This is paints a lovely picture in my mind, what a sweet poem.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
St. Carmelle, a quiet,l peaceful town. wasn't sure, thought this may be a typo. I couldn't tell if it was a 1 or and I, but I just thought maybe it wasn't meant to be there.
I love the way this is written with all the -ing endings within the poem.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
I chose madness and it chose me,
both of us torn apart, asea. these are the only lines for me that seem to contradict themselves because you both chose madness, so why are you both torn apart? Maybe I'm misunderstanding the meaning.
Hello!anum
Looks like your off to a great start. As a reader I do want to know more about Suri and her family.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
One was bigger, in which the father slept, and the other was smaller, which Suri shared with her mother, and sometimes, her brother. red comma may not be needed.
Suri had still not forgotten the conservation that she had had the previous night with her father, and it deeply disturbed her.did you mean conversation?
I wish he could learn to be a little more responsible, and inform me if he does not plan to come home," the mother said, as if almost reading Suri's thoughts.red comma may not be needed.
Why can't I stay out as well, and participate in the cricket matches?" the little girl questioned, her eyes wide with innocence. red comma may not be needed.
The hurt in Suri's big brown eyes caused her heart to ache
The woman got up, and wrapped her arms around her small girl. Suri almost forgot about everything, as she enjoyed the warmth of her mother's embrace. red commas may not be needed.
I don't believe it was a coincidence either, and I agree He is always there, and knows what's best.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
We moved{,} and she came over and said that she would like to buy me a beer or a soda for my trouble
The girls were off playing{,} and I was sitting there with my coke
Later{,} as I thought about this it made me wonder why does it seem like on some things
I enjoyed this story, and I will be reading the parts I have missed and anything new you've added.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
How she wished it would be as simple as sneaking up behind them, and driving a blade into their backs.
“Thank you, milady,” he said as he put a thick tome on the table, and rested his umbrella against a corner.
He quickly adjusted his specs, and stared down until his nose almost touched the page. comma may not be needed here.
This is the second poem I've read of yours and it like the first is beautiful. You do have a lovely way with words and images. Your pieces are a joy to read.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
I have on question why did you spell flys instead of flies?
I liked the story and the characters are interesting and well described.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
I made my way to the office {,}so I could sign-in for the day.
Ms. Bea’s was holding a gospel revival inside with the help of her compact disc player. I don't think you need the apostrophe.
What a great story! I love a happy ending. It reminds me of a movie you might see on the LifeTime network.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
She was praying she could see a policeman or a police station{,} but instead there was nothing but desolate damp streets in that cold night.
In spite of her blurred sight, she could now detect a glitter at the end of the street{,} but the steps behind her were getting louder and louder.
A man in his thirties had been accused{,} and he pleaded guilty.
Hello!Jess Sherpa I found this interesting because I know how people talk about and treat others who are faithful to their religious beliefs. Why isn't it normal to stick to your beliefs in the eyes are the people who have conflicting beliefs? Who's to say which is right?
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
As I walk back to my desk{,} I almost bump into Janet and my coffee splashes a few drops, barely scalding the webbing between my thumb and finger. She smiles{,} and I smile back and make some joke about being clumsy and I wonder whether she'll talk at the party about how sad it is that I've become a religious fanatic. I don't let on that I'm thinking anything though. Letting on will get people saying that I'm acting weird, less happy, and then that will be because I've become a religious fanatic, etc... I wonder whether Jehovah's people are always feeling like this. I remember that the Bible says that Jesus was "a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief"{,} and that "we hid our faces from him" and I wonder if everyone will hide their faces from me{,} or whether I will hide my face from them.
Hello!Rachwrites82
This was such a sad story, but lovely because of the strong love between Jackson and Anna. I enjoyed it.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
principals’ hand,:principal's hand.
Principal Marks' speech,principa Mark's speach
Annas' gaze:Anna's gaze: when the possessive word is singular like Anna's gaze you put the apostrophe before the s, if it's plural like girls' dresses then it's s'.
He reached out and took hold of her hand. He used his other hand to reach in his back pocket and take out his cell-phone{,} so he could call his parents and let them know he was leaving with Anna.
The restaurant was dimly lit, and they had a band playing string instruments, as they ate. I noticed many places where you have a comma before as, usually that is not needed.
He knew her Step-Father was a drunk{,} and Anna had always taken care of him.
This was a little confusing for me as I read. I had a hard time following what was happening throughout the story. I did understand it was about a moving and a mother looking for something.
You did have a few good lines in there that described moving:
our four- year -old suddenly discovered that all the lights had dimmer switches, this is a funny image.
