I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I felt the piece flowed well. There were nice touches of imagery.
There was a lot I agreed with in this piece. Just because we live in the UK or US that does not mean we don't feel the poor people in the Middle East who are being oppressed in this awful 'game.'
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'Black and Brown, Yellow, Red,' - What is this describing?
I was confused by the ending which is a shame because it is such a signifcant part of the piece.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
'We can accomplish in an hour or two what a "normal" school takes all day for.' wow! That is great.
I think that this is great. It is lovely that you can share such a positive experience. I am quite religious myself and I struggled in school because of the environment. I think it is lovely to be able to provide kids with such a nurturing environment such as this.
I would be worried about doing this myself for a few reasons. 1) The kids would be different to the rest. 2) How would I teach them subjects that I am poor in. 3) I think they would miss out on socializing with their peers.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I was a bit confused at the beginning with the long explaination about semesters etc. Maybe because I am a Brit. I was also confused about whether one child was home schooled or all of them were.
'(we use the local community college for lab science & advanced math in high school)' I think this needs a bit more attention.
I felt your ending was very abrupt. What do the kids think? You didn't address this. Also do you have less time to yourself?
If anyone is wondering about doing this what things would they have to think about and do you have to be very academic to teach your kids. What is the hardest part about doing this?
I like the list format and I think the whole article and not just 'other reasons' should be in this format.
There is a lot of food for thought her. I think maybe this would work better with an extended family where other adults could take certain lessons. I can certainly see the advantages of it. I am glad your kids are doing so well. So nice to hear something positive for a change.
Write On!
Dreams
If you would like to donate to the group I am raising gps for then please go here "Invalid Item" and say I sent you. Thanks!
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
You have a wonderful talent of describing things. This is really rich in descriptions. I think anyone reading this could imagine all the little scenarios. I loved the childish innocence and the little sign about the paint. I think touches like that were cute.
I think this is quite a creative way of telling someone about yourself. It works a lot better than a list!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'I can tell that she carries it around with her everywhere' - How can you tell? Any marks?
'She is describing the experience of losing her first tooth' - I found this line a bit odd.
I think this piece meets the prompt nicely but as a piece of writing I felt it was long and drawn out and was wondering for the punch line or action. Which really didn't come. The ending worked well, but I think the reader might expect more from such a long and detailed piece.
Final Words...
I loved the care-free nature this child had.
Write On!
Dreams
If you would like to donate to the group I am raising gps for then please go here "Invalid Item" and say I sent you. Thanks!
A wonderful piece and I share your feelings. it is disgusting what is happening in the world and you no longer know who is right and who to trust. It should be our own leaders but it is clearly not them that we can turn to.
'Lucky for us, we won't be there anyways' - thought this line could be improved.
You made some great points in this piece. I loved a lot of them. 'Everyone can make a speech about defeating terrorizing regimes,
But now we're becoming the greatest danger to them it seems,' - How true is that!
I think the piece could really benefit from some breaks. Also you don't need to part in brackets in your title. It reads better without it.
A great ending too! You might want to check out a piece in my port called 'Islam Behind Bars' that discuss freedom of speech.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This is on a very important topic. Did you have to do some research for it?
I found the images you created were very vivid. You told many stories in this piece about human suffering. It paints a very sad and tragic picture.
It is hard to believe that such suffering exists in the world. I have been to India so I have seen more than some. I think we all need to see to appreciate what the reality is. The world is bigger than the UK and US.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I really felt the piece suffered because it was in rhyme. It is hard to get effective rhymes in such a piece and many times the flow was interrupted. I would try and read this piece out loud to see if you can spot the problem areas.
Typos/Corrections
'Stench of Human odor,oozes through the pound' - I think it should be a lower case h.
I would delete the huge gap at the end of the piece.
Final Words...
Thanks for sharing this fascinating piece. Is there hope for them?
A moving piece. Was this difficult to write? So much to say but not sure how to convey it and at the end of the day who is listening...Still I admire this effort.
I think this piece touches on many different aspects. It is hard to know what makes these people tick and how to reach them.
I liked the way you did not attack any particular faith. I am a Muslim and I really appreciated the tolerant tone of the piece.
With the London Bombings we here are trying to understand why this is happening. I think our politicians need to be asking the same questions. But as is always with these cases they say now is not the time..when will it be?
I write a lot of pieces on Islam that I hope educate Muslims and non-Muslims about the peace loving religion that I belong to.
I love the content. There is so much hope in this piece. I am religious and I believe the first step is to identify our own mistakes. Things can improve. We can ask for God's forgiveness and if we are sincere He will grant it.
I felt the rhyme and flow needed work. I felt that the words were too forced. Sometimes you were trying to say too much. It is perhaps best to discuss different issues in different pieces. If you look at the verse structure you will see where the problems might lie.
'A sin that darkens my heart.
And everything gets dark.' - Maybe try something other than dark.
I think the end of the first verse needs work. Many writers add this when trying to work something out in the piece, but it doesn't offer the reader much.
