This is a poem with such rich rich images- laden as it is with visceral reminiscing & the whole thing a metaphor. I sent a link to it to my daughter, whom I miss in her "sockfoot" curl "warming hands and heart around a mug of fresh coffee" in those long-ago days when she burrowed here, not in the ache of memory.
What a wild prank!!! I have to say that this prank beats any I've EVER heard of! We just finished our County Fair, which still goes pretty much like this, except no one rides in wagons to the thing anymore. One of the things the kids like about the fair is the general level of freedom- kids kind of run loose for the week, and love it.
As an anecdote, the descriptive lead-in to the big prank ran a bit long, though- the story would benefit by narrowing your focus to just one aspect of the fair experience- in this case the great baby swap.
Also, did I miss it? How did the hog do in the judging????
Aargh! I am frustrated! I don't want to sound negative- you write so beautifully. As prose, this is near perfect. Unfortunately, it just does not read like poetry (at least in my mind- remember that I am just one reviewer, not the God of Poetry!)
My frustration is that your prosey style is so poetic- I KNOW you could turn it to an exceptional poem! It would be so simple to cull phrases from this to make it more poetic- like:
She stuggles daily to endure
the countless insidious doubts
that grab and pull at her quicksand life.
could become:
Enduring daily
Countless insidious doubts
Grabbing, pulling
Quicksand life
Or try some rhymed, metered poetry- I find the challenge forces me to clean up my lines. There's usually no room for empty words!
I love your images here, especially the way you paint this so clearly in my mind with fine metaphor. It reads, however, like a beautiful prose paragraph that was simply formatted into shorter lines and stanzas rather than reading like a poem. Consider distilling phrases from this, eliminating any words unecessary for the meaning to come through, leaving the kernal of the image- let your reader fill in the gaps!
This is way too cute! I can't call it serious poetry because of the limited audience all those WDC references would speak to, but... dang, it IS so full of fine strong words, great metaphor, fantastic rhyme so subtle I missed it the first time through...
Why, I do believe this is serious poetry! They should post this one in the Merit Badge shop!
Amazing images: even your spit is silver! I usually get bugged by arbitrary line divisions, but the way you ended sentences mid-line really works here. This compulsive person does miss the capital letters, but this is good enough to forgive you their ommission!
Like love I’m lost
I need an end...
After all of my compulsion is gone
What darkness may it leave?
How could I resist this gem of a poem? My own Tolkien-compulsion attracted me (even if I can't read the elvish translation), but it is the power in these few lines that held me. This captures the essence of every deep love that remains ultimately unfulfulled. For we live in the real world, while dreams are the soul behind our days- regret and longing and loss are part of the joy of love.
I especially like the hope that underlies the references to sadness and grief. As a Christian, you give words to the ultimate release I hope for...
I hope that these words of Tolkien's are true: "There is a place called 'heaven' where the good here unfinished is completed; and where the stories unwritten, and the hopes unfulfilled, are continued. We may laugh together yet..." from a letter to his son in 1941, The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien, p. 55.
note: The only line that needs revision is For my end be it that it is painful- the repetition of "it" is awkward. Perhaps shorten it to "For my end, be it painful,".
Same thing happened to me, only I was the one the elderly nun at our parish thought was pregnant. Not too flattering, especially considering that I had lost 25 lbs. that winter! She, too, added fuel to the fire when I told her I wasn't pregnant, by commenting on my baggy clothing. Personally, it was kind of fun to see her squirm!
I've passed over your story on numerous times I did a Lord of the Rings search here on site (mainly because I usually don't have time for reading long pieces so look mainly for poetry, but mainly because fanfiction is usually so very dreadful). I'm sorry now I waited so long to sample your story!!!!
Supurb! The characterization in the single chapter I read so far is excellent- fully consistant with Tolkien's; even the direct quotes from dialogue in Peter Jackson's movie flow naturally. I love the added detail to this much-loved tale, and now am very curious to go back & read the whole thing & check out your creative twist to the story.
