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101
101
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, kristen_pfaff ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Such an intriguing beginning! You've got me hooked... and wanting more! I can tell this is going to be one fantastic story, and I can't wait to learn more about Jessica and the speaker. I can already tell you've got a knack for story telling, just from this one little "in-progress" excerpt. A few sentences felt a tad run-on ish or looked odd, but otherwise everything was well written. Unique, exciting, and enthralling... what a wonderful beginning!



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Please let me know once you put up some more of this. I'm very interested in the story. *Heart* Many hugs to you!
-Neko



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102
102
Review of Truth  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, Luky549 ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Now now. Don't say it's not any good! I found it quite intriguing, in fact. At first, there is no rhyme or flow to this poem. But as we go further along... a rhythm starts to pop up. If this was an accident, you may want to either a) get rid of it, or b) make the whole poem rhyme. I actually enjoyed the rhyming, so I'd suggest the latter part. The beginning of this poem, I felt, is where you need to focus most. It doesn't have the consistency that the latter part of the poem does. I wasn't sure where the piece was going at first, since it touched on so many subjects. You may want to make it a little more specific in the beginning, as it is near the end. I liked how you added in the card playing.

This poem definitely gets your message across, that you just don't care. I didn't see anywhere in the poem that shows you *did* care, so well done. (In other words, nothing really contradicted it). The three stanzas felt like they didn't fit. Especially the first one... since this is your opening, it felt like the poem was going to be about there being no God, so it is very misleading. You may want to change it up. Oh, and I was wrong! There may be a little contradiction. When you say "I'd like to..." in both the 1st and 2nd stanza, this could be a contradiction to "I just don't care".

Otherwise, this is decently written, and I can tell you've got a developing knack for poetry. I can see a lot of emotion to this piece, and I bet it could be even better if worked on a little more.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*


This is an excellent start and I can't wait to see what more you can make out of this. Please let me know if you edit it so I can possibly re-rate. Well done and keep up the splendid writing!
-Neko



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103
103
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, SonofDrogo ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is such a cute, funny, and awesome story. Very entertaining. Who knew that something which sounds so simple could be so very hard to accomplish?

It seems like it was a bad idea to pick an event such as making s'mores to show how easy it is to raise children. I felt so bad for the speaker (I hope this wasn't a true story... man, that would be scary. I feel so bad for you, if it was!). Poor Victoria, scarred for life... at least she didn't get as many battle wounds as the speaker.

You did great with the characters, for such a short story. Everything was quite realistic, and I can see why this story was awarded. Your writing style is simple, forthright, and easy to read. I got really into the story, too bad there wasn't more to it. It would have been nice to see how things went with Victoria, and how she felt about all of these events (like if she decided she never wanted to have kids *Laugh*). You are an excellent writer, no kidding. You caught my attention straight away and never lost it. I didn't see anything that needs improvement writing wise, though, I will list some possible errors/suggestions in the section below.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*“Yup. It is now, Nick.” I said, as I felt the hair on my forehead, curled, brittle, destroyed.
Instead of a period at the end of the dialogue, I think you need a comma.

*Bullet*Who the hell was this guy that concocted this madness: s’mores?
I think it may sound better if you say "the guy" instead of "this guy".

*Bullet*"Suit yourself. But you're gonna miss the best part. You're gonna miss all the fun," no response, only a glass-eyed stare.
Instead of a comma at the end of the dialogue, you may want to put a period, since there is no dialogue tag following it.

*Bullet*Try as they might, they could barely stifle their suppressed laughter as they sat munching on a snack of graham crackers and chocolate bars, They hadn't had this much fun in ages.
The last comma should be a period, since "They" is capitalized.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this (and for reviewing my work previously). This story was such an enjoyable read. I'll never forget it... Maybe I'll come back and take another look at your port for "S'more good, clean, harmless fun". *Wink*
-Neko


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104
104
Review of I Miss You  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, mellow pearl ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is such a sweet poem, Sad. It has a really nice flow to it (though, sometimes it strays. A few of the lines could use a touch up in the flow department, but for the most part it was good). Every single line portrays how you feel about your boyfriend, that you love him and miss him. The repetition just adds to the momentum and meaning of the poem, well done.

