I found this piece quite interesting and very different. I think it is of a high quality and I liked the way a whole 'story' was conveyed in so few words.
I enjoyed reading about how the kids grew into adults.
I thought the piece flowed well and stayed on topic, something that is not easy when writing in this form.
I wasn't sure what this line meant "Made our bikes sound special with an old deck of cards."
And is there a typo here "Shed tears as their daughters walked down the Ile."
I like creative pieces like this. It is just a little fun. Myabe you could say how many views you actually got of this piece.
I actually came to it via your port and not your image and so I think that changes the whole reason behind creating this item.
To tell you the truth I thought you were going to have some kind of profound message here. I love little items like that because they say so much more.
This is a really sweet story. I did not know the history behind this. I thought the story was really sweet and I like how the central characters managed to get through their struggles.
You created some interesting scenes and this was a very warm and touching piece.
I think it would be better if you took off the italics and green colour. It would make your work easier to read. I find using writingML sparingly enhances my writing.
I thought it odd how they would have any leftovers when the family were so hungry.
I thought this was written really well. You showed a really nice relationship here. I liked how you built that up.
The characters really shone in this piece. The reader really saw their personalities.
I liked all the little descriptions. I thought the ending was really sweet. I think the story was quite unique and held my interest.
A few more thoughts...
"slammed the door to her office against the wall and then banged it shut - I was confused by this line. I don't understand how she slammed the door against the wall?
Do you think we should be told that the phone is ringing before she answers it?
I liked the way that the start of the conversation pulled us into the story and we discovered some of the drama unfolding.
I was little confused here "Jack paused before adding, "Have you thought about leaving?" - because I didn't think he was adding to what he had said, as she had been the last person to speak.
Beautiful. I hope things are looking better for you. I know these feelings well. This is a touching piece. I like the questions and the flow of the writing.
Welcome to the site. I think it is a great place.
all the best
Dreams
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This is an interesting piece. Full of details and descriptions of what you saw. It was interesting to read about where you went and the adventures you had.
I would have liked to have seen more dialogue used in this piece. I think it would breakdown all the description.
I think spacing between the paragraphs would greatly help the reading.
I don't understand this line "Airports kick me into a state of being reserved only for their junk shops, security gates, and departure lounges"
Your travels reminded me of my own to India. I am glad you were able to learn about the Islamic way of life. I would love to hear the adhan being called every day. Living in the UK I have to suffice with an adhan clock on the computer - which is still nice though.
I have a port full of items on Islam and a few travel stories, if that interests you.
Welcome to writing.com. This is a really great site.
Dreams
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I am no poet but I enjoy reading poetry that rhymes. Saying that I love reading your work, and I don't think it all rhymes.
A poem has to have depth. That is what I love about your poetry in general. I coming away learning something about you and the world in general.
Honestly, I didn't enjoy this as much as your other work. Perhaps if you have touched on other issues of the perfect poem. I often find great poetry that doesn't rhyme, but especially Newbies I find put the heatr and soul into the words. That comes across and I enjoy reading that.
I love the sig and you raise an interesting question about what is good poetry.
Not being able to forgive can cause even more hurt inside. So much anger and blame builds up. Even if the other person does not say sorry - it is so liberating to just be able to move on.
Your poem was a lovely prayer. It flowed well and was so very touching and meaningful.
I think many will enjoy reading this.
Write On!
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I would perhaps put the prompt in italics to keep it away from the actual writing.
I liked this line "twirling his whistle on his finger and shifting back and forth on his feet like a marathon man readying for a race"
In the first paragraph I would have an extra line between the speech and text.
"The first guy in the red shiny basketballs " - basketball
"panting like a dog lost in the desert." - Love this description.
"winner in the face. He just wiped it off with the rest of the sweat that was pouring down his face." - I would try not use face twice so close together.
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Opening
I really liked how the reader was thrown straight into the action. It made for a very good opening. However, while the last line of that first paragraph was needed I thought the paragraph ending on this note did not seem appropriate. All that drama just for a good view?
Paragraph 2
You have mentioned "the other boys" twice, and so I would rephrase that. Also if they are significant characters then I would give a little more detail as to who they are. As you mention twice in one paragraph (and yet do not give us teh crucial info. about who they are) I would remove their inclusion if they are not significant to the story. At this moment I think the reader starts to want a few details and not have to wait for everything to come clear at a later date.
I like the build of the story here. That works really well. I can see you have a very creative mind.
I thought this sentence needed some work "Even the night dragons were a source of fascination, but he hoped against hope that this would not be one of those dread black dragons come south to feed, for though that would be exciting to see, it was one of the famous day dragons that he really wanted to see." It is too long and awkward.
Paragraph 3
"greatest of knights, nor even was" - full stop needed not comma
Fantastic description! You have done a wonderful job with this.
Paragraph 4
"Elian’s chest began to hurt and he" - remove and and start new sentence.
Paragraph 8
‘Wow!’ Elian breathed. ‘That was amazing! She’s so beautiful.’ - Is this line needed? It comes in the middle of a piece that is as yet without any other dialogue
I liked the build of the story. The dragon moving was done really well. I think him going after her creates the suspence, but there is an awful lot of doubts about the characters thoughts etc. I would state them as fact. I think that would read better. He should know why he followed.
