"A nice sunny morning" was a nice little read. It tells the story of Frans's morning and what happens to him as he walks down the street for his breakfast.
Usually I mention my issues with the proverbial big black wall of type. This writer has the opposite problem. The line breaks could be tightened up a bit to make this one a little easier to read. The woman's dialogue was a bit run-on, but that could be a creative touch. The writer might consider adding more dialogue to the piece. For example, Frans's reply to the woman and his later conversation with another woman might be better as actual dialogue, punctuated with quotation marks. The definition of skulked is to move furtively; the word the writer was looking for could be sulked.
I liked this story. It made me smile, especially the ending. Thank you for sharing it with us.
The Shed is a creepy little bit of fiction about a man who hears a noise in the middle of the night and gets up to investigate, leaving his wife asleep in their bed. I enjoyed the atmosphere of the story. The author did a good job of setting the scene and getting into the character's head. The ending didn't work for me, but that could be my take on the story and no fault of the writer.
There were numerous errors in this piece, mostly relating to commas, either missing or unnecessary. It should be "my wife and I", not "me and my wife". The right word should be "here" not "hear". Numbers should be spelled out. Some of the sentences seemed to be too long. A little work tightening up this story will help a great deal.
Awww. This was so sweet. The Proposal was the story of a woman and her most memorable birthday. It was short and very sentimental, but not cloying.
There were a couple of minor typos, missing or misplaced commas and the like, but nothing major. Another quick run-through should catch them. "Jenna. I love you. I know we don't say mushy stuff like that, but I do do." That second "do" seems out of place.
I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing it with me.
"Tested" tells the story of a woman who needs a test, a pregnancy test. It's not a happy time in her life and it's made even unhappier by the events that follow. It's not a happy story, given the circumstances, but it was a good read.
I do have some technical issues to discuss. This phrase seemed so awkward to me : "feeling her eyes bulge with the weight of hidden tears of panic". I'm not sure "bulge" is the right word here. "Feeling her eyes burning with the sting of unshed tears." might work better. " Empathy poured of of him"? "Empathy poured off of him" or better yet, " Empathy poured from him". Aspirin doesn't need to be capitalized.
I could empathize with this woman. You did a good job depicting her emotional state. Thank you for sharing the story with us.
"Anabel's Baloon" tells a sweet little story of a little girl, Anabel and her beloved balloon. I enjoyed reading about the two of them and their little adventure.
The story, unfortunately, is filled with errors, starting with the title. It's "Balloon", not "baloon". The first sentence was not quite right. I'd drop the comma and do a bit of switching with the second half. "Little Anabel was skipping down the street with a strawberry ice-cream cone in one hand and the prettiest light blue balloon with silver stars you will ever see, in the other." That "caring" should probably be "carrying". It's customary to spell out numbers, eighth and two rather than 8th and 2. Willow does not need to be capitalized.
If all the errors can be found and fixed, this will be a very cute read. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Bad School Experience is a work of fan fiction, telling the story of Sherlock Holmes's first days of school. It paints a vivid picture of a very small boy, in stature as well as age, who has a rough time of it. It was quite an interesting read.
I did have a couple of problems with it, though. First of all, that daunting wall o' type. I was fairly hesitant to tackle it and finally decided to copy and paste the entire story so I could add line breaks as necessary. A space between each new paragraph would make the story much much reader friendly. There are a number of commas I would eliminate, but it's rather subjective. There were typos that need to be corrected, too. It's "Asperger's", not "Aspberger's". In the very last line, that "Accept" should be "Except". There are others, but those are the two that stuck out for me.
I was never quite sure if this story was set in the United Kingdom or the United States. Some of the terminology, Mummy, trainers, etc., seemed to be British. At other times, though, for example, having pizza for lunch {I realize that British schools may serve pizza for lunch, but it just didn't sound right. Perhaps a sandwich or soup would be better in this case.} and playing on the monkey bars made me think it took place in the United States. It's a minor point, but one the writer may want to address.
I enjoyed this story. Thank you for sharing it with me.
"disconnected" was a brief peek into a dystopian world of the future. It was short, bleak and personal. It was one man's view of what the world might become.
The story did have a number of issues to be addressed. Even though it will result in sentence fragments, I would make "I can remember like it was yesterday, December 21 , 2012 , boy what a joke !" into three separate segments for added emphasis. "I can remember like it was yesterday. December 21 , 2012. Boy, what a joke !" That next sentence rambles quite a bit, too. It needs to be split up into several shorter ones. The "there" in the second line should be "their", the possessive form. There are quite a few typos in this piece. All the commas have a space before them which isn't necessary. Some of these problems may be simple formatting glitches. If the story is edited, it will be much easier to read.
I tend to be an optimist, at least on the intrawebz, but I did enjoy visiting your little world, as long as I don't have to live there.
"Then He Died" told the story of the young narrator cooking with his or her father. The writer doesn't say, but I pictured a daughter for some reason. It works just as well, though, if it was a thirteen year old boy. I enjoyed the camaraderie between the two people in the story. I could see the two of them as they cooked.
