Nice poem about an abandoned little kitty that can't kill it's own food and doesn't like meat. Interesting characterr development. I wish this piece was less anthropomprphic and more feline.
Five stanzas of free verse only three of which are the same length.
This is certainly lyric-like with the simple lines and straight ahead rhymes. That is a real strength. Are these all verses or is one of these a chorus?
I had my first song published and recorded in 1975. This was at the nicest studio in San Francisco and I was hooked. I had a number of songs published and recorded by different bands over the next ten years.
I mention this to point out that what made for good songwritng then makes for good songwriting now.
The first publisher I went too listened to me play the guitar and sing 8 or 10 songs. Then he punctured my baloon with his brutally blunt opinion. His real complaint was that the songs were too complicated, each one was actually 3 or 4 songs. Best advice I ever got.
Back then I was also doing regular poetry readings in clubs and was able to gauge the effectiveness of my writing from the audience. They were much more interested in modern, avant garde, free verse, hallucinatory, and strange verse. I learned right away that they hated rhyming verse. Thought it wasn't cool, too old fashioned.
After reading your bio on your port I thought you might find these comments interesting. I actually have a few lyrics posted in a lyric folder at my port if you care to checkthem out.
Ha Ha. You did it without using the word blood. This is very readable and does not feel forced as sometimes happens with rhyming poetry. You have me picturing a dumpster diving fanged phony vampire. My favorite line is, "Pomegranate rocks my world."
It is extremely helpful to me to read this at this time. Thank you for sharing your experience with others.
Although I have gotten better about whipping people for what they write about me. Even worse, I confess that I have wielded the whip at poetry, etc...that they write and post. That is hubris.
Let me talk about me for just a little bit more, having just brought up hubris.
I have a sense of impatience running through my creativity. It was there 20 years ago when I was writing songs, playing them in bands and recording them. And writing articles for magazines. At that time there was a community that I was immersed in. I am looking for that here.
A community of creative people with interwoven interests.
When somebody doesn't get it it is frustrating. Every week I get told by people reviewing my daily haiku that it is too short. I actually just laugh out loud when I see that.
This social network goes a long way towards filiing my need for community and fellowship. I probably am leaning on it too much.
On a good note. I am only a pompous ass about 8% of the time, a tremendous improvement from where I started.
If you are still reading this lengthy screed, I apologise for running on so long. Particularly since my intention was originally to give you feedback about your creative endeavors.
You display both a sense of humor as well as a sense of equanimity about you.
This piece is part mysterioso, part confessional. You ask the reader to tell you what they think it means. OK. Like all poetry it means to me what I think it means, not what the poet thinks it means. A note aboutcreating and meaning. personal experience with. I can't count the number of times I have written a song about something really specific only to have it become about something totally different that has come up since I wrote it. Same for me with poetry.
Well, What I see is to utilise the things I already have to become fulfilled and balanced. I see that this quest includes insanity and I quite agree.
Vengeance is misspelled as is vengeance.
You have the germ of an idea here which leads me to a couple of comments.
1. This piece needs to be printed out and edited with a ruthless eye. You have way too many long, long sentences. If you can say what you want to say with shorter, simpler sentences. this would be more powerful.
2. Read it out loud and listen for awkward areas. For example in the first para you use the word "reared", a word I am not familiar with in this context.. I'll just give you one more example, you start the sixth para with the phrase, "first dusted off himself," which sounds awkward. The common usage is dusted himself off.
3. Like I said, you have a real strong idea to explore here. Move this piece through the editing process that is an integral part of writing.
"unchagrined"? can't find this word in dictionary. According to the Free Dictionary Online, chagrined means "A keen feeling of mental unease, as of annoyance or embarrassment, caused by failure, disappointment, or a disconcerting event" The word chagrined seems like a better choice for this poem
Also, this poem doesn't make sense after starting on a bus and then switching to Greek mythology and then back to a bus. Were there buses in ancient Greece?
With words like loosed, unchagrined, and minutiathis piece seems needlessly convoluted.
The fact that you supplied two paragraphs of information to educate the reader so that he might glimpse the meaning of this heady piece is offputting. I would like to see you write something for a general audience, not just ivory-towered intellectuals.
