I read this piece earlier, before the revisions. This is a much more dynamic story. The reader is drawn into the story from the very beginning. The narrator is still in the grips of her depression she suffered from in the first story, but the story itself is not as subdued and dull. The re-write was definitely worth the time and trouble.
This is one of several apocalyptic stories I've read here. It was a little different, though, because you have chosen to have a renowned thief and a ragtag bunch of children as your heroes. The setting appears to be a place besieged by raiders.
I came very close to backing off and not reviewing this one. The first paragraph did nothing to invite me into the ruins of Darsis. The part about something in the night sky holding its breath just was plain silly. I'd skip it entirely and start your story off with the second one. "It was the fifth time in that month alone that Darsis, a once great city, had been attacked by raiders." You can add any details necessary to the story by slipping them into the narrative as you go along. With just a few hints now and then, "the children scrambled over the rubble of fallen marble towers", you can move the story into the realm you've chosen. Don't be afraid to let your readers make up their own city in their heads.
Having the raiders killing everyone over the age of eleven seems awfully specific to me and left me with visions of bandits checking IDs. Why not just say "They left no one alive but the youngest of the children. The oldest was barely eleven." While we're on the subject of numbers, "about seven children" doesn't work for me; "seven" seems too exact for the "about" that modifies it. Why not "a handful of children" instead? That way you can add to the brood as you need to and not have the readers taking role to make sure you have the proper number of children.
You need a little help with the basics, especially concerning punctuating dialogue. “Who are you? What do you want?” He called out, his voice thick with false bravery. ~ should be “Who are you? What do you want?” he called out. His voice was thick with false bravery. You have a fairly good touch with dialogue. I would have liked more. There are other places that need commas and other places where breaking the sentences up into smaller ones, perhaps even just fragments would add more emphasis.
This was a sweet little story. It told of a young man's growing relationship with an older woman from a culture different from his own. I enjoyed reading this one. It flowed smoothly from one idea to the next without an obvious glitches.
There are a couple of places where I might have added or omitted a comma: "We villagers" rather than "We, villagers"; this phrase could be changed to something different: "going near to her", although I'm not quite sure what. The part where he takes off her necklace bothers me. I think it would work better for me if she had given the necklace to him instead. This are very minor things and don't effect my pleasure in this story.
This piece is told from the viewpoint of a girl who tries to explain something very personal to her, but can't get the words out.
This story is quite ragged. I like how the words all rush together as her pain/frustration builds. However, to make that really stand out and not just seem like the space key no longer functions, I'd make sure the surrounding paragraphs are as correct as possible. It's the contrast between how she felt before and how her life is now that really make this piece. Work on editing that last paragraph. She's changed. Her words and sentence structure should reflect that.
You have a number of errors to find and fix. "Insight", not "in site"; "pungent", not "pundit". You use "your" instead of "you're" in the rushing paragraph. My feelings about changing that are mixed. I would switch that "Nick" to all lowercase since everything else is.
This one definitely has possibilities. It is the story of a rather different pack of werewolves, told from the perspective of a young woman of the group.
I liked the premise of your story. Although your first paragraph could use a bit of tightening, it kept me wanting to find out more. I'd combine a few sentences: Wondering who the new people were, I asked my mom if I could go and welcome the new family to the neighborhood.
However, your second paragraph left me very confused. I would have like a transition between the two distinctly different topics. Perhaps a paragraph telling her thoughts about that boy she sees. There's no need to give away your "twist" if you don't want to. Just a little peek into her thoughts and then something like ~ But I couldn't spend any more time thinking about him. It was time to get ready for tonight's meeting. I'd been looking forward to it for a long time.
You need to break up that second paragraph into several shorter ones. A line break will help, too. It will be more reader-friendly online. Each time a new person speaks, you need a new paragraph. You have a number of spelling errors and punctuation problems that need to be corrected. It's "Secrets", not "Secrects".
This story has real possibilities. You need to keep at it.
As the parent of a special needs child, I can certainly relate to this one. Imagine if you will, a school talent show, a microphone and an autistic child with a yen to perform...
I would make a few changes in your story. They're minor ones, but I think they will be worthwhile. I'd move your first paragraph to the ending and start your story with ~ Tyler performed his duties perfectly. This story cries out for dialogue. Let us hear Tyler talking to Father Al . You have a mix of verb tenses. I'd stick with one you're most comfortable with. There's really no need to write in ALL CAPS. A line break between paragraphs makes online reading much easier.
