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76
76
Review of Preface  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, the River Driver ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Wow! What a wonderful preface to your fantasy series. I'd say that this is a very nicely thought out and strong beginning to get you started. As a reader, I found the content to be extremely interesting, and I can't wait to find out why the shamans had to sacrifice themselves. You've obviously worked quite hard on this piece.

I could easily see each shaman risking their life as they stepped into the circle, joining their voices and powers with the others. It must have taken a great deal of courage to put their life on the line. If they hadn't done this, the price must have been great.

Though I think the general content is well done, I do think you could make some improvements. Firstly, can we get into the shamans minds and feel what they are feeling? I felt like a distant spectator through most of this, as if watching a "silent" scene unfold. We need more elements of sound and touch/feeling. A few more descriptions of these shamans could also be a possible upgrade to the preface. However, you may be saving that for later.

All in all, I did find this to be well done and well thought out. I absolutely cannot wait to see the first chapter of this splendid and exciting story. I'm sure it will be wonderful. (I checked your port, and I didn't see the 1st chapter anywhere). For improvements we just need a little more imagery... and some polishing on the sentences, I think.

Great job and keep it up!



Suggestions:
*Note*My additions will be in blue brackets... and suggestions in green. (Your writing will be in red!)*Note*

*Bullet*The twelve of them stood atop the highest grassy hill in view, gazing inwards in a circle[.] as the dew of the morning grasses rose about them in a strange shimmering dance.
I'd replace "of them" with "shamans", since this is the first sentence and introduction of these people. Also, I felt the sentence was a tad long, so I've split it into two.

*Bullet*[With] Brown robes billowing in the strong breeze, the twelve shamans stood, palms outstretched to the man or woman across from them toward the center of the circle.
You've already told the reader that these shamans are standing in the previous sentence, so re-saying this is redundant. Thus, the sentence may need a rephrase. Ex. "With brown robes billowing in the strong breeze, the twelve stretched out their palms/hands to the man or woman across from them towards the center of the circle."

*Bullet*The tallest of them, a man by the name of Rogar[,] stepped inwards, his bone necklace making a clicking as he paused before the center of the circle.
Great sentence! I can easily hear the sound of that necklace with the addition of "clicking". However, I think it could be polished up a tad. We need a comma after "Rogar" and we can take out "making a" since the word "clicking" already implies the sound... it also reads a bit better!

*Bullet*As if in response to his chanting, the wind increased in strength, the robes of the shamans whipping so quickly they seemed to be trying to flay those around them.
Very nice imagery. But, I feel like the latter part of the sentence isn't structured correctly... Let me see if I can help. Ex. "As if in response to his chanting, the wind increased in strength, causing the robes of the shamans to whip back and forth so quickly, that they seemed to be trying to flay those around them." Or.... Ex.2 "As if in response to his chanting, the wind increased in strength. The robes of the shamans whipped back and forth quickly, seeming as if they were trying to flay those around them." I'm having a hard time with the word "whipping"... it just doesn't seem to do the scene justice, nor to express the event well enough./c}

*Bullet*As if in response.... In response to the gust.... The wind blew harder in response...
These are all excerpts from the 3rd paragraph. I think you are using "in response" a bit too much... try and stay away from repeating phrases if at all possible.

*Bullet*The wind blew harder in response, and on the horizon black clouds flew, gathered into a dark seething mass.
"Flew" just doesn't fit the image, and I think it looks/sounds much better just as: "black clouds gathered into a dark seething mass".

*Bullet*The third stepped into the circle and picked up the chant, and the gust that came nearly blew the shamans off their feet, but they did not fall,[.] and steady as a rock[,] came the next man [came forward and] putting [put] his hands above the other three and[,] picking up the chant.
Somewhat long sentence... and watch those repeated phrases. "stepped into" has been repeated at least two other times. I'd change "The" into "A".... I've also edited the sentence a bit... so that it reads better.

*Bullet*The clouds flew closer and the sun dimmed and [as it] was extinguished by the blackness, and shadow[s] covered the hill.
"Flew" just doesn't sound like the right word. Maybe "inched", "pushed", or something else of the sort would do.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Nicely done. Thank you so much for sharing this! You've obviously got something nice here, and I can't wait to see how it unfolds. *Smile* (Oh! I also wanted to let you know where I found your port: The Angel Buddy Network! I saw you were close to my age, so I wanted to check out your work. It's not too often that I see someone near/around my age, so I wanted to say "Hi"! *Heart*).
-Neko




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77
77
Review of ~Stolen Emotion  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, StaiNed-House Targaryen ! This is the fourth of five reviews which you won from my package in the C.A.T.S. Auction. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Wow! I REALLY enjoyed this short poem. The fact that you thought about this while driving is amazing in itself.

I’m going to try to analyze this piece… because I found it very interesting.

