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Review of A Discovery  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.
“To” should be “too.”
(… It was almost to easy to get in but I was there.)

Here, the first sentence is awkward and could be compacted a little. Do not use “this” so close. Secondly, it sounds confusing how you sort of repeat your thoughts with “This wasn’t expected” and “when I decided.” You made little blip with “on this place” instead of “in this place.” Finally you need an “It” at the start of the second sentence.

(This wasn't expected when I decided to go spelunking on this place. Looked abandoned from the outside,
every rundown, smashed windows, holes cut in the fence surrounding, the whole nine yards.)

Here do you mean to say “there hasn’t been people exploring this place for a long time”?
(there's been people exploring this place for a long time.)

If so you kind of contradict yourself when you say-
(I gave I hard tug and the steel door smoothly slid open silently, not a single groan or creak, as
though is door has been maintained.)

Below you are already suing the present tense beforehand and this throws me off a little. To fix this begin with something like “My memory begins with...” or “As I recall the haunting experience of that night when…”
(This brings me to present time)

“a “ needs to be “and.”
(With some flips and no result a my hopes dwindled.)

“amazing’ needs to be “amazed”
(Taken a gander at from end to end, width and length I was amazing at the size.)

“you” needs to be “you’ve.” Also the second sentence should start with “These.”
(Why turn back when you gone this far? This feelings all part of the thrill.)

“can” should be “can’t” and “argued” should be “argue”
(True, true, can really argued with that logic.)

Note; by this time in the story, you have switched tenses from the part when you say “This brings me to present time”

Below, you use the form of “I am” too close together. Also omit “a” that is before “tripped.”
(Indeed I am. Im getting a tripped out, I need to leave. Now!)

Who is saying this? You need to specify that. Furthermore put thoughts in italics. It is confusing when you just throw them in there.
(What?! No! You're crazy!)

“can” needs to be “can’t”
(It been 15 minutes and I still can find my way out)

“nit” must be “not.”
(I can't, nit now at least, I need to get out!!)

Here, “list” must be “its”
(The voice remained silent, and my body continued to move on list own)

“of” must be “if.”
(I had to take action, sorry of I gave you a scare)

Below, “cover’ must be “covered.” “Food” should be “flood.” “Of” should be “if.”
(I rubbed my fur cover thighs and then buried my face in my hands... or are they paws now. I let a food
of tears out crying not know what was going to happen, how I was going to end up, of this was the end.)
Put “not” between “head” and “knowing.”
(I raised my head knowing what was going to happen.)

“Curtailing” should be “curdling.”
(All I could do was let out a blood curtailing holler of pure pain.)

All the advice is summed up in this: PROOF READ YOUR WORK! A good method to do this is go back every five-hundred words or so and slowly read what you have out loud. As a side note you need to change this to an 18+ rating for the continuous use of the “F” word. Write on and happy WdC anniversary!




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Review of City Of Rain  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.
This was a very in depth glance at the life of a law enforcer. It was very interesting. I did encounter one thing that persisted throughout it though; there were very coarse transitions and it might be hard to take in all the objects, ideas and concepts. Some people (not myself necessarily) might find it hard to keep up with the immense amount of content you skim over. I would try using more, creative methods to do address this. For example the paragraph below-

(Chicago was always a rough and tumble town and a sheriff’s badge gave you a feeling of being part of the scene, someone who was “In on things”. A lot of our guys had sidelines that were actually more important than their jobs. In fact, many of them had sheriff jobs just to make their sidelines easier. I was always getting calls from people offering me “hang around” jobs. A hang around job is simply hanging around the store looking nasty and letting people see your gun bulge.)


Could be changed to- Chicago has seared a gritty, low-down, gruff and tough imprint on my senses. But a sheriff’s badge endowed me with a special hawk’s point of view over the hush-hush “in on things” run down. A good group of our boys got stuck with sidelines that held really held heavier weight. Some finicky people are always hassling me by phone with “hang around jobs” where we just play the “cop on the beat” part at some other wise pleasant supermarkets making good citizens flustered and tightened up at the grim sight if a hotshot sheriff and his spiffy, bulging gun.

