This is a lovely piece and I enjoyed reading it, but I think it's main weakness and this may help you as it is a contest entry, is that it sounds more like a poem than an article.
It reads very well, but I was expecting more explaination and longer sentences.
Beautiful work nevertheless and all the best with the contest
You have described well our complexities and how we find meaning and understanding.
I felt the piece had potential, but thought that perhaps more explaination for your line of thinking was needed. It seems that you jump right into this, and a more solid intro. might help.
always between me and the outside. - seems like the word 'world' is missing from the end of this.
This is an amazing story. I think you should try and get it published.
I really enjoyed reading it and what an ending!
I felt you were too hard on yourself. I hated the water and you had reason to hate it. You have achieved so much though. I can't believe you built a pool. A very cool idea you had about the scuba diving equipment.
A very inspiring story. Well done!
Dreams
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #931895 by Not Available.
This is wonderfully presented. Really cute idea. I can see that there are lots of writers gathered in certain states in America. They should conduct a psychological experiment
Glad he is OK. You had me worried there for a sec! I think you created the suspense well by the mention of the emergency services.
"a loud, but soft, thud" - I am not sure if this description works well. You focus on it quite a bit. I had to think quite a bit over it and still it doesn't quite make sense to me.
I love non-fiction and I think parents have great stories to tell and this item reflects that. Interesting stuff!
This is a really sad piece. You convey well your loss of a best friend. He seemed like a really unique person. I hope there are stories about him that you can share with your son.
I found parts of this confusing. You say here "none of them matched the pain of a broken heart. I've had more than my share of those but the worst of it was because of Brian." I got confused by the broken heart due to a failed relationship and that of grief.
In the middle of the story I was waiting for a but to come along. You say how he is a nice guy, but for some reason you expressed it in such a way that I felt that he was a nice guy and everyone liked him, but secretly there was something wrong with the friendship. Reading to the end of the piece that doesn't seem to be the case at all. Perhaps something to look at if other people mention it to.
broken digits - what is that?
"I've yet to stop morning and wonder if I ever will." - mourning
You build up the story well, with good use of storytelling, emotions etc.
I was anxious to read to the end of the piece to find out what happened. It is the ability of a good writer not to give everything away in the opening.
You wrote an interesting piece, perhaps more interesting to me as a Brit as I have heard fewer of these accounts. To me you have a story to tell and told it well. Fellow Americans perhaps will find less new information in this piece.
"I never would have made it there." I didn't understand this part. I would have thought you would write that you would do everything to get there.
I am glad your family is OK. I was delighted to get to the part of the story when you speak to your father. You built the tension up well and I could really appreciate with all the details about phone calls and smoking, what an agonising and long day it was for you.
I thought this was a nice summing up "I lost nothing but peace of mind as the world permanently changed for the worst."
I agree that the world has changed. It troubles me what decisions our leaders our now making. We didn't want to go to war and yet Blair ignore that and took us anyway. I think he will be voted in again. They call it democracy.
This is a beautiful piece. It flows really well and is very moving.
I thought this part flowed particularly well.
"You close your eyes and take your last breath.
Surrounded by us, you journey into death."
"One last memory with you, we each gain" - how about - we each of us? Does that sound better?
I really enjoyed this piece but felt it was lacking in its mention of the spiritual side to death. I believe that we don't all just end up together, it is a daily struggle in this life to end up in peace in the hereafter. I have read that on the day of judgement that all family will abandon one another - and will only be reunited in either heaven or hell.
I don't want to be too gloomy. I wanted to add that I also believe that a good child counts in favour of the parent in the hereafter.
Wishing you peace
Dreams
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #931895 by Not Available.
I was surprised by this piece. It is labelled as a comedy and I think the beginning lived up to that expectation. It was a very colourful description of your dreams.
However, the piece took on a more serious tone. I thought you were going to bring up the war in Iraq. I am glad you didn't mention any specific fight. I was against the war in Iraq. But can appreciate your desire to have your brother home safe.
I liked the piece but I think the two halves of the piece could be better put together. I personally felt the contrasting topic and emotions they conjure didn't work well. I do see though that theme of the rainbow is a joining thread.
I think this poll raises an interesting point about beauty. I was surprised about the results but glad that people don't think beauty is all about facial/physical appearance.
However, I do think I and most people would find it hard to adjust to a disfigurement of this nature. I think it would take a lot of time, support and reassurance to feel pretty again.
I found the results amusing. I voted with the majority, but what I thought was funny was that 10 people thought they were 'perfect in every way.' If that is the case then I am wondering what they are still doing on the site and why aren't they out there earning their millions. Perhaps they are dreaming big and thinking that you get more of what you focus on!
I thought the poll would have benefitted from the 3.5 etc. I also think that it is hard to judge your own performance. If I was to judge it against the norm then I think most of us on the site are above average, but there are some very talented people on here.
You were curious so I hope you are pleased with over 400 votes
I agree that if we have more visitors on writing.com then authors will benefit from more reviews. However, I am not too sure about the way of going about this.
You are asking the member to go to google and find sites that are related to our own. They are then asked to contact them. If this was done with an incentive from the site then I would agree that it is worth the effort. I don't think many would go to such trouble for the indirect advantage of getting more reviews on the site. I am glad you liked a group that is providing this incentive, without it I think the idea would fall at the first hurdle.
I also don't know how many webmasters would be interested in the site. It is a great site, but I think it will only really expand by genuine recommendations and not contacting anyone and everyone who might me remotely interested in what we do here. Maybe I am wrong though.
