Hello Dylan Shaw
I had to read this one because I've always been a big X-files fan. This is pretty clever creating your own lover story for Scully and Mulder. I liked it. Your dialogue was good too, didn't sound awkward at all.
I have a few suggestions that you can use if you wish.
It was unhelpable, he just was. This sounds strange,but it may just be me. But she wasn't about to start a romantic relationship with him. And he had a girlfriend, Tracythis may sound better reworded:
She wasn't about to start a romantic relationship with him, and he had a girlfriend, Tracy.
So{,} she let it go. Our relationship was amazing. But that was then.Maybe this:
Our relationship was amazing, but that was then.
She sighed. "I'm afraid of our desires getting out of control. We can't be together right now. And I'm afraid of the truth. And of this other woman." Maybe rewritten into three sentences:
She sighed. "I'm afraid fo our desires gettin gout of control. We can't be together right now. I'm afraid of the truth, and of this other woman.
What Mulder didn't know was that Tracy was awake in the next room. And she was listening.Maybe make this one compound sentence:
What Mulder didn't know was that Tracy was awake in the next room, and she was listening.
Scully came in then. "Tracy, I'm sorry for any confusion, but I'm not... With Mulder. He hasn't been with anyone but you." I wasn't sure if this is what you meant to write here. maybe Scully came in and said,
What a sad story, I feel so bad for the little boy and his family.
You did a good job with descriptions and bringing me into your story. I especially liked:
With hunger pinching his stomach, he walked up to the garbage bin and peered in. This was a great mental picture for me of the little boy.
I didn't see any errors, and I enjoyed the story. Gale
Hello Lu6cifer
This story had me laughing. What and imagination.
I have a few suggestions that you can use if you wish.
Sweating profusely, Darwin took the baked concoction out, and saw that it was a huge orange blob. the red comma is not needed.
Darwin woke up at precisely six o' clock AM, and saw that the orange blob had turned into what would be called a protist: again the red comma is not needed.
The protist was mutated, and had some sort of extra-growth hormone. red comma not needed.
Darwin hurridly got up, and saw that his room was full of short, orange, Oompa Loompas. red comma not needed.
Two of the Oompa Loompas mutated into Dlves, one female, and one male.Did you mean elves?
{,}so they wrote The Origin of Species, and made Darwin sign it, in order to give him credit. Take out the red comma and put in the black one.
One sunny, bright, morning, the leprechauns and elves ..Take out the red commas.
First, the elves arrived, and went to the fifth floor to pick up the bunnies. take out the red comma.
The leftover orange blob from the other night had transformed into an Oompa Loompa...who was spooning him. This is so funny
Great descriptions throughout the story. I enjoyed reading it.
I found a few places that may need a comma:
They made their journey together with such certainty{,} and she never saw them again. She wished she could go wherever they went. The dark orange leaves reminded her of Mammaw's pumpkin cookies{,} and she stopped to ..
The sensation shocked her{,} and she didn’t understand why.
Hello SueVN
I love the story, the idea of having a twin you never knew existed makes an interesting story. I like how in the end she decides to go find her. It shows what kind of person Sandy is.
I found a few places that may need a comma:
I've been watching him{,} and he seems like a fine boy.
"Mom, she's really nice{,} and she looks just like you. We've been playing after school{,} and she knows all kids of cool games
I was sleeping on a park bench{,} and he was waiting for you.
This is a cute story, and kids always do what they're not supposed too, so good idea to get that little guy to sleep.
I found a few missing commas, and suggestions that you can use if you wish.
"Mom, I need some water," said Tito.
"Here's your water Tito, sweet dreams," replied Mom.
"Definitely, parents always want the best for their kids, but sometimes kids don’t understand this, and they think we just want to bother them," replied Mom.
"You know Mom, I can see the future," said Tito
"I see that tomorrow I will do the most beautiful handwriting of all," Tito assured.
"I love you so much, and you make me so happy," Mom said kissing him on his forehead. "Get in bed and I will tell you a story”
mom liedlay next to him and while tapping his tummy she said:
One night, the little boy was reading a book, and his mother had a great idea. She said," hey little boy, you are not allowed to sleep at all. You have to be awake because your father forgot his key and when I fall asleep I don’t hear the door bell, so don’t go to sleep and open the door when he comes." Mom went to sleep, and sooner than she thought the little boy was asleep too. “I should’ve thought about this before,” she said.
Hello J.Harding
This is a great start, it leaves me wanting to read more. I think you've done well with the descriptions. I can see the incident taking place.
I found a place that may be in need of a comma.
I spat back at her, and she cursed me.
bringing up mushroom clouds of grit with every laboured step.: This description was great.
Hello Matthew C.
This is such a wonderful story. I would love to keep my children young and innocent, but they grow up, and too fast. They surprise sometimes with the things they know, and understand.
I found one place that may need a comma.
He offered my daughter many a "tick" over the years, and I was just keeping tradition alive, or something like that.
The ending was a great surprise. All through the story, I thought Rudy was something entirely different. Great job keeping the secret til the end. The story captured my attention right away and held it until the end. Great Job.
