The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.
( The worn, rusted fire-escape rang and croaked with every step he took, rhythmically making his way to the top, as he had done twice a day, every day, for the three years and change he had lived in this building. As he reached the last landing, bright, cheerful sunlight struck his head and shoulders, no longer obscured by the neighboring building.)
Here I think it would help to split the first sentence into two. In the next one, I would rewrite it compact and add as specific emotion in the person himself. Something like-“He reached the last landing as he stepped out of the shadow of the neighboring building into the sunlight. It struck his head and shoulders as the tension in his stomach released and the warmth on his skin made him sigh deeply.
(Julia was already up, he saw.)
Omit “he saw.” That much is obvious.
(Her details blurred milkily by the glazed greenhouse panes.)
“milkily” is not a word. It is also unclear what you are trying to say. Re-write the sentence-“Her details took on a milky blur through the glazed greenhouse panes.”
(The gardens were beautiful, but also necessary. The same scene played itself out on every flat rooftop in sight. If one were to look down on the city from a bird's eye view, it might resemble a checkered board of grey, glinting with bright emeralds. The food produced by these rooftop sanctuaries usually constituted the majority of the dweller's diets. The little food that made it this far into the city, from the microscopic farms representing all that was left of arable land not armored in concrete, was nearly devoid of nutrition. Barely enough to keep a body moving. With a population of nearly two-and-a-half billion, American citizens had two choices; grow enough food to sustain themselves, or descend into anarchy and violence, as hundreds of millions slowly starved to death.)
Here, “but also necessary.” does not sound right. Next how do you graphically describe something from a bird’s eye view when you never have?” Again, I would shorten your sentences. I think you can do that yourself.
(Certainly Arthur Zatras was glad he lived in an area that embraced cooperation. Several times they'd had a crop fail at a crucial time, and called on the favor of neighboring gardens who had excess. They returned the favor when their own yields were abundant.)
With this one, the last sentence modifies the neighboring gardens when you want to modify Arthur Zatras. Also you use “they” to refer to Arthur Zatras. Maybe you could say for your last sentence-“Arthur Zatras and his people returned the favor when their own yields were abundant.”
(Julia looked up as he closed the door and smiled, waving with her pruning shears,)
With this segment, it sounds like Julia is making her shears smile. Try something like-“He closed the door as Julia looked up, waved and smiled while holding her pruning shears.”
(Mornin' Jules", he said, and returned her smile.)
Here you put the comma before the quotes and change the rest of the tag to make something like-“Mornin’ Jules,” he said as he returned her smile.” The quotes before the comma happens throughout so it may be a culture thing hence I will not mention it further.
(As Arthur understood it, Neo York had once been called New York, city within something called a State. In the last five hundred years, it had grown to encompass the entire northeastern projection of the country. Similar growth had happened with Atlanta, Seattle, and San Frascisco, the latter two kept in check eastwards by the Republic of Utexaco, commonly called the Salt Lands, deriving from the unlikely originator, Salt Lake City.)
This verges on the edge of info dumping. I would break up the places and address them by ones or twos and give some backdrop on each on them.
( Julia snorted, turned back to her work, then seemed to remember something, "Hey, do you think you'd have time to take some things to Mallory's this morning?")
How can one “seem to remember something? You do or you don’t. I do get what you’re trying to say. Maybe something like-“ Julia snorted, turned back to her work, then a familiar memory slipped into her mind.”
(She nodded, and he busied himself in the greenhouse, taking care of mundane things. Putting half an eye to inspecting plants for health, and the other to stealing glances at Julia. When he first came here, she was living with a boyfriend. While he had quickly developed a small crush on her, her unavailability quashed any designs he might have considered.)
With this paragraph, I don’t think “mundane” is the word you’re looking for. Maybe “basic” or “general.” Also, your second sentence is a fragment. It is stilted as well. Perhaps something like-“She split her attention between the plant’s health and glancing at Julia.
(…The toxic miasma that obscured and made uninhabitable the lower half of the tightly-packed domiciles muffled his screams, and the impact.)
This sentence is a bit juxtaposed. Notice that I changed “impact” to “crash.” It sounds more audible in the mind. Make it as simple as possible:-“The toxic miasma obscured the lower half of the tightly-packed domiciles, muffling his screams and the sound of the crash.”
(Their total area was upwards of eight acres, and was a popular trading locus. During busy times, there could be upwards of fifty people working the rooftop.)
In this sentence “upwards” is used too close together.”
(Arthur watched, as if in slow motion, as a shockwave lifted him off his feet and threw him backwards into a row of tables filled with seedling flats.)
Here, it is the same thing with ”as.”
(The glass had shattered and become airborne, and as Arthur's hearing slowly recovered from a high-pitched whine, he could make out the screams and sobs of agony from the throats of unseen people who'd been in the path of shrapnel. Nowhere near, he was sure, the number of people who'd been lifted clean off the rooftops, and thrown into the bottomless spaces between structures, silenced forever.)
Here you could do some word chopping to simplify the paragraph and split sentences into smaller ones.- “The glass shattered with shards sent flying. The high pitched whine abated as he heard agonizing cries of out of sight people hurt by the dislodged glass pieces. But more people had been thrown off the rooftops in the spaces between the structures silenced forever.”
(His clenched his eyes shut, and a wave of morbid futility washed over him.)
With this, show how he is feeling. Perhaps-“He clenched his eyes shut, and a wave of guttural congealing filled him as his mind was filled with nothing but pictures of himself lying there dead.)
