A very gripping read. I read this as if it was non-fiction and I was hooked. It was a very powerful and disturbing piece.
You write very well. It is a creative piece with a nice pace and you have tapped very well into this dark mindset.
You really had me feeling for the main character and I willing for her to be OK. Pieces like this make me think of all the kids out there who are suffering. We need to think about them more. So thank you for sharing this.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I am glad you covered this issue as it is such an important one.
I don't think I will ever understand why we are so selfish and why we don't help one another. The homeless are some of the most vulnerable in our communities and yet we don't help them. I think society is to blame for not educating the young about them. If we don't know where they are coming from, then all we do is make up stories and don't give their lives the meaning and value that they deserve.
I thought the imagery was good in this piece. You did well with the flow too. From what I have seen the homeless have very poor teeth, and generally their state of health is quite bad.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I think some more structure would help the flow of the piece.
I think one of the major weakness of the piece was the number of spelling mistakes. I know as a Newbie that is an easy mistake to make. The good thing is that it can be easily changed
Typos/Corrections
'Darkness is my home now. my shelter ' - delete full stop.
'or intrest' - interest
'Darkness hides a welth of misfourtone ' - typos.
Final Words...
Welcome to this wonderful site. I hope you enjoy it here.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I enjoyed the creativity in this piece. It was really entertaining to see things from a cat's perspective.
I felt that the rhyme when it came in certain places worked really well. I actually loved it. But I didn't feel that this flow was maintained throughout the piece.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I don't know why but I am a cat hater (although hate is a strong word. It is more of a phobia that I wish I didn't have and don't know how I developed). But saying that I feel I understand Prince Kot He has my respect.
''Here’s the basket I was born,' - I felt there was a word missing or something like that. Where I was born perhaps?
I thought this was pretty gross and maybe does not fit the E-rating 'My secret toilet on your plate.' It could be seen as funny, but I just felt your piece would do better without it.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
An interesting piece. You will be surprised to hear that I am currently finishing a piece on a similar theme.
I don't why I have always been jumpy about being left home alone, even in daylight. How weird is that. Perhaps it was from watching too many scary movies or something. I used to live in an old house in which the floorboards would creek as if someone was upstairs when they were not...And no it wasn't ghosts lol. The house was not that old and I don't believe in them.
I like the structure of this piece. It flows well and had me hooked.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I felt the major weakness in the piece was that for me there was no really ending. What happens next? Did I miss something? Perhaps I did and if so I'll be happy to look at this again.
Final Words...
I found this on the public review page and I am glad others enjoyed it like I did.
This was beautiful. There was a certain mystery in this especially in the opening. I was wondering who this was about - God, a spouse - I was wrong both times.
I really enjoyed reading this. Your words were powerful and moving. They were filled with emotion. Really good stuff.
I was left confused about how you can remember someone you don't know. It all fitted into place in the end (but perhaps not as nicely as it could have).
A positive piece that flows well. This is for all the single people out there.
This was a very interesting piece. To be honest with you I didn't get the point you were trying to make. If it was so obvious at least the reader should see it clearly as it is being spelled out to them.
This was a really moving piece. Very tragic and I learned a lot. Did you think people had missed the point that this was not a story and was in fact real life? You told the story really well, with a lot of interesting details.
I found this rather awkward ' I had grown used to the fact that in the majority of my classes, I was by far the oldest student in the class and in this case, I had perhaps 15 years on the professor as well.' - It is long and too many mentions of class, classes.
Did people really tease you and call you Grandma? When I was at university I came across a mature student and we were in a line for something and I thought that he was a teacher (maybe others innocently did aswell). It is a little difficult for all on those first few days.
I would delete almost 'for the past almost two hours'
An interesting piece exploring different cultures and complicated relationships.
I felt the opening needed more drama. Keep it short and sharp and to the point. You have a lot of Susan did this and then Helen did that. Too many names and not enough going on (in my opinion ). I would like to see what is going. How do you show someone is on a diet? Perhaps try and break this up with dialogue. Ask someone how many calories the food contains.