This was a heartwarming peek into your life. With a little editing, it could be much better.
What a delightful picture you paint! I enjoyed this little glimpse into your world.
You have a couple of places that could really use either a comma or a period to break them up into more manageable bites. I'm not sure the semicolon in the section about their lunch is really necessary. A comma would work just as well. The sentence about the tadpoles at the end is a bit awkward. You might want to read it aloud and see what you think. I didn't notice any misspelled words or typos in your story.
This was a wonderful little reminiscence of your girls' childhood and one I'm so glad you shared with us.
Oh, I love this one! I had the whole story pictured in my head. I knew exactly what the boy and his father looked like, the hill they were standing on, the midnight dark sky filled with stars and your last sentence tossed all that over on its ear. Well done. I wouldn't change a thing!
This was a sweet little story, a glimpse into the lives of a long-married couple. It was romantic and sentimental without being overly saccharine. I wouldn't change anything about the plot.
There are some things that need work on the technical side of things, though. Each time a new person speaks, you need a new paragraph. That alone will make this one easier to read. Do a little review about how to punctuate dialogue. You don't have it quite right. There are a few typos that need to be fixed, too.
This is a poem about a man asking which way to go in his life, which path to take to be on the right way. I love the sentiment expressed in the last stanza but the first few stanzas left me rather confused. They don't seem to make as much sense as they should. The stanza about the horrible den almost works but the wording is a bit awkward.
I know it must be difficult to write poetry in a language that isn't your native tongue. You have a good start. Just keep working at it.
Poems really aren't my area of expertise, but I do have a special place in my heart for the complex simplicity of haikus. You have two haikus here about trees. In each one of them, I love the first two lines ~ "wearing colorful charms" is wonderful ~ but the third lines leave me flat. It could be your grasp of English isn't quite as fluent as the form requires, or maybe I'm not quite in tune with what you wanted me to see.
I love the idea of the trees posing, but the last line just doesn't quite work. How about "posing for the sun"? Same number of syllables. The last line for the other one seems a bit stilted and too formal. If you can come up with another ending, I'd like the poems better.
Hm. I'm not sure this qualifies as a "short story". Without reading the category you posted this in, I assumed it was a poem. I'll review it as a short story, though, since that's what you're calling it.
I get a vague sense of a person, possibly the father, waiting in a hospital for a word about his child's condition. He seeks word from his god and receives an answer.
I would have liked to have seen a lot more detail in this one. Show me how the father feels, the trip to the hospital, what the waiting room is like, his relationship with his child and the other relatives gathered around. It was very sparse. You're leaving your readers to do an awful lot of the work you should have done.
You have a few mistakes on the technical end. I'm not sure why you bolded some of the words. They jarred me out of the story. "Vale" is an unusual choice of words.
With more details, lots more of them, this could be an interesting story. With a little work, though, I think it would make a much better poem.
Well, this creepy little tale certainly reads like a man obsessed! His "rantings" become more and more obscure as the piece continues until, by the end, he's almost incomprehensible. Along the way, though, you use some wonderful phrases. "Its locks filled with ivory keys" is my favorite.
This piece can use a lot of help in the technical side. You seem to switch between sentence fragments and long, almost run-on sentences. For example, instead of two sentence fragments to open your story, you could do this instead: "Dropped from my record label, I am left with nothing but a handful of persistent fans and a dwindling income." You have a lot of spelling errors in this story, too, sowing, strive, chapping, etc. Find and fix all these and you'll have a much stronger story.
What?!? That's it? You can't leave your readers hanging! You have to finish this one! As you might have been able to tell, I kinda liked this one.
Your characters were believable and had personalities of their own. The plot was something I could follow. I wanted more of this story.
Now, on to the technical side of things... Since it's a draft, I didn't expect a polished work. There are a couple of things that aren't quite right. I'd change "take A tone" to "take THAT tone"; "faultered" is misspelled "faltered". The section of dialogue after his mother leaves needs a little work, too. Some of the things I assumed were coming from one of your characters sounded more like something the other would have said. A little reworking or perhaps tags would help for that one. I did like your little "footnote" about the patron saint of actors. The preface was necessary to understand the rough draft, but I'd eliminate it on the finished project.