I hope you are free of this sin that you speak of. We are human and we all make mistakes. The best thing we can do is to try and stick to the straight path and when we get lost to turn back to God.
Some question why we are here and you are saying the question doesn't matter? We are here and we should get on with it? That is what I understood from this piece. Does religion have a place in this idea?
'Breath in our lungs when we wake.' - I felt this line needed some work.
I love the ending. There was a conclusion which many people forget in their work.
I am fascinated by other people's lives and how we are all different but the same. You can learn a lot from other people and the way they live which I think is wonderful.
I think there is a lot of repitition in this piece. I think that would work better if the piece was longer, as it would offer the reader more information too.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I love being reminded about God. There are many similarities between Christianity and Islam. I am guessing you are Christian although you do not mention Jesus (peace be upon him) in this piece. Do you know we consider him a prophet?
In the Quran God gives Himself many names and one of them is King. Which I thought was quite interesting when I was reading this piece.
This is a passionate piece. I am sure that you will find God and his love if that is your wish. Those that strive for this goal I am sure will be successful. God tells us to ask of Him, so just ask Him to guide you.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I thought this line was a little odd. 'That I might love you, I might love you' - maybe add the word still at the end?
'As far is the sky is His love for us' - I think you might want to look at this line again. It might need a comma or changing.
Typos/Corrections
'Sreams of love will flow' - typo
Final Words...
I think it is lovely that you want to be close to God. In Islam we believe that we can not see God is this world. But it is very important to try and get close to Him in a spiritual way.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This is an interesting piece. I am not a gardener but I think it would be helpful for one. You seem to know your stuff! This has a lot of detail.
I like the layout. It reads like a magazine column. Very nice!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
Will you be answering more questions? Perhaps you could set up a forum although I do prefer this format.
You say a few times that you are not an expert. Only need to mention it once and not put your work down. I think you have offered a lot of details here. If you get stuck on a question perhaps you could try googling it.
Typos/Corrections
'garden(less maintenance) and ' - space needed before bracket.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I enjoy cooking and this recipe has my mouth watering I have fun cooking new dishes but I get nervous feeding it to other people and I hate to see food go to waste if I or they don't like it.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
There were a lot of unfamiliar ingredients in this piece and I would have loved to see pictures of the finished dish and ingredients to help identify the. Also descriptions of the ingredients would be helpful.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Wow! This is really cool. I have done my own newsletter and know how much effort goes into them. I love this. I think the title and style is great.
I think the best part of this is the images. Who made them? A lot of people plug other people's work, but it kinda all gets lost in one long list. I like this new initiative and it is a great community item.
Really cheap advertising too! Another great idea. Can anything be plugged there? Like a story?
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I wasn't too keen on your choice of poll. Only because of the way it was presented down the page and presentation is important in a newsletter. Also there is a typo in the poll.
I was wondering how you chose the items to feature. It would be good to add that detail to the newsletter. Is there a committee or criteria? If you have one or both then people are more likely to click the links.
Final Words...
A great job and I appreciate the effort you have put into this.
I felt the conclusion of this was spot on. Perhaps you feel things too deeply. I have been told that I am over sensitive. I take that as a good and bad thing.
I like the whole violin and heart strings, but I think if strings is not a theme throughout then I might reconsider mentioning it in two places.
Wow! I love this. I can so relate to the topic under discussion. I think most people can. It is hard to watch others suffer in this way.
I felt this piece rhymed and flowed really well. I was very impressed hence the five stars. I just loved the way you brought nature into it and I could just picture the whole scene.
What an ending! I love intelligent, optimistic twists like that. We can pray for the people we love and hope that they will shine soon too.
I found myself easy about to relate to your personality traits. I love reading non-fiction. I am a bit nosy like that.
'And yet I have been living with friends and now family so I have been daily surrounded with people' - I thought this could be phrased better.
You answered questions that one might have or assumptions that people might make.
'Being alone does not mean being lonely. ' - really? I am glad.
'I have died a thousand times and lived a thousand lives. Am I too bold to say that?' It sounds poetic but I don't know what it means so I can't say if it is being bold.
This is a nice piece and you convey a lot in it. Nice to get to know you better
Another useful article. I think it is great when someone can give advice having tried and tested it.
Here are some suggestions for improvement:
'What should I pack for a year.' - missing question mark.
'On the up side, I've done this twice now and never had a problem or had to pay a fee.' - How did you avoid this. It didn't seem to be addressed.
I've been to India and you are right that deodrant is not that common but it is not rare and you can get it in the supermarkets.
'If you are an avid reader bring lots of books' - I think most on this site will be and my experience of India is that getting books is a big problem. But I imagine that taking them with you is too. I liked those books that have like four stories in one. Also maybe suggest good websites to buy on-line or places to read on-line as internet cafes are more common.
I love the catchy title. I like the way your opening got straight into answering the question, but by the end of the first paragraph you had done a complete U-turn. I am wondering if you had rushed this a little. Still it keeps the reader gripped.