I was wondering about this 'even I know you can't trust everyone at his own word these days' - Can you trust some strangers? Is it because he is from Saudia Arabia that is causing the problem?
I was surprised by the name of the man and at first thought it was inappropriate but as the story went on I thought you did really well to elimainate myths and stereotypes. Well done!
You said he shook their hands. Just wanted to let you know that Muslim men and women do not shake the hands of strangers (the term in Arabic is more precise - non- Mahrem, which means those you are legally allowed to marry).
I really enjoyed this piece. I agreed with a lot of what you said. I agree that men and women bring very different things to a relationship, and we need to recognise that rather than looking for something that isn't there. Sure we can compromise at times and give and take, but expecting men to express the problem, and women to just fix it, isn't going to happen very often.
I loved your little examples. I am amazed at how you gave up your job. I wish more women showed such wisdom. I think society really suffers with so many women working. Like your son said to you, kids need their mums at home. It is isn't about women's liberation and this and that, at the end of the day you were strong enough to see the reality. I respect you for that. Many would have come up with a hundred excuses as to why they still think it is better to work.
I would have like to have learned more about relationships in general and not just the marital one. I think a lot of this article touched on effective communication. That is also greatly needed between siblings and parents and children etc.
'People thought I was insane when my 9-year-old son reminded' - They thought you were insane to quit, not because he said something to you, right?
'for my honey the details' - Should it be Honey?
The award was well deserved. Words can only say so much, everyone at the end of the day needs to see action. As Muslims we are encouraged to enjoin good and forbid evil - for the life of me I can't understand why I do this least with my family. You encourage friends, advice them etc. But with family, you kind of let things be. But by creating a life for yourself and for them, that involves doing good, speaking good etc. You are giving them gift of real love (the kind not found when you give them chocolates lol). I say this because I wonder when my loved ones are gone, what I will regret. I will worry for their hereafter and think did I do enough to help them on their journey.
Got a bit side tracked there Just something I think about.
This was a really cute piece. I don't have kids but I can imagine how hard it is to get them to do anything - especially if they are a dragon lol.
I love the creativity in this piece and the relaxed tone of it. It flows well.
I would have liked to have seen a bit of a twist or something at end. The pattern was clear, but I think something different was needed for the ending.
A very powerful drama. I hope you have entered contests on here. I think you could do very well.
I love the pace of the piece. The attention to detail is great. I could easily see this child's world. I felt really sorry for her. You great get conflict and drama.
I thought the father was realistic. The calm and anger mingled together. I don't think she would be surprised to see her mother alive. I think she would have reacted worse if she really believed that had happened downstairs. I also think should would have acted a bit differently when he came up. Would you ignore someone who beats you?
' voices wash over me, crash into me' - I don't think they can go over and into you.
'She smiles at me encouragingly.' - If you see the smile how can you miss seeing the face?
A great ending to a powerful read. I would like to see this developed into a longer story.
I read this thinking it was fiction, and then I realised my mistake. Sometimes we read these pieces and think that can't possibly have happened - clearly it did. I am sorry for your struggle and his. It is very tragic that he fell so hard and fast.
It was wonderful to see him grow, as the years on drugs had stunted his growth emotionally - I would try and rephrase this as it was awkward.
And then, like a dream, it was once again gone. - I felt this came on to sudden.
Just like a train wreck you don't want to look - look at
'I struggled to grasp what could have happened in the two weeks I was away.' - I think you need to mention this earlier as I was confused. I thought you had just stepped out for the day.
The whole time I felt there was too much concentration on the house and the mess. If this was a piece of fiction it would seem a bit trivial and irrelevant. However, I know it was true and I can also see that this was a very significant moment in your lives and it just happened to concentrate around a messed house that was symblic of so much more. I would if I was revising this try and look at both sides of this as a piece of non-fiction, and what one would read into it if they thought it was fiction.
A passionate piece. I like it all. You are very talented. I can easily see that. You describe two every different pictures and I can easily see and understand both.