My take on it: It seems that the speaker has been betrayed by someone he/she loves. Memories of this betrayal (or their time together) is “creeping” along her/his heart, “forgotten flames” being their forgotten love, I believe. They were once very happy together, doing all the things lovers do, but his/her lover became tired of him/her. Agony is overtaking the speaker; they are unable to get away from it, and tears soon follow… perhaps the agony is a special event, cheating or something… the breakup, maybe? The tears follow because the speaker is so hurt. I especially like how the tears followed the “rain”. This rain could be literal rain (maybe during/after the event), etc…. but more than it being something, I think it really just SHOWS her/his tears and feelings. If you wanted, you could even take out “tears follow pain” and instead say “rain follows pain”. Anyhow, because of this event, their love is “burnt into ashes” after the chilling rain… just as anger usually follows sadness. I found the most interesting part to be the fact that the speaker still loves the betrayer, because… honestly, I’ve felt this way, when I’ve been betrayed by someone I love. I think it’s impossible for anyone to absolutely hate someone that they’ve truly loved in a moments time… basically, because it’s just so hard to let go.

This is short, but it tells a vivid and sad story of being betrayed and yet still loving that person. I think this is an excellent example of something quite common for most people. Great job, I saw no errors at all and I have nothing I can suggest improvement on.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking read!
-Neko




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78
78
Review of ~~The Cold Tide  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, StaiNed-House Targaryen ! This is the third of five reviews which you won from my package in the C.A.T.S. Auction. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

I thought this poem was unique and unusual! I’ve never seen something in the “Cyhydedd Hir” form, and this certainly makes me want to try my hand at it. You’ve got such a great talent for evoking horrific images, just as you’ve done in this piece. You’ve given the dead an unholy night to dine on. I can literally see them crawling from the ground, rising out of hell with no regard to the livings plea for mercy.

For me, this poem is about the dead escaping from hell onto the surface of our earth, where they dine on all living, deaf to their pleas for mercy. I could easily imagine this happening, and I felt you did a great job of painting the picture with so few words/lines. This must have been hard to accomplish.

I didn’t see anything wrong really, with the poem itself, though, “Free from it’s cell” should be “Free from its cell” I think. Also, I felt the title could be spruced up, but that’s just my personal opinion.

Otherwise, great job. It’s short, but packed full of imagery… a great example of an intriguing form, which I’m sure many would like to try after reading this.



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you so much for sharing this horrific and ghoulish delight!
-Neko




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79
79
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, StaiNed-House Targaryen ! This is the second of five reviews which you won from my package in the C.A.T.S. Auction! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is another exciting piece of dark poetry, with an interesting theme. Since this is an immortal heart, with some “biting” happening, I’d guess that it’s about a vampire. This vampire doesn’t care for these dark desires, and for feeding on others, but in order to keep on living, and to be “filled” he must succumb to his heart. Perhaps, even before being a vampire, he had these desires, but denied them… his new immortality has given him the opportunity and excuse to finally enjoy those perverse wants and needs.

Hmm.. on second thought, I just re-read the title and the first line (as well as last line). The title says “immortal” heart, while the first line says “mortal” heart. So… I feel a little confused now! But, I guess it could still mean that this was once a human “mortal” who has “embraced darkness” and become a vampire with an “immortal” heart. In that way, it would make sense.

I feel like, basically, this poem is about giving into your desires, because otherwise you feel empty. And, since you ARE mortal, you will grow old, you WILL die, so you should give in before your time is up… to have at least “lived” once. Also, perhaps, the person being spoken to in this poem, is making up excuses from his/her “heart” (making up lies) in order to justify this behavior.

Haha, well.. this poem could mean so many things; I can’t really name them all. I think that, in a way, this generalness might hurt the poem a tad… are there more specific words that could be used, possibly? Also, From the first two lines, I thought the speaker was speaking to the “heart” when she/he started referring to “you”; thus, I was a little confused.

Otherwise, the poem was well written. I just felt the language could be slightly more powerful and specific, to give the reader a better understanding of the piece. You’ve got something really great here; I’d just like to see it become even better! *Bigsmile*

My favorite lines:
“Bend on her tattered beautiful corpse.
With crippled hands, pick your heart up.”



Suggestions:

*Bullet*“Your are sated, feeling her blood warm you.”
“Your” should be “You”.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job, and keep it up! (Much love to you, sweet Staine!)
-Neko




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80
80
Review of Arrogant Girl  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, ksphipps ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

I'm just passing through quickly... but I wanted to tell you I really loved this. I'm not myself a cheater, but I understand those feelings, I think, because I have been tempted. You've really displayed your feelings for all to see, and that is quite brave of you. The writing itself was well done (though, there were a FEW splotchy sentences which could be polished), and the read was intriguing. The only thing I wish you had added, is how things turned out afterward. Did you ever break up with your 1st boyfriend (did he find out?), and are you still with the 2nd guy...? I'd love to see how the events unfolded. It would definitely be a wonderful read. Of course, I'd only include it if you are willing to share it. Great job though! Thank you SO much for sharing this.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Excellent piece of writing. I'd suggest any interested in the subject to take a peek. *Smile*
-Neko

P.S. If you need any help with anything around the site, etc, feel free to ask!




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81
81
Review of Dark Visitor  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is to be the third and final review of which you are to receive as part of the package you won. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Wow, what lovely and dark imagery! This is, by far, my favorite amongst the poems I've read in your port (though, the others were wonderful as well). Since I write a lot of dark poetry, I was quite intrigued by the tale.

You did an excellent job of pulling the reader into this woman's desire to reunite with her deceased beloved. Every line and every rhyme furthered her journey and ensnared the reader in her story. I could picture everything quite clearly. Someone could easily write a short story on this... *hint hint* *Bigsmile* (If you do, let me know).