The dragon speaking was really good and so too was this description "twisting and tightening his gut like wool being wound into a ball"
"The strange thing was that the touch on his mind did not feel alien." - This line was confusing and was only really explained later.
I think the dialogue at the end needs some editing. There is a lot to explain but it should be done more concisely.
I thought this " I am Ryshell, your dragon." was a very satisfactory last line.
This is beautiful. I am glad I finally made it back to your port. I was deeply touched by your writing, the emotion in this piece and your strength.
It must have been very hard and yet you coped with such dignity. You welcomed your son into your hearts and lives. It is beautiful the way the kids know him too and you have not shielded them from this joy mixed with sadness.
I loved the explaination of his name. I can see that it is a very fitting name, and I am glad that I had the chance to learn more about the companions of the Prophet. I did not know that Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) will be with all the children. Can you tell me anything more about this?
I thought the piece could benefit from an authors note with a bit of background, as many readers might not have read the first part of this. I thought a little of the dialogue could be edited (the part back at the house) just to make it simpler. But not essential. This is a very personal piece and I am not sure if you want to edit anything. Your friend's advice at the mosque was very touching. I had not thought about him acting as an intercessor for you. A real blessing.
May Allah give you the strength to cope with your loss.
((hugs))
Dreams
"and enhanced it" - this part I thought coud be revised.
A very warm and touching read. As I have been in contact with the homeless, this did bring back memories. It is a really hard time of year. So cold outside and yet they sit there for hours. It is as if we some how think they must be warmer than us, but no doubt they are alot colder. How do they do it? We all know why.
This story flowed well, although I thought the ending was rushed and some what unrealistic. I loved the humour in the piece - the showing of the cards etc. Very nicely done. I also really liked your descriptions. You bring the piece to life
Thank you for highlighting such an important topic.
An interesting piece. I like your reminded of death and how we should try and make the most of what we have, because not everyone is so fortunate. I liked the opening and especially this line "we must live to die."
I thought the middle from this point on "With my pencil I sit..." needed some work. I am not convinced you know what you want to convey and confusion doesn't make very interesting reading.
The ending makes one think.
Well done on the awardicon and thanks for those gps that you sent.
It flowed really well, but more than that it was the ending that really HIT me. I have thought this many times.
I am a religious Muslim and am of the mind that know onw knows whether there is life afte death, but God has guided us and when we do find out in the end, I would rather be on the safe side
I strongly believe that this life is just the beginning as we know it. The is too much pain and suffering for this to be it. The purpose is much higher than all this.
The content of the piece really does make you think. Death will come and we do have a choice.
It will be interesting to see how we all choose to use it. This is a good reminder about accountability, so thank you for that.
Write On!
Dreams
Welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy it here. I have set up home here. It is a really nice place
I am really glad I came across this article. I am a Muslim. It is very encouraging to see something positive being written about a Muslim. I am sure there are many non-muslims who have a lot of good to say about our faith and who do not judge us by the media. But it makes a change to read such positive thoughts.
I was very upset when I heard that Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens) was deported in this way. Your media may have not reported his previous deportation but the British press did report it. When allegations are stuck with more allegations, you only create a mess. It is not facts or lies.
I have not met Yusuf Islam, but have heard a lot about him. I feel like I know him. I admire his work, like you do. I think we both agree that this sitution was appalling. He is a man of peace and would never knowingly get involved in such a thing. What does it say about the world when such upright, religious, God-fearing, peace-loving men are treated in this way? He is famous and at least he had that in his favour. What about those who do not have the name to go with this kind of treatment?
I would love to see more people read your work. I share the concerns you raised at the end of your article.
I can see you have put a lot of effort into this piece. It is a very informative article. People need to know what is happening in the world.
What amazed me about this whole situation was Yusuf Islam's reaction to it. He is a real role model for our community. I was truly amazed by his level of calmness and patience.
I had a few suggestions for this piece
"to his church" - I think you meant mosque or Muslim community
I would look at the structure of this piece. You have a lot of short paragraphs and one liners. I would group some of them together, and perhaps edit this a little to add more punch to the main points.
You mentioned his daughter returning with him. I think they returned seperately. I maybe wrong.
What was also interesting about this case was that a British politician had to intervene. They had got the wrong guy. They should have admitted that at the earliest opportunity and done everything to rectify the situation. I feel sorry for all those who have had to suffer a similar fate.
As you go to vote today I think this is a very relevant article. I share your pro-life view and I think it must be very hard voting when one chooses to support the killing of the unborn, and another chooses to support the killing of innocent people abroad....Harsh view? Maybe a little
I share and respect your view about the family and how our governments need to have more morals.
I felt that your essay was in some was apologising for your pro-life view. I would add the note about rape at the end. Also you don't need to consider other pro-life views in the article. A stronger article would be if you gave your opinion and made it clear that it was your own.
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This review is being given via "
I think it would be better if you took off the italics and green colour. It would make your work easier to read. I find using writingML sparingly enhances my writing.
"slammed the door to her office against the wall and then banged it shut - I was confused by this line. I don't understand how she slammed the door against the wall?
I liked the way that the start of the conversation pulled us into the story and we discovered some of the drama unfolding.
I have a port full of items on Islam and a few travel stories, if that interests you.
This review is a gift through "
It is so very sad. You write very well, drawing the reader into your world.