I especially liked these lines:
"Every time my heart beats,
it says your name aloud."

Those two lines sum up the poem in the best possible way. Beautiful!

I think word choice and language used could be improved. It feels like the poem is simplified a bit too much. If possible, try and stretch out a few of the lines to better convey your meaning in a more poetic way. Also, some words could be removed, as they are unneeded. I'm not saying the poem is bad, just that it could use an improvement. The poem itself was a sweet and enjoyable read.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*I miss you when I talk:,
There's a double space after the first "I". Also, the comma at the end isn't really needed.

*Bullet*you’re wonderful jokes,
"You're" should be "Your".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this poem! Did you show this to him? I hope so; he would definitely love it. You've got talent; keep writing!
-Neko


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105
105
Review of Broken Controls.  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, Cord ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

I LOVED this poem. It's fantastic. It's a bit simple, yet raw and full of emotion. I could definitely tell what you were getting at. Throwing everything away, because nothing is working. The first stanza was my favorite, but I felt the whole poem flowed extremely well. It has a nice beat to it, which certainly goes along with its theme. For a "quick" couple of verses, I felt this was very well written. It's packed full of emotion and meaning, which one may not get at first glance. I didn't see any errors at all. Well done. *Thumbsup* This is an excellent piece of poetry. You're obviously very talented.

Keep up the fantastic writing. Your work is raw, unique, and a mirror of your soul!


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thanks for sharing this, and please continue sharing your gift! *Heart* Have a Merry Christmas!
-Neko


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106
106
Review of Mother's Day  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, Shannon ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Shannon, no wonder this piece got published. It's an absolutely beautiful and sweet story of a Mother's Day. It's hard for the parents of a child to watch THEM give birth, especially when they may not be ready. However, the speaker in this story obviously supported her daughter, even though she felt that she herself wasn't ready to be a grandmother. The speaker comes off as brave, loving, and kind; something I'm sure most parents would want to exemplify if they were in the same situation. If I were ever in this situation, I would definitely hope that my mom would be that supportive.

I loved how this story ended, with Moriah giving birth on Mother's Day. It shows that all mothers, no matter how young, can celebrate this day. I also thought it was funny that Moriah hadn't expected to be a mother, yet she gives birth on that one special day. Very sweet!

I couldn't find many errors within the piece. The last sentence of the story seemed a tad awkward, but other than that (and the sentence noted below) the piece was well written.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Although her contractions were only 15-30 seconds apart she was comfortable.
I think a comma may need to be added after the word "apart" and before "she".


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this absolutely adorable and sweet tale of the birth of a new baby and a new mother! Great job. *Thumbsup* By the way, was this your own daughter? Just curious. *Blush*

Hugs and love,
-Neko


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107
107
Review of My Heart Tells Me  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, tsurtidogni ! Thank you so much for having reviewed my work previously. I'm here to return the favor and to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is such a wonderful poem! I love seeing members' items about WDC. It's always nice to see what others think about this wonderful site. You incorporated WDC quite well in this poem. Your love for this site and how much it means to you is easily seen throughout each and every line of this piece. There is no disputing how much you care about this place. *Bigsmile*

I couldn't find any errors at all. Grammar, punctuation, and flow were all great. You have a very unique style that I really enjoyed reading.

My favorite stanza:
"My heart tells me that I love you
Deep in my soul I also know
W.D. C. is a site for you, and you
Our yesterday, today and tomorrow."




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this. *Heart* I really enjoyed it. Keep up the fabulous writing!
-Neko


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108
108
Review of Mary  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, lureeasygoer! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This was a very inspirational poem about someone you met who made a great impact on your life. I was very interested about Mary. You've painted her out to be kind, determined, and gracious. She sounds like such a wonderful person with a great deal of love for others. I was a bit confused at the end. The reason for this confusion, is I don't understand what happened to Mary. Perhaps you could explain this more? I do think I understand about you working in her house though; I believe you worked there as a babysitter or housekeeper. However, if this is not a correct assumption, you may also want to clarify on that. One other thing, that bothered me just a little... was the double "Mary". I thought the poem could do without that. Or, perhaps put some adjective as a replacement for the first "Mary"... this way you can describe her or how you felt about her throughout the poem more. (Ex. "Lovely Mary"... and then the next stanza "Sweet Mary".... "Kind Mary"... etc, stuff like that.)