Your article is well set out and is very clear. I like the idea of the sample letter. I also liked the way you stated at the beginning that you have previously discussed direct ways as I am sure many would otherwise ask you.
This is a great site and it would benefit from more active reviewers, however, I am a little sceptical as to the success of this idea.
1.Informative
2.Reads well
3.A very moving piece.
4.Will stop and make you think.
You write very well. I loved the rhyme and flow of this piece. I love reading poetry when it is aswell written as this.
I liked the tone of this piece. The style was not forcefull, but there was a sadness in the air. And there should be considering the seriousness of the case.
You managed to write about this case in a sensitive manner, whilst giving a lot of details and facts. I am very impressed that you could do all this in a poem.
You said "It is my opinion" - letting the reader know that there is more than one side to the debate.
It is a very sad situation and your piece made me think more about it. You are right when questioning do we not have enough love to give. It is not jst about this case though. I think the problem goes a lot deeper with regards to our treatment of the disabled, elderly and mentally ill. May God help us to give more.
I re-read this and I wanted to explain my rating. You have not made clear the subject but from having read this over I believe you are writing in support of euthanasia or mercy killing. For that reason I have rated this the way I have.
Regarding you writing - you write well and your piece conveys a love and a complete story. I had to read it twice but I eventually caught all the little details in this short piece. I always base my work on both content and writing, but wanted you to also know what I thought of your writing.
I only wish you would have shown the whole story. As you have stated this subject is controversial and I stand firmly on the other side.
Taking the life of an innocent person is murder and not a mercy killing. There is nothing merciful about it. God who is most merciful says do not kill the innocent person.
I accept we have differing opinions and thank you for allowing me to review this and for being able to publicly say I disagree.
I read this out loud and I enjoyed it . It rhymed really well. What impressed me the most was your ability to tell such a complete story - with a conflict and all, in this restricted format.
I did feel at times that the sentences were too long and the rhyme did not work aswell as it could have. I think if you read this a few times you may pick up any problems with the flow.
This piece tells a complete story. I felt there were two strong emotions that came through - determination and bitterness. Maybe I am wrong.
It sounds like a very painful experience. Your daughter must have gone through a lot. I liked the description of the soldier. That worked well.
I strongly feel that children should have access to their fathers. There is a whole group set up here in the UK fighting for that. It is worrying when whole generations are growing up without fathers. Fathers think it is OK to walk away and Mothers and co. think that there kids are better off. This cannot be good for anyone. Fathers need face up to their responsibilities and only in certain circumstances should they be denied access. Just my opinion.
I like this piece. It is quite different to the usual stuff on here.
I like the whole theme of not being able to carry another person. I think many face this in life be it emotional or physical demands that are being asked of them.
I liked the use of the rock to symbolise strength and stability. However, I would suggest an authors note letting the reader know what the Rock of Gibraltar actually is. I have not heard of it and you obviously chose it for a particular reason so an explaination would help.
I really liked these words
"I cannot be your strength,
for I am but a single man."
However, I do think that you could develop this piece with some attention to detail.
For example, I cannot be your very (or total, complete) strength,
for I am but a single man.
That is just an example, but with an additional word here or there, you are able to give the reader something more. Hope that helps and Write On!
I like religious pieces like this. They speak to us all.
I like this line "You hear my whispers in the night". The night is a wonderful time to contemplate and to talk to God. I think many use it to pour their souls out.
I didn't like this line "You kneel to offer me a word" - I don't think God would do that as it suggests he is below us. I think we are the ones who should be prostrating to Him.
I liked the part about the angels. In my religion, Islam, we believe that angels are on each of our shoulders. One recording our good conduct and the other our bad.
I thought the ending was good and very true for us all. However, I did think the layout near the end needed a little work.
An interesting piece. I am not sure what to make of it really. I am not American so I don't know how this topic is being written about over there, but I had assumed when you said this was an eye witneess account you would mean it to be your own and not the statue of liberty's. That is what it is, right?
I think it is a very creative piece in that sense and you have conveyed your thoughts well. I just don't know if this topic needs more serious discussion then you have offered here.
I think it is terrible what happened and I can not imagine what is like to have witnessed that and how one would cope.
As a Muslim our religion has had to defend itself inlight of what has happened. Here on writing.com we wrote this piece to reach out to people "Invalid Item"
Your talk of imposing justice does not sit well with me. The world has seen what that means with Guantanomo and Iraq. It is not pretty picture and is in no way justice.
I think this is a very relevant issue and I am interested to read your thoughts on it...
This was written well and you made your points clearly. I don't think you neeeded the clarifications and apologises at the beginning. I think it might put some people off from reading further and it isn't that needed.
I think trust is a big issue in this whole debate and frankly I wouldn't trust a stranger and I wouldn't whole heartedly trust someone online. Perhaps in your culture you can walk into a bar and make friends that way - I couldn't.
Trust has to be earned and I think that is possible in the real world after spending a lot of time with someone, but I don't think it is really possible on the net. I have made some friends on the net but until I actually meet them they maybe completely phony. I have spent quite a few years now on the internet so I think I have a good idea of how it works and what the people are like online. I also think that poeple keep stuff from you over the net - sometimes intentiionally and sometimes not.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 8:38pm on May 02, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
This is wonderfully presented. Really cute idea. I can see that there are lots of writers gathered in certain states in America. They should conduct a psychological experiment 
This is a really sad piece. You convey well your loss of a best friend. He seemed like a really unique person. I hope there are stories about him that you can share with your son.
I was anxious to read to the end of the piece to find out what happened. It is the ability of a good writer not to give everything away in the opening.
This is a beautiful piece. It flows really well and is very moving.
I'M SENDING SMILES