For someone interested in pursuing this avenue you give lots of information and walk them through all the stages without the rose coloured glasses.
Are air fares so difficult to juggle considering the budget airlines?
I am sure you have many experiences from Korea that could be turned into writing prompts.
I think you have a great talent at storytelling. This is quite interesting for such a short piece. You throw us right into the action but I wasn't left feeling confused about what was going on.
I really liked the style and tone of the piece.
'If you would like an anser to the above question' - typo
I am not familiar with this form of poetry so I won't comment on that. However, I could imagine you walking on the beach. I could even see the footsteps in the sand! Something you would notice when alone.
I haven't been to the beach in years. Do you live near the coast?
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I write mainly articles and don't consider myself a poet. While I do review it, I like many find it that bit harder to review.
'My toaster is whatever I want it to be?' I so know what you mean. When I write poetry I make it very clear. If it isn't then I add a footnote. But I often read poetry that makes no sense to me, and some poets get offended because obviously it makes sense to them. They wonder why I can't see that, and if I can't then that is no reason to give them a low rate.
I see a lot of bad poetry on here and I think it is because of the reasons you highlight. People have the need to vent and express themselves. They don't care if it is just words scattered on a page, joined when they don't connect. They still expect a great review. I agree that the free style needs to have some rules to. What a great point!
I loved this line 'In fact, poetry-- good poetry worth reading-- makes the truth a little more disturbing' I made this point to an author today. Perhaps not so eloquently. I love the poems that take the everyday and make it sound so fascinating. Then there are others who take the tragic and expect you to feel their pain, but just saying I am in pain. My response to them is that while the piece is sad, I want to be moved to tears.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I think that the examples should be in ritem format to not interrupt the flow. I also don't know how useful the links are. I didn't click them. I found the article sufficient and they were just in the way. If I had clicked them then I would have been reading 4 pieces to understand one point. A lot of work if you ask me.
I thought the ending could have been a little better. The points were made really well, but I would have liked to have seen a better summary and conclusion.
Final Words...
This was a very informative article. I learnt a lot. Thanks!
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Power to the small people I say! I don't know if you sent this but I love that feeling of taking control back when you complain to one of these big companies. I don't know what everyone else is doing. Sitting quietly waiting for the calling cards I imagine, and that is why the service stays so bad.
I liked the humour in this piece and the tone. I like a person who has an attitude when it is needed.
The piece was written out well and it was clear too.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
'I do mean letterS' - maybe use italics for emphasis.
'The second way I know your service still stinks?' I thought this could have been phrased better.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I can see why prayer would help. I find it very comforting. I think there is nothing more turning to God in times of distress for He is the only one who can and will respond to the call of the distressed. Often even if loved ones want to help they can't. They are helpless.
I don't meditate but I think silence is beautiful. I like doing hypnosis. I find that relaxing and so too is yoga streches. Really helps bad posture too!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
If you have a break in the piece where it is not needed.
I had to look up what 'chakras' was and I think the article presumes some prior knowledge of specialist areas. For example, who is 'Divine Mother Isis'
I think the piece could be expanded by encorporating your beliefs which seems interlinked with the ways you relax.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I am not a mother but I can appreciate that a mother would do anything to help her son. I hate the heat and often faint in it and so I totally understand the need to keep cool in such temperatures.
I have been to the website linked and I think these gadgets are really good. You provide lots of details with a heart felt message which I am sure will get you the publicity you are looking for.
The article is easy to follow and properly set out.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I would move the heart felt letter to the top of the item. I think it would read better in that format.
I appreciate you are trying to help your son and I am all for supporting people who are in discomfort and pain. But leaving aside the fact that he is your son, or maybe even your fellow country man, I am British and so neither of things apply to me, why should we spend our money here rather than else where?
I was against the invasion of Iraq. Yes Saddam should go but who are we to say that it should be at the expense of innocent lives. Soldiers have a choice, Iraqi people don't.
Leaving the war issue aside I was thinking how cool it would be if these gadgets were given to poor people in Africa and India. I have been to India and seen the appalling conditions there. There is no going home for them. No choice and without the publicity etc. there is little hope that they will get the help they need.
I was wondering why these are not provided by the military? I would think it was there job and should not have to be raised by you.
Final Words...
I thought it was sweet that your son wouldn't use his. I can understand that. I have nothing against the soldiers personally. Hope he comes home safely.
Write On!
Dreams
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This is a really interesting piece. Very creative. I like the way we are thrown into the piece. I had to take a second to find my way around.
I felt the piece flowed well. There were nice touches of imagery.
Suggestions... 
'Black and Brown, Yellow, Red,' - What is this describing?
Write On!
Typos/Corrections 
'twaddly filler-assignments, unecessary review, etc.' - typo.
I so know what you mean. When I write poetry I make it very clear. If it isn't then I add a footnote. But I often read poetry that makes no sense to me, and some poets get offended because obviously it makes sense to them. They wonder why I can't see that, and if I can't then that is no reason to give them a low rate.