Here I am using an informal tone to give more appeal to the narration. It is more inviting and comfortable to the reader instead of using random strings of narration. Anyway this was an interesting peer into the life of a Chicago sheriff and all the new things I learned about being one. Write and Happy Wdc anniversary!




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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Romance is not my forte but I found your story engaging. It was so adorable and memorable how you presented it all. I could not find any errors. Since this is a YA romance, the need for deeper, more articulated emotional reflection is not really warranted. However, if you did do go deeper into their feelings it would have drawn me in more. The first few dialog lines were a bit mundane. I think it would be helpful if you started the talking with something more spontaneous with something more direct and exciting regarding the relationship with Gavin and Kate. Maybe having Gavin say something that would make her blush with or embarrassment or get aggravated or annoyed. If you did do this, remember to put in concise emotional reflection. Another thing you did do well was the order that the story flowed. It was easy to follow and there were no irrelevant, quirky tidbits. Your story was very sweet and adorable. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

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Review of The Healing River  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

After reading this twice, I found minimal problems, all of them quite minor and easily fixed.
Below, since only the man is there to sense the smell I would just say “The smell was overpowering to the man.” For the part after the comma, I would a more emotionally convening narration. Maybe like “He was eager to be emerged in the effervescent, calming water and he glided swiftly into the lake.” Everything else was very descriptive and pertaining to the senses.

(The smell is overpowering, even to the man himself, and he wastes no further time in stepping forward.

Carefully he wades into the river, allowing the chill water to envelope his already-numb body.)
This example was a technical one. I know what you’re mean but it helps for its own sake. Here a tire does not brake but car does. I’d just say “car breaking.”

(The abrupt squeal of a car tire braking)

Below is verb error. It seems that your saying that the “soil” is doing every cautious step.

(The loose, sandy soil sighs with every cautious step, and at the water's edge the noise stops.)
There was one other thing that was really overlooked. That would be emotional reaction. I understand that you except the reader to glean the emotions from the deep descriptions but I little bit of direct emotional depiction would have helped. I congratulate you for such a “tight” exposition with very rich elements.

This as a very good concluding warp up. We feel the exultant, sweet release of the waters healing properties. I like how you say he “openly” weeps. It really further amplifies his overflowing emotional state.
(Raising his hands to heaven, the man gives a shout of joy, offering up praises of thanksgiving to the new day. He weeps openly, tears of happiness that streak down his cheeks and fall to earth.)

One final piece of advice is to put some order into the descriptions. They come very randomly and sometimes it is hard to take them in all in at once. Like a said before these are all sentence level things easy to fix. I hope this is helpful. Write on and Happy WdC anniversary!



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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Any errors, typos, inconsistencies (if any) are eclipsed by the powerful, brutally honest account of the shameful state of our once benevolent, honorable society. Though you say that God “Has Stopped Believing in America” I don’t think He has abandoned us, so far that is. Very good work!

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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This was quite good. There were no grammar or sentence level errors. The syntax was good and there was a feeling of progression through the story. It was easy to follow as well. I enjoyed it with no interruptions or confusion and let me tell you that is something I rarely see. The only problem I found was the tone at the last paragraph seemed to be a third person narration put in quotation marks. It skimmed over information like a summary instead of an explanation from the man speaking. Other than that easily fixed quark, you made a great story that was funny and vivid. Happy WdC anniversary! BTW, was this for the Writer’s Cramp?

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Review of The Ship  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

Before I begin I will state that I have not reviewed poetry in a long time. Although I can write witty, enjoyable poetry, it is not really “correct, conventional poetry” so bear with me.
Two things I spotted were an irregular meter and lack of the two basic components; simile and metaphor. Classic poems generally also have shorter lines. I also feel a need for more powerful words. Just throw them in anywhere. For example, you could put in the word “tumultuously” rather than “nervously” in the first line. Or I this line “Again the sky was dark as night” you might put “Again a dark sky stained the night” Just play around with it. Like I said, I need a primer on “proper” poetry, but I hope this helps. Write on and happy WDC anniversary!



