I loved the plot of the story. It was interesting and creative.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
If you go back over the piece you'll find some dialogue is missing punctuation like the two examples below. I also would like to suggest some spacing between paragraphs and dialogue as it would make it easier to read.
Jerry had been looking forward to his trip for moths now.months
“You’ll die if you get on that plane tomorrow{,} Jerry.”
Everyone knows passports can’t talk{}” Jerry thought
This is an interesting plot for a story, revenge!!
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
I think you need to work on proof reading this, read it out loud to yourself, sometimes that helps you find something that doesn't sound quite right, or if you missed a place that needs a comma or period. I think you've got a good first draft. Keep polishing it.
I knew he did itperiod I sat there right behind the stairs.
Watching him closelycomma I saw his every move meant. the word meant doesn't sound right, maybe you could leave that word out entirely?
...sister side said she was 25 on her birthday.This sounds awkward maybe changing it to something: when my sister celebrated her twenty-fifth birthday.
I have had to spend the night with here only me her and Eric her boy friend. Maybe I had to spend the night with my siter and Eric, her boy friend.
God{,} I can still here the sirens in my ears. I like this line, it's give a good description.
With all the lovely, scenes you paint with your words and your optimistic view, how could any one feel depressed after reading this? It brought a smile to my face and good thoughts into my mind.
I was drawn in by the title. It had me laughing, imagining all those woman flinging Thankgivings dinner around at each other. I also liked the added PS and PPS.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
Again I saw no errors and no typos. I enjoyed the read.
I like the way you used the Writer's Cramp prompt to write about your life. I enjoyed reading about the way things used to be. Your writing makes it sound like some great times.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
I didn't spot any errors or typos and I personally didn't see any need for improvement.
I enjoyed the story so far, and the images you've created are great.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
Slowly iI get back up and blunder towards the wreakage that was the proud machina.: machine? I noticed you spelled it with an a several times, but I wasn't sure if that was intentional.
The wars have taken everyone iI have ever known or loved, why not me too...maybe add a question mark.
I weigh up my options, maybe iI will be able to see the coast from that dune, then iI will take it from there.
I enjoyed your first mystery, so I wanted to read some of the others too! This one is cute too. The crimes are solved a little to easily, but I think since it's written for children, it is still enjoyable.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
I was on my way to work at the grocery store today. I was in line for a possible promotion, and so was eager to work harder than ever.
He called back in that sweet, fatherly voice that I had come accustomed too.
I worked for about an hour stocking different random things when Mr. Potts told me we had a new product coming in today that I should start getting on the shelves. Maybe use different or random instead of both words, and just a thought maybe use items in place of things.
“I remember them being brought in, and set right here! What could have happened to them?” red comma is not needed.
“Yes sir, Mr. Potts!” I said went back into the main area.
I looked around the rest of the storea little bit, and then decided to interrogate some of the shoppers.just a missing word.
I like the quick thinking! You've got a cute story. It just needs a little editing.
Some suggestions you can use if you wish.
He needed some help cleaning up, and I told him I could do it after school every day.
But then,I heard something.Something that didn’t seem right. Maybe: But then I heard something, something that didn't seem right.
Two men wearing masks and holding guns ran by me, while I stood there stunned and not knowing what to do. Maybe: Two men wearing masks and holding guns ran by me while I stood there stunned not knowing what to do.
That breeze was inspiring me, and so I wasn’t afraid, when maybe I should have been.
What a sweet story. I like reading about having a baby from the Dad point of view and hearing all his thoughts and concerns of the event.
My husband made trial runs to the hospital when I was pregnant and we lived just a few blocks away.
I enjoyed this story very much.
You have peeked my interest, and I would like to read more.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
,Aas Megan dragged Cindy into the center of the crowd, she shuddered.
Now look at me. Afraid of a lunch room full of teenagers, she thought. Maybe italicize her thoughts, and make this one sentence.Now look at me, afraid of a lunch room full of teenagers,she thought.
Although we thought I came through it oksay,
revilation: should be revelation.
What a beautiful tribute to your friend. It's so sad when a life is taken so young when there are many life experiences left for them. This really touched my heart.
Some suggestions that you can use if you wish.
The song on the radio, crying out dispair. I liked this line, it always seems there are songs that always bring back certain memories.
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