The first paragraph didn't seem as if it belonged to the story as it stands now. However, if this is just part of a longer story, I'm sure it could work. If it's just to be a simple story about a daughter's memory of time spent with her father, I'd drop that first paragraph.
As far as the technical things go, there were a couple of errors, most having to do with dialogue. " “You know what the secret to our cooking is?” He asked." should be " “You know what the secret to our cooking is?”he asked.". There is no need to capitalize the "he" when it's part of the dialogue. There were a couple of odd word choices. For example "the affliction in his voice" probably should be "the affection in his voice".
I enjoyed this story and would like to read more about the relationship between the narrator and the father.
"And so it begins" is the title of an essay about a young wife saying goodbye to her husband as he goes off to serve overseas, leaving her and their newborn son behind. She carries a camcorder with her and records the day's events. This story rang very true to me. I particularly liked the confrontation between the wife and the girlfriend she meets.
There were a couple of typos in the piece, but they're quite minor. "Soldier" was often capitalized when it didn't need to be; "busses" instead of the preferred "buses"; a misplaced quotation mark, etc. One more run through will probably catch all of them.
On the Ledge is a short story about a young man who faces many trials and tribulations and has found a unique way to cope with them. According to the writer, this is just the beginning of a longer work in progress.
This was an interesting read, but it could be greatly improved with editing. The piece frequently changed tenses; there were typos throughout the piece. There were numerous run-on sentences. The very first sentence in the story had quite a few issues. "I was a brisk night Daniel,and as he has been many times before, was sat on the ledge outside his window above the back door of his house." was hard to read. An editor might change it to this: "It was a brisk night. Daniel, as he had done many times before, sat on the ledge outside his window above the back door of his house."
I liked the story of the young man and his troubles and what he did to comfort himself, but I almost didn't finish it due to the errors. If they are dealt with, I'd be happy to revisit the story and the review.
There was quite a dichotomy between the perceived mundane title "A Day at the Office" and the rather creepy content of the story itself. I enjoyed reading
"A Day at the Office" although I must confess I wasn't quite sure exactly what was going on. I have a feeling that was the author's intention.
As far as the technical aspects of the story, I'd do a bit of tweaking, but nothing major. Does Sun ~ "staring at the Sun" ~need to be capitalized? I'd add quotations to this:" "Look too long, and you can go blind", I heard when I was young". Some of your sentences were very long, phrases and phrases strung together with commas. I might consider breaking some of them into shorter sentences.
Over all, I liked this story and felt the "stream of consciousness" feeling added to it. This is written as entry for a Writer's Cramp. I didn't look into what this entailed so my review may not be pertinent to some parts of the story.
Kessa was a poem about a cat, "grey and white and soft". It was very descriptive and captured the essence of "cat", at least the ones I've known.
There were a couple of things I'd change, especially in the area of punctuation. I'd add a period after the second line, for example, it seems to come to a full-stop. You need a comma here: "Splash, come over!" and a capital letter here: We said "She's Siamese!". They are fairly minor quibbles, though and poetry is a much more forgiving genre.
I liked the poem. Thank you for sharing a picture of your cat with us.
I just finished reading Young, a very short story about a morning spent with a young girl and her father. They go horseback riding and then, while resting beside a stream, he asks her to make a very mysterious promise.
On the technical side of things, I found a few minor errors in punctuation, missing periods and commas and a bit of trouble with the proper way to punctuate dialogue. With some careful proofreading, all these can be caught and fixed. I would have liked to have seen a lot more description in your writing. I did not get a real sense of time and place. I was thinking it was a modern tale until Regan refers to a veil and a hood.
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I hope this is just the beginning of their conversation. I'd definitely like to listen in on the two of them.
This was a very short story about a rainy day in Kolkata and a child's chance encounter with Katy. I won't go into any more detail because I don't want to spoil the ending.
This story would be greatly helped by some judicious editing. There are some grammar issues scattered through the piece, but the part that was most troublesome was the lack of paragraphs. That solid block of type is very hard to read. You have the story divided into paragraphs, but didn't add the spacing and/or indentations which would really help. There should be commas setting off the phrase, "after all", in the first paragraph. This phrase is quite descriptive, but a bit awkward: "the newspaper boy was covered in a raincoat double the size of his own". Maybe a change to "the newspaper boy was covered in a raincoat twice as big as he was".
Your story gave me a sense of what a rainy day in Kolkata might be like. Thank you for sharing it with me.
I had absolutely no intention of reviewing your story. I had just a couple of minutes of time and it was much too long. However, as I scrolled down to see just how long it was, words and phrases caught my eye and by the time I scrolled back up to the top of the page, I had already decided I could spare the time to read this. It had the potential to be something special. Now that I've finished it, I must say it definitely was worth the time.
