Welcome to WDC, peggysue ! I hope you're enjoying your stay here so far. Here comes~
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This is quite the interesting story. You've got a nice foundation so far, but I think the overall writing, grammar, and punctuation needs improvement. I noticed you had a lot of trouble with your commas, so in my "Suggestions" section, I tried to help correct some/most of them.
The plot itself sounds wonderful, and it's a fantastic idea. I really like where this is going and I can't wait to learn more about Abby. I did think 10 years sounded rather harsh for a theft crime, but then, I haven't done any research into something like that. Did you research it, or did you pick a number of years at random? If it is the latter, tell us it was an unusually harsh sentence, back it up with more detail and description.
I think if you added more of Abby's background, time in prison, and her overall relief at being let out, it would make for a more well rounded first chapter. You need to get us totally hooked to learning more and more about Abby... we need to be able to sympathize with her. As it is now, I felt a little detached. Try not to start so many sentences with "she", change things up around with sentence structure to where the story flows better.
I loved how Abby got her name. I thought it was kind of ironic and cute. You may want to hit on that more, because some people might not notice that Abby was named "Abby" because she was left at one when she was a child! You could easily make a joke out of this to entertain and interest your readers more.
Try and show us Abby's actions instead of telling us. Instead of saying "She picked up the newspaper", be creative! Try something like this: "With a shaky hand, Abby carefully grasped the newspaper, then flipped through it quickly, desperately looking for the "Wanted" ads." We get to see her feelings and emotions as WELL as actions in this. She needs a job, badly; she's nervous since she finally got let out after 10 years; and she's ready to start anew. Give us more detail and description!
I noticed you have a lot of redundant sentences/phrases/words... watch out for these! I know they're hard to catch, because I have trouble with them as well... just keep trying and you will definitely improve.
Suggestions:
As the prison gates closed, Abby, found herself standing outside on the sidewalk alone.
No need for the comma after "Abby". Also, "found herself" seems a little awkward... perhaps a rephrase is in order. "As the prison gates closed, Abby was left standing outside on the sidewalk alone." Or something of the sort.
She felt suddenly,very confused but elated too.
The sentence is phrased awkwardly. You also do not need that comma. Try this: "She suddenly felt very confused, but elated too." Also, why was she confused? It seems a tad weak. You may want to elaborate on her feelings, instead of just saying "confused" or take it out all together.
The sun was shining and it felt good.
Seems a bit odd to have this right after the previous sentence... if elaborated upon (linking it to the previous and next sentence) this would work well.
On the other hand she had no idea what she was going to do.
May need to add a comma after "hand" and before "she".
After serving ten years in prison ,on a sentence that she had not been guilty of .
I think you forgot to finish this sentence! (Because it seems to be incomplete).
She had no friends, who would come and meet her. No one would ever remember her now. She had not tried to contact any of the people she had known in all the years she was in prison.
In the first sentence, take out the comma. In the second sentence, it is awkward... try a rephrase: "No one had even remembered her." In the third sentence, the way it is phrased leads people to believe that she had met these people in prison... try a rephrase: "She had not tried to contact any of the people she had known before she had went to prison."
She had been left on the steps of a abby when she was a baby, and had been found by one of the nuns, who took her to the orphanage.
Should be "an abby", I think.
After graduating from highschool, she found a job as a maid for a lady.
Try to be more specific. This lady should be important if Abby was convicted because of her and her daughter. Give us some names, if possible.
Of course Abby, was the one who was blamed for the theft.
Move the comma. It should be behind "course" and in front of "Abby".
Since she had no money to hire a lawyer and the lawyer who was appointed, did not try very hard to defend her, she was sent to prison.
Take out the comma after "appointed" and move it after "to hire a lawyer" and in front of "and the lawyer".
She did learn alot of skills by working there and she was a fast learner.
The grammar seems a little odd. Try a rephrase: "She learned a lot of skills when working there, since she was a fast learner."
She had enjoyed working at an upholstery shop there and did quite well with it.
Instead of "an upholstery shop" perhaps put "the upholstery shop" and maybe take out the "there"... since it is implied, unless you'd like to be more specific.
Abby, was a very pretty girl, but she did not think of herself as pretty. In fact she did not think of herself at all. Her long,naturally curly,dark hair framed her face.
Her slim figure showed her curves. She was wearing a suit that was given to her just before she left the prison, along with a little money.
This is an odd way to introduce the appearance/description of a character. Try and give us bits and pieces when relevant, instead of plopping it all in after something which has nothing to do with her looks. You can always save this for a later chapter. No need to rush it!
There was a bus stop near her on the corner.
Could use a rephrase. Ex. "There was a nearby bus stop on the corner." or "There was a bus stop on the corner".
She started walking to the stop and waited for a bus.
Kind of redundant. Let's try a rephrase! Ex. "She walked to the corner and began to wait." No need to include waiting for the bus or going to the "bus stop", since the reader already knows where the bus stop is, what it is, and that the bus is what she would be waiting for.
She had no idea where she was going but now she wanted to get as far from that prison as possible.
She's not going anywhere at the moment. She's still waiting. Thus, we need a rephrase for more polished grammar. Ex. "She didn't know where she was going to go yet, but right now she wanted to get as far away as possible from the prison."
She had a little money so maybe she could find a cheap hotel somewhere ;and then decide what she wanted to do.
No need to restate that she has some money, since you already said so previously. Also, the semicolon is not needed. Let's rephrase this: "Maybe she could find a cheap hotel somewhere, and then decide what to do."
There was a newspaper stand on the corner and she bought a newspaper.
Needs a rephrase. Here's an ex. "Noticing a newspaper stand a few feet away, she deposited a few coins in the machine and grabbed one." Okay. I'm not too savvy about newspaper stands, but I think I got it close to how it is. You can edit it whatever. But saying she bought a newspaper seemed a little too straightforward. Also, we already know that Abby is on the corner, so you need to take that out and put something else in.
She would have to look for a job but would anyone hire her because she had been in prison?
The latter part of the sentence is redundant. We know she's been in prison, and most people who have been in prison have a hard time finding a job. So, all you need to say is: "She would have to look for a job, but would anyone even hire her?"
After the bus had gone several blocks she saw some hotels.
Needs a comma after "blocks" and before "she".
"That will probably have to do," she thought.
Lets take out the "she thought" since you just said that right before this sentence.
"Room 26 at the top of those stairs." He said pointing at the stairs and handing her the key.
Instead of saying "pointing at the stairs" lets say "pointing at them", because it's implied that it is the stairs he is pointing at.
She did not have a suitcase with her. Just what she had in her purse.
The second sentence seems to be a fragment. A easy way to fix this is to link it with the previous sentence. Ex. "She did not have a suitcase with her; all she owned was inside of her purse." Or something like this.
She looked at the ads.
Remove this sentence since you already said she was looking at the ads.
Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.
Great job! You've definitely got something going here, and I can tell this is going to be one awesome love story. I can't wait to meet Travis Wills and to see how Abby's situation turns out. You just need to polish the piece up and flesh it out a bit. Let me know if you edit, because I will definitely re-rate it if possible. Keep writing and you'll definitely improve. (And editing is also a great way to get better! I've had to edit my stuff thousands of times... it really helps.) Hugs and love!
-Neko
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