I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I love your use of language. Eg. 'your fierce eyes send me tumbling to depths unknown.' Very powerful!
I really enjoy reading your words. I don't understand it all - who does with poetry lol...but I was blown away as this piece neared completion.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
The opening left me confused. You say 'you are not of my design, yet infused within your being my completion
finds breath' - I am confused by they and you, and who they are, and who is infused with who.
'except by mine' - vain or accurate? If I only knew who the other character was perhaps I could say?
'your voice will whisper, yet scream out to me' - perhaps it is better to say - yet I hear a scream?
Typos/Corrections
Again there are some minor but significant typos in this piece.
Final Words...
I know not everyone understands poetry, but I feel it is essential to offer the reader more explaination. Thanks for sharing this work and for the gps!
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I this part - 'tufts of grass that took a chance
and sprouted hopefully
after the last of nature's pity rained down'
Very poetic!
This was a very visual piece, and I imagined myself moving through the desert.
I liked the ending. It was moving and sad.
There was some interesting 'characters' in this piece. I thought the Cactus part was very creative.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I would give this item a content rating so more people view it.
I wanted to have more explaination. I would have liked to have seen your grief tied in more neatly with the desert.
I got the impression that you suddenly appeared in this piece. I would have liked to have seen a smoother transition between these two worlds.
I was left with many questions. The main one about what was this grief caused by did not seem to be answered.
Typos/Corrections
'i walk solitary in this desert terrain' - You need to caplitalise. It looks so much more professional.
Final Words...
I think this piece has a lot of potential. You have some interesting thoughts and write well. I work on explaining things more. Thanks for the gps.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I loved reading this out loud. I especially liked the opening. The whole piece generally flowed well.
I liked the different themes running through it - family life, individuality, nature.
There were some great lines in this piece. It is hard to choose one favourite one.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'the air fills with humidity.' - I think this is a little too long. There are a few other places where you might need to revise the line a little for better flow.
I would have liked to have seen a better connection between the themes.
There was some inconsistency with the first verse beginning and ending with the wind. The other verses did not work in this way.
'When you some how dissapear' - I felt 'some how' did not make good poetry.
Typos/Corrections
'When the father sies' - sigh?
Final Words...
An enjoyable read. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
A very emotional read. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I am sorry for what you have been going through. I know you don't want pity, but I hope sympathy is ok.
I can totally understand what you are saying about the little pleasures you have left. I also appreciate what you are saying about not wanting to be like this. I felt your words were very powerful when you say you would wish to take everyone elses pain...I am sorry that people have made you feel so guilty about being ill. How awful! Saying that I see that in life and sadly it is a reality for many.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I know this was written first for the friends that know you, but as it is posted here I was wondering if you could say one or two lines about your illness in the opening.
I would like to know more about it. When you started to get ill, the types of symptoms, what other people experience.
Final Words...
You mention other sufferers being able to offer support. That is good news. I think as you get older God-willing you will find better support. In my experience young people find it difficult to look past superficial differences. The net is better at overcoming this. Hopefully you will also find better ways to overcome the difficulties.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I think everyone will be able to relate to the difficulty of knowing when to put their pen down and work on something else.
I loved the insight in these words 'Like recalling a childhood memory
Something laughably stupid, a good idea at the time'
I think the piece got better as it went along.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I think this piece had a really problem with the format. The way it was presented I felt like I should be reading poetry, but there was no real rhyme and flow.
I think your work would be suited to an article format, and I would consider revising this so it can be reflected in a better light.
Final Words...
I'm happy to take another look if you make major changes.
As an ex-sufferer I could relate to some of what is relayed here. The first time it happened I thought I was very ill. I know that many feel like they are dying. I wonder why this feeling continues after several attacks?
'A short poem I wrote having a panic attack' - should it be about after wrote?
'Shift in your seat; keep your sanity in check' - I love this line. It really takes me back. There were many times I wish I was fine, and five minutes later I had bolted - hyperventilating in a corridor. Thankfully, there came a time that I could tell myself that I would be fine - stay in my seat, and actually be okay.
I found this to be quite a graphic piece and could not really relate to the second half as well as the first. I know though that everyones experinces are different.
I did wonder what you meant though by lines like 'Scratching your skin, making childish demands'
You may like to read my work on this subject "Invalid Item"
My heart goes out to any sufferer of this condition. I really do wish you well.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Well done for getting something published I am very impressed and wish you well with the sale of the book.
