that is stated in many of these "brokenhearted" poems is "an empty heart" and all of the "pain" the composer feels.
What I recommend you do is to throw in some fastballs. Put in some imagery that no one has ever seen before. What is it that makes you stand out feeling this emotion and darkness from others who have felt the same thing? Or from others who have felt the "pain" of a "broken heart?"
I have a poem that isn't necessarily about a "broken heart," but it does evoke a lot of emotion. I'm not really satisfied with it because it really isn't new either. It doesn't really pack a punch like it should.
I think you have a pretty good start to your poem. I found it quite confusing, however. I like the theme and title: "Sandals in the Snow." With a bit of clarifying, I think you will have a much better poem.
I found that your title doesn't really match some of the subject matter. You tend to refer more to a person rather than "sandals in the snow" or referring to what happens while wearing "sandals in the snow." One instance is the second line of your poem: "Icy kiss of wind makes me vanish." There is no correlation between "wearing sandals in the snow" and "vanishing." The composer vanishing has nothing to do with whether or not he or she is wearing sandals.
You state "I melt under the warm,[ ]gentle caress of the sun" and then later you state that the composer is "thriving under the spreading wings of shadow / hiding from the sun." These two are complete opposites and nonlinear.
In the third line of your poem, you need to put a space after the comma. You may not even need a comma there.
You state the title of your poem as the last line of your poem. I think that you can come up with something much more creative to wrap it up. The last line (or lines) of a poem is supposed to tie up everything. The last line, here, is kind of flat. It is just an easy way to end a poem.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
I remember reading the original version of this poem. There has been an improvement. I like that you added more to your poem. Also, you didn't capitalize everything.
You are starting to draw the reader in, but there is still some room for improvement. There is always room for improvement.
I still think that you should add even more to your poem. This will really give the reader something to hold onto. You have a good start. Now keeping going!
You repeat, "watching our every move" and "the bird of our land." I would recommend only writing this once. Your poem is short and the repetition makes it a little redundant. You also use the word "guardian" twice. I would change one of them to "protector" or something like that. Be creative!
I would also work on your ending. Give the reader something to think about instead just repeating two lines from earlier in your poem. Give the reader something that really wraps up your poem. This is where your punchline should be.
I have included a link to what I think is an almost perfect poem. The ending of this poem wraps everything up, in my opinion, perfectly. Hopefully this will give you a bit of inspiration. It certainly gave me inspiration.
I am here to review another one of your poems, again. This one, so far, is the best one I have read of yours. I love the narrative, I love the rhyme, I love the subject matter, and most importantly, I love the lesson it tells.
My suggestion to you would be to read your poem out loud to smooth out the flow issues. There are a few rough edges here and there.
In the seventh stanza, I am not sure if the quotation marks need to go outside of the exclamation mark or inside of the exclamation mark. I would check into that.
In the eighth stanza, "We all have the problem..." I would say something like this "We all have the [same] problem..." or "We all have [this] problem" which will state that the problem is everyone's.
The last stanza, and especially the last two lines of your poem, really wrap up your poem nicely.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a good poem here. The subject matter is not really to my favor. But, there is not much I can do about that. I have a few suggestions for you.
You have a few missing commas throughout your poem. I believe you need a comma after the first line of your poem.
In the fourth line of the first stanza, "bare" should be "bear". The word you used means naked; unclothed or uncovered.
In the second stanza first line, I believe you need a comma after the word "But." I may be incorrect.
I think that you need a semicolon at the end of the second line.
The fifth line of this stanza is a bit hard to understand: "Teach us love was meant to share..." I think you meant "Teach us love [we] [were] meant to share."
I would take out the title in the body of your poem. Or at least put a space between the title and the poem.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem. Thank you for sharing.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a good start, but I would recommend trying to formulate your ideas a little better. Your piece needs clarity. It also needs to be proofread. Each line is very difficult to understand due to incorrect grammar, missing words, and a lack of correct punctuation.
"Somethings" should be one word.
I would suggest reading your piece out loud. You should be able to catch most of these errors. Each line reads like a run-on sentence. Mainly because each line is a run-on sentence or a combination of a complete sentence and a run-on sentence. There are many subject/verb disagreements within each line. Most of your lines have no subject.
I did enjoy reading your piece. With a lot of polishing up and elaboration, I think that this piece could go reallyfar and attract many readers. You have a long way to go. The subject matter or theme is great, but the meaning is lost with all of the errors.
Proofread before you post.
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
You have a nice short poem. I like narrative poems. Even if the story is as unfortunate as this one. I really only have one suggestion for you. This suggestion is to read your poem out loud. There are some flow issues. I think it is because you chose to contract some words. Words such as "tho'" and "'round." I think your lines sound and flow better if you put the whole word in. This is just my opinion.
I would also not put the title in with the body of your poem.
Well done!
The rating is my overall opinion.
The gift points are for effort.
The review is for everything else in between.
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