Otherwise, I felt the poem was well done. The rhyme and flow was perfect and I saw very little errors (the only real error I saw was two apostrophes in "children's". You need to take one out). Great job. *Thumbsup*




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing. I don't think I'll ever forget Mary. *Heart* Keep writing!
-Neko


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109
109
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, ♥Hooves♥ ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is such a beautiful poem. It's heartbreaking, full of love, sadness, and pain. I can feel Sara's love for Ollie, and her pain at having to lie to him/her. You've definitely captured her emotions and relayed them quite well to the reader.

The flow is wonderful and consistent throughout the poem. Your rhymes were also right on. There were no errors that I could find. Also, I adored the fact that you had some repetition in this piece. It really helped to link the stanzas together, and to give Sara's message to the reader. Very well done. The fact that you used "heart" instead of "I" also adds a unique factor to this piece. *Smile*




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

I loved this poem. It also got me interested in the actual story. I might have to stop by later and check it out. *Blush* Thank you so much for sharing!
-Neko


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110
110
Review of Bliss  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, Paralda ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

I saw this poem on "Read a Newbie", so I decided to check it out. Since this whole site is about writing (not to mention I love writing), the description of the poem intrigued me.

In the description, you say that you are very proud of this poem. Well, you should be. It is a fantastic piece of poetry which speaks to the reader of the feeling of writing. You've given the readers a good idea of this "joy of inspiration". And, as I was reading, I felt a tad bit entranced by the piece. *Smile* The way you worded things allowed the poem to flow extremely well. In a way, the poem almost seemed to have its own melody.

You've given this joy of writing life by mentioning several things throughout your poem. Some of those things were common and ordinary, while others were beautiful and majestic, things of mystery. And you're right, when you realize your dream, or receive inspiration, you are consumed by your writing; luckily, writing can be done anywhere, so that's not much of a problem. *Laugh*

You have a lovely way with words and your style was unique as well as eloquent. Great job. *Thumbsup*



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this; it was lovely and inspiring. I hope that you continue to share here at WDC. If you need any help with anything, please let me know. *Smile*

Happy Holidays, Hugs, & Love,
-Neko


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111
111
Review of Confined  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a really emotional and touching story. You have a unique way of writing which draws the reader inside of the speakers world. I felt so bad for the man, and I felt as if I could feel every single thing that happened to me.

However, there were some places that needed improvement. Sometimes you get so wordy that the purpose of your sentence is lost. I also noticed a few sentences that did not make sense. About the wetness on his wrist, what was this from? If it's not relevant, don't mention it. (Because otherwise, it felt like a teaser, when you didn't explain it). *Smile*

I'm sorry that this review is so quick, but I have some studying to do, and I wanted to review the piece before I forgot about it. I REALLY enjoyed reading it. I started tearing up in the middle of it. It's a fantastic story, but it still needs a little work. You've obviously got a ton of talent and I can't wait to see more of your work in the future, possibly. By the way, welcome to WDC! I noticed you were a little new. If you need help with anything, please let me know.

Love and hugs,
-Neko
112
112
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, Meg ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Wow, Meg! This is a truly challenging and awesome poem. I can't believe how well you put together those links. Not to mention it gives those writers whose titles you used to receive recognition in the community.

Everything in this poem flowed; nothing seemed off at all. Every single line made sense and it was a very inspirational piece. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed reading this poem. It was a delight!

I couldn't find any errors at all. Great job! *Thumbsup*


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's probably one of the best and most creative poems I've read in quite a while. You've got so much talent; keep up the writing!
-Neko


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113
113
Review of Colors  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Blush* Hello, Skyyler ! Thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" . I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is certainly an emotional and eye opening poem for the reader and author alike. You have some nice symbolism and imagery, however, I wish there were a little more imagery.

The beginning of the poem, to me, was VERY hard to read and understand. A lot of what you tried to say was repeated many times, but I still didn't understand it. It felt as if you could have shortened a lot of this, and taken out a few lines in so that the reader could get the big picture.