Hello writestuff914
This is a great Christmas story. It is so funny, and this is a story children could enjoy as well. I like the descriptions of trying to sneak around, but the house is suddenly the tin man. That was great because it always seen the more you want to be quiet, the more you seem to make noised. I didn't see any errors either. I loved it.Gale
Hello demil
Love can be so cruel sometimes.
I liked your little story, I have some suggestions on punctuation that you can us if you wish. Also remember change your I's.
i was lonely and desolate, all alone in this home of ours called Mother earth{,} when love came my way. {"}No!!!{,}{"}Ii told love "I'm ok being miserable and lonely{.} i don't need you{.}" Butbut love wouldn't bulge. did you mean budge?it held me thightly and clutched at my hand like a child would clutch its mother.
"i can't let go{,}" love said{.} "i want to show you something".{."} i agreed but not without worry thugingnot sure if you mean tugging?: my heart,{.} i took little steps at first, not sure if i would fall, but love guided my steps and showe me awe.it was too good to be true, love filled my days with splendid layghterlaughter and set my heart to flight. it showed me waking up to a beautiful smile and a warm hug. i laughed more frequently, my mouth was never closed. "this is too much{,}{"} i said, i can't take it anymore{.}",But but i opened up my mouth and swallowed its beautiful air and inhaled that delicacy of sweetness. Maybe written like this But I opened up my mouth, swallowed it's beautiful air, and inhaled that delicacy of sweetness.
Then it happened, "{I've}i've got to go{.} " love said and made to leave{.}
"No!!" i cried out{.} "Dont do this to me, i can't go back to that dark and desolate life i had, this is much better," but love failed to listen to me that night, and left{.},Lovelove left me to cry myself to death and to begin to find my desolate home once more.
"i'm back{,}" love said after weeks of loneliness, my heart leaped inside of mespaceand i felt whole again, but love tricked me;, it showed me tisits other side{.}
"who is this?" i asked{.} "this is me{,}"love said{.} i sank to the ground in despair{.}
LOVED HAD TRICKED ME.
Hello Jessikah
I guess this was his lucky day! I enjoyed the story. I have a few suggestioins you can use if you wish.
The story is all dialogue and there are no quotes.
Jeez, this is the most annoying pizza I’ve ever tried to order. This sounds strange to me, he's calling the pizza annoying.
Do you really pizza is a good idea James? Your missing a word here. maybe think?
It seems some girls always fall for the bad boy.This would be a good story line for a longer story too.
I have a few suggestions for you to use as you see fit.
To the other girls Daniel was the outcast to the rest of the boys.To me the wording in this sentence is a little confusing. Maybe:
To the other girls, Daniel was an outcastcompared with the other boys.
He didn't play sports, he didn't have many friends and was sort of the high school loner. Maybe two sentences here?
He didn't play sprors. He didn't have many friends and was sort of the high school loner.
"i swear the boy is a loser, he won't even talk unless the teacher asks him a question" Missing some capitalization and a period.
"I swear the boy is a loser. He won't even talk unless the teacher asks him a question."
Hello Veronica Knight
You've written a lot of action and suspense into this flash fiction piece. You've done a great job. I didn't notice any errors or typos. I enjoyed it so much that I a have to give it the full five stars. Gale
Hello brenna_katelyn
I believe there a many with some of the same questions. I don't fear dying as much as I fear leaving my children and love ones behind. All I ask is I stay on this earth long enough to raise my children. I wouldn't want to leave them while they are still young. This piece gets the mind churning, and I liked it. Great Job! Gale
Hello Becky Z
I loved the story, it's a good thing Sam was there for protection. I could just see her stretched out in the closet as you described. Great Job!
I found on little missing comma:
Around nine all my help was gone{,} and I collapsed in a chair in the living room.
Hello L. A. Redheart
I enjoyed your poem, and think most people can relate to the feelings expressed.
I only have one suggestion that you may you if you wish.
The chaos that con trols my mind: Controls is broken up into two words. Gale
Hello AmyBallantyne
What can I say? This is beautiful. The images I see as reading are vivid, and I love how you tell of Jesus coming to the rescue just as the Bible has told us. I loved this. Gale
Hello ~*Christina*~
I wanted to read some more of your work. I have to say I've enjoyed it. This one is good. I like the yo-yo effect of her wanting him, trying to forget, and oops there she goes again. Gale
Hello Rikka K
What a heartbreaking story. I could feel the disappointment and confusion as her rose and heart shattered. I enjoyed the story though.
I have a few suggestion you can use as you wish.
He was blushing awkwardly, and I suppose I was{,} too. I don't believe that comma is necessary.
"I… I think we should stop seeing each other any more." You've got the wording a little confused. Maybe take out the any more.
I hope you find my suggestions helpful. Write on! Gale
You've done a very good job with this. It is definately a recognizable story, and an entertaining one. I didn't see any repeats throughout. I went over it a couple of times to be sure. Best of luck in the contest. Gale
Hello El Greg
This is an interesting poem, and it is well written. I have to ask, is there a reason for it to be written in all small letters. You have one word Except, and the last two words capitalized. Is there a point you're trying to get across that I'm missing? Gale
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