In a poem entitled, "One's Purpose?" the writer uses two five line stanzas and no rhyming to briefly touch on the the concept that everyone has a purpose.
Technically, the writer used some form of the same word twice. The word realization in the first verse and the word realize in the second verse
The word push is used three times in the second verse. In both cases, as this is a very short poem the overuse of these words weakens the piece.
The only other problem is more a question of taste, Every line is capitalized even when not the beginning of a sentence. This always feels confusing to me. Maybe other writers feel the same way. It makes it look like every line has exactly the same impact, weight, and power, which of course it doesn't. It sort of feels like reading an email that someone has written in all caps.
As far as the flavor the piece has a sense of pontificating to others from on high. The use of the word One's is imperious and sounds contrived. I assume this piece was written to tell others a universal truth. As the reader I am somewhat put off by this assumption, at least how it applies to me. And I suspect other readers. I feel that you make a good point in the first verse, that adversity can breed strength. Then you have to go and use the word one in the seond verse.
I feel this piece would be more powerful if this were written from your point of view and experience, The use of the word one feels as if Miss Manners were discussing how to lay out the silverware.
I guess I don't believe everyone has a calling. That characterization is what some have called juvenile utopianism.
I really liked it.
This is a well written contest poem. If this were a painting I would say the style was Realism. There is a sense of reminiscence found in an attic full of pieces of history. The verses express clear themes. This has a very comfortable, conversational, talking-to-oneself-out-loud quality. A very pleasureable read - peach
In the poem, "Fear," the writer describes six scenes using free verse. The poem reads as if were an excerpt from a larger work. There are references to things that happened before the poem and the explosion at the end act as a cliffhanger ending.A little confusing because early on the heart is drenched with fear and then later the heart is calm. Also the character sees a bow in the sky and I have trouble picturing that. Like a bow on a present. Like a bow and arrow. I liked this poem. The writer has a penchant for describing dramatic scenes - peach
Any rant deserve recognition. Imagine if you kept all of this inside, eating away like coca cola on an open wound. Now look, you made a bit of a start here, but you need to write write write until people don't matter and then awesome people will be drawn to you. Perhaps there are things only you can say. What then?
Good poem, however there don't seem to be places in the poem for the reader's relization. Aha moments where the previous few phrases are completed by a poetic punchline. Maybe breaking this up into stanzas would facilitate that. Reading this I cannot get the shape of the letter "w" repeating endlessly out of my mind. The shape is a repeating wave peak valley peak valley peak valley. The high point always as hight as the high points around it and the low point always as low as the low points around it. I read two of your other poems posted nearby and all three share this repeating "w" feeling.
Very good poem. Smooth words roll out jazzy. "Burning Rain Cometh," the title of the poem begins and ends with burning rain. I don't know what thet symbolises.This is a piece in two parts. The first part revolves around Uncle Sam as oppressor. Every oppressor needs victims and this poem spends the second half listing a number of sad groups of people who ultimately are unable to take responsibility for themselves. "Born in the life," the poem says as if it was a life sentence to born poor.
In a poem entitled, "Light," the writer writes a message of love to her love. An eight line poem with simple rhyming, this is a small pretty flower of a piece, that could not be confused with a bouquet. A pleasant conversational personal poem that promises a love so heartfelt that it will continue after death.
Ken, you are very good at writing in many different forms. I liked this form how in each stanza the line length progressed from long to short. I like your use of thrall and pall. A very good poetic description of the seasonal change from summer to fall.and soon to winter.Very nice - peach
In a piece entitled, "Infinite," the author paints a day in the life of a woman who works at a theatre. All day thoughts of water are introduced, an aquarium, tsunami, river. She refers to water as God's infinite product, but as the story progresses there seems to be a water shortage. The piece ends with a coworker musing about the flood in the bible that destroyed the earth at that time and how helpful that water would be now. I don't see any errors in punctation, misspelling, or syntax.The characters are a little two dimensional, no emotion is conveyed. The basic premise that water is infinite or should be is scientifically false. The earth has a limited amount of water and the availability of water has had tremendous historical consequences. Because there has been so much population growth in deserts and arid regions water has become a scarce commodity.
I enjoyed reading the piece and was surprised by the twist at the end.