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Review of The Island  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

Fantasy is my genre. I love it! Yet I feel this could be more nostalgic. Give more substantial reflection and description. Instead of giving an opening summary, give live, focused action that will lead into the succeeding occurrences. For example, rather than this-

(There were better things to do than sit around a dusty room full of judging eyes. Listening to tales of eons ago predicting her future. Didn't she have a say in any direction her life would take her?)

You may have-“She sat on a beautiful metal backed chair watching the dust float in the sunlight as she frowned, contemplating the reason she was there. Everyone in the room stared her down in contempt while they adamantly recited her destiny. They discussed the matter loudly without addressing her thoughts or even looking at her. She looked down and clenched her fists shouldn’t I have a say in this?”

And FYI, it is convenient to slip in little tidbits of magic talismans or to reflect on magical places in an example like the one I gave you. I would also give more exposition on the premise. The plot revealed mostly through dialog makes a little hard to grasp. Maybe a little summary and refection like what you had at the start would help. Keep writing and nave a good WDC anniversary!



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Review of Karpo's Forest  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

My biggest suggestion is to use more emotionally descriptive words. Make use of metaphors and similes to evoke mood and even make the scenery more vivid. There is also a little succession of loose sentences where there is random description. One thing that you did was put yourself into the narration. Use this method throughout the whole thing. Even if this is not really a story, try treating it as one so that we can follow the journey into this rich vibrant world. You kind of did this but put in a little mini premise. Perhaps you could be searching for something, or are being chased by a threat. There is a sense of urgency but the source is not clarified. I honestly think this could be really cool if you tweak it a little and doing so would be very easy. Write on and happy WDC anniversary!





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Review of Field One Defeat  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.
This is the only thing I found awkward. By “there” I think you mean the dugout. But it seemed a little vague and unconcise. I’d just say “down the dugout.”

(I ran past their bench on my way down there)

This was excellent. Sports are boring for me, but the fashion that you displayed emotion and inner thoughts of the main character really held my interest and attention. Your descriptions were good as well. The whole story had a very on-the-edge feeling that made me curios. I love the theme which was fully revealed at the end which I saw to be “Play to have fun and not to win” and also the value of friendship and working as a team. I thought this line was funny-

(Even if the other team was thrashing us in the most unnatural way,)

Describing a sport related story could be mundane with the succession of loose sentences making it humdrum, but you kept from making dull, loose sentences. Great job have and have happy WDC anniversary!


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.
Before I begin, I will say that your time tense really throws off your narration making it hard to understand. I suggest using past tense.

For this example, the beginning needs to be connected to the preceding sentence with a semi-colon or alter it to read “Those several good furs including three fine bear furs along with herbs and roots he had collected will bring a solid amount at market.”

(Several good furs and three fine bear furs, those furs and the herbs and roots he had collected will bring a solid amount at market.)
Here “this” should be “these.” Moreover it would sound more fluent to switch the last part to the begin like so: Though it is not uncommon for these roads to be long and empty, no one travels so far from the major cities.

(The road is long and empty, no other travelers today, though it is not uncommon along this roads so far from the major cities.)
Here you need a comma after “horizon.”

(After most of the day has passed and the sun is beginning to settle towards the horizon he comes upon the small town of Osell, his favorite part of the trip.
Here you have a fragment. You could add “were occupied” at the end to fix it or rearrange the words. You also need an apostrophe after “n” in the word “towns”

(Only a few hovels, a longhouse that stores the towns food stores and trade goods, and a small dueling arena are encircled by wooden walls, only recently built)
With this one you misspell “merchant.” Also the second sentence seems stilted. Who are the lizard people? I would also change “the swamplands” to “their swamplands.”

(A wagon from the regular merchat sits idly by the front gates. A few lizard people hurriedly finish their business before returning to the swampland homes.)
Here omit “from behind” at the end and add a comma after “distracted.”
(While he is distracted a young woman appears behind him and grabs him from behind.)
With this one put “over “ after “checking” to make it stronger.