I didn't see any errors, and the flow was great. No problems at all, though, the last lines are a little hesitant.... which is good, considering the circumstances. Excellent use of a pause. Keep up the wonderful writing. You're obviously quite talented in many genres (a jack of all trades? *Smile* ). I'm so glad you won my package. It was a delight to read and review your items. You've got some great stuff.

Thanks for sharing!


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Hugs,
-Neko




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82
82
Review of Revenge  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is to be the second of three reviews you are to receive as part of the package you won. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Holy crow! *Laugh* What a witty poem. I absolutely LOVED it. Sadly, I was in a public area while reading this... and couldn't contain my laughter. A few people stared, I'm sure of it!

Anyhow, let's get to the poem. It's excellent in the humour department, obviously. The rhyming was also well done. We've got problems with flow though, which I mentioned in your last review. The same problem applies here. I'll go ahead and list the lines I think need help. (Though, it's not necessarily syllables... just... somethings not right).

"I quickly grabbed a table, keeping a low profile"
*Right*Seems too short, maybe add a word or two. (Or syllables?)

"She wanted to make small talk, putting on a show,
and ignored that all I wanted was for her to go."
*Right*1st line: I think the comma is jarring flow. Not sure though. But, I think that may be because the 2nd line has no comma in it, in order to keep that same pause. 2nd line: Seems too long.

"What's new?" she asked and suddenly I couldn't help but grin"
*Right*Seems a bit long. Might want to take out "and suddenly".

"She beautiful and blonde with a body that won't quit"
*Right*I think this could use a "just" in front of "won't".

"Flattered, she cooed "You miss me and what we had in the past."
*Right*Maybe a *bit* too long. Not sure.

Again, hilarious. I couldn't help myself. What a wonderful revenge. If I ever see an ex (and I hate them, haha), I hope that I can come up with something as witty. (Though, that would be so out of character for me. *Bigsmile*) I doubt many could read this and keep a straight face.



Suggestions:

*Bullet*She beautiful and blonde with a body that won't quit
"She" should probably be "She's".

*Bullet*But last night as were making love, wildly rolling in the bed
I think this should be, "we were".


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job. You've got a knack for comedy, I'd say. I really enjoyed reading this, and though it had a few flow problems/errors, I thought it was well written. Keep up the fabulous writing. (It's getting a 5 for being so awesomely funny. Just fix up things if possible!)
-Neko




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83
83
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Blush* Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon ! This is to be the first of three reviews you are to receive, which was part of the package you won. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Very different poem, for sure. I love how it's not the typical love poem, nor a lust fest. You've got some very real circumstances here along with some powerful emotions. I honestly felt as if I could feel how this mother felt, as she walked the streets selling herself in order to provide for her children. The fact that she is still proud shows a lot; no doubt about it, she is a good mother who just wants to make sure her children have food on the table. Of course, this poem could be controversial in that manner... but I'm not going to delve into that. *Smile*

As I read this, I felt as if the author cares very much for this subject, for some reason. A lot of care went into this poem. When you've got this much vivid emotion and imagery for the reader, there's no doubt that the author felt strongly about the subject. (Hey, I could be wrong! But that's how I felt while reading it.)

The poem itself is unique, and the flow was good. However, there are plenty of lines where the syllable count could either be lengthened or shortened in order to make the poem flow better. I'll give a list of those lines...

"The slowly passing men look on a pasted smiling face
but cannot see her eyes that track her fall from grace."
*Right*Both lines felt a little long compared to the previous lines of the stanza. Maybe knock out a few syllables?

"but no one watches over them, Mom's on the street instead."
*Right*Could be knocked down maybe one syllable.

"and proudly bears the burden of her children's hearts."
*Right*Could be lengthened... maybe two syllables?

"Early in the morning, she slowly climbs stairs"
*Right*Could be lengthened... maybe one syllable? ("she slowly climbs the stairs" maybe?)

The syllables, however, aren't that big of a problem. If it's too hard to change, don't worry about it (but keep in mind the flow will be a little off for the reader, at times - could have just been how I read it though!).

Again, this is an emotional piece of narrative poetry, which I really enjoyed reading. It's got a lot of depth to it. The form is great, and the subject matter interesting (not to mention it pulls those heart strings!). I'll give you some more suggestions in the section below.



Suggestions:

*Bullet*See tucks in her sleeping children and gives each one a kiss
"See" should be "she", I believe. Also, I have a major problem with this line. If she arrived early in the morning, then goes to her children, why is she tucking them in? I guess, in a way, it could make sense, but when I think of "tucking in" I always think of a parent tucking the child into bed when they are ready to finally sleep. Thus, I thought it a little strange that she would be tucking them in during the early morning and while they are asleep. This is just my opinion though! (I know some people will think of the concept differently).