"Duty Bound" is all about duty. In this case, duty to royalty, by a vassal. Modern duties I suppose would be to family, friends,an employer, one's employees, the moral duty to not tolerate injustice. The poem is well written, parts are downright conversational. There are certainly a lot more modern duties than I listed. Something to play with. Now, since I have your attention here I have actually spent a good amount of time thinking and discussing duty, responsibility, and the right use of will. I believe that one principle supercedes all others. That is the principle of the right tool for the right job. A person wouldn't use vise grips to hammer a nail, nor a slobber of spit in place of a level. A tool works best when it is used as it was designed to be used. So with people. I am a Peach shaped tool. You are a Luke shaped tool, and so on. The trick is to determine what we have been designed to do and do it. Easier said than done. After all I might not want to do what I was designed to do. Then there is of course the time consuming journey to self-discovery. Screw it I'll just be an accountant and make some money. Won't work if you were designed to be a musician/writer. It turns out for me that just pursuing money for it's own sake has never worked for me.. I will stop here. This is your poem and not my tablet for exploration. I will hold close what a Peach shaped tool is designed to do. I don't want to distract you from becoming a Luke shaped tool.
In a poem entitled, "Election Day Woes," the writer describes a surreal scene which includes a grossmark, (a word I cannot find a definition for in a dictionary), darkness, shodhooved desolates, I get confused at this point whom devours who or what, but, it is clearly accomplished by being ripped seam to seam. a parader is supporting something, again unclear, high banners, the answer will be nigh, then it says "then the victim stand," which should actually say then the victim stands or then the victims stand, humiliated by an elitist, racist, jug eared liar of a president and his elitist, fat-assed, horse-faced, racist wife.
Although I set out to review this poem in a methodical, systematic fashion, I ended up being engaged by the poem and compelled to write it this way.
The poem explores uses nature as the metaphor of the writer's body. I will take the authors word for the accuracy of the comparisons. The poem finishes nicely, giving a sense of balance to this piece. Since only limited parts of the body are used here I find myself asking the question, what are the hands, the legs, the lungs, the throat, the genitals, the neck, the,,,
A small, short love poem written with Elizabethan language. Identifies the maiden's heart as the finest part. The poem description is unnecessarily is redundant, using hide and hidden in the same sentence. Suggested improvement, A simple ballad holds a hidden message.
Entitled, "Weird World," this poem and explores the mirage that is self knowledge. By the end, the writer is still pondering his own authenticity. Overuse of the word, "but" serves to weaken the delivery. But is used three times in the first four line verse, five times by line 8, and 6 times in this four verse poem. Also the phrase, "got no answer" int he third verse is jarring as it the only colloquialism.
It is difficult to write a review and rate a post with 3 seperate poems. I prefer that poems be posted seperately so they can rise and fall on their own merits. That being said. I don't have a favorite poem, they are somewhat similar, using similar wording and phrasing throughout. They all are filled with arcane diction which feels unnecessarily convoluted, lines forced into awkward phrases, subservient to the need to rhyme.
In a poem entitled, "Time and a Half," the writer has given a description that declared that this piece is an oddly structured thought. Consisting of four quatrains with a simple rhyming scheme I disagree that with the notion that there is anything odd or unusual here. If the writer takes the time to read much of other authors poetry here he will discover that he is exploring a common theme with common words used in a common way. This review is meant as an eye opening wake up call to the writer to keep on writing and writing to discover his own individual voice. I know it's in there.
Sad poem about heartbreak and regret and the hypnotic urge to silently spy from a hiding place. This is very lonely. This poem captures the writer describing personal and private scenes of terrible discovery. The late midnight hours can be such a cruel season.
A grand poem entitled, "My Battle Cry," Irisisflower is caught mid-roar and not going "silent into that good night". With a self awareness of her people pleasing personality the writer asks a series of questions in a quest for a modicum of sanity. I say to the writer, "Hey yeah, that sounds right," not just because she requested it but because I relate to searching for the answers to the same questions. It is not too late and there is no need to die of thirst.. The thirst the writer writes of is the thirst for self knowledge, which rather than killing the searcher, is full of wondrous, powerful surprises.
keep writing - peach
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