The latter part of the poem, in my opinion, was much better than the first part. It contained a lot more imagery, and I could practically see what the author was describing. It also had a great deal of symbolism, and this is where the poem got interesting.

I'd suggest revamping the entire beginning of the poem, that or completely taking it out. It doesn't feel like it is needed, and adds more confusion to the piece than anything. The latter part could also use some improvement, though not nearly as much.

There was some missing punctuation, and I'd suggest capitalizing the "i's" in your poem.

However, other than those suggestions, I felt this poem has a great deal of potential. You've got a unique style and way with words. Overall, the poem was pretty good. It just needs some work.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*"Ware" should be "wear", I think.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*


Thank you so much for sharing! You've got some talent, and I can't wait to see you improve. *Smile* If you ever polish up the poem, let me know and I will try to re-rate or re-review it if I have the time.

Hugs and love,
-Neko


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114
114
Review of Girls Night Out  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, Diane ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

My gosh, this was such an entertaining read! Your use of story titles was excellent. All of them made sense, which I know must have been hard to do.

You had some hilarious comments in this piece; I couldn't help but laugh a few times. The events seemed pretty realistic, as did the personalities of the girls, however, I felt as if it was a little plastic overall. Things just didn't flow, and I think the cause may have been sentence structure. Many sentences read awkwardly. There were also quite a few places that punctuation and grammar needed improvement.

Other than that though, I really enjoyed the story. It was a fun read, which I'm sure held many difficulties for you, in word count as well as inputting story titles into your work.



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing! I had fun reading this. You've obviously got a lot of talent. *Smile* Keep up the fabulous writing!

Hugs and love,
-Neko


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115
115
Review of Storm-story  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Blush* Hello, fyn ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

What a horrific, yet inspirational, story! Going through such an event must have been rough. However, it seems like you've found a great place to live, as well as some wonderful friends. The towns peoples willingness to help is very inspirational. It always seems like when tragedies occur, everyone is brought together and ready to help one another.

I loved the commentary about the dogs and how your friend didn't seem that distraught. However, I did feel the overall writing of the piece could be improved. Things felt a little flat. It was kind of like you were telling a friend about something that happened, rather than writing a story to SHOW a reader what occurred. I also noticed an overuse of the exclamation mark, along with some awkward sentences and punctuation errors.

However, all in all, the story was good. It had a nice plot, some funny remarks, and a great theme.



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this with the community. The story was entertaining and I enjoyed reading it. All it needs is a little more "showing" rather than "telling" and I think it would be exceptional. If you ever make any changes to the story, and would like me to review it again, please let me know. If time allows, I will most definitely stop by again.

Hugs and love!
-Neko

P.S. Congratulations on your marriage! I wish you a long and loving future with your partner. *Smile*


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116
116
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, Maryann ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

First of all, the description of this piece really interested me. I've always enjoyed the topic of space, and of course, stars in general. You definitely delivered on that journey.

The imagery you present brings out a lot for the reader. I could imagine viewing these beautiful stars of all different colors and sizes. Their powerful presence painted across a black sky is a strong image, which catches the readers attention.

My favorite lines:
"The magnitude of stars is majestic, they say,
In the incredibly enchanting Milky Way."

I did feel that the second stanza was out of tune with the rest of the poem. Lines 1, 3, and 4 of this stanza felt much too long, and hampered the flow of the poem. Below, I will give some suggestions for these lines (however, PLEASE don't feel like you have to use them. I know I have some quirky ways of wording things... and may have meant the lines to mean something other than what I've portrayed them as).

Suggestions:

*Bullet*"The stars dance and wink in the glistening night"
Perhaps: The stars dance - wink - in the glistening night.

*Bullet*"Glowing beams against blackness fashion the sky into light.
Perhaps: Beams against blackness fashion sky into light.

*Bullet*"All assembled with great power, fine royalty and might."
Perhaps: Assembled with great power, royalty and might.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this fantastic and starry poem with me. The Milky Way was indeed a beautiful sight to behold. *Smile*
-Neko


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117
117
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As I mentioned in my forum post, I adore this contest. The theme is one I have always enjoyed and I continue to write about. I'm so glad that you've kept up with this contest and I hope to provide you with many entries in the future. *Smile* I can only cross my fingers and hope that I may be chosen as the winner one day, especially since there are always so many wonderful and talented writers entering their poems as well.