I suffered panic attacks in my teens and feel this is a much needed book. Not enough is written about the condition and I think just a little information can make a huge difference. I think part of the breakthrough is understanding what is happening in a panic attack, and also the understanding that you are not the only one who suffers like this. I think your book is a great idea because as an ex-sufferer you will know what you are talking about. Saying that I hope readers remember that each persons experiences are different.
This was a nice plug for your book, and I think writing.com is an excellent place to advertise it.
Your introduction was spot on in terms of the accuracy of the onset of panic attacks and the symptom of hyper-ventilation. Quite debilitating, but easy to get under control once you know how.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I would delete everything after 'This was my very first panic attack.' - I suggest this because while the rest is interesting, it starts a whole story that isn't finished here (obviously), and leaving it at that point, leaves the reader on the edge, wanting to read more.
I would also write 'about the author' section here.
Could you not write the description from the jacket cover or provide your own. Perhaps mention details about when you started having panic attacks, the symptoms and something about your fight back.
I was wondering, did you faint? As far as I know panic attacks don't lead to fainting, so why the black out?
Final Words...
I genuinely wish you well with your panic attack free life. Also all the best with the sales.
As a psychology graduate, someone who went through teenage depression and someone who is religious, I found this article very fascinating.
It was refreshing to read such a carefully worded piece that didn't overload the reader with everything under the sun about depression. I felt you conveyed all the important points in a decent length piece.
You are right that we need to turn to God. However, I am not sure if those needing to hear that message are at a place to hear it. But all we can do is try, right?
I am a Muslim and so while I might not go to the Bible for help, I still appreciate what you are saying. I think depression can be a very lonely illness, and sufferers need to know that God can help and He is there for them.
This article was well researched and I think it offers a lot of hope and useful tips.
I felt that more of an ending was needed. I felt that at times this turned into notes, and I would have liked to have seen it more developed.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I really like your brief description. That is what made me read this piece.
I am sorry you have had this awful experience. Sadly, I imagine there are others like you. It is a sad state of affairs.
I liked your opening. It flowed well. I liked the way the piece ended. There was a 'story' here, with a clear thread.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
If you read this out loud you will see that some parts don't rhyme so well. Like this 'She knew he didn't love anymore.
This was the burden she always bore.'
I would edit this a little. You used the words care and cared. I think one reference is enough.
'Have a talk from within.' - I think this could be better described. You mean a heart to heart, right?
I think sometimes rhyming poetry restricts what you are trying to say.
'that was her dad no more.' - I thought this should be on the next line.
Final Words...
You convey your feelings well. I am just sorry that it is true. Hope things improve.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
A tragic piece that was well written. I was very surprised to see that it was fiction. I didn't realise and had assumed that it was non-fiction.
There was a deep pain in the piece which I think you have done well to convey. It is a very sad story and I am sure it is happening all over the country. Our kids deserve better. This piece highlights that well. There has been a tragic breakdown of the family and the values it stands for. The kids suffer as this piece highlights. I mean where is the father?
The piece flows well and kept me gripped till the end!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I felt the opening jumped around a bit too much. I was surprised at the sudden mention of adoption. There seems to be a little too much vagueness. Some mystery is good, but I have read quite a bit and am asking a few too many questions to myself. If you can't find her, then what hope have your kids got?
I think the dialogue could be improved a little and also the transition between periods in her life. I would also leave a space between the dialogue.
I think a few more details would be good. Did you describe what she looks like? After awhile the reader sees where this is heading, but it would be good to add a few more interesting details so that the repitition does not stand out so much.
Typos/Corrections
Who is she?” I asked. - speech marks needed
Final Words...
I liked the title. I hope there are some true-life happy endings to stories like this.
I can see you are a talented writer from the opening. You use great description but I think the opening is rather long and could benefit from some editing.
I liked the description of the ocean and what it signifies in your reflections.
I thought the paragraph before the last made a good conclusion and the piece would not loose anything if the last two lines were deleted.
I feel this is very personal work and it is always hard for a reviewer to comment on such. I feel that your writing is more suited to poetry rather than prose. Your strength is descriptions. I feel that alot could be edited from this to retain the same message.
Maybe it is just me but I felt I didn't gain much from this piece. Perhaps I am just not a fan of philosophy. I would like to read your work in another genre. You write well, but I felt this piece lacked substance.
