That was great! I enjoyed your description of the grain of sand, and what it's life is like. You made it come to life and made that life interesting. You brought out it's personality by describing why it thinks being a grain of sand is important. I think your chances of winning are great. Best of luck. Gale
I enjoyed this article. I have found that there are still some decent, kind hearted people in this world. I have had some kind gestures from strangers in the past, and it makes a person feel wonderful to know there is still some kindness out there. Thank you for sharing your story. Gale
Hello Pratibha
What a great story! I was involved with the characters as I read. How sad to feel the guilt of something you honestly couldn't control. The ending was unexpected, but very fitting for the story. I really enjoyed this.
I have a few suggestions that you can use as you wish.
His life had changed{,} and there was nothing he could do about it.
The thoughts back in his mind. this sentence is unclear to me.
One wrong turn{,} and down you go!"
no body..nobody
One of you could wheel me{,} and we can really ..
Hello savvy angel
I enjoyed your poem. I think just about everyone, if they would admit it, has wished on stars, or do the he love me not flower petals. I used to make a wish a fallen eyelash.
The first two stanzas had a nice flow, but the last was a little out of sync to me. This is only my suggestion, but maybe you could break it up like this:
If I toss this coin into this well
will my wish come true,
or will it be wasted
like all the others,wishing on you
Hello Purple Lady
I can relate to the feelings in this poem. Sometimes losing friend after being more can be heart breaking. I have a couple of suggestions that you can use if you wish.
"Don't do this. Jo, your better off as friends."
Ididn't go in blindly.
Overall nice poem and very well written. Gale
Hello
B.P.Little
Sometimes I think my bottle is ready to shatter.
This is a very creative way to describe the trials of everyday life, something every person on earth can relate too. I enjoyed reading the poem, It has good rhythm and rhyme and I didn't see any errors. Gale
Hello potterpal
What a beautiful description of what love is. I loved the poem it was a joy to read. The rhyme and rhythm was great and I saw no errors throughout. Gale
Hello KC_Kola
The poor little boy had so much guilt, and felt so bad he almost drowned. It seems kids don't understand sometimes that they are the priceless ones. What a touching story. I enjoyed it.
I had only one suggestion that you can use if you wish.
..he was not their child and, it was not their watch. ..he was not their child, and it was not their watch. Gale
Hello Goo
I enjoyed this so much, and I have always loved Dr. Seuss. You've done a good job of that kind of rhyme, and the story told was of a tragic love.
I only have on suggestion, and it's only my opinion to use if you wish.
All it does is fall{,} but still she loves it Gale
Hello ~*Christina*~
Broken promises can hurt so much can't they? Your poem expresses that very well. It had good rhyme and rhythm as I read, and was enjoyable to read. I didn't see any errors. Gale
Hello Angelique_Revanche
This looks to be a good start to a story. Is it something like Harry Potter. I noticed the Hogwarts. When you add more let me know. I'd like to know, so I can see what direction it takes. The only suggestions I have are to capatilize your I's and watch the spacing with your commas:
..room, with the kids..
Look forward to reading more! Gale
Hello clem
What a sweet description. I could see her all put together. Everything was upbeat and happy, and It made smile as I read. I only have one suggestion in the last stanza, last line:
So brethe the breath of life. breathe Gale
Hello Roberto Vitala
I loved the prologue and would love to read more. You have certainly peeked my interest with your description of the story and the prologue. I didn't see any errors, but I was very into what I was reading, so something could've slipped by. Great Job. Let me know when you have more to read. Gale
What a beautiful tribut to a mother. This is a sweet and delightful read,and I enjoyed it. I didn't see any errors. I do not see any need for improvement. In my opinion it's perfect.
Gale
Hello,
I liked your story. The character personalities were well developed, I coud see them as they spoke ,and the dialogue was believable. You've done a lot with few words. I didn't find any errors or typos. In my opinion you've done a great job. Gale
Hello JERRY PETTY
What a sweet and delightful poem I enjoyed very much. It flowed nicely as I read and I found no errors or typos. The way you describe your memories and how they are put away for the future is great because it is so fun to look through old keepsakes isn't it? Gale
Hello Shaylah,
I think you did an awesome job bringing Tabbey to life. I would think that would be exactly how a cat's life may be, and to be jealous of Smokey is typical behavior. You gave Tabbey her own unique personality though. I really enjoyed this story! gale
Hello Startiara
I enjoyed this poem. I think it has a nice flow, but tell a tragic story. I see the events taking place while reading, which made me want to read to find out the ending. Gale
This is a beautiful and touching story. It gave me goose bumps while reading it. I can imagine how hard it would be knowing you're dying and reliving old memories as you slowly slip away. The ending was great for the story. I enjoyed it.
I have no suggestions for you, so 5 stars. Gale
Hello Brielle,
I enjoyed this story very much. I couldn't wait to find out how Clay was going to get himself out of trouble. What a brilliant idea, a hitman who is hired to off himself. I found that to be very original and creative. I loved your descriptions of the character,and the dialogue was great. Overall Great Job. Gale
Good story, althought I don't know what kind of contest it has been written for.
The only suggestion I have and this is only my opinion the sentences where you describe the teenager as having longish hair and blackish eyes. Maybe a better description of his hair, was it shoulder length, or longer? His eyes maybe their were dark grey or had flecks of another color?
I hope this helps you! Gale
I liked the idea of the light bulb point of view, and enjoyed the poem. the only line I didnt' think fit in with this is:
I knew this wasn't your mother. That just doesn't sound like something a light bulb would say. I know your trying the identity secret till the end, but to me that doesn't fit well with the rest of the poem. Gale
Hello
I feel the pain of loss in your poem and in my opinion it is well written. I like the idea of the pain and upset you fell as being Permanent Rain. That gives a great image to me of someone walking under a grey rain cloud, sad maybe even lonley. I didn't notice any errors, and I believe it deserves a 5. Gale
Hello, I think this is a story where a lot of married people can relate. they are bored or want something they're not getting from their marriage and take comfort with someone else.
I would like to make a few suggestions and you can use them if you wish.
misspelled
debaiting my suggestion is debating
cigerette my suggestion is cigarette
All she could do was think about him. For the past two years all she could do was think about him. These two sentences for me were confusing because of the repeated words, maybe leave out the first one.
I enjoyed reading your work,and I hope this helps. Gale
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Gale