*Bullet*In countless replicated scenes, hope remains alive...
Is this line part of the poem? If so, I'd remove it probably. It doesn't add to the poem, but in fact, takes away because it drifts from the wonderful narrative (and jars away from the form). If it isn't part of the poem, I'd move it under "Notes" so that it doesn't distract the reader.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Other than a few specifics I mentioned, this was a fabulous poem. I really did enjoy the read, and I thought it was well written. Great imagery and a powerful narrative... awesome combination. *Bigsmile* You are great at bringing out your readers emotions. Wonderful job. Just a few adjustments and it would be perfect. (Even though, in my mind, it had a few problem areas... and I had a qualm with one of the lines, I'm giving it a 4.5 because of how powerful the poem is and because I enjoyed reading it so much.)
-Neko




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84
84
Review of beat the brinjal  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, nemo ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Hmm... quite an interesting poem! (And a very unique style, I think). The way your lines are formatted is cool and brings a unique flavor to the piece.

The first part of the poem seems to focus on growing old, sitting there with nothing to do, nowhere to go. It's basically same-old same-old. The narrator is obviously wondering about how his/her future will be, if they just sit there and do nothing.

The second part of the poem, seems to be about an "awakening". They realize they could be doing something, after having watched something they admire from afar for so long. They wish to reach their goal.

The third part is about actually accomplishing that goal, or more, the fantasizing of accomplishment. I found it really interesting that the speaker doesn't actually ACCOMPLISH his/her goal, but thinks about doing it.

Like I said, quite the intriguing piece, mainly because of the way it is formatted and put together. I really do like it... the main problem, however, is the last stanza. Throughout the entire poem, there is a rhythm, a flow. But as we get to the last stanza, the flow is lost (and the rhythm). You have either a half ryhme, or full rhyme, in the preceding stanza's of a/a/b/b.. etc. I'd suggest that you try to mimic this a bit in the last stanza, just so you don't lose that wonderful flow you had there.

Great job otherwise! *Thumbsup*



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Nicely done! *Heart* This was an intriguing read which I truly enjoyed. Thank you so much for sharing. If you need help with anything, feel free to ask me and I'll try my best.

Hugs,
-Neko



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85
85
Review of ~Sightless Eyes  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, StaiNed-House Targaryen ! Here's the last of my extra reviews. I ran out of time today, but hopefully I can visit your port more in the future. (Send me some reminders). Anyhow~ I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Another amazing poem, stained. Great imagery as always and again, good word choices. You really are one fantastic writer. I hope that you’ve attempted to publish some of these. *Bigsmile* Anyhow, back to the poem at hand… though this was one mesmerizing and excellently written poem, I still had a tough time determining what it was about.

Obviously, it might be quite “innocent” in the aspect that it has no deeper meanings, but I think with this one that may not be the case. I felt it had something to do with people blindly following God. Or something of that sort. Maybe it could be that she was very radical about religion. Anyhow, even though I was raised Catholic, this poem doesn’t bother me, since it’s not really in your face, nor is it blatantly stating this.

It could actually mean any number of things, but that is the only part I could possible decipher (and I thought it was well done, if it meant that or if it didn’t mean that!). You always paint such a vivid picture, and I like how you leave it to the reader to decide what the poem is truly about. If you had stated it in a obvious way, the poem would be ruined.




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job and keep up the fabulous writing. I know that I was only required to review 3 of your poems, but I felt the need and want to review more. You have some excellent pieces in your port, and I am so thankful and honored that you bid on my package and that I got the chance to read them. You are one magnificent bloody pen pusher amongst the rest! (I have no idea what this means, but well… I wanted to say something different and a tad macabre. *Smile* )

Keep up the lovely dark writings, and I’ll try to stop by your port again soon. (Remind me please… I have a habit of forgetting or being lazy… or both!).

It was a pleasure to read your work.
-Neko




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Review of A Demon's Kiss  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Blush* Hello, StaiNed-House Targaryen ! This is to be the second of three reviews you are to receive from the package you won in the Heart to Heart Auction. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Fantastic piece of dark erotic poetry. It delves into the desires and lusts of the gothic, and the speakers deepest secrets; it expresses the moments when people lose control. The demon could be literal or could stand for something a little different, such as the dark desires of the speaker or it could stand for temptation.

The way you describe things is both old and new. You give a new twist to some common descriptions. It gives a new, exciting, and dark feeling to the erotic genre. I had a hard time resisting turning on the air conditioner. Quite a steamer you got here! Though, I like how it’s kind of eloquent, and not overly graphic. I’ve tried both graphic erotica and non-graphic erotica, and I’d say by far that my favorite is non-graphic. It just seems that the non-graphic has more of an effect on people, and it’s a lot less *in your face*. I think it’s great that you pulled off that here.

The only thing I didn’t quite like was the first line of the poem.Aww, his touch upon my lips,” just… doesn’t work for me. *Frown* I’m not saying it won’t for others, but the main part of it that stuck out was “Aww.” I wasn’t sure what you were trying to create with it; is it “aww” the sound or “aww” I dropped something.. or it’s cute… there’s just too big of a variety. When I asked my sister about this line, she suggested that it might have been meant to be “Ah”, as in the sound. If so, you might want to change it to “Ah” so it is more understandable for the reader. (Unless you meant it in a different context!).

Otherwise, I felt the poem was well done. It could have used a little more imagery, but it was good nonetheless. You’ve got a great way of wording things.

Favorite Stanza:
“We thrash and moan moulded together in blistering passion.
His touch, bleeds my soul.
I open myself wide in sinful passion,
yet still feel the cold hardness as
I tear with each thrust.”

