This was a rather melodramatic story. It was also rather unbelievable. I could tell the writer was very passionate about her story and is writing from the heart.
It needs work in the areas of grammar, proper punctuation and realistic dialogue. It can definitely be improved.
This story was a glimpse into a culture far removed from my own, yet I found things I could relate to within its words.
It does have its flaws. Describing the main character as a "simple man" rather than a "simpleton" would be better. There were problems with transitions, too. I would have liked a definition or explanation of some of the unfamiliar words used in the story {charpoy, chacha, lungi, etc.}
I was a little confused by this one. I understand the basic premise of the story just fine so that's not the problem. I just don't think the part about the main character "knowing" that Marie was dead and then later seeing her alive was presented very well.
You did set this one up well. I didn't notice any glaring mistakes. A little clarification about Marie is the only thing I'd change.
What a great piece of reminiscing! I can relate to many of the things in your poem "warsh!" and could probably add a few that you didn't have room to mention.
There are some places I'd sprinkle in a comma or two, but it's not really necessary. There are sentences in there. They need periods.
I can hear this one being read aloud. You have a good "voice". This was a good read.
Oh, no! You stopped right in the middle! Now I'm never going to find out what happens next. You have a good start on a nice little children's story. You need to keep working on it.
This piece is just loaded with errors, though. You have a lot of spelling mistakes, mistakes in punctuation and mistakes in capitalization, too. Find and fix those. I would like to see this broken up into smaller paragraphs. More details about the toadstools {What makes them so pretty?} and the wings {How big are they? What colors? etc.} would really help this story, too.
I don't mean to be discouraging. As a first effort, a rough draft, it's a good place to start. You have an idea. Now, run with it!
This work describes a passionate kiss between a woman and her husband, her beloved. The reader can tell the writer feels deeply about the subject.
It is an average piece, but it could be better. The subheadings about the point of view aren't necessary since the woman's side is told in first person and the man's in third, it's easy to tell them apart. I'd just leave them off. There are a number of misspellings and typos. "Messaging" which is probably supposed to be "massaging"; "chocoalate" for "chocolate","sedativley" which might be "sedately" or "seductively". There are also unneeded or misplaced apostrophes. Some work cleaning these issues up will make this read more enjoyable.
This was a very short work, filed by the author under the heading of "preface". It may be a preface to a longer work, but it reads very much like a poem in free verse.
The second sentence needs a question mark. You might want to consider varying the order of some of the sentences. It seems almost disjointed. You have some good lines, though. I love "She was hope dancing in stiletto heels".
Take a breath,sweetie! You had some very insightful things to say, but it was hard to decipher them while wading through that long, long sentence! With a little editing, this can be a good read.
You need to fix quite a few things, but since your piece is so short, it shouldn't be all that tough. High school should be two words. I'd rework that first sentence into a couple of shorter ones, maybe even sentence fragments. "A crush. One of the most tedious things in high school. It's a lose-lose situation. No winner. No runner up. And what's the worst thing that could happen? Everyone, especially the crusher, finding out!" I'd start your second paragraph right there. Is "tedious" really the right word for a crush? "Tedious" is dull and boring. Setting through a long lecture is tedious. Your crush, whether experienced or just talked about, doesn't seem too boring.
I liked your little poem. I won't say much about your writing conditions because this is, after all, a family place! I also liked the little bit of wisdom you gave your readers.
The meter didn't quite work for me, especially in the first few lines. I can't say why. It just doesn't scan right. With a little tweaking, though, it would. I'd make a suggestion, but each thing I tried really wasn't much better.
Your enthusiasm for this farmer's market shines through each and every word. It's obvious that you really like this place and look forward to being there.
You used "it's" as the possessive form of "it". It should be "its". There are a few other places that could use a little editing, too, but nothing major.
I would have liked more description of the place and the people you talked about. I know what my farmer's market looks like, sounds like and smells like. I'd really like to know more about yours. Show me.
This was a good, basic observation about lessons learned in the workplace. It was simply written. No frills. No fancy symbolism. Just a direct and straight forward piece of writing. It was valuable because it was so simple.
Obvious lessons, yes, but ones we all could use a reminder about.
How very clever! I loved the this one! The idea of your main character {I don't want to give anything away!} applying for unemployment is wonderful!
There is a typo here and there. You have a repeating comma in one place and those ellipses aren't really necessary. These are very minor errors and easily correctable.
Please consider writing the reply from the unemployment office and posting it.
This reads more like a poem, a rather good poem, than a monologue. It has a definite rhythm and it definitely conveys an emotion. With a few line changes, perhaps a bit more, you will have a fine poem on your hands.
As a monologue I am rating this as a three star work. As a poem, it would be at least a four.
You had a very wise teacher and you were obviously paying attention. I read this through almost to the end before I realized it rhymed, a tribute to your deft way with words as well as my clueless state.
You might want to capitalize the first word of each line. That's traditional in poetry. The line " in no matter what opinion your writing is leaning," doesn't work for me. Perhaps "No matter what direction your writing is leaning," would be better.
Your errors are very minor ones, though. It was a very good piece of writing.