(…giving it the aspect of a kind of hyper-agressive insect, evolved to fight to the death over resources on a constant basis.)
In this segment, how can you tell something is hyper-aggressive just by looking at it? I would describe it to give it a truly hostel, intimidating appearance.
(It's mere presence hindered intelligent thought with an oppressive tonnage of ancient and entropic psychic pressure.)
Above, show how it encompasses these attributes. Give us pictures and actions.
(As it stood there, it's "head" smoothly swiveled,…)
I get what you mean by quotes around “head” but you should describe how it does and doesn’t resemble a head.
( Julia! He cried out silently. This thought restored some order to his chaotic, fragmented sanity. Struggling back to awareness, he had cause to question it once more when he heard a voice. Small and thin, a soprano whisper, seemingly in his ear.)
With this paragraph, you first need to say something like “He tried to cry out her name but it only sounded in his mind.” Next chop some words to make it something like-“He wasn’t sure when he heard the voice. He barely heard it and it was like a ghostly utterance in his ear.”
(The effect was not unlike a wind blown through a field of tinkling windchimes, receding into the distance.)
This can be chopped too-“It was like blowing wind through his field of thinking-that carried in the distance like receding wind chimes.”
( "Who...", Arthur half-formed the question while he searched fruitlessly for the owner of the voice/s.)
Here, the end should be-“voices.”
( Immediately he heard he does not, cannot, perceive, see, understand, he is broken, damaged, fragmented, we must, we shall, repair, make whole, improve, help._)
This is an excellent sentence. It portrays the juxtaposed, confused, of his mind. It simultaneously lets us hear the thoughts of the beings speaking, who or whatever they are.
(He looked at them again, trying to convince himself that the bean-sprouts did not just speak to him, when he thought he perceived a glimmer around them, just on the edge of perception, like the heat-waves rising from hot concrete in the summer. As he watched, the shimmer took on color, seeming to become more tangible, until it looked to Arthur to be similar in substance to the energies that boiled within the black-armored beast, except where those had seemed to be a distillation of timeless evil, these emanated an immense feeling of well-being and altruistic intent.)
Again, it wouldn’t hurt to break up sentences. You might begin by putting a period after “the bean-sprouts did not just speak to him,” then state the rest of the sentence by itself. Then do the same with the remaining ones. Fir the remainder of the review I will just say “split” or “chop” when it is needed. It is very easy to do so you will find.
(Still bathed in a serene afterglow, Arthur sat up, rolled onto his knees, and stood up. He brought his hands before his face. Feeling neither confused or afraid, he studied with a mild curiosity how the turquoise flames languidly rolled and undulated, flicking tongues tasted the air between the silvered and mirror-like plates that formed his gauntlet-like hands, arms; indeed his whole body seemed to have been transformed.)
The third sentence could be split up. Also show and not tell how he feels “mild curiosity.”
(…unconsciously mimicking the dread-beast before him, and with another micro-nova, launched himself directly towards his opposite.)
Here, the” launched” modifies the beast and not Arthur. Maybe something like- “And with another micro-nova, he launched himself directly towards his opposite, making an involuntary mimic of the dread beast.
(The being that Arthur had become, and the dread-beast, were diametrically opposed, one representing entropy in it's purest form, the other representative of the raw stuff of creation itself.)
Here, the meaning of the sentence is a little garbled and can be chopped.-“Arthur’s changed being and the dread beast were diametrically opposite. The former was like the purist entropy and the latter like raw creation.”
(Presently he sighted it, and his home-garden. Another couple vectors would bring the beast down right on top of it. Thankfully it's own movements seemed just as hampered and erratic as his own had become. How was he going to get close enough to this thing to deal with it, when it came down to it.)
One thing I want to stress about is words that can be omitted. Through the whole story, this happens. Try to avoid using “refined speech” in your narration. Although it may sound distinguished, it only repels the flow and effectiveness of your work. In this paragraph, leave out “Presently” and “right” and “seemed just as hampered and…” You could have something like this-“He sighted it, and his home-garden. Another couple vectors would bring the beast down on top of it. Thankfully its own movements were erratic as his own had become. How was he to get close enough to deal with it?”
(Cursing himself for not realizing that sooner, he aimed his next vector diagonally to the beast, and launched the instant it did.)
With this, the last part sounds off. Try something like this-“Cursing himself for not realizing that sooner, he aimed his next vector diagonally, then launched at the beast at moment it attacked.”
( He wanted desperately to look for Julia, to make sure she was alright.)
Here how can you “try” to look for something? I’d change it to this-“He wanted desperately to find Julia, to make sure she was alright.”
(Shaking and weak, Arthur stood on legs made of jelly, and haltingly made his way to the edge of the rooftop where he could look through the vegetation.)
Here how can you move when you are “halted?” Also, how can you “look” through vegetation. You could have something like-“…made of jelly, and halted at times as he made his way to the edge of the rooftop where he could look through at the vegetation.”
There are some things I want to stress: describe emotions instead of naming them, shorten and split sentences, remember that clauses always modify the noun directly before it, avoid overuse of adverbs, and omit needless words. These were all things that were pointed out to me while I was first developing my writing a few years ago. Keep these things in mind when you begin your next story. This piece of yours could be awesome if it was tempered a little!-honestly! There are some very cool elements sprinkled throughout the story and your quick pace creates exhilaration and suspense. I hope you found this helpful. Keep writing and good luck!
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