Passionate, and can contain a few different meanings with that last line. Either way the last line is taken can add to the poem in a unique way. (If this wasn’t intended, let me know and I’ll explain what I’m getting from the last line of this stanza.)




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job. *Kiss* Keep up the fantastic writing!
-Neko




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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, StaiNed-House Targaryen ! This is to be the first out of three reviews you are to receive as part of the package you won in the Heart to Heart Auction. I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Wow! What an intense poem this is. (Or… what intense lyrics these are!). This definitely portrays the gothic, dark, and music genre’s wonderfully. I could hear every single word in my head, beckoning me to read more.

The emotions and actions are so conflicting, which is an especially beautiful part of this poem/lyrics:

*Bullet*Smiling in despair
Who could have thought a smile could be from despair? Wonderful imagery for the mind.
*Bullet*Laughing in everlasting agony
I never thought one could laugh from agony, but I can totally picture it here… somewhat ironic. Beautiful image nonetheless. It says a lot.
*Bullet*Embrace me, in loving mutilation
Excellent picture. You can get so much from these few words. I’ll have to remind my boyfriend that mutilation is “loving” when I get mad at him next time. *Laugh* (Btw, that’s not meant offensively! I really love the line. *Heart*)
*Bullet*so sweet a rotten kiss
Ahh… rotten kisses are wonderful. Powerful imagery here, not to mention it focuses on the sense of taste and smell.



All of the above are great examples of imagery and conflicting words. They’ve added a powerful element to the poem and given it a great deal of life. One wouldn’t normally think a kiss could be rotten (well, not in that sense *Smile* ) or that you could laugh from agony. It makes the reader delve into this dark dance of death, never to return.

I could really see this as lyrics for a song, so I’m glad you added “music” to the genre. I think it would be fascinating. Have you tried putting it to music? If not… I think a guy would be best for singing this. *Wink* Not sure why, but the speaker felt masculine to me. (If it was meant to be female, my apologies! But I know it’s helpful for the author to know which a reader is perceiving.)

The whole poem seemed to flow quite naturally, even though it’s free verse (unless I missed something). I had no problem reading it, and I saw no mistakes.

Favorite Stanza:
“Forsake your life, love your death!
Dance with me.
Atop littered souls; glass beneath our feet!
Dance with me.
I need you so~”



Suggestions:


*Bullet*Let me be bathed in your blood.
Perhaps instead… “Let me bathe in your blood.”




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Absolutely LOVED this dark dance in death. I was dipped, twirled, and wowed by the wonderful imagery and word usage. You’ve got some wonderful talent and definitely hold the key to my heart. I adore poetry like this. (It’s similar to what I write… though much more elegant/gothic!). Thanks for sharing!
-Neko




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Review of Walk Forward  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hey, Angel Buddy! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is such a great poem on wanting to change the world into a better place, and hoping (and knowing!) that the future will be better because you will have someone who will be there with you. Things are always better when you're not alone, I think. This poem portrays that theme perfectly. The poem itself is strong and courageous; it gives off the feeling of moving forward with determination! Everything flowed well and I didn't see any errors.

Great job, as always!

Favorite lines:
"Tomorrow is unknown.
Yet I'm not really afraid.
"I won't leave you alone."---
that's the promise that you made."




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for another excellent read, Mari! *Kiss* I'm not surprised this won first place in the Beauty from Ashes Contest!
-Neko




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Review of Within a Dream  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hey, Angel Buddy! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Goodness! What great imagery. I could clearly see this fantastical world, filled with flying ponies, blue & green grass, and feelings of friendship! Personally, I felt like I was in that world of fantasy; this is something hard to accomplish for poets, but you've done it perfectly by enticing me into your world. *Smile*

You could liken this poem to that of writing and reading... we create our own dream world, apart from reality, and immerse ourselves in it. But when we reach the end, or stop to take a breath... the magic is taken away, and we're back where we began - back to our own reality.

The last stanza is my favorite, because it is just so powerful:
"But then, the light pink clouds turned gray.
I can see the black willow waving.
That's my cue, I should go away,
since the magic I used is fading..."

Excellent imagery... this poem makes the reader think!




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

You're a wonderful writer, what more can I say? *Kiss*
-Neko




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Review of Rescued  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hey, Angel Buddy! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Awww... this is such a sweet poem. I know EVERYONE has felt like this at some time or another. Having others whisper behind your back is no laughing matter, but when you finally find a true friend... well, nothing can compare to that feeling. I'm so glad that the speaker of this poem finally finds someone who can be their friend and give them the strength to be his or her self. This poem goes from being weak, to finally finding the courage to stand up for oneself. This is excellent writing and quite motivating for the reader.

No wonder Sherri chose this piece to award! My favorite lines were:
"I needed a friend and all I could do was wait
That's how it was, I'm glad you weren't late
Because you came, I learned how to trust again
You offered your friendship to save me back then..."




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Mari, I can't even begin to express how much I love all of your work. You are a truly wonderful poet. NEVER think otherwise!
-Neko




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Review of I'll Stay As Me  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Blush* Hey, Angel Buddy! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Yay! Great poem, Mari! This really describes you as you are and I'm so happy you won't change yourself for anyone. Always be true to yourself and be who you are. Pretending to be something you're not can lead to a lot of loneliness and heartache, I think. It also brings out a lot of lies, which can hurt you in the end.