I was wondering what the point of nonsensical work was, until I read the first verse. It is probably a little harder to make me laugh, but I really enjoyed that opening verse. Very cute. Very insane lol.
The second verse was a bit of a let down. I appreciate though that it is not easy to write work to this standard, where it seems easy to make people laugh and get the flow right.
It would be nice to see what you could do with a longer piece on a different subject. I cen certainly see potential in your writing.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I enjoyed this. There was some really good choice of words. I have so many pieces on this topic and was interested to read what you had to say on it.
I liked the short sharp style. I could feel the emotion in this.
There was some great imagery in this.
I also thought it was good that you provided an ending. So many pieces like this just ramble.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
You use the word hurt twice which I would look into.
I also felt that not enough attention was given to the reasons behind the change. It wasn't clear what happened. Maybe that is personal and if it is I totally understand.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
A strange twist at the end. Perhaps we are all one and the same. I wonder why you would seem to critise, when you later admit you are the same.
I felt the opening was quite good. You have some nice touches of rhyme which I would have liked to have seen throughout.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I think the flow was interrupted by your long sentences.
'Why won’t you live your own lives?' - should it be life?
I think the piece needs better organising. In places there is better rhyme than others and in the verse before last you have gone for a completely different style. I persoanally try and stick to the same style and only maybe change it in the last verse.
Final Words...
mrziggles sent me to review your port. I hope you enjoy the reviews!
This was an interesting article. You convey a lot in it and touch on some interesting issues. I think it has potential but needs work.
'part of the job,' - full stop needed I think.
'is getting better acquainted with it' - I would get rid of the it repitition and also try and phrase this a bit better.
'Chartered pilot typically gets rented' - I didn't understand this part about rented. Meaning you work with the same people and plane? I think it could be phrased better. Also the sentence should start A...
You need to work on where you put your full stops. Also break down long sentences into two perhaps.
You write 'That time' - is this time in the third world? I would be specific as it was mention in the last paragraph and not in this one.
'while our travels leave a lot of space for disloyal dealings, it rarely is the case.' - I liked this part.
The ending was good. Very wise words.
I was wondering how your faith influences your work. Are you able to practice freely?
This was very beautifully written. I loved the depth and the rhyme and rhythm. There was some great imagery in this piece and I enjoyed the descriptions. Very impressive!
I did feel that this piece was slightly long and I got the point and meaning early on.
I also thought that the ending wasn't as good as the rest. I appreciate that is hard to achieve.
You raise some interesting points in this piece and some that I had not come across before.
I think you are in a unique position in Jordan to give us a different perspective on what is going on.
'The latest poll of a few,' - what does of a few mean?
I would have liked to have seen a more detailed article, with more facts and research. This is great, but it is a complicated issue and I feel this only touches the surface.
I really liked your conclusion. You make a good point. I think the article would be better if you explained what America's health care has to do with Middle East policy. I only saw the connection when I read the conclusion.
A very moving letter. My mother has had cancer too so I know what it is like to watch someone go through this. How old were you when this happened? I am glad that you had this time with her and it seems that you have some lovely memories. I am also glad that she had you to take care of her in her time of need.
'Though I am greatful for what we were able to resolve or to just express, I asm heartbroken by what we weren't able to talk about.' grateful and am
'remains a beautiful power of' - powerful
'The angels lifted you up[ and took you away ' - typo
'Till me meet again I will hold you always in my heart.' - we
I hope it helps writing this. There are some wonderful support forums on here. I think The Milkman runs a cancer one.
Perhaps there was some wisdom why you were to not there at the end. God does everything for a reason.
This piece would be much easier to read if there were paragraph breaks.
Do you think people want to achieve normality of happiness?
As much as I try to separate myself from what has become the "norm of society - How do you do that?
I would not say 'Let me make clear' - if you are not making sense, edit your work. I would delete that part.
Are forgetting to really experience life, perhaps? - I would delete perhaps
You make some very interesting points but I think this all could be said in fewer words without losing any of the message. I would print this and read through it again.
I agree that we are wasting our time. Why? Only each of us can answer that. You mention a lot about family, but for me it is taking time away from worshiping God. You can work and do that, but most people just keep that as a goal that they never reach. They neglect God and just hope one day they will get where they want to go. If I was you I would work out where you want to go first, and then see if by doing what you are doing you will ever have any hope of getting there. Why work only to go and live a simple life? I would cut my losses and just go. It sounds like you really want to do that and if I was you I would not wait for the right time, because in the money making world, that just doesn't come.