I would have liked to have seen a connecting verse to join these two worlds. Also I felt that the ending was heavily focused on oneside and would have liked to have seen something a bit more positive.
I feel sorry that this is such a demon and I am sure many can relate to that. It is awful when something like this becomes a type of addiction. But like with all thinking patterns and behaviours they can be improved. So there is hope. I hope you feel that in some small way.
At first I was confused about what you were asking. I thought you were not aware of the no rating function. But I think what you are saying is that even when you request ratings you should be allowed to say they must come with a review. Is that right? I personally love reviews and I don't see the point in just ratings as the rating system isn't exactly the best. I have seen pieces that are published getting 4 and 4.5 on here. Strange.
I think you have raised an important issue but would have liked to have seen more clarity in your poll. You have often said 'same as above' and it gets very difficult to follow. I would write each statement seperately. Also you have asked a few questions so it is difficult to work out what question the poll is answering. I think all of this needs looking at again.
I think a review says so much more than a rating. If you make changes and want me to look at this again then please ask.
I have no idea. This should be listed in the mystery category . So do tell. Who are you?
I think 'Not your knowledge' shoudl be on a seperate line.
'I see you naked anyway' - Is anyway needed?
This piece was interesting. Sometimes when people describe something they go for the most boring of characteristics. You haven't. You obviously want us to believe that all this makes up something very interesting, and I am convinced...I just need to know what it is .
If a job needs urgent attention then I am good at getting it done. If I can leave it a bit then I will
I think many can relate to your piece although I think you put a rather more gloomy look on it. I am not convinced that procrastinating has such awful consequences. I think the only context in which it really does is with faith. I find that all the 'I'll do it tomorrow' never come and human nature is to forget the promises that you have made...and I won't really realise until it is too late.
The piece flowed well and I think you did well with the subject in hand. It could have been described in such boring terms, but you turned it into a serious subject.
I felt the major shortcoming of the piece was that you kind of said everything that needed to be said but in more words then were needed. I think the piece could benefit from a little editing.
I like this poll because I love getting reviews and giving them. I think everyone appreciates feedback and I doubt anyone would say no to gps with that too.
I think the best reviews are the ones that are encouraging. If they point out a few typos and grammar mistakes then that is great too. I love indepth reviews if I am entering a contest or feel particularly passionate about a subject. I love it when reviewers want to discuss my work and not just say 'great job'
I would delete this part 'I cry for an hour if someone says something bad about my work.' - I think that is bringing in your own biases into the statement. Some people might like just compliments (for many different reasons) but I don't think anyonw would click this exaggerated statement.
I would be surprised if anyone voted for this option 'I don't let anyone review my work. It's far too personal for me to share with the cruel, heartless world.' as anyone from black case and above has work in their port to review.
Generally I thought the review was well set out and easy to follow. I would have liked to have seen an option about review length.
Welcome to writing.com. I hope you enjoy your time here.
An interesting piece. I have heard of people who have a need to lie all the time. I imagine it causes a lot of damage and must be very exhausting.
I think the opening up to the this line 'Without hour upon hours of searching,' needs some attention. It was awkwardly phrased and like the line I just highlighted it didn't make much sense.
I like the whole drowning concept. I think that worked well. I think with every behaviour there has to be a reason to change, and pleaseing God is a pretty good one.
I would delete this part 'if there is one' and either just assume there is one or not refer to it at all.
I am guessing that in part this is true and I wish you well with your quest. I also think that you need to give this a content rating so that more people will be willing to come and read it.
Your work sounds like the voice on a documentary. It flows nicely, sounds intellectual but I am just a bit puzzled by what it all means.
I found this on the plug page and was interested because you said that 'Islam was just the smallest of our problems.' That is quite a controversial statement to make, however, if you answered the question as to why you wrote in then I didn't get far enough to read that part.
I don't often read 18+ items, but would have read on except you gave such a strong warning for the rest of the piece that I wasn't comfortable to. However, I am glad you gave the warning. If I had perhaps understood the aim of the article, or the direction it was taking then I would have read further. I sadly felt that the point of the piece was to disturb. If you want to create some kind of awareness then is there not a less disturbing version of the point you are trying to make?