The poem is quirky, yet fun, and it is a joy to read. I think it describes you perfectly. (Heck, it could almost describe me! I guess we're a lot alike). Very well done. I really like the rhyme scheme in it, and it flows quite well.

My favorite lines:
"So don't be surprised, don't be amazed
Even if I'm not a pretty face
I'm just as simple as you can see
I don't really care if you won't like me"



Suggestions:


*Bullet*Will you like[,] what you see?
If I show you[,] the real me...

I think these two lines need a comma in them, to give them the same pause as the other lines in the stanza, which I really liked. I've added where I think a comma should go in blue. You could also use something besides a comma to give it a pause, if you'd like.

*Bullet*I am so much different to all
I felt this line was a little awkward to read, and messed up the flow a bit.

*Bullet*I maybe an enemy, so you better watch out
I think "maybe" would sound better as "may be".


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*


Wonderful! Keep it up. *Kiss*
-Neko




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Review of Falling Angels  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Hey, Angel Buddy! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Another great poem. The words chosen and story told was excellent, and enticing to any reader. I really got into it! The title is especially good for this piece, because these two people are falling in love. I'm so glad the speaker found someone with whom he/she could be happy with again. The poem is quite peaceful - serene almost, though the speaker seems surprised at first (which is realistic, in a way!).

The only thing I didn't really enjoy about the poem, was the rhyme scheme. Having the scheme be aaa/bbb/ccc/ddd/eee/fff, seemed a little awkward to read. It's kind of "in your face". The beginning of the poem, with this rhyme scheme, was the hardest thing for me to read. However, when we make it to the later part of the poem, I found it easier to read for some reason. It could be argued that you need this scheme to show the speakers confusion and surprise at her/his newfound love, but I think having 3 lines all with the same rhyme is just a tad too much for the reader. It's definitely up to you though. *Smile*

Great job otherwise and I really did enjoy the poem.

My favorite lines:
"And you saved me from myself
Made me feel something I've never felt
As the snow in me began to melt"

For this part, the ddd rhyme scheme did not bother me. Not sure why, but it didn't. It just seemed like everything PREVIOUS to this stanza was just a little too much.




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Well done, Mari! *Kiss* Beautiful poem about a newfound love. *Smile*
-Neko




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Review of Too Late  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hey, Angel Buddy! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is an absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking poem, Mari. There is so much emotion packed into this piece. Every stanza is great, and pulls the reader in, feeling how the girl has felt all of those years, when her love didn't return her feelings. I'm really enjoying the style of the poems so far... I noticed you used the same style for "A Thousand Years of Snow". It's UNIQUE and quite beautiful to read. Is this something you made up, or is it a formal style that you found somewhere? Either way, it's an excellent style to portray your poetry. It flows wonderfully and brings out a ton of emotion. I'd have to say... this is one of the most unique and interesting styles I've found on WDC, mainly because of how well it flows and such.

I have nothing bad to say about this piece. It was heart wrenching and a lovely read.

My favorite lines:
"The last to leave
Her grave that day
A man crying over her soul..."

Like I said... packed full of emotion. Great job.




Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for the great read! You're so talented, Mari!
-Neko




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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Blush* Hey, Angel Buddy! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Lovely poem, Mari! I love the concept of this poem... the speaker being trapped in snow, awaiting their time of death, so that they can finally be with their loved one. The repetition of some words is EXCELLENT and brings SO much to the poem. I loved how you didn't FULLY repeat a line, but instead just repeated several words from it. It gave the poem a somewhat haunting and lonesome feeling. You could probably incorporate a little more of this repetition, if you wanted to. I also felt like the last line could POSSIBLY be shortened, so that it flows slightly better with the rest of the poem.

Otherwise, this poem is simply wonderful and a joy to read. Very well done.



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Keep up the excellent writing, Mari!
-Neko




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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Hey, Del! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. It's time for me to pay you back for all the wonderful reviews. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Del, this is a fantastic story. I REALLY enjoyed it. You have a very unique writing style which I admire greatly. It's a little cut and dry, but straight to the point and somewhat comical at the same time. This story is inspirational, in a way. To see a teacher loving his "work" that much, and enjoying passing his knowledge to others, is very moving. We really need more teachers like that around this world; teachers that actually care about what is they are teaching. The fact that Mr. Smith also wanted his students to enjoy the subject is a great addition. Most teachers do not usually care whether or not a student needs or wants to learn their subject.

You've done a fantastic job at putting this together and I felt your descriptions were splendid. It's more like an essay than anything, but it shows the importance of good teachers who enjoy their work. Excellent!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*He was easy to talk with, was interested and interesting, and asked about the area and it's history.
The "it's" should be "its".

*Bullet*Productive wasn't his word but he'll probably agree with it's use here.
The "it's" should be "its" again!