(At the gates to the town he finds the merchant checking his wagon over)
Here below change it to something like: Along with a few things from town, he brings back several items including things he collects from the swamp.
(He brings a few things to the town, but brings back several items the town farms and collects from the swamp.)
I have barely begun and I have found all these errors. Do some changing and I will read the rest of it. Remember not to use words that are too close together. Put your point of emphasis at the end of your sentences for clarity. For example with this sentence-
“He keeps glaring at him for a few moments”
All you have to do with this small line, write- “For a few small moments, he keeps glaring at him.”
This little change strengthens the statement.
Finally, watch out for fragments. Use complete statements. Like most stories that need major editing, this has potential! Like I stated at the beginning, the present tense seems to cause problems for you. I would have trouble myself to write in the present tense. But if you want stick to it, more power to you.
Happy WDC anniversary! Write on!





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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

My main piece of advice concerns the story line; there seems to be none. It sounds like a brief account of action with lots of description for the sake of description. A part of this I think is the length of your work. It is short. Was this due to a word constraint? If it is not, I would make it bigger so you can create a story with dialog and character development as well interaction that drives your premise. Also, don’t just narrate action and description as you think of it. Try to make things work in order. A good way to do this is to state what the contents you have in your paragraph in the opening sentence. Likewise, use them to show change in setting, main action and such. I did spot a few grammatical errors too but nothing major. Anyway, with a little fleshing out and cohesion this could be good story. Happy WDC anniversary! Write on!



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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Your analogy is right on and it is reflected in the Bible itself. The Word says we must come to Him as children and have the faith of a child. Moreover, the Bible states that those who do not accept the kingdom of heaven as little children shall not enter into it. I loved how you humbly look to the child as the babe whose foolishness is wisdom. It comes naturally to them as you state. Specifically, one of the parts I liked was how you said that Christ may have sent a child to serve as an example. That ending line you gave summed up the whole piece for me. It challenges me to think soberly about what is truly wisdom and to be contrite hearted. This was short but was full of such importance and meaning. Thanks for the fresh outlook that I so agree with. As far as critiquing a personal relation, I do not think such a thing can be done. They are your feelings. Hence I only have good things to say about this. Happy WDC anniversary!

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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
With this one omit the comma between “though” and “they.”

(I wonder, “Does a tear have weight?”. I am not sure. What I do know, even though, they may be just evaporating fluid, each one could be carrying the weight of the world.)



With this next example, you need a period after “pain.”

( ...a broken relationship or physical pain, Maybe, I have been...)

Finally get rid of the coma after “maybe.” I understand you are pausing for emphasis but there is a proper way to do that but I do not know how. It may call for a semi-colon but I'm not sure.


(...world, I mean, who knows, maybe, it will even be paid forward.)


Now, to get away from my nitpicking, I will say that you did very well explaining the overlooked importance of tears and their source. I was moved by your examples and the illustration of delicate state of the human heart. I like how the ending that proclaims there is hope and comfort to the weeping soul. The only suggestion I have is to organize your points some more rather than a running dialog. The dialog was good but a little compacting and reordering would help I think. Great job and happy WDC anniversary!

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Review of A Faerie Tale  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was excellent! You totally pulled me in and you made me connect with the characters quickly. It was easy to follow and you put things plainly. With every sentence and paragraph you held my attention and drove me to read on in anticipation. I encounter few stores that do that to me. There were about four errors but it did not really disrupt the narration. One thing I will say is that I think Oberon became nasty and bad to abruptly.Oh, Maybe you could gradually put in bad little quarks that lead to more serious bad changes. The ending was lovely too. Oh, And remember to space your paragraphs and dialog lines. If this was a first draft, you have good natural talent. Great story, write on and have a happy WDC anniversary!!


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Here, I think you are overwriting with needless description especially with the last sentence. It really serves no purpose. You did a good job of describing but in this case it is not needed.

