A rich, complex poem. Your non-grammar makes the piece more difficult, but amazingly it works! Perhaps a little punctuation could make this a bit more accessible for those of us who are slow?
Your images are amazing. I love the song metaphor. Did you notice that the song was still singing at the end, even though it had become "a whisper easily missed". Cling to that. Keep dancing. It is the essence of hope.
"He swore to me, by that
moon. (I should have known-
that inconstant moon.)"
That is my favorite part of this poem- such a creative use of an image that usually is rather stale! The stark, disjointed style of this free verse poem says it all so effectively. Broken lines for a broken promise. That really is hell.
Nice! I love a rhymed poem that I don't immediately notice is rhymed- a sure sign that the rhyme is natural, not forced! I liked that you repeated the first line in the end- nice emphasis; it sings like pounding feet.
Very fine opinion piece- have you sent this to your local paper for the letters to the editor? You should! It is nice to hear a reasoned voice from this new voter.
You develope your points well, critical without name-calling, respectful in your strong view.
A suggestion on the layout of your piece- I realize it is because the site doesn't support formatting of text the "normal" way. It is hard to read this the way it prints, though- at the very least, divide your paragraphs with a space between them. Better yet, it would be worth the effort to add indents at the beginning of each paragraph (I just recently learned how to use ML tags to do this, after almost a whole year on writing.com! A pain in the butt, but often worth the effort!) Indents are easy- type the following at the beginning of each paragraph when you create your piece for your portfolio: That's it!
Your words are truly musical! Not knowing half the vocabulary didn't matter to me, either, since it read with the same beauty of words as Carroll's Jabberwocky, with the very sound carrying the meaning.
What incredible verbal mastery! Your phrases capture the heart & imagination, creatively building an image crafted of the intertwined strands of self-knowledge & the view of another. You respect the other's perspective while preserving the value of your own unique view. What a gift in any relationship!
This free verse poem is absolutely perfect. It's in my favorites now!
A very fine metaphor! I love the images you wove into this.
The "secret" part of this poem (when you separate from the flock) was the weakest part- I know it was the prompt, but the bird metaphor for teacher & friend stood better alone.
I would split this into two poems- one about your nightly flights, the other about your flock by day.
You have a fine piece here- excellent use of strong words, rhyme, meter & brave vulnerability.
Are you sure you meant "can't bury" in line two? It seems that what you are revealing is exactly what you HAVE buried, at least under the "Imitations of me portrayed to be seen".
I like the short, concise lines & form of this poem- it fits the content, somehow: short-lived highs & lows. You describe the experience well. I especially like the final line- such a good summary!
Yep- you're on the poetry track here- that's exactly what I meant by splitting lines. I'd like to see you cut about half the grammar out of the sentences; pare it down to the "poetic essence" of each sentence. It's a beautiful piece, by the way. I love the way you crafted your memory.
You capture an incredible amount of emotional power with these few simple words. The abruptness of the short fragments in each line helps carry the emotional force of betrayal. The contradiction between knowing the friends are false, yet missing them all the same, is heartbreaking reality. Nice work!
This surprised me- not at all what I was expecting! You handle your point well. There's not a lot in today's world to make us look like we were redeemed.
I'm afraid my theology got in the way of really getting into this, though- first because I was put out by the lower-case i's. Those capitalized-pronouns-for-God are too ingrained in me for it to feel right.
More importantly, because Christ died "once for all" (forgive me for not being able to quote the actual chapter & verse, but it's in there...), the idea of Him needing to do it again galls. We Catholics believe that He was present to the misery, torment & hate of now even though His passion was 2000 years ago (just as His one death is present to us now in the sacrifice of the Mass). I'm SO glad to live in the science fiction age- makes mysteries like this so much more concievable- you know: the time warp continuum sort of stuff I ate up in Star Trek?
Anyway, I ramble. Nice poem. Fix those pronouns :)
You do a great job developing the growing sense of true reality- isn't this what we really mean by "coming home"? Even though this LOOKS like a free verse poem, it reads like prose- the best kind, full of imagery that touches the senses, and meaning that touches the heart.
As a poem, I'd like to see some of the longer lines split. Just my preferential poetic form, though. You are the master of these fine words...
I'm rating the poem (yes, it IS a poem) that you used to describe this folder- I'll get to some of the actual items when I get the chance...
Very well done, creative imagery & use of finely-turned phrase. Good questions, too!
"here, only wide margins hint
words want out of the ink."- those lines would be a great dedication to a collection of poetry (free verse or otherwise!)
I love the line "The thief of my bed"! That robber has visited my home many a time!
You have a way with images- catching those little details that paint a bigger picture. There were many phrases that caught me & held me. I felt the detail got out of control here, though- you said way more than you needed to to pull us into your day/night relationship with your angels. I would prefer that you cut this down- perhaps into three stanzas- your interaction in the night, their flying to their mother, the daytime contrast when you meet them again. Definitely leave out your morning routine without them- irrelevant to the focus of this delightful piece.
I REALLY like your use of haiku for stanza form. Wish you kept it for the final stanza, though- that one is the only weak part of this poem. Drop that last line- it adds nothing to the poem.
I'm not familiar with this form, so I don't know if this would wreck it, but I'd like to see you try to find a better adjective than beautiful- too vague. Use something more vivid
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 9:11pm on May 03, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