Also, I'd like to donate a few GPs to this contest, if I may. I wasn't sure whether to send them to you directly, but since I do not see a specified place to send them to, that is what I will be doing. I hope that this will help you along, at least a little bit. I'm sorry that I could not provide much more.

Many hugs and best wishes!
-Neko
118
118
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello Jillian ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is... a truly horrific and exciting short story. I don't think I've ever read anything quite like it. You've done such a wonderful job with this short story, that it is almost amazing. Is this really your first attempt at writing a short story? Or am I mistaken?

You've obviously got a great deal of talent in the Horror genre and in writing. As I was reading, I could feel every squeak, shriek, and blood curdling scream that went on in this piece.

The beginning needs work, since the dialogue is confusing. Try to keep everything ONE person is saying together. Don't skip a line when the narrator has thoughts about what they themselves have just said.


Ex. Speaking and Thinking
"Michelle wait! Don’t hang up the phone- where are you? Are you okay?"

The silence from my sister on the other end of the phone was almost as scary as the screams coming from outside.

*Right* The correct format, I believe, would be to connect the two. Thus, it would read as:

"Michelle[,] wait! Don’t hang up the phone- where are you? Are you okay?" The silence from my sister on the other end of the phone was almost as scary as the screams coming from outside.


Another example:
"Amelia?”

Michelle's voice cracked, I could hear the restless anxiety in her tone. She didn’t want to be trapped.

*Right* The correct format...

"Amelia?” Michelle's voice cracked, I could hear the restless anxiety in her tone. She didn’t want to be trapped.



Also, you have a numerous amount of grammatical and punctuation errors. I didn't want to pick them all out, especially since I was so enthralled by the story. *Smile* However, if you would like me to point them out later, let me know and I will see if I have the time to do so.

Other than the errors, you have indeed woven a tragic, entertaining, and horrific tale. I felt that the characters you presented were very well developed, though, perhaps, Michelle and the cousin could have had a slight bit more added to their presentation. That, however, is up to the author, and thus, could be as obscure as it is. One thing you may want to add, though, is Ashley telling Amelia what had happened to Michelle, because I never was sure whether or not Michelle had been killed, had also been on the roof, or had gotten away somehow.

The latter part of the story was excellent, and the twist at the end was superb. I never expected the outcome to be as such.

Suggestions:

*Bullet* I fall [to] the ground outside of my car- unable to make my legs cooperate.
This is an obvious typo, I believe you forgot to add a "to" between "fall" and "the". The part in brackets is my suggestion.

*Bullet**green* Don't be afraid to put "she said"! I noticed you shyed away from using dialogue tags. It's fine to use them, and sometimes it can help. *Smile* But I felt the way you presented things was also alright. It's totally up to you.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this with myself and the community. *Blush* You've got so much talent! I hope that you continue to share your work here, on writing.com, and that you enjoy your stay (and get an A!). Just spiff up the grammer/punctuation/beginning dialogue and this paper will be great. Let me know if you need help with anything, and welcome to WDC!

-Neko

P.S. If you fix this up, let me know. I'm willing to re-review if I have the time, and, at the least, re-rate. Thanks!

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119
119
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Blush* Hello Righting the Ship ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Good evening, I hope that you are enjoying WDC! I noticed that you were new here, so I wished to give you a welcome review.

This is a wonderful poem! I really enjoyed the subject matter, that of being in a nation ruled by anarchy. You clearly state the narrators plite and show us how he/she is feeling. I like the imagery, but I do think that there could be more (thus, more detail on this Anarchistic Hell). If possible, REALLY describe this place to me. What sins does this leader have? What is going on here, to make it so bad (besides just stating death)?

Other than that though, and my suggestions below, this is a emotional poem that has a great deal of potential. It just needs a bit of work.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Tears streaming, I crawl to the closet on hand and knee,
to grab the tool that will end my family's misery.
No longer shall we service such savage anarchy.
Let our blood spill on their culpable hands.
By taking my life into my own hands I leave nothing to chance.