(Another crack of lightning lit up the bedroom. No vampires lurked behind the oak dresser pressed up against the wall to her right. On the opposite wall, the only thing that prowled under the mounted flat screen TV was a pile of shoes. Next to it, the closet door gaped open revealing only a mound of dirty clothes and a row of neatly hung dresses along with Jack’s uniforms.}

My main suggestion is to ask yourself if what you are describing drives the story. You did this well when you described Mr. Granger’s office because you are establishing his power and superior level. It also creates mood too I think. I do realize this was for a contest aimed at description and if was based just on description you did an outstand job. I took other things into account however. So, like I stated, this is from a single reviewer; gleam or reject what you wish. Happy WDC anniversary!


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Review of The Shadows  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Before I begin I will state that these are my own observations and conclusions. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not. .

This paragraph is a prime example of what I thought was lacking. There is a lot of missing emotion, specifically fear and shock. If something all of sudden begins to float in mid-air, how would you react? The husband and the wife are too casual about the whole ordeal. I myself also found some of your imagery to be confusing, like the part with the abyss which one would think to be coming from the floor. Perhaps the words “void” would be more fitting. One thing that would help this to excel more would be some dialog. Then there is you point of view. I don’t know what to think of it. It seems to be third person omniscient but you speak with “we” which is first person. On the positive side, your premise and description was very odd and nostalgic. The past clashing with the present in the way that you presented it drew me in. Maybe, though, some elaboration on some segments would help. I had a brief vision of what this story could be and it was magnificent. With some work, you could achieve it. Good story and happy WDC anniversary!



Here below, bird would not be out in the rain.

( I was not sure, it could have been a bird as well...)



(The next day something happened that made us finally talk about it. As we sat in our living room the old carved cupboard seemed to float above the floor for a few moments and then suddenly a mirror image of it drifted away from the cupboard itself and slowly moved to the other wall where it used to be. Then the whole spectacle vanished.)


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Before I begin I will state that these are my own observations and conclusions. Take and leave what you will.
In loved your story and I thought it was very cute and amusing. Watching Fred’s endless antics was enjoyable. The funniest part came at the end with “Be afraid! Be VERY afraid!” I have one overall suggestion. Use more emotions to reflect on how much you love Fred through immersing the reader with pauses where you go into detail. Have her het lost at times in deep reminiscence where you totally change to a serious mood instead of a completely playful one. This will create a deeper connection with Fred I think. A good place to do this is when the power geos out. Anyway, I loved this delightful, quaint tale of human and animal!







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Review of Dead Man Talking  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I loved the prisoner’s tone. It was detached and melancholy. It was very convincing and I found it easy to follow and emphasize with the unjustly accused speaker. It was short but that apparently actually added to the depressed mood; a few fleeting thoughts before doom. I admire the braveness of the person and his calm accepting attitude. I also like how his life sort of flashed before his eyes through some special memories and longing feelings. Ironically, not mentioning his charged crime brought me in and made me curious and it added to the nostalgia. I have no suggestions or comments for improvement. It was perfect. You’re a good writer and I envy you. Happy WDC anniversary!



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Review of 18 and Alone!  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Before I begin I will state that these are my own observations and conclusions. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

The biggest problem I had was the formatting of the story. It felt rushed and ended abruptly. A story must have a beginning, middle, and an end. It kind of came off as a monologue. I liked the story but I simply encourage you to pace yourself. Maybe it was due to a word constraint. I have faced that problem myself. You really know how to assign emotions to the protagonist and thus it helped to characterize the narrator. I felt that the ending did not fit the story. There is no climax or conclusion that encompassed the premise development. All in all, the thing that I took away most from this was the emotional confusion and loneliness of Joey. I really felt for him. Keep wring and happy WDC anniversary!



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Review of World Left Behind  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Before I begin I will state that these are my own observations and conclusions. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

Here you need an apostrophe after “sun” to show it is possessive.

(The suns rays glittered merrily)

With this one below, it would seem strange to take a key with you if sporadically ran out in your sleepwear. Maybe you could say that the character is used to his or hers parents driving out at any time of night.

( I stuffed my key in the lock and proceeded inside.)

Next, your second sentence is fragment. Combine the two sentences together to make it complete.