Please finish this one. I want to know what happens.
What a delightful little story! She takes time from her busy day to just sit at the edge of a pond and look at the life she sees. Your ending caught me completely by surprise and brought a big smile to my face!
There are a few places where a comma doesn't seem really necessary. For example, I'd omit the ones. in "Everyone she had met today was in such a hurry, as they were every day" and "It looked at her with one eye and croaked". But those are so minor, they don't distract from your story at all.
Your vision of God is as much a petulant teenager as Satan's daughter is. This was an interesting concept for a story. The mere mention of the ring, though, set off warning bells in my head. I just knew it was not going to end right for God.
There were a couple of places where I would have switched your commas for periods and one typo {which I can't find upon rereading} that needs to be fixed. The parenthetical phrases are jarring. I'd find a way to integrate them into the body of the work.
Wow! There wasn't one sentence, one word, of this that didn't ring true to me. Usually I'll read along and there'll be a section that jerks me out of the story, something that makes me think "that's not right. They wouldn't ~ I wouldn't ..." but not this one. You painted a very vivid picture and I enjoyed every word of it.
Oh, I remember those days quite well! I grew up in a very small town, thousands of miles from the Alberta prairie, but my memories are quite similar. You captured the feel of your childhood quite well. I'm sure there are many readers here who can either relate to this one, or will enjoy the peek into someone else's childhood.
This one was very sparse and didn't hit the reader over the head with an "idea". It was a series of vignettes, really, that I interpreted to be his reminiscences of a love long since faded away, but still remembered. It was poignant and sad without being blatantly so. I finished reading the story wishing he'd answer the phone just one more time.
The line breaks are a bit quirky. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not. I kept looking for the meaning behind them. I felt some of the commas were unnecessary and other places could possibly have used one. This probably should be "all right" rather than "alright", "over head" should be one word.
This story of a man caught up in the Yukon Gold Rush reads like a memoir from someone who was actually there. I felt like I had been transported back in time and was listening to a tale told in one of the saloons or perhaps peeking into someone's long-forgotten diary. I had no idea how this one was going to end, but your ending was perfect!
I found a typo or two along the way, but nothing of any importance, perhaps a wandering comma or a transposed letter or two. It certainly didn't distract from the story.
The first paragraph of this prologue to a potential science fiction story I really liked. Even though there were mistakes in it {"there" instead of "their", for example}, I was interested in the "folksy" tone of the piece.
The other two paragraphs, though, I didn't like. They read rather like the specs for a spacecraft or an odd physics problem rather than a story. There were a few cute little details, but wading through the rest to get to them really didn't seem worth it. If the purpose of those paragraphs was to set up the building of a new space craft, I'd prefer to see the details integrated into the story in another way.
Keep the first paragraph and tell me more about finding a pub and less about the spacecraft.
This was an interesting read about a pair of siblings and a picture one of them finds in an attic. The plot seems to hint at things, rather than bop the reader over the head with them. Speculating about events from the past was all part of the atmosphere of this one.
Some of the sentences were a little long. I might have broken them up into two smaller ones, but it's a relatively minor thing. I didn't notice any other errors.
This was a very dark, yet ultimately hopeful, glimpse into a world where everything seems to have been destroyed. A man with a decision to make stands high atop a ruined cathedral.
Some readers might want to know why the city below him has been reduced to rubble, but I was fine speculating about that. There were some sentence fragments scattered through the piece, but I don't have any problems with those at all. Adding line breaks between your paragraphs will make this one easier on the eyes of your readers.
I must confess I was just going to skim this one because I had a little time to kill this evening. A brief glance to see if it was worth coming back to when I had enough time to give a decent review. All that being said, I found myself being sucked into your story and that little bit of time I had to kill was very well-spent, indeed.
It's the memoir of a girl growing up in the 80's told in at least three parts. I'm not exactly sure what Freddie Mercury has to do with it yet, but I love the title and I'm pretty sure the author will tell us later.
There were a few typos sprinkled here and there. You left out a word: "my friend with a --- on her face". There are a couple more errors, but the story was so engrossing, I read right over the top of them. You might want to consider rating your story {18+}.
I thoroughly enjoyed this one and I really hope the other two are equally good.
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