The only quibble I have is that you leave out a LOT of commas in your dialogue, which makes it confusing (though I have to say that you are utterly consistant with the error!). Easy to fix, though: Anytime you inject a name (or whatever you call those little insertions of a reference to the person being spoken to), there should be a comma separating the name or phrase from the rest of the sentence.
For example: You wrote “Don’t be forgetting Mr Gandalf Sir that it is Mr Frodo’s birthday party too,” Sam said proudly. or “…….. you become too curious for your own good my boy.) it should be Like this:
Don’t be forgetting, Mr Gandalf, Sir, that it is Mr Frodo’s birthday party, too,” Sam said proudly.
…….. you become too curious for your own good, my boy.
Interesting metaphor- a cameleon that molds itself to its surroundings. Never thought of applying that to a person!
You slip into past tense in the third & fourth stanza, while the rest is utterly consistant in present- I suggest keeping the present tense throughout. It's immediacy keeps your reader engaged on a personal, now level.
What a heart-wrenching poem. The description of that devastating moment was rich. I do feel you should leave the last three lines off- they inject commentary into a descritptive piece, interrupting the emotion of the poem. Let your fine poetry speak for itself.
This one struck a chord in me. My own dad left us after 36 years of marriage. 16 years later, the pain of that abandonment of a lifetime of family still cuts deep.
Fine use of metaphor, free verse. Incredible use of rhyme- so natural I didn't notice it until I was going to critique the use of rhyme in the last three lines.
Your metaphors are great!I like the way this developed under the consecutive-days structure- it helped to have more time to feel what you were saying. At times I was lost in the private elements that shine through, meaningless to the rest of us. A second read-through helped.
But they too are too silent.- get rid of one of the too's
This is haunting- your words are really emotionally riviting. Unfortunately, the spelling errors & confusing punctuation drag down an otherwise fine piece of writing. Get some editting help if you need it! This has potential!
Great images, strong phrases. This poem has so much potential, but I couldn't keep going with all the spelling errors (totally lost my focus when I read In the mind of a wondering sole- that sole is one the bottom of your shoes!). Get someone to help you edit }-starting with the title! (spell check will get rid of some, though not the homonyms {e:smile) Then let me know & I'll come back & change my rating as the poetry buried here deserves!
This is a powerful poem. Your images hit hard, painted metaphors that put us square on that city street. There is so much here: their offspring bounce back into the background...The stiff wallets driving by
I felt the poem lost its edge in the last half. The rest of the poem let the images teach willing listeners who pause out of sheer wonder at what you show them- but in the end you preach, which simply closes minds and sends passersby on their way untouched. Let the metaphors speak for themselves. This doesn't need commentary.
I can see kids liking this one (what kid can resist a hot dog.... OR chanting such a ditty??). I felt the repetition was too much, though- it would work, I suppose, with witty & varied illustrations of each stanza, but I would have liked a bit of creative variation to the One comes off
Goes in the bun. lines as the poem went one- something like "another comes off, dog got one" or such
Fine, high style here, like a ballad. The repetition works well. The rhyme is great, the language rich, with just enough poetic craft to keep it musical.
The final stanza, though, seems out of place. Morrigan??? Who is that, in the context of the rest of the poem? The hidden, watching narrator is there all along, but not a companion. Also, there is no explanation why someone would hide & watch, then suddenly be on the ship with the "gods of old". Leave that stanza off.
You certainly see with a poet's eye- you give a deeper meaning to something we all might pass by unheedingt. Your images are very emotionally powerful. Now death proclaims its presence, above and beneath- very profound.
I found the introduction of "you" halfway through seemed out of place. I know this was written because of a particular loss of yours, but the way the first half of the poem reads, it sounds more like a meditation on death, not a memorial for an individual. My preference would be to leave all the you's out. Just my opinion.
What a sweet poem! I especially liked the repetition of the line "just yesterday". It ties the poem together into an organic whole, just like the string of moments that define parenting. You captured it very well!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mamahobbit/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.28 seconds at 4:59pm on May 03, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Too funny! I'm recommending this one to the comedy newsletter!