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Keep up the amazing writing, Del! You have a very unique style. I'm so glad I got the chance to check out your work. Hugs as always!
-Neko



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Review of Homework VS Sims  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Hello, care_a_lot ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Interesting essay you've got here! I actually love the Sims myself... so I'm not sure which I'd choose is more important (were I still playing it). I think it's funny how you seem to flip flop in the essay. Early on you seem to be arguing that sims is more important, then you go to homework being more important... with a little snippet at the end showing that you can't seem to make yourself believe that. *Smile* This gives the essay more character and shows which is actually more important to you.

There are a lot of sentences that can be polished up (some sentences seem to run on, or they are awkwardly phrased). You need to work on punctuation as well. Other than that, however, you did a great job.



Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thanks for sharing and keep up the great writing!
-Neko



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Review of Voices  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello, VictoriaMcCullough ! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

I really loved this poem. It has a certain melody throughout its entirety. I could almost see the speaker and her love spending time together, but then perhaps drifting apart because of that love.

I also liked how you linked your description with the poem by showing us what generated this poem in blue. (I hope I got that correct).

The poem was hopeful and loving, yet at the same time sad and lonely. You've done a fantastic job with it, especially for free verse. It had a nice flow and everything was very well written. Keep up the wonderful writing.

-Neko



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Review of Do you love me?  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, Paperandpen ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

It certainly does fit the category! This is a nice dark poem on love, loneliness, and uncertainty. You've captured the speakers emotions wonderfully and relayed them to the reader quite well. I couldn't help but wonder why the person is being blinded, or engulfed by darkness. There seems to be more to this poem that could be said. You may want to give the poem a little more clarity (but not too much!).

The poem has good flow, and reads well. It just needs to be fleshed out a bit more. (More so at the end than at the beginning).


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Well done, I really enjoyed the read. You seem to have a knack for free verse, or poems that do not rhyme, anyhow. I'm not very good at free verse, so I applaud you at creating this wonderfully dark piece! Nice job, and keep up the great writing. (If you add more to the piece, let me know and I'll take another look to let you know what I think.)
-Neko



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Review of To My Son  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, BRENNAN ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

Brennan... this letter almost had me sobbing at the end. I had to keep the tears back though, because I'm at school at the moment...

This is a truly breath taking letter to your son. He is so blessed to have a father like you, and I know that you are truly blessed to have such a brave boy as your son. This story/letter is inspiring. It is powerful and full of emotion. I can see everything take place, even though these is no real description.

You've got something real here, something special, and important. I hope that you hold on to this forever, and I hope that you have given it to your son, for him to hold onto as well.

Not many parents would have been able to deal with such an occurrence, nor the long term difficulties that you and your child will face. I hope that, when and if I have children, if something like this occurs... that I, as a mother, will be able to step up to the plate and be as strong as you have been.

The only errors I noticed were some capitalization and punctuation problems. But since this had such an effect on me, I will be giving it a 5. Keep up the great writing.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for sharing, and I wish you and your son the best. Hugs and love!
-Neko



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100
100
Review of A Home At Last  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Blush* Welcome to WDC, peggysue ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~

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*Star**Note**Star*

This is quite the interesting story. You've got a nice foundation so far, but I think the overall writing, grammar, and punctuation needs improvement. I noticed you had a lot of trouble with your commas, so in my "Suggestions" section, I tried to help correct some/most of them.

The plot itself sounds wonderful, and it's a fantastic idea. I really like where this is going and I can't wait to learn more about Abby. I did think 10 years sounded rather harsh for a theft crime, but then, I haven't done any research into something like that. Did you research it, or did you pick a number of years at random? If it is the latter, tell us it was an unusually harsh sentence, back it up with more detail and description.

I think if you added more of Abby's background, time in prison, and her overall relief at being let out, it would make for a more well rounded first chapter. You need to get us totally hooked to learning more and more about Abby... we need to be able to sympathize with her. As it is now, I felt a little detached. Try not to start so many sentences with "she", change things up around with sentence structure to where the story flows better.

I loved how Abby got her name. I thought it was kind of ironic and cute. You may want to hit on that more, because some people might not notice that Abby was named "Abby" because she was left at one when she was a child! You could easily make a joke out of this to entertain and interest your readers more.

Try and show us Abby's actions instead of telling us. Instead of saying "She picked up the newspaper", be creative! Try something like this: "With a shaky hand, Abby carefully grasped the newspaper, then flipped through it quickly, desperately looking for the "Wanted" ads." We get to see her feelings and emotions as WELL as actions in this. She needs a job, badly; she's nervous since she finally got let out after 10 years; and she's ready to start anew. Give us more detail and description!

I noticed you have a lot of redundant sentences/phrases/words... watch out for these! I know they're hard to catch, because I have trouble with them as well... just keep trying and you will definitely improve.

Suggestions:

*Bullet* As the prison gates closed, Abby, found herself standing outside on the sidewalk alone.
No need for the comma after "Abby". Also, "found herself" seems a little awkward... perhaps a rephrase is in order. "As the prison gates closed, Abby was left standing outside on the sidewalk alone." Or something of the sort.

*Bullet*She felt suddenly,very confused but elated too.
The sentence is phrased awkwardly. You also do not need that comma. Try this: "She suddenly felt very confused, but elated too." Also, why was she confused? It seems a tad weak. You may want to elaborate on her feelings, instead of just saying "confused" or take it out all together.

*Bullet*The sun was shining and it felt good.
Seems a bit odd to have this right after the previous sentence... if elaborated upon (linking it to the previous and next sentence) this would work well.