Eventually I will find the secret hole the dog is escaping through to terrorize next door’s cat and I will even learn to roll over relatively undisturbed by murderous growls outside the bedroom window. Though it sounds like an alien to me the obsessive- compulsive lawn mower next door assures me it’s simply the local possum come shopping for our mulberries this ending paragraph is also funny to me
These are the words of a jilted lover. I'm sure many people can relate to this piece. The title fits well, I like it.
I have a few suggestions that you can use if you wish.
Perhaps she deserves those sentiments, I was clearly a liar and a cheat{,} but I guess Ii had my charm. She is Snow White{,} and I am the wicked step mother. Still, you broke my heart so perhaps I am not as cold and unfeeling as you had once believed.
The phone remains silent{,} but I haven't won.
I was sureI i'd never forgive you for sleeping with that girl.
Funnily enough,I i'm pretty indifferent.
This is a good story. It just needs some editing.
Firt of you need to capatilize the beginnings of your sentences.
Whenever you have dialogue like:" No," he said. you need to remember the comma inside the quotes.
There are also some places that need commas. You have some compound sentences without commas.
You should also break up the dialogue. Start a new line when someone new is speaking.
I have some examples below:
Melissa stormed to her second hour class. She was angry more at the principal than Mr. Lonile because the principal hadn't seen what Jacob needed.
"HEY! Melissa! Wait!" someone shouted.
Melissa rolled her eyes and turned around.
The new kid caught up with her. "Hhi, Ii'm Scott{,}" he said, holding out his hand.
"I know{,}" she said turning around and denying his introduction.
Hello Beauty
This is sad, but makes the reader think.
Why do I love death like its a gift giving by someone to me, and asking me to cherish it.the wording isn't clear in this sentence, maybe:
Why do I love death as if it's a gift given to me by someone asking me to cherish it?
Smart beautiful girl is lost in her life no one is there for her everybody has neglacted her sometimes she wishes to do things that her heart desires, but someone stops her from living, and she has no choice but to bow to her rules. Maybe break this on into more than one long sentence. A smart, beautiful girl is lost in her life, no one is there for her, and everybody has neglected her. Sometimes she wishes to do things that her heart desires, but someone stops her from living. She has no choice but to bow to her rules.
Never in her life she ever felt happiness the only friend she had was lionliness she knew that lionliness would always be there for her as days passed by her life got terrible she wanted death to knock on her dorr, and to take her away from this sadness, everyday she hoped that her dream might come true. Maybe break this one up too:
Never in her life has she ever felt happiness. The only friend she has was loneliness, ans she knew loneliness would always be there for her. As days passed by, her life got terrible. She wanted death to knock at her door and take her away from this sadness. Everyday she hoped that her dream might come true.
Sometimes she wonders what if she never knew this world would it make a difference to her. Maybe:
Sometimes she wonders what if she never knew this world; would it make a difference to her?
Why does she smile her shadow is crying.Maybe:
Why does she smile? Her shadow is crying.
why did she gave up on her life, but now nothing is worth it she just wanted to go some where were there is no one there to judge her or to make her feel ashamed of her pain. Maybe:
Why did she give up on her life? Now nothing is worth is, and she just wanted to go somewhere shere there is no one to judge her, or to make her feel ashamed of her pain.
This is a nice little story. I enjoyed it.
I have a few suggestions:
Use capital letter at the beginning or your sentences, and the I's.
Spell out numbers like eleven, and so forth.
Spell out and instead of using &
as the morning(i am up at 8am) progressed i realised that the lawn service people were late again. hence 11'ish comes to pass & they arrive.
Maybe rewritten like this. I was up at 8:00 a.m. As the morning progressed I realized that the lawn service people were late again, hence elevenish cmes to pass and they arrive.
Hello Random Element
You've done a good job with description and bringing the reader into the story, but as I read it felt as though words were missing making the story slightly confusing to read. You also seem to switch verb tenses.
Example:
A mixture of boredom and apprehension suffuse the cabin, quiet tense conversations are heard, details lost by the drone of the engines, somewhere a joke is made and a laugh is let out, quickly stifled as if here laughing is taboo. Soon silence rules in the cabin as landing approaches. Pitch and roll, the tension increases, out of the window a road flashes by, then a field, then lights, tarmac and then earthbound
Maybe changing it a little like this:
A mixture of boredon and apprehension suffused the cabin. Quiet tense conversations are heard as detail are lost by the drone of the engines. Somewhere a joke is made and a laugh is let out, but quickly stifled as if here laughinig was taboo. Soon, silence ruled in the cabin as the landing approached. Pitch and roll, the tension increased. Out of the window a road flashes by, a field, lights, tarmac, and then earthbound.
I hope you find my review helpful! Gale
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That is too cute. I must say you such funny stories about the children, and I bet you'll never run out of topics. I do enjoy reading your pieces. 