An enjoyable piece. If you make changes then let me know and I'll come take another look.
Welcome to writing.com. I hope your enjoy your time here.
I think w.com is a great place to convey your feelings, even if people don't agree with them, you will find many people who are willing to discuss ideas and help you improve your writing.
'Ever asked yourself that,' - question mark needed.
I would read the first paragraph over. There are full stops in the wrong places.
'also explained why which is the important bit.' - comma needed after why.
I wonder if any Christians have agreed with this statement that 'God meant it that way'. As a Muslim I believe that God or Allah has shown us very clearly of his existence. He has sent Messengers, Books and Miracles to name a few ways of knowing of his existence. In the Quran it says (and this is paraphrased) 'Do you not see the birds, who holds them up?'
God did punish those that said 'if there is a God and his punishment is true then let us see it.' God did show them. You only have to go back through history to see that, but I am not saying this as fact because afterall religion is based on belief, and I am also not saying that you have to believe. Just giving the otherside of the debate.
'Why not just live in our world where everything makes sense' - Does it? I disagree.
I think you have conveyed your feelings well, but have done little else. I doubt you have convinced anyone or changed their minds. If that was the intention of your article then I would work on research, facts and arguments, point by point. You need to support your statements.
I am a strong believer in the existence or God. I did however find this piece interesting and can see where you are coming from. You mentioned that you thought about this a lot, if I was you I would not let one book influence your whole belief system.
Peace
Write On!
Dreams
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If you make changes and would like me to look at this again then just ask.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Are your Mormon? That would explain this piece. I think you have highlighted a realistic battle people face to find the truth.
' but guilt didn’t get her to church either.' - I like that. Very well put and realistic.
I liked your characters. I found them believable in the most part. I felt you gave an accurate picture of how life gets in the way of religion.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'Lavonne Henry didn’t have a testimony' - I didn't really understand this phrase. Does it have some kind of religious meaning?
'Had never felt anything, really' - I felt this line needed attention. It is flat and interrupted the flow, although I think I know what you were trying to achieve.
'what her grandfather would thought' - would have thought.
I felt the ending was a bit rushed. I didn't believe that she would change so drastically. I would have liked to have seen a slower change, with promise of something more. Also if I read it right the granddaughter had only been studying for a few weeks, and again I found this change a bit unrealistic in the time frame. If she was changing and was close to her grandmother would not this announcement be expected?
Final Words...
I found this to be informative of the Mormon faith.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This is a very important issue to discuss. I really enjoy reading stories such as this that deal with real-life. I also loved the links at the bottom. I hope someone uses them.
I think this is a great way of using your talent. It sends out some important messages. I liked how the story developed. I imagine this one was a difficult one to write. You did well with getting the relationship with the two characters playing off each other. I liked the little twists and the way the story unravelled.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'then ran his shoes back to him.' - I can't really see her running.
I think he would throw the cup and either shout at the same time or afterwards.
'The coffee was cold.' - surprisingly cold? I mean hadn't she just made it? If it was made last night then it would be cold.
I felt the part about the previous abuse was rushed. I don't think this sounds like a woman who ever tried to leave. Even if you didn't mention this it would still be a good piece. You don't have to offer the worst possible scenario for the situation to be bad.
As this piece does not show the follow up, I would have liked to have seen him use his charm. He hit her and then apologises and rushes out embarrassed and guilty, perhaps still blaming her though for starting it. Just an idea. I think this would be more realistic. I say that because he must have some good qualities. A reason apart from fear that she stays.
I felt while the dialogue might have been realistic the arguing was a bit boring. I didn't fear for her safety enough and I wanted to.
Final Words...
You have another great plot and with some polishing I think this could be a lot better.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I liked the tone of the piece. That worked well. It was interesting and I did want to see how your main guy would develop.
I was surprised and pleased to see you had developed a somewhat complicated plot. That was really good. I like the way you brought in new characters that moved the story along. It was interesting this idea that everyone is guessing what each other are doing.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I would be more creative with my brief description. I would not say it is a good story as people will make up their own minds. Also they know it is a detective story because it falls in that category. Try something like that 'Jack finally has a case, but will he regret taking it?' Also you have labelled this as Appendix, whereas it should be labelled a short story. It is a minor point but will help you to get more reviews.