These lines really get off flow/rhyme. In the beginning, it seemed like you had a set rhyme. You would do "aa bb cc", but when you get here, you say "knee" then rhyme with "misery", which doesn't flow correctly (to me). It looks rather awkward, especially since you next rhyme "misery" with "anarchy", which now makes the scheme "ddd" (if you include knee and misery as rhyming). After this, you then try to rhyme "hands" with "chance", which does not work at all. After this point, however, you get back on your original scheme. This is the BIGGEST part in your poem that needs fixing. Also, I noticed you used "hands" twice (consecutively, line after line). You may want to take one of them out, as it takes away from the flow.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job. If you change this piece at all, please let me know. If I have the time, I will try to re-read it and re-review it whence I can. *Smile* You've got talent, so keep it up!
-Neko


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120
120
Review of I Am Alone  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Blush* Hello ixZak ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This poem shows a great deal of emotion, which is geat! I could totally tell how you felt, as I'm sure most of your readers will be able to do also. It is also very down to earth, most people will be able to relate to you and the poem; this is a good thing, as your readers can understand the poem and be in touch with it.

However, I do feel that you need to improve upon a few things.

Firstly, try and put the poem into stanzas. As it is now, it looks like the intro to a story, etc. Putting the poem into stanzas will help with flow and readability (gosh, I hope that's a word! Let me know if you don't get what I mean *Smile* ). The lines are much too long and they feel as if they are running together, since it is not in stanzas, and thus, I feel no flow from your poem.

Secondly, the poem feels like it needs more to it, but only slightly. There's something missing, but I'm not totally sure as to what. I apologize that I cannot help any further, but I think the biggest thing would be to chop it into stanzas.

Lastly! Well, I don't really have a lastly. *Blush* This piece shows a GREAT deal of potential, and thus far, I think that it is a lovely poem... it just needs a bit of structure, and possibly a little added to it (since it feels rather short). Once you get the piece into stanzas (if you choose to do so), you may need to shorten a few lines, depending on how they flow and read. That will most likely be the toughest job, but it will also make your poem look a great deal more appealing.

Errors:

There were no errors that I saw.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job! It just needs a little more work, but I think it is wonderful as it is as well. If you change anything, let me know. If I have the time, I will re-read and re-review the poem. You've got talent, so keep it up!

P.S. Welcome to Writing.com! If you need help with anything, feel free to ask me. *Reading*

-Neko


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121
121
Review of My heart...  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Blush* Hello Alice ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

You've got a fantastic start here. But, since this is poetry, I feel it needs a little something more. First of all, the form reads more like prose or a story. You may want to chop it up into stanzas so that it has better flow. Secondly, it needs some more meat... what you have right now is absolutely fantastic, but I still think it needs some more descriptiveness and emotion. Lastly (and this is just more of a comment than a suggestion), I feel that it has a ton of potential. In fact, I really wanted to give it a four, but I just felt that it needed a bit of improvement. I can see how much you want to tell him, and your reasoning of maybe why you shouldn't tell him, however, I need to see a little more emotion.

You've got a very good start here, and your talent is definitely shining through. *Smile* I just want to see some more "meat" to it. If you improve upon this poem, PLEASE let me know. If I have the time, I will re-read and re-review it.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy it here, and if you need any help please feel free to drop me an email. *Smile*
-Neko


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122
122
Review of Some poems  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello Mary Jane ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

I REALLY enjoyed these Haiku's, especially the one about grass. It flowed really well, and you explained some simple facts that all of the readers can relate to, but in a slightly dreamy manner. The second one seemed a teensy bit odd, but it almost felt to me like a "Prince Frog" haiku. What I mean by this, is the fairytale of a kissing a frog and it turning into a prince. *Smile* I'm not sure WHY I felt this way about that Haiku, but I did enjoy it.