If you want more people to read this I would give the piece a clear brief description.
An interesting little piece. Amazing what a few lines can convey. This was quite a deep piece. If you want the freedom then why not break away? By waiting for others to change, you are giving them control and may never get what you want.
You say 'I think.' The way that interrupts the piece to me shows that you are really confused and in doubt. Not a nice place to be. I guess loneliness is a tough one. We all face it from time to time and eventhough we don't choose it, it is best to get on with it and find some good in it. More time for writing?
'happiness is better off the other way' I am not sure what you meant by this. I liked the last line. It was kind of a dark twist.
I hope you had fun writing this. I think it is great to use this place to vent and share ideas.
There was a strong message here. It was clear and I liked that. I knew exactly what you meant. I like the content.
I agree that we need to fight Satan to our last breath. I like the way your piece addressed our shortcomings but said that there was hope. If there isn't hope then what is there right.
I especially liked the opening and I think many people will be able to relate to it. In Islam there is a term known as the inner jihad (not much talked about but so very important). It is basicially about fighting our inner Satan and demons, desires etc.
I think the rhyme and flow need quite a bit of work. For example verse 4 was a bit all over the place. I think counting syllables helps to get the flow right.
Hope you get some more reviews for this. I notice on your handle that you are looking for an upgrade. Have you tried angel resources? It can be located on the left hand side navigation bar under gift point tools. All the best with that.
I really love the rhyme and flow of this piece. It is very uplifting to read.
I was confused about the mention of Alpha etc. They are stars (I checked in my dictionary). Is this piece about God or guiding stars?
I took it to be about God and found great comfort in reading this piece. I love being reminded about God. You are right that he does forgive us if we ask sincerely. I am left wondering why when He is willing to help us so much we just don't ask?
You tell the story really well. It keeps a nice pace and there are some nice twists in it. I can also understand the changes in you and in your giving as you grow up.
'As I walked over to one of the chair I stole a glance at my new adopted grandma.' - chairs
You said 'I thought about talking to her a couple times but never did because I figured that since the program was over, she didn’t want or need a adopted-granddaughter anymore' - I don't understand. Why did the program end? I am guessing it was not just because of her needs or lack of them. I am wondering if perhaps there were other reasons why you didn't talk to her.
'It would be the first Sunday of the month and then the last Sunday' was this a conscious schedule?
'Sunday was the only day of the week that she looked forward to now because she knew that there was a chance that I would be there to talk to her. ' How sweet and touching and awesome is that! It really shows that a small act can make a big difference. Older people find it hard to find anyone to talk or listen to them.
'Two weeks ago I finally meet one of Mildred’s children after church' met
A beautiful ending. I loved the conclusion. A great message. This was such a pleasure to read. It really reminded me how we can all make a difference. It is so sad to think there is even one person in this world that needs something that we could easily give to them be it a hello, smile or penny.
I was really impressed how well you told the story in rhyme. I really enjoyed the first half. I thought with a little editing it would make a really good song. However, I felt that after her dad showed up the flow and rhyme was interrupted. I think that whole part needs another look.
'But she can't find any more' - does fight sound better than find?
I think this line 'But most people don't even care' would read better if it was 'But most just don't care'
I felt this whole paragraph beginning with 'Life may get rough' is going in a different direction. I like what you did at the end, but in the middle here it doesn't work in my opinion.
I enjoyed this and I can really see your writing potential.
Write On!
Dreams
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A very gripping read. I read this as if it was non-fiction and I was hooked. It was a very powerful and disturbing piece.
I am glad you covered this issue as it is such an important one.
Suggestions... 
I think some more structure would help the flow of the piece.
Typos/Corrections 
'Darkness is my home now. my shelter ' - delete full stop.
Welcome to this wonderful site. I hope you enjoy it here.
He has my respect.
A great entry. It fits the prompt perfectly. It is a really amusing story. I can't believe those ladies said that!