(thus the reason I wore long-sleeve shirts. When really, my choice of clothing was rather explainable.)

Here I think you meant to say “Through” the window.

( I stared at the window.)

Finally any way is one word-“anyway.”

(But, I went over to them any way.)

All in all, I think you were smart to use first person that filled this story with emotion, thought and intrigue. It was easy to follow and the ending was sad but happy in that the character is finally at peace. I must say that the parents are quite negligent and I got a bad idea of them. I found myself angry with their belligerence. I do wonder if they will care that he left. I would like to know what the main character’s name is. Good story and happy WDC anniversary!


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was excellent. Your synopsis of the human race from an unbiased POV was very thought provoking. You did an exhaustive explication of key facets of humanity. Bit what impressed the most was the readability and coherency that you presented your material with. It was complex, but you made it simple to understand. Using aliens to give an examination was very original and it made it interesting to see through their eyes. I think a copywriter could use this method to move people to action. Your summary was flawless as far as I could tell. Loved it man.


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Review of Three Swords  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (3.5)

The way that you used these two comments in paragraphs one on top of the other reduces the effectiveness of what you are saying. For the second one you could put something like “After lunch, Tyler noticed a problem.”

(He worked on his math lessons, and something strange happened.) and (After lunch something bad happened.)


Here, I don’t know what you’re trying to say. If you’re using it as description, you would have to write it out completely.

(Red.)

Remember to use separate lines when another person is talking. When Mrs. Wilmot talks to Lance, make a space and then put down the dialog.


(“He tried to kill me!” Lance screamed. “Be quiet!” Ms. Wilmot snapped at Lance. “Tyler, what happened?”)

Here, I believe a semi-colon is needed after “loud" or a simple period.

(“I want mommy.” He says out loud, the arguing stops.).

To start out, this lacks a few things, specifically characterization and description. Use some exposition to add depth to the characters. Use the five senses to do so. Inner dialog would be a good thing to I think. This was also cumbersome to follow. It was hard to tell who was saying what with your sporadic introduction of the people in your story. The ending required me to go back to what I already went over. What exactly did Lance and Mrs. Wilmot accomplish? Try being more precise and slow down by using details and character reflection. All in all, agood read. Happy WDC anniversary!

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Review of A Single Tear  
Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Before I begin I will state that these are my own observations and conclusions. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

Here, the statement is a little stilted. Use what is called the active voice by switching things around like this-“When they came to church the day of the funeral, Marilla was concerned. “I didn't think she would take it this hard,” she said.

("I didn't think she would take it this hard." said Marilla when they came to church the day of the funeral.)

I found no errors or grammar issues, but only sentance level stuff. I have only mostly good things to say. Great job writing in tight third person as someone told me it is. I did find the sentence that’s says “But Anne knew Gilbert wasn't there and that he wouldn't talk back but that wouldn't stop him from listening,” a little confusing. It sounds like a contradiction. You effectively portrayed and sustained the heartbreak inside Anne’s emotions. I loved the supernatural ending of your story. It was happy and a great way to end the story. Your characterization was decent, but more involvement and communication from the other individuals seen through Anne’s eyes would have been nice. With that said, I give congrats on a touching, bitter-sweet and memorable story. Happy WDC anniversary!


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Review by brom21
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Before I begin I will state that these are my own observations and conclusions. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

For the sentence below, I believe it should rather read like “He said he got rid of all his horses and that they would be gone from his property within the next two weeks.” It is just two words I am putting in, but it clarifies the statement.

(He said he got rid of all his horses and they’ll be gone from his property within the next two weeks.)

Instead of putting what you have, try something like this-“I checked it out on the internet and it is still in existence. I plan to phone Marion when I get back from my visit to America.” I think this is an example of what is called “active voice.” Do you see how much clearer it is?

(If it’s still in existence, and it looks as though it is since I checked it out on the Internet already, I plan to phone Marion when I get back from my visit to America.)

Those were the only things I saw. All in all, this was a very touching and heartfelt experience that was well written with emotion easy to glean. Congrats and happy WDC anniversary!

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