*Bullet*On the other hand she had no idea what she was going to do.
May need to add a comma after "hand" and before "she".

*Bullet*After serving ten years in prison ,on a sentence that she had not been guilty of .
I think you forgot to finish this sentence! (Because it seems to be incomplete).

*Bullet*She had no friends, who would come and meet her. No one would ever remember her now. She had not tried to contact any of the people she had known in all the years she was in prison.
In the first sentence, take out the comma. In the second sentence, it is awkward... try a rephrase: "No one had even remembered her." In the third sentence, the way it is phrased leads people to believe that she had met these people in prison... try a rephrase: "She had not tried to contact any of the people she had known before she had went to prison."

*Bullet*She had been left on the steps of a abby when she was a baby, and had been found by one of the nuns, who took her to the orphanage.
Should be "an abby", I think.

*Bullet*After graduating from highschool, she found a job as a maid for a lady.
Try to be more specific. This lady should be important if Abby was convicted because of her and her daughter. Give us some names, if possible.

*Bullet*Of course Abby, was the one who was blamed for the theft.
Move the comma. It should be behind "course" and in front of "Abby".

*Bullet*Since she had no money to hire a lawyer and the lawyer who was appointed, did not try very hard to defend her, she was sent to prison.
Take out the comma after "appointed" and move it after "to hire a lawyer" and in front of "and the lawyer".

*Bullet*She did learn alot of skills by working there and she was a fast learner.
The grammar seems a little odd. Try a rephrase: "She learned a lot of skills when working there, since she was a fast learner."

*Bullet*She had enjoyed working at an upholstery shop there and did quite well with it.
Instead of "an upholstery shop" perhaps put "the upholstery shop" and maybe take out the "there"... since it is implied, unless you'd like to be more specific.

*Bullet*Abby, was a very pretty girl, but she did not think of herself as pretty. In fact she did not think of herself at all. Her long,naturally curly,dark hair framed her face.
Her slim figure showed her curves. She was wearing a suit that was given to her just before she left the prison, along with a little money.

This is an odd way to introduce the appearance/description of a character. Try and give us bits and pieces when relevant, instead of plopping it all in after something which has nothing to do with her looks. You can always save this for a later chapter. No need to rush it! *Smile*

*Bullet*There was a bus stop near her on the corner.
Could use a rephrase. Ex. "There was a nearby bus stop on the corner." or "There was a bus stop on the corner".

*Bullet*She started walking to the stop and waited for a bus.
Kind of redundant. Let's try a rephrase! Ex. "She walked to the corner and began to wait." No need to include waiting for the bus or going to the "bus stop", since the reader already knows where the bus stop is, what it is, and that the bus is what she would be waiting for.

*Bullet*She had no idea where she was going but now she wanted to get as far from that prison as possible.
She's not going anywhere at the moment. She's still waiting. Thus, we need a rephrase for more polished grammar. Ex. "She didn't know where she was going to go yet, but right now she wanted to get as far away as possible from the prison."

*Bullet*She had a little money so maybe she could find a cheap hotel somewhere ;and then decide what she wanted to do.
No need to restate that she has some money, since you already said so previously. Also, the semicolon is not needed. Let's rephrase this: "Maybe she could find a cheap hotel somewhere, and then decide what to do."

*Bullet*There was a newspaper stand on the corner and she bought a newspaper.
Needs a rephrase. Here's an ex. "Noticing a newspaper stand a few feet away, she deposited a few coins in the machine and grabbed one." Okay. I'm not too savvy about newspaper stands, but I think I got it close to how it is. You can edit it whatever. But saying she bought a newspaper seemed a little too straightforward. Also, we already know that Abby is on the corner, so you need to take that out and put something else in.

*Bullet*She would have to look for a job but would anyone hire her because she had been in prison?
The latter part of the sentence is redundant. We know she's been in prison, and most people who have been in prison have a hard time finding a job. So, all you need to say is: "She would have to look for a job, but would anyone even hire her?"

*Bullet*After the bus had gone several blocks she saw some hotels.
Needs a comma after "blocks" and before "she".

*Bullet*"That will probably have to do," she thought.
Lets take out the "she thought" since you just said that right before this sentence.

*Bullet*"Room 26 at the top of those stairs." He said pointing at the stairs and handing her the key.
Instead of saying "pointing at the stairs" lets say "pointing at them", because it's implied that it is the stairs he is pointing at.

*Bullet*She did not have a suitcase with her. Just what she had in her purse.
The second sentence seems to be a fragment. A easy way to fix this is to link it with the previous sentence. Ex. "She did not have a suitcase with her; all she owned was inside of her purse." Or something like this.

*Bullet*She looked at the ads.
Remove this sentence since you already said she was looking at the ads.


Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't. *Bigsmile*

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job! You've definitely got something going here, and I can tell this is going to be one awesome love story. I can't wait to meet Travis Wills and to see how Abby's situation turns out. You just need to polish the piece up and flesh it out a bit. Let me know if you edit, because I will definitely re-rate it if possible. Keep writing and you'll definitely improve. (And editing is also a great way to get better! I've had to edit my stuff thousands of times... it really helps.) Hugs and love!
-Neko



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