I have to say I was not going to read the whole piece because of the way this is presented, but I am glad I gave it ago because I was able to see and appreciate your plot.
You need to have spaces between different speakers and one single speaker's dialogue should not have spaces. In the opening you have hit the return key an awful lot. In it is not necessary to have every sentence on a new line.
I would avoid using caps too much. Italics is much better and you can find out how to do that by going to the top left navigation bar, it is under Author Tools.
I think it would be helpful if you read some of the writing articles on here. I have found one that might be of interest to you. "5 Tips & Advice On Writing Dialogue" [E]. You can do a search for them.
'Jack was seated in his desk, with nothing to do' - at his desk.
'He hadn´t had a case in WEEKS!' - delete the caps. They don't enhance your work and interrupt the tone and flow.
'said Jack, assleep.' - if he is asleep (note: you have a typo) how can he answer the phone? Also you gave no previous indication that he was sleeping. I would perhaps say half-asleep. I'm not sure how that is technically spelt. I tried a few different versions in dictionary.com and none recognise the word.
Money is the key for life and eternal sucess - it sounds better as key to life.
'so does speak' - so to speak?
Typos/Corrections
'´s the precise quatity of money i stealed from him.' - I stole. Also you have to capitalise the I. It is really important, but easy to fix, but the piece is riddled with this mistake.
'His bosy' - body
Final Words...
An interesting piece that is let down by presentation and style. I think these are easily fixed so that they don't distract from your writing. Hopefully then more people will read this to the end.
Write On!
Dreams
If you make changes then I am happy to take another look. Wondering about the rating? See "Invalid Item"
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I really enjoyed the opening. It was a lovely scene in the park. It sounded like their future was going to be so promising. A good contrast to what was to come.
I thought there were a lot of realistic elements in the piece. For example, the husband having enough of his wife and his wife not being equiped for motherhood.
I like the plot. The idea that people are not what they seem works well.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'Kathryn, the new mom, demanded perfection.' - I felt this introduction (especially the name) needed to mentioned earlier.
'she remembered the way the fear felt as it crept through her body.' - Was she perhaps recalling something in her awful childhood when she was fostered?
'She had little contact, not even by phone, with her mother after she was on her own, until right before her wedding day. She sent an invitation,purely out of some inbred sense of loyalty, never expecting to hear back.' - I felt this might need a bit of attention. I am not sure what the problem is, maybe incorrect usage of commas, but I felt the piece didn't flow properly.
'Beth's mother never changed over the years, only her perspective did. ' - It is not clear if this is Beth's or her mother's.
I think the content rating should be higher. This was rather violent.
The girl gets a broken nose. How can she sit there for hours? Also how can the father just leave? I understand that the marriage is breaking up but I felt that the father needed to either be more involved or totally taken out of the story (she could have been single when she adopted). I say this because I think the father would have tried to take the kids. Maybe there was some kind of custody battle or he promised to come back for them.
I also felt that perhaps it was not worth mentioning a twin. The story didn't really involve her and so I would either involve her more or eliminate her. You mention at the end of the piece that she stayed but there is no indication as to why that was.
I felt that there was an awful lot of telling rather than showing in this piece. For example when her mother changes, we are told about it first before the incident is explained. I think some dialogue might help you get away from this problem.
Typos/Corrections
'For the most part, they were able to make it through their teen years, unharmed with the exception of the hidden bruises from being slammed against the cabinets when Kathryn really became angry.' - Does the comma need to be after unharmed.
Final Words...
The piece has a lot of potential. From my experience a story as complex as this does benefit from some editing. If you would like me to take another look after you have made changes then I can do that.
Write On!
Dreams
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I love your use of language. Eg. 'your fierce eyes send me tumbling to depths unknown.' Very powerful!
Suggestions... 
The opening left me confused. You say 'you are not of my design, yet infused within your being my completion 
Typos/Corrections 
Again there are some minor but significant typos in this piece.
I know not everyone understands poetry, but I feel it is essential to offer the reader more explaination. Thanks for sharing this work and for the gps! 
this part - 'tufts of grass that took a chance
As an ex-sufferer I could relate to some of what is relayed here. The first time it happened I thought I was very ill. I know that many feel like they are dying. I wonder why this feeling continues after several attacks?