Delightful! It brings to mind my little brother who got a play drum set for Christmas when he was three. He spent endless hours with sticks poised while "The Little Drummer Boy" played on our phonograph- just waiting for the magic moments when he could play along with pa-rumpum-pum-CRASH!
I liked the lilting repetition & quiet humor of plugs in their ears!
A very fine tribute! I liked the form you used: short three-lined stanzas, with two rhymed lines in each- though this obsessive person was a little put off at first that the rhymed lines weren't consistant in placement. Looking back, I'm glad that you weren't slave to your rhyme. You placed your unrhymed line where it worked best. Great choice!
Also, I liked the repetition of your first stanza at the end. It helped tie your story into the endless loop that such memories are for us.
Excellent use of ML tags on your very first portfolio posting! The poems look great! Congrads, M'Lady!
I do object to you publicizing the use of child labor in our home. Can’t you hear your mother yelling? Surely this is fiction- your own sweet mother would never do such a thing!?!
That said, I love these songs! Singing them while working could definitely make doing those nasty chores less irksome. Anything to keep my slaves going, I say!
This sounds so familiar- even to the detail of the train going by, this sounds like a thousand nights I nursed my own in the darkness! Very, very fine visual imagery!
The poem does feel a bit like two separate poems, though, joined only tenuously by the reality of your motherhood. The first stanza doesn't carry the same level of immediacy as the rest- more like watching yourself from afar, while the rest of the poem puts the child right in our arms. I think I'd like this better if you removed the first stanza- expand it into a poem of its own.
Oh, you managed to capture, a little, the jealous yearning I have always felt for that beloved place that is so real in my mind. I have always wished it was real. I especially liked the repetition of Oh, where is the path? Where is it? Where?.
This is quite an ambitious work! It triggered an emotional response in me despite its flaws- a bit too sing-songy & forced in rhyme, and all those references to pets that just seemed out of place (I understand that they attempt to ground the reader in the reality of here, while we are pulled into that fantasy world, but unlike the description of trees around you in reality, those pets had no counterpart in the fantasy world. They grate!)
I think this poem is your best one. You develop your idea a little more, give a little more detail about what you are feeling- in your other poems I still wanted more when I got to the end.
I'd like to see you work on adding some descriptive imagery to your poems- you express raw emotion, but I have trouble feeling it without an image to hold onto. Of course, that's my own poetic preference- I love metaphor (describing one thing or emotion by presenting it as some other concrete thing or experience that a reader could relate to) and vivid, emotional, visual imagery. Not the final word in poetry, but that's what attracts me!
Your title & brief description caught my eye. While I am a morning person, several of my family members find every morning an "evil awakening"!
I really like the imagery in this poem, particularly the similes. I do believe it would be more effective as a poem, though, if it were not in the form of a list of left-aligned sentences. Play a little with your phrases. Split the longer lines. Maybe even center-align the thing (at least try it & see how it looks!) This is poetry- it doesn't have to be in complete sentences!
Especially get rid of the beginning word of almost every line- they are all unecessary to the meaning, and simply clutter otherwise great images. Look at the repetetiveness of the weak articles & pronouns at each line's start: there, your, your, the, the, the, the, the, then. Only the last line starts with a strong word.
Very nice imagery. At first I wished "she" was left out of this beautiful description of natural beauty in winter ("she" seemed out of place), but your ending shifted the focus enough to make her fit. I do think the poem would stand nicely without that human element, but I can see why you put her in there.
One minor quibble: "with" is repeated within the line With no one to share the world with here. Repetition of such a weak word detracts. Get rid of one of them!
Nice little poem on one of my favorite themes. You say much in these few words.
I'd like to see you tighten this up even further- get rid of "who" for one. A weak word that adds nothing. Also, check out the frequency of all those vague pronouns: it, their, they. The rest of your words a strong & necessary. Don't be afraid to leave some of your thoughts in phrases. This is poetry (and free verse, at that!)- You don't have to write in complete sentences.
Nice little essay on yet one more oft-neglected feature of this fine site. I am continually amazed at the constructive and creative ways that people use all those little features.
I especially liked that you based this essay on actual research you conducted here on site. I often read poll results with interest, but this is the first time that I ran across an evaluation of said poll results. So this is also an example of how to enhance polls! Vey fine!
I suppose you're not the first to write a poem based on a work of art (I still remember enduring that tedious "Ode to A Grecian Urn" in high school!), but this feels so very fresh and new. You make it personal, as if Picasso painted you, just barely failing to capture your essence.
I'd leave to hint of peace I'd found,
to let you know to where I'm bound
I'm so glad you said that- it made a great poem perfect. And very creative idea, to add the element of hope to what may view as an expression of blue depression!
I like how this one builds, from dish to army- the poem dreams the bigger dream as it comes alive! The last stanza is my favorite- the perfect summation of your little metaphor.
Consider getting rid of Here/hear in the hungry are always here! Hear their faith restored by food;. The repetition of the sound doesn't work here.
You combine two of my favorites- the theme of time and rich metaphors- to craft a very fine poem here. Very dark view, fitting expression of dead hope. I take a more optimistic view of the time that stretches ahead. May the horizon bring hope. May time's relentless flow bring you joy once more!