The man in the story carries around a copy of Moby Dick in his pocket and his own version of the white whale in the form of an improbable story of a open top bus which he pursues in much the same way as Captain Ahab. The parallels to the classic tale of obsession can be seen in your story, too, although I must admit I didn't realize that until I began typing this review.
As far as the technical stuff goes, you have a couple of missteps in the form of unnecessary apostrophes, galleries not gallery's; grocers not grocers. There were a few places that seemed to be the beginning of sentences and therefore should have had capital letters. A little work could clean up the text. But all these are very minor points. It was your story that sucked me in. All in all, it was worth being a bit late.
Many of us play games, building worlds displayed on our computer monitors, but we still engage in reality, too. Artifex does the same. Or does he? You know, I couldn't be sure when he was dealing with reality and when he was in his own little world.
For the most part, I liked your story, stepping into the world you created for your characters. Not always being able to tell if the Aurora being talked about was his wife or his creation was fine. What I have trouble with is your very last line. "Strained with conviction" just doesn't ring true for me. I don't know what that means.
All in all, this was an okay read, but it could be better.
That is a very good start, Savannah! You have a gift for writing. I'd certainly encourage you to continue with it. I would like to know more of this girl and her relationship with Erik. Is she talking with the reader, to herself, writing in a diary, perhaps?
You might want to get rid of some of those exclamation marks, especially those in the middle of a sentence. They don't add to the work and could distract the reader. Your words say enough. You don't need superfluous punctuation.
As for how to improve your writing, just keep at it. That's the best advice I can give.
I hope this is just fiction, but it certainly reads true, like a remembrance rather than a story. It's filled with raw emotion written from the heart. I loved some of the phrases you used; "gum-on-a-stick looking thing they called food", for one.
There were a few typos to clean up; a missing apostrophe from "someone's" in the first line of the last paragraph and a missing comma between "better" and "Mommy" in the last line.
You left me cold. I mean this in the most flattering sense of the word. I could feel the character's desolation in each sentence you wrote. As I read, I thought, "Yes, this is just what he'd feel, how he'd act". There wasn't a false note in the piece. I wondered about who "she" was. I really wanted her to be that dying little girl from the first paragraph. I want to know, but I'm rather glad you didn't tell us. A bit of ambiguity works well for your story.
I did find a couple of things I'd change, but they're pretty minor. I think some of the sentences are a bit too long at time. I'd split this one, " It is a slow and painful death, and they have had me on suicide watch since I got here.", in two at the comma. As it is now, it reads a bit rambling and a taste of something crisp and sharp might help. I'd do the same with the last one, too. Although "can not" is acceptable, "cannot" is the preferred spelling. That "bare" should be "bear".
You know, the only part I didn't like was the title, but I can't think of a better one.
You paint a vivid picture of a very special time in a girl's life. I can picture a mother or a father peeking into her room and watching her playing with her dolls, reading her books, or writing in her diary.
This was a sentimental little piece of work which could be greatly improved with a bit of editing. You need to add another "o" to "to" when you mean "also". That apostrophe in "girl's" isn't necessary. I'd use a comma between angel and my friend in the first line of the last stanza.
I really liked this story of a male wedding planner. It was quite quirky and a fun read. Switching from the various points of view was a good choice.
However, there are a few problems here, especially with punctuation. You're missing quite a few apostrophes. There were a few places that could have used a comma. The equations didn't really work for me. I like the concept, but math symbols don't belong here.
And speaking of not belonging, I'd ditch the whole Chloe section and end it with Michael in the lake.
Wow! I opened this one and wasn't really expecting much, just an average story about fishing. I was certainly surprised, very pleasantly so. This story was like stepping into a pool of cool clear water on a warm summer evening.
You had a few mistakes in spelling. Find and fix those and it's a five star read. No. I'm going to give you five stars, anyway. It's a wonderful way to spend some time.
I happen to have a soft place in my heart for the private eye story so I definitely had to open this one. It has possibilities, if it's cleaned up a little.
This mixed metaphor made me giggle: her voice flowed gently through the air to my ears like water ~ possibly not the reaction you were going for. There are a number of errors in punctuation and capitalization that need to be found and fixed.
This was a very interesting character study of a man who was basically that old cliche "God's gift to women". Your story went a little deeper, though, than simply revisiting the cliche. You gave a reason for his behavior which I enjoyed reading.
This one would have been easier to read in a standard format with a line break between paragraphs. The paragraphs themselves were a little long as were many of the sentences in them.
There were some odd phrasings, too. "Got insane" stands out. It's usually "went insane". I wouldn't capitalize Lord when you are simply referring to the lord.
Ew. What a creepy little thing! I loved it. Even though I read the teaser, I had no real clue as to where you were going with this one. You did a fine job.
There are a few little bobbles. Are you sure you meant "a hare chasing a lynx"? I was stopped by this one and spent a little time out of the story trying to picture what could possibly make the prey chase its predator. "Leech" is the blood sucker. I think you want "leaching".
A kiss from the good little witch.
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