Your description compelled me to open this one! I was a little confused by what's going on here, though. I'm not quite sure what Jonathan has to do with anything, but I'm hoping further works will make this part clearer.
I would break up each one of your letters into at least two paragraphs. Shouldn't it be "the gimp feels guilt and lies to ITSELF and eventually IT"? "Lieing" should be "lying"; 'devastated" instead of "devesated".
You also have the demon saying there are two reasons and then listing three reasons, but I rather like that. It reads like your demon is a typical bombastic middle-management type. I'd leave it.
As far as the second letter goes, if there's any way to call "the commissioned one" something else, I'd do it. Reading that over and over again got rather tedious.
I liked the concept. I'd be interested in reading more correspondence from these two.
I enjoyed reading your review of one of my all-time favorite movies, "Casablanca". I can't disagree with any of the opinions you express in this essay.
I did find fault concerning the technical side of things. To borrow a phrase from film making, you have problems with continuity. He's Rick Blaine throughout most of the piece, but Rick Blain without the final "e" does pop up at least once. It should be "whose" not "who's" in the first paragraph. That apostrophe in "Nazi's" in the second paragraph shouldn't be there. There are some places that could use a comma or two. I found a few errors in spacing, too.
Overall, I read this review with great enjoyment. It makes me want to watch "Casablanca" soon.
These were some very heart-felt lyrics with some clever little rhymes. I particularly liked the last rhymes of the first stanza. I can almost hear this one being sung. I'm sure your audience loved it.
You do have some mistakes. In the first stanza I'm not sure what "gibe" is. Perhaps a misspelling. It's "you're", not "your" as the contraction for "you are". I think some punctuation would help immensely.
This was a sweet little story, a look at that classic plot line, "boy meets girl".
There were many large blocks of black type that will be much more reader-friendly once they're broken up into more manageable sizes. I would have liked to have read more dialogue between the narrator, her friends and Seth, the new boy. There were numerous mistakes in grammar and punctuation. A quick review of the rules and some time spent editing will greatly approve this story.
You wrote from the heart. I ached for you and your sisters as I read it. I could feel the emotion you wrote with every word.
You need to do some work with the grammar side of things. The first sentence is just a fragment. It could be a much more powerful opening line by combining it with the second one. "The day my life got turned upside down was just a normal day." All number words need to be changed to words. Our brains process digits and words slightly differently and it causes a "glitch" when coming across one in a story which is otherwise all letters. You need to break up that large paragraph into several smaller ones. Each time a new character speaks, it should be a new paragraph. And speaking of speaking, I would have loved to have had more dialogue in this one.
It was a heart-felt piece, one I know many readers will relate to.
This was a very powerful read. It definitely rings true! I wouldn't change anything about that part of the story.
And as for the other part, well, there are a couple of places where I might have chosen a slightly different phrase, used another word, perhaps added or omitted a comma, but really, I wouldn't mess with it. It's fine as is.
I was lured into reading this one by your wonderful title! I was smiling before I even opened the piece. Once I got inside, I was smiling because it was good. Not a comedy as I thought the title suggested, but very good nonetheless. I enjoyed the story very much.
I would "tweak" some things. Your dialogue is great and cries out for quotation marks. "He’s slowly handing the woman behind the register a hundred dollar bill at a time" would be clearer as "He’s slowly handing the woman behind the register one hundred dollar bills, one at a time". I'm sure there are typos lurking somewhere, but I really didn't notice them.
As a fellow writer, I enjoyed this piece. You captured very well many of the reasons we all write. The last line in your last big paragraph,"I write because, dammit, I just want you to like me" rings especially true with me.
I must confess I have no idea who any of the people you mentioned in your opening are. Well, "my mother" is pretty self-explanatory, but a brief bit about the others would have been nice. I was a bit confused by the sentence "I write for that attentive look that charges me with adrenaline as I glance up from my reading." Are you reading another writer's work silently to yourself or reading aloud from one of your own works to an audience? A little clarification there would be helpful.
What a touching story! The emotion you feel for your friend shows in every word. I wouldn't change a bit of the sentiment you show the reader.
I would, however, change quite a bit from the technical side of things. Please spell out all the words "Christmas" for "Xmas", "British Columbia", I think, for "BC". You may have readers who do not know what your abbreviations mean. You have a few problems with grammar, too. It should be "my friends and I", not "me and my friends". You might want to consider breaking up a few of those longer sentences, too.
It was a good piece, but one that could be made even better.
This was a well-done story. The reader wouldn't notice the lack of the "I" at all. There was enough going on to keep one's interest. The reader is left to imagine who the narrator is talking to, but that's fine.
There were a number of misspelled words and wandering commas. For example, "flower PEDDLES of summer" should be "flower PETALS of summer" and "TINNY little things" is probably meant to be "TINY little things". There are a few unnecessary commas, "emerald, pain-stricken, eyes" would read better as "emerald pain-stricken eyes" without any commas at all. Some of the sentences are a bit long, almost run-on, but the reader can hear that as the style of the narrator's speech.
A kiss from the good little witch.
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