Your explanation of the symobolism and form in this piece is superb! Very profound though went into its construction.
That said, I feel the technical quality of the actual piece doesn't quite match the level of skill of the writing. Perhaps it is because omnipotence is associated with God that I would expect the eyes in the piece to exhibit a perfection of form. Instead, they are uneven and somewhat mis-shaped, which contradicts the perfection of God's omnipotence/omniscience/omnipresence. It detracts from the intent of the piece.
I would like to see this piece done with perfectly round spheres, more realistic irises, and with the edges of the pupils cleaned up. Wouldn't you like to see it done with real artificial eyes?
So look away and catch your breath
For learning of love is learning of death.
What great lines! Profound!
I'm unfamiliar with Italian sonnet- I noticed the meter of this is uneven- are there, then no rules for meter with this form? I suppose I'm too attached to the orderliness of the traditional sonnet form- but the lack of consistant meter stopped the flow of otherwise powerful words.
I found your essay compelling- you build a solid case for alternative lifestyles, and the flaws in our cultural norms.
I personally was about as opposite as I could be from you- I was an over-achiever, public school born & bred, valedictorian of my class, cum laude undergrad, honors grad student- I loved school.
Then I jumped right back into it as a public school teacher. That's when I first met those people in the cracks that you so nicely describe- I was teaching special ed ("emotionally disturbed" & "learning disabled"is what we called them) students in a middle school, 5th-8th graders that on the average read at a first grade level, and had just been shuffled through the system. It was from them that I learned a whole new vision about education. I swore none of mine would end up in those cracks.
Now, after 15 years of home schooling my own children, I just graduated my second home school kid. Five more to go. I'll be 60 when I'm "done".
And yet... you have shown me something new here. Because I was thinking the cracks needed to be avoided. Yet in this essay, you show (clearly, I might add!) that the cracks aren't necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on what you do with them.I think just maybe I should look around a bit more. There may be a crack just laying at my feet, opportunity gleaming, just waiting to be noticed.Waiting for my leap....
Thanks for teaching this old dog a new thing or two.
Such a fine reminder of the importance of now, in the great scheme of things. Could I have your permission to submit it to the littel homeschool mom's e-mail newsletter I am part of here in southeastern Michigan? (with link to your port here, of course!)
I love the opportunity to read/post haiku- such a lovely poetry form, yet often neglected in favor of longer, flashier forms! Thanks for giving me an outlet!
As a contest, you could improve this in several ways:
1) Post a specific ending date. People like to know when the current round will end & another begin!
2) It's hard to locate/read your winners- as you have it, the reader must read through all your postings to find them. Post winners in the body of the contest (i.e. "Week one winners:" or "Round 3 Winners:"-OR- create a separate item in your port to list winners (if you have space) and put the link in the body of the contest.
3) Your contest could use some visual oomph. Post one of your own haikus/senyus with some nifty nature-themed graphic at the top of the page. Use ML tags to add highlights (unfortunately, the only nature-themed emoticons are snowflakes! How about stars or hearts or such?
4) Don't hesitate to ask for donations. Contests are community even and people here at Writing.com are an incredibly generous bunch! By the way, I've attached some points for you to use on your contest.
I love what you do with words here- fine, fine use of meter, wonderful words & images, capturing a moment in time and giving it greater meaning. I especially love the imagery in Those wondrous couds that sneer at men
majestic whites that float above
the struggles of our land-bound race and as feathers slice the upraised rain
There are, however, a number of technical flaws which mar the effect: Yet no no song allures me thus- ??? did you mean "know no song..."????
Do white clouds darken round you beak- surely you mean "your"?
Also, the poem weakens in the end. The word "tweet" is way too cute for such a piece, and the use of "life" and "lives" in the final line grates. Find a different word for one or the other- the repetition doesn't work here. Find a strong line for the ending, not just something that fits the rhyme.
(indent)This creative free verse poem is a masterpiece. The short, sparse lines (grouped loosely in stanzas of two or three lines, interspersed with single lines, all wandering down the page) grip the reader in an emotional iron fist. Veiled rhymed words sneak in here and there- took three readings looking for an explanation as to why the lines were so musical to notice it! At first I didn't like the extremes in the indenting of lines, but the more I read this poem, the more I think it works perfectly just as it is.
The opening stanza (repeated again midway through the poem) was such a subtle metaphor for an action we all have participated in, and felt the guilt of the action, no matter how necessary it was at the time. I never saw it as killing, but you have pierced my soul!
(i)I killed a man today.
He wanted me,
I walked away.(/i)
I read several of your rhymed & metered poems, which felt a bit forced & sing-songy. I'm so glad you chose free verse for this lament. I think this form freed you to engage emotions more fully. You did a good job breaking the lines into phrases that make the reader pause and feel. It gives us a sense of your pain being in the now. I'd like to see you get even more experimental & daring!
time has stood still- is this what they call the passive voice? "Time stands still" would work better.
This is a great poem! The organization around the ticking clock was nice. It would flow better, though, if you split those long lines into phrases. Ticking is such a short sound; make the poem tick visually.
I can't wait 'til you post more. You write the kind of poetry I like best!
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