The physical presentation was a bit quirky; I kept waiting for the line breaks to "mean something". Other than that, I enjoyed the piece. You portrayed the impending sense of danger, of something unknown lurking just around the corner, quite well.
I enjoyed the story and was left wanting more, which isn't a bad thing at all.
This poem was very emotional. The reader can definitely sense the ill will between the writer and the other character. The anger practically steams from the page! The only quibble with the content is your use of "affect". "Effect" might be the better choice.
This was a very personal reminiscence. It felt as if I was reading a love letter written to someone very special. The sentiment was definitely heartfelt.
The only real changes I can suggest have more to do with the structure of the piece than the content. More defined paragraph breaks would prevent that solid block of type that can make a story hard to read. There are one or two sentences that mention the present ~ the one about the arcade springs to mind ~ which interrupt the flow, in my opinion. A few typos, but they can be easily fixed.
That was a great story. You did a wonderful job building the suspense and the sense of dread throughout the story. Her sense of dread grew as the story progressed. I knew something bad had happened/was going to happen, but you gave no clue as to what.
Well, I'm not exactly sure what this story is about, but I certainly like speculating there's a department just like that backing up all the various deities floating around. I had no trouble following the conversation between Xavier and Fred. You might consider revising those "Fred said something"s. Perhaps something along the line of "Xavier waited until Fred finished before adding," or even leaving them out altogether. I think the ending needs a bit of work. It kinda just peters out there at the bottom of the page. How about something along the line of "He hung up the phone and turned to his manager. "Well, what's new in the world of Universal Deities Supports and IT {or whatever you decide to call your world} today?"
I definitely enjoyed your work and will have no trouble recommending it to others.
Hm. I'm not quite sure what to think of this one. I'm a librarian at a grade school so I read a lot of children's books. You have a great beginning for a children's book. I really liked reading about the rhino. Some of the more personal stuff, though, didn't seem to fit. It was almost like you have two different stories crammed into one small space. The children's story about a pet rhino and some odd bits and pieces about an older boy which really don't seem to fit. Try to find a way to keep the focus on the rhino and I think the story will be much better.
I like the idea of a magic weight loss, secret of the Sumerians, diet like Elvis or aliens, megaweight loss breakthrough what have you, but I suppose that's a wee bit too much to hope for. It was interesting to read of your opinions about losing weight. You definitely make a strong argument for your point of view. I will check out the websites you suggested, too.
As for your writing style, it was a bit too gungho for my tastes, but I'm sure you will appeal to many readers on this site.
Wow! The ending came out of the blue. I certainly wasn't expecting that at all. I think the story shows promise, but it needs work. You've described your characters but not much of the setting. Adding some detail to the room will help. The paragraph with the strange truck in it seems out of place. I realize it is just a rough draft, though and all these things can be fixed before the final product is ready for viewing.
Summer would be Alyssa's stepdaughter, not her daughter-in-law.
I read your diary entry, hoping it was the beginning of a longer piece. I'm assuming this is part of a longer work. Unless this is going to be a play, I'd definitely add some narration, a bit of description so a reader can get a sense of the setting. Keep the dialogue as it is, but show the reader what things look like, sound like, maybe even smell like.
You have a good start. Just expand on it to make it better.
I can see your play in my head. I can hear Jake talking with Mr. Laban. You have a flair for dialogue. Well, the lines Jake says about the marching band. I especially like the phrase "mustarding a hot dog". Your description of the band was also good.
What a great story about a time gone by! I must admit I was rather surprised. I opened this, thinking I would skim it and see if it was worth coming back to late, but once I read the first few sentences, I was hooked. You didn't make your main character too heroic ~ actually "winning" the log rolling contest would have been a little too much, but having him win a round was just right.
I found a few little questionable typos, but nothing major. I'd fix those, but I certainly wouldn't change any of the rest.
Even in the middle of a summer day, reading your poem brings me back to those last days of winter, the days when it seems it's never going to be warm or sunny again. I can picture in my mind finding that first snow drop amid the frosty blades of grass. Your writing gives me that sense.
I enjoyed reading your essay. You definitely conveyed a sense of place, a sense most outsiders can only dream of, about your "home". The writing was evocative, a little peek into the heart of a native coming back home.
I found a few typos in the last few section of your story, especially in the line about playing the Tabla {although that might be the correct phrase for how the drum is played}, "nosed" for "noses",, "everyone" for "everyone's" and then "venders" for "vendors". Fix these and your essay is just about perfect.
I'm pretty sure you've been peeking into my windows! Or over the shoulder of just about anyone who's sat down at a desk or in front of a computer to write that perfect piece whether it's a poem or an essay; a short story or the great American novel. I think there might be a bit of a "bobble" near the end ~ ...the paragraphs look bulk and walls of text. Fix that, but otherwise I wouldn't change a thing.
I read this several times and I'm still not sure what it means. But that's fine. I don't have to know what it means to be moved by it. It was a creepy little tale, but with oddly comforting over tones.
The format was a bit quirky but if it works for you, keep it. I did see an error "met" when you probably intended "meant" as well as "hosts" when "hosts' " or perhaps "host's" would be the correct choice. Other than those two little typos, it was a good story.
You know, I'm not really sure if I like this story or not. The style, especially in the beginning, was very informal which set the story up to be almost a folk tale rather than one warranting an "adult" rating. The "talents" could have been expanded, but I realize that's quite hard to do when writing a very short story where every word counts.
I must admit the last character did catch me by surprise which is, I assume, the reason for the rating. Overall, yeah, I liked the story.
I read this story with a growing sense of "something really bad's going to happen to that little girl, her father won't be able to stop it this time and I really, really don't want to find out what it is". I was not expecting the ending you presented and I was quite impressed. I enjoyed this story very much.
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