The only suggestion I really have, is to possibly add in another stanza to either of them. It's only a preference of mine (I like 2-3 stanza haiku's). However, if you think these sound great as is, don't change them! *Smile* I really enjoyed reading them, so thank you VERY much for sharing.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Many hugs and well wishes,
-Neko


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123
123
Review of I am...  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
*Blush* Hello Mary Jane ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Mary Jane, this is a deep poem. I can see why you are angry about what must be done to be "normal" and your frustration at the hardships in your life. This is a truly wonderful start. However, I feel that you need a little more meat to the poem, just to pull it above the average. Instead of directly saying something, try to describe it (if only a little bit). I think, in order to make this piece truly shine (like it's meant to!), you should try to input your feelings more. Truly SHOW me what you feel. As a reader, I felt a bit disconnected with what you were saying, but I think with a little more work, you could really turn this into something great. In the middle of the poem, I felt that you had good flow; however, a lot of this flow was lost in the beginning and ending of the piece. By flow, I do not mean rhyming, just a general feel and connectivity throughout the piece. Your potential as a poet is great; it just needs a bit more essence. In the middle of the poem, I felt that you had good flow; however, a lot of this flow was lost in the beginning and ending of the piece. By flow, I do not mean rhyming, just a general feel and connectivity throughout the piece. (One thing that disrupts the flow a bit, is the overuse of "I am" in short phrases. Perhaps, if the phrases were longer it wouldn't matter as much; however, as it is, it reads a bit choppy. Also, I, personally, do not mind repetition, but the use of "I am" got a bit dawdling at the end. It's totally up to you though, and if you like it, keep it!)

Please do not take my comments harshly; I just really would like to help you. If there is anything at all that I could do to help, let me know. Also, note that these comments are totally my opinion, and that they must be taken with a grain of salt. *Smile*

Suggestions:

*Bullet*I'm sick of steeling money.
"Steeling" should probably be "stealing".

*Bullet*I'm sick of mom being out the money.
I think "the" should probably be removed and an "of" added in its place.

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you SO much for sharing this poem with the community. I know you've got some wonderful talent, and I hope that you continue to improve. If you fix up this poem, please let me know. I will try to re-rate and re-review it if possible. *Bigsmile*

Many hugs and best wishes! (And thanks for the previous review!)
-Neko


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124
124
Review of A Journey To Love  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Blush* Hello, Joy ! I'm here to give you~

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This is a very inspirational poem, and quite unique. I really loved your style; it flowed well and truly made the poem a fun and interesting read. However, because much of it was worded in such a way, it is a tough read. I had quite a bit of trouble following the poem and understanding what was going on, but I did get the general picture. However, I would not change the "wordiness/word structure", because this is what makes your poem different from others (unless you can somehow make it clearer without changing its unique style). It also challenges the reader to comprehend what is going on. Great job, you've got something great here. Keep it up, Joy. You've got some awesome talent.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*On my way, a wide chasm opened en route,
Appeared an old man in a strange suit.
I found that the flow was off here. I'm not sure if it was just how I was reading it, but I kept stumbling on it as I read through your poem.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Many hugs and well wishes! This was a beautiful and thought provoking poem.
-Neko


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125
125
Review of Avalanche!  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Blush* Hello! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Good evening, SueVN ! I'm here to review your short story, "Avalanche!" . You mentioned that you had a deadline, so I tried my best to get it done. *Smile* The review will be a little quick, but hopefully helpful.

First off, I felt there was something missing from the setting. We got a lot of nice, individual descriptions, but I never saw the overall picture. This is a problem for the reader, as it feels as if something was left out, and they can't see where Kasey is. Descriptions, in general, need to be a little more detailed.

However, besides what was mentioned above... I felt that this was a fantastic story. You did very well with getting the reader to sympathize with Kasey and in getting the reader to feel suspense. I was almost sitting on the edge of my seat, biting my nails, wondering whether Kasey would be alright. I also loved the fact that you added in that little bit of irony at the end, great job!

You told this story in a way that caught the readers attention right from the very beginning and kept it till the very end. The dialogue was also good, and I found your characters to be quite real, as was the situation.

I loved it!

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

I think you will do very well in the contest, even without editing this a bit. However, if you do decide to edit it, it will be almost perfect. Mainly, you just need more detail work. Describe things as best you can, even when you might think they are unimportant. *Smile* Thanks for sharing this wonderful short story with me. It was a thrilling and exciting read!
-Neko


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